We went out to run some errands today, and it was just one of those terrible enviable Texas days. The ones where its just the perfect temperature, bordering on almost too warm, but where when the car is moving and the windows are down, the air blows cool and you feel empowered like the world is your oyster and you can do whatever you want.

These days aren’t impossible rare, but they are definitely more rare than just uncommon. I suppose probably some parts of the world have more of these than not – San Diego seemed to have more of them, but there were other things to make them not quite as beautiful IMHO.

Here, the roads, the highways, the speed limit is so fast, that cars just move, and there is really – or there was today, very little traffic. There are truly wide open spaces still here in Texas, where you can drive with just open fields.

Today we were driving and there were trees randomly – or seemingly randomly to me – planted in this giant field. P told me they are planted to be wind breaks. He explained this concept to me, and its something I hadn’t considered before, but it truly made sense.

The more I learn about Texas, the more interesting it becomes. Some things make me shake my head, and others make me just say “bless its little heart”

It was a good day. One where I’m not only happy to be alive, but I felt like I was thriving. Felt the vitality coursing thru my body.

I slept late today, and when I woke, P was out doing a project of his own in the garage, with Starbuck. It was pretty adorable. He went back out after the drive and did a couple more projects. Its incredible to me, how this time at home has really helped both of us evolve into better humans.

I’m realizing, that a thing I haven’t ever quite settled on is finding a “spot” as “home” – for me home isn’t really a place, or a thing its just the people. For P its not the people or the spot, its the “things” We are both adapting, and its a subtle thing, but its also a pretty amazing thing.

I love the fact that we are learning together. I am so grateful for these times for us to do that, to have this time to embrace some of the best qualities in each other, and learn how to help each other thrive and be stronger. There is hope for all of humanity, if we can just all help each other do this.

I learned another thing today, as we went to Starbucks, and there were just gobs of people there, not really social distancing, and not wearing masks. I watched from a safe distance, wearing my mask, and I noticed my head started pounding. I’m extremely sensitive to the energy of others, especially right now. I mentioned this to P when I got back in the car, and he acknowledge, and told me it would be okay, and he made another loop for me on the highway to help me clear my head and relax into the amazing breeze.

Thank you universe for educating me, and allowing me to learn in a safe and protected way some of my best and worst skills, and to help me have a friend to go along with…..

It will be a busy week, but I’m pretty excited I get to put off scans until early July – I’ll have all of the battery of tests together, so I get some time to just work on myself and healing. Pretty exciting, especially as I’m feeling stronger.

Here is to good days, filled with lots of humor, lots of joy, love and an abundance of happiness. Like a keg of beer, lets pass these around, don’t worry, the universe as an abundance of source, will never run dry of these things, there is plenty of them to share till we all reach our fill.

Had another series of those wacky healing type dreams again recently.

The first was well – first prelude. I play this game called “Hearthstone” its by Blizzard – and its a personal card game where you can play against other players, or against the computer in adventures. I’ve played for years, and I’m not a terrible player but definitely not a great or strong player, but I enjoy it greatly, because it just has some elements of RNG (random number generator) that are “fun” for me, and some that are just unforgiving, and difficult. The adventures are pretty straight forward, some of them are really alot more difficult than others. I have been working on completing/finishing one for a few weeks, and I finally the night before the dream finished it. It was glorious, it was so unexpected, I play to play when I win its rather unexpected and its like the speakers amp up and I hear crowds cheering “we are the champions” and I feel the need to dance around and do the happy dance.

So I had gone to bed on the back of this triumphant victory, and so unexpectedly the “healing” dream was about this win – I was replaying this win, except I was “beating” the issues in my body, and the cards played were “towards wins” – it was one of those types of dreams where each iteration – and there were many because it was a “win” and I was utilizing it to “amp” healing – so my mind would start it over, and we would “practice” it again. Sufficed to say, I woke up physically feeling much better. Even though all the steps were game related, they “felt” like they had worked on problem areas in my body, and those areas felt “better” — “Hagatha” was the boss in Hearthstone I beat – and “beating Hagatha” all night – seems to have made me stronger, and healthier. Go figure 🙂 if it works, it works.

So the most recent dream a little more far out, but a little more specific. Having some issues with a weird thing. My body, after 47 years has decided to finally develop a Boil. It also seems to have taken a poll and decided that a “most inconvenient” or rather a “significant challenging” place to put this was in my fake belly button. While I was working on healing this, it was seeming to be getting not better fast enough, and due to conditions in the world, and in my body, the idea of an infection was not at all appealing, so I reached out to Dr J for guidance – did I need to go to urgent care? After some direction, she called me in an RX for antibiotics, which I realized are the first ones I’ve taken in 5 years. Go team for the Big C making me healthier? Or rather the one forcing my body to not allow the others? IDK – now as I get healthier its like my body has finally decided to say “Oh yeah, well lets see how you do with XYZ” – this time XYZ is this boil.

So we got an antibiotic. And I started it last night, and realized relatively quickly two things. One – she ordered an extremely high dose/powerful one for me. Two – it was helping.

So my dreams are well, a little bit clarified. After the second dose, it was time to crash for the night, and the wacky dreams that came were me attacking this boil. Attacking is somewhat incorrect, more like working to heal it – in this dream, the antibiotics were like this Hanz and Franz team that were helping – Dr J was there, but she was like this giant moth ball – not really a “moth” ball, but a “something” that had to be dispersed to do “medical things” that helped before Hanz and Franz could get in there and pump this thing up – they were trying to show it how to heal, and what needed to happen to get back into the right shape.

Ever iteration of this dream more “things” came along to help. There were more “moth ball like things/tools” that came out of the wood work to help – and DR J was coordinating them, as she had me relax and lay still to allow the other minions to coordinate. Each iteration I would feel a little better, a little stronger.

After a few iterations I’d wake for the nightly trips to make the bladder happy – and I was amazed how much better I felt. I’d drink some more water, head back to comfortable position, and Dr J would take back over the rehab of this bad booboo. It was a sorta weird/surreal experience. I woke when the Antibiotic wore off, so I figure this is a sign that it was a medicine induced dream.

Overall its a happier day than others – somehow having dreams were my body remembers that we got this, that it can do this, and that this is a small thing along the trail – somehow – those are super empowering.

Weird fantasy land dreams always somewhat make me happy – its the overactive imagination of my mind. Where I still believe rainbows can come out of the hearts of bears in the carebear stare, and they can still do the magic of healing and helping people.

Maybe we all just need a little more carebear stare 🙂 Rainbows all around!

When I was younger, and I especially when I would stay at my grandparents house, we would always watch the price is right – the original one with Bob Barker – and there was one particular game – its the game of how I feel today — Cliff Hanger – https://priceisright.fandom.com/wiki/Cliff_Hangers#:~:text=Cliff%20Hangers%20has%20a%20cardboard,mountain%20climber%20to%20his%20doom. Where the little mountain climber is climbing up the mountain and your supposed to stop him when he gets to the price. Except its health not price.

I’m climbing this giant mountain towards the goal of health. and right now, I’m having to “stop” to enjoy the rest?area? – it doesn’t really feel like a rest or really an area – some things “other than C word” are causing me difficulties – they are just weird timing things, and weird things that I haven’t ever really experienced before in my life.

One thing I’m learning thru this experience, is not all of the “things you have never experienced” are the most pleasant – but thats part of life right? Good with Bad? Balance – some of the things have to be unpleasant so I can fully appreciate the beautiful amazing things.

I went to water my plants today – they are really doing amazing – and the bird was STILL living in the marigolds – I feel for this poor creature, I mean I water this plant EVER day – marigolds need the water, and with as hot as it is – maybe its like having a hot tub in her nest? I dunno. I was a little sad to disrupt her, maybe its a balance thing for her, the good and the bad, fresh wet soil for a little extra water once a day?

I got some chocolates today, the Keto type, from a company – well I fell for the hype – facebook is perpetually sending me ads – and this one looked good – https://phikind.com/ – they are chocolates without sugar, all good right? Except they have Stevia – sigh. Its really quite unfortunate since they use really good chocolate.

Taking antibiotics for “things” going on right now, and I was realizing, this is the first time in over 4 years I’ve had to do this – I honestly don’t’ recall the last time I had to take antibiotics. My stomach is already shouting at me in protest, but its necessary. I’m beginning to realize this is one of the parts of the mountain climb that is hardest for me right now, accepting the fact that some of the time I need to just tell my mind to STFU and just take the meds the doctor tells me to take.

My mind has alot to say these days, alot of it isn’t super great, but sometimes it has the most profoundly grateful things to say…. Like I’m super grateful for warm Texas weather. I know this will sound a little odd – but it is such an amazing contrast to go outside, and experience this heat, and it will help clear the virus from outside things. It also makes me realize how greatful I am for ac and the fans we have to keep it cool inside.

P was driving me today, and we got cut off by a Florida driver. He said, its another Florida driver – and I said ‘I’m from Florida” – and he said “yeah but you have been in texas long enough that you are a Texas driver now” – it was a pretty amusing thing – As I haven’t been able to drive in two years, I guess its sorta a pretty irrelevant point for the moment. I do miss driving. There was something about it that was therapeutic in a way that I haven’t found anything else to fill that gap. Its not so much a necessary thing, as just a comfort thing.

This feels like a time of learning for so much of the world right now. Its tricky to try and make sure that this can be seen from the positive, the learning, the opportunity to advance knowledge and perception. Its a big emotional framing thing, to be able to see it from a good perspective, when it feels so “not good” – whether it be frustrating, sad, or angry. Its not that these feelings are wrong or invalid, just limiting, and they aren’t helping the learning go faster, or the knowledge get integrated any easier.

Drink more water, is the thing my head and heart can agree on all the time right now, alot of the time they are just in uncomfortable discussions about what I should be doing, or what I should be focusing on – there are so many things right now, inside and outside of me, and I find myself alot of the time just tired, so tired. While I know atrophy is a decision, it feels a little less wrong right now than usual. Doing the wrong thing, or stepping the wrong way feels alot worse than usual, and my usual curiosity has decided to just take a vacation and hide in the back of my head – its been saying “yeah you got this, I’m enjoying the mia tia’s, we will be curious again another day” — this is like a night and day thing, I hope it doesn’t impact my nine lives – well probably 7 or 8 at this point, I’m certain I’ve used up one or two already.

Tomorrow will be a busy day, but it should be a hopeful helpful day, that lets me renew my believe that humanity is a gold star of life on this planet. Or atleast I’ll feel better tomorrow 🙂

Song for todays post: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LODkVkpaVQA

My peace lily from my dad a few months back – I thought I might have killed it but no! its come back, it has 3 flowers on it now. Maybe I’m curing my brown thumb. My merigolds are also doing pretty well – except for the bird nest in the middle lol – I hope it doesn’t hurt the flowers.

Its amazing to me how animals have this ability to just yoga or sleep where ever they are on the moment. It doesn’t matter that its short, they just don’t consider “not” doing it. I love watching Starbuck sleep, with his little legs jump or spasm like he is running or reacting or playing. It always seems so peaceful. I’ve watched other animals like this too, there is some serendipity to it, like they have all the secrets of the universe and just are trying to teach us by example. Its more than a little humbling.

Lately the thing Starbuck is trying to teach me is that he would really like wet food every day – we have a routine where he gets the wet food every other day. How this works is, so I don’t forget which day it is – I leave the wet food container down. So its either a morning to throw away a container, or to grab a new one. He has picked up on this method, and has decided to alter it. He has started dragging the empty container over near the trash, and almost hiding it. This is also across from the next wet food. I believe his thinking is that if I can’t find the empty container I will assume its wet food day and get him another serving. He is a little foxy in his thinking. Schipperkes are known for being pretty crafty.

Today was an acupuncture day. Always feels so much better after being poked. It helps my chi flow better throughout. Also kinda makes me sleepy – but its a good sleepy – one that triggers the sleep of a thousand years, and I get time for that sleep tonight so I’m pretty much looking forward to long peaceful happy sleeps tonight.

Last week I managed to do some plucking on my eyebrows – something I honestly haven’t done in decades. Getting them waxed by someone who understands how to make them look incredible has just been something worth giving up many other things to ensure. I miss this with all the isolation things. I was sorta surprised how the plucking turned out, while I don’t feel its as great as waxing – I do feel its significantly less burly bear than it was before. If only the hair on the top of my head grew as well and thick as my eyebrows. I suppose I should just thank you luck stars for this growing. Thank you universe for giving me eyebrows that required a lawnmower to trim.

Speaking of lawns…. we have this incredible lawn guy – he has been cutting our yard for many years now – since the last incredible one we had moved on to other professions. There is something about these incredible lawn people that is unique. They just have a passion for this… I have watched “james” cut our lawn, and he is “in the zone” – he is fast, but more he is just really enjoying the work. He cuts, trims, and blows the lawn and porches off and its always super fast, and my favorite part is that its good – it always looks amazing when he is done. Yesterday it was ridiculously hot – we had record heat for the time of year – and I was a little worried about him. He was just so efficient, its just crazy to me. I know there are things I’m passionate about – I know other loved ones with things also – but there is a small disconnect of understanding of someone that could really be this passionate about trimming and caring for lawns – but I do “know” he is…. Its easy to see, and the smile on his face is reflective also.

In the course of our projects, P and I moved the tredmill inside – its too hot to use in the garage so now it will be a living room ornament (I truly hope not) – P has used it twice already so hope springs eternal – I’d like to be using it but with pelvic and back pain its not a good idea yet – maybe few more days. It is pretty nice that we were able to do this project just the two of us – although it was pretty intensive, steps to get up and into the house was a little hard for me, but we did it!

I’m enjoying and relishing the accomplishments. There are so many projects we have in the works, and when we do one, particularly when we are on the same page, its like a harmony with the universe. The clouds open and the sky sings hymns of rejoicing – and mostly I sit with a smile and P sits with a smile of satisfaction that lingers for hours.

We have been finding some humor in odd places, and I have to say, there is NEVER enough humor in life or in the world. Going to have to think about ways to increase it in my daily routine.

I’m very grateful for the blessings in my life, and for the many things I get to do, have been doing, and am looking forward to doing. Its going to be a great second half of 2020.

The birds are out in full force lately – have seen alot of uncommon ones with beautiful colors. One of the redbird families has decided to build a nest in my hanging marigold plant – go figure – I water this thing every day fully and the bird is like “we good”

As we drive to my appts a couple times a week, its pretty common for us to see 1-2 of the regular hawks. The bluebirds frequent the place where I go for injections.

Even though its Texas hot already this early in June – the birds are finding the ways to be happy and live their lives.

I’m finding ways to do that too. Been doing journals back and forth with a few family members, and its always a thing I look forward to of writing back to them in the journal. Got the one for D and I’ve been slowly trying to work thru it to get it back to her.

A few bad days, that I have to say are FOR THE BIRDS! – I blame the recent chemo treatment, or rather, the being so tired before the treatment, and mostly not being able to get enough sleep to help my body be strong enough to endure.

I suppose its pretty common for most people to have a “thing” that they have less tolerance for dealing with no matter how strong, or how able to withstand pain they are… I’ve been struggling with one of my “buttons” coming to the forefront and saying “Hey you want this, you work for it” = As if I weren’t already….

Its pretty hard sometimes to stay strongly motivated when things are pushing you against the wall. I feel like that one Farside comic, where there is a kid pushing against a pull door – the sign above the door says “gifted school” – It just feels like there is something small I’m forgetting that is making these things much harder.

These dreams by Heart – These dreams go on when I close my eyes….

I finally did the exercise I committed to a few weeks back of drawing myself a picture to remind myself I can do this through the bad things, and its in a prominent enough place that it is a perpetual reminder when I am wanting to scream and fight the dragons that are turning parts of my back into a firey rage of pinched nerves. Go to sleep dragons, and ideally in a less painful place please, kkthx.

Got a chance of the past few days to talk to alot of the folks I love dearly that are so far away from me. Not getting hugs from local folks is bad, but realizing how long its been since I had a hug from these far away folks is somewhat even worse. Days/Weeks vs Years – not really alot of comparison.

It is pretty funny the radical remission program did teach me a really cool meditation type of tool for basically getting into your head about a memory of the “most” powerful memorable hug with a someone, and basically calling that memory up vividly – the sights, the smells, the feels, the emotions, all of the things that make up that hug – and its kinda pretty powerful how much it heals your heart when you do this – its like calling up the memory makes it feel to your body how much good it did for you. I have been doing this with some memories for my grandparents recently. I have so many sensory things with all of those.

My grandfather A always had this very earthy smell to him – he wasn’t really a huggy man, but there are a few hugs I remember in my life that were long and heartfelt with him and the feelings of those hugs are pretty powerful. His hugs were about personal strength and stamina, and the ability to accomplish things beyond what seemed possible, solely for the purpose that it needed to be done.

My grandfather L also not really a huggy man, very different smells and feelings, and there are a few hugs I remember clearly where he held me and would somehow make the world seem smaller and safer. His hugs always felt light, always felt like the world was a smaller place, and somehow completely within my power to thrive and climb mountains because adapting the world to meet my needs was always possible.

I’m not at all saying that the hugs of others were less powerful, but these two men are a rock for me right now, because their hugs were a take over the world type of hug combination, and right now, I need to take over my world, and I need my body and cells to be the anheuser bush clydesdales and just keep swimming and get me to stronger parts of my life. Ready to be done with the mountain, and ready to come back down to the next challenge.

A friend last night told me that this is just a brief period of my life, and that when its done the rollercoaster of health will be just that, it was an inspiring thing and it made me realize she is not only right, but I got this. Just have to remember to keep swimming.

Had some fill up to my hug deficit today. Feels good, feels more balanced, you don’t notice the gap until you get some.

I did a thing yesterday…. I had this belt bag/fanny pack thing from my five year anniversary when we went to Hawaii – it seemed pretty perfect for my doctor visits right now, to hold my things, and be relatively easy to clean/disinfect after each. The clip on it broke. P ordered a replacement, and this required some quick sewing. Hand stitching. It was good to utilize these skills and fix this…. Felt pretty great to be able to put it back in action. Holding it without being able to clip it was less effective, doable but far less overall great.

One thing I did notice, that its time to get to that new eye doctor. I was however, super glad when I got this small little sewing package a few months back – before isolation things, that I had also gotten one of these little magnifying glass stand things, that worked out perfect for stitching.

P has perfected the Chaffle Pizza – so amazing, to be able to have pizza with virtually no carb – just egg/cheese for the crust, the thing not only looks beautiful, but tastes fabulous. No heaviness feeling afterwards either, so pizza is back on the menu again.

We got to go out this morning, to run an errand, and it felt pretty good. I got to sleep late, and when I got up, P asked what I was in the mood for…. I gave it some thought, and realized – totally out of character for me, that I was really in the mood for the pork ribs he had found the week before. This place is called Interstellar BBQ and apparently its run by a true chef – and it shows. The flavors are absolutely fantastic – I have for the entirety of my life been a avid no pork – with the exception of bacon – person my entire life, its just been a flavor that didn’t taste great to me. This pork rib is truly an exception – P told me its Mole marinade so maybe the chocolate makes the difference – can’t really taste it, and its not sweet at all – but the thing just melts in the mouth and has this incredible texture and taste. Was quite suprised to not only enjoy it last week, but find myself craving it today.

Recently I managed to finally use the recipe that my sister in law gave me, when she kindly came over to prep the parts for me to make these super tasty green drinks. There is a part of it that can be prepped before, and frozen to make the drink come together super easy, and she graciously has prepped them twice for me in the past. I was able to finally do the prep work myself. Feels pretty great, and I tried out the first one yesterday, they turned out really good. It feels pretty good to have been able to make it myself.

I am so grateful for the amazing people in my life. Always offering me inspiration, blessings, and optimism. They are like shining stars in my sky full of amazing possibilities, and always guiding me to be my best possible self. I am blessed for this, and while I am certain I don’t express my gratitude to them enough, I do work to ensure they know that I love them, and that I’m humbled by all of the warm well wishes I receive daily.

A small funny thing, with the current conditions requiring wearing a mask to all of my appointments, it was worth noticing that it impacted my oxygen level quite negatively when I was stuck delayed for my appt over an hour. It pushed my oxygen level down to a 94, when I usually run 97/98. After she took the first reading, I snuck my mask off my nose, while I was alone in the room for the next twenty minutes, and then asked her – when she checked on me – to run the test again – and of course the oxygen level was back to normal. Go figure.

I think tomorrow will be back to supplements day – having to stop them for the day before and a few days after chemo is really not ideal, but ensuring I don’t have conflicts between the two is probably the desired goal.

I got to imagine some things today with some people I care about, and I suddenly realized what John Lennon must have been feeling and envisioning when he wrote the song “imagine” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YkgkThdzX-8

This world, these times, they are hard. Its so easy to lose track of the fact that we have amazing things here, and there are more good than struggles. More things to bring us hope, promise of blessings, and things to be grateful for. I know I’m guilty of this, of getting lost and bogged down in the hardship, in the negativity.

I finally sat down and did something I’ve talked to my therapist about alot, and wrote myself an empowering picture. To remind myself, when days are hard, when I’m feeling lost, and tired, and uncertain if I’ve lost my way. To remind myself I know the way, and that while the path maybe foggy at that moment, it will be clear again, there will be rainbows again.

The bird family that decided to make the marigold in the back porch their nest, seems to have continued to feather there – even with me watering it once a day. I suppose this is the same for them as all the struggles I’m experiencing. Unless of course, its just like them enjoying rainy days – good thoughts and good things to ponder.

May your nests feather well, and maybe there always be light to guide your path. Here is hoping for more good days. Hugs are important.

Song for today: These dreams by Heart: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=41P8UxneDJE Lyrics

Have had some spectacular dreams of old and new things lately. Some with messages, some with hidden meanings, and some to explain thru my personal history where some of my not so great believes and patterns come from… Just interesting tales of Alethia past history.

So many too much to disentigrate at this time, need some time to think on them and break them into smaller chunks of meaning. I’m certain they will end up here once I figure out what they mean.

Had chemo yesterday, which was sorta a fun ride of will they won’t they – apparently some new billing person recoded my chemo as “something else” and that triggered insurance to require new approval. Good news! they approved once coding was fixed. New People learning new skills, what can you do but love them. I got to see my doctor, and she helped me with my deficient quota – this is why she is my doctor, she is a human first.

We are all humans, people seem to forget that with the contemplation that the flavor we are matters. It doesn’t. Its not really more important than the clothes that we wear, sure some people will tell us or think that they are sometimes in appropriate for xyz thing that we are doing, and there are differences in them – just like there are differences in the weather – some things are better than others for specific things. While I don’t necessarily feel that there are things humans are better at for the sake of their skin, I also don’t tend to feel that clothing is necessarily more appropriate for the task either. Swimsuits work just fine to shop in – gowns and dress attire are just fine for swimming – thankfully skin requires alot less effort to fix than clothing when you wear one that is less appropriate. I will say, I have always been jealous at black people ability to stand in the sun and burn much slower than me, and to indicate that they have been out too long, by the sweat sheen on their skin – black looks really nice wet even if it is sweat. I suppose maybe this is a racist thing to say, its not a judgement, more an observation. I also have been lucky to be not white enough to immediately burn with too long in the sun like the super pale, I get that warning of somewhat golden first. The hair is another area that I have felt jealous, although having talked to some of my friends, alot of the times, my jealousy is a bane for them. its the effort to which I should be jealous not the natural tendency. its only something I’m cognizant of more now because with the treatments I’m enduring, my hair is just a hot mess all of the time – but I am supposed to be super happy to have any at all – as most of these meds cause it to all fall out and leave me bald – which is an amusing thing, since my scalp IS super pale and greater risk of turning red and developing bad things. Mainly with all this spider webbing – my point is one of my dreams showed me when some of my more advanced not so hidden things developed that I have been working past since that point. I wasn’t born with discernment about humans based upon skin, this was something I learned thru personal negative experiences. I’ve been working to get back to that state of lack of discernment, because I feel its just healthier to remember that humans are humans. They are to be loved, helped, appreciated, blessed, and above all happy. Skin color, eye color, hair color, size, sexual orientation – all the features that some humans incorrectly use to separate and discern or judge based upon are just short sighted and often incorrect. The doing of it seems to be to always be incorrect, because likely its a human failing not specifically based upon any of those factors anyway.

And damn spell check on this word press is getting super annoying – it used to “stay” the whole time you blogged, but now it goes away super fast, its become a “new game” with blogging – I see that X word is wrong – I’m a horrible horrible speller – its not really lazy I just spell phonetically and words are often not spell that way or they are spelled with a deviation of phonetics. But now, the game is “can I fix the word before the option to fix it poofs” and then I have to play the game of put my cursor on the word, and type a bunch of things with one hand so that the option will come back to fix it and then try and click it in time. ….. So a line of absolute gibberish ever shows up here, its probably because of that 🙂 well, and my super lazy editing of not proof reading before I publish – mia culpa.

Today I had acupuncture, which I have been severely missing – I feel this will help me handle the treatment so so much better. It somehow just helps all my body to send the medicine to the correct places, and flush out any excess so much better than my body is capable of alone. So maybe it will get the rest of Rogers family out of my system faster too. Plus I really like my acupuncturist, and I’ve missed getting to interact with her in person – she has done a few healing treatments remotely for me – She is really quite good at sound / Reiki healing – but her acupuncture is the best hands down – https://austincanceracupuncture.com/austin-breast-cancer-treatment/

It was great to see her, and to work with her thru my treatment, it brought up alot of the “tired” I had expected from the chemo treatment yesterday – I feel this is a very good sign – it also helped with alot of the areas that Rogers family (Luperone) has been causing me difficulties.

At the doctor visit yesterday – I pointed out two new spots of concern – one on my left arm, and one in the fake belly button to my doctor – and being as how she is an Oncologist, she immediately was concerned it was more cancer, or progression. This is not at all what I feel, but to satiate her fear/concerns, and to get on to other things, she ordered some tests for checks. I’m not quite ready to have these tests yet, so we will see how it goes when they finally call me to schedule – I suspect this will be late next week, so maybe tests in a couple weeks after, and maybe visit with her after that – maybe the spots will be all healed before the tests- so there will be – as I suspect “nothing to see here”

I do have an MRI planned for late June early July – before the next neurology appt, its not scheduled yet, but soon – so alot of things are “soon” for June 🙂

Its been an interesting year, and this is almost to the halfway point. The nice thing, I feel very strongly that we are at the top of the mountain, and it will get better, we will get to the comfortable stream and forest soon.

I feel like I’ve typed alot, but I also don’t feel like I’ve said much. I’m trying to work to be authentic, and to share whats on my mind. There are so many things on my mind, so many babies coming this year. I heard yesterday that my favorite nurse at the chemo place is pregnant, and her husband got a new job in Houston, so this will be the last time working with her for treatments. I feel everytime I pick a “favorite nurse” they just don’t stick. This is atleast the fifth favorite I’ve had in the 4+ years there. All have moved into better positions that offered them happier and great advancement opportunities, so I have nothing but happiness for these, but it is a little funny to me that I have to meet a new one if treatments are to continue. We will see how I do this time, and what tests show and how things progress.

Can you paint with all the colors of the wind? Pocahontas

Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nn2LTCs8KII

Lyrics: https://www.google.com/search?q=lyrics+pocahontas+colors+of+the+wind&rlz=1C1CHBF_enUS794US794&sxsrf=ALeKk035EhE3paQi1EnI8i2yPmnFf0_ZsA:1591376754486&source=lnms&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwiStZ6xlOvpAhVKI6wKHTs6C7IQ_AUICSgA&biw=2048&bih=1063&dpr=1.25

There is a song – by Crazy Town : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6FEDrU85FLE called “Butterfly” – its a little dirty, and its always been one of those songs for me super empowering, super fun.

Today was a crazy town day. Apparently my chemo got “relabed” in the system where my cancer treatment is done, and this meant they were triggered for “insurance not having approved it” — after months of me getting it and insurance paying for it…. So yeah, they called me yesterday to let me know I might not be getting chemo today…. they were asking if I wanted to reschedule my dr appt, and labs? yes, second time for labs this week.

Crazy town crazy times – they did labs on Monday but apparently it wasn’t “all the labs” they needed. Long story short, unsurprisingly they DID do labs today, and equally unsurprisingly they DID figure out the admin issue to get my chemo relabled and showing approved so they could actually administer drugs today.

I don’t know how I feel about this, I was pretty okay with the idea of not getting it – the idea of a vacation from it seemed pretty swell – yes I said swell, I’m trying to focus on that time period, because from a historical perspective, it seems somewhat strikingly parallel to our time now. They survived, thrived, and brought about new interesting things.

Sufficed to say, I got treatment today, which means I also got all the “good premed” drugs too – so I’m feeling super tired, but also super “swell” right now… Life is good.

Came across two interesting realizations for ME personally about sometimes lemons are lemonade.

1- This month is the start of year 5 of fighting cancer. I feel this is the year that Cancer gives up and lets me win the fight to go on and harass something or somewhere else. Its a long time, and I’m tired, but I also feel strong. I will keep fighting for as long as it takes to win. Some games/challenges are worth the cost.

2- This social distancing, has afforded me the personal luxury of having P work from home until likely atleast Sept – which means I have been fighting during this difficult and challenging time, but I’m not alone. I have had him within ear range, its a comfort and a blessing.

Speaking of lemonade – I found a really cool lemonade with lemons and matcha tea, super easy to make, super tasty and just feels good. Its quite satisfying. Have been doing some of my other kitchen cooking things, soup, chai, chia pudding, all the yummy things that are healthy for me that take a little time and a little effort but produce yummy health results. Now I just have to get in line with making the frozen part of my green drinks, got the recipe from A and got the ingredients, hopefully over the next few days I’ll get a little umpf of motivation to do the cleaning/chopping and separation to get these new ones frozen. Its pretty tasty, and its really not that much effort just a few more “spoons” than I have right now.

Have been finding extra sleep is helpful for rejuvenation – there are a couple of new things we are monitoring, and the doctor has asked me to get new scans, so we can see how the chemo is working, hopefully they will get scheduled soon, she is trying to get them before next week.

Today Starbuck was feeling especially playful – he is trying to help me build back some trust bridges, he even played fetch today for about 20 minutes, crazy times.

Here is hoping that the balance of things will shift to the positive happy side soon for everyone. I did get to fill a bit more on my hug quotient today – thank you for souls willing to give out hugs in this time and space – I know its a scary time – but I also know they have proven the scientific value of hugs for living better and longer. https://www.healthline.com/health/hugging-benefits#5

More hugs all around. Sharing blessing and happiness with the world, to try and heal and soothe the many forms of things that are hurting people these days. Wishing everyone, including myself safe, healthy, happy days.

Sadness. Its one of the emotions I have not had space for in my life. Its one that my coping mechanism has always been – bury this or just set it aside, and feel like its released. I have not “dealt” with this emotion in my life. That is not to say I haven’t been exposed – many many times. Its just, when I was young, and I was crying – well I have a couple memories of this to be fair, but the one that seems appropriate is the one where my grandmother, explained to me that my sadness was just short sighted.

The sadness was over the fact that I was trying to control a situation and she explained that it was silly to be sad. I took this, she told me to cry, clean up and then come back out. I took this. I filed it, built pathways, and this has just always been my way of dealing with sadness. Have a personal cry alone, clean up and move on. The sadness is not gone, or dealt with, its just I’m not allowed to feel it.

I’ve come to realize that this is not the healthiest coping mechanism.

I’ve watched other people wallow – its very easy to judge others for needing more time, when you haven’t been taking the necessary time?

What is the necessary time to wallow? To feel “sad” – I don’t know these things.

Talking to my therapist today, she didn’t have an answer either. I’ve watched people I love – still years and years later still able to recall the sadness of a situation – this isn’t something I’m very easily if at all able to do. Somehow this feels a little broken. The strength has always been nice, the ability to talk and share and help someone else when they are feeling sad – has always felt nice. But maybe its not the healthiest thing. Maybe having time to embrace that sadness is a good thing.

The universe has decided maybe its time for me to have or develop a better mechanism for dealing with this emotion.

Depression is one of the scariest, deadliest things for people in my condition – dealing with the big C – science has proven that being depressed shortens your lifespan by 25% regardless of conditions but its easier for them to research this with patients that are always sick. Depression isn’t something I’ve ever been overly concerned with, because I just don’t hold onto or experience the sadness that leads to it.

But now, with these things, that are just making me truly sad, having nothing to do with my condition – just things that are so external to me, just bringing me to a pulse of tears, its easily understandable why people get depressed, and how they fall down this rabbit hole. I can see the rabbit hole right now – and I feel so ironic about this – I feel like the universe wants me to be able to have new tools for experiencing sadness, for truly understanding it – and that its going to keep pushing me into situations until I have a method for embracing this sadness and using IT to get stronger, instead of using my strength to move past it without owning it.

I feel like owning sadness has some benefit. I’m not sure I understand it, but much the way that traveling the world has benefit for educating you on other lives, other experiences, other highs and lows, sadness is something that has benefit – how can you truly help someone that is in the midst of it, without having embraced your own experiences of sadness.

I feel this is a learning time for me, and the harder I try and avoid or follow along my learned coping mechanisms – the more I’ll be afforded opportunities to be more sad. So I’m working hard to embrace these situations I have of sadness, but how long is enough? What am I to learn from these? How do I avoid them pushing me down this rabbit hole? I mean my old coping mechanism could just show me the good, the bright side, the learning from the experience – how do I embrace the loss? without minimizing it, and still seeing and loving the bright side. There is always a bright side. Life is a balance. The sadness is valid, the brightside is valid. Sadness is there, and needed, but its not forever, its not to be held on or overvalued. Its there to help make the happy taste better, to be better. Maybe learning this balance, will help me experience happy stronger.

I’m trying to grow. My little starbuck and I are still trying to redevelop trust. I’m just sad when I look at him, and remember all the times as a pup that I held him and loved him so unconditionally, I’m trying not to be so sad about the incident, and to see the good of it, and to understand that it was just an accident, to try not to flinch when he comes to me. It isn’t the same as it was. I have been bitten by other dogs before, this wasn’t the first. Starbuck as nipped at me unsuccessfully before. I think part of why its so sad, is that we were both mostly sleepy, and so he bit harder, more aggressively, and I was not fast, and my skin is so thin – so it was worse than it would have been given other conditions. Its not the end of the world, but my trust is just not there – he knows it, I know it. We are trying to rebuild that, and I’m trying to embrace this sad, but its not easy.

Today he came and sat on my lap and gave me a hug. It felt good, its been a few days before I let him do that. I need him – especially in this hug deficit. He was one of the unconditional ones that I still need strongly. So this sadness needs to be fixed, but it also needs to teach me. To allow me to embrace this sadness, to learn and evolve and understand it.

I don’t know how long sadness is supposed to last, I don’t know how long is enough. Given that time is an illusion, I guess its forever and never. So its not about how long as about, how long for me.

No more burying or holding on to sadness, time to let it go – thanks Elsa.

Or rather, in other parts of this life time. I was an avid attender of a particular church – and we had this incredible presentation – show from the performance group “The continental singers” – it was Joseph and the technicolor coat – or just “dreamer” – it was many many years ago – but its one of the first albums that I memorized the lyrics. One of my favorite singers at the time at the church performed this song. And the lyrics have stuck with me thruout.

“When god closes a door, he opens a window” – Song here, it has a bit of preamble but its really beautiful over all: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=slEheK0cfOg

Suffice to say, during the entirety of my life it has often provided comfort to me. Just the knowing that no matter how much I feel frustrated or sad about conditions or the way things seem to be progressing, I have faith that they will evolve, and that I have visibility to see them as they progress – not to mention that if I ever feel trapped, a window is normally large enough to escape where I am.

I’m not really a person inclined to depression. I know its a real thing, and I know that in my particular case its – well science has proven that depression shortens lives. Its not a condition I would ever chose to get stuck in, and my heart and strength goes out to those that don’t have the ability to remove themselves from depression.

Depression is not the same as sadness. This week, has been just overflowing with sadness. With people forgetting they are human, and share time and space with other humans. With strange things, that have just caused me to tear up over small things. Things mostly beyond my control, but my heart feeling like there should be some way I can help, someway I can shake things and show people the beauty, the love, the hope.

We all make mistakes. Whether it be me, in telling P “sure that shelf will hold this stuff, it looks plenty stable” – and being wrong – oh so wrong. The shelf could NOT hold the things, it fell, and took a good bit of the wall with it – it damaged a few of the things we placed on it – and thoroughly broke two pretty solid totes. This was my mistake.

I don’t think larger mistakes are any less good or bad than little mistakes. Mistakes, are just that mistakes. They are however slightly different from choices. Choices are where we select to continue an action that is hurtful to someone else, something else, to a condition. I’m not free of having done this, although I would say I tend to think about ramifications of my choices way too much.

Sometimes choices aren’t something we are aware of consciously – there was an episode of Star Trek once, where they visited this rural earth based planet with this species of energy sprite beings, and the “old one” explained to the visitors “Sometimes the very young do not do what they are told” – as he was explaining to the visitors that they needed to leave – they being the “very young” – – I think many on our planet are these same “very young” – I don’t know honestly that I am not. I am certain there are people and energy beings that are older and wiser than me – older and wiser not always going hand in hand together. Just because someone is older – doesn’t make them wiser, and the reverse – someone can be very young and still be wise.

I feel alot of the bombardment of sadness right now, is because of very young not doing what they were told. The impacts of this is a cause for great sadness. When its someone we feel “should” have known better, its very easy to judge, and to group up everyone as “in this category” but it doesn’t necessarily make it any more correct. The mistake is still the mistake, and while one person doing a mistake is not a guarantee others will not make the same mistake, its also not a promise they will.

One person can stand next to another – one can end up sick the other can be healthy with no concerns. We are all unique snowflakes, and while we share many things the same, we have more differences than there are stars in the sky.

Supporting the positive will always have more lasting effect than the reverse of lingering on the negative or lingering in the sad. But I have to say, I’m being challenged on this right now. The sad – I feel as though I’ve moved a little too deep in the ocean, and I’m treading water, and the waves of sad keep threatening to overtake me. But I can see the shore, and I know if I stay calm, remember I am loved, remember I love the ocean, I love all of the life – that eventually the ocean will take me back to the shore. Breath, and relax.

My love and heartfelt warmth and light to all those struggling like me with this sadness. While its easier to stay in the sadness, to spread the sadness, to lament and share the sadness. The hope, the love, the gratitude for where we are, what we have, and knowing that the window is there, and this too will pass, and the mistakes of yesterday will not always define who we are now or tomorrow. We learn, we evolve, and we improve. I am grateful for the love, I am grateful for life. I embrace this sadness, and I release it.