Have started and deleted this blog a few times – so I’m going to do something uncharacteristic for a personal blog that I share with the world wide web – I’m going to preface this with the direct statement that my thoughts are in no way intended offensively or intended to be at all construed as intending anything more than peace of MY mind.
On this super ridiculously early morning, my mind in all of Alethia Insanity provided me with a “helper” analogue that has both made me laugh and put me into a better place with the Protocol I’m about to start.
When I was in High School I was “recruited” to join the military – my scores were ridiculously high on the pretests and they “wanted me” …. I was vehemently against this – not that I lack a super high level of regard and respect for all of my fellow humans that have chosen a different path. The thought of intentionally signing away my freedoms to fight for the right of someone else — well the parallel of what I have done my whole life was lost on me at the time, I it seemed not just a frightening thing to me, but a path not for me.
Fast forward to dealing with Cancer.
Having not joined the Military but having MANY MANY individuals in my life with whom I have conversed and expanded my experience with the sharing of theirs and the knowledge of their road traveled as members of the armed forces. I feel loosely qualified to make this comparision.
Being diagnosed with Cancer is not so dissimilar to the journey of a private.
Things you took for granted are now gone. Things you “assumed” have now changed. Life will never look remotely the same – ever again. Certain things will become part of your “new life” – Many of them wildly uncomfortable and dissatisfying and annoying – but they are life.
You will be rushed from one step to another along this path at the pace someone else dictates.
The more assertive and responsive you are the more quickly you will be “promoted” but there is alot of self guided knowledge required to do these steps.
Fast forward to today – I’m due for my next “protocol” which is in this parallel universe much like a “promotion” — I have learned the ropes over my time in this “army fighting cancer” — I have learned that so much relies on me but the higher ups keep sending me commands which seem counter intuitive.
I feel like this protocol will do as intended – remarkably strong things – but much like bombing a village with innocent women and children – there is likely to be alot of fall out. There are many beautiful important growing cells that are NOT cancer that will be damaged and killed within this process of “potentially” cutting the insurgence at the knees at the heart of their operation. I’ve had trouble resigning myself to it individually.
However utilizing this analogue has truly helped incredible, because while I am an extreme patient advocate – Greater Good is an important concept to keep in mind – and the fact that there is a Chain of Command – of which I’ve spent a great deal of time developing and cultivating with the best of the best to ensure that the direction I am given is creating more positive outcome than destruction in its wake.
I worry for that little schoolhouse on the hill, my liver, the one that educates all the future leaders in this rebellion that may be damaged directly from this course, but will certainly be overburdened as a refuge for all those struggling during this exchange. While I have done many things to reinforce and strengthen the walls, and the sustainability of this place, it will be just a few more days to see if the impact was “enough” and then it will be a few months to determine if the school house has adapted and learned to weather the storm. Go Liver go, be strong do your job of removing all this toxic dump of things that I’m injecting and taking orally after they have “done the things” they were assigned to do.
I like this parallel, it gives me strength – one of the things I have always admired is the ability of the strongest people I know to endure all of these emotional hardships, these second guessing internally every decision, and still coming out on top and finding ways to not just bring joy to the ones around them – but even remotely to the ones like me.
Overall Life is good, lets hope these new meds achieve the best possible result with as little casualty as possible. Carpe Diem.
Life is good.