So Bing – microsoft web browser that is not as good as chrome but is integrated – has taken to showing me “amazing sights” for a while now – and this one just really I love – Milford Sound — Its off New Zealand – which coincidentally is one of the places on my strong list, and one I’ve been dabbling with lately.

A “sound” is something I’ve always found interesting/enjoyable – Puget Sound being my personal exposure to it, go go northwest for enhancing my life experience.

For some reason every time I hear someone say that “the sound” it makes Jule Andrews bust into song in my head with the “the hills are alive, with the sound of music” …. not that there is any type of correlation — atleast not from the Direct physical – but I will say that the area where I have explored and experienced multiple time “puget sound” has had a very distinctive natural “music” if you are can imagine to it…. the culmination of water, wild life, and wind always soothing to my soul.

I’m having one of those “but I wanna” days – its super early yet – maybe the little girl part of me will get distracted – here is hoping – from the “I wannas” …. Wanting to visit the ocean is one of those high on the list; its also high on the wish list for the rest of the Alethia’s swirling around in my head. We spent alot of time at Sea World exploring – we had annual passes, R and I spent the majority of a summer poking around there – there was a show – it was an indoor theatre show – which if you know Florida humdity, heat and perpetually rain at all will make sense why it was one of our favorite “come sit for an hour” places.

There was a line in that performance/show where the girl says “The ocean is…. the Ocean is….. because the character is exploring her thoughts”….. thats me…. IDK what I’d say exactly the ocean “is” but its something …. its like a comforting friend that sooths, protects, and cleanses all thoughts, struggles, strife out of my mind.

There are alot of these things I could use that inner calm for right now, it isn’t that I haven’t be “reframing” or “redirecting” my thoughts – its the fact that you reach a time when sometimes stepping into the shower or tub of life is beneficial.

May the universe provide this opportunity soon, even if it is so far away in this Milford Sound.

Life is good.

an 80s song by Belinda Carlisle — seems so so much like a weird memory moment – I remember when this song was brand new – and the music video came out. Both the lyrics and the video are so so “me” with their pictures of walking on the beach….

Sometimes my head just got to places or desires that are from a song or picture I’ve heard – I haven’t decided if this is “good” or “constructive” for me or not. Understanding where a tendency comes from, and why its happening is helpful – but its not a change, its only the identification – like the stickers for “garage sale” …. The Garage Sale of Life.

Its like breathes or heartbeats – in and out – be-at, be-at…. all a pleasant circle of fast, slow, even.

This month will be my 24th wedding anniversary – I have been together with P for half of my life – well technically that happened in april – but “conformity” says …. actual legal ceremony…. that was in August.

Its interesting to note how impactful this is to me, he is that external part that is like so many of the internal parts – from the perspective that he has been the comfortable underwear – — Yeah we all over them, the “favorite ones” that fit just right that you keep pulling out and picking first when the laundry is done — Pikachu I chose you!!

Something in the words. New games afoot — not sure how I feel about those, but seems its time. There is a part of me that wishes ice cream didn’t taste so amazing. Like who created or thought of this horrible delicious invention? Lets mix up this cream – add a touch of sugar and freeze it baby! — Maybe it started out as something “healthier” that was easier to eat in the hot summer months. Wiki has a whole history of the stuff but man, we have – to quote Virginia Slims – “come a long way baby” … Yesterday was filled with “misses” — this being one of them.

Life is striking me lately alot like misses, and I’m being “walked” alot – it isn’t that I’m such a threatening hitter – its more I feel, that the universe is stacking the bases with me, intent that I will get in for the run.

Have had so many weird series of dreams lately – all over the place about the world goings on, and much more immediate surrounding addresses — its very good to know my thoughts and feelings are quite capable of altering, and that the circle apparently, clearly applies to me.

Life is good.

Its the wee hours, and time, life and generally good things have woken me to start my day.

Have had a fleeting thought going thru my mind of writing a book of for my niece. Something filled with all the laughable memories I have of time growing up with her dad – not so much a bedtime story but something – when communication is hard for her – that will or could be a solace in places where you want to be alone, but not really. Figuring out the medium and format is choosing – well the younger parts of me all have very strong opinions on how I should approach this, and unfortunately at this time they are divergent – a few more weeks and let them still battle it out to see whose writing will reign supreme.

Yesterday was a day filled with “challenges” — you know those little things, that when you are in a good, strong place are really No Big Deal – just the “wow that was annoying” — but they are usually resolved — well quicker than you think, and less stressful than it seems in the moment – but still longer than was pleasant. Its when they all seem to be following in such quick succession and totally unrelated that it gives me pause. Wasn’t just mine – although I’m 100% certain by the nature of the energy that mine caused the ones P experienced to be far more icky.

We wrapped up the day by self compromise and acting like good little adults and being rational and reframing to get us both out of less constructive places and back into the inspiration station. I just look back at them and shake my head.

The best part is that from my own person experience, I know to be the case that the more “effort/frustration/learning” a thing takes … usually the result is amazing. Need this to be the case here, so that energy comes back and manifests as something truly profound and constructive.

There are so so many blessings in my life – its easy to get wrapped up in the drama associated with the small stones along the path. They will disappear or go into my pocket and be applied to the stone path we are trying to build to climb the mountains of life.

Did some pie-in-the-sky things yesterday to clear my head – looked at “luxury trips” — you know those ones that are beyond rich – its kinda like my version of “life times of the rich and famous” — A girl can dream – but I’m not sure even if we were in the perfect place mentally, emotional and most of all physically that I would be inclined to spend 10% of my overall retirement fund to take a trip – even if it looks so amazing and is a once in a lifetime thing — atleast for us – but it makes me wonder at the life that is the norm for those that do afford these trips. Crazy life.

My anniversary is rapidly approaching. This will be 24 years – been talking to P about “what you want” type of things – I mean he knows I’d love to go somewhere – it just doesn’t feel safe.

We ruled out a couple more enjoyable things on our circuit of activity because people are just not being smart. I know masks aren’t comfortable, and I know they aren’t 100% but even the small bandaid on the split open wound catches “some of the blood” — and if your arm is falling off you generally don’t go play in the mosh pit. If someone offers you a “immune booster” — you generally take it even if you are healthy – its like the reason we lock our doors – the door doesn’t need to be locked – its a minor form of protection – I mean it really isn’t a true deterrent if someone really needs or wants to break in – but its a small little sign and a way to redirect our energy towards “Not this place, go pick one that’s easier” ….. Just need to remind myself that this is the course that works for me, and its not my job to guide someone else’s ship.

Life is moving so fast and so slow all at the same time, and its remarkable to me. P and I talked last night about the pace of life right now. Days feel like weeks – not at all in a bad way but in an enjoyable way of experiences.

Life is good.

P and I were talking last night, I told him about one of the “new” techniques I’m trying/cultivating to allow my mind to try the pattern of “letting it go and being okay if we forget it” — To this end, I started brain dumping in a non-descript doc on my desk top anytime I find myself with more action items on my “to-do” list than my mind will let me focus on one to knock it out – basically my mind has become liken to a pinwheel – it likes to take an item and …. well there was a movie where the leads went to a fast food resturant and the catch phrase was “And then….” repeated over and over and over again….. and my mind has taken to the “this is how we do it” routine of just repeating what I need to do like a litany in my head.

While this has “in the past” be somewhat helpful sometimes for me to file things in my brain so that they don’t get lost – right now its stopping me from having enough energy to actually “do” the things instead of think about them.

So list — My gosh I love organizational tools – they just feel so crisp shiny and make me feel like I did something. More importantly, I’ve come to start letting them “keep track of all these merry go-rounds” so my head doesn’t have to….. Wow its alot more peaceful place now.

That being said – I had a weird one – a guy I went to HS with back … EHS 1991 – his first name was “Richard” — we were in …. well due to the nature of the programs we were in, and the size of the school – pretty much about 5 classes together. We weren’t “close friends” we were just school buds, in the sense that we talked, — I got pranked by he and his buddy, playfully, in one of the classes regularly — probably it was the combination of my pleasure, and distain all mingled together that sort of got them to continue – while I often “give alot of lip service” to not wanting to be the “butt” of the joke – there is a part of me that enjoys the comedy even if its at my own expense. Humor makes me happy — people having fun also makes me happy – provide its … safe, and not toxic — its just entertainment in a more personal and intimate place.

This friend – I ran into him a few years after HS – maybe 3 – at a community college we randomly passed between classes in the hall – the incredible rarity of this meeting and the fact that we both had to hurry onto class – made it a brief encounter that somewhat has stuck in my head. It isn’t what either of us said – those are gone from my head – its the fact that we both had a smile for each other, mutual recognition and respect.

My head, has decided in its infinite love of circling concepts that remembering this person’s name and making at minimal a cursory attempt at finding him is of some type of value in my life. While I don’t discount the possibility that there IS some value for me – it isnt’ visible to me readily and while there are alot of avenues for locating him and connecting the return for the effort is puzzling to me. Rarely in my life have I ever looked at the scales of energy cost so vigilantly. It isn’t a bad thing, its just not a skill I have honed as much as it is now.

So universe, so Richard, whomever/whatever the plan with this loop in my head about finding/connecting is…. I release it. I send it back to you, either provide a less expensive method energy expenditure, or provide me with a larger view of why this finding/connection has value to my needs, goals, or present objectives. Thanks.

Overall Lists are good. LIfe is good – freeing my mind — so the list can own the caucus race – is a blessed thing.

I remember a time – one in particular …. there is ofcourse a story around this….

When I worked at Walt Disney World – I worked for the magic kingdom in the costume department. When you worked for the grand employer at one of the theme parks – it was …. an interesting adventure getting and leaving work. They had what was called “dress and travel time” basically your “shift” started 15 minutes before and ended 15 minutes early – to allow you time to get into “costume” – yes even if you were a backstage minion – and to get on the “bus” from your vehicle and get to the place you would be working – and parking for your car at “work” was like visiting the theme park – they didn’t have labels like “goofy” for the areas, but it was… definitely a workout sometimes especially in the busy season to get from your car to the bus – and then time to wait, and ride to the “office” to get changed – and ready for “work” — 15 minutes was quite often pushing it – and it was normal to allow 30 before work.

As a young person that time seemed like mountains – it seemed like the beginning line of a rollercoaster – I hated it. It was an incredible build up for a job that wasn’t what I had hoped it would be – and while it was great and stable and the environment was safe and the workers were friendly – it wasn’t all I’d hoped so I hated it. With all of my not 20 self, it was a burden.

The place was in central Florida – which “the rainy season” is bluntly 10 months of the year – its the happiest and wettest placer on earth – or one of them. It rained nearly daily – and usually that rain lined up with my “getting to work time” — so it was extremely common for me to get soaked running from my car to the bus.

There is one memory in particular – I had gotten “loaned out” as an employee for the couple month “summer schedule” to one of the “side” hotel laundry/costume areas – and while this was “different/unique” — and had its own share of “things I greatly enjoyed” and things I ‘found wildly annoying’ — overall the rain daily was the most of the later…

This one particular day, I remember I was lamenting to the universe how “rain again, please please can’t I just have five minutes without any rain? ” and the universe laughing at me, for things — at other times you will be so so well – blessed for having.

I think back to this moment because its one of the first times I recall hearing the universe laugh in my head – and I remember my mind giving pause – I mean “rain” bleh. ….. and then I recall thinking to myself “but its rain, is it really so bad? ” — I think this is one of those moments when I went from hating to loving the rain -or it was atleast the first breadcrumb I consciously recall.

In my life, having lived so many places where rain is “NOT” often – not nearly as frequent and definitely much much more rare – for example – I recall a few years from this memory/moment – living in San diego – where they had a record 180+ days without any rain. The dynamic is so extreme.

Today, its raining – and I love the rain, I love the feeling of it hitting my face and shoulders….. I love the sound of it, and the freshness it brings – and it fills me with such hope and inspiration – but its often during these moments when I am so so thankful for the rain that cleared away the allergens and allowed me to be more physically comfortable – allergies taking a day off — where its turned everything lush and green — where the sky is lamenting its sorrowful song of loss and change. Where I am blessed to be able to enjoy this….

Its in these moments that the laugh of the universe, and that memory from so many years ago pops so vivid in my mind – thank you universe for always understanding the experiences I need to have to learn and grow and thank you for being understanding of my shortsightedness in asking for things, that you understand I probably don’t need, that maybe the fast food of the moment, but not the nourishment my body and soul need.

Thank you for allowing me to enjoy this journey – the times, the experiences, the moments, the breaths, the loves – the lives and souls that touch and caress mine.

Life is good. Oh and so is the rain.

Its the one phrase in swahili I know, thanks to the disney empire. My dad used the “no worries” expression in one of our communications yesterday and I laughed. I adopted this many many years ago – the toon is catchy but the sentiment more so — “no worries” — seems overly appropriate for this time and age – a gentle perpetual reminder life is good, and that worries is a bag of poo that needs taken out once a week – but isn’t something you really need to carry around “no worries” or better translated as “take it easy” —

Many tribulations, many “not resolved” things – I have to keep redirecting my mind like a cat with one of those string toys “no over here, no over here” — Luckily for me the universe has provided me with a life of seeking shiny treasure, and some specific mental, emotional and most recently actual physical tools for regulating and enforcing this….

While its incredible and a joyous thing to see other people reach long earned milestones, and to cheerlead to help them get there — I have found especially of late, how truly blessed I am to get to experience those for myself.

Enjoying the progress reports because it means THERE was progress, and there is still time to shift the sails and sail the boat in a different current or horizon. The boat is mine, the captain is mine, the crew are all mine, and above all else the journey is mine.

Life is good.

When you support poor business practices, you encourage them to continue by the voice of your dollar.

This is a lesson i learned a long time ago, and I have had many many repetitions of this.

Today was another example of me making the mistake of supporting and falling into the trap of “well but but but” that goes along generally with rising above and deciding “No, I’m not going to support this bad practice, fix it”…. Today I fell into the trap of “well maybe it will be okay? …. ” or the “well, maybe it will work out okay today”….

Food Deliveries; great idea, poorly executed. All the lemmings have followed along with these poorly supported/developed plans, and we have just accepted them – this isn’t right. Delivery should be the “norm” and shouldn’t be an upcharge. It should pay the driver a normal wage, plus wear and tear, and I shouldn’t have to or be encouraged to “tip” for something that isn’t really a service, its a standard of the operation.

When I’m ordering hot food – it shouldn’t be delayed for “multiple delivers” — um — your going to take my food on a 3 hour tour? This already sounds sketch, but now I have paid for the priviledge- hope my eggs enjoy seeing the sights.

I have heard the horror tales of how much the restaurant is upcharged for the “priviledge” of being available on these programs. I have seen the upcharge of the food I have previously ordered suddenly increase for no reason – I have seen the cost of the “service fee” — Service Fee? increase steadily because someone thinks it should – taking advantage of those that can’t do for themselves.

So in an environment where we are trying struggling hard to encourage people to stay at home – away from others – we are being punished for following this by poor business practices.

I don’t know what the solution is – I don’t know that this is not where my focus should be right now – I do know that its just frustrating as the human that wants the world to be a better place that I feel the safer route is to encourage bad business practices to continue to provide a safer place for me – but is it really safer? The world may never know.

Life is good – challenging, chaotic and crazy – but good.

I want to document this, so I have it for well bluntly for explanation on all the papers at my desk – the four page package on the new “protocol” we are doing – and also to let me poof it into words and let it go.

Yeah this is a very strong technique for me, that once I write something out I forget it completely.

I’ve often said that the reason for alot of people dying to cancer is the fact that they give up and give in – They decide that dealing with the frustrations are more than they are willing to bear. It has often struck me like my time at the fitness camp where they kept pushing and pushing and you learned that what you “thought” was your limit was clearly far away from your limit because not only did you not die, or pass out — you really didn’t get much more than super tired and a little – yes really only a little sore after 8+ hours of fitness. I am capable of enduring alot more.

The new protocol is three medicines – we are going to shorten for the sake of ease of speech the H one – that I have taken for 5 ish years, that is a part of wholely a part of the protocols from the past – It will be the infusion part and the only part that my doc office is able to get/give me.

The other two parts of this protocol are the C/K part and the TT part – both of which I need to get from a specialty pharmacy. I thought that meant “I could get these from the same place, just a specialized place” Like medical mamajuana I have very few choices – apparently when it comes to chemo drugs – one of the tools you fight the second likely killer of humans you only get specialized places. Okay I understand.

Apparently there are “specialty pharmacies” that my insurance approves – they can pick and chose. Apparently not all of them can source the C/K or the TT – so it would seem after days of struggling to get approved thru one or another – having talked to the handful available at this point – there isn’t one that is “allowed” …. I wonder who it is giving permission for my drugs? — there isn’t one “allowed” to supply them.

My mind goes back to snow apocalypses to the not being able to get my anti seizure meds – to there being supply shortages – to the fact that all of these specialty pharmacies are NOT in Texas – to the mail issues and the delivery concerns …. so so many things …. to P deciding about potential transitions…. so so many things.

After spending more than 8 hours – closer to 10 of my time on my phone talking to super nice, very unable to assist me, people at many of these different companies – I still do not have medication on the way or in hand for a treatment my docter had wanted/planned to start on Thursday.

There is a larger portion of me that knows that stress is extremely counter to healing. Time and planning and the unknown in this is extremely stressful? Its like playing my own game of iron chef. “will she make the deadline” …. who sets the deadline? what is the purpose of the deadline? “are my thoughts helpful, how do they behave?

Most challengingly is the fact that I don’t feel any closer to a resolution on this then I was at the beginning when my oncologist said to me “we aren’t doing chemo today” ….. well news flash we might not be doing chemo every again! …. Because as the song goes “I have the power” and Healing > Stress over meds. …… Leaving aside the huge huge swing of super ridiculously annoyingness of having to “take multiple chemo pills twice a day, as well as get injections” and the likely really super uncomfortable side effects of said meds …. “like super likely to get diarrhea! YEAH SIGN ME UP!” or “hair likely to thin even more” “WOOT! an opportunity to shiny my inner bald again”….. and the side effects less likely hat could mean untimely demise — but hey its supposed to extend my life right? …. Maybe.

Frustrations how you vex me into shaking my head and understanding – finally – why someone would call uncle about these things — I mean lets just say that the cancer overall hasn’t caused me as much pain, suffering, annoyance as the multitude of “things to make it less, things to help me live longer, things to fix things” … have done for me.

Overall, and in great abundance – Life is good – just all the tribulations are making me shake my head and wonder.

Had an interesting thought roaming around in my brain this morning of a “role reversal” of James bond – what I mean by this is a reverse of every character cast in that series.

I could see Lucy Lui being an incredible Jamie Bond – and Johnny Depp being a great Agent M – and I can see such a rich diversity intermingled with the recast.

I feel like while there are blant sexual innuendos and down right half the plot is about sexual exploits – I feel it would be interesting to watch.

Could just be a mental rabbit hole – I go thru alot of these, but that is a powerful character – has been both the good and the bad of the instrument of learning how to say something without saying something – and it just didn’t occur to me how I missed the obvious that I was letting my “hero” be a man vs a woman.

This realization somewhat occurred to me from the perspective that I don’t have many female role models in my head – the characters that I feel are the “strong guiding source material” for many of my thoughts are men. Apparently my mind state is far more critical of women then men – I find faults more easily with women then I do with men – while I don’t quite understand the why of this – it is a very interesting/profound thing for me to recognize.

Its a time for me filled with different untraveled paths. I’m finding alot of those all around me and the exploration of the ones I’m endeavoring to peek at is incredible.

Life is an adventure always. When we chose a path that is so different it sort of makes the view of everything equally so different. Somehow the internalization of the concept that different isn’t bad or good has finally sunk in more and I’m chosing often to find what could easily be bad as good.

The adage that what doesn’t kill us makes us strong is stucking in my head alot lately – I’m also finding ways to magic myself into amazing circumstances – Its like my own personal tilt-a-whirl of life.

Overall Life is good.

My head is doing a caucus race – something it does on the regular and I’m beginning to learn how to better catch, redirect, clear this. Still quite a challenge.

Went yesterday to get the next chemo, really really didn’t want to get it – when the doc asked “how are you doing today? ” I laughed – as I normally do when people ask this question – let them think whatever they want for my reply – its the most honest way to reply to that question. It is saying so much and nothing at the same time – no violation of my internal ethic system maintaining the pure honesty I feel is an absolute – but at the same time not taking on the burden associated with telling them verbal answer to their actual question – which is normally not what they were after when they asked. I answered in words “welp I don’t want to take this chemo today”

She, in her infinite wisdom – the reason she is on my team — small spiderweb here – when I spoke my response my little kid inside immediately got her little kid out and she replied “we aren’t doing chemo today” …. but I digress, she wants to start me on a new “protocol” — the pc way of saying — we have some other drug that we think will do other things that might be better for your circumstances “Protocol” —

Should be mentioned, when you go to the doctor they basically take a outline of where and what you are – with where and what your cancer stuff is — and then they match that up to the “flow chart of medicine that they have established thru university trial and error and thru predictive insurance approval.” — So you start with A, and move thru the alphabet depending upon how dangerous it is, and how drastic it is and how effective it is……. So lets go back to me –

When I started the protocol I specifically requested, I jumped ahead a bunch of “letters” — mostly because a friend recommended the lecture about this med, and I was actually inspired by the research symposium because the professor of the students presenting their research/findings – was joyous with the response. The FDA fast tracked this drug, and I requested it – as did my oncologist at the time, and I started it. Effectively I skipped ahead from protocol C down to Protocol H —- That isn’t to say that protocol D, E, F, G would have been any less effective for me – but this H seemed like what I wanted, and my oncologist agreed. So now we will be going back …. well a new medicine was released shortly after my H protocol and they actually put it earlier in the listing. Its now the new “G” – so we are stepping back to go forward.

This is an interesting thing in my life – and the most positive confirmation about this new protocol there is — for the best possible results life moves forward and backward – often for me the more challenging the problem the more I have to step back and clean up the room before we continue to go forward to place the new things.

So this protocol will suck — alot and have alot of very not fun aspects — however, I looked at some of the stats and some of the possibilities and it is somewhat remarkable. As I have indicated many times, chemo doesn’t kill cancer, the body does that job — this drug however, gets in to the cells, does the similar thing to the past protocol of “preventing replication” and also makes the cancer cells dazed and confused – and the outcome is they often self destruct. This should be helpful to my body in eliminating these self invaders, but will be alot more taxing on my system in terms of elimination of the bad and the chemicals.

There are alot of pictures on the web of “how this medicine impacts the cells” …. and there are a slightly higher risk associated with this medicine then the previous – but I still think its fairly low — bad if you won the lottery of symptoms —– but I think I already won the lottery because I’m here to type this 🙂

We will “fast track this new protocol” and the hope is that we get to start it next week – little kid is still a little upset about more icky …. but we all grow up and learn how to embrace that child and navigate thru the climate we are privileged to exist in…

Overall, and with great abundance – Life is Good.