Sometimes the lemonade is so so sweet

So we had no power for 20 hours. It was during a time when P was off, and the temperature was moderate – and while having no power for that amount of time is inconvenient in this modern day and age, of all the times it could have been it was outstanding in its delivery of “less” – so its fair to say that the lemons we were able to turn into some outstanding lemonade. We learned, we came, we saw, we conquered.

Many times in life things are going to be “not good” – how we chose to measure that “not good” is infinitely personal and I’m choosing to measure this time as a win. Both P and I were able to curb our bad emotional desires to just order out, and we slung that food like the best of them and cooked at home. The rewards are outstanding – there really isn’t anything that we get delivered that is nearly as good or healthy as the food that comes out of our kitchen.

I’ve noticed the scale has finally called uncle and has started to swing the pendulum – its also allowing me to be “less starving” all the time – I’m finding more and more alot of my “hunger” is emotionally not physically generated. Driving to the “lake” — aka Buchanan dam or lake granger are helping. While the one is so so much closer, the other includes a much longer drive.

P & I have been toying around with the idea of driving to Olympia – and yesterday watching him struggle to drive after being so so tired was a sure fire way to convince me that it truly isn’t a viable thing. We are not spring chickens anymore, and driving for 33 hours is not a small thing – even if we break it into 3 days its still 12+ hours a day – and we would need to take Starbuck with us so it would probably be even longer days with stops to let him move around/walk. I love the idea though, its so so great to pie in the sky a super longer driving trip thru parts of the country I’ve never seen. I even plotted it out and planned “stops” along the way. Was a super fun exercise for me — but a little sad at the “what haves” that could have been, cause there just isn’t a world in which this is possible today.

In the course of talking with P we have discovered the source of his vehemoth hatred of trips – he passionately dislikes airports – the entire process at the airport including the time – like waiting at the gate. While I don’t understand this, I respect his distillation of discomfort – its not that its an overly pleasant place for me either, but compared to all the other things I do that I have passionate distaste or dislike for — aka Medical things — the airport discomfort seems so so small, and I spend the time focusing on the fun that will be a byproduct – I see the effort as producing result.

Something I’ve learned, I have a pretty high tolerance for “doing things I don’t like” and or “discomfort” if the results justify/produce the desired outcome. Focusing on the goal. Or starting the project with the end in mind. Seeing those results vividly and keeping them as the attention rather than the discomfort of the moment which too will pass.

It was interesting to notice how truly quiet our house is without any power once the batter back ups stop squealing every few seconds to let us know “yes yes the power is still out” …. I also was made aware of how I’m pretty darn good at accommodating for this – as I had candles close and at the ready so we had “an ambient glow” — atleast for a few hours into the night – which I have to say was pretty helpful as “finding the toilet” would have been significantly more challenging in the black of night.

Overall, Life is good.

Taco Wed were taking it back

So many things going thru my head right now. I’m tired. I slept long enough last night, although bluntly who knows how long is long enough – sufficed to say I slept long enough to be more awake than tired, and able to get up happily and function.

I started my day off with a bang – started chai, started coffee, cleaned up kitchen – started laundry – all the chore things that a few months ago were alot less activation energy than they are now – thats life I guess — it seems to be life amidst the pandemic for alot of people. Activation energy is at a premium. Will things get done? The world may never know.

Today was filled with doing things from one task to the next before my mind or body had time to tell me it was too tired. These are normal routine things I know I can do. I’m tired now, but its a good tired its a tired from activity that makes me happy – and my house smells like tacos & chai — oh I forgot to mention — chopped cheese, made pico, making tacos …. three loads of laundry done.

Juicing might have to wait for tomorrow – I’m planning to make some juice out of my celery and the omg thats alot of ginger from costco — both juice and a simple syrup from the ginger so I can have all the homemade gingerale my little heart desires.

Dr appts were – as usual – a pita. Its a balancing game – while I need some of the things that they offer, I don’t need the headache they provide.

I found out today, thru the course of my – well Alethia’s wonderland — aka alethia insanity – — that P has not watched Aladdin….. Let me give a moment for that to sink on — like OMFGO how has he not watched this Disney movie that is so pivotal to alot of my expressions and thoughts, and more importantly HOW HOW have I missed that he has not watched this for almost 24 years?!? — I’m furmongled — which is part of my colloquialism but apparently google doesn’t recognize cause I can’t check the spelling — dictionary found it to be synonymous with “unglued” which is pretty much the definition I’m using. Long story short – I’ll be adjusting this travisty in the near future – this just pushed to the top of the “P must watch” list — its becoming more extensive, and I really should impliment some “table” to this list rather than just having it be an obscure thing.

I mean I realized the other day when I was talking to my mom and sis that we don’t watch things – we haven’t watched our ginormous tv in …. well more than six months – and the last movie i watched was early in 2020.

Its amazing to me how much of movies and music influence our thought patterns and habits — and amazing how much I’ve been isolated from them and how it has made me more cognizant of my own patterns and habits – Balance in all things.

Overall Life is good.

Some days are better than others

There was an old jingle from so so long ago “Michelob, some days, Michelob lite some days, Michelob dry some days …. are better than others”…. Its stuck in my head – I have to my knowledge never had a Michelob, and would not bother to try them but the jingle did what markters hope, it got stuck in my brain in a way that its taking up landscape that could be perhaps enjoyed by other more dynamic things.

My sister and I went to London recently and it occurs to me, I don’t remember going thru customs – I recall her being so excited because her passport finally had a stamp in it – and I “know” we had a driver set up to pick us up — I recall alot of the drive to the hotel as I was engaged with the driver. The experience for customs – I can “invent” in my mind – I’m quite good at Imagineering – thanks Disney for that expression – I can imagine what it would have been like to go thru, having gone thru many times in the past; after a long travel flight, but I don’t honestly recall the experience.

We had dinner early yesterday evening, and I was <again> as seems to happen alot lately, freezing cold. I stepped outside after dinner and sat in my chair which – typical Texas – was quite warm in the late afternoon, early evening. I fell asleep. After about an hour outside, I opted to retire for the evening, which ofcourse has me up quite early. Something P said yesterday struck me, and is still rolling around in my brain. He feels I am often quite tired, but I push myself to stay awake thru sheer will alone.

Somehow his words ring very true, which is why they are still rolling around. Right now as I type this, its earlier than 5am, and I’m awake – having woken at a little after 3 and tried to convince myself to sleep, but Michelob had other plans. So I rose to greet the day, but was it my wakeful ness in the midst of tired or is that sheer will alone? I don’t know.

There were crusty things and an overall redness in my left eye this morning, not both only the left – the side of my body that is struggling with a few challenges of late – extra lymph in my leg and arm. Now the eye has joined its flight of fancy.

The things that strike me lately are … quite diverse, I don’t know if they have always been or just more so now – I was having a rough Monday, when I went for my injection/labs, and one of my favorite nurses asked me the usual “psychological questions” — for documentation purposes a little preamble here about the fact that every visit to the Oncology office is riddled with a survey of “how are you doing”…. I don’t know who or what they use this “data” for but — I do know its been many visits of information captured about “me” – well, and every other patient that has cancer – it asks about 15 standardized questions of “how are you doing” type nature – most of which I just breeze past 95% of the time with a 0 on a 1-10 scale of “are you doing okay”…. except pain which I normally put between 2-3 depending upon the day — well this Monday pain was alot higher than usual – so I indicated a 6 – which one of my favorite nurses, as she shares my sisters name, and a general overall kindness that is contagious – was shocked, as I had in her experience never indicated such a dramatically high level – she commented about that, and provided extra sympathetic support —— I often feel like the nurses go above and beyond to provide for not only our physical, but also so many other types of support – it really is a thankless job that they do — Reminder to myself to express my gratitude to them over and over again. Somehow her expression of surprise and shock were engaging to my mind, and while I don’t recall her precise words of sympathetic support, it was … well it got my mind flipping it over and over again like a pancake.

The medicine I am on causes depression. I am perpetually on the look out for “these” signs. My feelings the past day or so have been down in that alley kicking the ball around with the boys from the badside of the town. I should not be in this place, its neither healthy nor constructive for me – but its challenging to leave.

My brother shared a picture of my niece and my mom with me and it was so great, it was a beautiful photo and it was incredible to see the resemblance to my mother in the baby. I reached out to my dad to let him know I wish he were here to see her – she is such a gift, a cherished present in these tumultuous times in which we are living. A shining ray of hope in a dark place.

I have to remind myself that hope springs eternal – like so many of those streams and waterfalls in my mind from childhood memories of vacations driving thru the blue ridge mountains. Just like the water over the rocks, hope is always there. Much like the words of the Desiderata – “… and whether it is clear to you or not, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should…. It is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy. “

Life is good.

The side effects of life

Ive found, that over my 48 years I have a side effect of putting other people before myself – that is NOT to say that I’ve had no times of being ultra selfish – more that the % of the norm — I’m saying over 75% of the time, my desires and needs have taken a back seat to the needs of the people I love around me.

This has been a self preservation technique I learned at a very young age as a peacemaker.

While I recognize that time of my life is over, its very hard to just turn off the faucet and flip the switch. I can “see” what I need to be doing, asking for, working on – but its not my “go to” — and its often somewhat uncomfortable for me. I mean on the one hand, its nice to have the discomfort be something other than physical – this or that or this is getting quite old – its not usually debilitating, but the physical discomfort is with me often – but its nice to have it be mental/psychological discomfort – however its encouraging alot of other bad patterns that are impacting the physical.

The medications I am taking on the regular have this wonderful side effect of causing suicidal/mass depression. I came to terms with these things a long time ago, and I recognize their tendrils. There are days where its alot harder to tell them to STFU. I’m doing. I’m surviving. working very very hard on thriving.

P and I are talking about taking a trip to south padre so I can get my “beach” urge satisfied — I’ve never been there so it will atleast be new if it isn’t what I’m seeking exactly – the challenge is that Starbuck needs to come with us – so finding a place that will meet my needs, and his is a challenge – and of course P gets to be the chauffer for this mad adventure so we will see how it goes. The planning part is seeming like a significant amount of work – and while I’m still early in my cycle of healing, my activation energy is low.

We took a drive this past weekend to Bastrop and it was … very good for me to get out of the house and zen.

Got to spend some time with my little sister – who is doing amazing things.

Life is good.

Educate your mind

… and the rest will follow… — Okay so apparently I looked it up and its actually “free your mind and the rest will follow”

80s song by En Vogue – which is … oddly more appropriate for the day and age than the thought I’m having.

So so happy about my sister graduating – she got her official diploma for her bachelors just before mothers day and I am just so so grateful from the universe that I was able to attend – all be it virtually.

She has started exploring her possibilities and its amusing to me to watch P start to get motivated by her achievements – gotta keep the pace buddy – so she is so much more an inspiration to him for somethings than I could ever be to encourage him to go back and study more and get his PHD.

We were exploring last night, and found a program that atleast seems interesting to him. He, as usual. doesn’t feel qualified to apply – to which I just smile and shake my head – knowing full well that they would be BLESSED and grateful to have him.

He had a day yesterday – hell we have both had a week. Chaos is strong with us right now – so much in flux so much dynamic going on.

One of his co-workers – distant one gave him kudos – and he was able to help the guy solve a problem – much like the ones he himself has recently been struggling with – in record time. They guy was so grateful, and so surprised when P was not only willing to help but super fast and able to get to the root and solution very quickly.

He is an incredible guy, and this is a very trying time for him. Its trying for me, this infection on top of all the other things just won’t go away.

Insert Alethia Insanity here: I’ve had some meditations/dialogues with the bacteria invading my body – they have explained they have been here for decades and they are offended at my resent attempts to rid them of their happy homes. I’ve expressed that the greater good of the whole machine is the objective and there is no home if that falls apart. Negotiations are somewhat at a stand still, so unfortunately a new round of a new antibiotic is invading the rest of the happy homes of the carefree supportive gut biome that is keeping me alive – time to figure out how to raise the oceans without completely eliminating florida – I mean heck it has some nice places.

Today is a chai day – yesterday my body decided to wake me at 2am, and I tried for half hour to convince it to sleep – we ended with me acquiescing – it was a small battle to lose – there were obligations involved with this – I made P his jalapeno poppers – and I baked – the thing that my mind wouldn’t let go to use up the rest of the flax seed flour taking up landscape in my kitchen.

So the baking adventure started with me using my mask — unfortunately snotting all over the inside of my mask – time for a replacement — to protect from the Jalapeno juice/spices that always end up making me take three times as long for the “breaks to breath” from the heat – they are especially hot this year ESPECIALLY – so the act of washing, clipping and cleaning somehow produces this enormous cloud of “heat wave” across my kitchen – I thought i was being clever to use my mask – hell its an application for it right? — Um apparently when the air the mask blows in comes from just outside where the jalapeno juice is…. its not really protection from that 100% — I will say I didn’t need breaks, I was able to do the whole thing in the original 10 minutes and the mask did catch most all of the post nasal drip that my sinus like to provide when I give them an irritant – of any variety “raises fist in mock curse of the ragweed and other pollens” — I digress.

So after throwing his poppers in the oven, it was “time” to endeavor to experiment with my cooking ponderings. Flax flour, eggs, garlic/onion powder, salt, pepper, greased pan, shredded cheese, 3 jimmy dean sausages — 50 minutes …. and I had something similar to a frittata/.quiche ? but apparently after cooling an hour didn’t ever set up completely in the middle. I tested the sides, and it turned out beautiful on the outside 1/3 both sides, and I was able to salvage the sides of the middle so I got roughly 3 – 1 inch pieces — add a little salsa and a little sour cream and we will call it “bbas” breakfast bites alethia style — a little more time consuming and maybe a tad more labor intensive than just frying eggs – but kinda interesting and I think I can tweak this.

Today just chai – well I started another batch of my cold brew to continue to be able to enjoy Nitro – we have started making that here at home, and its just so so smooth – P has looked at a device to allow me to make more than “one a day” using the whip cream maker – but its just not …. well it would be a 1 hit wonder appliance and we already have so many of those, and its likely to end up in the hands of my brother for beer …. its basically a 64 oz container that allows you to “Nitro” just about anything – so I’d be adding cold brew, and it would save me 1 cartidge and potentially 1 day of labor – as I’d only have to clean/sort it out every other day when I ran out of coffee – its actually more like 54 oz of coffee — to allow room for the gas to permeate — while it would definitely be stronger nitro I don’t know if that’s a good thing, and I can’t imagine it would be as easy to clean as my little one considering its super fast. So we wait for our super cool new coffee maker that has been on back order since last year – and is scheduled to come before third quarter – my faith is strong but not abundant that this date will stick.

Life is good.

Darkmoon Faire

There is a game that I play on the regular called WOW or worlds of warcraft. It has a place, a magical island that shows up once per month per faction to allow “players” to visit and experience a carnival. I remember doing carnivals when I was little – the little gypsy things that would set up in the grocery store and be magical. This is a virtual version of the carnival. There are quests, pets, all sorts of things only available from the place.

Today has been one of those days, where I am struck by the parallels between medical and gypsy carnivals. They are both offering something esoteric in their design that isn’t exactly what it says it is in either case.

There were things. — Truth be told, many of them.

People were humans – How Dare They!!!

I evolved.

There is a part of me that learned some lessons and some tools today. More things to be aware of, sort of like traffic lights verses stop signs – they both serve the purpose of regulating and controlling traffic – however some are designed with larger audiences in mind.

Thoughts are sort of like Jello and deciding to firm up in my head.

Its been a few days/weeks since I blogged, so I figured I’d toss a few words up to download whats in my head.

People are great. People suck. There is no extreme or conflict in these two statements, its just how it is – there is a blessing and gratitude of being alive to experience them.

Basically I’ve found I probably need alot more sleep ideally on the regular, but there is just so much life to experience and I’m here to enjoy.

Life is good.

Its may

May Day activities are virtual now, so I’ll just swing my birthday sasha and prance around the virtual may pole and celebrate.

Everytime the First of May rolls around, I hear the song from the musical Camelot – I have to give a big shout out to my motherinlaw for turning me onto musicals at a young enough age that the passion for them kinda stuck – Camelot is one of my favorites – and they do this amazing May Day song… Sorta happiness in a chord.

I’m trying out a first version of a new granola recipe today. If this works out, its a little more complex than my chai to make, but not much and I’m excited at being able to control the sugar – if it doesn’t work out — well it will be tasty either way, just not quite the granola I’m seeking …. so we tweak baby!

I enjoy cooking a bit, more baking – the aspect of developing/creating my own recipes and seeing them produce such fabulous things.

Another thought that is Alethia Insanity 101 came to my mind last night when I was doing my wind down meditations.

I have been PCOS my whole life. I’ve also been overweight since the age I hit puberty. This somewhat goes hand in hand in my opinion – something “breaks” in my body when it hits over a particular weight threshold and does not produce enough hormones. This has been – well from MY perspective, not something medical or scientific – but from an intuition perspective…. with what I’m dealing with in the big C – and the fact that it is triple positive and super aggressive – this is kinda a good thing.

The particular flavor of cancer in my body loves hormones, its also ridiculously aggressive and tends to move alot faster than I’ve been able to see — but I feel this is likely due to the fact that a normal human body producing more hormones is feeding it alot more of a smorgasbord of a diet. I have been … well being in a state where my body isn’t producing extra hormones may have actually be helpful.

This thought/intuition was brought about by something P said, and something I replied to that was… a left field response unexpected and was totally true — I wondered about it for a brief bit, but my head decided to produce an answer….. Goodness knows if its right.

So I think I’ll go back to my May Day bliss and wrap up with my Life being Good.