Okay more lyrics time:
Song is: Save yourself by Stabbing Westward – Lyric that has always always been a go to for me is the chorus of this song:
“I can not save you
I can’t even save myself
So just save yourself”
Right now I am reminded that my job is not to save anyone else other than myself. I’m fighting. I’m working on finding solutions, some moments I fall off the track, it isn’t about the fall, its about the strength to get back up.
Right now many of my loved ones are facing their own falls, we are all looking for power from the inspiration of those that are doing it, going thru the motions. I know they are there, just like the fact that the sun and the weather tells me its nearly spring, and that the birds are busy doing bird things and there will be baby birds coming soon. The strength is there, its in the universe, I just have to harness it and keep it going.
Today I fell. I slipped up and had some amazingly delicious, horrible bad treat that is only available “for a limited time’ – I didn’t eat it for emotional reasons, I ate it because I wanted it. I wanted the taste. It was so so good, so so worth it. Until it was gone, and then abruptly I started feeling really physically bad. I know it was a bad choice, I know choosing to do it was bad. The physically feeling horrible, the sugar feeling horrible after so long not having a sugar binge like this, really felt super lousy, on top of just feeling my body suddenly wanting to crash, sleep and feed all that horrible toxic badness to the stuff I’m trying to shoo shoo out of my body. I went to nap, because I literally was struggling to keep my eyes open from the crash. I tried eating some celery to slow down the sugar, and it helped a tiny bit, but not enough. Sleep seemed like it.
As I lay down, to drift off, I recalled a recent passage in the book I’m reading right now… https://www.howtostarvecancer.com/ She mentions about the fact that if your going to eat one of the “bad for your cancer” things, you should work out soon/immediately after, so that your body tries to burn it or use it as fuel for your muscles. This came to my mind as i was trying to drift to sleep and I took this as my intuition trying to tell me “No, not nap, workout” – so I got up, put on my tennis shoes, and walked on the treadmill… I know this sounds a little odd, but when my intuition says something, I listen. I have to say, even though its only a short little walk I can do super slow right now – my short walk, fixed the feeling like crap. I feel instantly more alive, more alert, and maybe my body is helping me deal with my poor choices and helping me from inadvertently killing myself.
This book I reading, its interesting, so interesting that I picked up two copies for both of my favorite doctors, and “wrapped them up” – like book covers from the 80s 🙂 as the content is excessively controversial, and I don’t want to get these two doctors who I am keeping on my team, and on board with helping me kill this cancer, I don’t want to get them into hot water, but I do feel this is information they might find valuable. They may also be able to explain some of the sciency things that are just – well I’m struggling with them. Its a well written book, but even when my brain was its former glory I’m not sure I would have followed along, this lady has a science background, and I do not.
Spiderweb time, it has come to my attention that the reason that my dog is such a “mean dog” – aka “asshole” – is because I have somehow inadvertantly trained him to be my personal “ptsd” or “anxiety” dog. He reacts HEAVILY with barking and bad/more dominant behavior when I am stressing. I have tested, and tracked this…. its kinda uncanny. This is somewhat interesting to learn, as well as helpful but also down right annoying.
One of the struggles I’ve been having with reducing my stress, and anxiety, is that I don’t recognize when I am stressed or anxious. I mean once I get to “attack” phase its pretty easy, but recognizing the triggers pre that point are not something I have found a “aha” moment for…. my general take on these types of things has been “suck it up buttercup” and just power thru… which is apparently not “no stress or anxiety” its apparently “step one” … so somehow, having him start to be freaking out – which inadvertently makes me really feel bad, like makes my head hurt and makes me grouchy – somehow this has become my “step one.one” – which has allowed me to go back and go “wow that was a trigger?!?” — But most importantly, it has allowed me to instantly stop the escalation with the tools I have, and allowed me to calm down and prevent further escalation. I’m sure this will be a good thing, once I figure out how useful a tool it actually is – but more importantly, having these “wow” moments has allowed me to “suck it up buttercup” in a different way and just take the anti anxiety meds I need right now when I can anticipate that a situation is GOING to cause a moment. (sorry Nancy)
Overall, this has created a more peaceful happier me. Go figure, go pup go.
Speaking of meds – got to finally stop taking the blood thinners! Yeah team, clots all gone. This was something that was minorly concerning to me, but mostly I’m just super glad to be done with those.
In other unexpected things, finally had follow up with Neurologist about the hospital thing – I have to say, I was not anticipating good things from this appointment, and perhaps it was my super super low expectations, or perhaps it was just that this doctor was — he came highly recommended by my oncologist – who its worth mentioning has made some Incredible doctor recommendations to me in general. I went in with a strong desire/hope for one course of action, and this doctor was able to explain to me a few gaps in my puzzle of events/realities that I had not concerned, but that made complete sense, and thru this discourse was completely able to rationally convince me by my own desire, that keeping things as they are presently was the best course of action. Its not very often that someone can completely change my plan of action – I think alot, I rationalize alot, before I present a plan I have considered all of the aspects/parameters that I can see and consider, weighted them heavily and chosen the one that gives me the greatest outcome to my personal nervana – which these days is “quality of life – while fighting to kill of the cancer” All in all, it was one of the best doctor visits I remember in a very long time. He listened, he heard, he countered in a way that was both logical, clear and concise, I agreed with his assessment, and while he was willing completely to be persuaded to my perspective, I agreed with the course of keeping things stable for now. I can say, while its surprising to me, I actually feel happier and more content with this decision than I did with my initial plan from entering.
I love that I can still be pleasantly surprised. I love that I still have so much to learn, so much to understand, so much more to achieve.
Still many more good days than less good days. Still feeling overall better and better. Have resolved to get back on the strong choices to 95% good things March 1st, this is going to include a much more return to vegan style for most of my eating, much to the sadness of my love with Dairy and red meat.
Overall, things seem to be going pretty well, I have upcoming great trips to look forward to, and while I’m still a little anxious from what the hospital bills will be, when they finally arrive – I am so so thankful for very good insurance.
Have had some incredible dreams lately with so many possibilities of things, most I can’t even remember, I just wake up feeling good. Coupled with these highs are the lows of watching and crying through Moana – I’m mourning the loss of old life things, but its not in a bad way, its just in my own way, of knowing I need to let them go, so there is space for the new better way of doing things I’m learning now, and crying through such an incredible Disney movie is one of the best ways/tools I have for releasing that sadness and giving it a happy home. So when the ocean picks that little child going for the shells, and I am balling my eyes out, its in sorrow, but its also in joy. The balance is real, and my heart is okay with that.
I have to say thank you to the universe for the weather we have had the past week too, while I know its miserable, and many folks have been pretty discontent – its kinda my favorite type, dark gloomy, overcast, chilly and rainy. Its much like the weather I love from Seattle. It has put a tiny spark in my heart of calm, for the fact that I am itching for a trip up NW, and I know I have another month and a half to wait to get there. Thanks Universe, for bringing me the glimpse! — Feel free to return to the normally scheduled Texas weather 🙂