When the trees get so so excited…

Tree Pollen – so many mixed thoughts here, I mean I love trees, but the pollen is well gross. It covers the cars, sidewalks, air, and most importantly gets into my sinus’s and its like “hey baby wanna wrestle” – this makes for a somewhat miserable experience, and I don’t mean the gin blossoms album…

There are not alot of things demoralizing like being in my situation, where I know even on the course of “winning” there will be some “bad days” – even though I “know” this to be the case, waking up from a sound sleep with a horrible headache is … just it sucks.

Even when you know its from those blasted trees again, because you can feel the pressure in your sinus’s and you try and tell that little girl voice inside of you “its okay its just the trees sending their “love” to us…. it makes me seriously want to support deforestation – okay not really but geez, please Mr Oak, stop spewing your golden goodness all over my air! I need that air, and my nose needs to breath to fight the other things, not your propagation.

Its also really funny when you decide to have a little more than usual caffeine to “help” elevate the tree things, and yep sure enough you go from feeling like “you are dying” from the not quite allergies – I’m not allergic to the tree pollen – I just have one of those horrible sinus things that makes me super sensitive to it.

My acupuncturist is incredible. She did a remote session with me yesterday to show me all the really good points to do for heart, liver, and most importantly SINUS! to help me get these painful things under control – however acupressure is just not quite as good as acupuncture – damn pandemic. Michele, is doing remote sessions, and while she in kindness offered me the first one for free, she is offering these as a service, which I feel is great, because its her way of keeping her business going during these times. her website is: https://austincanceracupuncture.com/ She does more than just cancer, but its her specialty – her partner, does fertility as a speciality, and her practice is incredible. I’ve been going for more than two years, and I have to say it has kept me alive and generally feeling great.

I have to shout out for a great partner – P did this amazing thing to help my family have some synergy during these lock key times. He went above and beyond and I’m still – well in the time we have been married there have been a few times when he just did something that overwhelmed me with emotion – where I am just humbled and awed at the same time – and this was one of those times. Shout out to incredible partners, and how they make lives so much more rich and incredible.

I have been thinking more and more – also getting alot of small signs, that I will get another trip to India. This is pretty inspiring. I so enjoyed my trip there. The culture of that country is just well, its just very different from ours, and somehow it makes my soul sing. Ever since I left there, I have wondered – believing at the time I wouldn’t likely get back – just due to so many other places I would like to visit – but now, the signs are somewhat leading me to strongly believe I will get another trip back there – although its a huge country and I’m not at all certain “where” i’ll get to visit. There are a few parts that I’m still a little scared about, although I’m certain with the expression Vaya Con Dios- I’ll be led to just the place I’m supposed to visit.

Believing in god, is an extremely powerful thing – when you wake in pain and even though rationally you know where the pain is from, when you pray, and you believe in god, its an amazing thing to feel the pain lessen even slightly from the prayer, because god just doesn’t want us to be in excessive pain – that being said – There is a part of me that believes god feels that pain is an equalizer, it teaches us humility, and to respect the confines of our body, so while god doesn’t chose or wish for us to have an unmanageable amount of pain – a little pain is actually well, its like a little bit of work or chores or positivity – it goes a long way to instructing us towards better action and better paths. To appreciating those that are down a course that requires them to experience a larger amount of pain – somehow a little pain is a good reminder that your alive, that you can still feel things – even if they are a little less comfortable, and it also makes those times when the pain is lifted so much more delightful. It somewhat elevates them from a 8 into an 11 – Yes old Spinal Tap reference, my life is elevated to 11.

P and I ranted yesterday – food is annoying and hard right now. The meds I am on make me hungry to varying extremes at weird moments. Food is suddenly hard. Sometimes I don’t have enough “spoons” to cook, or even decide what is best. Its like I have been blessed with the ability to obtain some good veggies, but suddenly they just sound like so much work, I know they aren’t really – but the soup I planned just seems like its so much effort beyond just having that sandwich – which has alot less food value for me. Trying to find balance and harmony in all things – particularly in foods, its just finding the comfortable balance between effort and sustenance. I suppose this isn’t a struggle I’m solo experiencing. Between P & I it was a shared treasure of a struggle, and I’d imagine alot of peeps that don’t normally cook are experiencing this same challenge right now.

P had an old boss, when we were first here in Austin – he had worked there for a couple years, and been treated – well bluntly like an under appreciated dog. Finally I encouraged him to find a new job – this boss pulled me into a meeting with him and P and tried to explain that they weren’t acting out of malice – that they had been “trying to make the strong coral rise to the surface” – I politely explained that my husband was a gold star, and wasn’t some sort of coral that needed polishing, and how dare they try to polish something that didn’t need polishing, and that perhaps they should look at their polices, and find a better way to judge. As we walked out the door, and P walked on to a significantly better job. I have often thought of this conversation, and the “rough polishing of coral” that was the bulk of it, and I still shake my head. Don’t try and play a player – it always ends up poorly for you sir.

On to finding some more adventures, and some more things to help keep me strong, and make me strong – looking forward to finding out the potassium numbers today, after the ungodly amount of potassium horse pills they have gotten me to take for the past 3 days – 60 Mg (3 pills) twice a day with a Mag tablet at the same time – so 120 MG daily. Here is hoping that it has Risen the level enough that I’m out of the danger zone – Enough topgun with my potassium.

Up and down, like the see-saw of life.

I remember see-saws, playing at the playground – in the forced recess or outside time – never much my favorite, I think I was born 20 years too early sometimes. We had parks and things, other forced outside time. I’ve always been an inside bird – conversation with adults wasn’t something boring to me it was a learning opportunity. Watching, and listening to the conversation, usually about things that were a little over my head, but not for long. My mind has always put pieces together – often times incorrectly at first, but settling them into a jigsaw picture that proceduced something that for my mind at least, seemed logical.

This seeming logical for my brain, is something that other people will always struggle with – I can see lines and patterns, and pathways that most people can’t or chose not to perceive. Its like there are railway stations of opportunities that course thru our lives, with so many trains and rails not taken. I frequently talk about pathways. Its very common for our energy to be at crossroads. We are light beings, energy being, that are in a tangible matter for for a – well universally speaking a brief period of existence. The pathways for the energy are always there, some of them we take with our physical forms. When I say life is like a game, it is – this brief period is our “time” to be playing it. When we go back to energy, we spectate, much like watching a Youtuber/streamer doing gaming. Its still enjoyable, there are many more things to do in that form, but its not the same as actually having your hands on the controller, and pushing the buttons yourself.

When you push the buttons within your physical body – when you chose to take this turn or that – go to this store, or that place – say hi to this person – smile or frown – get angry or frustrated. All of these choices are setting you down one path or another. Some paths are easier, some paths are more challenging. They all eventually lead to the same place, but the scenery and experience is very different along many of them.

The choice of path is based upon perception, and personal history within this physical form – not the light form – because it has the cheat codes. It “knows” the correct or most enjoyable path. The trick is to remember, that the personal history is bias, judgemental, and often times wrong. Just because 1+1 used to equal 2 and sometimes still does equal 2 – that doesn’t mean it always will produce that result —— Parents know for a fact that 1 + 1 actually equals 3 – and then 4 and then 5 — very different from the “logic” that tells you 1+1=2 — neither are correct, and neither are wrong, they are entirely perspective based.

In addition to time being a limiter, perception is a limiter – most people are unable to rationally perceive that time doesn’t exist, and neither does perception – they are both just confines of the “game” that we are playing – much like playing monopoly with out the board and the boot would be… well, *smiles sweetly* I’d like to try that sometime, I happen to know most of the positions by heart – this has always been one of my favorite board games – each side has 10 spots – 2 colors, 1 train, 1 community thing that is good, 1 community thing that is bad — I wonder if I could imagine the board enough to do this — In much the same way that having the board and the boot or the dog or the house – to play with …. having our physical body and the senses we perceive as real to experience aka play – this game are helpful. Doesn’t change the fact that is is entirely possible to “play” without using any of them.

There are a plethora of people that have a sense missing – they have entered into this existence with the reality of no sight or sound or arms to touch – and they play just fine – the game is very different for them – but its still the same game. Make a choice, experience something, ramifications of that choice as you are moved along a path. What if you decided, in the moment to change the path? What if you were able to perceive the other path, and you just stopped conforming to the expected result of the path you were on?

That is what I am doing. I call it “curing” cancer, but its more like – I’m working on stepping from one path to another. Sick to healed. Labels for things – names are useful – when you are talking or playing with other people, but the feelings, the emotions, the the believes or spiritual connections/cords of them are a lot more helpful when you are dealing only with yourself.

I am far from an expert at many many things – its 100% accurate to say I am more of a novice then an expert. However, I know how to access, and tap into the infinite pool of expertise, and the unlimited cosmic power of the genie in the lamp or — in my example of Monopoly – the bank 🙂 = btw, if you ever play monopoly never ever let me be the banker – this is something my friends and family learned relatively early – or rather, sometimes never learned and could never understand why I always won…… My definition of cheating is very different from other peoples. Its only really cheating if it takes from another persons existence or experiences, and somehow diminishes them – taking away someone else choice is somehow one of the biggest cheats of all – this is why I’d never really make a good parent, because I feel often, that in raising a child the best possible way, its somehow a requirement that you do this on the daily for protection, learning and generally for raising good healthy well balanced citizens – My mind and heart however can’t help reconcile this concept with the logic of the fact that its for me “cheating” them out of having the learning/experience/knowledge of their very own – This is probably why children of my own were not in the cards and this is a self revelation I’m having in the moment – so kinda an interesting one – Thanks Blog! and thanks to Richard Reeves for inspiring me thru a tactic of flattery – Yes Ego is strong with this one lol – to keep trying to do this more regularly.

I feel strongly the sun will come up today – in a few hours, I feel strongly that it will set this evening. These may not happen, but they are logical, and in this existence they are the most likely path. Many paths in our lives/game are likely and obvious. That doesn’t mean they are best, or the one we should chose. It also doesn’t mean they are the only one to chose. Just because everyone calls a thing a thing doesn’t mean its a thing. It could be a flower, even if it seems like a bee. Change your perception, change your world. I am choosing to feel strong, be strong, and be healthy. Somedays, it will and is harder than others, but not today team, not today.

Mojo is not something you can share

The tickle that I get inside, that tells me “you should write something” – is not something I know how to share, if its shareable. I just know, that its one of those things, that seems to grow and grow like a jabba the hutt until I let it out. – insert random probably mis-quote here “toe to solo, hahaha” – meaning its time to write.

This weather is again, that lingering sense of endless winter. There is a part of me that thrives in this dark, wet and gloomy. Not sure its the best or the brightest parts of me, but it IS the part of me that has everlasting longevity.

Interesting thought occurred to me the other day during a meditation. Science has come to the revelation – not really something new to the rest of us, but yeah science for catching up – that only 10% of our bodies is “us” or rather, the DNA that they have always considered “us” — now this revelation… is that Cancer is mutation of those DNA cells. So in effect, when you are developing or growing cancer, its with the smallest portion of who you are, and as it grows… its effectively trying to take over the part of you that is a thriving community. Its also worth mentioning in this thought, that part of “solving cancer” is that your body has to replace those cells to keep your “healthy” DNA at 10%, and cancer is constantly trying to mutate/replicate – get the hatfields to join the mccoys so to speak. While all the natural fungi, bacteria, and things that grow and thrive in your body are just living in this war zone much like the gaza strip.

Things that make you just shake your head and go “vaya con dios” – My whole life is all vaya con dios (go with god) – have always had a strong believe in god – not so much as a person – too limiting, or as a singular construct, but more as an infinitesimal limitless essence that makes up everything – every cell, atom, – there is no part of me that is not of the god. So when I say “God is healing my cancer” I mean that its being healed from everything everywhere, all at once, and within the perfect time for what is required to get the job done.

There is something about clean laundry that just has always made me happy. The machines beep beeping to tell me that they are done, tossing and turning the cloth around, and that it will now smell fresh, crisp and clean – and be warm and ready for folding, or wearing, or putting into place. Something about this is just magic. I can’t imagine the days when laundry had to be done by hand, but I can say hanging in the sun – of course not on days or weeks of days like today – but hanging in the sun is a little superior to the dryer – a little – only because the smell of fresh from outside is pretty non replicable but also not the warmth that comes from the dryer itself. I tend to be a bit of a hedonistic person, and do a little laundry every day just to feel this freshness around me – its much like knowing that I’ve given a clean fresh shower to my linens, clothing, towels, curtains, rugs – whatever is in the rotation for the day.

Doing house chores, on a pretty predictable schedule has become the norm for me – I like routine, it keeps me happy and it lets my body feel like it can get into a rhythm with healing. I feel stronger, and it helps me stay happy and that helps me healer better and better.

Intuition is based upon spirit guiding me towards information that is out there in the ethers that maybe isn’t quite present to my physical body at this moment in time. I’m relying alot on intuition these days, because so many other things are failing. The natural clumsiness that I have had since early childhood – I think partially teh reason my grandparents gave me gymnastics lessons as a young child was to try and help “train” this clumsiness out of me – and it only worked to regulate it into a less normal pattern. However, due to current physical things, and my absolute necessity to do only one thing at a time after years and years of multitasking – I can see now often, thanks to intuition, how things are going to fall apart and be an under mess, if I fail to take the one at a time mantra as my edict for life. For example, I’ll have two drinks and a plate to carry. Former self would have tried to balance these things, and I can see the “method” for balance in them even now, but as I go to pick them up, intuition will show me which item will fall and where it will slip and fall if I try this method. Much better to just take two or three trips and carry each thing carefully to its destination. The little bit of extra movement is good for me anyway, and much faster than the time to clean up the mess. However, sometimes, I get that sense “no way, I can be more careful than this, maybe it won’t happen” so I try – and sure enough xyz happens and then I can spend the next X amount of time cleaning up the mess I knew was coming. Just confirmation after confirmation. Listen or be silent, but either way, follow directions or your bound to end up a hot mess.

Being smart doesn’t always mean you do it correctly the first time, nor does it mean you do it the most efficient or the best way. It just means you have the capacity to do it right, and efficiently. But then, everyone is smart – some of us just chose to actively be dumb unintentionally. Its kinda a subconscious game we play with ourselves. Have been finding many and many of these subconscious games all over the place with P and I – also with many family and friends. Its pretty fun and interesting – being a gamer to find these things – however makes me a little frustrated and sad, when often I find that they are not doing us good, but rather we are allowing the games to have been morphed to do us great harm – like, if your losing, that’s okay just don’t punish yourself in addition to losing. The loss is punishment enough. Pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and try the game again – just like every game, eventually with practice, you will get better and you will win more than you lose.

Even if this weather is all mush mush of sloppy wet goo, it will pass eventually, and the beautiful tree in my backyard – which came back a season after we thought it was dead – and finally six years later has buds, and fruit on it – The fruit will eventually rippen and we will have it in a few months to enjoy.

There is another…

There were two hawks on my walk today, soaring over the trees of a neighbors house a couple down from mine. I saw them – as I’ve seen them before, they are a couple – there are actually four different ones that live around this area, and in the green belt behind my house.

As I walked, with my goal of the second mailbox, last walk I made it to the street just past, so while the maibox was my “goal” I had hope of making it to the street. As I approached the street, I noticed there was ANOTHER mailbox just up a tiny bit more. I thought to myself with a slight internal smirk – well you wanted to go for the mailbox, there you go, a little further, you can do it! So I did, I made it to the “third” mailbox today, it was an 18 minute walk – furthest I’ve gone in a bit, and added another 2 minutes to my walk. Felt really good and amusing to me to make it to the mailbox – the third one.

As I walked, I also found it amusing, that there was a guy washing his cars – this wasn’t the amusing part. The other day when I walked, I noticed this guys black car was super dusty/dirty. I thought to myself, wow with all these stay at home things, and the project things, it would be a really good time for car washing. And wow that guy could use it! I had an entire conversation in my head with this imaginary, at the time, neighbor about how good it would feel to just wash his car, and have it be happy. About how we use a car was, and my mind trailed off at the time, to thinking about people like the employees at the car wash – and how they are fairing thru these times. And here today, was this guy just washing his car, I caught his eye today and gave him two thumbs up, and a bright smile, he got the message, and decided perhaps I was right, as I walked back from my goal, I noticed he had started on his second vehicle, also black, also previously filthy, but now in the sure process of being clean.

On the way, towards car guy, I noticed all the overgrown yards, and was thinking to myself how it would be a kinda cool thing to have a free lawn service, and just go cut the part of peoples lawns near the sidewalks, where it is most overgrown, and where it impacts people trying to get in a few hoofs here and there, for the fresh air, and the exercise. On the way back, there was a guy cutting his lawn, starting with the part near the sidewalk.

The universe is listening, what did you want again? Think it out, the power is there. My body is healing. The cancer is leaving my body. I’m learning, growing and evolving into a better, stronger human being.

Had a remote session with my psychologist yesterday, apparently I am overly blessed, as my medical insurance company is the only one that has approved “remote” sessions to date. As we talked, via a pretty cool remote tool she uses, I mentioned to her that one of my heart concerns, is the people least equipped financially to handle this type of a crisis are the ones that are going to be the most heavily hit. Not the salaried upper middle class, they will weather the storm, all be it potentially less comfortable. Its the lower middle class, and the lower class peeps, the ones that work so hard to make alot of things in our society just work, that will be the most heavily hit by this crisis. The people like the car wash employees. Or the shopping store employees. Or the facility people. My heart and prayers go out to them for some type of resolution.

P mentioned an interesting thing, which really struck a cord with me, this situation has a very strong potential to disrupt our free market economy in a very insidious way. Businesses, the little guy, or the epitome of capitalism at work, are the ones most at risk with this crisis. Large corporations, have reserves, and have means to “weather” this storm. But the little guy, having to close his door, which is bluntly probably the most prudent, is going to have the biggest impact. P’s comment was, that this crisis, if it goes on for any period of time, has the potential to drive alot of these smaller businesses into closing. Here is hoping that this storm passes quickly.

Starbuck is a little confused with the two of us being home, all the time. On the one hand, he is super happy that his peeps are all here. On the other, he has decided this is an indicator that we are now at his beck and call all day. Some of his more assertive behaviors are showing a little more than usual now, although some of his loving behaviors are highlighted as well, its hard to say much about it. Yesterday while I napped, he finally tried to use the doggie steps we got a few months back for the bed, to climb up and cuddle with me. He struggled with the last steps, and gave up the attempt, preferring to come beside the bed and bark at me to ensure I was aware I had “forgotten” to put him on the bed. P came in and helped him manage the steps. We have been working with him for a month to master the steps. It was very encouraging to overhear him actually trying on his own when in a circumstance unobserved. Its just a proof that P was pretty correct, the steps are unfortunately, not in an ideal position for him to be able to utilize them alone.

We are creatures of habit, and routine oriented, and its an interesting thing to see this manifest in Starbuck. He lets us know when its time for bed, and he lets P know – usually I’ve gotten up an hour or so prior – when its time to get up.

Overall, life is good, I’m feeling pretty okay. Detox stuff has had to slow down a bit, having to take an every other day approach to it, which is kinda less than ideal, but necessary, my body just can’t flush as fast as it can pull the toxins out, and its bluntly less helpful to have them piled up in my gut than in my liver. Atleast, that is how it feels, there might be an argument for the later, but the encumbrance of discomfort is not something I overly relish, so every other day it is for the supplements.

A few days ago, I planted the sprouts kit I got, and they are peeking up now, another couple days, and I get to remove the cover, and watch them turn into full grown yummy foods. I have to say, I was a little leary about this kit when I first decided to get it, but its kinda been super easy and a little fun to watch them turn from seeds into green.

Back to more tea, and a warmer room – a story for another day.

Cyclone Ridge?

Did my walk today, up to 16.5 minutes. Not as long as I’d like but still makes my legs jelly like and my heart pumping above the 125 range, which just seems silly to me with how short, and how easy going the walk is… but its progress. My Wins.

I’m listening to my spotify 2020 play list – which is a little wack – I mean every annual playlist I make is pretty wack, but this one, I started it the very end of Dec and first few days of Jan – and this is really the first time I’ve given it much of a listen.

The plus side of a shorter walk is – I haven’t actually made it thru the play list yet – I keep picking it up each time I walk, so its still a new fresh thing, I can see some obvious tweaks I want to make to this playlist.

The weather is super great for an outdoor walk right now, in the upper 60’s lower 70s and overcast. Still have to keep my head covered, from the radiation – that will be until Oct – one year after last treatment. Which makes it a little warmer, but still its pretty comfy for walking. The pace is super casual, but my feet are progressing, and the path is getting a little longer each day, its like the spirits are beckoning me to come dance with them.

There was a set of guys walking a cute baby today – with all the concerns of human contact, I crossed the road as they passed the other direction, but it was pretty cute to see, they looked like they too were having fun.

The trees are all blooming – which is horrible for the sinus’s but amazing for the eyes. I snapped a few pictures of these white blooms that aren’t dogwoods, as well as the liter of dogwoods one of my neighbors has in their back yard – not as pretty as the archway of dogwoods that used to be on both sides of AW Grimes before they expanded the road, – most of the trees survived the powerline massacre of a few years back – but a few did not – and all in all the archway is mostly gone now – still a pretty view when they bloom but the historical view was just breathtaking – made me realize what an eye some landscaper must have had – to visualize the potential of those trees, years and years before they produced. To see it in the minds eye… and call it forth to reality. What a gift.

In the course of my walk, I pass one of the side streets, “Cyclone Ridge” and it occured to me, I wonder how streets are named. Like does someone – the developer sit back and go “I think this street is just a hot mess, I’ll call it Cyclone Ridge,… because its a little at the edge of this green belt, and its going to take a true act of god to put as many houses in as they are asking, I’ll have to be a tazmanian devil and cyclone the whole area of lots. ” === Or maybe I just have an overactive imagination — its followed by Agarita Trail – I think Agarita was the name of the doll in one of those from the library type movies, that was like a grandmother that was given to these kids that had lost their caretaker, she was an automaton that was an incredible provider, the movie was short, sweet and somewhat sad, but well done. It showed the kids as grownups dancing thru a trail back to Agarita — maybe this developer just had an overactive imagination too.

Dunno, but maybe the naming of streets requires a special skill – like I wonder do you need a degree for this? Or is it a special class in school. “Road Nomenclature 101 – where the pavement comes to be called” – I certainly don’t know, but I think I’d like to learn more about this, so that maybe some day I could do what it took to name a road. Although I’m not at all entirely certain what I’d call it. Not after myself, I think there are enough things named after Truth, a road named after truth might be pushing the boundaries of the universe just a tad too much – like no one could ever live on it, things would perpetually be in a state of half fixed, half broken.

I do however, love the idea of being able to implement my overactive imagination to the cause of naming a road. Of having people walk or drive upon something I’d taken part of creating – if even in name. I suppose its like a tiny tear drop of having a child. The legacy aspect, and the less annoying aspect of never having to worry, or care for or generally look after the thing, just being able to sort of poop out that name and move onto the next.

I wonder what other forms of passionate expression there are like this, without as many lingering tethers to them. I mean most passionate expressions, by their nature have alot of tethers to ones energy. They are a part of your being after all, when you give creative birth to them, much the same was as children are – even if less all encompassing. Life is pretty all encompassing. Tangible things, alot less encompassing, but still holding tethers. Releasing these tethers is something I’ve learned, but I wonder what this is like – how it differs when the tethers are part of who you are… I know recently I’ve had to release some relationships that I created, and I maintained that were not serving me; I suppose this is a similar feeling – although creating relationships isn’t something I’d particular call a passion – at least not for me, but maybe I am being remiss and under evaluating my talents. Just more food for thoughts for another day or time.

For now, time to have some water, and enjoy the rest of the day before the sun ducks beneath the horizon and tucks itself into slumber.

The wonderful thing about Tiggers

Spring has sprung – or atleast it is so in Texas. The trees, I’m not sure what type they are, we have some of the white and pink blooms – some of them are dogwoods like the northeast, but others are just not dogwoods, and they just get these beautiful pink and purple blooms.

I have always enjoyed the colors this time of year in Texas. The green byways and open fields get these littering of colors. From the yellow, white, blue and red flowers that just pop up and color the landscape. The trees blossoming in their white, pink, purple and even yellow flowers all over the place. It makes outdoor walking so so enjoyable, to see these buds, to watch them fall and dance down into my hair and pave my steps. Its an incredible reminder how beautiful life is, and can be from one brief moment to another.

I did my morning walk today. Its not much, but I’m so thankful and happy for what I am able to do, and it was in these, the wee hours, where its still mostly dark, and the dew is falling, almost like rain on my jacket and headwrap. It wasn’t really cold, just a little bit cool, spring here is a hop from cold to warm to cold again within the same week. Right now its contentedly comfortable. I made it a little further today, each day I endeavor to see how far my steps can carry me comfortable before I feel that tug of my intuition telling me I’ve gone far enough.

Its easier to hear the intuition earlier, before my mind wakes enough to try and build all these barricades of thought, to bombard my intuition with a battlefield of logic and rational things to meander thru to get to the prize. That song love is a battlefield is no lie! Loving yourself the worst one of all.

P and I watched the coolest video to start the day yesterday, it was one of my favorite celebrities – Gordon Ramsey, visiting a girl with cancer for whom he was her hero. It was an incredible moving video, and a great way to start the day. My mind however, in the course of its battlefield of mental vs heart, immediately went to the fact that he brought her a ton of sugary delicious goodness – the worst possible thing he could have done for a cancer patient – and they weren’t even cooked by him. On the one hand, I was so happy for him to be visiting her, and so moved by the effort and gifts, which I’m certain were well enjoyed – I mean cancer patients love sweets, and sugar as much as the rest of the world; so does the cancer in our bodies – more so. On the other hand, my mind is like “BAD BAD BAD” – this is the same struggle personally I’m having…. with balance.

It often feels like I’m on the teeter totter of life. I instituted an accountability human for me a few months back, because while I recognize indulging in some of the amazing treats in life is an important part of enjoying it for me, balance in recognizing frequency is equally important, and its too easy to “forget” when you last “cheated” – I hate calling it cheating, its not really cheating, its allowing for some of that goodness that requires more restraint than our current state of society seems to indicate is normal.

I suppose a once in a life time opportunity meeting your hero, is definately one of those times to induldge in all of the beautiful delicious goodness life has to offer.

I am excited the necessary work at home sequestering that the current conditions have required. I’ll have company here, its not that I’ll have engagement, but I’ll have another pulse to share the space with, and somehow that just feels and sounds amazing. I’m taking it as a win for all the things I’ve had to change or cancel due to this circumstance. Another win would be the raised/elevated hygiene things that have spread, its good to know that we are re-educating adults on basic hygiene things, and that their lives and the lives of others now depend upon them mastering these lessons. Work hard people, I’d like us all to pass!

Songs the heartbeat of life

There is a song by Jewel called Intuition its one of those songs that half sticks with you, and half doesn’t. Last night P and I did this sort of quasi experiment thing – it didn’t start out as an experiment but after about 2+ hours, I’d call it successful – whatever it actually was….

We were using Amazon – or rather, I was, to play a “song” that came to mind. I’d give Alexa a artist and title, and she would whirl up the spinner, and toss the tune on for us to enjoy. It was a rather odd mix of songs from the 70s, 80s, 90s, 00s, 10s, and this decade. My musical tastes have always been, well eclectic takes on a whole new meaning with me. Most music I like, some I have less enjoyment for over time, or, and mostly my taste is a carpe diem musical taste. Whatever strikes me at the time.

It was a pretty amusing mix from the perspective that I tried to pick mostly songs that not only did I know the artist and the song, but also I knew about 90% of the lyrics, meaning I was completely capable of singing along. I’ve read recently that when you are healing, your body loves to hear the sound of your voice. Its like a harmony that makes you calm, and also helps cellular regeneration.

This somewhat makes complete sense to me, and explains the pure value of monk chanting. Its not about “what you say” but that YOU say it. Speak more, sing more, hum more… tell your cells, tell yourself you are loved, by YOU.

Another amusing thing to me, during this time of chaotic caucus races of pandemonium. So many places have closed down, sending employees to the “safety” of their homes… and where is the first place you find these employees. Shopping! The 3 grocery stores we drove past yesterday on the way to my weekly treatment, were literally overspilling with cars and mayhem. Good work people good work, avoid the safety of your clean, and separated by personal space environment, to mad dash with thousands of your equally panicked fellow citizens to empty the shelves and rush and crowd into small spaces. No that’s not a recipe for disaster, not at all….. It was more crowded at these stores than I’ve ever seen it on a Thanksgiving holiday preshopping time. It must be found amusing, otherwise it just makes me shake my head at the utter ridiculousness of it.

Many places that should have had employees working for home, for years, are now doing this as a “good” “preventative” “proactive measure” — well good show companies, even if it is sorta a late way of getting to where you have needed to be for a decade or so…. Hopefully this is a positive out of this experience.

Had a trip planned for April with P to the coast of Oregon. It was going to be amazing. Its the first trip in our marriage that He planned and set up primarily on his own. He bought the tickets, picked the place, and made the reservations. That was one of the requirements. He is more than just not a fan of travel, he loathes it, so this was a huge thing. I have been looking forward to this trip since September, when we first started talking about it.

Because P hates to fly, he booked first class airfare. This is his compensation, for being a large man, it makes the trip so much more comfortable. Now with the state of the union, its pretty doubtful we will get to take this trip, and I’m more than a little disappointed. It was a two week trip overlooking the beach, from the beautiful comfort of a hotel room that would have just been amazing.

There are family I was hoping to see, and friends, that now will be postponed. One of my biggest, and strongest inspirations for “what I am wanting to do with my life” is travel. Cancelling this trip is demoralizing. I know I’m an adult. I know there are very good reasons to cancel, but it doesn’t change the little kid part of me being so so disappointed.

There are so many rational arguments for that little kid, its not even funny. Mostly that little kid is pretty smart, and she knows there will be more trips, but she is still threatening to throw the mother of all temper tantrums when we “actually” cancel the trip. So I’m delaying this as far as reasonable possible, and continuing to use the “might have to cancel” and the “maybe it will all work out to go” in my mind so I keep her hushed. Mostly its giving me time to come up with a strategy for dealing with offering her some shiny treasure when / if the cancellation is the best course of action.

Canceling nearly all of my activities, and restricting my contacts out of my house, is the prudent action I’m taking – I mean I’m an OCD person about hand washing – always have been – so that was never a question. Added a few more cleaning things around the house to my normal regimen to keep things clear, and also added a few more things to my supplement regime that are antiviral things. Just not overly concerned just being overly cautious to eliminate the need for concern.

I’ve recently encountered some really cool peeps that are earning a living working in their passions, this is always a pretty inspiring thing to me, and I’ll try and share more about this at another time.

Overall, I’m feeling pretty okay, the new hormone suppression med, has some really kick me in the rare side effects, for which I was ill prepared. The main one being a sense of depression that somewhat hits me in waves of doom and gloom. It also has this mechanic that is de-regulating my natural body temp, and just making my internal body temperature much like the external weather for spring. All over the place.

I did see a super cool thing, the tree we planted years ago, one of the four – a lemon, a lime, a mandarin orange, and an avocado. The one of the four that didn’t die, is finally fruiting this year! The fruit is green at present, and so so so high up on the tree. Its hard precisely to tell which it is, other than knowing for 100% certainty its not the avocado, that died super fast. P seems convinced its the mandarin orange, and he may well be right, it seems an odd time of the year for that to be fruiting – it has 6-10 that I can find, its also flowering, but I’m not precisely certain what time of year they flower/fruit. Either way, it is kinda neat to see. Fruit coming to a yard near you!

We watched a Youtube last night of coming movies, and it was pretty interesting to see all the Marvel history story movies coming for some pretty interesting characters in the universe. Looking forward to those up and coming.

Mostly looking forward to continuing to live, to find things that make me thrive, and to somehow acclimate to dealing with disappointments, no matter the shape or form they take on for me at this time.

Here I am

Feel a little like the picture of a boat sailing in choppy water, where the ocean is threatening to overcome the sides of the ship on the left and the right. Cannons to the left of me, cannons to the right.

Just have to keep on target, and sail thru these choppy waters.

There are many good days, I’m surrounded by good days, days where I feel pretty great, almost so much that I forget about things, and I’m able to just be a rational, kinda human being. Where things all feel, well, mostly comfortable and normal.

What is normal? I’m not sure I know anymore. I’m not sure it has a definition either, normal seems to be the state of the union for my body, and that is in such a constant state of flux.

On the not great days, sometimes I have to remember that weather still happens, and my sinus’s will still be sore from pressure systems. That I’ll still get headaches from pollens, and molds. I’ll still get headaches randomly from loud noise, or conditions that are anxiety ridden. That these have nothing to do with the state of the union. They are not a failure, rather they are a – perhaps calling them pleasant is a bit too much, but they are definitely a reminder that I’m alive, and still fighting.

I cooked today, its a pretty great day, I made this stirfry stuff, and it turned out fabulous, it’s like a curry sauce, with a slight bit of heat, just a tiny bit, enough for a good flavor. I like being able to do this, to harness the produce and things I’ve bought, and actually bring the plans to fruition.

Some Days aren’t like this, some days I have to take a detour on the way to albuquerque and take a nap. I’ve come to a white flag with naps, and I recognize their value far exceeds my abhorrence for taking the down time. It helps that I normally wake refreshed and comfortable after a nap as well.

I’m very thankful for the people in my life. I’m surrounded by happy people that perpetually make me realize that life is good. Which is why last evening, when I was suddenly caught in the middle of someone else’s torment of life, that I was reminded that other people’s drama is not mine. Time to focus on my spoons, and let them just be…. They will sort themselves out, or not.

Have been looking and studying quite a bit about music therapy things. There is some interesting science about the harmony/vibrations of particular hrz in terms of cellular resonance. I’ve been dabbling with some playlists on spotify, that have particular ones, and I must say, that some of them work differently for me than anticipated. Data analyst part of me is still working with this, but I will say intuitive is very much along this path, and calling for this type of information.

Its pretty interesting to me, that when you are “in the zone” that when you call to things in the universe, in the universal consciousness, or “God” depending upon how you view/believe. Its interesting to me how quickly response is provided, if it’s actually something you need or should be working with…. So many examples of this right now, where I ask for a particular thing, and suddenly its here, just waiting for me to use it. – Many universal thanks again to my step-mother – or rather “mom #2” – for the Merkaba she provided me with – its great, and precisely what I was asking/needing.

I wonder where the term “step” came from. I have a step mother, step father, step sister…. I think originally “step” allowed me to have distance, so maybe thats where its from – a way of separation. I have to say, I’ve sort of come to believe that none of these people are really “step” anything to me – just because they aren’t biologically the title, somehow they have characteristics that make them a part of my human experience, but it does get confusing to have multiple moms, dads, and siblings with different parents.

I guess data analyst is always looking for labels. Something to classify, and sort. I suppose I could just call them all “loved ones” its a bit generic, and tends to encompass people that aren’t just family. I have alot of adopted family that definitely fall into loved ones, but that wouldn’t actually or legally fall into family regardless of title.

Sometimes the labels seem to serve the purpose of providing an artificial separation. A way maybe of viewing people are more separate. Its a classification, but a way of creating division perhaps, I dunno maybe today is just wax poetic about nonsense day – but wait thats everyday! 🙂

Starbuck and I meditated today – its one of a few times he was allowed into my meditation room. He is doing dogi chi right now, as I ramble. Watching him go from play to relaxed is always something I’ve enjoyed. Its rather amazing to me how versatile animals are, there are definitely things to learn from them.

Here is to learning, all sorts of things, from all sorts of sources, and remembering that after the showers come the flowers.

Sometimes Live versions are better….

Lyrics for today, are actually “only” from this one storytellers version of this song – thanks Rick – this is hands down my favorite version of this song, and seems appropriate for today.

Lyrics first link: https://genius.com/Counting-crows-mr-jones-live-version-vh1-storytellers-lyricsYoutube of the song: https://youtu.be/AwXltVvuoCY

“So you wanna be a rock and roll star, well listen now to what I’m saying, just get an electric guitar, take some time learn how to play”

There was a quote I heard once, that is very much the writing echo of this one above – “Writers, Write” – I can’t remember/google to find it – seems like its too generic, and appropriate to deserve much specific credit. I’ll just take it to say, as truth.

I love writing. I always have, I don’t feel its a passion exactly for me, its more like breathing. Its a method for my hands, specifically my fingers to connect to my head and my heart. It allows them to try and keep pace – as if they ever could, but I guess thats the game. To boldly go where my head and heart are traversing.

I’m lazy. Or more, as I recently pointed out to someone else I love greatly, while I do have some laziness tendencies, mostly I play this subconscious game – lets call it the “laziness game” – many of us learn this in life, although in my experience its learned more readily by non-only children thru the course of childhood. Its that tendency towards “maybe if I wait someone else will do it for me” – which is NOT precisely the same thing as laziness. Laziness is deciding to wait, because you don’t want to do it, or doing it requires more energy than you are presently willing to invest.

This game of laziness is more a matter of a warped sense of hopefulness. Its a matter of hoping and relying upon laurels of good energy output in and from the universe to provide for your desires, with no effort on your part. Its the “win” of no effort. However, the amusing part about this game is “THERE IS” an effort, and the rude part, is that usually we self deprecate ourselves whether we are winning or losing at the game. We negative speak to ourselves BECAUSE we are being lazy, rather than taking time to enjoy the game.

I have come to realize, that this game is unhealthy for me, if I am playing subconsciously. I have also come to realize that being lazy is not always a bad thing. However, sometimes, being lazy is not allowing me to amplify the energy towards goals I feel are important.

Back to writing. I have been lazy. I am going to work on this. Thank you for inspirations from a few friends, that reminded me – in the same voice I have reminded countless people. Live is about pursuing your passions, about the things that make you happy, doing them – not just wanting or desiring, or wishing – DOING.

Writing makes me happy. I don’t always have things to say, but I can always manage to fill a page with words, even if its just talking about filling a page with words – thanks “Blues Traveler – the hook”

Mostly I do have things I feel the desire to say, to share, and otherwise inject in my unique blend of sarcasm, amusement, and generally life method of writing. On to one of those now!

There is a new thing I got, its a blood sugar monitor – long story on this one, but the new medicine they have me on to help with the seizures since the hospital – one of the side effects for me, is that it drops my blood sugar quickly surprisingly low. How low you ask? This is the same question I have been asking, so I decided to venture into this “avenue” of things.

The people in my life closest to me, laughed at this, as they know me well enough to know that the thought of sticking myself with a needle daily to monitor this, or to check it is NOT something that will ever be appealing to me – however, they were quieted from the perspective that I AM a data person, and you can’t make educated/informed decisions with out specific data points. The doctor at the hospital was like “maybe if you check it, and its low, you can just have someone stick you with some insulin to make sure your safe” – As I thought to myself, lady – I’m not a diabetic, I don’t just have a blood monitor around, nor do I have insulin – its not like it grows on trees, it requires an RX – which first off requires a primary care doctor – both of which I do not have……

However, her sentiment, was somehow intuition based. I paused at this, and realized, checking blood sugar, and a way to monitor it on the fly was not only important, but was something I needed at this point. So on to the search…. or rather on to Amazon, the great mall of this time and space – or in the words of a great old movie from Disney – (bednobs and broomsticks) Port-a bellow road

In my hunt, I came across this beauty of a device, that takes my iPhone and turns it into a portable monitor with the use of a cool test trip. (https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/B07G3BNXR6/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o02_s01?ie=UTF8&psc=1)

I feel like this maybe more gimmicky than value, but I’ll be testing it to check, and honestly I’m a sucker for the gimmick thingies when it comes to tech. Now I just need to get past my nervousness of sticking myself – its one thing to let my acupuncturist stick me again and again, or my tattoo artist stick me again and again, or my nurse poke me with some stuff, or the hospital nurse lancet me to check my blood while in the hospital – Sticking yourself requires a slightly different headspace, and it feels like one of those reality show challenges of kitchen nightmare, or bake off or iron chef – with Who will reign supreme – Me or the Lancet. We will see if this is a challenge I am up to, or if I have to lose to the pirate who claims I will not be able to do this…. Sometimes he does win, but I’m stubborn enough to keep trying to beat him, so we will see how this turns out.

Odd spiderweb here, when it comes to Amazon, and its major appeal, it was an interesting thing to me, since about 80% of my purchases are made thru Amazon, and its now super easy to track your spending – but more than that, I use “smile” which is the amazon donating thing, and it was a super super feel good moment to be able to see precisely how much money has been donated, thru no specific action, other than my normal shopping/buying to the cause of my choosing “https://polkadogz.org/ ” – its an animal rescue that my Aunt and Uncle help out, and donate significant amount of human power to support. Its a super feel good thing, to see how much donation I generate for them, based upon selection power only. Thanks Amazon for earning your gold star.

I recently started drinking more matcha tea, and I have to say, it is doing very very good things for me, that coupled with my mud wtr, is a well – its definitely not a lack of caffeine lol – but its all the good stuff in both of these that is helping my body heal, and my mind clear. And on that happy note, I think its time for another cup.

I think I can I think I can

The little engine that could, keeps popping thru my head. If I keep breathing, and I keep plugging along, some things will get easier, I know this to be the truth.

I did 15 minutes today. I walked to the “long away” mailbox. its almost exactly 15 minutes there and back. The weather was beautiful. It started out in the 40s today, and I wasn’t sure it would get warm enough, but I told myself if it was atleast 65 at 2pm I’d do a walk.

Its hard sometimes, 15 minutes seems so short, the walk of 10-15 seems so worthless. I know for a fact its not, but the perception really is reality, so I need to change mine to believe that the time is the time, no matter how much I can do today. Tomorrow will be different, all of the tomorrows.

The treatments get into my brain, with the lymphatic system compromised from the surgery a few years ago that removed just an excessive amount of lymph nodes, the drainage gets stopped up. Drug and medicine gets stopped up in my head, and while on the one hand that’s helpful, on the other its not. I need it to get thru my entire body, and I need it to leave at an orderly fashion as it was intended. The best way for me to ensure and facilitate this, and to promote good processes in my body is to move.

Even when its hard, and I’m tired, and I don’t feel like it, I need to move. They didn’t get across the desert by being complacent and stagnant. They had to move. They didn’t get across the sea by being complacent and stagnant. Every religious leader in all of the stories had their time of movement and time of activity. While I’m not claiming or really even desiring to be a religious leader, the example has been set, the bar has been placed, and I know that for health and wellbeing I need to move.

After much thought and many discussions I have come to accept that a small amount is far far better than none. I’m just trying to reconcile this still. Knowing that the “good” endorphins start to come out after 15 minutes makes it really alot harder to do less than that…. Even if right now, thats all I can manage.

Today when I walked, there was another person walking – a guy he was coming from the other way, and it was … an interesting observation. He also had on a grey shirt and black pants, and his head was bald, he looked like – well honestly I felt solidarity because the sense I got was that he was another fellow cancer survivor. I was going to speak of solidarity as I smiled in passing, but he had a huge scowl – perhaps struggling alot harder in his movement progression – and had his headphones soundly in place. I smiled and waved and kept on with my walk. The sky was beautiful, the weather was the perfect temperature and I still had half the walk to go.

As I passed one house on the way back, I noticed there was a couple outside – I hadn’t noticed this passing on the way out, maybe they weren’t there, but I could swear it was the same couple I saw at the treatment place yesterday.

Yesterday when I had my new shot for hormone suppression – perhaps I should digress a little and explain. I have always had a fear and tremendous anxiety around shots. This has been for as long as I remember, having avoided them like they were some sort of horrendous plague – I recall as either of my parents can easily confirm, from my earliest visits, I would cry, scream, shout cajole and otherwise try and maneuver my way out of the shots I had to get for immunization. I recall this many many times, so much so that they would NEVER tell me in advance if it was time to go to the doctor and time for a vaccination. I feel part of my innate ability to detective, or puzzle things out in advance, my ability to predict and determine what will happen, is from this very factor. I would not know we were going to the doctor until we were almost there, and as soon as we were there, I would immediate seek confirmation we were getting shots, and then I was just simple inconsolable. –

Sorry mom and dad for this, I’m not certain where it came from but I know there is some truth in the fact that strong emotional things linger in our cells, and perhaps it was / is time for this one to go away. I was extremely anxious before the shot yesterday. Not at all anxious about the medicine being injected or anything other than relative to the actual needle in my backside – yes they have to inject this particular one in the rump, its a time delayed type of thing only given once a month, and by injecting it into the meaty part of your tush, it keeps the meds on a somewhat slow release type of thing – which honestly is probably really good since it causes Menopause symptoms as the side effect of all its suppression goodness. Extra hot flashes, with a side of moody, thanks loves, and a sore spot in the tush to remind me that I elected for this….

Sufficed to say, as I waited for the nurse to “prep” the meds, I was sitting in one of the infusion chairs where I would get my chemo treatment, and I was vocal – not so much like a child although I suppose its arguable like a child in an adult version lol – I was whining incessantly to Phil, quite vocally, and I was apparently quite amusing to the couple who was across from me. Apparently they must have had a child with a similar reaction as me to shots! I didn’t get to ask, but their amusement did serve to calm me down somehow.

I had the shot, which thanks to one of my favorite nurses, in my previous weeks lament, had suggested I use the lidocaine I had from the port they installed to make chemo treatments safer and easier, and the conversation the day before at my lab draw with this nurse where I had her mark the specific spot for the injection, and the clever husband who was able to help me get the entire area completely numb before the injection. The shot actually really wasn’t all that bad, I could hardly feel it and it was super fast, the nurse was good. I came back from the shot, and the couple was still laughing, now with me instead of at me, and I was apologizing to everyone in the room for my silly overactive behaviour.

One of the other guests at this infusion place, asked me strikingly: Have you had anything that was worse? To which I replied, that is a trick question, she answered, I know, but my goal is to make you think about this a minute. I did, and I replied, many things have been worse, and I think the anxiety about the shot – I explained to her all of the information above – was the worst. It allowed me to process a little bit, and while I can’t say I’m exactly looking forward to the next shot, I am somewhat appreciative for the opportunity to continue to release these pent up locked up things from inside my cells.

I can craft a newer better me, as I go along this journey. So many opportunities, so many hills left for me to conquer.

Carpe Diem Baby, Carpe Diem.