Day of Peace – Day of Amnesty – Day of Puff Puff Pass

I’ve mentioned many times in the past, in this blog, and in many many places – music is life. For me, its one of the most soul touching artistic expressions. I don’t write music… really, although I have dabbled, I don’t really sing music… much. But something about music, just sort of makes my spirit light, and happy. There are quite a few artists that just seem to be able to make my hips sway, and my body swoon, as I connect to the pulse that they gave birth to in the compilation. I believe things happen in threes in the universe, its just the nature for me of beginnings, and endings. P started my day by telling me the news that Avicii passed away today. A very inspiring young artist of music, snuffed out. While I recognize that all of life is fleeting; perhaps more than the average person, and that the breath every breath we take is priceless. To say this saddens me is somewhat limiting. Many of the icons of music, the pillars that stand as beacons for the cosmic muses of the ethers, channels for the spirit of music to flow through to the rest of us, they are aging. There are many talented singers, and a few talented song writers, but in the younger musicians there have not been many that were as promising to understanding the ebb and flow of that addiction that is music, the way that Avicii seemed to… seemed to appreciate it. Now, his spirit goes on, and his work will be what it was, during is life. And maybe the muses will birth another to take his place on the up and climbing rise.

This posted, actually started with me intending to give thanks, to my bliss, two of my favorite musical muses released a combined album today. Inspired by the times, and the same heart song that has resonated with each of them for decades. And as would be expected from both of these icons of music, the album is ridiculous, and incredible. They had released teaser songs a few months back, and those were well received, and now the full album comes out – today, 4/20. So so serendipity. The album is just so much a touchstone, a way to reach in and touch that muse that so inspires all of music. Its just great for dance, for love, for chill and generally for just back drop music for life.

Had an interesting conversation with my PT yesterday, about inspirations, and I realized part of why I’m struggling to get on the path where I should be, to walk along the path. Instead of ambling along the edges, poking in and out of the path with the comfort and casualness of youth, instead of trodding confidently along this path, this direction that I know is correct. Is due in significant part, to a lack of inspiration. In talking with her, I realized I’m seeking inspiration. This is a call to the universe to spam me with the kind of inspiration I need, to get the job done. To push down the course with happiness and grace.

Whether or not the weather will wither

Heads in a weird odd place. Finding myself grouchy recently, at a frequency disproportionate to other times in my life. While I am certain that there are several root causes for this, as well as likely fairly reasonable explanations, right now they are obscured. 

This is tending to manifest itself in lash outs, and temper tantrums disproportionate to the source. Which of course, leads me to need to tuck my tail and apologize for inappropriate behavior, which seems to be acerbating the issue. This only evident from the factor that I have caught myself feeling angry at myself when I have to apologize, after realizing that the apology, in addition to being heartfelt and necessary, is just another symptom of whatever this is that I’m experiencing. 

P made a comment the other day that he is feeling the strong desire to throw a trip at me to get me out of this mood, we laughed about this, since I had made the resolution to not travel this year. Which at the time seemed logical and appropriate, but now is seeming more and more like a challenging struggle of mind over will. 

Interesting thought the other day with regards to setting priorities in order. Had cause to be referred to a book about “how to decluttter your life”… which I skimmed, to decide if it would be a fit for me and my life. The book had all sorts of accolades, and alot of feedback, both positive and negative. In skimming, I realized that while the approach had alot of merit, and value, it wasn’t a good method for me personally, although I did reference it to several of the other people in my life whom it might be a better fit. The general summary of the book was that if things in your life don’t bring you joy, you need to show them the door. This particular book wants an all or nothing approach. All or nothing being a quick, burn it or lance it at the source type of transition. While I recognize the value in doing this, being a fire sign its my general mode of action, however when it comes to this point in my life, and the circumstances of my situation, this is not the best course of action. 

To this end, I did start making some small shifts, minor things, and they were immediate visible, palpable, and generally helpful. They did not however, get rid of this simmer that is in my soul right now. Its this general feeling of outrage, without a clear evident source. 

Both this decluttering, and generally seeking the source of this issue, has driven me to assess some of my basic priorities and goals. This sparked an interesting exchange between R & I and also P & I — The question that I posed to set off this conversation, if you knew without any doubt, that you would die two years from now, what would you do or want to be doing? As in, if you had some foreknowledge that your life would be over in two years, what would you be working to ensure you finished or accomplished or did before that time. The reason for the two year time frame, is that its long enough to prevent the type of arbitrary transitory types of things that would be likely to be on this list if the timeline was a month, a week, or a day… but short enough to actually bring about pause. Neither of them had a specific answer to give, which was both somewhat good, and somewhat bad. Good from the perspective, that if there is something clear and obvious on that list, and you are not currently planning for it now, then this is a sign that you are not in alignment with yourself. Bad from the perspective that uncertainty just added to this personal outrage feeling inside me, because I too, did not have a strong feeling or answer for this. 

The only thing that came to mind for me, which was noted and added to the list, was that of all the trips I would like to do or have in the “near times”, the only ones that would make this two year list are the grand canyon and mount rushmore. Making this an easy shift for change, and discussions were had regarding how to make these trips happen sooner. 

Was hoping that starting up this blog again, would help me clear some of this whatever it is, so this is a start, and I’m done with this one for now. 

P.O.P.S. – and other types of tools.

Anyone that knows me, or meets me for that matter, within a very short period of time, will likely learn that I think alot. This coupled with talking alot generally equal an extremely social person. This is not to say that I’m especially an extrovert, more what I’ve come to learn is ambivert, but that’s a subject for a different posting. This posting is about a thing I’ve been doing, going through and generally learning about and from.

Last year I was diagnosed with and subsequently treated for breast cancer. I’ve been struggling to come to peace with the fact that from a western medicine perspective, once you have cancer its like a permanent stigma that stays with you forever. Being unable to process and deal with this diagnosis, and reality, I decided to give my tumor a nickname and a code name as a coping mechanism. For me, life is about making things fun – and I sure as heck wasn’t going to have to deal with this without making it fun. So my Tumor was named: Purple Opportunistic Pirate Squirrel, or “POPS” for short.

It was and has been an intense year. I learned a great deal about myself, the limits I am actually capable of, of life and death, and of misery. Of human condition, and what matters. While its not a condition I would chose to experience again, it has been an enlightening journey, and I feel like I am a better stronger person now coming through the other side. I’m not finished yet, still have a few more treatments to go through, and then the building back the empire of me in the post-pops reality. That being said, I feel its is a good time to give pause and express a few things.

Gratitude. The many resources that creeped through my life over the past year, both emotionally, physically, spiritually, psychologically. There were many many down times, but there were also many unexpected up times. Amazing moments of Joy within the ample periods of growth and struggle.

Awe. This experience has been awe inspiring in many ways. Some of them in a light of disillusionment, disheartening, but also many of them in the sheer compassion of so many individuals. Inspirational in the compassion and drive and dedication to helping that so many people have afforded me throughout this experience.