When at first

Its amazing to me how much value can be had in recognizing that failure is part of the process. Even when through some divine intervention or someone else providing all their “learning” which included likely many many failures along the process that you are able to bypass this necessary set step. Failure is just an indication of an effort and allows for elimination of possibilities that existed and were considered most relevant that are not at the top.

The goal is not to eliminate failure, just to fail “up” or towards the goal. where the knowledge is easily able to be leveraged about what “worked” and what “didn’t” — to make the next time expontially greater likelihood of nirvana.

So today, I’m up at quarter to 4 because the young version of myself — the pre-ten version I’ll call her … “wants” to be up and moving, not sleeping. So maybe there is a nap in my future lol a few dozen hours from now. For the moment its delicious coffee, and a much needed blog/mind dump.

I am learning, that slowing down and relaxing is as challenging as the go-go-go I have used the majority of my life. This is not to say I have never used this skill in the past, but I have always considered it to be “me taking a holiday” type of thing and some part of me considered that as “bad or lazy” … I have come to recognize I am not bad, and overall I am not a lazy person. I prioritize, I just in my life have not remembered that I am on the top of that list. While I have always consdered it extremely valuable for others to “do this” and considered it to be an enviable thing – I was stupid in the sense that I failed to be able to leverage this for my own life, my own experience.

The universe has put in my life from early childhood many many life teachers, many close many in various circles of my trust and life – but its a lesson I have been resistant to working on or dediating mind space to – partially because its really hard to focus on things for yourself when you see them as “bad or lazy” – so that has been the first second verse.

Being able to recognize priorities for ME as being my top concern, and being able to develop a comfort zone inside my head with this being the case, being necessarily the case, and actually being a fabulous wonderful thing – has both allowed me to enjoy when I do this so so much more, and also allowed me to value it as a priority.

The data analyst in me keeps trying to count up “this is how much of that you did vs how much of that you didn’t do” …. but the tools I have available now, make it much easier to spin doctor this information and also to de-prioritize it as in – I’m sure there is value in the balance, but at this time in my life, my cells need me to focus more on making up for all those decades of failing to put myself first – so the scale is going to be necessity be unbalanced for the forceable future, and that is actually going to be an incredible good thing.

The ability to “see” the scales being unbalanced, means I’ve been able to “see” myself in the future sense of being to a time when this might be something worth addressing. This is so so powerful.

Protocol is hard, balancing so many little things about it are challenging. The physical things it does and doesn’t allow to function like they have my whole life is — odd, complicated and challenging.

My cup runith over with valuable things to put towards making the best me, the strongest me, and the healthiest me.

Life is good.

Tooty Fruity

Today is a happy day. I’m on second cycle start of new protocol – and we are using some old tools to bring about some new tools. As mentioned the first two weeks requires me to “rise and shine” around 5:30 immediately stick something worth 150-200 calories in mouth and then take Chemo meds – because I know this is clearly the highlight of my life.

The ability to see something for a positive is an interesting thing. I’ve decided to turn this into an “opportunity” to visit some of my truly less than “best” breakfast options, as a means of soliciting that little kid to get me excited to get up and do this.

This tactic is working brilliantly from a logics perspective – it also feels like its doing amazing things — we will see in the tests how it may need to be tweaked, and there is time for brainstorming.

This means however, I get to give in to those desires that come for just “they asked for chocolate cake for breakfast...” types of things – and my little girl is no exception. I did however find there is “too much” of some things, lol which I would never have expected. Take those double chocolate muffins from Costco that always look – AMAZING – and taste AMAZING — well they are still okay but right now, the very thought of them is kinda meh to me lol – which is sorta sad from the perspective that they freeze so well and I thought I had a solution. Not so we want variety.

Today was all about variety. Talked to Doc yesterday, and it was amusing to see a doctor “NOT’ disagree with my hedonistic plan to just eat something delicious for breakfast. Today we went dino and visited some long lost old friends – channeled my inner Fred and Wilma and had some “Fruity Pebbles” — which I can honestly say has been likely alot more than 30 years.

So a few things happened – one they are just as I remember sort of like crunchy little squirts of flavor in every bite, turning the milk all sorts of cute little fun colors. The second was I was taken back to a memory that was both pleasant, amusing and safe – things I need as much as I can get of right now in these times – Thank you U M and A R for having these for your babies. Thank you for having me babysit – because the memory was enjoying a bowl with them of this in that old kitchen you had where all the babies were born. So many lifetimes ago, so many positive vibes. Thank you.

While I know it isn’t good to reminise too much – ruminations having the tendency to take and drag you under like a shark wrestling for its pray – it is good to hug them, acknowledge them, see them for the good and the bad – embrace what you need and move on.

Now I find it very interesting that the box for this stuff was 11 oz, and a serving is one cup 8oz — and they say there are 9 servings in this little bag. I am certain the person that did the math and all the experts that validated this must not have seen the immediate … gap? While I know dry does not exactly equal wet, they are just not that far divergent – but we shall see – I’ll atleast be able to enjoy what I got for enough more servings.

Somehow this plan is having other side effects – my little girl inside is spunky and she has loads of energy so today is Chai day, and baked acorn squash — thank you Aunt Maureen for showing me how easy it is when you put some of your umphf into your kitchen and out comes amazing things (although I still am not brain enough for crabcakes/salmon cakes -but it could be just not overly enjoying those flavors). I have the formula I’m using for this squash down pat and man it comes out so amazing! (Butter, Coriander, Cinnamon, Thyme (1tbs for each spice in each half) 375 – bake 1-1.5 hours until super soft. Put into a container and pull out the pool of extra spice/butter if you aren’t a heavy spice person (I am) — and cool. The stuff tastes amazing cooking with those flavors, the house smells amazing and then when you separate and store the containers you get 2-4 depending on how much you want to eat at once, servicing’s of delicious healthy acorn squash that tastes a touch like pumpkin pie but alot more savory than sweet.

Overall Life is good!

Second verse same as the first

So I mentioned about new protocol – finished first cycle – its …. well all the chemo protocols are different sorts of icky and some more effective then others. This one is worse for many of the icky for different reasons then they would tell you lol but it also seems to be feeling like its more effective.

The second cycle starts tomorrow. Every time a cycle starts I just feel overwhelming dread. Its like those times when you were waiting for the relay race team picking to start – when you “knew” that was today. Maybe its just me but I was always picked in the middle – not the first, not the last but the middle and somehow that made it worse from a stress level.

There are many so so many things I have learned about myself this year – through world conditions, different physical conditions, and the general feeling with how I am handling different challenges. We learn so much about the tools we use, abuse and overuse when we are forced into a position when we recognize that maybe they aren’t and haven’t been the best.

Its interesting to me to reflect back to the time from whence the came, or when my brain – in its youthful sense even now – why it chose this as “the best way” …

I watch the videos and I got to do a live stream this weekend with my baby niece E – she is growing so fast, and watching her make the leaps, learn the best and understand when its conditions for X or Y or Z even in just an hour long stream — its so so enlightening about how much of our lives is based upon reactions to things we encountered.

Sort of like the old story of “the quickest way to teach someone that a burner is hot is to let them feel that its hot for themselves” — while the quickest isn’t always the best, and it isn’t the most thorough either, so it often has to be repeated in its lack of depth but it is quick.

Its very inspiring to me to watch all my friends and loved ones come to these same type of aha moments from themselves, to watch them grow and learn and evolve. We are all in it to win it – but winning looks so so different for each of us.

Resolve, Resilience, Endurance – these are the things we are all working on helping and building.

Live is good.

Seven degrees of Seperation

There used to be an old meme – before memes really, about the seven degrees of separation from “Kevin bacon” – basically the premise was that if you count those “and then that person” — or the touch of the touch of the touch – we are all connected.

This goes through my mind alot when I have to go places that people are doing “dumb” things.

We had to go to Costco the other day. Physically go. We get a rewards check from them that has to be cashed in person – and since its under my name I need to be there.

I am on this new treatment protocol – which is …. well lets just say, I feel like a paper doll these days – my immune system feels like its blowing in the wind.

So we go, super early to costco right after they opened – which is earlier on the day we went, and we go to the service area. The couple in front of us has no masks. They are a post 50 couple, not in ideal body form, and they are just talking along like all of the world is not the way it is.

I am sitting back, 15 feet from the door – since the Delta Varient spacing is 10 feet, and even though I have had my vaccine – I can’t booster yet because of the new protocol at this time, so I’m sitting here — feeling alot like the people are playing russian roulette with my life. They have a gun pointed at me, and they are just flipping that chamber.

Because it is honestly safer for me to assume everyone has it than maybe they don’t. Seven degrees – the likily hood that they have in their ignorant childlike happy go lucky state, been exposed to another ignorant child like happy go lucky state, and on and on – until one of the seven layers got “unlucky” with exposure – well then the whole pyramid comes crashing down, and we get the reason why its the third leading cause of death in the USA. — Move over Cancer, there is a new bad guy coming, and the best part – he is totally avoidable if we didn’t have so many people that just ….

Well there is a part of the brain that should be “applied” to a situation, and a part that you can put on auto pilot – its like that part that comes alive when the crazy person car is coming right for you on the freeway – you either move out of the way – even though they are “unreal” by driving the wrong direction, and they can’t possible exist – you still have two real choices – Ignore them, or act.

Its the same with life – ignore or act.

Just being aware that I am connected — atleast statistically and from the seven degree game from the past (I never could figure out someone that didn’t lead me back to Kevin Bacon) — to nearly everyone suffering, everyone contagious, and everyone dying from this situation – I just gotta be like fort knox used to be – and protect my own ASSETs. Clearly that is my one job.

Life is good.

One Job

I recall one of the seminars I did last year on Radical healing – one of the people presented their story – and they did a retelling of their experience with Chemo – and the part that has stuck deeply into my head is something from their experience and something they specifically said.

They said that the doctor and nurses had all covered the bad side effects, and that they decided they weren’t going to have any of them. That the chemo was going to go to the cancer and kill it and leave their body unharmed.

This is a powerful message – it was not new or news to me – but hearing someone else spout it was a little reminder “Hey make sure to tell the cells not to take this nonsense in – let it just go to the cancer cells”

It has had a much better impact and effect for me overall.

With this new protocol – I am winning the lottery – my cells and I decided we didn’t like this list of side effects that are extremely common and we decided we were not going to get them – if we do get them because they are really common across three different drugs I have to take – individually, and especially cumulatively – we will work with these meds for the best possible outcome and help my body stave off these less than pleasant things – and this woman’s mental space in my head – the message she said, is my gentle reminder how truly possible this is – sometimes its a matter of juggling – sometimes its harder or easier to let the side effects slip thru the net, but generally they are alot more managable.

Yesterday my mum and I were talking – mostly about the fact of how immuno compromised I am – and how my entire life, with all the rare and weird things I have personally had and experienced – how they have been tools and stepping stones – bread crumbs if you will along this path to making a stronger more powerful me – they have helped me deal with so many of the things.

Got to spend some quality time with the girls yesterday, and spend more time in D’s new apartment – an man that place rocks. Not only is the view truly incredible, but it has so much – or it seems like it has so so much more space. Space for days, so many possibilities of wonder – she is setting up her style in the place, and personalizing it for her best good, it shows and its truly amazing. I can’t wait to visit again soon to see how she has progressed.

Did acupuncture yesterday and man, have to echo again how helpful it is – with getting my cells in line and doing the right thing – its like recruiting another boss to be in charge of the basic training troops and getting them ready for basic training. It just tweaks so many little things in my body to remember their one job and to help me in this battle.

The new protocol is a challenge – finally found a few things that might make it easier, and trying them out – but then next week we will finish with the worst and perhaps more sleep will be ahead for me!! Its hard to get the backlog sleep right now because needing to keep the meds spaced, and eat “with them” makes it challenging – I mean I don’t know alot of peeps that get up at :5-6 and immediately “eat” 300+ calories. I didn’t used to — lol but its the only way to ensure that dinner can be at a 5-6 window by doing this – and it ensures I don’t through off P’s schedule for eating anymore than necessary – he is my echoing army helping from the outside to keep things in perspective and lift me up when I am having the need.

The one thing that is both nice and unpleasant at the whole time is the realization that all these chemicals have prematurely aged my cells and body about 20 years. So in many senses, the achey things I’m feeling are just generally age related. This is a life pill to swallow that is often more challenging than the chemo ones. I do realize its a mental exercise from the universe to say “hey do the good things now while you can because they aint gonna get any easier later” – Doesn’t make them see more inspiring now, but it does make me realize that they will help me feel better and make 87 more pleasant.

Overall, Life is good.

Twirl that Crendlin

There are sometimes that I feel old. P had an intern this summer that was both helpful for him with the amazing work she did and with the help he was providing her with life information. In one of their last sessions their “check out” — A colloquialism that we refer to came up and she said in the sweetest tone “whats a pager?” – because she really, in her life and age and experiences, didn’t know – and she felt safe asking P for these life questions. Needless to say he and I both bust out laughing – as he went on to explain it to her, I was just rolling on the floor. This is a smart woman finishing her masters program and she really had never seen or heard of a pager. It wasn’t part of her life.

It made me feel like what it would be like for so many in history if we were to ask about this – like if someone referenced their “joke” about something related to the washboard – it is something beyond us – there has always been a washing machine.

The things that are just a headshake of a realization is that computers have always been a part of the lives of most of the people I’m encountering in my travels. They have less face to face social skills because a good bit of their life was spent with only distance and hidden and that makes a huge difference in perception of “acceptable” – because you don’t have the non verbal to clue you in to what was intended.

Was in the lobby of the place I go weekly for my labs. This was my daily “SNAFU” — because I’d sat for over an hour before “we” (the labs person who is a good friend, me, and the receptionist) – that I had not been “checked in” as intended — but during this time, I was able to meet the kind lady next to me – her husband had brought in 3 dozen donuts for the nurses — something this woman and I didn’t like the idea of doing because not many have self control to say “no” when presented with a beautiful box of tasty donuts in our face. So we were bonding over this shared lament – when I found out she was the wife of the patient – and she had Alzheimer’s – wow that is not a journey I envy or wish to travel. She was so kind, our discourse was so pleasant. It was a brief encounter but so meaningful – because it once again reminded me that no matter how big my struggles look to me, everyone has struggles and they too are dealing with them with as much grace, humility and dignity as they can muster.

There was another woman in the lobby that was a new to cancer patient – I very much enjoy talking to these people — they are easy to tell because they all share that frightened glazed look of “this can’t be happening to me” — and its truly meaningful when that look is brushed away for a few moments in meaningful discourse that isn’t necessarily a solution but is helpful and empowering to them – and by helping strengthen another human its incredible powerful to me.

This is a challenging time for me – I had finally recently gotten to a zen with taking my daily meds – both the ocd factor of timing and the balance between taking and sleeping. It was – well I still believe even with as many of my great strides, I’m likely to be a poster child for “don’t take meds” — but I had come to a detente with myself over the need vs the frustration/worry and we were in accord and happy. Now enter this new protocol which has…. “worse” meds – they do remarkable things, and I feel like they will be exceptionally helpful for me in my healing, however the “things they require” are somewhat restrictive, unpleasant, and generally I’m back to the rollercoaster of OMG YOUR LATE WITH YOUR PILLS — that I’ve had for a couple years now lol. So once I get my physicological house to allow me to have permission to care less about this, things will be better, but for now, we will endure the System of the Down song chop suiz “wake up” pounding thru my head far too early so I don’t sleep longer and miss them.

Overall life is a rollercoaster, but enjoying it with all my barn yard friends on the ride with me makes it quite enjoyable.

Life is good.

New Patterns New routines

I don’t know exactly what to call that part of me that “strives” for consistency and ease of function. Today is day 2 of this protocol, and I’m still adjusting.

I think I can see the positive spin on this however. Taking these meds orally is alot better/easier for controlling things. While I will be working with my doctor for “what it is” — working with is the appropriate term, its a more aggregated approach to routining this medicine on the daily.

While there are some aspects with every job that one dislikes, overall they should be smaller than the others.

I have to say while I don’t recall applying for the job of fighting cancer, I do recall the day I was told I was hired. I do recall all the steps along the path of learning and mastering this job – the steps that I let other people decide how we would handle that I could have prepared myself better for – the steps that had left me so lost, the fight against having this job. I recall becoming resigned, I recall when I thought I had finally been able to move to a different job but then the day I was told “no no we need you still here” …. and realizing how much more I had to learn.

Today is the day I realize that this therapy while in many ways much more problematic, is likely to be more dynamic and definitely allows for more optimistic of a direction and an approach then any of my others. It also allows for a daily redirection to ensure that I am focused on that “you had one job” mentality – its hard to forget your fighting cancer when you are taking medicines specifically towards this purpose every day twice a day.

On a separate and side note. I recall the day — like so many before this day — where I was walking home with my brother “buddies” from school and my brother — barefoot, having removed my shoes and slung them over my shoulders. I recall hopping skipping and jumping right on to that bee stinger. I recall sitting down and walling – so often as children do – to let the world know that I was dying of the pain.

I recall the angel that came along and used his “scarf” — something rarely seen in the heat of the Florida weather – and kneeled down to examine. How he smiled at me, and he said, as he pointed to my shoes: “you know these might prevent this” – as he peacefully and calmly mentioned “this might hurt a tiny bit” — as he freed my foot from the stinger.

I remember how he helped me by cleaning off the spot with his scarf, then helping me return my shoes to my feet, and he smiled as he helped me up. He walked past me to continue on his journey, and I proceeded a couple steps before I turned to see he had vanished. I hobbled home, limping with all of my war injury and having learned so many valuable lessons in that day.

One makes me pause today, as I encounter so many people that move carefree throughout their day without using masks in public. I hear his words in my ear “you know this might help” — I recall the words of the doctor with her nurse that told me of the sadness felt when a patient dying of covid asks “can’t you just give me a vaccine?” How they are forced to explain that the vaccines are only designed to be helpful before you get the virus to reduce and teach your cells to be smarter – Sometimes lessons in life are too late. Opportunities to learn early are there, carpe diem. By thy will shall we learn, by our will shall we embrace.

So many lessons right now for so many people, so many frustrations along the path of learning, and little daily challenges. But there are just as many wonderful things, wonderful people and supports in our lives, angels to come and take out the stinger all around us, we really only have to be able to welcome and receive.

Thank you universe for teaching me these lessons so early and allowing me to be reminded of them again and again.

Life is good.

Training wheels of life

Have started and deleted this blog a few times – so I’m going to do something uncharacteristic for a personal blog that I share with the world wide web – I’m going to preface this with the direct statement that my thoughts are in no way intended offensively or intended to be at all construed as intending anything more than peace of MY mind.

On this super ridiculously early morning, my mind in all of Alethia Insanity provided me with a “helper” analogue that has both made me laugh and put me into a better place with the Protocol I’m about to start.

When I was in High School I was “recruited” to join the military – my scores were ridiculously high on the pretests and they “wanted me” …. I was vehemently against this – not that I lack a super high level of regard and respect for all of my fellow humans that have chosen a different path. The thought of intentionally signing away my freedoms to fight for the right of someone else — well the parallel of what I have done my whole life was lost on me at the time, I it seemed not just a frightening thing to me, but a path not for me.

Fast forward to dealing with Cancer.

Having not joined the Military but having MANY MANY individuals in my life with whom I have conversed and expanded my experience with the sharing of theirs and the knowledge of their road traveled as members of the armed forces. I feel loosely qualified to make this comparision.

Being diagnosed with Cancer is not so dissimilar to the journey of a private.

Things you took for granted are now gone. Things you “assumed” have now changed. Life will never look remotely the same – ever again. Certain things will become part of your “new life” – Many of them wildly uncomfortable and dissatisfying and annoying – but they are life.

You will be rushed from one step to another along this path at the pace someone else dictates.

The more assertive and responsive you are the more quickly you will be “promoted” but there is alot of self guided knowledge required to do these steps.

Fast forward to today – I’m due for my next “protocol” which is in this parallel universe much like a “promotion” — I have learned the ropes over my time in this “army fighting cancer” — I have learned that so much relies on me but the higher ups keep sending me commands which seem counter intuitive.

I feel like this protocol will do as intended – remarkably strong things – but much like bombing a village with innocent women and children – there is likely to be alot of fall out. There are many beautiful important growing cells that are NOT cancer that will be damaged and killed within this process of “potentially” cutting the insurgence at the knees at the heart of their operation. I’ve had trouble resigning myself to it individually.

However utilizing this analogue has truly helped incredible, because while I am an extreme patient advocate – Greater Good is an important concept to keep in mind – and the fact that there is a Chain of Command – of which I’ve spent a great deal of time developing and cultivating with the best of the best to ensure that the direction I am given is creating more positive outcome than destruction in its wake.

I worry for that little schoolhouse on the hill, my liver, the one that educates all the future leaders in this rebellion that may be damaged directly from this course, but will certainly be overburdened as a refuge for all those struggling during this exchange. While I have done many things to reinforce and strengthen the walls, and the sustainability of this place, it will be just a few more days to see if the impact was “enough” and then it will be a few months to determine if the school house has adapted and learned to weather the storm. Go Liver go, be strong do your job of removing all this toxic dump of things that I’m injecting and taking orally after they have “done the things” they were assigned to do.

I like this parallel, it gives me strength – one of the things I have always admired is the ability of the strongest people I know to endure all of these emotional hardships, these second guessing internally every decision, and still coming out on top and finding ways to not just bring joy to the ones around them – but even remotely to the ones like me.

Overall Life is good, lets hope these new meds achieve the best possible result with as little casualty as possible. Carpe Diem.

Life is good.

Violation comes in so many forms

Security has always been something to me that I feel is important.

I remember having conversations with my mum about an incident that impacted me from when I was extremely little. I recall another memory of another time from my early child hood – where caregivers were not above the violations. I remember an incident of my childhood where I felt well abandoned, and another from my slightly older childhood where that feeling was echoed. My inner child has serious issues with trust, security and safety.

Last week my acct on that social network that so many use FB was hacked. This just boggles my mind as it was one of my passwords more secure. It just tells me how little safety there is really with everything on the web, when someone wants in they are going to get in.

This has been more than demoralizing, and disheartening to me it has in many ways been dehumanizing to me. Its so so much a little thing, and so much not a little thing. I used this medium to easily connect with so many friends and family – and now its gone.

The trickle down impact of this is that another – yes had one earlier in the year – cc was hacked. Luckily we are hyper security conscious and so we caught it within minutes – the same with the last time, but catching the thief in the act still doesn’t restore your faith in humanity.

The little girl part of me feels – well all those old things come welling to the surface and overall they just make me sad.

There was a time last year, on the fourth or so recurrence of the infection I still have not completely eliminated where I had this voice — heard this voice in my head say “its too much, we can either fight this or cancer, pick one” …. and this is another one of those times – Hi, I’m me — I gave you a copy of my passport FB why can’t you just kick this other body to the curb and give me back my things?

Tomorrow I start another new chemo protocol – one that is really icky from a “what I have to do” perspective – take 6 pills twice a day for two weeks – take 2 pills twice a day for an off week – take an infusion and then start the cycle again – — oh side effects are so so likely and so so great – welcome to the world of perpetual diaharrea and hand/foot syndrome – no more hot showers boys, no more washing dishes— no more ocd with hand washing all the way around…. and then there are the less than 85% likely sideeffects – but hey no point in going into those – I plan to try and win the lottery and have none of these things. The protocol “should” be helpful for the Mets in my brain.

Its just hard to focus on the positive when so many things are looking like poop lately.

On the positive side – I got to see new pictures of my new niece – she is so amazing, she is learning perspectives on the world and she has a smile that lights up a room – she is the spark that makes my heart happy.

Being alive – Life is Good.

Mail Carrier took a day off

Today is my day to let my mind run free with no obligations. There should be more of these. Intuitions have been flashing to me like traffic lights of insight. This time, this age, this day is filled with many world challenges, and my intuitions don’t seem to be providing me with details about less.

I’m not sure which is more of a challenge, the one you stumble into or the one you know is coming. On the one hand one seems more traumatic in the moment – but the other allows you to traumatize yourself over time. Maybe they are both just challenges and there isn’t a lot of rhythm or reason to them – I like and dislike both – I mean “challenges” the word implies they are things beyond what your doing at this time/moment – not insurmountable but requiring “more” of things to accomplish – more energy, more time, more effort, more mental redirection – just more.

I am very blessed to have such a wide and helpful circle of people to share their journey with me, to share their rollercoasters and to listen to mine and to share the overall feeling of hug even if its less physical than it has always been up till this day and age. It is a common thread that this challenge feeling is spread across them all – every one in my life is circling with their own mountains – while this has been the case for all of my life – the mountains are a reminder your learning and living – It just seems like they are alot more ‘daunting’ for so many of them.

Its a case of misery loves company I suppose, but somehow hearing and sharing in someone elses personal struggles, their personal mountains, their personal perspective on “driving forward” is helpful to me with my own – it sort of like sharing the load of theirs and sharing the load of mine – and we both get help and compassion.

It doesn’t feel like this is a negative thing – I mean it can certainly be negative– both in perception and in effect – however most of the peeps in my circle abound with infinite positivity just like me — the universe is a grand place filled with moments and memories to be had and experienced, and shared. Even these challenging ones – which I’m finding after the instantaneous moment they are really somewhat laughable – mostly because my intuition is laughing with me about it – its like “remember when….”

I am learning more and more about this intuition – the fact that as much as the information seems so NOT uplifting – that the nature of the circle is that even when something is removed, it has a ripple of uplifting – and this is a reminder to me that no energy is every lost, it grows into those amazing flowers we see, or becomes the new born bird eggs, or the bunnies that come back again and again to my yard – or the promise of other victories.

Life is all about the experiences, the ones we want, the ones we hope for and the ones we have to learn from.

Life is good.