When the stars align and the price of tea

Many things on my mind right now. Where to start.

It was a beautiful 53 degrees out when we ventured out this morning. The power company had elected to let us know that they would be shutting off our power for two hours this morning 8-10 – and we elected in response to “find other business to take care of” – it worked out rather serendipitous that we had noticed yesterday that our registration was due to expire today.

We headed off to the inspection place. Here in Texas vehicles require inspections before you are able to pay for the privilege of registering your car. To be honest, I think this is a very cool thing. The 10 minute shop we stopped at, we happened to catch just before they opened (not really happened, P planned this) and we were the first ones in line. The guy – who we have worked with before – was super fast, super efficient.

Little snag, the paper copy of our car insurance that P has been carrying around was expired – but in this day and age – he was quickly able to pull out an electronic version of the new card, which the guy accepted without any problem and finished our inspection. The car passed all its exams, and we were on our way – the Sir at the shop did however let us know – as the Sirs at the Costco had a bit back when we got a tire – that the car was desperately in need of an alignment.

We headed to Starbucks – which would have been the first stop if the place had already had a line – but it didn’t so being first was P’s idea of the best breakfast ever – I however, prefer some coffee.

With Coffee in hand, mouth and heart – we headed on down to NTB – and had hands down one of the best customer service experiences I’ve had in a while. Not only did they get us in as a walkin, they were super fast and super efficient – as we waited in their lobby, I watched the Customer service agent at the front – who was amazing – help over 15 people – both on the phone, in the office, set up new appts, arrive for appts, show up as a walk in, and call with questions. We were only there about 45 minutes, and this person was HOPING.

The persons name was Krystal – but they were clearly gender neutral. It really sparked my curiosity and I desperately wanted to ask them “what pronoun they chose to identify as..” but there was NEVER an opportunity. I also wondered if my asking that way would be considered offensive. I watched as some folks referred to “her” as a she and other folks referred to him as a Sir…. and Krystal was comfortable with both, and never blinked an eye at either. So so curious. But mostly I was seriously impressed by the superior level of service EVERYONE received. There was not one down minute during the entire time we were there. It was as busy as a Starbucks during a morning rush.

I complimented the person as we left on stellar customer service, and a bit ago I followed up with comments on the company webpage and also with a shout out on twitter – I don’t know if there will be anything to come of it, but I do strongly feel when someone is in their element and doing amazing work – it really deserves recognition. If all of life, everyone went above and beyond its unfathomable to conceive of what life would be like – too often, people are not in their passions and share their unhappiness with all of us…. something I too have done, and this is a cautionary reminder tale for me.

After getting the alignment, we made a quick pop over to deliver some of my Chai to mum and get some much needed hugs. I have always enjoyed the making and more so the sharing so that it all gets enjoyed when its fresh and at its best.

Next we we stopped to get the registration done. This too happened to be incredible good timing – they had just opened up this area of the store as P walked in and he was in and out fast enough I was truly shocked.

We popped by the house to spend some much needed time hanging with C on our porch – it had warmed a bit but its still so comfy out there.

It was a super amusing thing to me that P decided to accidentally banter about the debates last night with a bigger section of the pack/pride than he had intended and so so many chimed in…. I missed it as tired came on me last night super early, and the beds call was too enticing to avoid… but it was the most amusing chatter to wake up this morning and read – having not seen anything else about the debate.

I think family humor is the best sort. When there are inside jokes or stories shared, or when views and banter are back and forth in chats, there is something that is like warm bread or pumpkin pie to me about that. It is just heart happy.

We had a few more errands today, all of which turned out great, and then we finally headed home. I realized in the process of this, that interacting with people is excessively tiring for me right now. Energy all around me is chaotic and most people are taking more than they are giving. Its intuitively logical to me why this is the case – not enough hugs – this still poses a challenge of exhausting proportions.

I came home and somewhat immediately fell asleep in my chair.

Sometimes its hard to know things. To know that santa clause is not really going to pop into my house and deliver gifts, that he isn’t really a man living at the north pole. These are hard. It’s easy to believe in the ideal, in the dream. I feel, often, I would rather know than not know, but it’s still hard to know things. That expression of curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought him back….. I’ve always been a satisfied cat…. and I know, for a fact I have alot more than 9 lives.

There is life, there is death, and there is the space between. We are born from the space between, may I never need to return to that space between. May my life be long and as happily filled with blessing, joy and gratitude as it is today.

Fly like an eagle

Was realizing today, when I posted it in a chat that my family is like a pack/pride – we look out for each other. Over time, and years we have adopted other people into this community – and over time, other people have left – either thru action, inaction or just divergence of life. We look out for each other, and keep each other safe. Its an interesting thing.

There have been so so many hawks lately on our drives. Some of them are “regulars” – there are a few spots just outside of the neighborhood where there are two that regularly perch – I guess its good eating over here. They are such an amazing bird to see in flight.

I have these recipes that I found when I was searching for “healthy breakfast ideas that don’t have alot of eggs” – the benefits of chaffles is they are healthy the disadvantage of them is that its so so much egg to use them as a bread substitute. Egg is okay for my body but too many eggs within a period of time makes my digestion super uncomfortable. We have been alternating Chaffles with Pico Eggs – both of which are great, but sometimes a girl just wants some breakfast not eggs but also not that carb heavy love of mine of pancakes or Dessert for breakfast as we call them these days.

In the course of my search I have found a ton of recipes, but most of them are kinda carby – this search is where the “feel good apple muffins” came from – and there is one I am planning to try next “Healthy Vegan Oat bars” = which seem a slight amount more healthy than the apple muffins – I opted to figure out the calories before I had a tray filled with these delicious things this time…. and now I’m struggling for activation energy to make these – particularly before my bananas go too bad. Aha the struggles of the day.

On the plus side, infection seems to be going the way of the dodo. Here is to finishing off the antibiotic (fifth round) and then trying to rebuild my gut from so so much of it. Tired from this round of chemo is lingering and taunting me with visions of the comforts of bed, but I have developed a plan for this and it seems to be keeping me entertained a bit.

I play this game called Hearthstone – its a blizzard card game – you can play against yourself or against other folks. They have this Pez dispenser of objectives that is not really trivial but I’m working it and trying to accomplish it – if you get 500 wins with a class you get a “gold” emblem for the class – I did this a few weeks back with one class, and now I’m about 21 wins from second class – its a little thing, but its an achievement that doesn’t require alot of effort just time spent in peaceful relaxation. Its a bit of a win, in its relaxation it gives me motivation in breaks between games to get up and do things, and its something to keep my mind entertained which doesn’t require a significant amount of effort.

S tried to convince me to try out a new game – Genshin Impact – but the cautionary tale of a new game right now – even one that looks pretty, is that its so much mental calisthenic. P made a mention that part of my “super tired” is likely from using my brain so much – I made the mistake of looking into political things for the upcoming election – so many things. I’ve also been looking at alot of things related to healing, and trying to find more cat videos for happy nonsense things. Searching is taxing. Reading is very taxing. These are probably the cause of so so much tired, he is – as usual – right.

I am quite blessed to have so many strong and humbling people in my life. Their positive energy and spirits is always uplifting. Got contacted by another friend yesterday, who let me know he was doing okay – and family check ins from distant family – it would be nicer if my whole pack/pride lived within hugging range – but we work with what we have – I guess some of them would rather live close to the beach rather than close to Texas lol.

i just love this weather, and I’ve come to realize there are alot of things I truly love about Texas. One of them is absolutely this time of year, when it is in the 50’s at night, and doesn’t get hotter than 83 during the day, and the wind – oh the wind is blowing and crazy and tickling and soothing, and makes the chimes on my porch go nuts with small and broad tinkles. So much to be grateful for…

There was a thing that one of the radical remission workshop people mentioned in the previous one – it comes to my consciousness alot these days, and I’ve started doing a variation of it myself – she mentioned when she was having difficult or challenging days in her healing – when her little voice of doubt would creep in – she instituted a policy of everytime she would walk thru her house, every doorway she would cross, she would speak something she was grateful for in her life. She would feel the gratitude. This is such a profound small thing to me, and one I’ve been doing a modified personal version of myself. I will say, it absolutely helps, because its easy to find things to be grateful about, and its nearly impossible to be anything other than happy when you are dwelling in your gratitudes.

I am grateful for life, family and the birds that soar so amazingly in my skies. Both the avian type, and the human type.

Is the glass half empty or half full?

Its always half full, always – because its usually filled with something I love, and a half of glass of something I love is GREAT!

Today seems to be a good day overall. My body aches are less, the infection seems to be doing the Hasta La Vista Baby thing – and my energy level – while still low from chemo last week – it seems to be subtly on the mend.

Its also one of those favorite days for me. The weather was in the sixty’s this morning — just cool enough to need a hoodie, but warm enough to be so comfy. It was blustery – It does in fact feel like a blustery day. To be fair, probably a bit more than blustery as it was pulling the car all over the road.

Went to my appts, and got the coolest thing from one of the nurses that checked my infection spot. Its a mask from her company “restorative ink” that helps breast cancer patients – so it has a cool logo for that, its also a antimicrobial material. She gifted me one of these, and her business card. These masks are really elegant in a subtle way – something I probably would never have thought about in years past, but this is the “new world order” — that is Super cool masks! now we can all be super heroes!

Brief Politicalesque Rant below – please skip if these bother you.

There was a thing, that threatened to be the yin to my yang of day.... I through odd sources of spiderwebs, got hooked onto a article from both the BBC & NY times, that was detailing the fact that 45 paid only $750.00 in taxes the first year of his presidency. This incensed me. I've been working hard to let this go, but the man makes 400$k in salary - which is more than anyone in my family has ever made, and even combining a few folks, its still significantly more than "most combinations" make in a year.... and I KNOW we have all paid more than $750.00 in taxes..... how is this even possible? How does a man with a net worth of 2.5 Billion dollars some how reach a logically conclusion that he only owes $750.00..... I've spent more on wiping my arse than he has paid in taxes. How? How is he still in office? How is it that he is likely to remain in office another four years? These are things that just perplex me. The majority of his supporters paid more than $750.00 in taxes last year, and will this year - especially because of the "free money" -- aka Not free money that he "gave" I mean "loaned" them....These are things that confuse me.

/end Rant

Overall there is so much inspiration around right now – I’m interacting with so many people that are full of life, and happiness for the things going on right now. There is so much evolution, and learning going on. The world is in flex – its becoming a better place. Each of the people in my life are sharing things they are doing – thoughts they are having, that are more synergistic towards “good will to all men” – There is a part of me that is so so looking forward to this holiday season – because I’m so hopeful it will be amazing. There will be so many “new” ways to share the light and hope we all have with each other. There will be some of the old favorite things, and many new things that we learn we also love.

This time, is like the cusp of a beautiful time of experience. I’m just feeling gratitude for being alive to experience it. Sending out prayers for so many that I have heard are struggling, but even in talking to them, they are able to see the rays of hope in the dark, the light peeking thru to guide them to a better, stronger place…. its an inspiring time to be healing.

Many universal thanks to all of the people in my life that fill my days with positive inspiration, hope – and that share and fill my heart with gratitude.

To see the world in a muffin

I made a thing…. well, several of them to be honest… I found in the course of one of my spiderweb adventures on the internet… a recipe: https://pinchofyum.com/feel-good-apple-muffins — I have to say the name of that webpage was pretty adorable, and the name of the recipe in particular – I was having an “off day” and those by the name alone struck me as “lets try it” — the recipe is “off” on the baking time ALOT – like it says 15 minutes, and unless they are using some cosmic oven that doesn’t exist…. no way those solidify in 15 minutes… mine took 50 minutes… that delta is pretty ridiculous.

I did not have high hopes for this recipe, but the actual action of “making them” made my general mood improve cause I had “done a thing” … however… those muffins are seriously addictive. Like… must eat muffins cookie monster style…. when I looked back at the recipe and did the evil thing of calorie counting – it was no surprise to me… they are basically a super sweet oatmeal that is baked…. whats not to love. It was however, worth mentioning that they are in fact correctly named as “feel good muffins” they do feel good.

Mine turned out super pretty and amazingly delicious and prep time was actually pretty accurate.

There is something satisfying for me about actually planning and doing a thing. It feels so so great, like reaching the top of a summit. “I’m here world, and I did a thing” … Mostly its a time when I feel good about patting myself on the back and being satisfied with my accomplishments.

Of course I have that little voice in my head that wants to try and tear myself down, and it immediately was like “these taste too good” there must be something bad for us in here… so I spent some time trying to figure out “what are these that they are bad” and just like everything else in life – when you go looking for trouble, you will always be able to find it. … Oatmeal is high in Manganese – something that in high quantities is shown to be good for cancer, bad for good cells.

Its interesting to me, that as strong as I feel, as dedicated to healing I feel… that there is still some crossing guard inside of me that is directing traffic the other direction….

There was an observation in the workshop thing recently when the discussions were on Intuition… about the fact that things are either logic, or they are intuition. In the past, I’ve had a few things that my intuition told me “these are not for you”…. and I’ve taken them out of my path…. these muffins, it wasn’t my intuition speaking ill of them, it was my logical side… and the amazing and harmful thing I’ve found about my logic is … it is literally possible to defend pretty much any position, given the correct amount of time and a universe of possibilities. This doesn’t make it “right” – but then “right” is completely subjective by my own values. I suppose its more appropriate, rather than calling it “right” as to call it… better attuned or in line with my goals and objectives. So its not so much right as “does this help me towards healing?” – these muffins do. Something in them my body just goes “YES! Finally!” – and its the healing part saying this… this time.

Chemo this week – chemo is always hard – was hard. It is very draining on my chi, which is very very draining and opens up my heart to “doubt” I try and guard against this, but that little web of doubt, creeps in and suddenly builds a nice nest for itself. Once its festering, its very very hard for me to pluck it out. — I pray, many times a day, for help with the physical but often its super easy for me to forget to pray for help with this, because in the moment of the doubt – it doesn’t exactly “feel” like doubt … it creeps up like an insipid fly – persistent and subtle as if its saying “no no, you don’t need to swat me” — I’ll have to remember to say “shoo fly don’t bother me” in the future.

For today, P took me on a drive – and there is a point in our drives, that I typically open the windows – because something about the wind is just … its part of my soul and it allows me to take a soul shower and become refreshed and renewed … thru a little thing like driving with the windows down…. Well I’m riding, and we are talking… and P says “Its time”… and I’m sorta questioning – because this is the phrase we use at home for “its time for a hug” … and he rolls down the windows… and as the wind hits my face, my body…. I start shaking and tears start streaming down my face…

I realize, as the doubt flies away… just soars out the window and is gone… and I feel my soul and heart clear and I feel the strength return, and I feel the anxiety and the tension that was in my body, just melt. … I feel this in the blink of an eye, and I’m just overcome with the emotion of the sensation. In an instant.

Some feelings defy words, but P asks me what’s wrong, because clearly, visible I’m overcome… and I struggle to express the mountain that I’m feeling into succinct expressions… because see, while I had the doubt, I hadn’t shared it…. I hadn’t given it the power, but I hadn’t gotten the support to be strong against it. … I try and express to him how I’m doing better, how its helpful… and I do an allegory for him – because the doubt doesn’t have any power, and I don’t need to talk about it anymore, because its gone…. but I want him to be unconcerned about my relief – I want him to be happy for me…. as I am, now again suddenly.

I always say we take our drives for P, but really they are for both of us… its not so much the drive as the experiences along the way that are more for me… but its also time we share together, that is free from all the “things” that hinder us during the normal day to day.

There is a peace with being without and with in all at the same time, and somehow these times culminate in that for both of us.

Fall Up

Sometimes, there are these recent occurrences, where my body tells me that its more important to get up and write, then to sleep. These are happening at a frequency – that its pretty easy to blame it on medicine or other things – and we have come to a consensus that it won’t be before 4am that this occurs, due to the best/strongest healing hours being 11pm-3am – so this allows me to do my healing…. and then struggle for getting back to sleep – while my mind drafts over and over again some message I need to write down…..

I don’t know when I decided this was a “good idea” – or an “appropriate” idea …. I don’t feel like my conscious was actually consulted – I feel like the other “Alethia’s” – the super young self, the teenaged self, the young adult self, and the middle aged self all sort of had this quorum meeting, and decided “this would be the way of things” – its a strong enough feeling to be pervasive. I’ve tried, a couple of times to “silence” this drive of all these versions of myself – and I can chose to “not” get up and write – I can “chose” to lay in bed stare at the dark ceiling, while my mind goes into the zen place where I write….. there is the added frustration if I chose to do this, in knowing that most of what my mind drafts in this restful zen place probably will be forgotten to me consciously if I lay in bed and continue to rest.

There are sometimes when I can put my foot down, I can insist we sleep longer, and we generally do – sleep longer. However, there are other times, we will call these the “medicine is working against you” times …. when sleep is evasive, and getting up is probably the better option anyway.

My mind is often a warzone of concepts and ideas – of moving forward, backward, and back to present – of traveling to beautiful and horrendous worlds or scenes. Sometimes, reality of wakefulness is much more restful in its activity than the inside of my head in quiet and comfort of my bed.

The routine of the day is one I kinda feel like on these days, when I’ve allowed myself to be led into spewing my thoughts onto a page at some pace that is normally kinda frantic – spiderweb here – I remember the message that is mentioned over and over in Hamilton about him writing like he is out of time. …. While I don’t feel like I’m out of time, I do often feel like the writing is late. ….. Maybe more like the White Rabbit in Alice in Wonderland… I’m late, I’m late for a very important date…. – frantic or not, the words just sort of come to me in snippets, and its more like deciding which to say, verses struggling with how to say. …

I was asked by a new friend to write a message about myself – sorta an introduction of myself as a “Cancer Warrior” type of thing – for her blog. And I mentioned to her that this would be a struggle for me…. I mean I blog – but my blog – This is a stream of consciousness for me, basically I’m taking dictation of the words going on inside of my head – not alot of screening or revisioning occurs. ….. For something more “formal” – thats going to be on someone elses page…. I dunno seems a bit more like I need to speak differently? Like I need an actual writers voice? Maybe this isn’t correct, I know at the very least I need to re-read and edit it – something I 99% of the time don’t do with my blog…. A failing perhaps – as I’ve gone back thru my blog (a rare rare thing) and re-read some of the posts – well the parts that were concise and legible enough to convey a full message 🙂 – the beauty and the bane of stream of consciousness – sometimes my thoughts just bounce along like a pinball in a pinball machine – racking up points of “I wrote I wrote” — without ever hitting that one pure prize that seemed like the goal – but I guess overall the goal of Pinball, and of my stream of consciousness blogging is — Like Nike said – just do it.

While its arguable more work than gaming, its alot more satisfying of a hobby – and with as much time and research i KNOW most gamers put into the games that they play – its actually, well atleast the slacker method I presently imploy – alot “less” work…

Had some recent waking thoughts about some of the incredible people I have on the fringes of my life – some of the co-workers for contract company that worked with us in India at my previous job – they were such amazing people – that went out of their way to stay in contact with me for years after I’d left for this health journey. The times I had with them in person in India were timeless and precious. Their faces still pop in now and again to visit me in my head when I am struggling with these times of “I wanna write” and “I wanna rest” — I just wish them all universally to be safe, healthy and above all happy – because my time with them was these things for me, directly because of their efforts and actions.

We went the other day – P had to take his ipad to the apple bar. Its a rather laborious story, but suffice to say, apple ipad of the generation which he uses have this thing where the battery dies if it gets a poor battery memory. This is something he realized a handful – not a week – when the thing was out of warranty with Apple…. it was still fortunately under warranty with AMEX – but they required documentation from the genius bar or other service provider that this was the case. So off to get this documentation we went — mostly I was riding as moral support and the opportunity to people watch from the safety of the car.

The domain was like a ghost town – okay there were alot of people there but like 10% the number you would expect, during the week later in the afternoon. We even got to park less than a block from the Apple store, which is — well there were a ton of empty spots, and this has never happened since that place was opened. My vision of people watching wasn’t let down, but it was significantly less prominent than anticipated.

I got to notice a few of the company buildings that were “coming soon” and wondering how long ago those coming soon signs had been up there…. normally its a couple months from coming soon till open – but with conditions as they are… had this been a “year” of coming soon? My mind pondered. I looked up one of the businesses, which had a cute name for Austin – it was called “Barkin Creek” – a dog food, and pet spa place – a chain and this was to be its new location…. Barton Creek being the name of both a natural exploration place and the posh mail in south Austin.

I watched so many of the people walking without masks, without social distancing – again from the safety of the car. P had work a mask over mask – usually he wears one of those bandana thingies, but since he knew he would actually be out with strangers today in amongst the ramble, and at a tech place with lots of other peoples germies from touching – he wore the more formal “protect me” mask too. Apparently they had hand sanitizer all over too for which we were both grateful.

I wonder how much the profits of the sanitizer business have skyrocketed during this experience. They aren’t the only business that has been uniquely positioned to capitalize on this adventure of life right now…. but they are one of the most consistent and well established.

Kinda its a prop to the American spirit – (spiderweb, I wonder if thats a closet racist term – the “american spirit” – I mean its the name of a brand of cigarettes and I can totally see that being racist – particularly since they have an indian on the cover and are marketed as such because they are free from most/many of the toxins normally in tobacco cigarettes… but when we say the “American Spirit” and we aren’t really referring to the continent of “America” — we are only North America and not even all of that…. we are the Estadoes Unidad – or United States of America or the USA – but we are just “Americans” — except we punish and detain other Americans that aren’t US citizens – so perhaps there would be value in not calling ourselves “Americans” when we don’t really mean Americans at all… but USA) — that no matter how down or concerning some things are, there is someone with an ingenious idea that will be able to rise above and create positive things without at the same time. The ability to take a glass of water and see it both as half full and half empty all at the same time, while having debates, arguments, and wars about it – that is the “American Spirit” — which I suppose now needs to be called the USA Spirit. This isn’t at all meant in a derogatory way. I believe in the USA Spirit – it’s also about the fact that we can take no matter how much we have slid into the mud, and somehow figure out how to sell mud pies from our experience, and encounter. We learn to rise above, to get knocked down, and get up again.

Chemo treatment was yesterday, we reduced my premeds again at my request. My blood levels are well, right now they are playing jump rope, bouncing up and down — not far enough down so as to be alarming, just far enough down to be almost actionable – but also back up to nearly normal range. I’ll be back to Mary Poppins in no time, it seems. I do have to say, the downside to reducing the premeds is in the knowing that the nausea is my own doing. My bodies way of saying “Oh I see, reduce the anti nausea things, don’t give me many carbs before or after, take away my probiotics to avoid conflicts with the meds – and then expect me to keep everything happy and content down here? ” — Yes, body there is a santa clause – I got up and got to write.

Bittersweet intuitions

I had such a positive experience with the Radical Remission workshop a few months back, when they offered a discount for repeat attenders I jumped at the chance. Invited my mom to attend with me, and we were set.

Unfortunately I had a few limiticky snicket type incidents with the registrations. First, I registered for the wrong session – chosing in error the 1pm session instead of the 7pm session. The facilitator was fast and effortlessly fixed this for me.

Second, the session says it starts at 7pm and for some reason I mixed up the dates and thought it started on Thursday – it started on Tuesday, so we missed the first session — but they had a recording!! So no worries, mom watched it, and I was already pretty knowledgable about this – having attended before – it was sorta like a first session for a college class – alot of introduction.

Third, it said it started at 7pm – but for some reason, in my Texas blind side, I failed to notice the ESD in the time. So we were an hour late to the first session. WE did catch the rest of the class, and got on track.

Last night was the third – second for us – session, and I had a few snafus but got in within a few minutes late. This session was on intuition.

I really enjoyed this session last time, and last night was the same. The lady who does the exercise is extremely knowledgable, and her voice is very soothing. She has a thick accent (German) but its somehow extremely musical to my ears.

The activity/exercise was a group guided meditation. She led us thru this beautiful breathing exercise, then into this guided picturesque scene before our own vision took over. I remembered I had done this the last time, and I’m a pretty diligent note taker, but I could not at all remember the last session.

The meditation was great – and informative. My spirit guide answered my questions directly and quickly. The guide gives you a gift, the thing you most need right now. My gift was an apple with a worm in it. I almost laughed loudly at this – because I KNEW immediately what this represented.

I’ve been really unsettled with doing Chemo. I know how toxic it is long term. I know that basically all chemos “cause” cancers. They are toxic. However, they also are extraordinary and they help. The apple represented me, and the worm represented the cancer. The apple also represented all the things I’m doing to heal myself, and the worm also represented the chemo. It was the universe way of telling me, suck it up buttercup, its not time to stop chemo yet.

It was also a surprise to me, when I went back thru my notes – the place from the previous session was the same. The details – the sights, sounds, temperature, smells, all of the sensory things I recalled from the first session — they were the same in this session This is a place of healing for me, and one I’ve visited often. While the guide this time was very different, the questions I asked very different, and the answers, and gift very different – that makes complete sense to me.

It was just a great session. I’ve always used my intuition heavily, and this was just further confirmation – it also helped settle my mind on this chemo. While there is still a part of me with the “I don’t wannas” – the bulk of me was more resolved to the fact that its good for me right now.

So many of the small things about this intuition session were little aha moments. I love intuition, it is a guiding force in nearly everything I do – the biggest struggle for me is – I love thinking, and turning problems over in my head like a puzzle – and remembering to release these back to intuition.

There is thinking, and then there is feeling. The two are not the same, and while each has a time and place — Intuition is where radical remission comes from, and that is what I’m focusing on right now.

A time to every purpose

The PA asked me today, “how are you feeling?” – and I just laughed. I suppose that is one way to answer, because she didn’t dig any deeper to find the answer, so either the laugh told her what she needed to know, or she was asking as a social politeness, not as a medical professional. — She did ask more specific questions after this, so I’m guessing she just figured that it wasn’t a question I was particularly prepared to answer …. and that means she wins a prize bob!

I’m tired of having a staph infection. Its been like a disco ball flashing symptoms on and off for months now – and I’ve been on and off antibiotics just as frequently – and I’m tired of this…. Unfortunately, the “symptoms” of the infection are the same as the “symptoms” from chemo – so I can’t really tell which is making me feel…. without complaining “less than ideal?” — Mostly overly abundantly unavoidable tired….. Like sleep twelve hours and still feel like I need more rest, tired.

I recognize that sometimes my body just needs rest.

I recognize that sometimes rest helps with healing.

But geez, can’t we take a break from days that include more sleep than wake? I suppose I should be careful asking for this – because there are WORSE things that being able to rest in my own bed comfortable for as long as my body needs. So I guess, I’ll just be thankful for the opportunity to be able to sleep for twelve hours. To be fortunate to have supportive family and friends that understand this time is hard right now. Thank you universe, for providing me with support to endure.

Struggling with myself over wanting to balance multiple things when I am clearly unable to balance multiple things is still causing me some difficulties. I’m not certain which part of me this is – but it feels like probably the rebellious teenager fighting against curfew that is trying to ensure we are in angst by inadvertently attempting to “do things” outside of our capacity at present. —- Its like, no no, we can NOT have two conversations while holding on the line for another doctor reply to that question we forgot to ask in the office….. that Will, fact send us over the edge.

P made a really good analogy for me today — something he doesn’t normally do well, I should say, he does analogies, I just usually can’t follow the ones he does, which makes sense, because he typically can’t follow mine either – so its one of those areas of opposite sides of the mountain — usually.

Today was an exception – the analogy he used today was equating my brain function currently to crossing a catwalk that has fallen to disrepair — it has a hand rail – which if I hold and pay attention is no issue at all…. but there are huge gaps in the path and if I try and “cross without holding the rail” or try and cross while “Squirrel!” — I will often fall. Its a particularly relevant analogy for me, because I often “squirrel” — and I am struggling with the teenager saying “well, I know I’ve crossed so many times without holding the handrails – those are for “disabled” people….” (also an interesting observation, because P later pointed out “Well atleast your disability isn’t in question” and while very relevant, doesn’t make it an any easier pill to swallow for me from an ego perspective. )

There was a song many years ago — which my good friend “google” is failing me on identifying today… lyrics I remember below, with possible/likely “Alethia” transliteration:

"Everyone has a dream for the future. Each of us has a special goal. Why sit back?  Pave the way, to the future, all of the strength you need lies deep in your soul. With courage and faith as constant companion, you never face trials alone. With faith that is strong you will never abandon believe in yourself and success is your own. Oh I can do it, there's nothing to it, I've got the courage I need. I've gotten this far, I'll board the next star to follow my dreams, wherever it may lead. " 

Its been one of those things, its either from chorus – religious or secular “somewhere vocal training” — Its a song, that has resonated heavily with me … and been a “go to” source of reassurance for times of struggle.

Because I learned this song as a teenager, anytime I need to point the finger at the teenager in my head — this song helps lift her up after the adjustment in thought has been achieved.

So I gotta work on being a little less hard on myself for not being able to hold more than one focus or thought at a time right now. I just — well that part of me doesn’t want to be less hard on myself – it seems to like to find reasons to “you can do more” me all the time. — On the plus side, it is a happy reminder, that probably sometime in the future, I’ll be able to do more again. But for today, I’ll try and be happier with the “what I CAN” do vs being frustrated at the “what I am NOT able” to do.

We are winning. It takes practice, and lots of struggle to win. Learning takes time, and the aha’s will keep coming until I’ve mastered them all – so hopefully another 40+ years 🙂

My little barkerke has decided to inform me he is in need of more attention today — he has taken to telling us/reminding us when its “wet food day”… which is every other, but I find it wildly amusing that he “knows” when its every other — P has tried to “skip” it – and Starbuck is quite verbal about these attempts – its also amusing that he gets particularly “cute” with his reminders. Either way, off to go play some with the pupper.

Bring out your inner trucker

Its funny to me, how my mind works – how the spiderwebs connect from thought to thought.

P watches alot of youtube videos – or rather, he has a plethora of subscriptions to alot of tubers that are varied. One of the ones he has subjected me to – mostly because I’m kinda ambivalent about these things….. is called “Goonzsquad” – its a couple of brothers that do a variety of things – most recently alot of “land” things… At first, watching these boys it made my eyes roll – “oh another redneck channel? Really bah” – but after 4 or 5 of their videos I found a creeping sense of them growing on me like a fungus… and I started to evaluate what I didn’t like about them…. Only to realize that its their perpetual optimism that was annoying to me. They are always happy. Always finding positive things, and praising each other. Both brothers take time in front and behind the camera – and in the scenes both bust their arses doing insane things, and learning insane things with relation to alot of varied activities – if they don’t know how to do it, they learn. As a viewer, you get to be in the backseat with their learning.

It was very telling and interesting to me that it was their hopeful optimism I found grating, which of course immediately changed my course and I’ve now learned to find them endearing. Its also one of the videos that I look forward to….

Most recently they were building a “wellhouse” – Now I did not know what a wellhouse is… so my good friend google, was quick to educate me (https://acornabbey.com/blog/?p=316#:~:text=The%20pumphouse%20is%20a%20small,in%20the%20days%20before%20electricity.) …. its basically a building to keep the “things needed when you have a well” from freezing when you live somewhere where it gets below freezing for a good bit of the year.

So I got to watch these young men, who had no knowledge of what this was… but had the internet, and resourcefulness, and able hands and bodies — build this thing, after researching, and finding out what was required. They poured the concrete – as the person they had originally hired to do this, suddenly became unavailable, and they had a deadline – they learned how to do this, what they needed, they went and picked it up, and did the job.

Something about this is just well damn inspiring.

There are many tubers P watches, many of them I enjoy for similiar reasons. They are normal humans – not famous or wealthy – doing normal human things – in a way that I get to lean over their shoulder and watch and be there with them. Something about this brings me hope – particularly when things don’t always go exactly as they had originally hoped or planned – and I get to see them react, and move thru the obsticle.

There is some sort of connection to humanity in this….. Something that lets me feel like I’m not alone – that others are having these types of struggles, and we can all get thru — its like the Andy Griffin of this generation. Lessons being taught and received.

Not all tubers are this way – there are … well much like not all TV was that way either. P has a knack for finding the good ones.

In the course of him enjoying his new toy – he was showing me the “many” — lets just call them “recipes” for stuff that you can make – where someone has already done the “requires alot of knowledge and time to do the like-an-architect on a computer software things” — they call these a “mesh” thats a jargon term to describe the “downloaded item” that tells the printer where and how to print. So P showed me a website with a ton of mesh – most available for free.

There were so many things – I started searching for “practical” things – like soap dispensers, or hooks, or laundry clothes hanger clips – all of these and more available here…… And then I started thinking about the upcoming holiday….

We started searching for “christmas villages” — and we found a ton of things — but basically it led us to Railroad/train buildings – where its sort of a “these are all in this scale” type of thing … but a “design and build your own” — a DIY christmas village – I think we might endeavor to try this — depending on how long the models take to print.

D came over yesterday, and we got a chance – after much running around – to sit and chat for a bit. Something about having her here was incredible activation energy for me. I managed to get so many of my “I wanna” list done. Felt good. Plus I now have tasty soup and fresh chai to enjoy.

Its always enjoyable to me to sit with my sister, because we are able to verbally spar, without it becoming emotional confrontational. She is one of the few people in my sphere I’m able to do this with — where its not taxing for either of us, and we can just banter and pro/con both sides of issues. Its very liberating, because while we don’t always agree – or even eventually come to consensus — its always always learning. Its my version of being in the goon squad 🙂 — Plus I got to see kitties.

I don’t know what the rest of the year will hold, or how 2021 will start out, but I do feel tremendous hope and promise. I feel there is a world of positive possibilities just bubbling up to overwhelm us with happiness. I’m very grateful and feel blessed to be here to share that world with rest of humanity; the people I love.

She was truly a Tzaddik

Ruth Bader Ginsburg passed away at the start of Rosh Hashanah – the start of the new year for the Jewish. This makes her, according to Jewish tradition a Tzaddik – which is a person of great righteousness — as she was given the full measure of a year.

While I recognize, the cancer she had is one of the most painful, and the most all encompassing. It is still quite sad for me when cancer takes another soul. She had literally a month of remission, before it came out and reared its ugly head again.

She was a good egg. Wiki does a pretty good job overviewing her life, and her progression onto Supreme court justice. (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ruth_Bader_Ginsburg)

She was a powerful female role model. We all have our heroes, and while she was not one of mine, she was a powerful advocate for many of the things I feel passionately about. She will be missed her in corporal form.

Some days are hard. There are so many things in the news, so many struggles. Sometimes it feels like being one of the animals in a rodeo – no clear direction, and so much chaos all around.

Had some strange strange dreams last night – most of them just chalked up to Alethia Insanity.

Sometimes its hard to get into the space in other people’s heads, to try and see the world from their position …. to understand why or what would drive them to specific courses of thought, action or belief.

While its not really vital all the time, for the people that I love, it does help defuse, or explain why they react a specific way to something I have done – often with a very different intention than they understand.

I explained to a friend recently – when I had a realization and epiphany about the fact that “exercise nuts” – those people that exercise more than I can possible imagine – and enjoy it…. its just another form of “emotional eating” – instead of food, they are working out to release/free/comfort those emotions – I digress.

Explained to this friend, that we are crossing the same mountain, we are just on opposite ends of it – so when we try and describe the struggles, the landscape is just very different. The mountain is the same, the mountain requires the same tools – just the path way is different.

Its challenging to realize that in the course of everyone’s own personal struggle – to understand and help them without minimizing my helping myself. I’d imagine its much like when a flight attended tells a parent “remember to put on your own mask before you help your child” — I can’t really imagine being a parent – but I can see where for a parent, this just seems so wrong. While I can understand, the logic, the value and the truth the statement from a flight attended, its rationally and emotionally hard to stay on that course, and not just reach out and help.

My challenge right now, is being selfish. This isn’t something I’ve ever been particularly good at, I seek to balance things, and to have the people around me be happy – to sacrifice myself, or fall on my sword to ensure that the outcome is pleasant. Right now, my job is to hold the line, even when its uncomfortable and just stay on the course to get what I need.

This should be easy for me, but it’s very not. I desire to acquiesce is a perpetual struggle. I am learning. Hopefully, it will get easier soon.

Badminton Vs Tennis

This is always one of those things that has been on the back of my mind as “I wonder what the difference is…” … Never really having a keen appreciation for this, they were both pretty much the same to me with subtle differences – today I educated myself on the difference here: https://badmintonbites.com/badminton-vs-tennis-whats-the-difference/ – basically seems to boil down to Indoor vs Outdoor, Bounce, and scoring…. Seems strikingly similar to RL atm…. we are stuck as badminton when we would rather be tennis. — not to say there is anything at all wrong with badminton – except when you want to be able to tennis.

Probably have mentioned this many times as is the way of things now, but I feel its an enlightening time …. mostly because alot of folks are experiencing what those serious ill, and those retired experience significantly more….. isolation, and the challenge of “how do I find fun, physical comfort, and activity” while staying inside. Its like 2020 has turned everyone into a “life” gamer — solve the puzzle to get your pez dispenser of happiness. … yes you too can be a gamer! Solve the crisis of today…. keep up your sanity….. find your resources – food, house things, money…. Keep up your health….

Its an odd realization that everyone is now stuck in the Alethia way of life – life is a game… we are winning if we are still alive. The goal is to find enough “wins” within the game to keep yourself “winning” — in an ideal world to keep yourself winning Stellar.

I feel like the fact that everyone else is being … forced? That seems like to harsh a word, but strongly encouraged doesn’t quite seem right either…. Its not exactly coerced …. its “something” — everyone else is “something else” into living life the way I have for my life… is somehow oddly comforting. Its like I suddenly have a stadium worth of other gamers, where there were but a handful before.

This stadium somewhat creates new aspirations/objectives for me within the game — of trying to help ensure my “team” — friends and family – are strong, and doing okay, and winning. I’ve always had this objective, but now it seems to be significantly more satisfying than ever before…. maybe I leveled up? Maybe Pandemic times offered me some sort of weird life power up? Seems Legit.

Overall, life is pretty good right now. Went to acupuncturist today – and like usual I have to be careful what I wish for, because I am manifesting like a fiend these days…. I told her “I’ve been experiencing really cold lately – is there anything you can do about this with this treatment?” …. about an hour after the visit, I”M NOT COLD ANYMORE!! =— its kind of a great feeling to go from being “freezing” to “not cold” but well, its also a warmer–>hot feeling that I wasn’t actually expecting to hit me like a brick wall. Thank you universe for immediately answering my concern…. After so long just being cold, its kinda nice to be not cold for a change.

Got to spend time with my siblings today for the appt run… There is something deeply comforting about time with them… it feels a bit like the cheers feeling of “NORM!” — except I don’t have to buy beer, or sit on an uncomfortable barstool.

R came in and re-arranged things in my meditation/guest room – something I’ve been needing help with for a while – his activation energy was good today, so we got a ton of shifting things done…. I am hopeful that this new arrangement will “keep” a little better – he made some fix suggestions that I’ll need to work on but all in all it looks pretty darn great.

This weekend marks the half century birthday of one of my favorite nurses, she is my adopted sister, and I am so so glad that a little bird told me so I could pop over and sing to her. It was an incredible thing – this is a hard year for celebration moments…. they won’t come again, but they are still important even with mindfulness and safety. I’m so glad she is in my life; and I’m glad I got to celebrate this even if in a small way with her.

Next week is chemo, and I’m dreading it already, trying to not think about it – I wish I could actually go thru some cycles without infection so I would “know” which things are from which thing…. but probably not going to be this next cycle …. so the ten million bandaids of “this and this and this and this” will still be my backpack full of goals for the next month. I am blessed and grateful for this new drug – and for the researchers, that were able to think outside of the box in a way to create something that is magical, healing, and helpful. They pulled a rabbit out of their hat, and that rabbit turns into a bird that allows cancer to fly away.

Here is hoping for more magic and blessings.