Was a quote from a game that R spent hours at the arcade playing – and I loved loved watching – 720 – which just seemed appropriate since today is that day.

Funny how things like that make your mind giggle. Like the fact that someone shared an amusing thing with me about how Convenient a day 711 was…. Small things, always the small things.

Today is wrought with appts with doctors. Both of whom are ones I deeply respect and actually enjoy the appts usually, but there is still an uneasy sense of apprehension that settles around my head every time before a dr appt. …. I mean bluntly, if you are “going to the doctor” its not so he can tell you how “great you are” — its for the other side, there is something you need expertise beyond your own self on your own body and the conditions occurring – so normally not going to be a thing to look forward to…. in a sense.

I’m working right now to help my mind reframe this – that its the equivalent of going to the library when you are doing research – clearly you have exhausted the resources within your immediate grasp so the doctor is the overly helpful librarian to give you direction where to seek or hunt next. — Yeah thats the ticket Alethia – there we go with a frame I can use.

So many great things happening right now, I get to share on the fringe and within my circle, such a powerful time to be alive. “with power comes responsibility” — or “infinite cosmic power, itty bitty living space”

Both quotes seem wildly appropriate and still very limiting. Watched a video about upcoming walk outs planned to help “produce change” – there is a great part of me – and apparently many others that feels like our class “diversity” has been shifting to the “haves” and the “have nots” — and as one of those units in the middle – its quite scary. This has occurred times in the past, in Americas past; and the results were while dynamic – it seems like we should have the capacity to learn from our history, learn from our challenges and advance or get thru this in a better less apocalyptical way – but it also seems like that is unlikely to occur.

I’m torn with staying “aware” of what’s going on in the macro cosmos … and sticking my head in the sand for the moment to focus on the apocalyptic things going on within the macro cosmos of me. The internal struggle I’m having right now with things is very parallel to the one going on to society and life – I’m humbled by alot of the contrasts.

Of course all these retrospectives don’t really serve me towards accomplishing the “one goal” or the “other” and two many pots means one of mine is probably going to get overcooked.

Speaking of cooked! I made the most wonderful Suppa Tuscana the other day! Pretty excited how it turned out – going to have to make it again for T when she gets back from holiday – I think this is what she was expecting/hoping for when I made the last “potato” soup…. and it wasn’t….. but this one — I have mastered you now, because you turned out exactly as I expected, soup – its on!

Overall, and in great abundance – Life is good.

Smoothies of banana mango apples freshly juiced are so so good. We started a few weeks ago making these mostly because I had apples that needed to get used, and we had a surplus of Bananas – as they have been a thing we added to costco – now with our ability to vacuum seal we are ordering bananas and avacodos there which when the ripen we freeze what we have left.

The mango gives such a unique flavor – its a fruit I have never really had extensive experience with but P in his infinite wisdom searched and found “the way” for how you easily separate it from the skin/seed to get the most of the tasty delicious goodness. Its a fruit, much like apple super rich in nutrients.

As re-scan week comes to a close I’m struck by how much I’ve come to recognize these as very much like the little notes my bug guys leave outside my door. They are neither solution nor bane they just happen. Hopefully doctors will have fun stories to tell me next week.

Apparently congress in their infinite wisdom passed some law that obligates medical establishments to pass on results of these and other tests within 24 hours. I mean I’m not at all complaining because “getting” and “knowing” whats what sooner is … well its appreciated. I do not have a medical degree however and its not something I’d have interest in obtaining and the results never just say “good” “bad” they use a butt load of jargon that I have to search for and hope that I’m finding some “smart” not some “silly” result ….. After all, the bane of the anonymity of the web is that all the information is not as factual and correct as it may have started out in the past when it was university based. Now its littered with the same marketing propaganda that the rest of life finds itself riddled with – we have Termites of the web folks, too bad the best pesticide for this is to get the pirates to be bug guys of the web.

Sufficed to say another 3 month of status obtained and now its time to zen into the next little bit and enjoy the beauty of life. Takes a little longer to clear the contrast from my body than it did five years ago, but it will clear and I’ll feel better and less tired than I do today.

Chemo is next week, and we are “moving on up” as they would sing at the beginning of the Jefferson’s. — I wonder if that show was prejudiced. So many spider webs, so little time.

On to fun things!

Life is good.

There are certain aspects of oneself that the more you learn about the easier it is to find the source, and to evolve.

I’m a data analyst – before it was cool to be a data analyst – more as a personality type or “what I do when you tell me something” – I’m certain alot of personality types do this – but I’ve got it down to a science …. I’m effectively a black belt in data analysis – meaning to say there are many many times when I get it “wrong” because my mind takes this or that rabbit hole then I take a significant amount of time and energy to convince myself we are off course and retrace my mental steps – but overall the entire process is my “skill”

Most people I’ve met have this skill in one for or another, they take given piece of data and they “process it” – what that process looks like I’ve done extensive evaluation on — (Hint data analysis on people) and while it seems like it could or would be the same – its not at all the same.

What one person hears, the specific words, tone, inflection, pauses – are NOT the same as another. Every filter: Visual, Auditory, Smell and other sensory has significant amount of influence, as well as state of mind. Perception of the information is excessively important in the data anaylsis that most people do….. which part of me finds extremely amusing; its like the Theatre of data.

With the theatrical exposure and data I’ve gathered in my life its all about controlling the perception or how people take in what you give them to carry them to a specific conclusion. “manipulation” of a form

That being said, I take the data back to its raw form – clean off the perceptions, and the sensory — not discounting them because gut reaction on things is another point of data – as well as “other peoples take on things” is another point of data – but I digress.

I think this must be alot like what an English teacher does with an essay from an exceptional verbose student. They break it down to the frame work the “outline” of what was intended – if they can do this; then the essay has the structure it needs – and if not, then well it maybe a brilliant piece of fiction but it is neither clear nor concise.

I like Data. It is a form of storytelling. It conveys its truth both in form and function – not always applicable for me, but always of some substance. The ride is worth the ticket.

There are skills I’ve found – some I have, some I’ve observed, and many I am still desiring to master – that are excessively helpful for this data analysis – one I’m struggling with is allowing for the ride when I’ve already bought the ticket.

Like get on the train, sit there enjoy the sounds of the engine heating up – enjoy the heat from the outside as you sit stagnantly at the station – enjoy the vibrations and the whispers of the other passengers are you start to move – then the transition into the wind blowing thru the windows and the hustle and bustle in the cabin as the steward comes thru to help people get situated and for ticket checking.

All these things I find often boring and so I’ve mastered skills to hustle them along and hustle the herd into the stables – but I bought the ticket, and they are part of the ride. Clearly, I thought this experience would be a once in a life time pleasure so it makes sense to enjoy the moments before the roller coast dips thru the loops – those quick pauses at the beginning when the car is getting loaded and situated, the safety instructions over the PA – I should be relishing these things. Learning to enjoy them – is what I’m working with now.

The data analyst in my brain – she rarely shuts up – often times I find her doing the most ridiculous mental loops or calisthenics – you know in gym class where they made you do 50 push ups or 50 pull ups or some other ridiculous number of laps to get to the “goal” — well my head seemed to think that was a requirement so I learned to take a thought and process it upside down, around and thru quickly with many many repetitions, and that is what my brain still does – even in these days when I need to “slow down, life is to be savored” – so even in its modified state, I’m working to teach it to let the things go — not to lose the data analysis but maybe so much review isn’t necessary as I’m limiting what I’m exposing it to – and to whom.

Being a gamer, I remember playing Everquest. I remember spending long times playing that game – and forming longtime friendships there. I remember when they heard about this new game coming out Worlds of Warcarft (wow) and how they were all excited. One of my friends was “in the know” with the game development community and got us all alpha invites to help with testing.

I remember playing “wow” before it was released, and “testing” particular things. Learning the game from both the Horde side (commonly thought of as the bad guys but not really) and the Alliance (commonly thought of as the good guys but not really) and trying different classes.

I remember that even though we worked so hard to level up a character in this new exciting game, they would be reset and were when release happened. We started over.

My particular group of friends formed a “guild” (group of friends that all gather together for a common purpose, makes item/currency exchange easier, and significantly makes chatting within the game easier) They named the guild “Apatheia” — which at the time I recall feeling was the same as apathy and felt it was an odd name but what ever type of thing.

Paths diverged as they so often do and I lost touch with those folks.

Today in posting, I had cause to look up both Apathy and Apatheia on the great source of wisdom for this age “google” ….

Apathy:

ap·a·thy/ˈapəTHē/Learn to pronouncenoun

1. lack of interest, enthusiasm, or concern.

Apatheia: Apatheia (Greek: ἀπάθεια; from a- “without” and pathos “suffering” or “passion”), in Stoicism, refers to a state of mind in which one is not disturbed by the passions. It is best translated by the word equanimity rather than indifference. The meaning of the word apatheia is quite different from that of the modern English apathy, which has a distinctly negative connotation. According to the Stoics, apatheia was the quality that characterized the sage.

In hindsight of life, this makes so much more sense why they named the guild this – and today, of all days I’m struck with a very uncharacteristic sense of apatheia.

It strikes a cord with me that its derivation is Greek – always find it amusing when a word harmonizes with the origin of my name.

This is test week – so far I’ve done my MRI & CT – and due to the mixed blessing/curse of the modern age and posting of results I have gotten results back from both. Mixed bag. I’ll wait for doctors to “translate and put spin” on these things.

It is just striking to me how going into this week I have just had an overwhelming sense of Apatheia.

Next week is chemo and there are so many fun things to be looking into and exploring thats pretty much all I need to say.

Life is good.

I learned something this morning – its sorta hard to explain and its completely Alethia Insanity. Nine is more important than seven.

No need to further elaborate on this, the lesson came blatantly clear and I had an aha moment. Thank you.

Yesterday was an amazing orange sky – P made a mention so I’d take a breather and appreciate it. It was one of those skies that the universe sends to remind us that we are not the end all we think we are – there is more happening than we have awareness of, and clearly it happened before we arrived, and will continue to occur after we are gone.

It was an amazing holiday weekend – we did nothing. I think thats part of what makes it amazing – Rest is apparently a thing, nothing is apparently a thing – both can be just as tiring as “something” and “some thing”

Today seems to be a productive hopeful day – thank you again to my new knowledge. Faith in the fact that if I get lost, I can just dori and things will turn out fine.

There are some things in the flux of life of which I am apprehensive, this weekend we took some time to clear a few of the things out of my headspace – but its remarkable to me now quickly that space evaporates into being absorbed after its cleared. The thing about life is the ongoing journey of clear, acquire, learn, evolve – so breathtaking so beautiful so often trying and annoying but wonderful in those moments of revelation.

Hurrah coffee – I put in another order for the new place I’ve found to enjoy and am enjoying a cup of it now – I did find the Pumpkin Spice I had did turn out MUCH better with age – the flavors subtled and this has made all the difference.

Had a weird retrospective the other day about the closet doors I painted so so long ago with multiple colors – Four to be exact – and a wonder about someone else covering that up not realizing the amount of joy derived from the pleasure of seeing the fruits of labor evolve daily – Its not unsimilar to the yellow roses we stenciled and painted on the window wall in my home when we first arrived – its a frequent reminder of the joy available to be had – the feeling of the moment for what I’d need down the line – and its so so true. But its much the same – because now its time for a new spark….. Just haven’t yet demised where that will be….. Several things have … crossed my erratic mind of late, and waiting to see which one sticks on the wall – aha spaghetti.

Overall and in grand abundance – Life is good.

Is often a more than just a little scary….. Had an incident where we went to the “infectious disease doc” the one intuition has told me repeatedly was a good apple….. Her name and my general impression confirms this but I digress.

So we get to the place, and P is like “we have been here before”…. and I’m racking my brain mush to try and connect with how this is possible – the building isn’t very old and I can’t think of any reason other than the reason for the appt we are heading to that would drive us to this place.

This is one of those things that is bugging me, losing things – losing memories – I’ve had to allow myself to let them go, live is more valuable than the past and if I wish to see how I developed from past experiences, I really haven’t much further than my perceptions to explore.

So I’m trying to pull this memory, struggling and thinking and struggling and thinking – and I’m feeling alot like Pooh Bear with his “think think, think think” — and I walk inside the place and BOOM there it is….

The lobby is set up alot like our old HMO in CA, Kaiser – which I loved – its a meat market – but due to current conditions its very sparse, and I can read and negotiate better.

The memory comes pouring back to me – somewhat unrequested, although fully requested because its one of those “oh yeah momma here you go”… type of things – and I recall the experience from the year before not all the details but the waiting for over an hour after check in – being checked into the wrong place – first floor not second floor where the Doc I’m here to see is located, and them telling me “its too late to see me now as they have given my appt away, and would I like to reschedule” — and me being over the top angry in the moment. Why? Because I was practicing patience – P in his infinite wisdom went to his calendar – as mine had been scrubbed of this experience and provided further insight to elaborate that it was the day before my surgery – literally hours before my anticipation was that the issue in question would be resolved the next day so I didn’t need the appt after all….. Famous last words, or thoughts….

So I’m realizing all this as I’m walking to the place I know is the wrong check in – and I wait for them to tell me …. “Yep gotta check in upstairs” and I’m suddenly torn in 3 directions emotionally as I head for the elevator and check in on the second floor and wait in an identical waiting area to the one below on the first floor …

So many conflicting thoughts… and the only thing I can think is “better late then never” …. the Dr was as I expected brilliant and I feel like I have a direction for this obstacle.

The realization that I could so adamantly forget the entire negative experience, but have it flood back into my mind was “new” and well bluntly rather unpleasant. Good on me for letting it go, but interesting that it wasn’t really gone forever – the experience was still there just buried so deep as to be well it feels like the bad prize from lets make a deal – like where you just “know” they shouldn’t be trading the thing that isn’t super great but has some value for the thing behind door 2 because you just “know” its worse.

Gotta get a tad better at letting it go I think, also at reacting in the moment.

Overall, Life is good.

**minor rant first about word press** wish they would stop changing settings because the inadvertently messed me up <again> today by deleting a draft I had in process because of their wonderful feature to “auto log you to WordPress rather than your own webpage – which somehow failed to log me in and failed enough to time me out for 20 minutes as well as eat the blog I had in process *** end rant.

On to today – what I can recall of it lol atleast – this brain being fluff is sometimes a little less fun than others.

The George Michael song “gotta have faith” sticks in my head today as I write this…. not that I’m all consumed by faith more that its strong in me – there is a pyramid of my thinking and this is somewhere near the top.

The old adage “hope springs eternal” is relevant. As we are all energy beings, from a cosmic source of energy that is neither ended nor created it exists – hope is like this, a well spring deep inside. Sometimes it needs to be cleaned or restored to remove that muck that accumulates, but its everlasting and a part of the cosmic universe that is one.

When you have hope in “something” or “someone” – the manifestation of this hope is based upon your belief. Belief is the strong sense or feeling that the Hope is not only possible but is likely to occur. The belief that the energy of the hope is strong and powerful and able to overcome small buildings in a single bound – no wait that’s superman – well its a sort of relevant saying – belief is like cosmic super power – when you add Faith into it it becomes powerful enough to move mountains and to shift reality into whatever the hope was behind the belief.

Faith gets a rap of being external – a “faith” in an all powerful sense or existence in the universe that controls the outcome of things. When in reality Faith is internal – a faith in the very essence of your core that your hopes and believes drive you further.

This is not a theoretical discussion/debate/exposition – there are a ton of those in this blog already and while I’m more than willing to stand on what I have external faiths about – there is neither “rightness” nor “wrongness” in the external faiths of others – there is only the power to clean or pollute the well of hope both the one that resides in me, and the one that resides in every other living being.

Hope is a powerful source, belief is one of its tools, and when you add Faith your cooking with gas and all things are possible.

Today is a good day.

To the expression the spice must flow…. I am feeling a desire to blog, however I don’t feel I have overly alot to convey or remember right at this moment – so the Alethia insanity will take over and share one of the random insights that has crossed my mind lately.

If the movie Dune is an allegory for the human body – it makes somewhat the spice the white blood cells – atleast in my vision of this world. The spice must flow. I’ve given a bit of thought to the fact that the dune sand creatures are all the entities that make up my reality inside my body – some of them benevolent many not. The spice is the only thing they all share a need and desire to obtain.

It somewhat makes me think the bene gesserit are the lymph – serving a valuable purpose but also quite annoying in their discomfort and archaic processes that while clearly effective often have unintended consequences.

Another of the rabbit holing I have done is from a dream recently where I “entered” the fifth dimension and took a disney like trip to the “empire” that is Alethia. We visited the brain – where I have been struggling to resolve/remove/heal the remaining tumors. WE – I say we because the white blood cells were my entourage and also led the charge to resolve issues.

When we went to visit the areas, we found white blood cells that had been set as defense barriers around what we will define as a biker bar. Filled with Bikers content to chug a lug. The “team” with me was content to stun the white blood cells – the good guys – and to stun the bikers. They had intents of just keeping thing stunned and clearing things out slowly.

I had other plans. I went in with my automatic weapon and took out all the bikers- and then thru a weird sense of oddness I had the giant in my entourage consume all the nutrients left over like a stilt suit and then report to recommissioning to reclaim the nutrients.

This made the expression – soylent green is people – sort of pop thru my head as I knew that the white blood cell would be decommissioned and all his resource gathered, and he was willing and wanting to help the tribe overall with this goal.

We visited the other sites that had previously been biker bars where the “stun” tactic was applied – and I proceeded to wipe them out in a clean sweep and again we reclaimed the resources.

It was a bit more graphic and I’m a tad curious the fact that I was able to reconcile the activities easily – using a star trek expression from Spoke “the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few” ….

Sufficed to say that after the clearing occured I’ve gone back to those spots to check on them and to plant flowers. I’ve still put the white blood cells thru rehab and got them gardening up a storm now.

There are more dragons to challenge but of the worst I feel these ones are down a path.

Life is good.

P & I joined the AB club to define kitchen and other tools as multitaskers (most) or unitaskers – things designed for one particular task that aren’t really particularly useful otherwise and take up valuable landscape.

Before I spiderweb on this…. We had a unitasker recently “an apple corer” that I have been diligently seeking “other applications for…” so it can join the multitasker world instead of the abominous unitasker world.

This day however proved it not only to be a unitasker, but a poor one — as the apple – not huge, but clearly a larger medium size than the corer was designed to handle. The apple got stuck – at the dangerous point where most was cored and the last was not. We had to take additional time to break out the apple, and then knife slice it – which would have been significantly faster in the first place – I mean coring apples is pretty straightforward and simple.

You had one job. Yeah you guessed it time for the Segway. Just like this corer, this unitasker was unable to perform its most basic function – it has been surprising to me at how often, how frequently people are employed for one task and similarly fail to do that one job.

I mean we all have off days – perhaps this was just an off day for the corer.

Makes me think of the fellowship of the ring- One ring to rule them all…. I mean what if the ring just had an off day – the whole plot of that movie would have fallen quite significantly.

There are many things in our lives that we come to expect to “fulfill their function by virtue of their design” and this makes them “in everyway perfect” – but what about when they don’t?

Whats the appropriate emotional response? I guess appropriate emotional is an extremely subjective viewpoint just reeking of asking for opinionated judgy conversation – but is there a time when its necessary to scream about the failed job?

Or is the fact that I get emotionally engaged about this failure a reflection of the fact that I am way too attached. I mean what if the unitasker in question is lifesupport equipment? Or those paddles?

What if the one job is the pharmacist that is making up the batch of my medicine? What makes those things any different from the corer that got the apple stuck? Overall its still failing to perform their one job.

I think that perhaps I’m leaving out alot of breadcrumbs to sanity as well as coping mechanisms to just let it go here – but I will still very much enjoy the coined phrase “you had one job” — atleast in my head to amuse me when someone fails to do their one job and it causes me …. anything.

Please enjoy your one job today its Friday afterall 🙂

Life is good.

Butt Out – not just the expression for a dancer that is learning the ropes, but a lesson for me to use alot.

We tried a new breakfast place today – they had a cold brew called “jet fuel” – I had to try it – although its one of those cases where I should have recognized that jet fuel probably doesn’t taste good. It doesn’t, it doesn’t taste good! Live and learn.

Life has been good lately – I’ve done so many things, and I’m so surprised at how well they have worked out.

I also have a few things to learn – basically how and when to Butt- okay really I guess its but maybe? – out – meaning stop trying to save the world, save myself.

Been exercising – which I find is one of those things you feel the rewards of the next day in return – its kinda like your body says “oh you wanted us to work extra, well yeah we can do it” … so you end up so so tired, so worn… and then you wake up the next day and magically its like all the effort from the previous day is somehow adding a little more pep to your step. Even though I KNOW this is the case its still challenging to have that discussion with myself to just dooeet…. insert Nikey quote here.

I made a goal – I’ve always found that being able to “mark” that check mark helps. I’m using my rebounder, because its lower impact over all, and alot of focus on the lymph which I have found to be significant. However, I have also found that walking on my treadmill, for now since outside is not a place to be overall, helps. P has gotten me all set up with a super good place to use it, and accoutrements that make it more fun, he really is a good partner for me.

So many of the people I care about, are in that place where capitalism arbitrarily deciding to swoop down and bless them would be a benefit. It isn’t that they are “in trouble” more that life is a different sort of challenge for them.

Its definitely a thing for me to remember and help me to focus on me – that everyone has challenges – just while they are different we are all together bound by our solidarity of the fact that life poses these obstacles to let us challenge our thinking and our limits, and learn what we are capable of doing. Its very inspiring.

Just have to stay focused on healing. All paths lead to the goal of more health, stronger health, and abundance of health in my life.

Life is good.