Torn between heavy rain and dripping showers

Crossroads are things I’m heavily versed with in my life. I’ve encountered them often, and while I would not so much call them a welcome friend along my path, they are definitely something I have frequently in hindsight considered great opportunities.

At this time, I’m within another cross roads. This one is three dimensional. Its a little different as I can see spiritual impacts from both sides, as well as mental, emotional & physical. Typically in the past, the spiritual has not really been a cross roads.

I’m being presented a choice. Two very divergent paths are very clearly presented to me from a spiritual perspective. They have very different advantages, and disadvantages, and I’m having a challenge committing to either of them fully.

One of the paths, is green and lush, and far easier to traverse. Its much more of the known and a steady somewhat predictable progression. It does however, require he tower for me, necessary removal of many things, and this is a conflicting point of ego for me. This path demands these removals to progress, and the pace of this progression is slow but steady. its the light soft rain of the afternoon shower. It has many pleasures along the path, and while this path is not shorter necessarily then the other, it is significantly different.

One path, is rocky and filled with pitfalls. It has the most amazing views, but it requires significant leaps and shifts. It also requires much more in the moment commitment. It affords amazing experiences beyond my wildest imaginings. However, it also requires separation, and acceptance through more than lip service. It requires undivided commitment to purpose, less distractions, far far less distractions. It has just as many pleasures along the way, but it will also be filled with many trials. Much like only the rough coral surviving being brutalized by the rough waves of the ocean.

My soul is torn between the two paths. My guides are silent. Neither path is right, nor is it wrong. Both paths are equal and valid. For the time being, I can continue to walk along both path ways, but there will come a time in the future, not so distant, that I will need to make a choice. If that time were today, I’m not certain which way I would decide. Both paths have learning and growth for me.

More meditation, more alone time, more silent time to listen to my heart. Perhaps these will bring me further clarity on which path is the one I will chose.

Its been a long week. Evolution has reflected a clear shift in my head this week. I’ve found myself detached from my body several times and experiencing my existence both within and without. Living in the moment, and seemingly simultaneously seeing myself living in the moment. There is a revelation of joy in this experience.

Striving to live in balance with life force energy is humbling. I have found amusement in watching myself get irritated at such small things, like the car that cuts over in front of me and scares me for safety’s sake. I find myself angry and mentally shaking a fist at the driver; while part of me soars above myself, and laughs at how silly that feeling of angst is…. Its almost like the emotions are some how more a part of me – this is hard to explain, perhaps if I talk it out with a seemingly unrelated but intimately related thought.

I remember the last conversation I had with my grandmother. Talking to her in her bedroom. I remember exactly how I felt, because while I knew there was nothing I could do to change the situation, and that there was equally no point in being sad. I also remember feeling powerless, but at the same time blessed with such an enormous gratitude to know that I had been blessed with the time to just be there. In the moment, I was so close to her, so very happy and so very sad all at the same time. The emotions were the same. It was more than a week, close to two weeks later that she actually passed away, quite painfully. She was in a significant amount of pain while I was sitting with her, and I think that is part of the reason I was so able to box all of this torrent of emotion so succinctly. I have always been very empathic and able to feel the pain others are experiencing.*** It was not a physically comfortable situation to be with my grandmother, while at the same time, her very presence had always been the absolute most earthly place of emotional comfort available for me. Where ever she was was home, she was home, like true north. And knowing, with absolute truth, that this would be the last time I would speak with, and hug her in human flesh, while also being restricted from sharing this knowledge and experience with anyone was one of the more challenging things I’ve had to experience in my life.

Being in that moment, was being in the balance. The very same state that my spirit is striving to maintain for me now. When I feel upset or angry, my spirit demands harmonization against those, and forces me to find the humor in myself about the situation.

***Boxing emotions was a necessary coping mechanism I developed many years ago, that I am striving to unlearn now, while it served me for many years, it no longer serves me. Boxing emotions requires tremendous amounts of emotional eating to physically build somewhere to hold those emotions without destroying the vital flow of energy in the body. I need to release these physical boxes, and release the need for emotional eating.

It is an interesting and very busy time for me… many paths, many fronts — and yet the rain this week was as always a refreshing break and promise. A quote I’m loving for 2014

“The cure for anything is salt water – sweat, tears, or the sea”

Ying Yang, and the grasshopper on your shoulder

Lyrics from old disney songs popping through my head, “Mr. Blue Bird on my shoulder” — when I think of Jiminy Cricket – the conscience in your head that tells you the “right” and the “wrong” things to do… what if those filters get screwed up?

The voices inside my head – and yeah I’m not talking about voices of other people, just the sides that represent my balance – the sides of possibilities, of black and white, or clear and hazy — health or glutton… Physical or sedentary – they have been in a more climatic battle lately…

Up until last year, I’d say that for the majority of my post teenage life, there has been a calm peace between these two sides, the one side has been far the more dominant, and I have been mostly content – with a few hiccups now and again – to allow some of my more hedonistic tendencies to reign supreme.

Last year things changed, and that side of my personality, Finally, took a back seat. My true personality, the personality that remembers things from my very young childhood that had been buried. The side of me that likes to jump, and skip and hop, and run and walk and laugh – and is so so much less concerned about eating, and so much more concerned about living. That side of me, took the drivers seat.

It was a thrilling experience, I finally felt like myself. Really me, and I started dropping weight, eating healthy, taking care of myself and all the things that made me happy. I felt strong. I felt empowered, I felt that other peoples drama and opinions didn’t matter as much – its not that I didn’t share empathy, and compassion its more that I was so wrapped in the warmth of my true self that they were powerless to hurt me, harm me, or suck me into them.

A few things happened that added some hiccups. Having been buried since young childhood, ague-able 9 or 10, this side of my personality did not have as much real life experiences to relate to the deceptions and manipulations of the people in my life. It was ill equipped to deal with these situations. The emotional experiences of last year also added to this a bit, and even the lost weight, as it was such a drastic change. It impacted how other people interacted with me, and it was hard not to recognize the difference.

I’ve always been easily distracted – Squirrel – shiny treasure, Blue rock – and these distractions took me off center. the two aspects of my personality started fighting for who would reign supreme.

It started like a iron chef – with both sides presenting arguments — and my negative side, or the side of my personality that has had dominance for more than 30 years of my life started to step in and fight. Maybe it had felt (I had felt) that the other side was a phase, that I’d get lazy again and welcome it back with open arms (never left) — The holidays happened, and both sides agreed to an amnesty — we would balance things. We would enjoy many things but not overindulge. Overall, I think that things were going along well — but I was lulled into complacency — and this is the tool of this negative side.

My true personality is fighting back – its trying to struggle to encourage me, to help me follow the correct path – but sometimes I catch myself after the fact and I just can’t seem to understand how or why I did something. Like I’ll pray and start the day off with full intentions of eating only healthy food, and staying true to my goals. Then I’ll find myself having eaten the piece of chocolate cake; so quickly it was hard to blink but realize it was gone – and I didnt’ really even enjoy it. But now Ive had the calories. — And while I know that guilt is ~ Also ~ a tool of this side of my personality, I am struggling to try and figure out exactly how that happened. Why did I not have strength in the moment of the decision? Where was my solid resolve at that time? Where was the decision, how did I just slip so easily into compliance? Why did I slip into compliance? This side of my personality, the facade side, it is not compliant. It is a fighter, it was a struggle last year to stay on course. It wants to be a backseat driver, constantly telling me ‘you were good enough’ — ‘you don’t have to do that today, if you don’t want to’ — ‘you could always do that later’ — ‘one little bit won’t hurt’ (Like hell it won’t, it will make me want and feel the need for another bite, and another and then I’ll have finished the whole bag and sit back and wonder why I had the first one, when I wasn’t even really hungry)

So many things in life have dichotomy. We talk of a clean planet, as we drive our gas guzzling plant killers to our corporate jobs, where they pay us to do mind numbing tasks that inevitable deplete more of the resources through the serial killer-“Business” —- Seems like such a harmless word, but please tell me about one “Business” that made a profit, that didn’t take advantage of someone else. Its not like they give away the results of their efforts, there is always some bottom line, and things have to balance — those “things” are the taking from one person, and selling to another. Sometimes taking involves money of buying, but thats just a repetition of this same process. We talk about improving education, as we numb our minds like drones in front of the latest nonsense of Tv or Internet, “enter – Tain- Ment” — Interesting the etymology of that word — Lip service to one, and action to the other, mental thought, energy towards one, attitude, resources towards the other.

Its that fine line between too cold, and too hot – and whom you ask in which circumstance makes all the difference.

The Light and Dark – day and night — everything has its opposite. They must be in balance. My thought or question is, does my life require 30 years in the opposite dominance to balance? Is this the harmony I’m seeking? — I’m not happy right now; in the midst of this Chernobyl of my mind. It feels like things must come out or I’ll explode.

Started reading a book, I’ve picked up and put down many times over the past couple of years. I have this distaste in reading books that pontificate too much. I know thats a little subjective – the idea of this book is interesting, and I don’t disagree with the writer at all, but if one more time she goes off into what should be some happy go lucky beautiful description where she says effectively “you just had to be there to appreciate it” — I’m going to find her and shove this book down her throat. — The book is about Dolphins & Whales. I completely understand the message, and I am not blind to the information, I would just like to shoot the messenger 🙂 (Okay not really, but the idea fit in line with the rest of the thought)

Have a training class tomorrow and Sunday I’m very much looking forward to — Reiki certification class. Its the first steps on a many faceted pathway. I recognize that these two days will be intense and that they are just truly the first babysteps to recapturing something I have had in many situations in my distant past. On the one hand, I’m thrilled, on the other I’m terrified. I have debated canceling this class over and over and over in my head – its not that I don’t want to attend, its that I am not certain with all this internal conflict if this is the best time. Even as I type this, I’m realizing its precisely the best time, for precisely the reason of this internal turmoil. Guess I’ll be extra happy I didn’t give into the voice saying “you can do it later”…

I wonder if I’ll realize and find that my upcoming trip is much this same thing… Here is hoping so …

Failure is a step in the process

Lessons are not always a pleasant experience. Sometimes they are painful, gut wrenching, heart burning, stress inducing situations. It is from these most unpleasant gems of existence that some of the finest more treasured diamonds manage to spark forth.

To quote the finale title of a favorite series “All good things…”

The beautiful part about that is, whether its a good or a bad — every lesson eventually comes to its close. The goal is to have learned the lesson, mastered the skill or message, and not have to experience precisely that same situation again.

Sometimes I’m hard headed, sometimes my ego decides I am above the experience, above the lesson. This is not the case, in these instances, I often must repeat the lesson, to help me gain better clarity. Usually these repeats are somewhat more nasty and more grueling then the first time.

Atleast in my life, I’ve found — if I’m able to accept gracefully the lesson I am being taught, the outcome is usually significantly more favorable and desired then if I’m dragged kicking and screaming to the outcome. The outcome remains the same, but my experience and resistances causes a loss of other opportunities.

I’ve been led to a crossroads recently – a fork in the road is not exactly appropriate, more the expression would be the Tower from the tarot — “The necessary removal of something” – its time for me to change jobs. I have been “wanting” this crossroads for a significant amount of time, but it wasn’t until just recently that the stars have aligned in a somewhat manner of speaking to show me a pathway towards this new experience.

Much like many new experiences, I’m nervous. Not so much afraid, I have plenty of support in this decision, and it will not be a fast process, it will likely be a up and down emotional process for the whole interview, application, screening, waiting process — but its time. There is no uncrossing this bridge now that I’ve reached it.

Was talking to a friend, and former colleague about this today over lunch. How choosing to remain would be detrimental to my health, it is more taxing on me each day I remain. I count it as a blessing that the time to transition has arrived, I hope that it works out with haste and grace.

This transition should remove me from an environment that has become stagnant for an area of my life I had not realized required transition. I’m glad that this realization has come to me, and that I will be able to journey down this new path. It will be a difficult road to traverse, but I have confidence that I will persevere.