Category Archives: Stream of Consciousness

The side effects of life

Ive found, that over my 48 years I have a side effect of putting other people before myself – that is NOT to say that I’ve had no times of being ultra selfish – more that the % of the norm — I’m saying over 75% of the time, my desires and needs have taken a back seat to the needs of the people I love around me.

This has been a self preservation technique I learned at a very young age as a peacemaker.

While I recognize that time of my life is over, its very hard to just turn off the faucet and flip the switch. I can “see” what I need to be doing, asking for, working on – but its not my “go to” — and its often somewhat uncomfortable for me. I mean on the one hand, its nice to have the discomfort be something other than physical – this or that or this is getting quite old – its not usually debilitating, but the physical discomfort is with me often – but its nice to have it be mental/psychological discomfort – however its encouraging alot of other bad patterns that are impacting the physical.

The medications I am taking on the regular have this wonderful side effect of causing suicidal/mass depression. I came to terms with these things a long time ago, and I recognize their tendrils. There are days where its alot harder to tell them to STFU. I’m doing. I’m surviving. working very very hard on thriving.

P and I are talking about taking a trip to south padre so I can get my “beach” urge satisfied — I’ve never been there so it will atleast be new if it isn’t what I’m seeking exactly – the challenge is that Starbuck needs to come with us – so finding a place that will meet my needs, and his is a challenge – and of course P gets to be the chauffer for this mad adventure so we will see how it goes. The planning part is seeming like a significant amount of work – and while I’m still early in my cycle of healing, my activation energy is low.

We took a drive this past weekend to Bastrop and it was … very good for me to get out of the house and zen.

Got to spend some time with my little sister – who is doing amazing things.

Life is good.

Heart Salutations of Snowflakes and dreams

I’m truly happy, at this moment in time, life place. It feels, appropriate to blog, in this state, so here we go.

Right now, I am sitting at a folding chair, on a folding table, with a “gaming” laptop, composing this blog. My feet, are pressed against the super shiny and slick cold tile – a Grey pattern that is a reflection of the sky, that lightly shines in through the half window shades I have opened. The windows, all six of them, have blackout shades, in a dark grey color. The outside, is frosted with a fresh dusting of white white winter snow. It came early in the morning, and left its frigid touch against the landscape, evergreen trees dusted with the uniqueness of individual snowflakes, leaving this so happy layer on the limbs.

Its soon for winter solstice, and the light here tells this story in a solemnity that is bitter sweet. What light there is, in these short days is bright and peaceful, tempered with bitter wind, and frost, but reflected against the snow laden ground.

There are mountains in the distance, here in Spokane, Washington, just outside of the limits of the area where I am staying, in this peaceful valley. They tell of a stronger winter presence, beckoning skiers to take their turn at the slopes, and to ride down the icy paths of adventure. They are not my destination this time, though I will admit a allure to those mountains, with the temptations of a lover wiggling a white dusted hand to call me forth. Perhaps in another life, or another time of more optimal health, I’ll taste the kiss of falling on my ass in fresh layers of puffy snow as I try my hand at skiing.

This trip is about exploring life, and what it means to be alive, and thrive. I am visiting a dear friend, who holds a piece of my heart. We went to see the cat rescue zoo here, Cat Tales It was an incredible experience to see the white tigers so close. They had an unusual mix of animals, and many photo opportunities. I couldn’t persuade S to adventure out, but his parents tagged along with me, we had quite an adventure. We went shopping for a few things after that visit. Overall, it was super enjoyable.

One of the things I enjoy about this place to visit, is that I get to dive in and explore my culinary genius. Or put in a better word, I get to explore what it might be like to be a culinary genius, if I had the skill, knowledge or training. Mostly, I just get to cook things, and enjoy exploring in a kitchen. I have found a few things that I super enjoyed cooking, from time, technique, ingredients, and overall pleasure in the eating. Its a little challenging to cook things you know in someone else’s kitchen. Its definitely a test in adaptability. Things will not always turn out how you expect. For example, I found out that the wax paper that they have is NOT oven safe, at all, can confirm. The oven here has decided to wage war on my cooking, as I learned after few struggles, that it tempts you with the correct temperature at initial pre-heat, but then creeps up to 50 degrees hotter within moments of that notification. Thats okay though, its all good fun to learn to master a new appliance. Although, my keto pizza could have turned out a little bit more crisp for the learning.

Something about the northwest of the united states calls to my heart. Every visit to this part of the country feels like coming home, at long last. Its like some weight gets lifted off my shoulders, my head, my heart. I feel alive, I feel happy. I don’t have to work to feel happy, it just happens. Like a breath, like its supposed to happen, very little effort, just happy. Thank you life.

I wish I could understand what precisely it is about this part of the world that does this to me, so I could package it up and take it back to Austin with me. I also seem to quite enjoy the cold and snow. While it has been super cold here, with a few days in the 17, I haven’t ever felt scary cold. It is possible that this is because of the fact that S has kept a roaring fire going for me down here, and that his parents have kept the heat nice and toasty, but even in the cooler upper guest room I’m in, where the floor and the air have been quite crisp, the warm electric blankets have been all I needed to stay cuddly and warm.

This will have been a two week adventure when I venture back towards the south east, and I am just wishing that these last days linger, long and draw out with so many precious moments, to carry me until the next time, I can make it back here.

Odd thoughts- that began with a P

November always takes me back. Tomorrow is the second, and this was the birthday of a writer friend, a lover of mine from years ago. Someone that filled me with so much passion, the flame burned out far too quickly as hot flames such as ours do. Never truly actualized.

Somehow, he took a special piece of my heart, and held it; I’m frequently reminded of him, on this, the day before the annual of his birth.

There were many cold and cruel things he said to me, in the brief period of months that I knew him.

Sometimes the bitter things are often the most valuable. We learn from the things that cut us so much this way, in the heart, pieces falling to the ground.

He would listen to my writing, my rambling. And he would say things like, “I would lock you up and condemn you to write out all your feelings, write them down and feel them brutally and soulfully”….

He was always a rather sadistic muse to me. Extolling his bitter loss of muse, and reading me long ballads, sonnets, and other passages of sordid love story, or magick, or intimacy viewed through his spectacle version of life.

I am much older now, and I recognize the intent of his words more so than I did at the time. Life has made me wiser, but not any less of a dreamer, a poet, an inspirational writer of life and love.

A lover, after all is perpetually a lover. With fierce passions, that inflame and burn those around them. I’d like to believe I’m wiser, but generally I just feel older.

Love still finds me in forbidden, and untenable places, and still shatters my heart often, leaving me with poetic inspiration. The lack there of being little more than artistic suicide.

It’s a nice day to remember you, wherever you are, whatever adventures you have found, my once and temporary muse of writing, life and love. It is my memory that you drank too much, you smoked too much, that you mused too much, and found pleasure in the discomfort of others. You did gift me with life lessons, that were invaluable, and I reflect upon them from time to time. I wish that you are still walking amongst the pulsing rhythms of this world, finding joy where it will you to, and harmony of your own discordant beat.

Fall Dayz

Inspiration hit me today, like a brick to my head. I feel alive, I feel inspired. I feel like a mexican jumping bean ready to bounce out of my clothes.

Now to hold onto this, and let my muse guide me. Muse in the oddest place, in the seriously oddest location. More on this some other time.

I’m in a good place, and my head feels happy.

Today was workout number three of this week, trying to get back to hour long workouts daily, but its a slow process.

It was identified through several sources to me over the past few weeks, that this healing I’m doing is a multiple year project. 3-5 years, of working on curing. Two parts to that, the working, and the curing. The curing comes naturally from the effort and work I’m putting in, but the working was something that I identified, and now it has a i/o to go along with it.

Aha, inspiration you are a tempting old soul. Always lingering so close to touch, but then dancing away like a fairy on a nectar buzz, but not this time. This time, I have you held close, bundled up in my mind of a crafty writers ploy that I already know will work, and I am just so so happy.

Time to sit back and roll around in this feeling. I understand now why clean dogs roll around in the mud, because it’s this feeling, this wonderful feeling of knowing something that all I have to do is enjoy it. Well, welcome to my mud. Thanks for sharing the roll.

Oct 13 2018

Super sleepy today. Sleep has been a little bit of a tempting mistress lately, without much of a finish. Waking tired to be becoming the new norm.

Picked up the car from the dealership today, which of course meant returning the loaner. Pretty happy to have my car back. While I would really like to have a new vehicle, a plug in hybrid that does not yet exist, I do enjoy the lack of a car payment, the desire for the one not exceeding the enjoyment of the other, coupled at this time with the lack of a car to suit my wants with needs. My car is no longer “sick”, now its time to work on the cosmetic things that need a bit of tweaking to make it more appealing of a raid.

Today was the concert for my niece, which I wasn’t able to attend. Wasn’t feeling great, and decided going out to a strange place with alot of other strange people in heat was probably not the smartest thing for me to do. This did mean however, that I missed seeing her get into the finales, and perform for that honor as well. Maybe another time the event will afford me the chance to attend.

I made the fat bombs today that Phil has typically been making for me. They are a nice thing to have around, and I’ve been out for a couple weeks now, so its quite nice to be stocked up on them again, and to have had the experience of actually making them myself. I feel I can definitely replicate these now on my own with out guidance or supervision. Tomorrow we will make the fat head dough which we use for the keto pizzas. Its all very exciting.

I have been watching the big bang theory, working my way through the show from the beginning. Its a show that has been on my long term radar for a long while, but the spark of interest suddenly blossomed into a flower of intrigue enough to get me motivated to watch it. Its pretty entertaining, and I find myself laughing alot watching these episodes. Still working my way through elementary also – LL just always makes me smile.

Have been seeking some source of physical inspiration lately. Some eye candy I can watch work out inspiring me to want to work out also. Someone that has a down to earth no nonsense approach that is refreshing, and yet uncomplicated enough for me to feel strong enough to follow through on the idea. Still seeking.

Oct 12 2018

Today started pretty late for me, but that was due to a long night of conquering the universe. Sometimes, its just really great to get out of my head and into the head of something else, and just relax. It was pretty fun, and lasted probably later than it should have been I kept “just one more just one more” and suddenly it was 6:30.

Six hours of sleep seems to be my “go to” amount – I don’t know if this is healthy, sometimes my body wants to sleep more, but usually that’s on days when I have obligations that require that I not. Its an interesting thing for me to contemplate, that on days when I could sleep as late as I desire, often times, I find myself invigorated and thriving to start the day.

Today started with some water, and coffee, like most do. A little breathing and introspection, then distraction and a start to cleaning up things around the house.

Its a good day so far, I remembered a few of the things that I needed to get done, and have actually accomplished them. Small victories seem to brighten my head quite a bit.

Now if I could only manage to put some time into some of the larger victories. I feel they would provide more bang for the buck.

Pretty excited about tomorrow, here is hoping it goes as planned.
Although to be honest, even if plans fail its still one of those things where the effort will be partially its own reward.

Its been a week of ups and downs, trying to focus more on the ups and allow the downs to take care of themselves. They seem to be able to do this most of the time, and I don’t need to own them when they are not my own. Its rather freeing to realize that I don’t need to worry about other peoples things, only my things, and even then, I don’t really need to worry.

Its becoming easier and easier to just let things go, and let things be.

Oct 11 2018

New day, new format, new thoughts.

Today its clear, after so many days of rain in a row. I’m not sure if I prefer the rain or the clear, but I very much enjoy the change from the one to the other. Its also significantly cooler today, fall having fallen, this I love. I love the cooler weather, when the windows can be opened, and fresh air pours through the house with the sound of the windchimes, the birds, and just the general breeze fluttering about in the air.

I really enjoy most everything about fall. Its cornucopia of holidays, all about getting together with loves ones, and sharing goodwill. The falling of the foliage, bringing its brightness of red shaded colors. Cool nights, for cuddling, and wrapping up in a package of warmth. Delectable dishes out of pumpkin and the smelling of cinnamon and cloves wafting through the air.

As a part of my healing therapy, I’ve decided to try incorporating some daily writing into my routine. It can be a place for me to be comfortable and speak the thoughts that are rattling around in my brain.

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, but I do know that my new mantra is an old one that has been resonate throughout my life – Carpe Diem.

Today the car is at the dealership to get repaired, and the thought crossed my mind, as I drove home in the lexus loaner car, that maybe after 12 years, its time for a new car. I know this idea or concept will be very much lost on P, but it is a thought that crossed my mind, and I regarded it with careful consideration. It seems to stem more from a restlessness inside my head, a desire to “make something new” to allow me to feel like conditions are changing.

Along this same thought was another of its ilk, of the fact that perhaps its time for me to “put down my foot” and demand that alaskan cruise that we have been talking about for more than ten years. Glancing at ever so often, and fantasizing and pondering about here and there over time. But I realized, in the course of this thought popping up on the cusp of the other, that this is just another attempt of my mind to provide a diversion from dealing with the conditions that are at hand.

While its not at all that the idea of the trip to Alaska is repugnant, far from it. It is however, not something “I” actually want to do right now. Realizing that this is the case, that my mind gravitates towards things to escape, that aren’t’ even things I want to do, that afford me a target to be disappointed at, and allow me the luxury of a self pity party when they are rejected, is a humbling piece of knowledge.

There is many an opportunity for growth and development in these words, and I think thats enough introspection for today. Off to other adventures.

Vibrance of the Mind

Made roasted Kale chips today, they are too salty, but they are pretty tasty, and for Keto, they fit the bill as well as offer a replacement for that desire of greasy crunch of salty goodness.

Learning to find pleasure in the things that now sustain me, is an interesting thing.

Not focusing on where I am, or what I need to do, but finding simple joy in the small things. Like super salty Kale chips, warm and crispy, tasty and delicious.

Did a yoga session today, felt good to stretch, and made me aware of some things, again. Clarity of thought within my body is becoming a more comfortable thing.

Cleared out a space today, in my plan to clear out things, I’m focusing on one small area every time it strikes me, and I figure eventually I will have everything done. Or I won’t, but its the effort, the work I’m finding satisfaction within.

More medical things today, more household things today, more gaming things today, more conversations about this and that with this person or that person, and I’m somewhat left with this disillusionment.

While I recognize what I’m working on is not an overnight endeavor, it also doesn’t feel like there is a precise and calculated logical path of progression, and I’m finding myself periodically in periods of random floating flow. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it does tend to make my anxiety level higher, having grown in my life accustomed to someone else setting the drum and the tempo of things, having control over things myself is liberating and also nerve racking.

Still need resolution for the anxiety things, while I know the things that work, logistically they are not the ideal course currently, for reason x or reason y. I need the universe to clear out some of the obstacles in this, and give me a more support in allowing the easiest solutions to be the best solutions.

The path to ultimate powerful spiritual fulfillment and the rock in the shoe.

So the title of this post makes me smile. I’ve come, more and more to realize as I grow, as I learn, as i evolve, that the rock in the shoe – the small annoyance that keeps blistering my feet; this IS the path to ultimate powerful spiritual fulfillment. Somehow its the ability to recognize that the rock is there, and what its providing, and to be happy and satisfied in that moment. To breath, and let it go, and in doing so, to realize that it slowed one down, and made one more accurately aware of all the other blissful things that were surrounding in that moment.

There have been multiple examples for me this week of some tools I have been given, provided that I am trying to use incorrectly. The most profound one for me is my mouth, my voice. Have always had a very strong internal voice, and the ability to call forth for the things that I need and the things that I want, but somewhere along this life, I was taught that if there was an expectation of someone providing it it was good to actually actively physically vocalize that need, that want. The lessons I’m being taught now; the lessons I’m struggling with, is the knowledge that while this tool of vocalizing is effective, it is also redundant, and many times elicits much more of a struggle than there need be in obtaining the things that I need.

This time in history, this day and age, people are for the most part open. The energy is flowing at a rapid rate, and things are provided according to needs, and desires. Vocalizing these needs and desires, not only creates the potential for struggle, it also creates the potential for misinterpretation, and conflict. While its appropriate some of the times, for the most part for me right now, the things I need, the things I most want in life; its counter productive. It is pushing those very things further away.

Finally set some goals for myself for the next period of time, and I’m happily on the path towards them. They require tolerance, patience, confidence, and creativity – all skills I possess in great abundance. In awakening to the awareness above, it has been as if a burden has been lifted off my shoulders, I feel lighter. I feel happier. This does not mean or maintain that every desire of my heart will be granted to me, nor does it mean that all of my needs will spontaneously be met, but it does mean that I can relinquish the need to maintain control over these things, and in doing so, find enjoyment and contentment in the experience.

Techniques that I find for me work. Breathing. Its such a basic thing, such a fundamental thing, such a critical thing, and such an overlooked and wildly wickedly amazingly inspiring powerful tool. Its amazing how many disappointments, hurts, losses, fears, anxieties, struggles, conflicts, heartbreaks… just an extra breath, and then another, and then another, deep and profound breaths, pressing life force in and out of the lungs, feeling the lungs expand and contract, feeling the blood flow through empowered by the breath. Its amazing how comforting, and empowering that breath can be — While Love/compassion can overcome all trials, breath can overcome all emotions.

Its important for me to type things things out, to remind myself to use these techniques. The same as I’ve found myself teaching a few strategies, techniques, and simple information to a number of souls. Each time that I share some small insight, I have found that new layers of that insight swell and take root in my spirit, allowing me to even more deeper apply the lessons to my own life. This is not a path to enlightenment I would have imagined, but this is the path that I’m on, and I am blessed, and humbled and open to receiving further direction.

There have been many times in life when I have asked the universe to provide a teacher, some cosmic person with all of the answers to all of my questions, to direct and to guide me down this path. What I’ve come to realize is that all of the people that I have brought into my life at one time or another, they have been those teachers. My internal spirit is strong, it knows where the path lies, and it has guided me along this road through a weaving web of experience. This is not to claim perfection, more finally to claim understanding of the fact that I do not, in this lifetime require someone else as a leader to my self directed learning. The more I try and put people into this role, the more I will continue to find them to be human and lacking, verses gleaning the wisdom to which they have been led to provide. The time of my self reflection of all things past is rapidly coming to an end. it is too hard to stay centered in the present, by dwelling on the beauty and dregs of the past. Likewise, it is also too difficult to stay centered on the present, when one is tapping and delving into the promise or the potential of the future. The present moment is all I have, and I will be working harder to cherish it, to thrive in it, and to seek the beauty, love and wisdom in the moments.

Have always liked the expression that life is an hourglass with grains of sand that fall, its been a beautiful analogy for me for a long time, something visual for my mind to lock onto to try and realize the symbolism the import of that one moment of passing from the future to the past, that one instant in the center when time stands still and there is just being. There is also somewhat a flaw in this analogy, because in the awareness of the future leading to that moment, and in the awareness of the past of having been in that moment, there is a loss of the actual experience of being in that moment. That moment is all that matters, the rest, is inconsequential and is a distraction designed to do exactly what it is most effective at doing, keeping one from maintaining that state of blissful center in the moment.

Went to the movies yesterday with D; she went with me, because it was something I wanted to do with her. Specifically. When I arrived to pick her up, it became aware that things were not as they should be, so I lent her some of my Reiki to help bring her a little bit more harmony a little bit more balance. I was actually able to quiet my curiosity, my mind from bombarding her with questions trying to get to the bottom of the reason – to explain the why things were not right; as I was told quite acutely by my internal guides, that this was precisely the wrong thing to do in that moment – or any other for that matter. It was both this piece of information that brought me to awareness of the fact that I often; through simple curiosity – a trait I’ve often found to be one of my most favored, one of my strongest skills; pulled other people out of that place in the moment through over utilization of this curiosity. It was a humbling moment, and rather than dwell on the past experiences, I chose to nod at the knowledge, and to internalize it for application in future moments when it would be needed.

D seemed a little better, and the movie was fun.

Sometimes the books that come to me, are not meant for the moment when the book comes, but to be buried treasure for some point down the line, and my job is just to not struggle, and to embrace the book when it arrives, and gracefully wait until the time to read it. This is the case with the book I’m very much enjoying now. Its one I have struggled trying to read since it was first published, its been out more than 10 years now. Many times, I have picked up this book and put it down, and many times I have forgotten it completely. This time however, in the moments when I am finding great pleasure in enjoying it, its like it was written by me in this moment in time, at precisely the words my heart needs to speak. One of the quotes that most struck me today is the following “You have no idea how strong my love is!!!!!” — in the passage, the author is having a breakthrough moment passing out of the ego in meditation by taking the helm with that expression. While its not one I have personally utilized, it resonates so strongly with me today, for this moment in time.

Its funny to me that the most comforting things to me in all of life are so small and so seemingly innocuous – just like that small pebble in the shoe.

Passions, Obsessions, Boundaries, Balance

Where is that fine line between something to be passionate about, and crossing over to obsession?
How do I see the obsession and set the boundaries to keep my self from being caught in the tidal wave?
What boundaries do I build to keep balance?
Who decides if the balance is enough, if the passion is enough?

Having always had a tendency towards OCD; I don’t like doctors, think I’ve mentioned this a few times before. I like self analysis, and I know I have OCD tendencies. I have some tactics that work in somethings to just tell those negative voices to be silent. To just tell those spider web thoughts to calm down, to breath and to just trust to just believe. Sometimes these are effective, sometimes they are less effective.

I am a passionate person; its easy for me to say this being a Cardinal Fire Sign (Ares) – its not that I take astrology as gospel more that its a nice outline of a road map to what a person can have for tools, what will come naturally and harmoniously to the person. Cardinal Fire sign means I burn brightly, I burn hard and fast, I put all of myself into things, and when they are gone, when the ashes fall to the ground and dust, I’m alive and reborn and I reform like the phoenix and start over again. Fiery in the sky of light.

Tend to believe I am a good person. Good being a very very subjective word. I strive to harm little or none in my traipsing through gardens of life. Sometimes I’m more or less successful. Sometimes I blatantly violate someone unintentionally and spend hours, days, weeks, years analyzing how I could have missed that particular path, how I could have avoided it – this is where the OCD kicks in, and I have to silence those voices; remind myself I am human. Perfectly imperfect in every way, striving towards harmony and improvement, take the information out of the experience and allow the experience to fade. Sometimes this works very effectively, and I walk away feeling empowered, feeling at one and calm with the universe. Sometimes it does not.

Have noticed some patterns for when it does not work effectively. When I have fear. When I am afraid of losing something, precious, something quintessential or something valuable. it is much harder to silence those internal rants that make up the direction my passions take when they are not focused for good …. inject some quote here about with “ultimate power comes ultimate responsibility” — the ability to be so passionate, to throw all of myself into things does not necessarily mean that all of the things I through myself into with all of my being are “good”.

Temperance is a skill I’ve been trying to cultivate over recent years, and this blog is an attempt to allow myself to grow more temperance. I have something right now, that I am – for lack of another word – breaking. Due to the inability to find some way to silence the voices that are afraid of losing something. The irony is that pretty much the only way I will LOSE this particular thing is by not finding this temperance. Not finding this balance. I just feel lost.

I have been trying to write these things out, to write down these feelings to make decisions to stick by the decisions for how to handle this – and they are not working. I am not standing behind my suggestions, because I do not trust that they are the correct course of action. My internal voices are at war, they are fighting. So many voices all struggling for dominance.

Part of this is due to falling off the wagon with exercise, with meditation, with writing – all of these things help, allowing my true self to maintain dominance. Right now, the voices of self loathing, self worth, self esteem, courage, strength, pettiness, insecurity, these are all fighting internal battles, and there is no captain, no commander at the helm to raise a hand and silence the winds. The waters are burning, the boat is adrift. That dominant voice, is curled up in a little ball in the corner, sobbing.

See I realized something two weeks ago, I had a “come to Jesus” type of conversation, one of those internal conversations where you realize something of such great insurmountable importance that you can’t deny it. And the particular epiphany was profound for me on many levels. It was sad. So there is a large part of me that does not want to silence the wars, that does not want them to be quiet. I just want the whole place to burn down, and be done, so that I can be reborn and be the phoenix again.

The epiphany was that I had broken a rule. I had gone from loving to being in love with – the action portion of the verb – atleast this was the first part – and I know this seems silly, I look back over months, and I think, how could I have not noticed, known this was the case, my brain didn’t know. Worse, what I realized is not only did I break the rule, I had built a delusion around this in love with …. I had a whole fantasy within my mind of how things were, what things were, and where they were going. The epiphany was this being shattered. I was suddenly aware of my feelings, my actions, my false reality, the hypocrisy of it.

Of course, when you recognize you are on the wrong path, its very easy to sit down, write things out, and convince yourself that you need to move past this, you need to be the better person, make changes, step to the side, turn the other cheek so to speak – suffer in silence. I tried this, I wrote out my struggle, my feelings, and it helped for a heartbeat. A breath.

Then the self loathing, the not good enough laid waste to my plans, and then the self esteem, the self worth stepped in and the war started. Every moment, every breath every thought every action since then has been this torment of one side or the other. Maybe try this, Maybe try that – maybe this will make you feel better again, maybe this will fix things again.

I wrote out three other diatribes, to try and cleanse myself, to try and burn it out of my system. And the war actually over swelled even into the writing. Into the essence of that pure part of me. I felt it overcome me, and I retreated. There is this quiet place in the back of my mind. Its the place I go when I am in a very bad place.

I’m going to write this out now, it is not something I tend to share, I am hoping to reclaim myself by sharing this intimate part of me.

There is this overgrown stone pillar arch, it has vines growing up the sides, there is a single bench stone – so stained with mossy growth so as to be more green and lush than anything else. The sun shines in this place, lightly through a loft of trees that canopy the open ceiling. In cold of winter, which sometimes it is in this place, depending upon what I need at the moment I am here. In cold of winter, when the trees have no leaves, the sky the stars shine through here, and there is moonlight reflecting on a bird bath in one side of this gazebo of stone. It typically does not have water, except in the spring, sometimes in early summer, sometimes in fall, where the rains have filled it with water, sometimes the water is green – thriving with life, wild and random life.

There is a raised bowl like shape that sometimes has a fire burning in it, I don’t know exactly how it works, I just know it has fire sometimes, its a metal type bowl shape, and the fire sometimes has coals sometimes incense. Sometimes its just dark, or filled with ash. The wind nearly always rustles in the branches, the trees, sometimes blowing the fountain if its on, sometimes flickering the fire, always kissing the tree limbs. Sometimes there are birds here, sometimes there are not.

This is the place, where I go, typically in a white gown like robe, almost like a sheet, that drapes over both of my shoulders, it has gold trim on both sides left and right, and a single gold sash with tassels that hang loosely at my waist. Its long, down to my feet, and I’m always barefooted here, feeling the cool stone, laiden with moss, and dirty under my feet. The stone is always cool to the touch, even when the beams of sunlight shine in this place. Sometimes the gown is black, and the trim is a red color, it has been twice that I know of, when I came here needing some type of vengeance.

Most times, the gown is white, and I come here, seeking solace, seeking peace, and seeking council. Most of the time, I sit and I breath, and the wind kisses my cheeks, my shoulders, my neck and whispers to me calming thoughts, reminding me I am loved. The fountain sometimes bubbles and babbles with words of love and adoration – words of gratitude and inspiration.

The fire, crackles sometimes, warming, burning away all my anxiety, my self doubts, any feelings of negativity, purifying my spirit, and setting me back to a place of contentment with the knowledge of rebirth and rejuvenation. The earth is all around me, calming comforting, the trees bending in the canopy, with leaves falling softly to remind me that all of life is precious, my life is precious and that I am a child of the universe. Litanies of self value and self worth cascade over my spirit, filling me with love, filling me from the bottom of my feet, up my body, in through my heart, over my chest, in through my throat, my mouth cleaned and purified, my head and eyes and all of my senses, completely overwhelmed by the purity that exists in this place. The comfort, the harmony the balance. There is no war. There is no strife. They do not exist in this place. I am whole, I am beautiful, I am one with the world, and I am strong. There is no doubt. There is no lack, no hole to fill, I have everything I need, there is nothing for me to lose, because I have everything I have ever wanted, every needed, and it is all precious, I have nothing to fear, there is no loss.

All of the experiences, are just that experiences, they are precious both the happy the sad the painful, and in this place, I can see them as just that lessons and experiences. Purity in being, in soul. My soul is strong, and I have no need of anything else. My body is just a shell to hold my soul and allow me to have experiences. It will pass away, as will all things of the flesh, I should enjoy them or leave them as the whim strikes me, and know that staying true to this part of myself this purity is all I need to remember. There is no one that can hurt me, because I am beyond hurt. Hurt is an emotion, and I am pure spirit. I do not hurt, I can chose to feel pain, I can chose to feel remorse, worry, sadness, self doubt, pride, envy, or I can chose to shift all of those to happiness, confidence, trust, belief, the choice is completely up to me, in the end they are all just shards, and they will fade away. Only the true self, the spirit of purity, the energy will remain.

This peaceful place is always here, I just need to climb out from under the table, from out of the small floor in the bathroom and remember to go to this place, to be in this place. To remember the war is not real, its just another fantasy my mind has constructed to confuse me and make me forget the truth.