The skills that we learn

There are alot of thoughts running thru my head right now.

Had some really good conversations lately with P & then R about mad skilz.

Had a revelation about the fact that “cells listen”

This has been a challenging year – and in my opinion one of the greatest things is that people are realizing that emotional and mental health are just as important as physical health. So many people do not have tools for dealing with time alone with themselves.

This seems like such a no brainer thing for me – but then its probably why I was so so resistant to going to a therapist for so long – sure I have very well developed skills for self analysis and self actualization – why do I need to pay someone else to do this… and how can they possible be half as good as me at doing me.

Going to therapy for these past two years – I have learned the value of having someone else with no agenda to listen and suggest. I have learned the value of another opinion, that I trust but that can only see the perspective from an outside observer. I’ve also learned the value of a PHd thru my therapist – not all folks of any career are “great” just because they got a degree doesn’t mean they gained the learning that went along with it – it just means they preserved, and as well know a 70 got the same degree as a 90.

There is a skill set for “being able to deal with yourself” — that just isn’t one you get without working on it. There have been alot of times I’ve spent working on this skill. Even before the dreaded C – I’ve learned, I’ve evolved, and hopefully I’ve become a better stronger person.

The revelation was about – well I’ve read and heard alot of folks talk in the past year about how our cells are “smart” — heck the new virus’s even take our cells to “school” much the same way that the immunotherapies have for a few years – teaching the cells “what to look for, how to recognize, and what to do about it” …. Our smart cells, like us. They like and believe what we think – but more importantly especially what we say. They like and believe our voice.

I was realizing as I was verbalizing the fact that its time for me to have clear scans. I could feel my cells light up in relief and happiness. I know, that I’m still working on the Big C – so it might not be the beautiful scan right now. But I believe, it is possible, its time and I can have clear scans.

So the revelation was – wow I need to speak this more often – because my cells are listening and I want them to light up in joy more.

It has been a really good day of getting to see my new baby niece, hanging with my brother, of getting acupuncture to support my healing.

I am very grateful for the people in my life that just send me random sunshine and fill up my vessel with joy and hope.

Life is good.

I feel good you know that I would now

This song is playing in my head right now – I ran across a really good vlog by some of my favorite vloggers (video blog)

Its such a great thing to show some of the rabbit trails or bread crumbs that lead from stellar old style record recorded music, to new style music – the brain is an incredible thing and inspiration comes from so many places.

I do find it pretty interesting that the ones he references are sorta an odd thing – because if the “rewritten” songs were of white men, they would have been credited differently – insipid/hidden racism in another hidden place.

Music has always been this zen of a thing that can bring my body and cells into harmony in a magical way – I think this is much due to my childhood of music doing this to me at such a young age – while everything else was chaotic and in flux, the music was the constant.

Many times when I try to convey a thought or idea, a song will come to mind that basically represents the feelings that are attached with the thought or idea – not necessarily exact, but usually close enough for government work.

Thats an interesting expression too because it rather implies a truth that is societally known that “government work” isn’t always the best possible example of what can be — and this is kinda a well case in point for the fact that maybe we need a different one.

P told me about the senate hearings and I was … well its a good time to remind people that this is the beginning phases still of a pandemic – meaning a global emergency of health….. thoughts or feelings of personal freedom should be a bit more hobbled in the midst of protecting humanity as a whole…. Particularly when the actions are just a little bit aggressive personal protection. Wash hands more, social distance more, wear mask more…. sorta easy no brainer things…. Things “could” get worse, where we had to go thru biohazard tents on the regular or where we had to “consume things” to protect us on the regular…. These are the happy go lucky “easy” things….. Think does it really hurt me? If the answer is no, probably should just do it and STFU — its like seat belts – sure it was a damn sight of a infringement on “personal freedom” — but personal protection was “mandated” — wear your belt or else!

Its like the old adage that you can’t teach stupid – you can teach ignorance, if its willing and wanting to learn – but you can’t teach stupid. Sad to me that so many of the people elected to “represent us” are stupid. I’m sorry but not listening to the sound advice of a scientist that is actively studying a disease is … well stupid. Its like saying “come tell me what to do” … and then saying “no I don’t want to do what you say” …

Crazy times we live in. But then 🙂 we are alive to appreciate them.

Got a gift/present yesterday of a super cool backpack that was donated to the patients at center I go for treatments – it was so thoughtfully put together and has some really neat items to help you “feel better” while your doing icky things. Thoughtful people to build these, and really fun things.

So many blessings all over my world – so thankful for the people in my life that have gotten and are getting the vaccines this week. So hopeful that the other precious people in my life will be vaccinated soon.

Thank you universe for filling me with hope, inspiration and above all happiness. I am grateful for each ray of sun I am able to experience, and for each bright thing that fills my days.

Life is good.

Hope springs eternal

This is a day of hope for me. I didn’t realize how much I was worried about a few things that suddenly just went right with the universe.

I feel empowered, haven’t felt that way in a bit – it helps that doc saw belly button and says “Oh it looks normal” …. Yeah team!!

Also curious call from infusion nurse asking me “does enhertu chemo cause hair loss?” … apparently I was only patient taking it, and now there is a second lady that starts this week – and I’m like …. “yeah, there are so many things in my case, however I’d be inclined to believe/think, that while it doesn’t cause “hair loss” it does cause hair thinning” — I mean I’ve been on this drug for over a year – and I still have hair – but its hard to say if the thinning is from the other medcines I’m taking or from this chemo.

Go figure, thin hair is the last of my concerns.

Had another friend that never cuts his hair mentioned he got his hair cut, and now he has perpetual bed head – we can be twins lol – I will say perpetual bed head is how I feel – its super thin but more concerning is its propensity towards being anima – I feel I’ll need to adopt an anima expression soon.

Funny thing happened while I was cooking P’s weekly jalapeno poppers. I have to be careful usually when I cut the jalapenos – which I did — however, this time one of the seeds some how ended up with alot of the oil up my nose – I’ve never had a seed up my nose, but when I blew out the nose from the oil being so so potent – there it was…. apparently I decided my lungs were a good place to grow jalapenos! — I’ll share my lungs with nightshade plants!

Well, as you can imagine it was a long time to get the oil/heat gone, I had a tear fest that lingered for hours.

On the plus side the bacon wrapped jalapeno poppers turned out no worse for wear – in fact they turned out super yummy – apparently Costco is the bacon place from now on.

Last night we were talking, and I offered to get P some peeps. They are hands down one of those “things” that he just loves. We were talking, and apparently the “chicks” are supposed to be ONLY yellow – and the bunnies ONLY pink…. all other peeps are suspect. Now here is hoping instacart knows the peep doctrine/rules.

The lady next door – I call her the crazy lady – maybe I’m just not comfortable with neighbors as a whole – cause I’ve never had ones I didn’t find ….. crazy, in one way or another – but she is cutting her lawn today, which its a little early in the season – but I was noticing we are growing “lettuce” of weeds right off our porch – I blame winter blizzard 2021 for this.

I’m thankful that the universe has gifted me with so so many blessings today – thank you thank you – I’m grateful for the people in my life that hung the moon and make life worth experiencing.

Got to see my nephew this weekend – he is growing so fast, his smile just brings sunshine to my life. It was an amazing visit.

I’m so glad life is allowing these things.

Life is good.

Rollin rollin rollin

No I’m not talking about the drug analogy – more the old west one if keep those wagons rollin – raw hide.

This day and age is just filled with so so so so many moments of brief chaos that force attention to something that really doesn’t matter but requires immediate attention. Luckily! I have been overwhelmingly blessed for all of these things to be super super small and innocuous – here is praying hard that while we must endure time in this chaos, that my struggles continue along this path . Thank you Universe!

Today was no exception – mom took me to appts for things, and we stopped to pick up lunch for P from his favorite burger joint – as I was carrying the bag back to the car and had the car door open – the bag split and the entire contents spilled all over the floor and seat.

Thank you for incredible customer service!! I walked back into the establishment and showed them the sad sad empty bag with the split on the bottom; they immediately asked for the name on the order, reprinted the ticket and remade the order. WOW! So so easy. They took time to make his food, I took time to clean up mom’s car – and we met in the middle – new food was all ready by the time the car was cleaned.

Of all of the millions of crossed wires possible in the midst of this, I’ll gladly enjoy taking my lumps in this form and be overly thank ful for stellar customer service, and overly grateful that was almost easier for this whole process / resolution as I had expected just the order to be. …. Go figure for exceeding expectations.

This is just one in a myriad of so so many its not worth giving name to them – but Together we get to be human, we get to find joy amongst unexpected un planned things – and we get to see people working to help people’s lives be better one meal at a time. Provided thank you feedback to Five guys for incredible staff.

Got to spend time with Mom which is always a treat, we found and explored a new way to get to my appts, and the best part was we found it ourselves! This is sometimes a challenge but we had extra time to explore today, and it turned out to be a huge win.

Wins all around. Life is good.

Prioritize! Prioritize

This has always been something, I’ve not only been good at, its something I’ve often felt that I was well strong suited for – the ability to take a plethora of things, and min/max them to what is most, and shuffling down importance scale – but there is more to this…

There is not just prioritizing but defining by priority – or rather, pondering and labeling something by its nature of when it must be done, and then incorporating it into the big priority list.

Thank god this is a skill I intimately understand – because right now, it allows me to see where I am and where I am going and move either continue to move along that path, or to slightly alter my surroundings, or method to facilitate a different course.

Right now, however, I’m having a struggle. Weather conditions are so so unpredictable as to make it difficult for my head and sinus. Its also that time of the year when all the trees, pollens, and molds try to bless us with their annual goodness. This makes for alot of discomfort for my head and sinus’s — this coupled with the medicines I’m taking, and the side effects they produce — as well as the Big C itself, and the damage from other treatments, as well as the “just me” in the particular day —- It has put my multitasking/prioritizing skill to the test for a few months, and I’m just tired.

I’m not a pop pill person – I’m actually quite the antithesis of this, having had my experience with the dangers of pills in the 20s — and the damage its quite capable of doing even to a 20 year old liver. I have avoided- much to my detriment – many of the “things” they have suggested to allow me to “feel better” because I know they come with a cost.

However, this all being said – I’m to the point where I’m ready to just put something in my mouth to help my head feel better…. the work of trying to determine the cause of the discomfort, and figure out what helps more than hurts my body is very tiring. The discomfort is very tiring, the prioritizing and multitasking is very tiring.

I don’t enjoy the unknown of trying to figure out if its a “thing” or if its a “thing” …. I just want to function, and to be able to have a higher quality of life. — This discomfort is greatly impacting my quality of life.

There are new tests – the end of April that will show “whats what” … and maybe this will help. Maybe I’ll just pick up a habit lol – I am very routine oriented so maybe this is what my mind needs to calm down.

Was dreaming about trips last night, and thinking about the fact that my grandparents – mostly having talked to my grandmother – they didn’t take very many out of town in my meaningful childhood or adult life – all of their time was doing “escapes” within town – driving to little places to enjoy the marrow of life. I recognize this feeling -but there is still a part of me unresolved to the idea of not getting a plane again and not flying thousands of miles away to enjoy some mystic anomaly of a different world.

Maybe conditions will shift for the better soon, and this will be a thing.

We can hope.

Life is good.

the Man

This expression has so many meanings for me, as a woman – woah man….

Lately, or right now specifically its indicitive of the same thing I’ve been considering recently – tech does NOT really often save us time. Today, perfect example….. we had “brown outs” …. meaning surges – just enough of a power surge to “break” the internet. Not turn things off, just break the internet – must be time to replace the router right?

About the time it would come back up — oh its time for another flash…. We have battery back ups ? Why is this happening? How is this even possible – oh wait Tech to support the tech from the electrical pulse…. hrmmmm — Oh wait, we didn’t have the “cable modem router” on back up….

Well we fixed that –0- but wait there is more! Time for cable people to be “fixing” something in our neighborhood and take everything out.

Yeah okay so what part of the tech is making my life so much easier?

I know I’m making a hasty generalization from the perspective of angst – I’m willing to own this …. but its kinda like the conversation P and I had recently about these wonderful “appliances” ….

The dishwasher for example — if you have to prewash the dishes — and then wash them, as well as load and unload them …. and dry them…. where exactly do you save time? Where do you save money too, because these things take alot of water and power to run. If it can’t do its “one job” of cleaning my dishes – its time to go buddy. You had one job.

We have talked a bit lately about the generational difference between folks – since many of the people P is working with now are “the new generation” …. this isn’t a judgement as good or bad, just a observational statement of the obvious.

He was explaining how to test a thing, how to dig in and go backwards to find the problem – rather than identifying a problem and throwing it over the fence, hoping someone else will fix it.

There is no one else to do your job. You have a purpose on this planet, there is a reason you are here, to love life – and even in these monetary driven times there is a purpose your being paid for, doing it to the best of your abilities is soul feeding. We need things to feed the soul more, it gets hungry.

I made a new playlist – somehow digging into holes I haven’t visited in a bit, helps me realize I’m still at the top, and still strong enough to dig.

Life is good.

Ahhhh wheaties

So I’m starting with the breakfast of champions – not in the world, but with the adage – breakfast has always been a winner pure and simple for me, when dinner or lunch or snacks have let me down, breakfast has risen to the champion and many foods try to reign supreme.

Its like “iron stomach” vs “iron chef” – which taste will win today.

I guess since I’ve fallen for the “breakfast of champions” I have to give a kudos to the marketing people who created a life long winning strategy – if it didn’t sell breakfast cereal it did manage to wiggle a place into my brain and honestly likely my heart, because Breakfast IS a champion.

We are having a difficulty with the stores we shop at being all out of Organic dairy products – specifically half and half which I use for my coffee – the non organic has something quite unsettling and due to conditions right now, there aren’t alot of options without sugar that taste “good” non dairy – West Soy is one of the few, but then thats one of those battles of the hatfields vs the mccoys whether soy is “good for me or not” … .Plus honestly, I get tired of it.

I’m wondering — did the organic dairy cows suddenly suffer because of the pandemic? Or did their food become too scarce? Or maybe they didn’t receive government free money? Just a little curious about this, its been a scarcity for a bit, but now its just an empty cabinet at the store.

I suppose its me learning to temper my curiosity that has prevented me from jumping head first down this rabbit hole of research – have so many rabbit holes going right now, its starting to look like the front yard of Rabbit – when all the other animals ate up his farm. (go go winnie the pooh reference)

New oncologist is going to try and …. be crafty – and …. get me to do scans earlier, so that they become earlier and earlier…. she has a plan for this, I can giggle about it – because I like her, she is like me…. we will just nudge, nudge, nudge – eventually we will persist and our way will be the boss. Not so in this case, I have a plan that has stood the test of my time with this and its going to continue – The end of the month is when she can have her lb of flesh – I suppose thats a bit harsh, “new scans”

I’m feeling a bit more feisty today than usual – we will chalk it up to really looking forward to talking to my psychologist, there are a few things I need to toss around a few thousand ways with her listening to see if anything sticks – there are some things I’m just not able to see a perspective on that are nagging at me.

It also doesn’t help that its cycle time and eye time is back, not as bad as before, slightly different but still after the vimpat – good news have the neurologist Thursday.

So many days, so many doctors. Not complaining but its pretty amusing to me when I get so so excited about a “day off” — Wed this week is my “day off” …. its not really a day off, because I suppose in my current “working on xyz” thing a day off would be death – but thats too morbid to give thought to … so we will call it a vacation from all the hard work I’ve been putting in…. Here is hoping the next scans, when I finally get them scheduled and taken are showing even better result than the last.

Here is hoping that talking thru a few things helps me clear my thoughts enough to have a bit more peace about them.

Here is hoping I have an amazing day – since I started with an amazing breakfast 🙂

Life is good.

The first spark

New “things” – not just the material ones, but the ideas and the hopes, and the dreams – “things” in the ethereal sense meaning above and beyond as well as here and below. — I’m super glad to be able to have “new things”….. Today this manifest as an itching idea for breakfast.

We will see in a bit how it turns out – I sliced the onion and am cooking the bacon on top of it – might be just not feasible, but it could be amazing – we will see in another 20 minutes when it finishes.

These are the things that put a bounce into my getting out of bed. There is alot to be grateful for — So many people I adore in my life – but these new things – they are the spice. They kick my life up a notch – and I am so so thankful to be able to be inspired to get them.

Started back supplements today! Yeah team! – I have to stop them before and right after the chemo – its not so much that I “have to” so much as – probably a smarter/better choice. Yes, lets let the toxic chemicals do all their responsibility before we flush them out of our body forever. Seems legit.

Was presented, yesterday, with two opportunities to “not multitask” – and I failed. I “tried” … and was literally very unsuccessful, as well as making myself extremely exhausted to the point of naptime – and frustrated at my inability – these are poor choices. Its just challenging for me to remember that I need to be making smarter choices and just nip these rabbit holes of multitasking in the bud.

In hindsight, while I see pathways for the one, I’m still working on pathways for the other, so until I can see them to follow probably better to avoid them. It was one of those things that leading up to it I heard the “dum dum dum” music playing in my head and at the time I didn’t understand it – Hindsight is so thoughtful to place musical points in the score of life.

Speaking of music – had a very sad moment the other day – its still rattling around in my brain and I’m certain I’ve blogged already about it, so in the effort of not duplicating I’ll just put a pin in the fact that the 93 year old man that invented the cassette tape passed away. This is sad to me, because this was a revolution in something that now we take for granted almost – with the ability to have music portable — would the universe have moved us directly to digital if we had never invented cassettes? Its possible but I feel that the bread crumbs from this creative inspiration are what lead alot of other people to invent other things that pulled us thru this transition.

Babysteps are alot easier to take then giant leaps. When the right brothers were creating methods to fly – they weren’t trying to get to the moon or the stars, they were trying to see the landscape and move more quickly. Its a good thing their invention moved from one step to the next – It honestly feels like we skipped a few steps in this progression from personal transport to mass transport – and we are perhaps not as rich for passing by this path. Think of the jetsons and personal flying vehicles.

Its going to be a great day, even if the daylight savings time is still mucking with me for the lost hour – I guess it will be there to enjoy with my pumpkin pie in the fall.

Life is good.

The bookcase bites back

Sometimes things make me sad. I’m not able to do the things I used to do, something about the sweet taste from before not being available – there is some quote about being so concerned about the dregs of wine that you neglect to notice the vibrancy of the new glass.

This seems to be a trend with me – not really a great one, but a common one – one I’m trying to learn how to embrace. Not just the not being able to do things, but the fact that it must be okay for this to be the case. There are so many things I get to do, just not the ones from before.

Its hard – I guess its like a porn star that retires – suddenly not known for “their body” anymore – now what are they known for?

I’m working to find my nitch – and I’d ideally like it to be something happy and positive not the big C — I want to be known for the optimism, the joy, the fun.

There are alot of things, in my head mulling around – not the least of which is that Instacarts was ? out of ginger? I mean… I’ve seen the store be “out” of a lot of things, particularly in the past year – but Ginger? Really? So odd.

LIfe is challenging me to embrace things from different angles. Some days I’m better at it than others.

Today is one of those feel sorry for myself days, because when I can’t give myself a “cookie” of emotion, the part of me that is little somehow enjoys throwing a pity part.

I have alot of friends that are not playing nice together. I’m used to being the peacemaker – but this isn’t a skill I’m able to utilize right now, so it just makes me … very very sad. Its something I’ve done, but can’t do anymore.

So many things to ponder, and contemplate and learn from – today is the hit the books day in life.

Life is good.

How far would you walk?

Had this thought this morning, about the pretenders song “I would walk 500 miles” and I was wondering, for someone I love how far would I walk? I mean 500 miles is roughly 10 miles a week – or over a mile a day.

Really, its not that far – it just seems far when you put it into calculation as the whole – thats a year of daily walking. The song is about him walking to show his love.

I’ve been learning over the past few years to better love myself – so would I walk 500 miles for me? To prove to myself that I’m worth it?

I mean I did walk the neighborhood until last years episodes – and seeing so many of the people outside not covered or protected and not really feeling safe out there. So I guess walking 500 miles for me is pretty good.

Getting or working on getting that activation energy, and I will say that walking – while its kinda counter intuitive, because it makes me so so tired in the moment – DOES grant that activation energy – its like my body surrenders and then it gets rewarded. Its kinda a cool thing and feeling after all, when its reflected in hindsight – that doesn’t make me excited about doing it however.

I remember how important I knew intuitively it was, to start walking as soon as I possible could in the hospital – and out – how it was critical to get my body in motion and to push to the limits of what I could absolutely do reasonable – I mean I wasn’t trying to do marathons, just do a couple laps around buildings where we were, or push up around the block.

Babysteps, but steps.

I had P get me an apple watch to help me monitor my steps – and I honestly think I fell off track when the thing started bruising my wrist. I had a blood clot form in the left wrist area because of the watch. This was kinda … well I feel this kinda derailed me alot. The watch is also not good at tracking movement if your not super aggressive with your movement. Like if your arms aren’t aggressively swinging it doesn’t recognize a “walk” until about 20 minutes into it when it suddenly says “Oh your walking? Should we track this?” — for a less than robustly physical fit person, this is horrible demoralizing. I mean its like when the friend comes to ask about helping you but your already done, and the help would have been GREAT but you found ways of making it happen even without it.

I suppose thats a good analogy -maybe it shouldn’t be demoralizing, because the walk still got done, even if it didn’t get tracked. It just is, because this is not a friend, but a tool that isn’t working as intended.

P and I have had alot of talks recently about how tech is NOT what its supposed to be….. It often causes alot of frustration in “trying to make it work as intended” for all the carefree moments it provides “sometimes” — its like “fast food” …. not really being fast when you consider transport time to and from and the health implications of eating it. But I digress.

I had this thought of trying to buckle down and set a target for hitting with the scale between now and my birthday – but its super aggressive, and I’m not certain I’m up for the pains/struggles of working towards a super aggressive target so diligently – maybe we do baby steps on this one too. Any progress is forward. I mean I guess I go forward regardless of the progress.

Doc yesterday was so so good – I’m very glad to have added her to my team – she had some research insights that she added to the “pot” of my healing that were great. Its very reenergizing towards the healing when the doctor is just as excited to her/see/progress it as you are….. Don’t misinterpret – the other doctors that have been part of my team were not negative, more just not individually motivated to help me get the job done. …. there is a difference between stepping out of my way and allowing me to heal – and helping lifting me up when I’m struggling and reminding me of the direction of up…… Yes sometimes, down feels like up and its easy to get confused when your in the middle – life doesn’t have the best markers for N, S, E, W – every direction is the same – those are individual and placed there to show you the direction YOU want to go.

Had some sad things this week – some things able to be interpreted as Sad easily/societally – but I can embrace and recognize them for the circle of what they are – so while they are sad to embrace and hold, they are showing the good things that come from out of the mire of progression.

There will be chai today – and I’m super excited, because I finished up the last one just a couple days ago, and my body has been craving having some fresh – not to mention the house loves the smell. Yeah team!

I am so so thankful for all of the team that supports me, and ensures that I’m doing okay that I have what I need, and reminds me of so many of the blessings in my life.

Life is good.