I recall one of the seminars I did last year on Radical healing – one of the people presented their story – and they did a retelling of their experience with Chemo – and the part that has stuck deeply into my head is something from their experience and something they specifically said.

They said that the doctor and nurses had all covered the bad side effects, and that they decided they weren’t going to have any of them. That the chemo was going to go to the cancer and kill it and leave their body unharmed.

This is a powerful message – it was not new or news to me – but hearing someone else spout it was a little reminder “Hey make sure to tell the cells not to take this nonsense in – let it just go to the cancer cells”

It has had a much better impact and effect for me overall.

With this new protocol – I am winning the lottery – my cells and I decided we didn’t like this list of side effects that are extremely common and we decided we were not going to get them – if we do get them because they are really common across three different drugs I have to take – individually, and especially cumulatively – we will work with these meds for the best possible outcome and help my body stave off these less than pleasant things – and this woman’s mental space in my head – the message she said, is my gentle reminder how truly possible this is – sometimes its a matter of juggling – sometimes its harder or easier to let the side effects slip thru the net, but generally they are alot more managable.

Yesterday my mum and I were talking – mostly about the fact of how immuno compromised I am – and how my entire life, with all the rare and weird things I have personally had and experienced – how they have been tools and stepping stones – bread crumbs if you will along this path to making a stronger more powerful me – they have helped me deal with so many of the things.

Got to spend some quality time with the girls yesterday, and spend more time in D’s new apartment – an man that place rocks. Not only is the view truly incredible, but it has so much – or it seems like it has so so much more space. Space for days, so many possibilities of wonder – she is setting up her style in the place, and personalizing it for her best good, it shows and its truly amazing. I can’t wait to visit again soon to see how she has progressed.

Did acupuncture yesterday and man, have to echo again how helpful it is – with getting my cells in line and doing the right thing – its like recruiting another boss to be in charge of the basic training troops and getting them ready for basic training. It just tweaks so many little things in my body to remember their one job and to help me in this battle.

The new protocol is a challenge – finally found a few things that might make it easier, and trying them out – but then next week we will finish with the worst and perhaps more sleep will be ahead for me!! Its hard to get the backlog sleep right now because needing to keep the meds spaced, and eat “with them” makes it challenging – I mean I don’t know alot of peeps that get up at :5-6 and immediately “eat” 300+ calories. I didn’t used to — lol but its the only way to ensure that dinner can be at a 5-6 window by doing this – and it ensures I don’t through off P’s schedule for eating anymore than necessary – he is my echoing army helping from the outside to keep things in perspective and lift me up when I am having the need.

The one thing that is both nice and unpleasant at the whole time is the realization that all these chemicals have prematurely aged my cells and body about 20 years. So in many senses, the achey things I’m feeling are just generally age related. This is a life pill to swallow that is often more challenging than the chemo ones. I do realize its a mental exercise from the universe to say “hey do the good things now while you can because they aint gonna get any easier later” – Doesn’t make them see more inspiring now, but it does make me realize that they will help me feel better and make 87 more pleasant.

Overall, Life is good.

There are sometimes that I feel old. P had an intern this summer that was both helpful for him with the amazing work she did and with the help he was providing her with life information. In one of their last sessions their “check out” — A colloquialism that we refer to came up and she said in the sweetest tone “whats a pager?” – because she really, in her life and age and experiences, didn’t know – and she felt safe asking P for these life questions. Needless to say he and I both bust out laughing – as he went on to explain it to her, I was just rolling on the floor. This is a smart woman finishing her masters program and she really had never seen or heard of a pager. It wasn’t part of her life.

It made me feel like what it would be like for so many in history if we were to ask about this – like if someone referenced their “joke” about something related to the washboard – it is something beyond us – there has always been a washing machine.

The things that are just a headshake of a realization is that computers have always been a part of the lives of most of the people I’m encountering in my travels. They have less face to face social skills because a good bit of their life was spent with only distance and hidden and that makes a huge difference in perception of “acceptable” – because you don’t have the non verbal to clue you in to what was intended.

Was in the lobby of the place I go weekly for my labs. This was my daily “SNAFU” — because I’d sat for over an hour before “we” (the labs person who is a good friend, me, and the receptionist) – that I had not been “checked in” as intended — but during this time, I was able to meet the kind lady next to me – her husband had brought in 3 dozen donuts for the nurses — something this woman and I didn’t like the idea of doing because not many have self control to say “no” when presented with a beautiful box of tasty donuts in our face. So we were bonding over this shared lament – when I found out she was the wife of the patient – and she had Alzheimer’s – wow that is not a journey I envy or wish to travel. She was so kind, our discourse was so pleasant. It was a brief encounter but so meaningful – because it once again reminded me that no matter how big my struggles look to me, everyone has struggles and they too are dealing with them with as much grace, humility and dignity as they can muster.

There was another woman in the lobby that was a new to cancer patient – I very much enjoy talking to these people — they are easy to tell because they all share that frightened glazed look of “this can’t be happening to me” — and its truly meaningful when that look is brushed away for a few moments in meaningful discourse that isn’t necessarily a solution but is helpful and empowering to them – and by helping strengthen another human its incredible powerful to me.

This is a challenging time for me – I had finally recently gotten to a zen with taking my daily meds – both the ocd factor of timing and the balance between taking and sleeping. It was – well I still believe even with as many of my great strides, I’m likely to be a poster child for “don’t take meds” — but I had come to a detente with myself over the need vs the frustration/worry and we were in accord and happy. Now enter this new protocol which has…. “worse” meds – they do remarkable things, and I feel like they will be exceptionally helpful for me in my healing, however the “things they require” are somewhat restrictive, unpleasant, and generally I’m back to the rollercoaster of OMG YOUR LATE WITH YOUR PILLS — that I’ve had for a couple years now lol. So once I get my physicological house to allow me to have permission to care less about this, things will be better, but for now, we will endure the System of the Down song chop suiz “wake up” pounding thru my head far too early so I don’t sleep longer and miss them.

Overall life is a rollercoaster, but enjoying it with all my barn yard friends on the ride with me makes it quite enjoyable.

Life is good.

I don’t know exactly what to call that part of me that “strives” for consistency and ease of function. Today is day 2 of this protocol, and I’m still adjusting.

I think I can see the positive spin on this however. Taking these meds orally is alot better/easier for controlling things. While I will be working with my doctor for “what it is” — working with is the appropriate term, its a more aggregated approach to routining this medicine on the daily.

While there are some aspects with every job that one dislikes, overall they should be smaller than the others.

I have to say while I don’t recall applying for the job of fighting cancer, I do recall the day I was told I was hired. I do recall all the steps along the path of learning and mastering this job – the steps that I let other people decide how we would handle that I could have prepared myself better for – the steps that had left me so lost, the fight against having this job. I recall becoming resigned, I recall when I thought I had finally been able to move to a different job but then the day I was told “no no we need you still here” …. and realizing how much more I had to learn.

Today is the day I realize that this therapy while in many ways much more problematic, is likely to be more dynamic and definitely allows for more optimistic of a direction and an approach then any of my others. It also allows for a daily redirection to ensure that I am focused on that “you had one job” mentality – its hard to forget your fighting cancer when you are taking medicines specifically towards this purpose every day twice a day.

On a separate and side note. I recall the day — like so many before this day — where I was walking home with my brother “buddies” from school and my brother — barefoot, having removed my shoes and slung them over my shoulders. I recall hopping skipping and jumping right on to that bee stinger. I recall sitting down and walling – so often as children do – to let the world know that I was dying of the pain.

I recall the angel that came along and used his “scarf” — something rarely seen in the heat of the Florida weather – and kneeled down to examine. How he smiled at me, and he said, as he pointed to my shoes: “you know these might prevent this” – as he peacefully and calmly mentioned “this might hurt a tiny bit” — as he freed my foot from the stinger.

I remember how he helped me by cleaning off the spot with his scarf, then helping me return my shoes to my feet, and he smiled as he helped me up. He walked past me to continue on his journey, and I proceeded a couple steps before I turned to see he had vanished. I hobbled home, limping with all of my war injury and having learned so many valuable lessons in that day.

One makes me pause today, as I encounter so many people that move carefree throughout their day without using masks in public. I hear his words in my ear “you know this might help” — I recall the words of the doctor with her nurse that told me of the sadness felt when a patient dying of covid asks “can’t you just give me a vaccine?” How they are forced to explain that the vaccines are only designed to be helpful before you get the virus to reduce and teach your cells to be smarter – Sometimes lessons in life are too late. Opportunities to learn early are there, carpe diem. By thy will shall we learn, by our will shall we embrace.

So many lessons right now for so many people, so many frustrations along the path of learning, and little daily challenges. But there are just as many wonderful things, wonderful people and supports in our lives, angels to come and take out the stinger all around us, we really only have to be able to welcome and receive.

Thank you universe for teaching me these lessons so early and allowing me to be reminded of them again and again.

Life is good.

Have started and deleted this blog a few times – so I’m going to do something uncharacteristic for a personal blog that I share with the world wide web – I’m going to preface this with the direct statement that my thoughts are in no way intended offensively or intended to be at all construed as intending anything more than peace of MY mind.

On this super ridiculously early morning, my mind in all of Alethia Insanity provided me with a “helper” analogue that has both made me laugh and put me into a better place with the Protocol I’m about to start.

When I was in High School I was “recruited” to join the military – my scores were ridiculously high on the pretests and they “wanted me” …. I was vehemently against this – not that I lack a super high level of regard and respect for all of my fellow humans that have chosen a different path. The thought of intentionally signing away my freedoms to fight for the right of someone else — well the parallel of what I have done my whole life was lost on me at the time, I it seemed not just a frightening thing to me, but a path not for me.

Fast forward to dealing with Cancer.

Having not joined the Military but having MANY MANY individuals in my life with whom I have conversed and expanded my experience with the sharing of theirs and the knowledge of their road traveled as members of the armed forces. I feel loosely qualified to make this comparision.

Being diagnosed with Cancer is not so dissimilar to the journey of a private.

Things you took for granted are now gone. Things you “assumed” have now changed. Life will never look remotely the same – ever again. Certain things will become part of your “new life” – Many of them wildly uncomfortable and dissatisfying and annoying – but they are life.

You will be rushed from one step to another along this path at the pace someone else dictates.

The more assertive and responsive you are the more quickly you will be “promoted” but there is alot of self guided knowledge required to do these steps.

Fast forward to today – I’m due for my next “protocol” which is in this parallel universe much like a “promotion” — I have learned the ropes over my time in this “army fighting cancer” — I have learned that so much relies on me but the higher ups keep sending me commands which seem counter intuitive.

I feel like this protocol will do as intended – remarkably strong things – but much like bombing a village with innocent women and children – there is likely to be alot of fall out. There are many beautiful important growing cells that are NOT cancer that will be damaged and killed within this process of “potentially” cutting the insurgence at the knees at the heart of their operation. I’ve had trouble resigning myself to it individually.

However utilizing this analogue has truly helped incredible, because while I am an extreme patient advocate – Greater Good is an important concept to keep in mind – and the fact that there is a Chain of Command – of which I’ve spent a great deal of time developing and cultivating with the best of the best to ensure that the direction I am given is creating more positive outcome than destruction in its wake.

I worry for that little schoolhouse on the hill, my liver, the one that educates all the future leaders in this rebellion that may be damaged directly from this course, but will certainly be overburdened as a refuge for all those struggling during this exchange. While I have done many things to reinforce and strengthen the walls, and the sustainability of this place, it will be just a few more days to see if the impact was “enough” and then it will be a few months to determine if the school house has adapted and learned to weather the storm. Go Liver go, be strong do your job of removing all this toxic dump of things that I’m injecting and taking orally after they have “done the things” they were assigned to do.

I like this parallel, it gives me strength – one of the things I have always admired is the ability of the strongest people I know to endure all of these emotional hardships, these second guessing internally every decision, and still coming out on top and finding ways to not just bring joy to the ones around them – but even remotely to the ones like me.

Overall Life is good, lets hope these new meds achieve the best possible result with as little casualty as possible. Carpe Diem.

Life is good.

Security has always been something to me that I feel is important.

I remember having conversations with my mum about an incident that impacted me from when I was extremely little. I recall another memory of another time from my early child hood – where caregivers were not above the violations. I remember an incident of my childhood where I felt well abandoned, and another from my slightly older childhood where that feeling was echoed. My inner child has serious issues with trust, security and safety.

Last week my acct on that social network that so many use FB was hacked. This just boggles my mind as it was one of my passwords more secure. It just tells me how little safety there is really with everything on the web, when someone wants in they are going to get in.

This has been more than demoralizing, and disheartening to me it has in many ways been dehumanizing to me. Its so so much a little thing, and so much not a little thing. I used this medium to easily connect with so many friends and family – and now its gone.

The trickle down impact of this is that another – yes had one earlier in the year – cc was hacked. Luckily we are hyper security conscious and so we caught it within minutes – the same with the last time, but catching the thief in the act still doesn’t restore your faith in humanity.

The little girl part of me feels – well all those old things come welling to the surface and overall they just make me sad.

There was a time last year, on the fourth or so recurrence of the infection I still have not completely eliminated where I had this voice — heard this voice in my head say “its too much, we can either fight this or cancer, pick one” …. and this is another one of those times – Hi, I’m me — I gave you a copy of my passport FB why can’t you just kick this other body to the curb and give me back my things?

Tomorrow I start another new chemo protocol – one that is really icky from a “what I have to do” perspective – take 6 pills twice a day for two weeks – take 2 pills twice a day for an off week – take an infusion and then start the cycle again – — oh side effects are so so likely and so so great – welcome to the world of perpetual diaharrea and hand/foot syndrome – no more hot showers boys, no more washing dishes— no more ocd with hand washing all the way around…. and then there are the less than 85% likely sideeffects – but hey no point in going into those – I plan to try and win the lottery and have none of these things. The protocol “should” be helpful for the Mets in my brain.

Its just hard to focus on the positive when so many things are looking like poop lately.

On the positive side – I got to see new pictures of my new niece – she is so amazing, she is learning perspectives on the world and she has a smile that lights up a room – she is the spark that makes my heart happy.

Being alive – Life is Good.

Today is my day to let my mind run free with no obligations. There should be more of these. Intuitions have been flashing to me like traffic lights of insight. This time, this age, this day is filled with many world challenges, and my intuitions don’t seem to be providing me with details about less.

I’m not sure which is more of a challenge, the one you stumble into or the one you know is coming. On the one hand one seems more traumatic in the moment – but the other allows you to traumatize yourself over time. Maybe they are both just challenges and there isn’t a lot of rhythm or reason to them – I like and dislike both – I mean “challenges” the word implies they are things beyond what your doing at this time/moment – not insurmountable but requiring “more” of things to accomplish – more energy, more time, more effort, more mental redirection – just more.

I am very blessed to have such a wide and helpful circle of people to share their journey with me, to share their rollercoasters and to listen to mine and to share the overall feeling of hug even if its less physical than it has always been up till this day and age. It is a common thread that this challenge feeling is spread across them all – every one in my life is circling with their own mountains – while this has been the case for all of my life – the mountains are a reminder your learning and living – It just seems like they are alot more ‘daunting’ for so many of them.

Its a case of misery loves company I suppose, but somehow hearing and sharing in someone elses personal struggles, their personal mountains, their personal perspective on “driving forward” is helpful to me with my own – it sort of like sharing the load of theirs and sharing the load of mine – and we both get help and compassion.

It doesn’t feel like this is a negative thing – I mean it can certainly be negative– both in perception and in effect – however most of the peeps in my circle abound with infinite positivity just like me — the universe is a grand place filled with moments and memories to be had and experienced, and shared. Even these challenging ones – which I’m finding after the instantaneous moment they are really somewhat laughable – mostly because my intuition is laughing with me about it – its like “remember when….”

I am learning more and more about this intuition – the fact that as much as the information seems so NOT uplifting – that the nature of the circle is that even when something is removed, it has a ripple of uplifting – and this is a reminder to me that no energy is every lost, it grows into those amazing flowers we see, or becomes the new born bird eggs, or the bunnies that come back again and again to my yard – or the promise of other victories.

Life is all about the experiences, the ones we want, the ones we hope for and the ones we have to learn from.

Life is good.

So Bing – microsoft web browser that is not as good as chrome but is integrated – has taken to showing me “amazing sights” for a while now – and this one just really I love – Milford Sound — Its off New Zealand – which coincidentally is one of the places on my strong list, and one I’ve been dabbling with lately.

A “sound” is something I’ve always found interesting/enjoyable – Puget Sound being my personal exposure to it, go go northwest for enhancing my life experience.

For some reason every time I hear someone say that “the sound” it makes Jule Andrews bust into song in my head with the “the hills are alive, with the sound of music” …. not that there is any type of correlation — atleast not from the Direct physical – but I will say that the area where I have explored and experienced multiple time “puget sound” has had a very distinctive natural “music” if you are can imagine to it…. the culmination of water, wild life, and wind always soothing to my soul.

I’m having one of those “but I wanna” days – its super early yet – maybe the little girl part of me will get distracted – here is hoping – from the “I wannas” …. Wanting to visit the ocean is one of those high on the list; its also high on the wish list for the rest of the Alethia’s swirling around in my head. We spent alot of time at Sea World exploring – we had annual passes, R and I spent the majority of a summer poking around there – there was a show – it was an indoor theatre show – which if you know Florida humdity, heat and perpetually rain at all will make sense why it was one of our favorite “come sit for an hour” places.

There was a line in that performance/show where the girl says “The ocean is…. the Ocean is….. because the character is exploring her thoughts”….. thats me…. IDK what I’d say exactly the ocean “is” but its something …. its like a comforting friend that sooths, protects, and cleanses all thoughts, struggles, strife out of my mind.

There are alot of these things I could use that inner calm for right now, it isn’t that I haven’t be “reframing” or “redirecting” my thoughts – its the fact that you reach a time when sometimes stepping into the shower or tub of life is beneficial.

May the universe provide this opportunity soon, even if it is so far away in this Milford Sound.

Life is good.

an 80s song by Belinda Carlisle — seems so so much like a weird memory moment – I remember when this song was brand new – and the music video came out. Both the lyrics and the video are so so “me” with their pictures of walking on the beach….

Sometimes my head just got to places or desires that are from a song or picture I’ve heard – I haven’t decided if this is “good” or “constructive” for me or not. Understanding where a tendency comes from, and why its happening is helpful – but its not a change, its only the identification – like the stickers for “garage sale” …. The Garage Sale of Life.

Its like breathes or heartbeats – in and out – be-at, be-at…. all a pleasant circle of fast, slow, even.

This month will be my 24th wedding anniversary – I have been together with P for half of my life – well technically that happened in april – but “conformity” says …. actual legal ceremony…. that was in August.

Its interesting to note how impactful this is to me, he is that external part that is like so many of the internal parts – from the perspective that he has been the comfortable underwear – — Yeah we all over them, the “favorite ones” that fit just right that you keep pulling out and picking first when the laundry is done — Pikachu I chose you!!

Something in the words. New games afoot — not sure how I feel about those, but seems its time. There is a part of me that wishes ice cream didn’t taste so amazing. Like who created or thought of this horrible delicious invention? Lets mix up this cream – add a touch of sugar and freeze it baby! — Maybe it started out as something “healthier” that was easier to eat in the hot summer months. Wiki has a whole history of the stuff but man, we have – to quote Virginia Slims – “come a long way baby” … Yesterday was filled with “misses” — this being one of them.

Life is striking me lately alot like misses, and I’m being “walked” alot – it isn’t that I’m such a threatening hitter – its more I feel, that the universe is stacking the bases with me, intent that I will get in for the run.

Have had so many weird series of dreams lately – all over the place about the world goings on, and much more immediate surrounding addresses — its very good to know my thoughts and feelings are quite capable of altering, and that the circle apparently, clearly applies to me.

Life is good.

Its the wee hours, and time, life and generally good things have woken me to start my day.

Have had a fleeting thought going thru my mind of writing a book of for my niece. Something filled with all the laughable memories I have of time growing up with her dad – not so much a bedtime story but something – when communication is hard for her – that will or could be a solace in places where you want to be alone, but not really. Figuring out the medium and format is choosing – well the younger parts of me all have very strong opinions on how I should approach this, and unfortunately at this time they are divergent – a few more weeks and let them still battle it out to see whose writing will reign supreme.

Yesterday was a day filled with “challenges” — you know those little things, that when you are in a good, strong place are really No Big Deal – just the “wow that was annoying” — but they are usually resolved — well quicker than you think, and less stressful than it seems in the moment – but still longer than was pleasant. Its when they all seem to be following in such quick succession and totally unrelated that it gives me pause. Wasn’t just mine – although I’m 100% certain by the nature of the energy that mine caused the ones P experienced to be far more icky.

We wrapped up the day by self compromise and acting like good little adults and being rational and reframing to get us both out of less constructive places and back into the inspiration station. I just look back at them and shake my head.

The best part is that from my own person experience, I know to be the case that the more “effort/frustration/learning” a thing takes … usually the result is amazing. Need this to be the case here, so that energy comes back and manifests as something truly profound and constructive.

There are so so many blessings in my life – its easy to get wrapped up in the drama associated with the small stones along the path. They will disappear or go into my pocket and be applied to the stone path we are trying to build to climb the mountains of life.

Did some pie-in-the-sky things yesterday to clear my head – looked at “luxury trips” — you know those ones that are beyond rich – its kinda like my version of “life times of the rich and famous” — A girl can dream – but I’m not sure even if we were in the perfect place mentally, emotional and most of all physically that I would be inclined to spend 10% of my overall retirement fund to take a trip – even if it looks so amazing and is a once in a lifetime thing — atleast for us – but it makes me wonder at the life that is the norm for those that do afford these trips. Crazy life.

My anniversary is rapidly approaching. This will be 24 years – been talking to P about “what you want” type of things – I mean he knows I’d love to go somewhere – it just doesn’t feel safe.

We ruled out a couple more enjoyable things on our circuit of activity because people are just not being smart. I know masks aren’t comfortable, and I know they aren’t 100% but even the small bandaid on the split open wound catches “some of the blood” — and if your arm is falling off you generally don’t go play in the mosh pit. If someone offers you a “immune booster” — you generally take it even if you are healthy – its like the reason we lock our doors – the door doesn’t need to be locked – its a minor form of protection – I mean it really isn’t a true deterrent if someone really needs or wants to break in – but its a small little sign and a way to redirect our energy towards “Not this place, go pick one that’s easier” ….. Just need to remind myself that this is the course that works for me, and its not my job to guide someone else’s ship.

Life is moving so fast and so slow all at the same time, and its remarkable to me. P and I talked last night about the pace of life right now. Days feel like weeks – not at all in a bad way but in an enjoyable way of experiences.

Life is good.

P and I were talking last night, I told him about one of the “new” techniques I’m trying/cultivating to allow my mind to try the pattern of “letting it go and being okay if we forget it” — To this end, I started brain dumping in a non-descript doc on my desk top anytime I find myself with more action items on my “to-do” list than my mind will let me focus on one to knock it out – basically my mind has become liken to a pinwheel – it likes to take an item and …. well there was a movie where the leads went to a fast food resturant and the catch phrase was “And then….” repeated over and over and over again….. and my mind has taken to the “this is how we do it” routine of just repeating what I need to do like a litany in my head.

While this has “in the past” be somewhat helpful sometimes for me to file things in my brain so that they don’t get lost – right now its stopping me from having enough energy to actually “do” the things instead of think about them.

So list — My gosh I love organizational tools – they just feel so crisp shiny and make me feel like I did something. More importantly, I’ve come to start letting them “keep track of all these merry go-rounds” so my head doesn’t have to….. Wow its alot more peaceful place now.

That being said – I had a weird one – a guy I went to HS with back … EHS 1991 – his first name was “Richard” — we were in …. well due to the nature of the programs we were in, and the size of the school – pretty much about 5 classes together. We weren’t “close friends” we were just school buds, in the sense that we talked, — I got pranked by he and his buddy, playfully, in one of the classes regularly — probably it was the combination of my pleasure, and distain all mingled together that sort of got them to continue – while I often “give alot of lip service” to not wanting to be the “butt” of the joke – there is a part of me that enjoys the comedy even if its at my own expense. Humor makes me happy — people having fun also makes me happy – provide its … safe, and not toxic — its just entertainment in a more personal and intimate place.

This friend – I ran into him a few years after HS – maybe 3 – at a community college we randomly passed between classes in the hall – the incredible rarity of this meeting and the fact that we both had to hurry onto class – made it a brief encounter that somewhat has stuck in my head. It isn’t what either of us said – those are gone from my head – its the fact that we both had a smile for each other, mutual recognition and respect.

My head, has decided in its infinite love of circling concepts that remembering this person’s name and making at minimal a cursory attempt at finding him is of some type of value in my life. While I don’t discount the possibility that there IS some value for me – it isnt’ visible to me readily and while there are alot of avenues for locating him and connecting the return for the effort is puzzling to me. Rarely in my life have I ever looked at the scales of energy cost so vigilantly. It isn’t a bad thing, its just not a skill I have honed as much as it is now.

So universe, so Richard, whomever/whatever the plan with this loop in my head about finding/connecting is…. I release it. I send it back to you, either provide a less expensive method energy expenditure, or provide me with a larger view of why this finding/connection has value to my needs, goals, or present objectives. Thanks.

Overall Lists are good. LIfe is good – freeing my mind — so the list can own the caucus race – is a blessed thing.