Right now many many thoughts are tossing around like a tilt-a-whirl inside my brain.

There is a post-it on my desktop that says – its from a ted talk I watched recently “are my thoughts useful? How do they behave?” ….. I thought it was such a profound thing at the time that I posted it and kept it to remind me —-

In these times especially – focus on what I can do – what I can fix – what I is within my realm of responsibility – and forget or eliminate all the thoughts, worry and concern over all the other things.

Today was an exceptionally productive day – we accomplished alot of my “honey do” projects today — but I found a thing I’m not particularly happy to have found. Trying to focus on the good things, and not linger my time or energy on the other. Its a challenge.

Its a good day over all, with me feeling alot more – well I feel stronger today, except for this thing – and overall its alot easier to stay focused on what I need to be doing to heal.

We went to HEB today — well, I went – because there was a thing I wanted, that instacart “couldn’t find” … its sort of … well it makes me shake my head…..

I’ve had alot of discussions/thoughts about how fast food isn’t really fast – the latest thought is that instacarts is not really convenient for me anymore.

Being vaccinated – and being as how the store is so close – and being as how they are still enforcing the covid mask things — I feel its practically safer to actually shop myself – not to mention the fact that I can find reasonable alternatives if the product isn’t available, rather than just some crap that will cost me twice as much – and I don’t have to pay upcharges or service fees, or tips — for the privilege of getting my groceries delivered on someone elses timetable.

There is / was a time place where it might have been a better choice, but I feel like perhaps that isn’t where we are today. It took us 20 minutes to fetch the things I wanted and it was alot less expensive than the couple of things I had delivered about 2 hours before. …… basically I feel like my 20 minutes netted me a reward of food half the price of what I got delivered.

We are scanning with our UV all the foods we get – and I’m able to just “not touch things” until I sanitize after having been in the store.

New normal is very …. odd – its a very odd place to be.

There was a guy at the infusion room today – overheard his conversation – his last name was smith – which kinda made me giggle a little inside – but he was talking to one of his “farm hands” about feeding be new bulls he just got delivered from his son in Colorado yesterday — and he was jokingly telling the farm hand that they would be “super docile” …. and I laughed — I mean bulls and docile don’t really mesh very much — had the chance to talk to him – and he was a happy guy – I mean I was happy/having a good day …. and we were both in the infusion room for “things”…. so health was obviously foremost on our minds — but we had a short little banter back and forth and it was fun and amusing.

Some things in life can be the same – while everything else just isn’t anymore.

All in all – life is good.

In my life and experience, most people don’t ask me for advice – likely this is because I have been so so forthcoming the entirety of my adulthood with sharing what I know – aka advice.

There is a certain feeling that comes, when someone specifically asks you for advice – and then a subsequent feeling if they don’t take the advice. I’m not sure how to classify these feelings – this is something I’m learning over and over again – but its also quite likely that my “need” to share all my knowledge rather than wait for someone to ask for it – is probably based about avoiding the negative feeling – as in – if someone didn’t ask me for advice how could I possible feel anything about them not taking it.

The reason for spelling this out, was an interesting spiderweb.

I asked my intuition in my prayers or meditations or ponderings as my grandmother defined the time when your wide awake but refusing to leave the comforts of a warm and cozy bed but you have set your mind onto tasks for yourself — I asked my intuition for help specifically with what I should be doing or not doing to help with these spots in my head.

The answer, as usual came quite immediately – no coffee, no creamer, no sugar. To which my mind laughed and railed and so we hashed it out for a few …. it feels like hours but it was much more likely to have been moments – too brief. I will be trying this; there are specific markers I will be able to see in my blood work if the response I’m seeking is relative – so it won’t be bye bye coffee forever necessarily – just for now — now being the next 3 days – yes thats all my intuition/body told me it would take to see result. Small subtle actions produce small subtle results.

Its likely that my coffee shit will have other …. results? Both anticipated and unexpected – we will see. I am not at all giving up caffeine so it won’t so much be withdrawal.

There is something about the bloodbrain barrier that I’m not quite able to wrap my head — minor pun intended – around. Somethings get past it easily, other things not so much. This is true with feelings, foods, medicines, hormones – everything. Generally its a marker for positive health when your blood brain barrier is stronger – however in my particular case I need it to be a touch less strong to have a greater impact on what I’m trying to accomplish — It seems 10000% counter intuitive to tell my body to “be less strong” …. so I’m not at all going to do that. I am however going to find ways to be sneaky – a skill I’ve learned, and get past my defenses in unusual ways.

The expression be careful what you wish for rings very true for me right now, because this is something that will be a …. well I’m not overly amused at the fact that my intuition recommended the coffee drought of 2021 – but I am also acutely aware of the fact that failing to honor this advice is far more insidiously wicked emotionally than the slight sadness with which I put my favorite beans lovely somewhere less accessible – thank god I have incredible tea to take its place. Long live java crucians, may we embrace the alternative to thrive another day.

Live is good.

I learned a long time ago to listen to my heartbeat – that is to hear it and be able to slow it or speed it depending upon the need, and to synchronize it with my breath. This has been a helpful skill many times in my life – and I’ve found of late, that the beat is different. Its a little … different to synchronize, and a little more challenging to speed or slow the beat. I have decided not to be overly ….. thoughtful? of this, more that its a thing of which to be aware.

My normal heartrate is in the 60s – I use a little care because its not uncommon for my resting rate to drop/dip into the 40s, so I just have to add a tad more activity to get it to be in the normal range.

I’ve found my blood pressure to be … a tad lower lately too – this isn’t overly concerning except for the fact that all of the meds, and all of my lifestyle of late would naturally put my blood pressure a tad higher – its not low to be of a concern medically – however given the fact that the “normal” would seem to be high for me – and its low – its … curious

Many things are curious right now. I’m struck by how much the choices I have made in my life have led me to a happier place – particularly in these turmolotious times. <- don’t you love when your spelling is so bad that spell check is like WTF mate, to your word – I know that there is a word, that clearly expresses what I’m trying to say, but I’ll be damned if I can figure out how to spell it.

It feels much like life is a rollercoaster right now, there are giant ups, and giant downs, and loops around, and spinning caves of knowledge, doubt but also hope – and just …. there are alot of times when I wish for a pause button – or something to make the ride a little more “its a small world” and less “thunder mountain” for a brief few moments.

People in the world are crazy – and I’m in the world, so I suppose that makes me crazy as well – and wow maybe the normal normal will settle down and be a thing soon.

Life is good. Overall, life is good.

So I had a birthday yesterday – and it like everything in the world right now was fraught with incredible highs and incredible lows. The advantage of being in my “middle years” is recognizing that this is the balance of living in the chaos.

I could chose to “not” live in the chaos, but I’ve found atleast in my life and experiences that while this is ridiculously boring and monotonous, the balance is not particularly any more pleasant here just less extreme – like you still have just as many bad and neutral encounters, you just miss out on so so many of the sheer bliss ones – because they don’t balance with what and where you are currently residing.

I’ve also seemed to find that healing lives in the chaos. Or atleast the healing I am using to keep myself alive. I have plans. Alive is the only way that these come to fruition, so they are sorta a requirement that is so baseline as to be neutral. “Step one: Alive Step two: Step three Fruition/profit” == going to take a transliteration from the underpants gnomes and live my best life, with a plan in mind.

This weekend will be my S’mores party. So so looking forward to this!! P made me a test run one last night, and we have decided Double Stuffed smores are only for the marshemello inclined – also seem to need to cook less – it was such a great gesture, and made me smile.

Flowers came yesterday and its so amazing how pretty it brightens up the space – my rose bushes in the front reminded me that the cold didn’t bother them too much – still crossing fingers on the rosemary.

Overall, life is good.

Woke up at 4:15 and forced myself to try and sleep or atleast “rest” until 7 when I fell promptly back to sleep – now I’m groggy – feels like the whole world is a fish tank, just keep swimming just keep swimming.

Had my left over birthday breakfast today – it was just as good on day 2.

Its a glorious start to a new week of happy surprises. I’m going for scans – and while I’m (as usual) apprehensive, I am honestly believing these will be great, the report card will be stellar and I go move on to other things of healing.

My body feels the almost 50 years its been around right now, and its time to start pushing to help it feel younger again.

While I know that plans for my birthday do not exactly coexist equivocally with this, its like the rest of life – we will find the balance and carry on.

Had an interesting conversation with P last night about gifts and learned things – we shared and lament and reminisced – I rubbed his feet, a good time was had by all.

I was so excited when G was so willing to help me put together my birthday pooh lego set, it so so rocks. P has been really getting into his 3d printer too and was able to print some figures – he is going to try for the legos next and I’m so excited to see how they turn out.

Some of the things of technology are just so so interesting, while it feels like they are moving so much slower than before, its still a wonder to me the pace at which they are progressing. Life and minds are progressing at lightening speed, but tech is just swimming to keep up.

Life is good.

Don’t be afraid because the universe is certain to provide you with other opportunities to learn it.

Had chemo this week, and its the time of lots and lots of rest.

Have a birthday this week upcoming, as well as all my scans for new tests.

There are some people in my life with odd things, that its time for them to move to outer circles. This is a growing thing, I feel that life teaches you these things to show you whats important.

A, C and my favorite nephew brought me a birthday breakfast care package today and it was amazing, it was so well planned and excecuted I felt like it was room service at some swanky hotel – it had yogurt with all the fixings, fresh juice and pumpkin pancakes with bacon and eggs – it even had a personally decorated delivery package that I will cherish with fond fond memories.

These are the amazing people in my life, who treat me like a princess even when I’m having day looking for the pea in the mattresses – sleep beckons.

The doctor got me some support for this “thing” in my belly button that refuses to get with the program and fly right – reminds me of an old song by nat king cole – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6fVaP6dM1fs First got turned on to so many amazing and boppy tunes by my grandmother – it was a “thing” …. of fond and learning memories from a young time in my life.

Even then the universe provided me with a repeat button on things I need to know – to be a better person – to be a stronger and more intuitive person – to know that putting myself first is paramount. Its really the only way to be alive – you can’t possible help anyone else effectively if your not taking care of you first.

Conditions in our world have given me so much pause lately – my head is spinning with so many thoughts – but today was not that day, it was a day of having people that I love pamper me.

Thank you life for helping me understand.

and other things that just make you laugh…..

Last night, P and I were doing our wind down time – this is something that has been a product – healthy beneficial product of the pandemic- — go go forced isolation and making the best of it! — to laughing hysterically.

There are just so so many good things in our lives. We were quoting memes – well before there was an internet there were memes in a different variety – and its so amazing to be of an age to recognize and be able to have these — I mean I love having so many varied “ways of society” in my life / history – from before the internet when things were more laid back and significantly less “rush rush rush” —- to the days of the first cassettes, to the days of the first discs, to the days of the first pagers, cell phones, to the first smart phones… to the first ipads, to the evolution of push the button like a pez dispenser for “give give give me more more more” …. and its amazing to me, how this progress is…

Was talking to my therapist about imaging’s I had recently about what it would have been like to live in the days when Edison was inventing the “light bulb” — when Electricity wasn’t a thing – …. its very hard to fathom but my tools of the expontial evolution of society provide a bread crumb trail of what it must have been like for those folks who first “saw the light bulb” and were aghast. I mean we …. take it for granted, you flip the switch and the power magically makes light generate — or in our case, you vocalize to Alexa “please turn on the lights” and magically they appear. Harry Potter step down chief, Alexa Is all that and a bag of chips — when she has internet and isn’t busy doing other things — spiderweb for another day.

The ridiculous of our memes are things like Terminator quotes, Goonies quotes – or the one that got us seriously started last night, Ming the merciless — We also quote song lyrics randomly – its so nice to be within a few years so we have the similar societal upbringing – and we have a shared of over 20 year background of joy to also reference.

We were talking about my favorite Nephew last night; and I suddenly realized the reason he is my favorite is of all my nieces or nephews — of all the other peeps in my life – he is the one that is most like P. He has so so many of the best aspects of the traits of P inside, without any of the tarnish of “life and growing up” stenciled into lead them a particular way.

Life is so full of amazing and unexpected surprises – so many of them are just incredible and its so great to be able to experience them.

Life is good.

There are alot of thoughts running thru my head right now.

Had some really good conversations lately with P & then R about mad skilz.

Had a revelation about the fact that “cells listen”

This has been a challenging year – and in my opinion one of the greatest things is that people are realizing that emotional and mental health are just as important as physical health. So many people do not have tools for dealing with time alone with themselves.

This seems like such a no brainer thing for me – but then its probably why I was so so resistant to going to a therapist for so long – sure I have very well developed skills for self analysis and self actualization – why do I need to pay someone else to do this… and how can they possible be half as good as me at doing me.

Going to therapy for these past two years – I have learned the value of having someone else with no agenda to listen and suggest. I have learned the value of another opinion, that I trust but that can only see the perspective from an outside observer. I’ve also learned the value of a PHd thru my therapist – not all folks of any career are “great” just because they got a degree doesn’t mean they gained the learning that went along with it – it just means they preserved, and as well know a 70 got the same degree as a 90.

There is a skill set for “being able to deal with yourself” — that just isn’t one you get without working on it. There have been alot of times I’ve spent working on this skill. Even before the dreaded C – I’ve learned, I’ve evolved, and hopefully I’ve become a better stronger person.

The revelation was about – well I’ve read and heard alot of folks talk in the past year about how our cells are “smart” — heck the new virus’s even take our cells to “school” much the same way that the immunotherapies have for a few years – teaching the cells “what to look for, how to recognize, and what to do about it” …. Our smart cells, like us. They like and believe what we think – but more importantly especially what we say. They like and believe our voice.

I was realizing as I was verbalizing the fact that its time for me to have clear scans. I could feel my cells light up in relief and happiness. I know, that I’m still working on the Big C – so it might not be the beautiful scan right now. But I believe, it is possible, its time and I can have clear scans.

So the revelation was – wow I need to speak this more often – because my cells are listening and I want them to light up in joy more.

It has been a really good day of getting to see my new baby niece, hanging with my brother, of getting acupuncture to support my healing.

I am very grateful for the people in my life that just send me random sunshine and fill up my vessel with joy and hope.

Life is good.

This song is playing in my head right now – I ran across a really good vlog by some of my favorite vloggers (video blog) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NNH7qzyuT4M

Its such a great thing to show some of the rabbit trails or bread crumbs that lead from stellar old style record recorded music, to new style music – the brain is an incredible thing and inspiration comes from so many places.

I do find it pretty interesting that the ones he references are sorta an odd thing – because if the “rewritten” songs were of white men, they would have been credited differently – insipid/hidden racism in another hidden place.

Music has always been this zen of a thing that can bring my body and cells into harmony in a magical way – I think this is much due to my childhood of music doing this to me at such a young age – while everything else was chaotic and in flux, the music was the constant.

Many times when I try to convey a thought or idea, a song will come to mind that basically represents the feelings that are attached with the thought or idea – not necessarily exact, but usually close enough for government work.

Thats an interesting expression too because it rather implies a truth that is societally known that “government work” isn’t always the best possible example of what can be — and this is kinda a well case in point for the fact that maybe we need a different one.

P told me about the senate hearings and I was … well its a good time to remind people that this is the beginning phases still of a pandemic – meaning a global emergency of health….. thoughts or feelings of personal freedom should be a bit more hobbled in the midst of protecting humanity as a whole…. Particularly when the actions are just a little bit aggressive personal protection. Wash hands more, social distance more, wear mask more…. sorta easy no brainer things…. Things “could” get worse, where we had to go thru biohazard tents on the regular or where we had to “consume things” to protect us on the regular…. These are the happy go lucky “easy” things….. Think does it really hurt me? If the answer is no, probably should just do it and STFU — its like seat belts – sure it was a damn sight of a infringement on “personal freedom” — but personal protection was “mandated” — wear your belt or else!

Its like the old adage that you can’t teach stupid – you can teach ignorance, if its willing and wanting to learn – but you can’t teach stupid. Sad to me that so many of the people elected to “represent us” are stupid. I’m sorry but not listening to the sound advice of a scientist that is actively studying a disease is … well stupid. Its like saying “come tell me what to do” … and then saying “no I don’t want to do what you say” …

Crazy times we live in. But then 🙂 we are alive to appreciate them.

Got a gift/present yesterday of a super cool backpack that was donated to the patients at center I go for treatments – it was so thoughtfully put together and has some really neat items to help you “feel better” while your doing icky things. Thoughtful people to build these, and really fun things.

So many blessings all over my world – so thankful for the people in my life that have gotten and are getting the vaccines this week. So hopeful that the other precious people in my life will be vaccinated soon.

Thank you universe for filling me with hope, inspiration and above all happiness. I am grateful for each ray of sun I am able to experience, and for each bright thing that fills my days.

Life is good.

This is a day of hope for me. I didn’t realize how much I was worried about a few things that suddenly just went right with the universe.

I feel empowered, haven’t felt that way in a bit – it helps that doc saw belly button and says “Oh it looks normal” …. Yeah team!!

Also curious call from infusion nurse asking me “does enhertu chemo cause hair loss?” … apparently I was only patient taking it, and now there is a second lady that starts this week – and I’m like …. “yeah, there are so many things in my case, however I’d be inclined to believe/think, that while it doesn’t cause “hair loss” it does cause hair thinning” — I mean I’ve been on this drug for over a year – and I still have hair – but its hard to say if the thinning is from the other medcines I’m taking or from this chemo.

Go figure, thin hair is the last of my concerns.

Had another friend that never cuts his hair mentioned he got his hair cut, and now he has perpetual bed head – we can be twins lol – I will say perpetual bed head is how I feel – its super thin but more concerning is its propensity towards being anima – I feel I’ll need to adopt an anima expression soon.

Funny thing happened while I was cooking P’s weekly jalapeno poppers. I have to be careful usually when I cut the jalapenos – which I did — however, this time one of the seeds some how ended up with alot of the oil up my nose – I’ve never had a seed up my nose, but when I blew out the nose from the oil being so so potent – there it was…. apparently I decided my lungs were a good place to grow jalapenos! — I’ll share my lungs with nightshade plants!

Well, as you can imagine it was a long time to get the oil/heat gone, I had a tear fest that lingered for hours.

On the plus side the bacon wrapped jalapeno poppers turned out no worse for wear – in fact they turned out super yummy – apparently Costco is the bacon place from now on.

Last night we were talking, and I offered to get P some peeps. They are hands down one of those “things” that he just loves. We were talking, and apparently the “chicks” are supposed to be ONLY yellow – and the bunnies ONLY pink…. all other peeps are suspect. Now here is hoping instacart knows the peep doctrine/rules.

The lady next door – I call her the crazy lady – maybe I’m just not comfortable with neighbors as a whole – cause I’ve never had ones I didn’t find ….. crazy, in one way or another – but she is cutting her lawn today, which its a little early in the season – but I was noticing we are growing “lettuce” of weeds right off our porch – I blame winter blizzard 2021 for this.

I’m thankful that the universe has gifted me with so so many blessings today – thank you thank you – I’m grateful for the people in my life that hung the moon and make life worth experiencing.

Got to see my nephew this weekend – he is growing so fast, his smile just brings sunshine to my life. It was an amazing visit.

I’m so glad life is allowing these things.

Life is good.