Violation comes in so many forms

Security has always been something to me that I feel is important.

I remember having conversations with my mum about an incident that impacted me from when I was extremely little. I recall another memory of another time from my early child hood – where caregivers were not above the violations. I remember an incident of my childhood where I felt well abandoned, and another from my slightly older childhood where that feeling was echoed. My inner child has serious issues with trust, security and safety.

Last week my acct on that social network that so many use FB was hacked. This just boggles my mind as it was one of my passwords more secure. It just tells me how little safety there is really with everything on the web, when someone wants in they are going to get in.

This has been more than demoralizing, and disheartening to me it has in many ways been dehumanizing to me. Its so so much a little thing, and so much not a little thing. I used this medium to easily connect with so many friends and family – and now its gone.

The trickle down impact of this is that another – yes had one earlier in the year – cc was hacked. Luckily we are hyper security conscious and so we caught it within minutes – the same with the last time, but catching the thief in the act still doesn’t restore your faith in humanity.

The little girl part of me feels – well all those old things come welling to the surface and overall they just make me sad.

There was a time last year, on the fourth or so recurrence of the infection I still have not completely eliminated where I had this voice — heard this voice in my head say “its too much, we can either fight this or cancer, pick one” …. and this is another one of those times – Hi, I’m me — I gave you a copy of my passport FB why can’t you just kick this other body to the curb and give me back my things?

Tomorrow I start another new chemo protocol – one that is really icky from a “what I have to do” perspective – take 6 pills twice a day for two weeks – take 2 pills twice a day for an off week – take an infusion and then start the cycle again – — oh side effects are so so likely and so so great – welcome to the world of perpetual diaharrea and hand/foot syndrome – no more hot showers boys, no more washing dishes— no more ocd with hand washing all the way around…. and then there are the less than 85% likely sideeffects – but hey no point in going into those – I plan to try and win the lottery and have none of these things. The protocol “should” be helpful for the Mets in my brain.

Its just hard to focus on the positive when so many things are looking like poop lately.

On the positive side – I got to see new pictures of my new niece – she is so amazing, she is learning perspectives on the world and she has a smile that lights up a room – she is the spark that makes my heart happy.

Being alive – Life is Good.

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