Humbling things

Today was day one of rescan things – that is to say every 3 month multiple scans to let doctors see “whats going on” – specifically this one will say if the “shitty” protocol – yeah irony here – is “working” on brain mets. We will know on Thursday!

So doing this MRI scan is always one … I wish I didn’t have to the most. The techs are good, and I’ve done enough so I know what to expect but there is no part of the experience that is “pleasant” – its icky. More icky than others, but it has been show to have value so we buck it up soldier!

Today, I had scheduled this super early – as it has “food and beverage” requirements – not as harsh as Petscan – but basically they want you to have little to no issues laying horizontal for this test on the flat hard metal slab. So nothing to make you puke lol – or cause conflict with the metal chemicals they will inject for the “contrast” to make prettier pictures.

Then the tube for the MRI – the particular place I schedule which has a “new machine” takes prettier pictures – they are “better” according to my doctors – but they are also slightly more pleasant cause designers fixed the camera but also slightly improved the entire by making the tube “a tiny bit bigger” – so I still have to squash but its not like fitting 10 gallons into a 5 gallons its more like fitting 8 gallons into a 10 gallon. They have also improved the “music” to allow them to provide me with “something” — to help count/cover the ridiculously loud scan – which is metal resonance. – its loud and its proud and man its scary loud, but the music helps.

Music also helps because your flat, uncomfortable squished into this metal tube coverd and secured – and they don’t want you to move for X amount of time – they tell you how much but …. I don’t know about you but gaging “x amount of time” is something I can do but is deviated alot by meds, and discomfort. So the music helps because it gives you a “guess” how long its really been – ie – x number of songs long – and the “scan” is 2 sets one before and one after contrast.

Its 3-4 songs long for each. So you breath, relax and listen to your music while the machine just bumps and grinds with you there. Staying still makes the process faster and it doesn’t have to repeat. Staying calm makes better pictures. Overall unpleasant but not the end of the world.

In order to “give you contrast” it means they have to “access” — IE stick you. In order to have you set up with an IV for the tech – in my case this is not something out of the norm unfortunately – but I have a port which “should” make it seamless – however my port has had so so much access and so so many chemicals it likes to be a problem child. My veins are so so — well chemicals and meds make them not so great anymore – thank gosh I had incredible veins before cancer – but now I bruise super easy – so the tech “wants” to use my stubborn port. This means longer but less for me to do lol – instead of a quickie 2 minute poke and move to next – now it takes 10-15 or them to “get me hooked up”

While I am sitting here, uncomfortable but preped and resolved to this – I’m noticing that all of these people – you can feel the energy – all of them have their own nonsense going on – just like bluntly everyone alive these days especially. They need me here.

While we are waiting for the next phase there is a woman seated – socially distanced and masked – across from me by about 15 feeet who is … older, found out she was born in 39. She is scared — very scared and her fear is palpable. We start talking – because I’m a chatty person – and she tells me she was just diagnosed with Breast Cancer – and I help her, I fill her in quicky with 10 second version of where I am and why I’m here and she calms down. I’m an inspiration. I tell her these things, I tell her she is strong, she is just jumping through hoops. WE talk about how scary this time is, she isn’t afraid anymore. If I — the spring chicken who has been the little growly pup – if I can do this, she has strength.

The tech that is helping me, he has some struggles with family. They are resting energy wise on his sleeve, he is trying to check on them, but focus on his job. He is doing incredible, but its very hard. He comes back to start over with me, and I bring him into the lady and I talking and I fill him in on where I am, and he too relaxes. I tell him I dont’ know what is struggles are but they are real and valid and just as challenging for him. I remind him this time is hard for everyone, and his courage to be here to help so so many is incredible. I tell him he has this, I talk about the balance, and recognizing that when life puts those struggles in front of you.

Remember the energy scales balance. So when you deal with those struggles, and you have the strength and the tools, and the people around you to help you – remember its life setting you up for incredible joy, bliss, and success. So be thankful for the struggle, be thankful for your resourcefulness and most of all look forward to the incredible heading to you to balance those.

Be grateful for the small things that you have help to take care of — like the full bag of expresso beans I spilled all over my living room and kitchen yesterday while trying to grind them. I had an incredible husband to come and help me clean up. — I tell all these things to this incredible guy here and he listens and he laughs with me, and I made his day brighter.

I made the day brighter of all the peeps in reception – I did a happy dance when I arrived 10 minutes early for all of them. I made all the techs in the back happy because I could. I shared my spirit with them today. Because while I have ONE job to cure cancer. The people around me are my second job – elevating energy is needed for all of us, and me swirling around and helping more wonderful peeps – peeps that got up and did things to help people today. Other peeps that got up for their “test” to help resolve things — they need all of us. They needed ME today.

I am glad its over, but I’m also glad I got to experience it.

Life is good. More tests tomorrow.

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