All posts by Restless Glaciers

Humbling things

Today was day one of rescan things – that is to say every 3 month multiple scans to let doctors see “whats going on” – specifically this one will say if the “shitty” protocol – yeah irony here – is “working” on brain mets. We will know on Thursday!

So doing this MRI scan is always one … I wish I didn’t have to the most. The techs are good, and I’ve done enough so I know what to expect but there is no part of the experience that is “pleasant” – its icky. More icky than others, but it has been show to have value so we buck it up soldier!

Today, I had scheduled this super early – as it has “food and beverage” requirements – not as harsh as Petscan – but basically they want you to have little to no issues laying horizontal for this test on the flat hard metal slab. So nothing to make you puke lol – or cause conflict with the metal chemicals they will inject for the “contrast” to make prettier pictures.

Then the tube for the MRI – the particular place I schedule which has a “new machine” takes prettier pictures – they are “better” according to my doctors – but they are also slightly more pleasant cause designers fixed the camera but also slightly improved the entire by making the tube “a tiny bit bigger” – so I still have to squash but its not like fitting 10 gallons into a 5 gallons its more like fitting 8 gallons into a 10 gallon. They have also improved the “music” to allow them to provide me with “something” — to help count/cover the ridiculously loud scan – which is metal resonance. – its loud and its proud and man its scary loud, but the music helps.

Music also helps because your flat, uncomfortable squished into this metal tube coverd and secured – and they don’t want you to move for X amount of time – they tell you how much but …. I don’t know about you but gaging “x amount of time” is something I can do but is deviated alot by meds, and discomfort. So the music helps because it gives you a “guess” how long its really been – ie – x number of songs long – and the “scan” is 2 sets one before and one after contrast.

Its 3-4 songs long for each. So you breath, relax and listen to your music while the machine just bumps and grinds with you there. Staying still makes the process faster and it doesn’t have to repeat. Staying calm makes better pictures. Overall unpleasant but not the end of the world.

In order to “give you contrast” it means they have to “access” — IE stick you. In order to have you set up with an IV for the tech – in my case this is not something out of the norm unfortunately – but I have a port which “should” make it seamless – however my port has had so so much access and so so many chemicals it likes to be a problem child. My veins are so so — well chemicals and meds make them not so great anymore – thank gosh I had incredible veins before cancer – but now I bruise super easy – so the tech “wants” to use my stubborn port. This means longer but less for me to do lol – instead of a quickie 2 minute poke and move to next – now it takes 10-15 or them to “get me hooked up”

While I am sitting here, uncomfortable but preped and resolved to this – I’m noticing that all of these people – you can feel the energy – all of them have their own nonsense going on – just like bluntly everyone alive these days especially. They need me here.

While we are waiting for the next phase there is a woman seated – socially distanced and masked – across from me by about 15 feeet who is … older, found out she was born in 39. She is scared — very scared and her fear is palpable. We start talking – because I’m a chatty person – and she tells me she was just diagnosed with Breast Cancer – and I help her, I fill her in quicky with 10 second version of where I am and why I’m here and she calms down. I’m an inspiration. I tell her these things, I tell her she is strong, she is just jumping through hoops. WE talk about how scary this time is, she isn’t afraid anymore. If I — the spring chicken who has been the little growly pup – if I can do this, she has strength.

The tech that is helping me, he has some struggles with family. They are resting energy wise on his sleeve, he is trying to check on them, but focus on his job. He is doing incredible, but its very hard. He comes back to start over with me, and I bring him into the lady and I talking and I fill him in on where I am, and he too relaxes. I tell him I dont’ know what is struggles are but they are real and valid and just as challenging for him. I remind him this time is hard for everyone, and his courage to be here to help so so many is incredible. I tell him he has this, I talk about the balance, and recognizing that when life puts those struggles in front of you.

Remember the energy scales balance. So when you deal with those struggles, and you have the strength and the tools, and the people around you to help you – remember its life setting you up for incredible joy, bliss, and success. So be thankful for the struggle, be thankful for your resourcefulness and most of all look forward to the incredible heading to you to balance those.

Be grateful for the small things that you have help to take care of — like the full bag of expresso beans I spilled all over my living room and kitchen yesterday while trying to grind them. I had an incredible husband to come and help me clean up. — I tell all these things to this incredible guy here and he listens and he laughs with me, and I made his day brighter.

I made the day brighter of all the peeps in reception – I did a happy dance when I arrived 10 minutes early for all of them. I made all the techs in the back happy because I could. I shared my spirit with them today. Because while I have ONE job to cure cancer. The people around me are my second job – elevating energy is needed for all of us, and me swirling around and helping more wonderful peeps – peeps that got up and did things to help people today. Other peeps that got up for their “test” to help resolve things — they need all of us. They needed ME today.

I am glad its over, but I’m also glad I got to experience it.

Life is good. More tests tomorrow.

Decay of Society 101

I had this incredible idea this morning – I went to go to the product and share it – and there wasn’t a “idea box” or anything like it – but I tried their automated chat and wow too early to give them my thoughts. Really short sighted in our whirlwind of incredible tech that we cant’ just submit.

Then I took a second step because I “figured” I’d post it on social media and maybe my idea might eventually get to “right hands”…. but oh yeah Twitter doesn’t recognize me anymore – and all the hoops I’ve jumped through because trolling ME is now a job for alot of bored folks is more important than sharing cool things.

So I’m posting my idea here – probably it won’t go anywhere – I wasn’t looking for anything other than “wow this sounds so cool” and to put it into the brains of people that “could” think it was cool and actually actionable.

What if all those super cool appliances that “beep randomly” at you to tell you they are done – what if you could put in a x number of second Particular sound that was pleasurable to tell you they needed your attention.

We have a “routine” that plays a particular personal anthem for P and I at 9’oclock on Saturday night – because its part of a song that makes us both smile. Its something the …well I could state her name here lol — luckily she doesnt’ “react” from typing just yet – but anytime I say anything remotely like “Alexa” in our house she goes nuts – which is particularly amusing since the artist that did the song for our routine – also did another one I love with her name.

My idea was … Like play part of a song for when the washer is done, or the dishwasher, or the microwave, or the oven — let me pick what sound I want instead of just beep beep beep – randomly screaming at me.

I’d love to have made this suggestion – too bad couldn’t find the place on the whirlpool place to do it lol.

Oh well, here is hoping for another day that someone gets around to wright brothering the “transporter” tech they have envisioned.

Today is a good day!

Sometimes the hardest

Sometimes the hardest feelings are the ones you have to realize while they seem like they might not be great are actually blessings in disguise.

I have had – always my whole life – difficulties putting myself first. I learned at a very young age the adage of the peacemaker. To put other people needs/wants/desires before my own in the interest of generating a more peaceful realm to which I would exist.

This has been a tool with value my whole life. It is however, a tool I’m learning stronger, better options for now. Most times, it is not only “not bad” to put myself first, but it is incredible more valuable.

There can be no peace for ME in my realm if I am not taking care to make sure it exists. If I am not cared for first, there is significantly less value in anything else.

While its easy to speak these words, not holding them against myself is alot harder. What I mean by this is “finding a reason to find fault in my logic”

I’m very very good at poking holes in things, rather than recognizing that sometimes, they are easy to make it easier for me to use them to climb the mountain.

The mountain top will be a much easier place to spread the peaceful realm then in the climb. And its more important to make sure I am taking care of myself to ensure I get to the summit.

The specific is that I am going to take a pause in this chemo on Monday when its time for my re-assessment. I would love to be able to consult with my doctor first, to respect her wide depth of knowledge. I have logged into this protocol and this should pose little problem to anyone but me, and even to that end very little challenge or problem if any. These medicines are not likely to become resistant with a few extra day delay or abscencia. The rescans are going to be with contrast, and coupled with the fact of potential side effects with these meds, is the fact of “no food or drink” before the scans, which are required for the medicine.

So the difficulty I’m having is that I am worried about this doctor being offended that I am making this decision for ME without consulting her, when she is my partner in healing. I know with all of my being this is the correct decision, but the peacemaker is looking for trouble and sees the potential for offense at adding a member to my team with extensive knowledge then not consulting that member before decisions are implemented.

Honestly if I had a direct way to reach out to the dr and say “hey I’m doing this, you okay?” without it having to play telephone tag with staff at the office where she is stationed like 3-4 times, and maybe eventually getting my message to the dr, I’d reach out. But the amount of stress involved with “advising her” before decision is implemented is … well its no where near the balance of deciding the best thing for me — so I am deciding the best thing and planning to let the chips fall – but there is a part of me that is very unhappy with ME about this decision.

Doing what’s best for me should NEVER be this much internal conflict. Ultimately its me that is responsible for me.

Silly me, for struggling to find peace with putting me first.

Life is good, and I should be looking forward to more days with less chemo lol instead of worrying about hurting my dr feelings.

Count your blessings instead of sheep

Today I’m having one of those days, where I can’t help but thank the universe over and over again for all the incredible amazing people it has blessed me with in my life.

Words often get in the way of an explanation. They complicate many things based upon individual filters that are neither right nor wrong, but are person perception.

There are many things that are the best things in the world. Its also amazing when you KNOW exactly what you need, but its better when you know what you need and you actually get precisely that thing.

The psychological and mental things sometimes you just can’t feed with anything but emotional comfort.

This third round of treatment is harder. For so many reasons, some physical and many that are in the more important area.

Its funny the older I get the more I realize that part of longevity is not physical at all but mental, psycological and emotional houses being in order. The Physical seems to be an “extra” but its not the end all. There are amazing things that humans are capable of doing and accomplishing with the other things being in order. We are all healers, and the ability to heal ourselves, loved ones, everyone, and the world are significantly based upon the concept of being able to recognize, and adjust for the other challenges.

This is a time for testing for all of us, a time for understanding how to tap into and utilize those remarkable abilities we have from birth to See beyond physical, to feel and touch beyond the physical – the Physical was never intended to be our most direct route to exploration …. it was intended to be our “back up” — our real route has to do with all the other things that make up our being.

Prayer and positive vibes. Keep them coming and I’ll keep surrounding myself with these things to help myself clear out decades of forgetting that I’m my most important job that taking care of myself is the only way I can be here to help support the other people in my life.

Bright blessings, love and light to all those that are fellow light sources, intent to fill us all with their hope, strength and the power of belief.

Life is Good.

In times like this…

“Great heaven knows, we wish we had not so many clothes!”

This is an Adam Ant song that I have always loved – “Strip” – it is an analogy that is just so appropriate 🙂

Its an extremely sexual song, with extremely sexual undertones – however – that being said, the concept of being “striped down” psychologically is so so appropriate, and if you take the content and context of what is being said and put it into todays day and time challenges we are facing as a society, and you consider them in a very truly non-sexual way – its so so appropriate.

We are in this life, this shared experience together. We all have our own bears to wrestle, we all have our own pooh’s filling our head with fluff.

Today is the start of cycle three, and my little girl is jumping for joy…. how/why you say? Because I striped her down, and fruity pebbles is apparently enough right now for her to nudge nudge me excitedly to get up and start my day. How can this be? Because that pure part of me, that innocent part of me, just loves the simplicity and beauty and the happiness they bring. Bluntly I’m gonna be that little girl today, because her strength is what I need these days.

I talk to so many of the bright souls, I am blessed with in my life. I listen to so many of the challenges, to lament with them of their struggles, their personal bears, their wrestling matches – how they too fall and struggle with getting back up. We are all sharing these experiences. No one is alone.

I recall the simplicity of that science experiment from decades ago that proved to me in physical form – the principle definition of the conservation of energy – that it can neither be created or destroyed. It can completely be altered.

When I too, am struggling in those moments of the dark night, I remember that train I took so so long ago, and the true epiphany of seeing that adage of the light at the end of the tunnel. We are just in the tunnel. We have each other for comfort and safety, but there is light. Sometimes we just need to practice our self tools for reframe to “remind ourselves” that it can always get better. — Or laugh at the concept that Angelica Houston stated as the “naughty witch” in Ever After where she says “No matter how bad things get, they can always get worse”…. I laugh everytime I think of this, because I understand how energy works. It likes balance.

I was telling a friend going through struggles, to remember the scales of justice, and that to think in the reframe of the fact — to enjoy the struggles – to think of them as the balance for all the good amazing things coming. To see these struggles, these challenges as the “prep work, the dirty work” you have to do in the kitchen to get to that AMAZING delicious result. The struggle is real. The struggle isn’t as bad as you think. You can get through the struggle – and sometimes the fruity pebbles are just over in the cabinet, and those young parts of you that truly believed in just the amazing, just the beautiful – that beautiful young part is still there 🙂

Come out and play.

Life is good – we got this!

Direction

Its funny to me that this word has so so many connotations, “Direction” — like what the director told you to do .. for the play, for the musical, for the singing piece…. And then when it comes to navigation within driving, kinda you need to know atleast what direction you wish to move the car in….

Right now, direction is becoming relative to society – and seeing so many old patterns be bounced, changed, or directed somewhere differently.

For me, Direction is about – which way are we leading life?

Had the realization that 2060 will be the year I turn 87. What a crazy whirl win of time that is to be moving towards – watching so much of everything I’ve known become everything that is relative in the moment – watching everyone else not inside my conditions experience this same thing.

Having had a love for coffee for the majority of my adult life, and having had a passion for so many aspects of it in recent decades – it was time for P and I to take a trip down this rabbit hole together – he procured a new expresso machine lately, and he took a masterclass on being a barista. He is just loving making me the best expresso.

I am a spoiled woman, because I am getting to order, and have my own personal barista available to dance over and make me some yummy liquid goodness.

Its amusing to me that I’m having to monitor to ensure I don’t over caffeinate. Which is especially challenging because not only is it amazing tasting but he is so enjoying dabbling I want to encourage this, and by cracky I’ll enjoy that expresso too.

Finishing the second round of this new protocol this week – tomorrow and I am so so looking forward to it. This round has been harder, and here is hoping that they get easier again soon.

We have aligned our northstar and we know which way means which things, now we need to set the sails and have some smooth sailing soon.

Life is good.

When at first

Its amazing to me how much value can be had in recognizing that failure is part of the process. Even when through some divine intervention or someone else providing all their “learning” which included likely many many failures along the process that you are able to bypass this necessary set step. Failure is just an indication of an effort and allows for elimination of possibilities that existed and were considered most relevant that are not at the top.

The goal is not to eliminate failure, just to fail “up” or towards the goal. where the knowledge is easily able to be leveraged about what “worked” and what “didn’t” — to make the next time expontially greater likelihood of nirvana.

So today, I’m up at quarter to 4 because the young version of myself — the pre-ten version I’ll call her … “wants” to be up and moving, not sleeping. So maybe there is a nap in my future lol a few dozen hours from now. For the moment its delicious coffee, and a much needed blog/mind dump.

I am learning, that slowing down and relaxing is as challenging as the go-go-go I have used the majority of my life. This is not to say I have never used this skill in the past, but I have always considered it to be “me taking a holiday” type of thing and some part of me considered that as “bad or lazy” … I have come to recognize I am not bad, and overall I am not a lazy person. I prioritize, I just in my life have not remembered that I am on the top of that list. While I have always consdered it extremely valuable for others to “do this” and considered it to be an enviable thing – I was stupid in the sense that I failed to be able to leverage this for my own life, my own experience.

The universe has put in my life from early childhood many many life teachers, many close many in various circles of my trust and life – but its a lesson I have been resistant to working on or dediating mind space to – partially because its really hard to focus on things for yourself when you see them as “bad or lazy” – so that has been the first second verse.

Being able to recognize priorities for ME as being my top concern, and being able to develop a comfort zone inside my head with this being the case, being necessarily the case, and actually being a fabulous wonderful thing – has both allowed me to enjoy when I do this so so much more, and also allowed me to value it as a priority.

The data analyst in me keeps trying to count up “this is how much of that you did vs how much of that you didn’t do” …. but the tools I have available now, make it much easier to spin doctor this information and also to de-prioritize it as in – I’m sure there is value in the balance, but at this time in my life, my cells need me to focus more on making up for all those decades of failing to put myself first – so the scale is going to be necessity be unbalanced for the forceable future, and that is actually going to be an incredible good thing.

The ability to “see” the scales being unbalanced, means I’ve been able to “see” myself in the future sense of being to a time when this might be something worth addressing. This is so so powerful.

Protocol is hard, balancing so many little things about it are challenging. The physical things it does and doesn’t allow to function like they have my whole life is — odd, complicated and challenging.

My cup runith over with valuable things to put towards making the best me, the strongest me, and the healthiest me.

Life is good.

Tooty Fruity

Today is a happy day. I’m on second cycle start of new protocol – and we are using some old tools to bring about some new tools. As mentioned the first two weeks requires me to “rise and shine” around 5:30 immediately stick something worth 150-200 calories in mouth and then take Chemo meds – because I know this is clearly the highlight of my life.

The ability to see something for a positive is an interesting thing. I’ve decided to turn this into an “opportunity” to visit some of my truly less than “best” breakfast options, as a means of soliciting that little kid to get me excited to get up and do this.

This tactic is working brilliantly from a logics perspective – it also feels like its doing amazing things — we will see in the tests how it may need to be tweaked, and there is time for brainstorming.

This means however, I get to give in to those desires that come for just “they asked for chocolate cake for breakfast...” types of things – and my little girl is no exception. I did however find there is “too much” of some things, lol which I would never have expected. Take those double chocolate muffins from Costco that always look – AMAZING – and taste AMAZING — well they are still okay but right now, the very thought of them is kinda meh to me lol – which is sorta sad from the perspective that they freeze so well and I thought I had a solution. Not so we want variety.

Today was all about variety. Talked to Doc yesterday, and it was amusing to see a doctor “NOT’ disagree with my hedonistic plan to just eat something delicious for breakfast. Today we went dino and visited some long lost old friends – channeled my inner Fred and Wilma and had some “Fruity Pebbles” — which I can honestly say has been likely alot more than 30 years.

So a few things happened – one they are just as I remember sort of like crunchy little squirts of flavor in every bite, turning the milk all sorts of cute little fun colors. The second was I was taken back to a memory that was both pleasant, amusing and safe – things I need as much as I can get of right now in these times – Thank you U M and A R for having these for your babies. Thank you for having me babysit – because the memory was enjoying a bowl with them of this in that old kitchen you had where all the babies were born. So many lifetimes ago, so many positive vibes. Thank you.

While I know it isn’t good to reminise too much – ruminations having the tendency to take and drag you under like a shark wrestling for its pray – it is good to hug them, acknowledge them, see them for the good and the bad – embrace what you need and move on.

Now I find it very interesting that the box for this stuff was 11 oz, and a serving is one cup 8oz — and they say there are 9 servings in this little bag. I am certain the person that did the math and all the experts that validated this must not have seen the immediate … gap? While I know dry does not exactly equal wet, they are just not that far divergent – but we shall see – I’ll atleast be able to enjoy what I got for enough more servings.

Somehow this plan is having other side effects – my little girl inside is spunky and she has loads of energy so today is Chai day, and baked acorn squash — thank you Aunt Maureen for showing me how easy it is when you put some of your umphf into your kitchen and out comes amazing things (although I still am not brain enough for crabcakes/salmon cakes -but it could be just not overly enjoying those flavors). I have the formula I’m using for this squash down pat and man it comes out so amazing! (Butter, Coriander, Cinnamon, Thyme (1tbs for each spice in each half) 375 – bake 1-1.5 hours until super soft. Put into a container and pull out the pool of extra spice/butter if you aren’t a heavy spice person (I am) — and cool. The stuff tastes amazing cooking with those flavors, the house smells amazing and then when you separate and store the containers you get 2-4 depending on how much you want to eat at once, servicing’s of delicious healthy acorn squash that tastes a touch like pumpkin pie but alot more savory than sweet.

Overall Life is good!

Second verse same as the first

So I mentioned about new protocol – finished first cycle – its …. well all the chemo protocols are different sorts of icky and some more effective then others. This one is worse for many of the icky for different reasons then they would tell you lol but it also seems to be feeling like its more effective.

The second cycle starts tomorrow. Every time a cycle starts I just feel overwhelming dread. Its like those times when you were waiting for the relay race team picking to start – when you “knew” that was today. Maybe its just me but I was always picked in the middle – not the first, not the last but the middle and somehow that made it worse from a stress level.

There are many so so many things I have learned about myself this year – through world conditions, different physical conditions, and the general feeling with how I am handling different challenges. We learn so much about the tools we use, abuse and overuse when we are forced into a position when we recognize that maybe they aren’t and haven’t been the best.

Its interesting to me to reflect back to the time from whence the came, or when my brain – in its youthful sense even now – why it chose this as “the best way” …

I watch the videos and I got to do a live stream this weekend with my baby niece E – she is growing so fast, and watching her make the leaps, learn the best and understand when its conditions for X or Y or Z even in just an hour long stream — its so so enlightening about how much of our lives is based upon reactions to things we encountered.

Sort of like the old story of “the quickest way to teach someone that a burner is hot is to let them feel that its hot for themselves” — while the quickest isn’t always the best, and it isn’t the most thorough either, so it often has to be repeated in its lack of depth but it is quick.

Its very inspiring to me to watch all my friends and loved ones come to these same type of aha moments from themselves, to watch them grow and learn and evolve. We are all in it to win it – but winning looks so so different for each of us.

Resolve, Resilience, Endurance – these are the things we are all working on helping and building.

Live is good.

Seven degrees of Seperation

There used to be an old meme – before memes really, about the seven degrees of separation from “Kevin bacon” – basically the premise was that if you count those “and then that person” — or the touch of the touch of the touch – we are all connected.

This goes through my mind alot when I have to go places that people are doing “dumb” things.

We had to go to Costco the other day. Physically go. We get a rewards check from them that has to be cashed in person – and since its under my name I need to be there.

I am on this new treatment protocol – which is …. well lets just say, I feel like a paper doll these days – my immune system feels like its blowing in the wind.

So we go, super early to costco right after they opened – which is earlier on the day we went, and we go to the service area. The couple in front of us has no masks. They are a post 50 couple, not in ideal body form, and they are just talking along like all of the world is not the way it is.

I am sitting back, 15 feet from the door – since the Delta Varient spacing is 10 feet, and even though I have had my vaccine – I can’t booster yet because of the new protocol at this time, so I’m sitting here — feeling alot like the people are playing russian roulette with my life. They have a gun pointed at me, and they are just flipping that chamber.

Because it is honestly safer for me to assume everyone has it than maybe they don’t. Seven degrees – the likily hood that they have in their ignorant childlike happy go lucky state, been exposed to another ignorant child like happy go lucky state, and on and on – until one of the seven layers got “unlucky” with exposure – well then the whole pyramid comes crashing down, and we get the reason why its the third leading cause of death in the USA. — Move over Cancer, there is a new bad guy coming, and the best part – he is totally avoidable if we didn’t have so many people that just ….

Well there is a part of the brain that should be “applied” to a situation, and a part that you can put on auto pilot – its like that part that comes alive when the crazy person car is coming right for you on the freeway – you either move out of the way – even though they are “unreal” by driving the wrong direction, and they can’t possible exist – you still have two real choices – Ignore them, or act.

Its the same with life – ignore or act.

Just being aware that I am connected — atleast statistically and from the seven degree game from the past (I never could figure out someone that didn’t lead me back to Kevin Bacon) — to nearly everyone suffering, everyone contagious, and everyone dying from this situation – I just gotta be like fort knox used to be – and protect my own ASSETs. Clearly that is my one job.

Life is good.