Learning to let go

Is often a more than just a little scary….. Had an incident where we went to the “infectious disease doc” the one intuition has told me repeatedly was a good apple….. Her name and my general impression confirms this but I digress.

So we get to the place, and P is like “we have been here before”…. and I’m racking my brain mush to try and connect with how this is possible – the building isn’t very old and I can’t think of any reason other than the reason for the appt we are heading to that would drive us to this place.

This is one of those things that is bugging me, losing things – losing memories – I’ve had to allow myself to let them go, live is more valuable than the past and if I wish to see how I developed from past experiences, I really haven’t much further than my perceptions to explore.

So I’m trying to pull this memory, struggling and thinking and struggling and thinking – and I’m feeling alot like Pooh Bear with his “think think, think think” — and I walk inside the place and BOOM there it is….

The lobby is set up alot like our old HMO in CA, Kaiser – which I loved – its a meat market – but due to current conditions its very sparse, and I can read and negotiate better.

The memory comes pouring back to me – somewhat unrequested, although fully requested because its one of those “oh yeah momma here you go”… type of things – and I recall the experience from the year before not all the details but the waiting for over an hour after check in – being checked into the wrong place – first floor not second floor where the Doc I’m here to see is located, and them telling me “its too late to see me now as they have given my appt away, and would I like to reschedule” — and me being over the top angry in the moment. Why? Because I was practicing patience – P in his infinite wisdom went to his calendar – as mine had been scrubbed of this experience and provided further insight to elaborate that it was the day before my surgery – literally hours before my anticipation was that the issue in question would be resolved the next day so I didn’t need the appt after all….. Famous last words, or thoughts….

So I’m realizing all this as I’m walking to the place I know is the wrong check in – and I wait for them to tell me …. “Yep gotta check in upstairs” and I’m suddenly torn in 3 directions emotionally as I head for the elevator and check in on the second floor and wait in an identical waiting area to the one below on the first floor …

So many conflicting thoughts… and the only thing I can think is “better late then never” …. the Dr was as I expected brilliant and I feel like I have a direction for this obstacle.

The realization that I could so adamantly forget the entire negative experience, but have it flood back into my mind was “new” and well bluntly rather unpleasant. Good on me for letting it go, but interesting that it wasn’t really gone forever – the experience was still there just buried so deep as to be well it feels like the bad prize from lets make a deal – like where you just “know” they shouldn’t be trading the thing that isn’t super great but has some value for the thing behind door 2 because you just “know” its worse.

Gotta get a tad better at letting it go I think, also at reacting in the moment.

Overall, Life is good.

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