Stabbing Westward and other things that have always been profound to me….

Okay more lyrics time:

Song is: Save yourself by Stabbing Westward – Lyric that has always always been a go to for me is the chorus of this song:
“I can not save you
I can’t even save myself
So just save yourself”

Right now I am reminded that my job is not to save anyone else other than myself. I’m fighting. I’m working on finding solutions, some moments I fall off the track, it isn’t about the fall, its about the strength to get back up.

Right now many of my loved ones are facing their own falls, we are all looking for power from the inspiration of those that are doing it, going thru the motions. I know they are there, just like the fact that the sun and the weather tells me its nearly spring, and that the birds are busy doing bird things and there will be baby birds coming soon. The strength is there, its in the universe, I just have to harness it and keep it going.

Today I fell. I slipped up and had some amazingly delicious, horrible bad treat that is only available “for a limited time’ – I didn’t eat it for emotional reasons, I ate it because I wanted it. I wanted the taste. It was so so good, so so worth it. Until it was gone, and then abruptly I started feeling really physically bad. I know it was a bad choice, I know choosing to do it was bad. The physically feeling horrible, the sugar feeling horrible after so long not having a sugar binge like this, really felt super lousy, on top of just feeling my body suddenly wanting to crash, sleep and feed all that horrible toxic badness to the stuff I’m trying to shoo shoo out of my body. I went to nap, because I literally was struggling to keep my eyes open from the crash. I tried eating some celery to slow down the sugar, and it helped a tiny bit, but not enough. Sleep seemed like it.

As I lay down, to drift off, I recalled a recent passage in the book I’m reading right now… She mentions about the fact that if your going to eat one of the “bad for your cancer” things, you should work out soon/immediately after, so that your body tries to burn it or use it as fuel for your muscles. This came to my mind as i was trying to drift to sleep and I took this as my intuition trying to tell me “No, not nap, workout” – so I got up, put on my tennis shoes, and walked on the treadmill… I know this sounds a little odd, but when my intuition says something, I listen. I have to say, even though its only a short little walk I can do super slow right now – my short walk, fixed the feeling like crap. I feel instantly more alive, more alert, and maybe my body is helping me deal with my poor choices and helping me from inadvertently killing myself.

This book I reading, its interesting, so interesting that I picked up two copies for both of my favorite doctors, and “wrapped them up” – like book covers from the 80s 🙂 as the content is excessively controversial, and I don’t want to get these two doctors who I am keeping on my team, and on board with helping me kill this cancer, I don’t want to get them into hot water, but I do feel this is information they might find valuable. They may also be able to explain some of the sciency things that are just – well I’m struggling with them. Its a well written book, but even when my brain was its former glory I’m not sure I would have followed along, this lady has a science background, and I do not.

Spiderweb time, it has come to my attention that the reason that my dog is such a “mean dog” – aka “asshole” – is because I have somehow inadvertantly trained him to be my personal “ptsd” or “anxiety” dog. He reacts HEAVILY with barking and bad/more dominant behavior when I am stressing. I have tested, and tracked this…. its kinda uncanny. This is somewhat interesting to learn, as well as helpful but also down right annoying.

One of the struggles I’ve been having with reducing my stress, and anxiety, is that I don’t recognize when I am stressed or anxious. I mean once I get to “attack” phase its pretty easy, but recognizing the triggers pre that point are not something I have found a “aha” moment for…. my general take on these types of things has been “suck it up buttercup” and just power thru… which is apparently not “no stress or anxiety” its apparently “step one” … so somehow, having him start to be freaking out – which inadvertently makes me really feel bad, like makes my head hurt and makes me grouchy – somehow this has become my “step” – which has allowed me to go back and go “wow that was a trigger?!?” — But most importantly, it has allowed me to instantly stop the escalation with the tools I have, and allowed me to calm down and prevent further escalation. I’m sure this will be a good thing, once I figure out how useful a tool it actually is – but more importantly, having these “wow” moments has allowed me to “suck it up buttercup” in a different way and just take the anti anxiety meds I need right now when I can anticipate that a situation is GOING to cause a moment. (sorry Nancy)

Overall, this has created a more peaceful happier me. Go figure, go pup go.

Speaking of meds – got to finally stop taking the blood thinners! Yeah team, clots all gone. This was something that was minorly concerning to me, but mostly I’m just super glad to be done with those.

In other unexpected things, finally had follow up with Neurologist about the hospital thing – I have to say, I was not anticipating good things from this appointment, and perhaps it was my super super low expectations, or perhaps it was just that this doctor was — he came highly recommended by my oncologist – who its worth mentioning has made some Incredible doctor recommendations to me in general. I went in with a strong desire/hope for one course of action, and this doctor was able to explain to me a few gaps in my puzzle of events/realities that I had not concerned, but that made complete sense, and thru this discourse was completely able to rationally convince me by my own desire, that keeping things as they are presently was the best course of action. Its not very often that someone can completely change my plan of action – I think alot, I rationalize alot, before I present a plan I have considered all of the aspects/parameters that I can see and consider, weighted them heavily and chosen the one that gives me the greatest outcome to my personal nervana – which these days is “quality of life – while fighting to kill of the cancer” All in all, it was one of the best doctor visits I remember in a very long time. He listened, he heard, he countered in a way that was both logical, clear and concise, I agreed with his assessment, and while he was willing completely to be persuaded to my perspective, I agreed with the course of keeping things stable for now. I can say, while its surprising to me, I actually feel happier and more content with this decision than I did with my initial plan from entering.

I love that I can still be pleasantly surprised. I love that I still have so much to learn, so much to understand, so much more to achieve.

Still many more good days than less good days. Still feeling overall better and better. Have resolved to get back on the strong choices to 95% good things March 1st, this is going to include a much more return to vegan style for most of my eating, much to the sadness of my love with Dairy and red meat.

Overall, things seem to be going pretty well, I have upcoming great trips to look forward to, and while I’m still a little anxious from what the hospital bills will be, when they finally arrive – I am so so thankful for very good insurance.

Have had some incredible dreams lately with so many possibilities of things, most I can’t even remember, I just wake up feeling good. Coupled with these highs are the lows of watching and crying through Moana – I’m mourning the loss of old life things, but its not in a bad way, its just in my own way, of knowing I need to let them go, so there is space for the new better way of doing things I’m learning now, and crying through such an incredible Disney movie is one of the best ways/tools I have for releasing that sadness and giving it a happy home. So when the ocean picks that little child going for the shells, and I am balling my eyes out, its in sorrow, but its also in joy. The balance is real, and my heart is okay with that.

I have to say thank you to the universe for the weather we have had the past week too, while I know its miserable, and many folks have been pretty discontent – its kinda my favorite type, dark gloomy, overcast, chilly and rainy. Its much like the weather I love from Seattle. It has put a tiny spark in my heart of calm, for the fact that I am itching for a trip up NW, and I know I have another month and a half to wait to get there. Thanks Universe, for bringing me the glimpse! — Feel free to return to the normally scheduled Texas weather 🙂

Breath in, Breath out

Lyrics always come to me for titles, don’t ask why – just a song person – one of those people that somewhat breaths songs. There is this thing that I learned how to do back in middle school around 7th grade I believe. Circular breathing. I had understood the concept of it even earlier, with church choir, but it didn’t snap into place in my mind until I was working on a solo for a performance, and suddenly I realized I wasn’t exactly holding my breath, but I wasn’t breathing normally, I was somehow breathing as I was singing.

Its an interesting thing, circular breathing. Its breathing in and out as you talk or sing in a sense. Allowing the breath to control your vocal cords and somehow just facilitate the voice via exhalation and inhalation. Its something, I have done since that time, although I’ll confess I’m a horrible teacher of it, having a functional understanding, but not really a practical understanding of what precisely I’m doing with this technique.

I just know, it has allowed me to talk over people, and thru people, and perpetually go on talking and talking and talking without pause ad infinitum to the distress of others going “how is she still talking” Its an interesting tool with regards to debate.

Suffice to say, I feel quite strongly it has saved my life. Hard to explain this feeling, other than to say my lungs are quite strong with regards to breathing, and my body has in addition to a strong fight sense for survival, a good strong sense of how to control my breath for sustaining life.

I digress. This blog wasn’t about that at all, but more about the life part.

I’m feeling alot these days, strong feelings about life. About how its about joy. Doing the things that bring you joy, and happiness. Not to say that the other mundane things aren’t valuable, they are just significantly less important.

Was coaching a friend recently, on advice for life. I laugh at this, I am far from a poster child for how to live ones life, with the exception of the fact that I am spending my days fighting for the right to be included among the living. And most days, I’m more than winning, I am enjoying the day in the process.

Some things I have learned, thru intuition and thru specific non earthly messages. Control is an illusion, and the sooner I release and let it go, the better off I am as a whole, particularly in the health area. The less I aim to channel or focus things, the more flexible my healing skills and those healings directed at me, are more able actually help me in the way I need, verses the way I feel or think I need – which I too suffer from the common problem of getting in the way of what my intuition has told me, or I know I should be doing.

There is an irony in the fact that I drank the Kool-aid, and followed the Nancy Reagan adage of “say no to drugs” – having gone thru the bulk of my life completely avoiding drugs. The irony being the quantity of drugs I have experienced, been forced, coerced, recommended, and pleaded with to accept and endure, now years later. Sorry Nancy, the time to say no is over. Intuition has told me, if I want to cure cancer, I have to suck it up buttercup and just take what they are telling me. The upside is not all of them are horrible.

This new found feeling of strength I have, of realizing that my job is not to try and control things but to maintain my faith, my belief and stay strong in these things. When things happen, when other people bombard me with their “things” – Like the lady at Kerbey lane a bit back – my job is to embrace them, ask what I can do, and just move on. They are human, just like me, they are dealing with things, just like me, and it isn’t really personal, no matter how it feels in the moment. I shouldn’t accept it personally, and I should do what I can to help them understand that it’s okay, to let their “things” pass, and to do what I can to help them get back to joy faster. I think I finally in this moment, as I type this understand the mentality I tried to capture in India. That mentality that not only is it bad for ME on a spiritual level, but bad for universal harmony for anyone to not be in a place of happy joy. My part is to do whatever I can to help them get back there expeditiously, particularly if all it takes is listening humble with an empathetic ear. I can do this.

My brain is a weird place these days. So many things I felt were so important for so long, that took up so so much brain space, so many direct and important rivers of information, channels that were trod by my thoughts so frequently and repeatedly are just – well many of them are just gone. For a time, I was worried about this, but now – in my meditations I have come to realize they obviously weren’t serving me so them being unavailable or gone – whether temporarily or permanently is probably for the best. I do have to say growing up with adaptability being a underlying personality trait does have its advantages, particularly at moments and experiences such as these.

I take solace in the fact that learning new things has always been a passion for me, and the opportunity to relearn things I have known before is quite intriguing. It allows me the joy of the learning – particularly since I have memory of knowing it before, so I know I once before learned it, which both gives me confidence in my ability to master it again, and the fact that it really isn’t as new as it feels, while simultaneously being joyful for being new, fresh, and a skill I get to re integrate.

It can be a little frustrating to my friends and loved ones however, and this is a struggle for me, it makes me a little sad. It somehow makes them a little agitated, because I’m asking about things they KNOW I knew at one point. They know I could do at a point somewhere. I know they are right, and I can completely appreciate why it would be frustrating that I don’t understand or can’t complete the thing now. Their valid frustration makes me sad. It makes me realize that I have lost something, that although it is somewhat a cool puzzle for me, an opportunity to learn it better, to be stronger – well it makes them agitated, and that just makes me a little sad. Sad is the only emotion I can really express with it, because I just don’t have time for much else, and even with sad, this isn’t something I have control over – having released control and embraced that healing comes from being in the moment, from relinquishing. I know they understand, and will be patient, they are my friends and loved ones after all, but they are also human, and I’m human, and the human things are often messy, sticky and generally act first think later, and embrace the feeling last. For me at this moment the feeling is the first, and strongest.

I’ll get back to knowing how to do somethings, atleast I am hopeful I will, but gotta figure out what to do about the sad. Maybe I’ll find a channel for it. A wall to stick it on, so that it stays with me – all feelings are valid, even when they are sad – but doesn’t stick inside.

Fire in the sky

It was a beautiful morning, a sunrise, that was so fiery it gave me pause and caused me to go flick a picture. The picture doesn’t do it justice other than to remind me of how powerful the sun looked in that moment, sharing here as a reminder.

Sunrise Feb 2020

Life has been good, I think I just needed to get past the first month of the year, sorta like the rough start of a car that has been sitting so long. We are on a journey. Its an adventure, Time for some amazing and good things.

C comes to visit this week, and I’m so excited. She is a great friend and sister – always glad to see her, and this is no exception, we will be having a blast, and enjoying some most desired sushi. Its a short visit, as all of her trips are, but it will be plenty of time to get in some R&R, some dominos, many laughs, and a plethora of hugs.

Had some pretty crazy but amazing dreams this week, that gave me a path towards some things I’ve been struggling with – a bit hard to explain but suffice to say, it reassured to me that I still have some things I’m an expert at enough to be of value to other people.

Couple of other odd thoughts occured to me this week. Being a nurse is always one of those occupations that came up on my profile tests, however it was one I always laughed at, due to my vehemoth abhorrence of blood and guts. It has been an interesting side note, that my experiences over the past 4 years have totally eliminated that – not only do I no longer have energy to hate or stress so much over them, I just have become extremely desensitized to them overall – much the way that massage school taught me to be more comfortable with my body in general. Not saying that I will be going to nursing school anytime soon – but I do have to say after my recent hospital trip – the idea of being able and certified to access my own port is highly appealing – still healing bruises on all my arm veins after three weeks – wouldn’t have these, if they had just accessed my port. The idea of being able to be self sufficient in this is – well I know this probably isn’t even a reality thing, cause probably there are reasons not to access your own port, but still it is somewhat of an appealing idea.

I’m not sure if my pervasive reason for needing to be alive will turn out to be something of a medical nature, a metaphysical nature, or more of a random data nature. But I do feel its out there, I just have to have my ship steer its way towards it. I’ve asked for a star to guide my ship, and I can feel the clouds will be lifting soon to guide me.

Its a kind thing that the universe has allowed me to have a few small blocks of time to game. Its always been a thing that allowed me to be laid back and relaxed, while engaging my mind. I can’t play for nearly the blocks I used to be able to, but even small blocks feel so comfortable, that they help my heart feel strong.

I am so blessed and thankful for all the caring individuals that have crossed my path, and have filled me with joy. Their inspiration and cheerful dispositions have helped sustain me as I climb the mountain thru my self and my own ambiguity that has kept me from having a straight and narrow towards my goals. Prayers help, positive thoughts help, and I am blessed to have so many kind souls sharing their hearts with me. There is not enough thanks in the world for me to express my gratitude. I will state again, this decade of gratitude is starting out quite magnificent. I have learned so much already in the brief time of this year, and I have no doubt there is so much more knowledge coming my way. Its nice to know that we only get what we are capable of handling.