I would generally consider myself to be a pacifist – meaning, I would be one of those people that would say, there are not alot of times when it is right to fight for something. That being said, its a very different perspective fighting to the right to be alive.
I feel, that I’m right in saying this is an appropriate time to fight – but then who am I to say. I suppose there are times when its right to fight – like in defense of those incapable of defending themselves. Or rather, fighting for the right to live for those whose right is being infringed. I also feel its appropriate for me to be fighting for life.
That being said, I’ve pretty well decided no matter what the MRI says, its nothing more than a guideline for whats working and what may need tweaking. There are alot of things going on in my body – yet STILL I am capable of having very good days. I am capable of resting and enjoying the moments of peace in between the raging going on.
This is a battle I intend to win. Its one I feel is worth the effort and the outcomes. There are precious few things right now that rise above this battle. P and I had an interesting conversation on the way to his scheduled vaccine appt. He managed to get into one of the sites doing the vaccines, and we were on the way. He was nervous about the appointment – which I told him my intuition said it was going to be super fine. I felt strongly it was not only okay but super good for him to be doing this.
He has been super scared of this virus. He has read so many of the horror stories, in the news, he and D both have….. The conversation today, was over the fact that in his mind – and I’m certain it has crossed my sisters mind as well – that this is a mortality battle. One minor slip and you have the potential to die. Our discussion today was that my perspective is so very different.
This virus maybe scary, but its like “meh” to me – mostly because what I’m dealing with – and have been for nearly six years now, is also scary and this virus sorta … well its not nearly as uncertain – we talked about the fact that I feel less scared of the virus because there are so many elements within my control…. and because its so widely spread there are alot of brilliant minds working on this problem. This is not at all to minimize the brilliant minds working on the big C – its more that something that has the power to impact everyone is a little more frightening to everyone than the things that have the power to impact a percentage only.
Personally the big C is a tad more scary to me, because so much of it feels ambiguous. I know that there are many elements of it being my body fighting against itself – against my patterns, behaviors triggers – however there is a genetic element to it – that tells me there is the fact that nature is also aware, and has encouraged development of this thing to help reduce the excess population – so I’m fighting against natural selection.
Somehow, being able to identify these things, makes me feel more empowered – sorta like “know thyself” “know thy adversary” – it makes me think some on the art of war that I have tried to re-read may many times. It is written in a language of allegory that appeals to my sense of rightness.
Talked today to my psychologist – thru the course of “things” there was a firedrill of sorts over the past week where my insurance decided to support the idea of a monopoly – which changed thru the course – but I basically accepted the firedrill, boxed into a mental box of “we will deal with this later” … and moved along. This was a great tactic, because it solved itself for the time being and insurance added a “new and improved” deadline to their idea of right. So a battle for another day – or technically another month.
We talked about the “things” that have bothered me over the past two weeks since we met last, and most of them have been physical which she can’t offer alot of suggestion for, but is sorta concrete reflection for me of the fact that I’m ready to reduce my sessions with her from once a week to twice a month. There will be times when there will need to be pick up sessions, but for the most part, I’ve developed tools for looking at things more appropriate as “this is not mine to deal with” …. This is a powerful lesson I just never learned growing up.
I’ve always felt like the weight of the world has been laid on my shoulders, and its my job to fix everyone around me. Part of my healing is recognizing this is not only not true, but its a very unhealthy place to be as well as self destructive. Its alot more peaceful to recognize my responsibility is taking care of myself, and I’m only responsible for this – everyone else will either fix themselves or stay unresolved, and I need to not only embrace this but to accept that its the best way for things to be.
I am blessed to have this time to reflect on things. P was realizing its been very nearly a year of him being home – and it has been a true blessing for both of us – as we have developed tools for a better happier home.
I am blessed to have people in my life that care about me, that care about each other and are able to just share and breath together.
I am blessed to have this battle to fight – to be able to fight for myself.
Good days, its where its at.
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