Category Archives: Books

Fall Dayz

Inspiration hit me today, like a brick to my head. I feel alive, I feel inspired. I feel like a mexican jumping bean ready to bounce out of my clothes.

Now to hold onto this, and let my muse guide me. Muse in the oddest place, in the seriously oddest location. More on this some other time.

I’m in a good place, and my head feels happy.

Today was workout number three of this week, trying to get back to hour long workouts daily, but its a slow process.

It was identified through several sources to me over the past few weeks, that this healing I’m doing is a multiple year project. 3-5 years, of working on curing. Two parts to that, the working, and the curing. The curing comes naturally from the effort and work I’m putting in, but the working was something that I identified, and now it has a i/o to go along with it.

Aha, inspiration you are a tempting old soul. Always lingering so close to touch, but then dancing away like a fairy on a nectar buzz, but not this time. This time, I have you held close, bundled up in my mind of a crafty writers ploy that I already know will work, and I am just so so happy.

Time to sit back and roll around in this feeling. I understand now why clean dogs roll around in the mud, because it’s this feeling, this wonderful feeling of knowing something that all I have to do is enjoy it. Well, welcome to my mud. Thanks for sharing the roll.

The path to ultimate powerful spiritual fulfillment and the rock in the shoe.

So the title of this post makes me smile. I’ve come, more and more to realize as I grow, as I learn, as i evolve, that the rock in the shoe – the small annoyance that keeps blistering my feet; this IS the path to ultimate powerful spiritual fulfillment. Somehow its the ability to recognize that the rock is there, and what its providing, and to be happy and satisfied in that moment. To breath, and let it go, and in doing so, to realize that it slowed one down, and made one more accurately aware of all the other blissful things that were surrounding in that moment.

There have been multiple examples for me this week of some tools I have been given, provided that I am trying to use incorrectly. The most profound one for me is my mouth, my voice. Have always had a very strong internal voice, and the ability to call forth for the things that I need and the things that I want, but somewhere along this life, I was taught that if there was an expectation of someone providing it it was good to actually actively physically vocalize that need, that want. The lessons I’m being taught now; the lessons I’m struggling with, is the knowledge that while this tool of vocalizing is effective, it is also redundant, and many times elicits much more of a struggle than there need be in obtaining the things that I need.

This time in history, this day and age, people are for the most part open. The energy is flowing at a rapid rate, and things are provided according to needs, and desires. Vocalizing these needs and desires, not only creates the potential for struggle, it also creates the potential for misinterpretation, and conflict. While its appropriate some of the times, for the most part for me right now, the things I need, the things I most want in life; its counter productive. It is pushing those very things further away.

Finally set some goals for myself for the next period of time, and I’m happily on the path towards them. They require tolerance, patience, confidence, and creativity – all skills I possess in great abundance. In awakening to the awareness above, it has been as if a burden has been lifted off my shoulders, I feel lighter. I feel happier. This does not mean or maintain that every desire of my heart will be granted to me, nor does it mean that all of my needs will spontaneously be met, but it does mean that I can relinquish the need to maintain control over these things, and in doing so, find enjoyment and contentment in the experience.

Techniques that I find for me work. Breathing. Its such a basic thing, such a fundamental thing, such a critical thing, and such an overlooked and wildly wickedly amazingly inspiring powerful tool. Its amazing how many disappointments, hurts, losses, fears, anxieties, struggles, conflicts, heartbreaks… just an extra breath, and then another, and then another, deep and profound breaths, pressing life force in and out of the lungs, feeling the lungs expand and contract, feeling the blood flow through empowered by the breath. Its amazing how comforting, and empowering that breath can be — While Love/compassion can overcome all trials, breath can overcome all emotions.

Its important for me to type things things out, to remind myself to use these techniques. The same as I’ve found myself teaching a few strategies, techniques, and simple information to a number of souls. Each time that I share some small insight, I have found that new layers of that insight swell and take root in my spirit, allowing me to even more deeper apply the lessons to my own life. This is not a path to enlightenment I would have imagined, but this is the path that I’m on, and I am blessed, and humbled and open to receiving further direction.

There have been many times in life when I have asked the universe to provide a teacher, some cosmic person with all of the answers to all of my questions, to direct and to guide me down this path. What I’ve come to realize is that all of the people that I have brought into my life at one time or another, they have been those teachers. My internal spirit is strong, it knows where the path lies, and it has guided me along this road through a weaving web of experience. This is not to claim perfection, more finally to claim understanding of the fact that I do not, in this lifetime require someone else as a leader to my self directed learning. The more I try and put people into this role, the more I will continue to find them to be human and lacking, verses gleaning the wisdom to which they have been led to provide. The time of my self reflection of all things past is rapidly coming to an end. it is too hard to stay centered in the present, by dwelling on the beauty and dregs of the past. Likewise, it is also too difficult to stay centered on the present, when one is tapping and delving into the promise or the potential of the future. The present moment is all I have, and I will be working harder to cherish it, to thrive in it, and to seek the beauty, love and wisdom in the moments.

Have always liked the expression that life is an hourglass with grains of sand that fall, its been a beautiful analogy for me for a long time, something visual for my mind to lock onto to try and realize the symbolism the import of that one moment of passing from the future to the past, that one instant in the center when time stands still and there is just being. There is also somewhat a flaw in this analogy, because in the awareness of the future leading to that moment, and in the awareness of the past of having been in that moment, there is a loss of the actual experience of being in that moment. That moment is all that matters, the rest, is inconsequential and is a distraction designed to do exactly what it is most effective at doing, keeping one from maintaining that state of blissful center in the moment.

Went to the movies yesterday with D; she went with me, because it was something I wanted to do with her. Specifically. When I arrived to pick her up, it became aware that things were not as they should be, so I lent her some of my Reiki to help bring her a little bit more harmony a little bit more balance. I was actually able to quiet my curiosity, my mind from bombarding her with questions trying to get to the bottom of the reason – to explain the why things were not right; as I was told quite acutely by my internal guides, that this was precisely the wrong thing to do in that moment – or any other for that matter. It was both this piece of information that brought me to awareness of the fact that I often; through simple curiosity – a trait I’ve often found to be one of my most favored, one of my strongest skills; pulled other people out of that place in the moment through over utilization of this curiosity. It was a humbling moment, and rather than dwell on the past experiences, I chose to nod at the knowledge, and to internalize it for application in future moments when it would be needed.

D seemed a little better, and the movie was fun.

Sometimes the books that come to me, are not meant for the moment when the book comes, but to be buried treasure for some point down the line, and my job is just to not struggle, and to embrace the book when it arrives, and gracefully wait until the time to read it. This is the case with the book I’m very much enjoying now. Its one I have struggled trying to read since it was first published, its been out more than 10 years now. Many times, I have picked up this book and put it down, and many times I have forgotten it completely. This time however, in the moments when I am finding great pleasure in enjoying it, its like it was written by me in this moment in time, at precisely the words my heart needs to speak. One of the quotes that most struck me today is the following “You have no idea how strong my love is!!!!!” — in the passage, the author is having a breakthrough moment passing out of the ego in meditation by taking the helm with that expression. While its not one I have personally utilized, it resonates so strongly with me today, for this moment in time.

Its funny to me that the most comforting things to me in all of life are so small and so seemingly innocuous – just like that small pebble in the shoe.

Fortune Smiles

Luck be a lady tonight.

This blog, is going to be out of order from my posts, I still have a couple I need to finalize, but meh they are not fun, and this one is fun.

Sometimes there are things that require attention, and this time this one does.

As I pen this post, I’m sitting in a coffee shop in Seattle, one of my favorite cities on the planet. Something about this place just sinks into my skin and makes me content.

The weather here is what could accurately be called abysmal, dark, overcast, grey, and perpetually alternating between cool and warm with the waves of humidity, wet and dry — although more often wet with a slight chance of soaking wet through the perpetual drizzle.

Still somehow, this is perfect for me, it represents everything about humanity in my eyes. Deeply troubled, struggling for purpose, answers, logic, with no idea what lies just beyond the edge of the horizon. Stuck down in the midst of the perpetual turmoil of existence, thriving and seeking always seeking, knowledge, passion, source, heart, answers, always seeking.

Since my love affair began with this city, about 5 years ago on my very first visit, the universe has blessed me with an opportunity each year to return, at a slightly different time, to confirm as I have suspected, that this is a place I could call home.

This year like the others, an opportunity arose, and once again I pounced on it, in cat like form. D had a conference here she wanted to attend, and being the ever supportive big sister I am, I offered to tag along and shelter part of the bill to make certain she could enjoy herself in this trip and not have the added burden of financials to worry about.

As the conference she is attending is at the airport hilton, we are staying at that hotel, which is quite an advantage over all. It has afforded me the chance for a respite from driving, from a vehicle, while still offering the luxury of convenience travel. Its literally across the road from the airport, and the light rail, a mass transit system for the city that goes from the outlying areas into the heart of Seattle.

Today during this week long adventure into an art form I have only been exposed to through the development and career my sister has been traversing for the past few years. And I must say, its quite enjoyable to watch the camaraderie and interactions of both the known and the unknown and generally the people becoming so much more self aware, and confident. This art form is a blessing for many of those in life, this world we share, that have issues, as I did previously being comfortable in their own skin. It helps with teaching the embodiment of positive self image, and empowerment through a truly beautiful device. Its a nurturing community, where people of all shapes, sizes, and backgrounds can come together with the joint purpose of art.

Also, the beautiful men and woman make for magnificent eye candy all around the hotel, and convention center, god bless you each and every one for being so willing to showcase your bodies with such confidence for my feasting eyes. Yeah I guess this means I have some perv tendencies; there is something quite intoxicating to me in people having self confidence in their bodies, its like a drug, may I never get enough of it.

In this trip, I have set several goals. Some of them more intimate and personal, others more generic and on behalf of others. There is the goal to pick up a Seattle mug for a colleague for her collection, my collection already containing several. There are the gift cards I promised to my usually coffee hang out manager. Then there was the goal of meeting, greeting, hugging and feeding a kind soul I’ve met online that has listened to me lament my life struggles and has calmly offered a willing ear.

Today, this meeting was the goal. I popped across the street to the light rail and hopped on board to travel down to the preselected meeting place, Pioneer Square. Having requested that BK select the place for our meet up, both tasking him with selecting the restaurant, after several hashing out conversations of types of food, style of food, we both agreed on Thai – a favorite for both of us, and something with ample quality selections. Being as how this is his haunt, and I would be intruding in his work day, I requested that he pick the locale for our meeting also, hoping he would – as was the case – select a place close to the restaurant, and easily accessible by the rail.

On the rail, which was surprisingly easy both to get to, get into, purchase a ticket for, and to negotiate. As well as being surprisingly fast, it only took me about 40 minutes – about the same amount of time if I had been in a private car for the actual drive. I met an interesting lady, that chose to sit next to me on the ride.

We struck up a conversation, and talked about this that and the other thing on the ride. She asked for my feedback about a personal relationship matter, as she had been seeking an outside sounding board for her thoughts, and while I laughed at the whole interaction, I felt blessed to have shared. She was kind, she has a trip planned to visit her grand children next month, that she was quite excited to share. Her son had recently purchased her a smart phone which she was still trying to learn to utilize. We spoke about a myriad of subjects as we traveled, and there was a kindness and comforting sharing to the whole exchange. While we didn’t share names, we didn’t need to, she was “kind lady on the rail”

As I exited the rail, I got a little twisted around, but armed with my handy cell phone and my mobile google maps, I felt quite secure at my 3 block walk to the assigned meeting place. Passing by numerous coffee shops, including this one I’m sitting typing in now, I resolved to do this blog after the lunch.

Sitting in Pioneer Park, people watching and waiting, my wait for BK was not long, as I had arrived early, and sent a quick email, he immediately responded and walked over to meet me. We had exchanged pictures, so he knew what to expect, and I knew it was him. He has a smile that is contagious. A soft gentle temperament, while I can imagine him being enraged, or impassioned about things, its not his general nature, and his face shows the calm sweetness of his soul that reflects in his approach.

Having read his profile, I had already determined to ask him about one of the items he had mentioned, which ended up being a delightful learning opportunity for me. I love brain food. Those conversations, where – in my case – the technical details are so far above my head, that my brain struggles to grasp and map out the details to the roots and structures in my head that they are grounded in – (having a solid foundation in science, mathematics, programming, english, and history) – and allowing new trees of of wisdom to blossom. I love these types of conversations, and the universe has afforded me many times to meet up with fabulously intelligent individuals that are a wealth of good, fulfilling and fruitful knowledge, usually timing it serendipitously for me in such a way that I can grasp the concepts, and build upon them into other areas of development. This conversation was no exception.

While I will not go into the specifics for many reasons, not the least of which is that this content is BK’s alone, and while I feel blessed for him to have shared it with me – not only will I get the specifics incorrect, inaccurate and wrought with fallacies, I will generally likely be infringing upon his intellectual property.

I would however, like in general terms to explain the general ideology that we discussed. He explained in quite specific and detailed terms – he is quite a talker when he gets comfortable about the subject matter – the brain methodology for visualization. Basically how our eyes work with our brains to provide the images and things that we call sight. He further went into the details about the gaps in these, and how our brains fill them – this is similar to that old joke story that passes around often about if the letters in the first and last position of every word are correct, the rest can be jumbled or transposed, and the brain can still read the words completely. This works the same for vision. There are gaps in our vision, that our brain effective makes up to fill in the emptiness and provide meaning. This further expanded into a parallel conversation about psychology of superstitions, and the brains need to find patterns, to seek the patterns, and make meaning of them. In the absence of the natural or true patterns, our brains, our creative minds make them up in the form of superstition and belief. This sidetracked into many spiderwebs of conversation, learning and general idea exchange.

BK is a very kind and smart man, I also made him eat quite slow, and somehow something I said or did at some point was off-putting, I’m not entirely certain what I said, or how I had said it but his demeanor changed at one point. I made an observation, as our brains often do, and I’ll ask him about it later, when its in a little more comfortable environment – virtual, the environment where I typically talk to him about these things. Overall, the conversation was very pleasant.

I had previously commited to buying him lunch, and while he, being a true gentleman reached to pick up the tab, I snatched it back and covered the bill for us both. The place was a wonderful choice, the thai food was amazing, and I would highly recommend Ferry Noodle House as a staple choice for tasty Thai in Seattle.

After a thank you hug, we parted ways for him to return to work, and me to continue my trolling of Seattle.

Stopping on the way back to the rail at a really fun bookstore, it reminded me of Mysterious Galaxy Bookstore in San Diego; Seattle Mystery Bookshop – I found a treasure to take back and enjoy – even if I have promised to stop buying paper books, it was just too good of an opportunity to pass up. Plus I love bookstores, I love walking through them, its like visiting old friends.

Leaving the bookstore, it was time for a cup of coffee, and a Starbucks to document my tale. Low and behold I found a BK and coworker picking up a quick drink on the way back to finish out the day. Life is full of small surprises 🙂 great and wonderful, and it truly is a small small world.

Thank you Seattle for hosting me yet again, I plan to enjoy more wonderful bliss the rest of the week, and savor this warm cool wet dry weather when I return to Austin next week.

In the moment

Published 2 old drafts that had kept me from progressing. Listening to a book these days… very good book actually, through Audible, that basically reminded me that when you figure out something that you are supposed to be doing, and are passionate about, your the only person that keeps yourself from doing it.

So I’m doing it.

Habits and patterns are tenuous things – they sprawl around in our lives, causing all types of action and consequence.

Harnessing the good ones, and minimizing the bad ones, or overwriting them is what I’m working on now. Its sort of like clearing out the rubble before you can plant a garden.

I wonder how people do that every year without feeling the frustration I’m feeling now. How do you clear out the same space over and over again, and feel empowered by the effort instead of kicking yourself while your down.

That concept of fake it till you make it only takes you so far, I’m very good at faking it – Yeah Baby. I don’t want to fake it, doesn’t really serve me.

This book, it helped me seize the day, the moment for a brief moment in time, and I realized how far far away from it I was…. stepping into that whoosh feeling of being connected to the universe, and spirit, and creation — and I was crying. Realizing how much I’d missed that… Its a simple thing for me, to step back into that moment, I know precisely how to take myself there in a breath, a heartbeat….. but I get so distracted by the mundane, I had failed to realize how truly long it had been before I’d frolicked in that moment for a bit.

I consciously spent many hours pushing myself back into it over the course of this week, and I am feeling so much better, its hard to understand why I continue to let myself drift away from it.

The glitz and glamour of the distractions I guess…. Shiny Treasures. So so easily distracted, its a wonder I can stay focused on anything – including this post – for more than a few moments.

About to be an Aunt – for the 5th time, but somehow this time feels alot more like the first, I wasn’t so close to any of my other nieces & nephews births or wee lives, and they all live a distance from me even now. Plus being able to share in the joy of these two is … priceless. Its such a magic thing, and I am hopeful to see that sweet little angel soon.

This is an odd year, 2015. Its a culmination of a 2 year growing cycle, and as I reflect upon this I see some of the correct paths I’ve trod, and some of the less beneficial ones I’ve dabbled along. Spirit has sent me many guides and messengers to let me know that I’ma bout to embark upon the next 2 year cycle, and I’m very very curious.

We have some strange things afoot at the Casa this year – things I’ve been wishing and hoping for over the past few cycles, will likely come to fruition this year. Its a little overwhelming and frightening to be honest; its always amusing to me how I put these large goals up on a height, and then tirelessly work towards them, only to be scared to death once I actually get close to achieving them. Its like my consciousness is this naysaying ninny, that has no faith in my subconscious and ability to manifest. I_Know_I_Can_Manifest. I have done it so many countless times in my life, the only thing I lack is focus.

I’ve read many times about people learning the bow and arrow, and how you focus, you have to clear your head and be the target, same with firing a gun I’d imagine, but something about firing a gun still feels very very wrong to me. Gunpowder is not meant to kill people. That focus, that single minded intent of clearing your mind, centering your breath, stilling your body and being one with the target, in order to reach the target. That faith and believe in your own accuracy and aim and that removal of second guessing or hesitation.

Thats how you manifest.

Eye on the prize, heart centered and focused.

Time for me to pick a new target, right now, I’m floundering in a sea of possibilities, with out an oar or compass.

Had this weird thought the other day, there are a few people that are alive that I’d like to meet. I’d like to share tea or in a few cases a beer with them. I’ve had meditative conversations with all of them a few times, and I know its a possibility to cross our paths, but I hesitate to manifest it because I’m hoping the universe will provide me with some goal or purpose that will match up with this desire. Other than the sheer vanity aspect of being able to say “I had tea once with … “… I mean, I do have a vanity streak, but I’d like to believe I’m not quite that vain.

Yoga teaching keeps coming up in my meditations. I like yoga, the way it makes me feel, the empowering sense of connecting my mind with my body and breath and the centeredness of action in spirit. I very much enjoy teaching – I’ve just never really seriously considered this path as constructive for me…. Maybe its time to ponder on this one some more.

I think this is a good start for re-joining with my passion, so I’ll leave here, and go off to take P out for some much needed refreshment.

Mad Caucus race and other round maps

The Caucus Race

Another good quote is: “Everytime she finds a minute thats the minute they begin it” — From Disney’s Cinderella.

Time for a brain dump, or so my guides have indicated to me. I seem to be a bit of a slacker about this, and seem to like to be overly melodramatic about “waiting” to post, when really its just pure slacker.

Reading a very interesting book about Habits – why we have them and how to shape form mold them. “The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and …”
It is definitely providing some much needed food for thought about where I am and how to get to where I want to go, whilst also explaining the where I detoured and what caused those patterns.

Many things going on, not sure where to start. We took the trip to NY – and it was educational – it is not a place I would chose to return, hopefully the universe does not require this of me. It was not a horrible trip, in the sense that I accomplished what I had hoped, and found pleasure in the little things – it was however much more of a working trip then a vacation.

Speaking of working – Stress is an interesting beast. Its definitely a lower elemental form, and while it is a highly enticing title and description to utilize, best to not give this one any more power than necessary. There is really no such thing as stress for me, there are conditions I am able to accommodate with the tools I have at present, and there are conditions that are beyond my ability to handle and require me to learn rapidly new tools. This year has been greatly filled with the latter, and while it would seem like a welcome condition to request more of the former, I am evolved enough to recognize that there is a balance in both, and while I do not perceive the balance at this moment in time, it is progressing as it should.

We have a new pool – its P’s pool really, for me its somewhat a chlorinated heavily hot tub. That is not to say I am unhappy about the pool – more that its urgency and need was not my own driving force. It certainly is nice, and it will especially be nice on cold winter evenings and weekends. P has been using it extensively, which is quite nice to see – score another one for me about knowing and timing.

Right now it feels to me like I’m on one of those very very long road trips, where the journey is more than halfway over, but the brunt of the trip is still lying ahead. There are some lag times, long times of very little scenery and quite moments ore reflection, but they seem to be frequently punctured by the noise of horns, blares of sirens, and general ambient lively distractions.

I did a stupid female thing the other weekend. I was turning and missed an extra median in the road, and drove my little electric car over the curb – popping both the front and rear driver side tires. While I was quite blessed that it was only the tires that were popped, having no damage to the car itself or even the rims, it was a quiet respite, it was an unusual condition to have some what of an enigma in the sense that I had done something “dumb” that afforded me the luxury of something I had highly craved. Quiet time to contemplate.

They are doing renovations at my “Muggle Job” – to coin a phrase my dear sister has started using, and I decided I have found it endearing. My Muggle Job is doing office renovations. They managed to blow up enough dust and dirt to make nearly the entire department sick. Many of us were out for almost a week – I guess this is what comes from turning a warehouse into an office with the lowest possible margin of cost. Not to say it was cheap – heh far from it.

This would be the same Muggle Job that sees fit to give and to take from me nearly in the same breath on a repeating schedule of oddity. Promote here, Punish there – Reward here, Chastise there — I don’t get it. Sufficed to say, I’ll leave it up to the muggles to figure it out, and spend more of my time and energy focusing on the important things in life.

As I mentioned previously, the universe is driving me towards decisions about a few things, but presenting me with challenging opportunities to clearly decide things. For example, for this coming weekend, there were actually 4 available opportunities for me to allocate my time. Two of them being clearly down one path, and two being clearly down the other.

Each day, I begin to feel more and more like Alice in the wonderland of life – verses feeling like the caterpillar or the Red Queen – both of which I have felt in the past for extended periods of time.

I remember a play many many years back that I saw in Orlando – a semi small stage performance of a re-written version of Frankenstein – there was one part of the production that was particularly dramatic – the main character was huddled down, and three other performers were circling around as if the voices inside ones head, chanting loudly “Who are you, What are you, Why are you” over and over to a beat of a crescendo. Lately I’ve been feeling more and more like that huddled figure. Not so much that the questions are the same, but that sense of overwhelming space enclosure has been amping itself up. — This was a queue from my mind that it was time to blog, and I chose to ignore it until it reached a numbing point.

Life feels alot like a roller coaster, from the line through the wait, through the anticipation, the picking of the seat, the start of the engine, up the first hills, around the bends, and over the fast turns and twists, back to the station and exiting to start at the line again. Endless cycle of known possibilities repeating in a fresh perspective over and over again.

The barista at my favorite Starbucks the other day tried to explain to me how Starbucks Green Tea had more caffeine then coffee — and I laughed and tried softly to educate him to the difference – did some research, and while I realized I was indeed correct it has significantly less — less than 1/4 the amount of caffeine of an equal amount of coffee — I realized that it just didn’t matter. At the moment when we were having the discussion, in the drive thru line when he was trying vehemently to get his point across — to the point when I bothered to take the time to look up the actual numbers. Being Right doesn’t matter.

Commissioned an artist to create a Soul Mandala for me back a few months ago, and reached out to her because it seemed as if it were being delayed. She expressed that she had some difficulties, and had restarted the work twice – apparently my soul is more varied then any she had previously worked with – and while she was struggling with some personal challenges, it was assisting her and helping her to develop tools. She expressed gratitude for being able to do this work for me, and at the opportunity to meet with me and my soul. The work is still not finished. While I have no doubts that she is the real deal, in terms of having seen and experienced other of her art work – and I also understand the need of an artist to have an open window of time, the business person that my Muggle Job has cultivated — this person never existed before this particular Muggle Job – is struggling with feeling the need to be overly protective. Its an odd sensation to be balancing two sides of my personality to find a happy medium. I embrace the need of time for achievement of the highest possible good.

We have had the same cleaning lady for many years now, after a string of cleaning staff that stole from us and or did not perform a very adequate job. This lady is kind, and a hard worker and her rate is both within what we can afford, and a rate that we feel is adequately compensating her for her time. We have a cleaning lady because cleaning is not something I particularly relish – and while she doesn’t do a spot on perfect job, she does the rudimentary tasks of cleaning, allowing for the time to expand upon her works for both P & I while still affording us luxury time – the benefits of having a muggle job that can afford this luxury. This cleaning lady has a mischievous side, she likes to move things around in the house in the interest of “straightening” – and she has trained us both to clean up before she comes, for fear of having her “hide” things we might need in the immediate future. Overall her regular routine visits have kept our house presentable, tidy and trained us into some nice habits. Lately however, I’ve been having this sense of doubt. Like its time to stop having her clean the house. While I recognize part of this is from the need to take on some of the actual cleaning portion she performs – I would be much more acceptable to this, if it weren’t for the Muggle part of my mind starting to infringe on my head with all sorts of nonsense doubts about the value of the service and whether or not our house is safe.

Have been seeing alot of Dragonflies and Dameselflies lately – looked up the meaning in animal speak and its spot on – I suspect this is a new animal totem for me. It is also the reason that it became part of my tattoo from the trip to NY – the pink lotus with the blue dragonfly representing a balance to the experience and the rite of passage being achieved.

S has been quite interesting lately. It seems he has decided he would like another dog. He has decided until we get him another dog to micromanage, he will micromanage P & I both. He has exhibited more behaviors of trying to train us. While I still dearly miss both Rommel & Sasha, he is an interesting family Member to have around.

Ying Yang, and the grasshopper on your shoulder

Lyrics from old disney songs popping through my head, “Mr. Blue Bird on my shoulder” — when I think of Jiminy Cricket – the conscience in your head that tells you the “right” and the “wrong” things to do… what if those filters get screwed up?

The voices inside my head – and yeah I’m not talking about voices of other people, just the sides that represent my balance – the sides of possibilities, of black and white, or clear and hazy — health or glutton… Physical or sedentary – they have been in a more climatic battle lately…

Up until last year, I’d say that for the majority of my post teenage life, there has been a calm peace between these two sides, the one side has been far the more dominant, and I have been mostly content – with a few hiccups now and again – to allow some of my more hedonistic tendencies to reign supreme.

Last year things changed, and that side of my personality, Finally, took a back seat. My true personality, the personality that remembers things from my very young childhood that had been buried. The side of me that likes to jump, and skip and hop, and run and walk and laugh – and is so so much less concerned about eating, and so much more concerned about living. That side of me, took the drivers seat.

It was a thrilling experience, I finally felt like myself. Really me, and I started dropping weight, eating healthy, taking care of myself and all the things that made me happy. I felt strong. I felt empowered, I felt that other peoples drama and opinions didn’t matter as much – its not that I didn’t share empathy, and compassion its more that I was so wrapped in the warmth of my true self that they were powerless to hurt me, harm me, or suck me into them.

A few things happened that added some hiccups. Having been buried since young childhood, ague-able 9 or 10, this side of my personality did not have as much real life experiences to relate to the deceptions and manipulations of the people in my life. It was ill equipped to deal with these situations. The emotional experiences of last year also added to this a bit, and even the lost weight, as it was such a drastic change. It impacted how other people interacted with me, and it was hard not to recognize the difference.

I’ve always been easily distracted – Squirrel – shiny treasure, Blue rock – and these distractions took me off center. the two aspects of my personality started fighting for who would reign supreme.

It started like a iron chef – with both sides presenting arguments — and my negative side, or the side of my personality that has had dominance for more than 30 years of my life started to step in and fight. Maybe it had felt (I had felt) that the other side was a phase, that I’d get lazy again and welcome it back with open arms (never left) — The holidays happened, and both sides agreed to an amnesty — we would balance things. We would enjoy many things but not overindulge. Overall, I think that things were going along well — but I was lulled into complacency — and this is the tool of this negative side.

My true personality is fighting back – its trying to struggle to encourage me, to help me follow the correct path – but sometimes I catch myself after the fact and I just can’t seem to understand how or why I did something. Like I’ll pray and start the day off with full intentions of eating only healthy food, and staying true to my goals. Then I’ll find myself having eaten the piece of chocolate cake; so quickly it was hard to blink but realize it was gone – and I didnt’ really even enjoy it. But now Ive had the calories. — And while I know that guilt is ~ Also ~ a tool of this side of my personality, I am struggling to try and figure out exactly how that happened. Why did I not have strength in the moment of the decision? Where was my solid resolve at that time? Where was the decision, how did I just slip so easily into compliance? Why did I slip into compliance? This side of my personality, the facade side, it is not compliant. It is a fighter, it was a struggle last year to stay on course. It wants to be a backseat driver, constantly telling me ‘you were good enough’ — ‘you don’t have to do that today, if you don’t want to’ — ‘you could always do that later’ — ‘one little bit won’t hurt’ (Like hell it won’t, it will make me want and feel the need for another bite, and another and then I’ll have finished the whole bag and sit back and wonder why I had the first one, when I wasn’t even really hungry)

So many things in life have dichotomy. We talk of a clean planet, as we drive our gas guzzling plant killers to our corporate jobs, where they pay us to do mind numbing tasks that inevitable deplete more of the resources through the serial killer-“Business” —- Seems like such a harmless word, but please tell me about one “Business” that made a profit, that didn’t take advantage of someone else. Its not like they give away the results of their efforts, there is always some bottom line, and things have to balance — those “things” are the taking from one person, and selling to another. Sometimes taking involves money of buying, but thats just a repetition of this same process. We talk about improving education, as we numb our minds like drones in front of the latest nonsense of Tv or Internet, “enter – Tain- Ment” — Interesting the etymology of that word — Lip service to one, and action to the other, mental thought, energy towards one, attitude, resources towards the other.

Its that fine line between too cold, and too hot – and whom you ask in which circumstance makes all the difference.

The Light and Dark – day and night — everything has its opposite. They must be in balance. My thought or question is, does my life require 30 years in the opposite dominance to balance? Is this the harmony I’m seeking? — I’m not happy right now; in the midst of this Chernobyl of my mind. It feels like things must come out or I’ll explode.

Started reading a book, I’ve picked up and put down many times over the past couple of years. I have this distaste in reading books that pontificate too much. I know thats a little subjective – the idea of this book is interesting, and I don’t disagree with the writer at all, but if one more time she goes off into what should be some happy go lucky beautiful description where she says effectively “you just had to be there to appreciate it” — I’m going to find her and shove this book down her throat. — The book is about Dolphins & Whales. I completely understand the message, and I am not blind to the information, I would just like to shoot the messenger 🙂 (Okay not really, but the idea fit in line with the rest of the thought)

Have a training class tomorrow and Sunday I’m very much looking forward to — Reiki certification class. Its the first steps on a many faceted pathway. I recognize that these two days will be intense and that they are just truly the first babysteps to recapturing something I have had in many situations in my distant past. On the one hand, I’m thrilled, on the other I’m terrified. I have debated canceling this class over and over and over in my head – its not that I don’t want to attend, its that I am not certain with all this internal conflict if this is the best time. Even as I type this, I’m realizing its precisely the best time, for precisely the reason of this internal turmoil. Guess I’ll be extra happy I didn’t give into the voice saying “you can do it later”…

I wonder if I’ll realize and find that my upcoming trip is much this same thing… Here is hoping so …