The song by Ed Sheeren – I see fire has been running heavily thru my head, its a different sort of metaphor than I usually use. Its a song he wrote for the the Smaug/LOTR thing a while back, and its very situational towards that movie/theme – it is about a dragon blowing red flames all thru the sky, burning up the sky and the landscape and killing everything in its wake.

For me, alot of the conditions in our world are like this, there is something coming thru and burning up everything we know, love, and expect to be there timelessly.

Its also a pretty good reflection of what I’m trying to do with the cells that have mutated into a cancer in my body. Being as how I’m a dragon (insert Alethia Insanity) the fire doesn’t hurt the good cells, just the bad ones. I see fire.

It brings to my mind that there is a striking parallel between these two things. Me and the virus. but I digress.

Today is chemo. They are going to give me a potassium (banana bag is what they call it which just makes me amused) bag while I’m there today, as my potassium has been consistently low for over a year and I’ve been on supplements which are quite unpleasant to take.

The infection is debating about sprouting its ugly head once again, and I’m applying all the prayers and homeopathic remedies I know to the area and to my body over all – but its challenging to split focus from “remove/cure/heal cancer” to “oh and don’t forget to kick to the curb this bad bacterial infection that has come again” — Which one is coming to kill me today.

A thought occurred to me, well a message from my intuition to be fair of “I told you so” … back when I was originally diagnosed, they sent me to see a surgeon – this was to “schedule” my port being installed. I recall seeing him – he was the second doctor I saw about my cancer, and honestly the first one where we talked bluntly about my cancer, and my intuition screamed out at me cut it out cut it out and so I asked him, the surgeon. Is there some reason we can’t just remove this tumor? … I will forever remember his reply, because it has shaped my life since that moment. He replied that while he could, he wouldn’t recommend it, because it would disfigure me and make me in eligible for doing a reconstruction, and its just not something he would in good conscious recommend to any of the woman in his life, his wife or daughter.

I remember this conversation vividly, because I went with his “conscience” not my “intuition” and it has made all the difference. I’ve since learned that probably the biopsy spread the cancer around, its what happens when you stick a sharp object inside a cluster of something solid – it breaks off pieces, and leaves an opening for more to leave. I’ve since learned that all the chemos I’ve had over the years (5+ at this point), the radiation, the testing, the surgeries (x7) multiple are all a direct and explicit result of this choice.

There are many many good things that have come from this experience, and I am not minimizing at all the positive learning, loving, living that I’ve gained. That being said, intuition is king.

So I’ve learned, to think and embrace the fact that the chemo is like fire, and its burning thru all of the bad things to stop the cancer from spreading, and my goal/job as a dragon is to embrace this fire, and to help it do its job.

I see fire.

So I’m enjoying some coffee, having a bit of water, and I’ll be off soon for my monthly treatment of fire to help me on my goals.

My life is filled with people, things, and experiences that are incredible. They have things to share with me, things to help me learn, and things that fill up my cup of blessings on the daily. This treatment is no exception, the doctors, nurses, and staff I’ll see today will make the whole experience “fun” …. in a very unusual Alethia Insanity sort of way, but then I’m Alethia and I’m the only one.

That is not to say I dislike cake – cake has its place, particularly when its fried in a pan – but I digress.

I’ve often used pie as an analogy for life – the part of the pie we understand, the part of the pie beyond us, and the part of the pie that other people bless us with their knowledge.

I like pie. I mean literally I love pumpkin pie, but I’m also pretty fond of most fruit pies, and pretty much “pie” – because its bread and filling whats not to love – its like a non-hispanic version of empanadas. Which I personally find genius – from the perspective that they figured out to make a pie portable without wrapping it up – its self contained. All the love, none of the wrappings and mess – well different sort of mess.

Today is the day before chemo. Always pretty pensive on this day – this time is no exception. Many thoughts are all singing to be at the forefront of my head. I’m having to remind them “slow down, life is to be savoured”

Last night, I had many dreams about taking trips to all the places in the world I really really want to see. Microsoft graced me this morning with – well a picture of one of the places that has been on my list but is more than a little problematic; it has one of the largest buddhist temples in the world. Its not exactly for the temple that I wish to travel to Indonisia, but its many reasons – mostly to be surrounded by the people that live near all these amazing temples all the time. I want them to share their pie with me.

Had the weirdest thing happen – my french press broke. The glass on the container broke – a large pie shapped chunk broke off making the vessel dangerous and not usable. Of course, I discovered this after I’d pooled my activation energy to brew my morning coffee – its an especially low energy day. Anyone who knows me …. will understand the sheer travesty of this – its not as if I don’t have caffeinated alternatives, its more that coffee is my passion and my goto beverage of chose. It helps me feel awake, alive, and part of the community that is the whole of our world.

P in his infinite wisdom (this is still after so many years of marriage a blissful surprise to me when I stumble across one of these nuggets of wisdom) had a spare. Coffee,morning, generally my pie – was saved by his grace and forethought. Coffee was had by all.

Today I’m using my laptop to write this – its something I haven’t really done since my last trip – its such a great devise and one I’ve enjoyed having for so many years – I had forgotten the amazing music I have on this machine – so its also tickle my ears day – because I found some old mixes by one of of my favorite artists – they are techno that is over an hour long (concerts really) – its music I use when traveling because its soothing and focusing at once.

Now if Starbuck will just be content we will all be super good. Coffee in hand, music in head and a day filled with amazing surprises to enjoy.

Maybe Indonesia will come another day if I can figure out how to overcome the challenges of traveling as a woman to a country that is less safe for my sex.

Life is good.

So I promise, mental trips were what woke me at 5:30 am this morning. I was traveling, traveling, traveling….. I visited my great aunt in Oregon, I visited cousins, I visited Mount Rushmore. I went back to India, I went to China and saw so many things….. all in my dreams, but it was so so busy. I traveled thru customs and so many airports. I traveled on planes, on trains in europe, on bus….. overall it was a crazy night, and excessively busy.

When I woke, wide awake – I figured I’d get some things done for realz, since all the dream things felt pretty great but man so so tiring. Need my physical body to be as tired as my mental body.

I have tried lately to NOT do so much of this traveling, but I feel it was because I went to bed with traveling on the brain. Part of me wants badly to take a trip right now – but part of me doesn’t feel its safe yet; soon, but not now. People gotta keep their cooties to themselves, and I need to keep my cooties to myself.

Today we take Starbuck to the groomers – this is a thing we have been doing every other month for a few years now – He loves and hates it. He loves being clean, but he is scared of the trip, and he gets so sad when I leave him…. he doesn’t whine or bark but you can tell he is nervous about the whole experience. It will be nice to have him looking so fresh soon though, his fur just looks a little scruffy since the blizzard.

I am feeling more and more this is a time to embrace the chaos and find peace and joy in so many things being crazy. Its a lesson for me to remember that its a choice to be stressed, or to be grateful. Its a choice to feel frustrated or take it as a challenge; remembering we are all humans and that the things I’m seeing as detrimental might just be some other human finding bliss.

This is often times harder than it should be.

Today is my therapist, I’ve alot and nothing to talk about – we will see how it goes. There have been so so many things, little and huge in the past week – every week really. Its amazing to me how much happens each week – how much I’ve put into boxes. … Makes me think of the theme song to the show “weeds” — “little boxes on the hill side” … I know their little boxes is houses, but it seems appropriate here, I’ve also found it amusing that the show is called “weeds” both from the perspective of escaping and things to be plucked. Too many thoughts.

Gotta keep remembering the joyful things, and the blessings. So so many blessings in my life. D is graduating from college; finishing her degree after so long, and I’m so grateful and blessed to be able to be here and enjoy it with her. She is and always has been a bright joy, and shining star in my life; her aptitude for growth is amazing; and I’ve watched her climb this never ending learning staircase for her entire life. She is amazing.

Life is good.

Okay so I know the lyrics are off, but its an amusing thing to me – and today is in need of more amusement.

There is this thing about tact being something lacking in our society.

One of the things I’ve found for myself, is that frequently I don’t act at all because it seems “more” tactful to fail to act, then to act in error. But I think thats more from conditions where I grew up than anything else.

I’ve found today in particular that alot of people don’t come equiped with this filter. They just throw it out there and whether they don ‘t have tact, or whether they don’t care at the offense, it is all good for them. This is a skill the “all good for them skill” that I’m trying to … well gain an appreciation for……

My life, has often – most often to be fair – been focused on whats good for everyone involved, myself second or last, depending upon the conditions.

There is a book I’ve seen recently called “leaders eat last” …. and I think, that perhaps its partially my leadership skills that have forced my focus on these things. On whats best for all – not on whats best for myself.

Not so much selfishness, more self focusedness. I’m learning to embrace my inner self focused self, and not chide myself as being selfish.

The universe is perpetually providing me opportunities to practice/master this skill. I’m very bad at it. Focusing on the “good of all” or the “good of the group” seems much much more natural. It isn’t that I’m incapable of being self focused, its just that it feels bad.

Somethings, I’ve been able to be self focused on in my life. They are things where I do not perceive any possible negative ramifications for anyone else in my life by being self focused. But at this point, its not about the possible ramifications for other people, its about the positive ramifications for me; and while I don’t quite feel free to disregard other people, I do feel alot more unencumbered by the need or desire to placate or please everyone.

Growing is a little uncomfortable and this is definitely one of those areas, its kinda like growing an extra limb of “be selfish, be selfish”

Watching other people with what seems like their best of intentions for themselves do things that are just insanely amusing to me at their ridiculousness is a good reminder that its “okay” to be human and to put myself first.

Many thanks to the universe for so many incredible people that are NOT selfish in my life to share this crazy rollercoaster.

Life is good.

Today’s lyric adventure is Ants Marching by Dave Mathews band its one of those songs I’ve always loved but I’m not sure why, the song is NOT all that happy or positive – some how just the fact that the song conveys the truth or honestly in someone elses experience.

Truth is always something that has been a theme throughout my life – its in the name. Its a recent thing for me to release/consider the naivete of my thought to believe that other people hold truth as vigilant as I do.

I can hear truth. Like when someone talks to me, I can tell if they believe what they are saying. Its a gift and a curse. When someone tells you something because they feel it will be “nicer” to say…. so you know its with the best of intentions, but you also know intimately that they are lying to you.

Its been hard sometimes, to hear people lie to me.

Not all experiences are pleasant – Hell I know how horrible alot of them can be, but its amazing to me how much growth comes out of the worst experiences, and I think alot of the songs that most appeal to me, are the ones where someone was writing or singing from their own miserable experience – or the experience of someone they cared about.

Not to mention the fact that Dave Mathews has always been one of those spirits that just sorta …. makes my heart happy. Matthew Mcconaughey is another one….. just people that aren’t perfect, and acknowledge that but enjoy life – they are about the experiences, sometimes good sometimes bad and relishing them.

I’m not really a star struck person – meaning I’m just one of those peeps that could sit down and play rummy or drink coffee with people like this – that are living their passion. Just because they are famous doesn’t make them any more important or valuable than the rest of us – it just makes them famous – and its a blessing and a curse for them. It means that people recognize them when they go about their business, and it means they have extra responsibility to the masses that the rest of us get to avoid. Kinda I feel for them, but then I recall the fact that how they got famous probably generated “things” and experiences for them that I’ll not get to have/share so its a tradeout.

My head has forced me to be very introspective today. — D mentioned yesterday about all the things she would do with another trip to London, and I immediately went out to price it – because it was just such a wonderful experience with her – to watch and see and vicariously experience her joy and her learning – but I think its time to let her have these experiences without my being there. Plus I’m not overall a fan of London. She did mention a few other trips – that might be more up my alley. Mostly its just super enjoyable to watch her be so passionate about trips.

This is not really a safe time to travel. Conditions because of this virus are tenuous, and travel is not really a particularly wise idea yet – but I do have faith that it won’t be ill-advised for ever, just for a bit longer. I’ll get to have some amazing experiences in other parts of the world again soon.

Its a powerful thing, faith. The mustard seed is strong in this one. I have faith that things will progress to a new normal soon, and I’ll be strong enough to thrive in the new normal.

Life is good.

The clouds in the sky today reminded me of the starting theme song from the Simpsons. It was one of those days today – so perfect in the weather department that you are more forgiving of the horrible allergies looming all over the place.

D came over today to help me whip up a present for T for her birthday this week. Was my first time baking them and they turned out amazing – thank you internets for all the help with the recipes. Reminded me that I really enjoy baking.

P has been feeling down still from his shot – the second one is a beast, I just didn’t realize how much of how crappy I was feeling was actually from the vaccine vs all the other things. Sometimes its hard to keep straight what exactly is making me feel miserable, and alot harder to not say anything or whine about it because it was pretty icky.

Starbuck has been so cute lately – he was laying with his favorite toy – which happens to be this stuffed hedgehog I had to do surgery on the other week. I used some yarn to stitch up a patch he had broken into the inside. I saved the hedgy but apparently my stitching wasn’t the best as there is a tail coming out from the stitching – so the hedgehog now has a yarn tail in the middle. P ordered a spare so the next time we will just swap again – Starbuck is just so sad when we swap – last time it took about two weeks before he finally embraced the replacement. All his good smells were gone from the new one.

Seems I also broke one of P’s camera things <again> this time, its not fixable. I am not certain how this happened – its a camera on his go bag. I took the bag to the car and somehow it broke the camera off the bag and apparently this is the second time I’ve done this.

One of the things right now, is the fact that I just don’t remember things. I do recall there was “some other” instance of a discussion about me not being careful enough with his bag – but somehow the why or the reason slipped my mind and the fact that there is a camera attached on the outside also slipped my mind – go figure.

My mind just doesn’t remember things. This is kinda a blessing often – because otherwise I’d probably spend alot of time stressed, worried, concerned, or frightened for the world we live in – but as it is I get to just focus on healing and above all being thankful and happy for being alive.

Sometimes its a concern to me and a thing I’m nervous about – I mean maybe not remembering isn’t a good thing? Maybe I should be concerned with this?

Thankfully my whole life has trained me to use “tools” for the things that need to be remembered / documented….. Like health things, medicines, fluids…. these things I have “tools” that I use to help me make a physical copy of the event so I don’t forget. Mostly put into place when I have found myself not remembering.

P constantly tells me its just getting old – and maybe that is part of the “older wiser” adage – wiser to forget then to recall.

Just know it was super fun to get to spend the day with D today; and her help in making the cupcakes for T was great. The project was a success and a tasty treat was enjoyed by all. More days filled with joy and blessings.

So I’m enjoying some soup I made a few months back and froze – its a potato and kale one with alot of veggies and its just amazing. Just the thing I wanted today. Feeling a little laid back. Had my appts this morning and all of them wanted to shift and rearrange – lets dance people lets dance.

P is feeling … down because of vaccine, will be another couple days and then he will be good as gold. So I made him the poppers we talked about earlier but I didn’t quite get the kitchen cooking bug out of my system – but somehow eating soup I made sorta helps, its like “yeah me”

Last night was sushi night, and tonight is all about soup. Comfort in the tummy somehow makes the comfort around the house amped up it like takes things to eleven.

Got to hang with R & E today a tad on the way to acupuncture. She was missing her mommy and quite vocal about it, but it was nice to know she is related to us with the fact that music soothed the savage beast. She immediately went into quiet dance mode as soon as it was an artist she appreciated. Gotta love this family.

I so enjoy the staff that take care of me at the place I go for treatments. They are so amazing and I’m just blessed to have them in my life. There is always something happy around there, they have a st patty’s day basket right now – which reminds me its right around the corner. Somehow with all the things last year I missed it and this year I intend to make up for lost time.

There is this weird thing where lately I’ve been wanting a glass of wine. Namely a glass of super good merlot – I know its not really great for me right now, as it forces my poor liver to process more things – especially fermented grapes, but somehow it seems “right”? Going to have to pause and pray about this some more.

I am wondering still if any of the wines in my wine fridge are still … well if they haven’t gone to vinegar – its been a few years atleast since I’ve rotated them and on the one hand it might make me sad to determine they have gone, but it also might eliminate the craving to find out they are salad dressing now.

Life is filled with happy people that make me smile – my sister in law has always been one of those peeps, and her daughter is adorable. I sent her some flowers just to let her know she was on my mind and has grown into an amazing woman.

Its amazing to me how quickly that happens from baby to adult in just a few decades.

More time for me to experience this amazing dynamic thing.

Life is good.

Today is all about making things more vibrant. I’m making chai today – which I really haven’t felt like doing for a couple weeks – and its super nice to have the whole house smell so so yummy.

Had an interesting dream last night of making cupcakes for my new sister in laws birthday next week – made enough to spell out happy birthday T – and suddenly realized I’d need like 2 dozen – they were filled and frosted and decorated – it seemed like such a fun thing – but the reality of it well – it maybe a spicy beyond my current level …. I’m currently “cinnamon” and this maybe “Chili Pepper”

I’ve decided all the negativity I’ve felt is doing nothing but taking me off the straight and narrow. So I’m going to address it from the spice perspective and say “don’t care for that spice, lets move along”….. Most spices are so so yummy – but in my life I have found a few that I just don’t enjoy the smell/taste/texture off…. They are usually “okay” if they are hidden in a food so I don’t notice them.

Its also interesting that my spice tastes have changed over time – much like how I didn’t enjoy coffee until my 20s. I wonder if eventually I’ll evolve into a “the spice must flow” creature. Certainly spices make things better.

I started a couple years back making my own “taco” meat – because the taco seasoning has too many preservatives – and I enjoy very much using lentils with the veg and spices – its remarkable easy and extremely satisfying. … Left overs go amazing with eggs.

P goes for shots today. Little nervous about this, but it will be over before its started hopefully and then its one less concern to be had.

Made doctor appts so I’m all set up for another few weeks. Overall, life thngs are progressing as expected.

Need to get someone out here to check our foundation – since it starting to do this “thing like its shifting” … but it could just be the squirrels wintering in our attic again. Its hard to say, thats probably why an expert will tell me again soon.

Saged the house – had been doing that daily but its been a couple weeks and dang it feels so so much better after its done. The lingering smell always is pleasant for me, and the clearing out of old vibes always feels amazing.

Today will be an adventure day, I’m hopeful P makes it done with no incidence and then there will be amazing chai at home to celebrate.

Life is good.

So I’m having a struggle today – where I am trying to actively “forget” I’m now a texan in a state with an incredible stupid governor. Yes, in this case, I will call out someone who is in leadership for making such a dangerously murderous announcement as yesterday – I mean can’t he just have gone to cancun? At this point I feel like Ted Cruz was “less” bad.

In a state that is known to be the “cattle” state – where it is known that herd saturation is 70% you would think that he would have waited until atleast 70% of the state had been vaccinated if he was going to make such a ridiculous and unjustified statement – but no only 25% vaccinated. I mean I know 7M people vaccinated seems high, but the population of Texas is over 30M people governor. Even applying herd logic of 70% we aren’t there yet. If it were your cattle you wouldn’t let them be free, so why are you allowing people – which I’d like to believe you value more highly just die.

My Inner tigger is bouncing. The thing about tigger is he tried everything, everything was “his favorite thing” – and right now, my inner tigger is looking for something, anything to make this right.

Sister showed me a tiktok of someone who recommended applying extra flatulence to the problem, and it kinda made my brain think that maybe I need to gather up some dog poop and package it up real nice to hand to those people who need to be given shit for not wearing a mask.

I mean we all know most politicians are too stupid to do anything else, maybe this is just another case of how ignorant they are…. the problem is the number of honest people that trust and feel they are our superiors. That they are “incharge”. This is just a mental reminder that THEY ARE NOT. They are just doing a job, and mostly their job is about money, so talk half of what they say and throw it completely out the window, and the other half is immediately suspect – its like the guys selling solar that came to our front door. While I’d love to believe they can do all the wonderful things they say, the reality is I know they can’t so there isn’t much point in my time being spent here.

Tigger and I are going to focus on fun things today. I haven’t decided what those will be, but I’m sure to have them to show for the day. Something unusual and amusing at the end to brighten my life and bring me joy, and help me forget some of the crazy dumb people in the world that have been elected to serve.

Today is a day that is hard to remember blessings. Its hard to remember gratitude. Sometimes these are needed so I can back up and breath and focus on the positive.

P got scheduled for his second shot, so that is off the anxiety radar! Yeah team!

Starbuck’s little bad spot has healed up completely. Another joy to be happy of – happy puppy.

Family are all doing safe, happy and well – life overall is good.

Some craziness is to be expected, and I will be like the guy from Dune –

“I will not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. I will face my fear. I will let it pass through me. When the fear has gone, there shall be nothing. Only I will remain.”

The wonderful thing about tiggers, Good start to an amazingly beautiful day.

Its a happy tuesday – this was one of those days that I blissfully got to sleep longer. Had a meeting of the mind with my inner child and convinced/bribed/coerced her into going back to sleep around 330 when she decided to wake up and explain to me all the wonderful things today would hold….. She finally fell asleep around 5 and I slept soundly till almost ten. Good Day – long sleeps help alot.

When the cedars finally decide they have populated the planet enough with there joyous yellow spray it will be a much blessed today – but for today and the next few they are on their mission to propagate – its like a frat party of the trees. My poor sinus’s and P’s poor head. Not the most comfortable time in the world – I mean I know its an annual thing, but it just seems to last longer and longer each year – its like the trees held a convention and said “see it works better if we just go and go and go for half the year”….

Had some interesting/weird dreams last night. One of my nieces has been heavy in my heart lately, made a point of sending some sunshine her way today.

One of the other dreams was me giving a financial lecture – which just makes me laugh. I mean I’ve started to understand some of these things, but I wouldn’t say I was any type of a facilitator for teaching other people yet …. but that brings me to another dream where one of my friends who is a teacher was having a sit down card game with me and two of my family members who were also teachers – I guess I qualified to host because of my financial teaching lol – We were talking about conditions in the world. Overall very odd things.

Some days, sleep is just busy like this – where it seems like more work was accomplished than rest. Thankfully not often.

P is finally getting scheduled for his second vaccine and I’m super super happy to hear this, will be better once they confirm his appointment.

Still waiting to hear about my numbers for the week, and to hear back from the doc about the rx change that was put into effect due to mother natures shutting down pharmacies for snow. Overall – I’ve found the supplements I’m taking to be super helpful with generating more good days.

P made a mention last night – well we discussed that I just have intentionally been keeping my circles of exposure to outside content very limited — Makes for alot of time to contemplate the valuable things in my life.

It also somehow acts like a catalyst for inspiring thoughts. When you aren’t thinking so much about other people, you realize how many things you have available to you and what a great thing it is….. I’m blessed this way, to be able to dance around my house and find things to make me happy.

To have people reach out to me to check on me, people that I can send random hugs – is a godsend.

Thank you universe for filling my days with blessings.