..And the sky is grey…

More lyrics from this song today…


Its a good day. I feel happy. Pain is significantly diminished. Part of growing older, is that things make you acutely aware that they too have been growing older. Like the pots and pains as they age get “distinctive” badges of age, so too does my body.

Some days it’s hard to remember that these are — blissfully, happily, bouncing happy to be honest – NOT the big C…. they are just “life” and the pleasures of being alive.

Note to self, hurt and feeling bad can have a million sources, and isn’t it ironic that part of my mind wants to always say “well its just C” – when the beauty, the truly most exciting part is to realize, no its just weather, or pollen, or growing up…. Yeah team! I have made it to being a crotchety old woman!

A month or so back, there was this really cool soap – liquid soap – at my acupuncturist – it was a Dr Bronner’s lavender, and my skin just LOVED this stuff, it smelled incredible, and felt like someone was washing my hands with silk. So I searched it out, and in the process found they have ALOT of flavors of this stuff, not just lavender – so I got a small variety pack to “try them out” and decide if it was really lavender I wanted – I mean they have “rose” — I’ve been working thru these tiny bottles of flavors for some time and man, they are incredible. Everyone is slightly different, and still just yummy feeling and smelling. I don’t know if it makes it easier or more difficult to decide which I want to get in the larger bottle, probably I’ll just end up with the lavender anyway, but its been an interesting experiment and experience to go thru the options – like Rose, Eucalyptus, Unscented, Peppermint, Tea Tree — so many options so many potentials, and probably just going to stay with the first one that peaked my interest….

We watched “DR NO” last night – the first James Bond movie. P and I both agreed we probably hadn’t seen it before – or if we had, both of us were so young so as to not really remember it. Sean Connery so so young – Life was just very very different then. He went to get on a plane – and walked into the airport, and straight up to the gate, and onto the plane… things that will just not happen again. Life changes in the blink of an eye. I remember life before TSA – but I also recognize that it will never exist again.

Makes me aware of the fact that the changes, that we are moving thru now, will eliminate some things or transition them into new things — forever.

Was talking to a friend last night, about how this is a hard time, living, breathing, working thru these transitions is just very very uncomfortable. Most people don’t have tools for change. Its uncomfortable, and they feel the need to share their discontent with everyone as a means of minorly minimizing it – sort of like pouring a pitcher of water into a cookie sheet with sides – sure it doesn’t reduce the water, but the bulk of the pressure is distributed differently – its just right now, there are more people with full pitchers than in many times in history. This is one of those times when everyone is impacted.

I wonder what life was like before the first influenza outbreak – or before the plague. I’d imagine it was a similar thing to now – that some things just changed dramatically and became a way of life forever. We are in one of those times, but never before in my life have I seen so so many people coming together, and being willing to help each other.

That is not to say that “everyone” is doing this… but there are MANY more folks doing this, recognizing that for their own survival that they need the people around them …. than ever before.

There was an article recently about bacteria being able to survive in the vacuum of space for years – if they work together in a community to survive. This is the same thing I’m seeing and feeling from our current situations, I’m seeing more and more of people reaching out and helping each other, recognizing that this is how we all get thru, we give what we have, we take what we need, we talk, we share, we explore, and we learn.

Its really awe inspiring. It makes me think of all the make love not war demonstrations I have seen thru books, heard about thru individuals histories, and learned about thru cultural lore, during the 60s in protest to the vietnam war … but its on a more global scale, and it is impacting everyone. Its like the song, the times they are a changin: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QqvUz0HrNKY

Everyday I am thankful to be here, to enjoy this pain and discomfort with all of the people I love. Thank you Universe for granting me the strength to survive to experience this dynamic period of BS and discomfort, and to be able to watch the growth, and the power of the human spirit. Awe inspiring, awe inspiring.

Eat less …. pray more…

This is going to be another one of those carousel blogs, where I go around, and come back around. — that word Carousel always makes me think of disney with the Carousel of Progress — loved that ride, and so many of the things they had on the last scene in the 90s are now actuality. – Go figure, if you can dream it you can do it.

So Prayer and I are intimate buddies. We always have been, the entirety of my life. I’ve come to learn in the past few years, that the garden of my life may perhaps have been more fragrant for me, if we had been closer the entirety rather than just close pals – and more like we are today, frequent intimates.

In my prayers, or meditations today, I asked Spirit, about a topic that has been coming up for me pretty frequently lately that I’m struggling with….

P and I were talking last night, when I was on a call with D&Mom- we somehow – as we frequently do – gotten around to food and or weight. P’s latest running joke is — Have you mastered the “Covid15” yet – like the freshman 15 from college —there is an interesting spiderweb here perhaps for another blog about the parallels between COV15/Freshman15 – illuminating alot of parallels between this year, and the freshman year of college… both a bit more than a little unpleasant, but a step on the journey to knowledge/enlightenment. — Covid is apparently making “many” of us gain weight, due to the extra time with our friend, the kitchen. The discussion was rather light as they typically are – the best part about my family is that we laugh and love alot and frequently. Even over our own personal struggles. The “15” is closer to 30 for me from the beginning of the year…. Now I’ll be the first to admit this year has been one full FULL FULL of curve balls – Please pitcher, just shoot me a straight one so I can knock it out of the ball park…. please don’t try and walk me again, I’m not “really” a ringer…. I digress – this is something I’ve been struggling with….

Hugs, Prayer, Eating — these are somewhat a mantra for my life – and this is another something for its blog – but when one of these is lower… the others seem to raise up to pick up the fall – my equilateral triangle of “health” becomes more obtuse. This has lately been occuring.

Funny note. Music is always something that its easy to say, believe and understand that it is a guiding force for spirits, hope, love and life for humanity. Whether we use it for storytelling, for lamenting, for healing, or just in general to get our bodies moving and in harmony with life, nature, and everything after…. Musicians are some of the most powerful spiritualists in life. They are artists that have learned to tap into that inner part where emotions lay, grabbed out some raw and sliced, diced, and cooked them up for us into bits, that we can consume, and can feed, sustain and overall teach us about life, ourselves, and pretty much everything. One of the most gifted one of these – I’m tempted to call him a sorcerer or a wizard but both of those have such powerfully negative connotations for some folks, its probably easier for me to call him a Prophet. One of the most gifted prophets in this artistic musical populous — is Weird Al — not only does he share that gift, of being able to tap into the inner parts, but he is capable of seeing the fruits of another artists music, and without harming the original at all, able to mold and fashion it into something else entirely – generally super humorous (laughter is always the best medicine) while still retaining the soul intention of both the original and the new form. He is like a car detailer or customizer – able to take something that is perfectly good on its own, or maybe missing some tiny tiny spark – and form it into something new, and amazing. — That being said, I’ve never really been a huge fan of his works – but I can see them for the inspired and incredibly talented art that they are…. and I do find myself giggling often at his turn of phrase. Can actually say that his gift of transformation is one I’ve been jealous of to the point of wishing to understand and master for decades. That being said, his latest work the “hamilton polka” stays the course on this one…. “https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oNEdEDbhTQw&feature=youtu.be” —- And this blog title, is inspired by my atleast small lyric attempt to turn the song from Hamilton “Aaron Burr” – where is lyric is “Say Less, Smile More”– into the “Eat less, pray more” — while its not quite the talents of Weird Al – its more the talents of “A Insanity”

So I’ve been struggling with this “how do I X with food, while still Y with food” — algebra has been no help with this – because while I’ve worked this equation out many times in my mind – sometimes logic gets stuck in the tree of emotional life. So I turned to my friend Prayer.

At first my prayers were like usual “help me xyz” — but lately, I’ve come to realize – when you ask for “help” — its nearly always given – but alot of times, its not recognized 🙂 — or rather, what we view as “help” and what is provided as “help” are not at all the same, so much that sometimes they are direct opposing opposites. —- Like an example heard recently of the “well meaning” adult counselor that told inadvertently an impressionable child to “give up their dreams” in the attempt to “help” them recognize reality…. “help” is so so personal and some S word that is not coming to me amidst the alphabet soup of yesterday’s chemo… How is it realistic to expect that god/God/spirit/whatever the divine source that is the focus of prayer…. that is scientifically made up of all the energy of the universe — how is “help” supposed to clarify and be limited to what “want” would more appropriately define. …. I digress.

I prayed. Have been for a couple months about this…. yes sometimes it takes me a bit to recognize that I have a problem that has become a speeding locomotive with no breaks…. So when I started to see that maybe the break line wasn’t just stuck…. maybe it was infact not attached at all…. I started to seek divine intervention — which did infact release me to not worry about it. I know how prayer works. You pray for something, you have faith, you have trust, you have hope – and you get what you need. — Need being the operative word.

So this morning, in my meditations, which is a little different and more distinctive than prayer – but happens usually around after or before depending upon my mood and the need at the time. I changed it up a little on this one…. I prayed, not just for help but for “how” – How do I fix this…. and in the infinite wisdom of the universe, the voice of the actor that plays Aaron burr – or rather sings it — Sang out in clear spirit voice in my head — “Eat less, pray more” — Everytime spirit answers me so directly and so succinctly it makes me laugh. Its a joyful laugh and a blessed laugh – it’s one of confirmation, and feeling my overwhelming connection to the universe reaffirmed for another day. So I’ll be taking this answer more than to heart, and using it as my mantra for a bit until the query is resolved.

Its worth mentioning – that the “reason” or immudious for feeling the need to change this prayer, came out of the chemo predoc appt yesterday. It seems I have have now, in my run away freight train manner, moved into the “second” bracket of weight for my chemo regimen. Further information – chemo dosage is administered by weight of the recipient; when I started this regime in January I was X — I crossed into Y a couple months back, but Doc and I agreed to keep at the lower dose, because well the goal wasn’t to stay at Y was to go back to X — and now I’m at Z – so Doc and I agreed to move to the dosage for Z — which effectively means while my weight has increased by %a – chemo also has increased by %a — the theory being that the more the weight the more your body can take, and more importantly the more you require to ensure its effective. — Same concept with all meds I suppose so probably a little redundant, but worth mentioning for the fact that I really really don’t like chemo…. and taking more is well, it just makes me sad — so I changed the “help” to “how” and that has made all the difference.

So so many small things on my healing that I’m having to pick up, examine, and reassemble in the tapestry of my life. Many fundamental things that seemed important are just not anymore. Many things I have found a home to tolerate, just don’t have that place anymore – those places being filled more with love and constructive things. I’m working on learning my boundaries, and learning to help develop them where they have not previously existed. Its all about learning.

So much to say

Have a challenge of getting my thoughts to slow down right now; and allow me to concise one or two of them into something cohesive. Due to this challenge, going to just ramble alot until they synthesize – coherence maybe lacking.

P told me about this wretched thing, he screens my news, but this was one he felt the urgency/need that I be aware of….. the misguided – yes I’m thinking all sorts of thoughts about words I’d rather use for this, but going to stick with misguided as I do believe that while I don’t understand it, that perhaps there was some force at work for good in this “misguided” individual. — the misguided individual that went into stores, hugged random strangers, and then proceeded to tell them “congrats your infected with Cov” —

I have so so many conflicting thoughts about this…. As a hugger, not getting my quotent I’m appalled and aghast that someone would take advantage of a time like this to do this sort of a sick practical joke. While I realize “infecting someone with COV” – or even “implying” they are infected is a serious matter….. choosing whether or not to accept someone’s infection when they are telling you that they have wrapped infected arms around you and hugged you – is not the same as getting it. — I mean there are nurses, doctors and other staff perpetually exposed in direct conflict with people in the hospitals that absolutely ARE infected with the disease – and yet – most of them walk away unscathed…. its not like there is some “miracle” cure – although I suppose that’s exactly what it is to someone so ignorant as to spread propaganda and fear this way… Go take a shower, wash your clothes, and help do things to boost your immune system. Pray, mediate, stretch, breathe, exercise, eat right…. you know all the things we should all be doing REGARDLESS of a virus that is capable of killing you.

News flash – there are literally hundreds of virus’s and bacteria that “can” kill you — this is a mutation escentially of some old ones, with a little bit more subtrufudge that both makes it harder for immune systems to identify, harder to fight, and longer to overcome. Maybe it was needed for us all to remember to focus on the basics – wash your hands, clean your body, clean your environment. I have a crisp clean memory of my January adventure to the hospital, when I was finishing up with my (nurse) escorted journey to the bathroom – and I asked kindly – please let me wash my hands – and the nurse acting so so surprised and elated at the fact that I would want to do this – and her comment that you would not believe the number of people that don’t….

This comment has stuck with me so so strongly. How can someone use the bathroom, touch heavily soiled parts of their body – you know some of the worst ones that bacteria, fungi, parasites, and virus’s LOVE LOVE LOVE to grow and explore – how can they touch those parts of their body, not to mention – a toilet where OTHER humans have touched parts of their dirty birdy bodies – and NOT immediately want to wash their hands…..

I know I am human. I have felt my heartbeat, felt my lungs expand and contract with my breath. I have felt, at various times throughout my health journey – the blood rush from one part of my body to another. Felt the pressure of inflammation in so so many areas in my body. Felt the pain this inflammation causes. I know I am human, that my body is fragile, and that my time on this earth – by my right of being human – is limited. Its a finite commodity….. I do however feel I’ve plenty of time to wash my hands.

I’m excited about the mandarin orange tree in my back yard, its fruit has started to turn from green on to …. more yellow than anything else, but I have researched and found that is a good sign of it going to orange soon/eventually. There are just so so many of these fruits on this tree, this tree we have had and planted and hoped for what seems like forever that it would flourish. Its such a hopeful promising thing, especially this year – this year of all years, that it would be so thriving.

I’m not particularly a good gardner, in fact I’ve been a self proclaimed brown thumb for as long as I can remember, but this year, I decided to shift that – I mean if my thumb has to have a color why not purple at least instead of brown. I don’t exactly know what that means in terms of allowing plants to grown, but I feel it’s definitely an improvement. In addition to our tree, beautiful tree, my jasmine plants, and our crepe myrtles are growing so mature and lovely. Its natures way of reminding me that growth and healing doesn’t happen overnight, it takes time and nurturing. I got a peacebloom from my dad earlier in the year, which I have surprisingly been able to keep alive, and my brother got me a marigold plant – (which was the favorite flower of my maternal grandfather) – that I have also managed to keep alive. While I don’t know if either plant is thriving – its really hard to say what state of alive they are in…. they both still have blooms, some days with the heat the leaves look more wilty – some days they are just bright happy and shining – I’ll confess that most of the time these are on rainy days. Its something I am learning – at the same time of learning how to be true to myself, and still nurture myself, and grow, and evolve.

Got invited to a retreat thing a few weeks back – a detox retreat from a friend that is a life coach. I had to sit on this request for a few weeks, because the wanderlust part of my spirit was ready to jump at the chance. I prayed. Spirit answered me with a laugh – as usual. This is my year, my time to learn to evolve. To stop following my old pattern of feeling like I have to “run away” to get to a happier, or healthier, or life sustaining place. This is my time to focus on making my home this place. On feeling that I can do these things, where ever I am, to not feel the compulsion or driving urgency to “run away” — There is a snoopy song that seems appropriate – “come home snoopy” — bit of a sad song – another thing I’ve been realizing lately; alot of my “favorite” songs, or songs that resonate with me the most – when I break down the lyrics, or the “source” of these lyrics – they are truly NOT a – well not the happy go lucky thing I typically think they are…

There is a sense of foreboding for me, about this year…. it feels alot like Winnie the Pooh with that comment about “I’m a little black rain cloud of course” when he is attempting to persuade the bees to ignore him as he is reaching to pinch their honey. I think my focus is on finding the blessings, sharing the gratitude, and living the happiness that is here in the moment. There will be more of these things, they will sustain me and this moment of time in the world, for my family, and in my life will not be here forever, it is fleeting and there is joy to be experienced here.

These dreams go on….

Great song by Heart: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=41P8UxneDJE

Last night had a dream in phases, it was about a post apocalyptic world – it wasn’t exactly here – here being Round Rock – but it was somewhere that felt very familiar to me. The dream phases were all the same world but they were different snippets.

The first phase was about being in this almost like a ship type of thing – a space craft or airplane but kinda larger – maybe more like an aircraft carrier that was on the land? It wasn’t far on the land but kinda like it had been in the water, and the earth had sorta fluxed and suddenly the spot where it was at, became some sort of an island. It was now suddenly in the middle of a lake. These are parts that inherently in the dream I “knew”… the history of “where” and how I’d gotten there.

There was fighting and unrest in this huge vessel. There were like different factions, the “haves” (HS) and the “have nots” (HN) … of which I was a member. The HN as we will call us – were fighting for rights and freedoms. Rights to “survive” and to advance humanity – but we had very little anything to help us in this fighting – whereas, HS had advanced military tech – like suits and these robotic style huge guns. They also had these mutated animals that were like stalkers.

The dream was about subterfuge, and sneaking into places to “robin hood” or rather, to get things to meet our basic needs like medicines, and foods, and blankets. We were camping and having shifts of guard duty – it felt alot like a D&D game, where I found myself in and out of being third person.

There were alot of little things that seemed important in this dream, including markings and advertisements in some of the places. Mostly the part that struck is that this vessel was like an underground “community” of HS – they had corridors of markets, with stalls, that were empty – we were stealthing thru these areas in the ship that were alot like the underground markets in Shanghai with small stalls, but they were vacant, and dangerous because there were giant bugs, and rabid animals as well as the HS patrols.

The second phase was sort of a jump ahead from when the HN had taken out the HS or rather, had done a Star Wars like tactic to somehow take out their command center, and now the world or the island was all the HN running things, but conditions weren’t really “better” – and I was honored as one of the “heroes” but it basically felt like being a slave to someone else’s agenda. So I had decided to “run away” with a couple of other people who were in agreement with me. I had this giant animal – a cross between a pup and a wolf. It was like a direwolf size, and he was named snape – which was a combination of his favorite things – “Snapping” “Napping” and “sneaking around” …. there were about five of us…. a motley group, and we were searching for a way “across the lake” — because the lake had these mutant shark things, that were fresh water creatures, but were a combination of a shark, an octopus, and a leech. Basically they could sense with echolocation, had the ability to have tentacles that retracted swam their pray and had the ability to suck the life out before resistance was able to be made – and they had fins. Our small group was searching for a few weeks – avoiding the “leadership of the new order of the HN” that were hunting us down – we finally found a shallow area, where we could have Snape test for creatures, and we were able to cross, and found a small place to hide.

This brought about the third phase, which started “sometime” after we had been on the mainland. Apparently it also wasn’t a safe space, as there were patrols and the HS was still quite active here – different sort of HS but still dominant control of society was by the Haves, and the Have Nots were struggling to survive. We were roaming thru streets of a city that felt extremely steam punk – and somewhere I recognized in the dream – it felt like a city that had been bombed – we were stealthy walking down row style streets of extremely old north eastern houses – Victorian style.

We approached the house were were after, because it was a family that I knew – I had apparently, in the dream, been very close with the son of the household. We went in, and the “matron” or head female of the house, didn’t recognize me and she quickly ushered us in – in some sort of “you are part of the resistance” fashion, and walked us to — a space. The bottom of this house had like a grand room – that was formerly in the dream it felt like an earlier phase of my life – this room had been a dance hall – a grand ball room. It was now filled with “cubbies” like cubicles, and this woman ushered us into one – and explained this was her last space. She further explained that it would cost us $80 dollars a week, which I suddenly realized wasn’t an issue for me as I somehow, from somewhere had a huge wad of cash, and I knew I would be able to cover our expense for a significant period of time.

I tried to remind her of who I was, but it apparently didn’t register with her, and I tried to hug her, and she embraced me but it was still as if she was hugging a needy stranger. Her son, my friend, walked down this grand stair case, and as soon as he saw me, as I broke the embrace with his mother, he ran from across the room, picked me up and swung me around – he was a big fellow, but I was also a small waif in this dream. He immediately recognized me, and his embrace was so real and so genuine, I know it woke me a bit in RL — I was able to settle back quickly into the dream and he chastised his mother.

He told her who I was, and reminded her of “who I was” – and she suddenly had an aha moment and said “this is …. some name here” – some things in my dreams are clear, other things are just sorta fuzzy.

She immediately clapped her hands and some robot things appeared in butler outfits, and she told them to guide her “guests” to the suite guest rooms upstairs. The son my friend, was still holding my hand, and trying to keep my attention – his plans for the day forgotten with my arrival.

Unfortunately morning activities for the day came to me around that time as P came to wake me — it had been a long good sleep.

Even though the whole world in the dream was seriously….. well – it felt like somewhat a more dangerous junk yard than I’ve ever seen or watched or encountered – there was still the human spirit rising up to right injustices and to find a way.

The light will always find a way to shine in the darkness – always.

Break out your short skirts

In trying to convince myself to “go back to sleep” this morning, when I awakened far … too…. early. I was praying/meditating – as I do during these times….

Insight came to me, about a “should have been obvious thing” – we will call it a “well duh” moment…

Its the roaring twenties – Part 2. Literally the Roaring twenties, but we are living in the sequel. There are so many parallels to this scary, amazing time that we are in right now, to that time period that I only know of – other than history lessons, history books and a fabulous google search from this morning – from legend.

Things that happened in the 20’s worth drawing a line to the parallel – Penicillin – you know the most common antibiotic of our day and age in so many variations and varieties — was developed/marketed.

This is an incredible article about a few other notables for the 20s… Like the first “defacto” female president – the failed/laughable amendment that was put into action (prohibition) – Women voting, Racial tensions (kkk), terrorist attacks, Ponzi schemes…. It sounds alot like this year, and the decade we are in….. or atleast surprisingly a circular series events.

I guess that adage about history repeating itself is not just spot on, but surprisingly scary. Here is to hoping that the vaccine we get for this new menace comes around sooner than penicillin.

The part that I found food for thought – is that this was the good times – the 20s – except when they rounded out and ended with the great depression…… Where it was food and basic living things that were not available – not just toilet paper.

This truly is our “gift” decade of gratitude, we have so many magical wonderful things to appreciate. None of us know what the future holds, but it’s interesting to me when I get a foreshadowing that is just so so humbling like this one.

Other interesting links about the 20s:




I feel like we have more extremes now in society than it seems that they had then …. Not necessarily a good or bad thing – we have faster movement and faster advancement….. but we also have or seem to have less stopping to enjoy the roses, smell the roses, and just relax with the roses. We have so many “conveniences” that seem to actually take more time than without them.

P & I were talking about this a while back — for example “fast food” – which its easy to say “isn’t good for you” – but the truth is its also not really fast, and there is a whole argument about whether or not its actually food anymore. If I have planned, prepared and have the needed items to cook in my home – then getting in the car, waiting in a line, ordering and being dependent on someone else to do the “things” to the “food”, pay and head home to eat is NOT faster than cooking healthier things in my kitchen. Its actually often times longer, its often times more expensive, and its definitely not healthier. But the marketing around this scheme of calling it “fast food” gives a false sense that I’m saving something in the process of getting it.

Take a breakfast sandwich for example. It doesn’t take anytime to fry an egg, to add cheese — or even to fry bacon or sausage – 10 Minutes max. vs, Car–drive–restaurant– order (assuming there is no one else already doing this)-get order–drive home – circa de 20 minutes. — for a significantly poorer quality of food than my kitchen would produce.

I suppose I could chalk this up to the “ponzi scheme” parallel from my initial thought – it often feels alot like it could be this – particularly with franchises….. and marketing.

Okay enough about the bad, lets talk about the good. We have farmers markets – abundant amazing farmers markets. A place, where we can get “bootleg” food — food that is higher quality in nutrition, alot closer to the farm than anything in the store – so its a good choice if your not growing your own garden.

I think I mentioned recently in a blog about my Grandfather A – who had a garden his whole life….. When he and my grandmother moved into their “traditional modern apartment” they planted a garden outside of their porch. It wasn’t like a little porch garden – it was a “full on side of the building garden” that he had gotten the management to approve. it was this thing — that at the time, seemed to my young 20 something brain as “old logic” that I couldn’t’ rationalize a place for – although I have to say the veggies he had in it were amazing, so much flavor. Now in my 40 something logic I think to myself – THIS is what we all need. But who will teach us to do this? To make, to cultivate, to care for these gardens? I know he didn’t spend “all of his time” or even “the majority of his time” caring for this garden – so it MUST have been a faster thing for him than paying grocery store prices for less quality veggies. This is just one of those moments that I am thankful to have been exposed to this, and to see his true american ingenuity spirit at work …. because I KNOW I am in his line, and I know I got some of this spark too. Farmers markets are probably the next best choice until I figure this out.

Had a self revelation last night with P – when we were discussing a trip he clearly remembered to a place called “dateland” – when my mother and sister visited us in San Diego – and we drove to Las Vegas to see the at the time ‘Star Trek Adventure’ — we apparently stopped at this place called “Dateland” in California — and I apparently had this incredible Date shake – that I have absolutely no memory of….

I remember the trip to Vegas – I remember my mother and sister visiting – but I don’t’ recall this stop at all – its like a void in my memory. P was providing graphical details of the entire place and experience, and my mom who was on a chat with us – was agreeing and supplying her own remembrances. It clearly happened – and I’ve had years of experience to KNOW – when P tells me something happened, it happened, even if I don’t recall it.

The revelation is more that for alot of my history – I have this weird thing of not remembering. I have memories, I remember some things — but for the most part I only remember if there is a traumatic or dramatic event. – most of which in my memory reserves are negative.

This is not to say, that I don’t have positive memories, quite the contrary – I have loads of those, but for much of my life the stronger memories are the negative. I remember things because of something traumatic about them. I’m working on rewiring this, and also delving into focused memory exercises, because I know that those times are there, I know I have the memories, they are just locked up for save keeping in file cabinets that have keys stored somewhere else.

There are a few periods in my personal history that are NOT like that, where the memories are less “file unavailable” – one that I remember surprisingly well is the time when I went to visit my Great Aunt in DC. I remember so so many good things about that trip – the people, the experiences, the sites, the doings – the time with family both my mothers, and my fathers… the history — but I also feel that the tying factor that makes these memories more available is that my Maternal grandfather died during this time — Its an interesting revelation that the overlying sad event has allowed me to retain the beautiful happy memories …. things like Cherry Blossom Tries, the Volksmarches with my aunt and my cousin – walks for long miles of exploration – long walks to and from work up hill in the snow 🙂 – touring around on foot thru DC and finding hidden treasures. Seeing the amazing and free museums, and just roaming thru them and exploring so many sights and sounds. Traveling and exploring thru bus and metro. Being self sufficient without a car. Getting hired for my short term temporary job at CVS because of my name being greek 🙂 Meeting an amazing co-worker who showed me the ropes and went on many adventures with me… Eating healthy and being exposed to healthy recipes and foods I’d never had before – Salmon Cakes. Learning about taking responsibility for my actions. (a lesson I’m still working on mastering – yes sometimes I’m slow to do this… I feel this is a life long one)

I’m not sure where or why I got wired to remember the bad, the trauma so so more vividly. They can play out in my head like movies – cautionary tales really, where as the good memories are like snap shots and pictures that I can step into. I do know that I’m going to change this, and this is something I’ve been working on the past — well over a year now. Conscious decision. I have alot of movies of good things from the past year. Times that I have actively chosen to take mental movies of to be able to have them play out like peter pan movies in my head.

I can fly, I can fly, I can fly.

Lucky number 23

P & I had our 23rd anniversary on Saturday. 23 is an interesting number; it has some interesting meanings in many types of data points. For me, it means closing in on half of my life married with P vs the time before. We had a very fun day.

We went for a super early morning drive – since we knew that the weather was predicted to be over 100 by noon, so our goal was to be “home and safe in the AC”

P decided on this day, that I was “in charge” of picking the place, so I let intuition guide me, I knew I oddly wanted to go south east – so we ended up driving past the Formula One stadium – one we have passed from the highway before, but it was kinda cool to explore that and the further east region from there…. It was a new area for us in driving exploration, and one that – unknown to me – was one P had been wanting to do just not super high priority. So it was a fun and new drive for us.

Upon our return home, P decided to work on one of his Lego sets – he has been collecting legos a while now, and we have started recently to break these out and build some of them. For today, he chose a treehouse – which is apparently an extensive kit to build – the “instruction” book for it is an inch think. Crazy things – I didn’t even realize until late last night that this “huge book” was the “instruction manual” – lego sets are just odd.

P sat happily building this kit for 3-4 hours, and got about 1/4 of the set built. I did not realize at the time – because I was goofing off relaxing – that he was sitting in a bad degree of a triangle – leaning over the kit and focused for the entire time.

Sufficed to say, he caused some pinching in his sciatic, and his IT band – which is a complicated way to say “he hurt his back” – or rather, my not paying attention means, for our anniversary I gave him literally a pain in the arse! – I own it, I’m a pita 🙂

We are having alot of fun with this home isolation – we have been getting alot of things that are “honey do” projects done and cleared out – it feels empowering and amazing. They are alot of small things, but it feels so good to have “done” these things. P feels it too. I know he is hurting a bit right now, but he has alot more activation energy towards doing things to help himself feel better faster – its very inspiring.

I am pretty blessed to have such an incredible guy. We spent alot of time on Saturday reminiscing about some time things from our 23 years. – like our whirlwind 2 years in California before Texas – and the time and fact that we are now officially “texans” or atleast we have lived here more than 20 years, so that “seems” like we are official at this point.

Life is just full of so much robust and amazing things. Even this overabundant heat we have had recently. Its exceeded 100 degrees for the past 4 days, and its an amazing thing to be so grateful for my AC. I have a hard time fathoming what it was like to live in Texas before AC (BAC) – There is something empowering about the hot wind blowing across my porch.

I will say, this hot wind makes me super cognizant of this new fire tornado scare- it makes for incredible pictures, but the destruction. Reminds me about how fragile we are as humans. I have an acute sense of this; health reasons and all, but man just the smallest amount of things, and we are wiped out as a species.

I am grateful for how amazing life is, and the power that is swirling all around me. Here is to many more years of great experiences, and blatant reminders for gratitude and appreciation.

The magic all around us

Intuition is something I’ve always felt is natural to me. There are certain people I’ve come into contact or who have “graced me” with their presence that are just a happy place for my intuition. I am blessed to have a large number of these people still in my life, sending me happy messages and cheering me on – this helps so much on the days that I struggle.

I’m not sure why I get such a energy lift when one of these people just sends me a random thing – but it’s like getting a hug from a loved one you haven’t seen in a very long time. There are just some things that are good, and its best not to question them – just enjoy the moment and know there will be another again soon.

This weekend was adventure weekend. P and I went with my sister out for a drive yesterday – she got to experience one of our adventures for the first time, and as always hanging with her just makes me happy. She is and has always been a present for me. I asked and prayed for many years for a younger sister, someone I could share my experiences with, someone I could share my ups my downs and my joys with, someone I could have and hold, and comfort when she needed. I’m blessed to have that in my life. It came thru an unexpected path; but I am so grateful for this gift. We explored an area not far from the house in Texas that was off the beaten trail and just filled with wide open spaces.

Today was another adventure just P and I and we went a different route – going a little earlier as we took the car with the “less effective” AC. Its nice to be able to drive/ride out and explore. There are so many back road towns in Texas. So much small history to peek and ponder. Our adventure today took us over many creeks and streams – oddly many of them sharing the name “brushy creek” like our own Round Rock named stream.

As we explored today, we reminisced – this is something P & I are tending to do frequently right now – for obvious reasons, and also because we have shared history now that nearly exceeds my individual history Pre-P. Funny thing how time moves. We talked about things and people pre-Texas, and how different life would be if we had never come here. Its an interesting thing for me, that the first job I had that I really thrived at, and loved was working for HP in San Diego, and I left that job to relocate to Texas.

Sometimes you have to give up the things you enjoy and prize the most, to progress. Some of the things you take the most pride and satisfaction in are the very things you have to part with to evolve. Much like a caterpillar turning into a butterfly. Freedom to explore and crawl around with tasters on all the toes, to curling up tightly in a bound state, unable to move, unable to see or feel anything, in order to explode out into a free state of flight.

Life is full of magical thing like this, where we must let go of our favorite things, the things we most enjoy to progress. I’m finding that more and more as I move to a healthier me. Not everything has to go, but many of the things that I have taken ego or satisfaction in being so good at, so knowledgeable of – so capable – I’m having to let go, and leave to others, so that I can focus on the things that matter more right now. Not just release them but release them willingly and gracefully; trusting that there will be help and solutions for all of them coming to me soon.

Always learning. Everyday, more about myself, about my friends and family and most importantly about life.

Its a great day to be alive. I am blessed and grateful for life, and the amazing things I am getting to experience.

Rambling thoughts of Life…

Had a weird dream last night…. It started with these suits, that were – well not unlike the stillsuits – a little less “recycling” oriented, because they were not designed for long term use, just for protection for short term things. They were high temperature protection for 1-2 hours.

In the dream, the temperature periodically got to high enough temperature outside to be seriously dangerous to humans, and these suits were worn by folks that had to do outside things. It was an unusual dream, because it seemed like “today” but it was not today, there were subtle things that told me it was sometime in the future. Like it was in my house, but the furnishings were slightly different; they felt like “my house” but it didn’t look like my house today.

When I woke I started thinking about these suits, and wondering if anyone has started to manufacture these – because it seems like the type of thing that might be useful / helpful even in the randomly high temperature that happen periodically in a few places. They were sort of like a triple lined suit, with a cooling material in the middle so as to keep the suit cool on the inside where the person was… and in my dream, an ac repair guy was wearing it while fixing our AC which had overheated.

Dunno sometimes dreams make me wonder about things. I know that global warming is a thing – have felt this since I was in high school. It does seem that the planet, much like my body, is more resilient than anticipated/believed. I remember everyone saying “its coming now…. Its coming now”…. for years. Its like the boy who cried wolf, so that those of us that truly believe have a hard time imagining it after so many “welp not really this time” things.

Humans – as far as I know I’m one of them, although somedays I do feel a bit alien when I see some of the crazy insanity like “no masks? Really?” – have this incredible ability to destroy. We burn thru and up resources like they are infinite, and there is kinda an argument for them being infinite – as energy is conserved, but just because “more milk exists” doesn’t mean that its in the fridge for us to access, or that the cow has been milked yet to provide it.

Alot of the things we enjoy, hell expect, are finite. Humans – well atleast our bodies, are finite. We exist in the form we are for a time – yes, fake time – for a time – and then we go back to the energy form. We are a resource too, but seems like we enjoy destroying other resources, almost I wonder if its part of our purpose.

Maybe god said “welp this planet is great, but it needs an end eventually” maybe his experiment was “I wonder if the Sun or the humans will kill it first” —- “an end eventually” – makes me think of the title of the last Star Trek next gen “all good things…” – such a great series, such a great ending. Also reminiscent of the Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy, and Dr. Who with the witnessing of the end of the universe.

I’m not sure if I believe in a true end to the universe, kinda I think I believe the universe is just one giant ball – much like time, and it just circles around in existence – seeming to expand and contract with various cosmic events, but only doing this via perspective.

Perspective is a powerful thing – its a frame of reference. Right now, my perspective on life often is unclear if I’m winning, or shoving the pull door with all my might. I reframe for myself often, to picture myself five years from now, stronger, healthier, busier (yes I still keep chastising myself for not doing enough… whatever that is…) more able to accomplish “things” — which I’m not certain what they are yet.

I feel like the blues brothers “I’m on a mission from god” — I just am not certain what that mission is yet….. I know when I have strength and capacity to handle it, clarity will be provided, and that I’m supposed to be “enjoying my rest” right now…. but thats hard. Resting has always been somewhat a love hate relationship. Sure I love it, but I equally hate it, for taking me down, breaking my stride and otherwise making my time — time that trickster again – feel less thoroughly utilized.

I’ve started walking every day again. I’m at day 12. I started with 20 minutes, at a super slow pace – because honestly it was all I could handle. I’m getting to a little faster, and a little longer, but gosh it seems so slow. I know its valuable, I know each step I take tells my body: “fight” “we got this” “move to live” — but it feels more like “can’t we rest now?” ” are we done yet?” “are we there yet?”

There was a Ted talk – although I think it was TedX that I watched, that showed me the best way to deal with this – two sentences to memorize to help me with this internal drama – “Are my thoughts useful?” and “how do my thoughts behave?” — and its an amazing thing to me, how quickly those thoughts — most of which are my inner child trying to find some “alternative game to be playing” – those two sentences, quiet things down and let me just keep going, and enjoying it helping my body and mind to move.

Interesting times to be living in, just interesting times.

Little things mean alot

And other songs that are stuck in my head… I’m not sure when/where/if I had heard this song by the original artist or by many many remakes… https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y3qWRtLCfOI

There have just been so many little things lately. Long drives thru winding tree lined roads, clear skies, warm sunshine – so so many things. A warm smile on a friendly face, particularly since we can’t get random hugs from all the normal people – just the one in my home.

When people are complying with social distancing and masks – that feeling of solidarity in my heart that we all care for our fellow humans.

When I get the random smiling message in text or messenger from a friend or loved one with a positive uplifting message.

The warm cup of coffee in the morning, the breakfast that P lovingly fixed for me ready to eat when I wake…. Just the little things.

I had a sad moment the other day – randomly sad; was having the tasty breakfast P made me, and enjoying the rare cinnamon raisin bagel, and realizing that it just flashed and reminded me of eating these with my grandmother. Sitting at her dining room table, and enjoying one of the bagels she had bought for me, after school or work. Chatting with her about nonsense, the subject didn’t matter, it was the time. So precious the time, in the moment it just seems like its an experience, but in reflection… it means everything.

Realizing in that moment of the flash, that I missed her. That I’d never really mourned my grandmothers passing – any of my grandparents really – all four of them have passed – even my step grandmother passed this year — all of that generation for me is gone. The little things, the memories of shucking peas on the porch with my grandfather. Watching Football with my grandfather. Having breakfast at a disney restaurant with both of my grandparents. The hugs my frail and so small grandmother would give me the smell of her skin and the feel of her strength and warmth – both of them.

Little things mean alot.

In the recent lecture series I attended, one of the things they covered or demonstrated was they had us close our eyes and focus on a memory of a hug. Such a powerful exercise. I have so many hugs stored in my mind, the warm embrace that just reminds you that you are alive, and the person you are hugging is alive. Their smell, their heart beating against you chest. I am blessed, I have memories of all the people I love giving me hugs. I can go back to those in my mind.

Its a good thing to hug. While time is an illusion, its the one we all share, and its fleeting. Its gone in an eyeblink. When we return to energy, hugs are alot harder.

Just never enough of the little things. Seems like the more of them I get the more I crave, the more I need. Its like a tummy that has been overfilled, it expands and grows to the amount its been expanded.

I am blessed to have so many little things. May I always remember to show overwhelming gratitude for all these little things, and return them ten fold for all the blessings they bring to me.

Amusing Lyrics and things that make me laugh…

So I’ve always had this thing where I change the lyrics to what my mind feels it hears….. this is no exception in this day and age…. however there is a thing about me getting to understand some things with a little more clarity. This is both terrible amusing – as I’m very very capable of laughing at myself – and a little sad.

For example, the song “Just gimme the light” by Sean Paul – is clearly about striking up a bowl – he says so in the lyrics right after the chant of “just gimme the light” … somehow my incredible imaginative mind heard – and has for years heard other things….. “Just gimme the light” vs the dark I’m experiencing now…

There is something to be said, for the fact that lighting up the bowl with the light WOULD potentially in fact “give him the light” – but its not the same as my mind originally thought. Song dynamic changes completely when you put it in this frame.

Framing is something I’ve been learning/working with – Thanks Dr A and P — for helping me frame – unfortunately this doesn’t always turn out positive —- sometimes I lose my friends in the process — Curse you Pancakes for being cakes made in a pan!! But I will have my revenge – found a really good recipe (thanks Sonya) for oatmeal pancakes that looks healthy enough for me to enjoy 🙂 Plus its allowed me to rethink my passion for deserts, and really contemplate who are in the top 5 — still not quite ironed down, but I DO feel that T’s pumpkin empanadas are up there — pretty certain about that — man they were amazing.

Small section on health things…. Had chemo last week, its still making me tired, but also potentially the systemic staph infection they finally found — I’ve been asking them about “things” for 3 months — finally a culture “found it” and we are on good antibiotics (I think? I trust? ) from the culture that will knock it out. GO team! Still pretty tired, but maybe it wasn’t just the chemo making me tired? So maybe things will be more sunshine and rainbows again soon!

Speaking of Sunshine … we went for another one of our ‘drives” yesterday – this time to the west – its amazing how we can drive like twenty minutes out of Round Rock and be in “wide open spaces” – this particular drive was VERY VERY reminiscent of california. So much so it was amusing that the temperature dropped 7 degrees along the drive. … We tend to do windows when its open spaces and the speed limit is 50 or above – I just love the wind… Love Love Love the wind. It helps me channel my internal Pocahontas

I’m learning how to put on my own oxygen before trying to help others. This is a lesson I should have mastered years ago, but I have struggled. My mind thinks of all the people I care about, and it wants to help them. Not thinking about “hey we are here, we need that energy you are dispersing to survive” — so I’m working on learning/mastering this – its hard, truth be told, its a little harder than it should be — makes me wonder how much ego I get out of “helping” others- recognizing that my motivation for helping others may not always be as pure as I thought — more as a way of “avoiding” helping myself – is a ponderance I’ve been having.

Self care is important, how much is enough? Well I keep waiting for my body to tell me “we don’t really need this” and apparently I haven’t hit that point.

Still having the rollercoaster of suddenly being sad, over silly – well okay its big deep sadness I’m having, so its not really silly its just somewhat silly to me in hindsight when I am feeling normal that I haven’t dealt with some of these things until now – over the things that are like “why are you crying over spilt milk” — most recent one — P got me bagels – because for what ever reason I was having a serious craving for them – got me Cinnamon Raisin (my favorite) and I portioned and froze all but 2 of them – because I know I love bagels but I also know I don’t need to eat the whole package when this is a “sometime treat” — Good job cookie monster lol – C is still and will always be for cookies. —

I digress – So I was enjoying my “bagel sandwich” P had fried me up a couple eggs, and as I was enjoying it — I suddenly had this intensive hard flash in my mind to sitting in my grandmothers dining room eating my bagel sandwich talking to my grandmother – she used to stock bagels specifically for me. She has passed many moons ago, and while I spent time with her before she passed – quality time that I treasure – I have never really allowed myself to mourn her passing. Suddenly I was enjoying this delicious sandwich – and balling my eyes out. Love you grandmother, thank you for the gifts, treasures, blessings, and above all hopeful optimism you bestowed upon me. The tears lasted probably alot longer than mayhaps they should have? – I know she would have said they did, which kinda brought a smile to my face, but trying to put poor P in my head to explain why I was smiling and balling all at the same time with big fluffy tears draining down my face – it was a happy memory – most of mine of her are – …. was challenging.

He has been incredible supportive of all these emotional releases, but they are definitely a challenge because I go from one second elatedly happy to just balling. IDK if this is just release, chemical things, or menopausal things – what I can say, is after the tears finish and the emotion is satisfied. I feel alot better. I feel like a weight is lifted from my heart, and I’m more free to focus on stronger things.

Here is to growing up, growing old, enjoying life for all the blessings and joy it has in abundance, and most especially for getting stronger and happier. Thank you universe for surrounding me with love and light, please keep sending it out to all the people that I touch, that are in my sphere. This is a challenging time, and we can all use more happiness.