Good Days

So I’m trying to remodel my …… I’m trying to decide what to call this room in my house that is “my” room. Its technically going to be a guest room, and it is and has been the place where people have come and stayed, with a semblance of blissful privacy I’d like to be able to provide. This room is also “my room” in terms of the room where I should be able to go to and be myself without judgement from anyone else or anything else.

That old adage “Go to your room”… I feel like while it was supposed to be a punishment, it was also a much needed time out and a place maybe more necessary for adults than even as a child, a place that is a respite where one can go to be just with ones thoughts. A meditation room of sorts maybe?

In anycase, I’m trying to get it painted, the first step along the path of a complicated remodel I’ve been debating/considering for about a year.

Its tough when you are me, and so strong willed and so self sufficient, or accustomed to being that way, and so independent… to do something like this… I know the things that need to occur, and the order, but I also am acutely aware that I don’t have the energy or reserves to do them, and that they just aren’t as important, the entire project is not as important as my “job” for healing myself. So when working on this project takes away from the job part, it has to stop and wait for a better time.

Time is something I don’t have alot of… I don’t know what that means, because honestly maybe I have more than some people that don’t even realize they have less, maybe I have less than some that feel they have more… who knows. I have an X factor of time, and I have alot of conditions that are striving to reduce my X factor by a Y factor. Knowing that I have an X and Y factor actually gives me more information than the average person who also has an X and a Y factor but does not’ have knowledge that they exist, and isn’t pressured by society or life to live according to them. Sufficed to say, my hourglass of time is something I’m acutely cognizant of… but trying not to focus on. I digress.

I’m working right now, on the “finding a painter” portion of this project. It took me a long time to have the “come to jesus conversation” with myself internally and give up the irrational hope of being able to do this job myself. I have embraced the fact that it will need to be something I commissioned to get it done. I have budgeted for this, and I took the first step of picking out the paint, and purchasing the paint. Which provided me with a list of painters looking for work. I got the first quote, and it was significantly more than I was expecting. This was a little disheartening. It took alot of mental acumen to put my ego in check and resign myself to hiring people to help, but for the quote to be double my expectation was frustrating. This however, was a blissful opportunity, and is turning out to be more and more so every day. The quote being so high, forced me to do something that in my “get it done fast get it done fast” mentality I haven’t really done of getting a second quote.

This is kinda a no brainer thing that smart people should do, I’m a smart people, but I have been … its not exactly lazy but maybe impatient? and not done this in the past. I have suffered due to this impatience. Its time for that to be over. So, now we get a quote, and I suck it up buttercup and just have a little longer to find out if my expectations were way off base, or if the particular place I had quote was just super high.

In the course of the time, between the deciding to get a second quote, scheduling the second quote, it has come to my attention that there may actually be a great painter in my midst of allies, that might also use this work.

A and I went to the festival for Dwali in down town round rock on Saturday. I could write another whole post about this experience, and how it was … in boiled down version, a mcdonalds version of my experiences in India. Festivals in India are part of what keeps their culture, their societal acceptable things, and generally keeps them able to maintain happiness, all of these are great, this festival was a fast food version, mini fast, and less satisfying than the original, but it was sustenance, and it was camaraderie, and it served the purpose of connecting people all seeking for that feeling of heart, soul, and connection together in one place humbled by the joy of laughing children enjoying the bliss of being alive running around in beautiful colored garments. It was Fun, it was great to catch up with A… She mentioned, when we escaped the festival and went to the local Indian restaurant for dinner, that her sister in law does this type of work…. So maybe I’ll have the perfect fit for this job after all.

Today, the painter for the second quote came. He came before heading to another job, and he honored my request to give the guys time for their morning coffee and quiet time, and this was a huge thing, and I was appreciative.

In discussions, it was an amazing experience. His wife, passed away 2 years ago from a condition where cancer had spread to her brain, thru her lymphatic system. He is still coping with the loss, and I in my typical intuitive fashion forced out tears from someone for emotions they were and have been holding onto that needed to have voice so they could return to bliss and joy. Go Shiva. We talked, he cried, I cried, he gave me a quote for the painting. The quote was about what I was expecting for the job. He left, I hope a little happier than he was before he came.

I don’t know if I will go with him for the job or not, but the feeling was great from the experience. and the whole point of this blog was to share the following.

In the course of my struggles, my demons internally that tell me its time to give up, its time to be done, there isn’t any purpose left for me… in the course of me telling them I have purpose, there are times, when the universe/god/spirit… whatever you call that higher power that is our essence and driving force for being here, does me a solid. I pray daily, and meditate for direction and a sense of being and some sign that I have purpose. I believe I do, I believe I still have a job here on this earth, and that is why I’m alive not dead. But sometimes, when I have doubts…. I get to meet someone like this man, this painter today, and I get to give him a brief moment of solace. And I get to feel that my job isn’t’ done. My purpose is still quite active, and I have tasks that I will still be getting, they will come to me when I am ready to handle them, and I will approach them just as I’m able, and trained.

We all bring a light to this world, we all have a story to share, and this was my chance to share that story. The painter guy, made me crack up and smile when he said, “I wish my wife had looked as good as you do after fighting for a year” — Yeah my ego smirked and laughed a little inside, but the fact is he humbled me with his comment that I’m doing okay.

Today is a good day.

“Slow down. life is to be savoured”

Prologue to this post: This post was originally drafted Sept 30th. Or atleast the first portion was, I was struggling on that day to finish this posting, as for whatever reason, the first part was there, but the rest of the blog just… well, I drafted 2 pages 4 times, and deleted them each time, because I felt like they were things I was selectively deciding not to share. Anyone who knows me, knows this is an atypical thing for me. I am and have always been one of the most singularly oversharing people I have ever known. It has come to my attention in my healing that sometimes that is detrimental to me on an emotional and psychological level, not to mention often obviously taxing on the people around me.

I chose in this moment, in September to honor this wish of my institution and just not share. In discussing with my psychologist after this point, I realize this was both a wise and a timely decision. Sometimes, things, even good random things are just for me. I don’t have to share them for them to be good.

With that prologue provided, this post will be a little bit in two parts, the part that I kept from 9/30 and the part that I added today, and the part that I added today 10/18. Hopefully I can successfully navigate my brain enough to make them fit together somehow. Here goes nothing!


“Slow down! Life is to be savoured!” This is a quote, from one of my mmorpg games, in an expansion that happened to be one of my favorites. It had other really good priceless gems of quotes too, like: “Family. Friends. Food. These are what matter most.” or “May you find mastery in your passions.” Somehow, these random quotes, that the non-player characters would speak in the game in this particular expansion have resonated with me thru time.

This week, was definitely a week of savouring life.

My sister had a birthday this week, and we had decided to spend the day together, just the two of us. It was an amazing day, but it was most amazing because we truly did nothing. We sat, chatted and made Chai tea. There wasn’t anything profound in any of the conversation, we talked, we listened, we shared, we sipped.

It was an extremely satisfying exchange, and felt good. It was a good day. This week, was actually full of good days. This is a blessing that it is definitely worth celebrating.

A couple of interesting things came up for me this week, in terms of learning about myself. I feel, this is my job, to learn, evolve, develop and become a better person. This week, I learned about myself.


Its been a few short weeks, and the things I have learned about myself are innumerable. I have learned that I am the reason my cancer is not gone. Pausing this blog was a first step at honoring things, good things, inside myself that have always been diminished by my almost obsessive need to share too much. Some things are empowering if you hold onto them, and let them light your path.

I have learned that medical testing, although datapoint physical necessary is quite counter to my emotional quota of ability to stay positive. This is something I’m developing tools on, because it is exceptionally counter productive for me to have to do testing for a status report on my physical condition only have the testing itself do more damage than the cancer.

Case in point. I have had a recent rescan of CT, Bone scan, MRI. 2 out of 3 aint bad. The CT shows no active or new cancer with in my body. The Bone Scan shows the active cancer in my sternum is stable, meaning it has not grown or progressed further. The MRI shows that 3 of the tumors, one which was specifically radiated in June, have grown. One of these, significantly, in my cerebellum region, almost doubling in size since the scan in July.

This news is hard to hear, hard to take, hard to do these tests, it is very hard to stay optimistic and positive when what these tests basically boil down to on a physical level for me is that my body is “too healthy” for the chemo to impact the blood brain barrier enough to impact the cancer in my brain and prevent it from feeding off the hormones it so covets. To this end, it means another round of radiation on these 3 spots, and likely 2 other ones in the process for a total of 5 spots, to help weaken the cancer, and doing this within a short period of time of the chemo to try and force a lower enough immune response to let the chemo get into my brain and do its magic on the cancer there. The particular chemo I’m taking right now, it specifically designed to target hormone positive chemos, mine is triple positive – very aggressive cancer, because the food source for this cancer that I’m not really able to regulate or control well is the hormones, and my cancer just eats those up. This chemo works to target the receptors of the cancer and block them from absorption. This makes the cancer weaker, as does the radiation, and while my body will be weaker during these treatments, it should also help identify the cancer more easily to my immune system and allow my body to target and attack the already double wammy weakened cells.

All of this is extremely unpleasant to think about, first the cancer growing so much in such a short time is very discouraging emotionally and a huge ego blow. How did this happen? What did I do that made this happen? Where did I fall off or fail? But more than that, why did I do the MRI at all lol – because I felt great before I knew the cancer was suddenly bigger… and it has to be more than the power of positive energy it has to be more like now that I have a visual my visualizations kills are superior to my positive hopeful skills. This is something I can work on.

I don’t want to do more radiation, however I recognize the enemy of my enemy is my friend. Radiation is definitely an enemy to cancer. Chemo is also an enemy to cancer. While neither of them is my friend, they will allow my immune system to exploit and manipulate the cancer into submission.

I have recognized that there are certain emotional tools that I have had my entire life, that are no longer serving me at this time. I am in the process of changing them. Some of these seem almost in opposition to how I did things previously, and they are all a little bit tricky to master, but I do feel that I must. I feel that my body has been holding onto the cancer as serving a need for me to do things better with other areas of my life.

Life is a balance, and there are precious few things in life that are definitely right or wrong. Most things are completely subjective to the person, experiences, and moment. So Right and Wrong, Good vs Bad comes down to the subjective experience of the individual in the breath when its being evaluated. Having this knowledge about myself has helped me work on repathing some of my natural filters to help me recognize some patterns in my life that have expired, and lived beyond their useful shelflife. This is a struggle, as the best growing things in life are, and while I’m learning I’m not mastering yet, baby steps. I’m metaphorically carrying buckets of water up 5000 steps to try and remember what each step feels like and how the stone and cold feel against my body. As I do these repetitions, each one makes the path seem easier, and more enjoyable, and while I still do not see the ultimate purpose, I know that this is where the goal of eliminating the cancer lives, so I’ll be slogging along until the purpose becomes clear, or until the cancer is gone, either one works. I have reached the ponit where understanding is no longer paramount. Results speak for themselves, and the mysteries of the universe… well I’ll always be curious, but if something is working, I’ll just do it. If something is broken I’ll stop doing it.

I’d like to write a moment about gratitudes. I have a blessed and charmed life. There are so so many good things and wonderful experiences that I have had, and have and look forward to having in the near, short and far future. I cherish the people in my life. They are human, so they have their own mix of flaws, some greater than mine and more obvious, some more insidious for them and harder for them to see, they also have their own gifts, and blessings, which they share often and in abundance with me, and touch me and many other stars in this universal consciousness.

I am grateful for days when I wake, even at the crazy rare hour of 2am, wide awake, and after spending 35 minutes resolving to try and go back to sleep, as even with steroids 4 hours is hardly a good nights rest, but being unable to do so, embrace the fact, and enjoy the thankfulness that knows my body is doing the best it can, and I’m grateful for its help, strength and efforts towards best possible pathways for my life.

I am grateful for all of my friends and family, who experience these journeys, my struggles, their own struggles, the struggles of the world, the environment, and they persevere, they thrive. They have good days and bad days, and we share them to make them all memories and something to be cherished.

I am so thankful for all the prayers, thoughts, and beliefs of my friends, family and even the random strangers like the super cool waitress yesterday at Kerbey who was just totally in the zone with me, and was having so amazing a day that she shared it with me and all her customers. I am just so grateful for these experiences.

I am grateful for the opportunities the universe provides me to watch other people struggle. To catch the people that are having a bad day, and be able to hug them or talk with them, without taking on their struggle, but be able to let them know they are not alone, that there is someone else having struggles, and walking along the path beside them. These used to be things I felt the need to solve, to help right, to find or lead the person to a shorter path. I have learned this is not my job at this time. My job is to observe, and be present. My job is to speak truth, speak harmony, and be the balance. If they come to the balance it is neither my blessing nor my fault Some people are not always ready for the answer when its available, and honestly you can not solve anything for anyone else, only for yourself. I suppose small children are an exception for parents, but I’m not a parent to any other soul on this path, and it is not my job to solve things for any other soul but my own. Finding peace in this resolution is challenging, I am grateful each time the universe leads me to the answer, thru another soul or another event, and allows me to see the harm I have historically created for myself, as well as for others by failing to abide by the concept that I need to save myself first, before I endeavor to save someone else.

I am grateful for love, and the ability to lovingly approach myself each day with overwhelming joy for the good positive things I have in my life. “Family. Friends. Food. These are what matter most.”