Song stuck in my head – not really relevant but kind of I suppose like most of the other lyrics…. Heart: These dreams – so I had a anxiety dream last night – P took care of me and took me around to make sure peeps were doing okay.

Its an odd thing, but I’m pretty certain something about this vaccine has a side effect of inducing weird dreams. Not necessarily intensive to the point of waking up screaming – nor to the point of something you would look for a source – more a “hrmm that was a weird/bad dream.” type of thing. I have checked with alot of folks that have gotten this shot, and they too have experienced weird dreams – or weird wakefulness moments after the vaccine.

This could also be a product of the “times” — With so much isolation, people are waking up. Realizing their humanness is not just the skin and bones but also some of the “other things”

We like to call this Alethia Insanity things – the “anti talking outloud” type of things – or rather the things of so many paranormal movies, tv shows and books. People have talked my whole life about “those things” – well, I know some of them to be valid.

Intuition isn’t just an insanity anymore. Everybody is doing it.

It keeps things interesting, and more attached then any other medium I know.

Thank you to all the people in my life that share boundless bounties of blessings with me by just being. Thank you to the ones that go the extra step to dance and savor the possibilities with me. Thank you eternally for all the ones that shower me with love and grace to continually explore all of the realms of possibility and to feel gratitude for all things.

Was having a conversation in my dreams – sorta a weird thing where I was teaching a class about gratitude. The “students” or fellow learners weren’t unaware of the concept but they were … well the depths that gratitude contains are more vast than the entirety of the depths of the ocean or the bounds of space. Gratitude, being a mental thing, and the possibilities of the mind and emotion being limitless. It was an interesting dream, I “joined into” it at the end of the lecture I was giving, and before the “fika” – thanks sweden for teaching me this expression for taking a break and sharing a coffee with friends.

Ganesh has also graced me with infiniteness in my dreams of late – although not traditionally one of my patron deities, it is always a welcome thing to be graced by such a wonderful auspiciously telling spirit. Boundless possibilities.

So I mentioned to P that it wasn’t “really” a rental or the SUV or the camping trip I was wanting for my birthday. It was Smores. The experience of making and enjoying smores with family. This is what I want for my birthday this year. He was so excited to be able to make something more realistic occur I expect I’ll be enjoying wonderfully delicious bounty with friends and loved ones soon.

Something about smores just sings of all that is good and right with the universe – while at the same time realistically being terrible unhealthy and horrible bad for you. Balance in all things.

Life is good.

So we have been clearing and eating thru things in our freezer. Its a rather exciting thing.

One thing, that has come to my attention since …. x times. My tastes have changed. Suddenly Pork tastes amazing. This is after most of my life not enjoying the taste at all. Odd the things that life is bringing me right now.

We made a pork loin in the crockpot last night – super easy with the last apple, and the last of a sauerkraut we left and man did it turn out amazing. So tasty for left overs.

In my grocery store adventures yesterday I picked up a package of super yummy slider bread – because I remembered we had a package of sliders left to be cooked/enjoyed in the freezer. These will be making their way into my belly today – super exciting.

Had a very weird call yesterday from the scheduler for my doctor. They asked if I could come in on Thursday this week. No reason given just a “can you make a ten am appt” — this is so so ominous. I really don’t have time in my life for ominous. I replied to her the sweet scheduling lady to express that I’d like to know why she wants to see me, but the anxiety damage was done, both P and I spent alot of time last night stressing about this….. and the most odd part is its probably innoxious.

I had called yesterday to schedule my next treatment, and my next appt, which they didn’t schedule yet – so I’m overall – well I should say Intuition tells me its just the doctor being OCD (takes one to know one) and that its really nothing to be concerned with – its also her trying to convince me to go to a three week schedule on the meds instead of a four week schedule – which just isn’t’ going to happen because I’ve been doing four weeks for the past year, and having pretty good success with it so far.

Talked to my dads sister last evening which is – well I’ve talked to her a few times in recent months. She was checking to see how we were doing with all the blizzard. We were discussing the vaccines. While I feel like in history there are been many many diseases, I also feel like we are sardines more in a can and littered with less intelligent peeps – the same ones that think its okay to use the bathroom and not wash their hands – so it makes for a tad more scary conditions.

It could also just be that the access of information spreads the fear and anxiety alot more prevalently – as there isn’t really a good place to “get away” from the realities of things right now.

More and more of my friends and family are just exploding with stress. Its like being all stuck in a cookie jar, sure the lid keeps us contained and safe, but we are all still cookies waiting to burst.

I tried Keffir again in my grocery store adventure, since it was one of the things that they had an overabundance of – and keeping a healthy gut biome, I’m convinced is the best tool to health that we have….. and its not as bad as I remember. This one is mango flavored – which truthfully I got in hopes that P would share with me — that didn’t happen lol – and now I’m making my way thru mango keffir – could be worse.

In talks with my therapist yesterday, and in conversations with P I’ve come to realize that the little girl inside of me is quite demanding, her “go to ” comfort thing is often nearly always something edible. So I’m working on finding ways to keep her happy, to embrace her goodness and let her know she is loved – without feeding myself all those yummy delicious things. That being said, sometimes you just gotta let go and enjoy some of the naughty things in life.

Here is to a day of healthier eating, and happier exploring. Also to a clean floor and a happy shiny bathroom.

So many things cross my mind with that phrase….

Its lyrics for a billy joel song “this is the time to remember cause it will not last forever…”

Also carousel of progress “this is the time, this is the best time this is the best time of your life”

Mostly these are good days.

I’m enjoying some of my “new pumpkin bread”…. its surprisingly alot like the gingersnap cookies – I am convinced Molasses is my new friend. Something about it my body is like “yes yes yes”…. and its highly cravable.

I found a buried treasure yesterday. In the process of cleaning out some spaces in preparation for the cleaning people coming – yes I clean before the cleaning people – go figure I like to have the space clutter free before they come in and make it spic and span. This is something I used to be able to handle, but its a good thing to get someone else to help.

I was cleaning, and I came across the rest of my pumpkin spice coffee – already ground up. I had been “saving it” for something special – well TODAY is special by gosh.

Need to make a billion calls out to doctors today – have to get next treatment & next scans scheduled – not one of my favorite things, but a needed thing for this moment in time. Also need to follow up / check in with the neurologist about the reduced seizure meds – they seem to be fine, but it would always be a smart idea to follow up with a doctor.

P & I have been talking about this class b RV. Its like a van that is actually an RV – drivable home – with a bathroom and a space that folds into a bed. Its small – but super pricy. We have talked about renting one to “see” how we do with them. I’m not sure we are “these” type of people – much like when I talked to my uncle last night, I’m definitely certain we are NOT the country type of people to own the acres of land that require daily chores to maintain.

There is something annoying however, about living in an HOA with deed restrictions that prohibit getting a generator?!? – No power for you!

Watching this Youtubber that P enjoys Goonzsquad – they have been building a “house” up in the mountains – and enjoying all their experiences has been — well if I ever ever needed a confirmation this is NOT me… that was it!

Today may include venturing out to the store – since our instacart order keeps getting pushed – We placed this the day before valentines day – and its now scheduled for “possible delivery” Feb 27th. I mean please people; I understand weather WAS inclement – but Fifo? Its not a little order its a pretty larger order, but if I have to shop by gosh I will shop.

Overall, I’m feeling a little better, and ALOT feisty. I think the two go hand in hand…. or well, I’m able to better recognize my feistiness of late.

Happened upon an old email from a friend that lost his battle a few years back. It was an unexpected thing, and the email sort of … well it kinda hit me hard – not everyone gets to win. I will be one of those few.

We have been making a game of using up all the old things in the house – the food cooking game – and its been going pretty great – however the fridge is looking quite spartan and the veg is what I’m after, here is hoping for a propitious day of adventuring if its today.

Last week, was officially the coldest I’ve ever experienced here in Texas. Having lived here over 20 years its the first time that its been single digits ever – and the fact that it lasted for three days was …. an interesting to say the least experience.

The thing about Texas is its great, but its not prepared to be a northern state – it doesn’t have the winterizations in place for such cold conditions and it was truly a hardship for all of us here in the state.

Its amusing to me to have learned that one of our Senators “flew the coup” so to speak, and ran away to a tropical vacation instead of ensuring those that elected him had power, water, and access to basic necessities. I mean family always comes first, and its been made into so many …. well commentaries about this, that I’m certain its clear this isn’t acceptable behavior. Far be it from me to judge someone else coping mechanisms, but it would seem that being in elected office doesn’t ensure that one takes care of the people who put you there, I wonder what it does do.

Representation doesn’t seem to mean the same thing in this society that it once did.

The forced shut down – as there was snow, that was not removed for a week on the roads – closed things like Walgreens – and I was unable to get my anti-seizure meds, which I always seem to have difficulties with – politicians failing to remove them from Class C narcotics – I mean Yeah lets get doped up on meds designed to prevent my brain from going space age – so I typically call to reorder more than a week before I run out – but its ALWAYS a struggle for the Pharmacy – yes I’ve tried several – to get/keep/order these meds.

This time was no different – I called well before the blizzard, but they wouldn’t be able to have the meds till the earliest Monday – which turned out to be the blizzard.

They were closed all week. I would have run out of these meds on Friday – but I had the forethought to “half” them.

Now I’ve talked to the neurologist many times since the seizure festival of Jan 2020. He is in support of what my best thought/plan/intuition is – if its to reduce, he supports, if its to stay the course, he supports. There is not a strong nor persuasive argument for either option – aside from all the hell I had physically last year, and not wanting the possibility of “more seizures” – — they are frightening things.

So we stayed the course all year and early in this year – until winter had other thoughts. We cut the pills in half and effectively reduced my dose to conserve the meds – the most annoying thing about anti seizure meds is they CAUSE seizures. You can’t just stop cold turkey – but reducing was probably my best option. So I reduced.

Low and behold…. some of the miserable symptom I was experiencing was apparently contributable to this medication. Half seemed better. It seems to have continued to contain any seizures, as well as not making me feel quite so much like a walking zombie.

its an amazing thing to me that out of a crazy time and experience I am able to drag a little optimism, a little spark of hope and an incredible positive thing.

Once the blizzard passed, and Walgreens was open, I was able to get the refill of my meds. Still waiting officially to hear back from the neurologist. But overall half seems better.

Now to just keep looking up, and enjoying these sunny days.

This is one of those times I am slightly sad that I didn’t hold out and push for the fireplace inside – that mostly would not be utilized like 90% of the time.

Yes, yes, its official – Hell has finally frozen over. Its been a week of extremely low temperatures here in Austin Texas – its been the coldest in my memory here since we moved here 20+ years ago. There is snow on the ground, in the yard and on the walks that has been there, stationary for more than 3 days. If there ever were a definition of hell freezing over, this would be the one. We have had multiple days in a row in single digits. Many of us are without power, without water – atleast our hurricane learnings/lessons are kicking in and we know what to do – and hey the pandemic had convinced us to ‘stock up’ so we are ready for you Mr Freeze, we are ready.

Texas is just not prepared for this type of temperature – we have no snow plows here in Austin – which means the inches of snow that has formed on I35 is now treacherous. That’s okay because there are those folks with 4×4 that are out blowing the stuff across the individuals manually trying to clear the ice.

And of course, there is our elected Republican senator that chose this time – one of the worst snow storms in the states history to give us the true thumbs up by flying off in the middle of this to the Bahamas.

Conditions like this make me realize how blessed I am – all be it miserable because of not being able to get additional treatments that would have helped with the side effects from chemo and vaccine. I’m almost out of the epilepsy meds I called in last Thursday to get refilled – because they “didn’t have them until Monday” and the weather has had them closed since then….. 2 more days worth, then maybe we will actually see if I need them thru necessity or not.

Things that just make me worry. Good news is I have alot of the meds to help me relax which oddly I’m willing to take like candy right now, because everything else feels…. off.

Chemo normally has me feeling off. The second vaccine would have had me feeling off….. the fact that the cedars – god bless america – the cedars have chosen this winter malady to be super aggressively high – guess they decided to “smoke em if you got em” …. the pressure system from the winter …. I’m just off. Things feel miserable – luckily – thankfully – blessedly NOT OVERLY painful. Just ridiculously uncomfortable. Like trying to wear those pants in the 80s that you KNOW were the wrong size, but you got them anyway and you tried to inch and inch them on…. and aha they were on… but OMFG you couldn’t move…. yeah we all know about THAT feeling!

Starbuck had a tick this morning? IDK how this could possible have happened. We have had the same pesticide company for many years – we took him to the groomers a couple of weeks ago…. but there it was…. also worth mentioning it was VERY dead in his fur. Go figure maybe something is working. He is quite happier at the fact that the strip next to the house he has been using is becoming more visible so there is a “place to go”. — Our little black dog, not very fond of a white covered yard.

I’ve been putting together a play list of one hit wonders – sprinkled in between to break up the mix a bit are “NON” one hit wonders to remind the list “Music goes on”….. and kinda to thank these folks for their contribution to my mind, heart, and soul for their one hit charm. I’ve asked friends for contributions, and gotten a few interesting adds….. Its coming along quite well so far – more one hits then I’d realized, and so so many that haven’t come up in my mind cabinets yet….. don’t you worry songs, I’ll catch you and won’t let you slip away.

I am blessed to have family that love me, I am blessed to have unusual things to make me ponder how great life is…. I’m blessed, that the universe heard my words of “Id like to live somewhere where it snows”…. and balanced them in humor into “Oh yeah really? Well try this one on for size…. ” The universe has a human all its own. Gotta just ride the waves of the insanity.

So this post was originally going to be labeled “poppies will make the sleep” because I’m just super tired as i write this…. and the quote from the wizard of oz where Dorthey and her companies are traipsing thru the field of poppies popped into my head and it sounded pretty good to fall asleep right now from a field of flowers.

In my searching for link or reference information for that quote, I happened across the original meaning of poppies. They were a semblance of remembrance – because they grew across the graves of the soldiers in world war one. This is something I didn’t know, and the relative pieces of information for it were equally interesting.

So poppies take a new meaning, and my tired ness must find a new outlet.

There is alot to do today. I’m tired but not sleepy – the banes of medicine to help elevate symptoms is it grants you boons of other things – like wake up – or in musical terms: Chop Suey— a song that has always represented waking up because it helps to wake up.

Treatment and second shot seemed to go well yesterday, but its kinda hard to tell with the steroid covering up symptoms.

Today, its crazy weather again – we had frozen ice all day yesterday, and the roads will be covered with it today and probably the rest of the majority of next week. Very unsafe driving conditions.

A friend is having surgery today – its a “light” thing – if there is such a thing as light surgery. Still worried a little about her – she has a new kiddo – he is two, and does the most amazing things.

There have been alot of odd thoughts traveling thru my brain and dropping off bread crumbs – I feel they are leading me to some revelation but it is just kinda a “and then, and then, and then” moment – where I’m somewhat waiting for the big reveal. All seem to stem from my analogue of the fact that facts are all part of a giant wheel and the perspective on them depends on where you start – but from the middle of the pie they all will seem to be the same with a slightly different texture and meaning.

Opinions are one of those things that seem to be a granted right that goes along with having a soul. Sharing that opinion or the concepts that build from it – well that is a different thing. Its great to have one, it comes with the responsibility of learning when to hold and when to fold, when to walk away and when to run – as the gambler taught.

Apparently I’m feeling a little more lyric today than even usual – so here is hoping that it turns into a magical day for everyone in my life.

I am thankful and blessed for all the incredible people both close, far, touchable, and remote that give my life inspiration, meaning and above all happiness. Its great to be alive. Life holds so many mysteries and so many playgrounds to explore.

Here is to another beautiful day – today being filled with trees coated in Ice.

Was thinking about some of the things – so many of the things I have learned over the past few years.

Some of the books I’ve read – scoured actually in an attempt to “heal” … and how the advice of others is not nearly as good as the advice of my internal voice.

Lit some incense the other day in the house and it was just so so strong. I know there was a time I was burning these on the daily – and I don’t recall them being so overpowering. There are three incense I use on the regular – Temple incense – which smells like some of the temples from my travels in India / Rose and Jasmine incense – which smells quite calming but also sorta alluring in a pleasant way / Nagchampa – which smells a little like the temple incense but somehow works pretty great to connect to intuition and make meditation seem more …. well its like smelling warm cookies baking, you just want to eat them.

Have been playing some WoW lately – its a little more than a little addicting to me, but its also somewhat a great distraction from focusing too hard on the “healing” — I’ve found myself to be my own worst enemy when it comes to tap tap tap heal faster – where as when I’m focusing on “something else” I let my body actually do the work.

This week I’m a tad nervous. Have treatment, and also have second vaccine shot scheduled – same day. They gave me an option to push out the shot, but I figure if I’m likely going to feel miserable best to have it be all at the same time.

Old thinking patterns have not been serving me especially well, so I’m working to expand my mind, contemplate my patterns, and drive towards different ways of thinking.

This is not an easy thing to do. In fact, its quite challenging. Knowing “where” a pattern comes from helps a little but its still much like knowing “where” the spider lives, but not being completely resigned to the fact that if you want the webs to go away, you gotta get rid of the root cause.

Some things are good, some things not so great – some just still need tending. My garden is growing, I’m just learning to adjust to tend to the weeds.

Friend sent me flowers, and they are such a beautiful reminder that I have alot of support, alot of caring people rooting for me. My own personal cheerleading team ready to celebrate with every victory, or equally ready to pump me up with every struggle.

This is a week of very good days, time to thrive in them and enjoy every minute.

This has been spinning around in my thoughts, prayers and meditations alot of late. There is a new niece to consider and I think defining this is appropriate.

After spending a few minutes of web searching, the web is lacking a good definition of “what” a dedication to god actually “is” – so I figure its about time it had one.

First and foremost what it is NOT. A dedication to god is not about religion. Every religion has its own gods, own believes, and its own pantheon of hierarchy that is limiting. While a dedication to god IS limiting, its not in this sense. It has nothing to do with religion and everything to do with spirituality.

There is a huge difference between religion and spirituality, that is a digression from this post, but also important for clarification. Google provided a resourceful and helpful link that “seems” on first and second pass as being in line generally with my feelings on this issue, so link is here: https://www.ideas.org.au/uploads/resources/550/What%20Is%20Spirituality.pdf

Generally religion is the organization of people thru shared and common believes, rules and requirements/obligations. Spirituality is the individual understanding and relationship with god the universe and everything after – (props to Douglas Adams and his very spiritual universe)

Its worth mentioning for two factors, I feel qualified to write and discuss this topic as an individual that was dedicated to god as a babe, and one that has felt its influence throughout my life, and have discussed this with fellow individuals dedicated to god. And second, its been a guiding subtle influence thru the entirety of my life.

There is a spiritual profoundness in the sense of the universe, where a soul comes to learn and experience. However one feels this occurs, is manifest, or the path that is followed, there is a pattern and a sense to it. A logic.

Breaking down this definition into two parts “dedication” and “god” might help a little.

Dedication first. According to several sources, and google in particular a dedication is a commitment to a task or a purpose. Like when a “church” or “building” is dedicated, blessed, sanctified, or otherwise celebrated. A sense of “what” what go on…. how it will be perceived, and the path it will lead are somewhat “given” in this moment. When a dedication is planned, its with intent of “stating” to all who are there, and who attend both physically, mentally, emotionally and otherwise that there is a identified reason for existence of this thing, and that it is known and agreed upon by all present.

God is a little trickier. It touches into alot of belief systems. Maybe god is as the christians believe, or maybe as the hindus believe, or maybe as the atheists believe….. For me, god is the infiniteness of the universe. … Both defying the need and desire for quantification – always growing, always exceeding limits, and manifesting in unique and perceivable ways.

I feel the very essence of god is the fact that there is an inability to limit the definition of god by putting boundaries or limits on what its possible to be – that all religious definition are both right, possible and also simultaneously incorrect in the fact that they limit the definition to one set of values….. I also feel that god is the very fact that these very perceptions are in harmony and balance – not disunity. Its like making a PB&J – the bread (carb) maybe different, the butter (fat) maybe different, the sweet (jam) maybe different but generally its all the same and what “works” for you is likely very different from what “works” for me – but we are both still in pleasure with our pb&j.

So a dedication to god is sorta like a commitment to living the best life, the joy of life, the harmony of life – the life the soul decided to be born into at this moment in time.

Its sort of a humbling sense of leading one back to the happy path of life when the curves come nonstop, and letting the universe provide clear safe routes to enjoy the experiences one was hoping to experience at the time of being conceived and joining into that body.

It comes with its own set of protections in the form of guardians to guide, and advise. This does not prevent one from choosing to do other things more makes the beacon of life more defined like the lighthouses on the horizon of the old seas. Sure the seas are still amazing, wonderful and treacherous – but the lighthouse helps one avoid the rocks along the shore to make it back safety to whatever port one was aiming towards.

It provides a harmony within to allow one to know there is a reason and a purpose, and that you are more than a lemming in this grand thing called life, but rather an important contributor and experience maker for others as well as controller of your own.

My own experience has led me to meet amazing people. To have amazing experiences. To avoid many traumas, to safely navigate very treacherous waters, and come out poised for the next experience. Semi-charmed sort of life.

The wind chimes – really nice set I got after seeing them a few years back at a Ren faire – they are huge, and the sounds are just incredible, plus I really love the name of the creator Fire Fly Studios – were blowing this morning.

As I have like six different sets of chimes on my back porch, when the wind blows, the sound is quite a cacophony of music. Its as if the wind were creating a special melody just for me – an audience of one.

There are many things in my life that I have that bring me great joy or satisfaction. I’ve learned that the more you surround yourself with these types of treasures, the greater your pleasure as you move thru your day.

We went to bed early, and somehow this set an alarm with my head that it was time to rise earlier. Although, pleasantly not as early as last week.

This is a week of rest – a couple of treasured days free of appointments, where time can come and go at a leisurely pace. Throughout my life, these types of days have been a struggle, but I’m learning to find not just the joy but the bliss in them.

So many days right now are filled, with running or errands, or chores or just things in general – many of which are not overly the most pleasant. Days of rest are fairly infrequent, and they are a treasure.

The sun will be up soon, and I’ll get to relish in the beauty of an amazing sunrise – the weather wizards from their powerful resources, have predicted another week of ultra cold for us next week – but this week, the weather is so amazing – its cool but warm and just light.

Its as if nature took a deep breath and is relaxing and sighing to let it out slowly.

Its an amazing thing how the small easy to overlook things become so easy to relish in the moments like this of relaxing. A warm cup of coffee, a strong breeze blowing the chimes, and a sun peeking thru the horizon.

Happy days of bliss.

I would generally consider myself to be a pacifist – meaning, I would be one of those people that would say, there are not alot of times when it is right to fight for something. That being said, its a very different perspective fighting to the right to be alive.

I feel, that I’m right in saying this is an appropriate time to fight – but then who am I to say. I suppose there are times when its right to fight – like in defense of those incapable of defending themselves. Or rather, fighting for the right to live for those whose right is being infringed. I also feel its appropriate for me to be fighting for life.

That being said, I’ve pretty well decided no matter what the MRI says, its nothing more than a guideline for whats working and what may need tweaking. There are alot of things going on in my body – yet STILL I am capable of having very good days. I am capable of resting and enjoying the moments of peace in between the raging going on.

This is a battle I intend to win. Its one I feel is worth the effort and the outcomes. There are precious few things right now that rise above this battle. P and I had an interesting conversation on the way to his scheduled vaccine appt. He managed to get into one of the sites doing the vaccines, and we were on the way. He was nervous about the appointment – which I told him my intuition said it was going to be super fine. I felt strongly it was not only okay but super good for him to be doing this.

He has been super scared of this virus. He has read so many of the horror stories, in the news, he and D both have….. The conversation today, was over the fact that in his mind – and I’m certain it has crossed my sisters mind as well – that this is a mortality battle. One minor slip and you have the potential to die. Our discussion today was that my perspective is so very different.

This virus maybe scary, but its like “meh” to me – mostly because what I’m dealing with – and have been for nearly six years now, is also scary and this virus sorta … well its not nearly as uncertain – we talked about the fact that I feel less scared of the virus because there are so many elements within my control…. and because its so widely spread there are alot of brilliant minds working on this problem. This is not at all to minimize the brilliant minds working on the big C – its more that something that has the power to impact everyone is a little more frightening to everyone than the things that have the power to impact a percentage only.

Personally the big C is a tad more scary to me, because so much of it feels ambiguous. I know that there are many elements of it being my body fighting against itself – against my patterns, behaviors triggers – however there is a genetic element to it – that tells me there is the fact that nature is also aware, and has encouraged development of this thing to help reduce the excess population – so I’m fighting against natural selection.

Somehow, being able to identify these things, makes me feel more empowered – sorta like “know thyself” “know thy adversary” – it makes me think some on the art of war that I have tried to re-read may many times. It is written in a language of allegory that appeals to my sense of rightness.

Talked today to my psychologist – thru the course of “things” there was a firedrill of sorts over the past week where my insurance decided to support the idea of a monopoly – which changed thru the course – but I basically accepted the firedrill, boxed into a mental box of “we will deal with this later” … and moved along. This was a great tactic, because it solved itself for the time being and insurance added a “new and improved” deadline to their idea of right. So a battle for another day – or technically another month.

We talked about the “things” that have bothered me over the past two weeks since we met last, and most of them have been physical which she can’t offer alot of suggestion for, but is sorta concrete reflection for me of the fact that I’m ready to reduce my sessions with her from once a week to twice a month. There will be times when there will need to be pick up sessions, but for the most part, I’ve developed tools for looking at things more appropriate as “this is not mine to deal with” …. This is a powerful lesson I just never learned growing up.

I’ve always felt like the weight of the world has been laid on my shoulders, and its my job to fix everyone around me. Part of my healing is recognizing this is not only not true, but its a very unhealthy place to be as well as self destructive. Its alot more peaceful to recognize my responsibility is taking care of myself, and I’m only responsible for this – everyone else will either fix themselves or stay unresolved, and I need to not only embrace this but to accept that its the best way for things to be.

I am blessed to have this time to reflect on things. P was realizing its been very nearly a year of him being home – and it has been a true blessing for both of us – as we have developed tools for a better happier home.

I am blessed to have people in my life that care about me, that care about each other and are able to just share and breath together.

I am blessed to have this battle to fight – to be able to fight for myself.

Good days, its where its at.