This has always been something, I’ve not only been good at, its something I’ve often felt that I was well strong suited for – the ability to take a plethora of things, and min/max them to what is most, and shuffling down importance scale – but there is more to this…

There is not just prioritizing but defining by priority – or rather, pondering and labeling something by its nature of when it must be done, and then incorporating it into the big priority list.

Thank god this is a skill I intimately understand – because right now, it allows me to see where I am and where I am going and move either continue to move along that path, or to slightly alter my surroundings, or method to facilitate a different course.

Right now, however, I’m having a struggle. Weather conditions are so so unpredictable as to make it difficult for my head and sinus. Its also that time of the year when all the trees, pollens, and molds try to bless us with their annual goodness. This makes for alot of discomfort for my head and sinus’s — this coupled with the medicines I’m taking, and the side effects they produce — as well as the Big C itself, and the damage from other treatments, as well as the “just me” in the particular day —- It has put my multitasking/prioritizing skill to the test for a few months, and I’m just tired.

I’m not a pop pill person – I’m actually quite the antithesis of this, having had my experience with the dangers of pills in the 20s — and the damage its quite capable of doing even to a 20 year old liver. I have avoided- much to my detriment – many of the “things” they have suggested to allow me to “feel better” because I know they come with a cost.

However, this all being said – I’m to the point where I’m ready to just put something in my mouth to help my head feel better…. the work of trying to determine the cause of the discomfort, and figure out what helps more than hurts my body is very tiring. The discomfort is very tiring, the prioritizing and multitasking is very tiring.

I don’t enjoy the unknown of trying to figure out if its a “thing” or if its a “thing” …. I just want to function, and to be able to have a higher quality of life. — This discomfort is greatly impacting my quality of life.

There are new tests – the end of April that will show “whats what” … and maybe this will help. Maybe I’ll just pick up a habit lol – I am very routine oriented so maybe this is what my mind needs to calm down.

Was dreaming about trips last night, and thinking about the fact that my grandparents – mostly having talked to my grandmother – they didn’t take very many out of town in my meaningful childhood or adult life – all of their time was doing “escapes” within town – driving to little places to enjoy the marrow of life. I recognize this feeling -but there is still a part of me unresolved to the idea of not getting a plane again and not flying thousands of miles away to enjoy some mystic anomaly of a different world.

Maybe conditions will shift for the better soon, and this will be a thing.

We can hope.

Life is good.

This expression has so many meanings for me, as a woman – woah man….

Lately, or right now specifically its indicitive of the same thing I’ve been considering recently – tech does NOT really often save us time. Today, perfect example….. we had “brown outs” …. meaning surges – just enough of a power surge to “break” the internet. Not turn things off, just break the internet – must be time to replace the router right?

About the time it would come back up — oh its time for another flash…. We have battery back ups ? Why is this happening? How is this even possible – oh wait Tech to support the tech from the electrical pulse…. hrmmmm — Oh wait, we didn’t have the “cable modem router” on back up….

Well we fixed that –0- but wait there is more! Time for cable people to be “fixing” something in our neighborhood and take everything out.

Yeah okay so what part of the tech is making my life so much easier?

I know I’m making a hasty generalization from the perspective of angst – I’m willing to own this …. but its kinda like the conversation P and I had recently about these wonderful “appliances” ….

The dishwasher for example — if you have to prewash the dishes — and then wash them, as well as load and unload them …. and dry them…. where exactly do you save time? Where do you save money too, because these things take alot of water and power to run. If it can’t do its “one job” of cleaning my dishes – its time to go buddy. You had one job.

We have talked a bit lately about the generational difference between folks – since many of the people P is working with now are “the new generation” …. this isn’t a judgement as good or bad, just a observational statement of the obvious.

He was explaining how to test a thing, how to dig in and go backwards to find the problem – rather than identifying a problem and throwing it over the fence, hoping someone else will fix it.

There is no one else to do your job. You have a purpose on this planet, there is a reason you are here, to love life – and even in these monetary driven times there is a purpose your being paid for, doing it to the best of your abilities is soul feeding. We need things to feed the soul more, it gets hungry.

I made a new playlist – somehow digging into holes I haven’t visited in a bit, helps me realize I’m still at the top, and still strong enough to dig.

Life is good.

So I’m starting with the breakfast of champions – not in the world, but with the adage – breakfast has always been a winner pure and simple for me, when dinner or lunch or snacks have let me down, breakfast has risen to the champion and many foods try to reign supreme.

Its like “iron stomach” vs “iron chef” – which taste will win today.

I guess since I’ve fallen for the “breakfast of champions” I have to give a kudos to the marketing people who created a life long winning strategy – if it didn’t sell breakfast cereal it did manage to wiggle a place into my brain and honestly likely my heart, because Breakfast IS a champion.

We are having a difficulty with the stores we shop at being all out of Organic dairy products – specifically half and half which I use for my coffee – the non organic has something quite unsettling and due to conditions right now, there aren’t alot of options without sugar that taste “good” non dairy – West Soy is one of the few, but then thats one of those battles of the hatfields vs the mccoys whether soy is “good for me or not” … .Plus honestly, I get tired of it.

I’m wondering — did the organic dairy cows suddenly suffer because of the pandemic? Or did their food become too scarce? Or maybe they didn’t receive government free money? Just a little curious about this, its been a scarcity for a bit, but now its just an empty cabinet at the store.

I suppose its me learning to temper my curiosity that has prevented me from jumping head first down this rabbit hole of research – have so many rabbit holes going right now, its starting to look like the front yard of Rabbit – when all the other animals ate up his farm. (go go winnie the pooh reference)

New oncologist is going to try and …. be crafty – and …. get me to do scans earlier, so that they become earlier and earlier…. she has a plan for this, I can giggle about it – because I like her, she is like me…. we will just nudge, nudge, nudge – eventually we will persist and our way will be the boss. Not so in this case, I have a plan that has stood the test of my time with this and its going to continue – The end of the month is when she can have her lb of flesh – I suppose thats a bit harsh, “new scans”

I’m feeling a bit more feisty today than usual – we will chalk it up to really looking forward to talking to my psychologist, there are a few things I need to toss around a few thousand ways with her listening to see if anything sticks – there are some things I’m just not able to see a perspective on that are nagging at me.

It also doesn’t help that its cycle time and eye time is back, not as bad as before, slightly different but still after the vimpat – good news have the neurologist Thursday.

So many days, so many doctors. Not complaining but its pretty amusing to me when I get so so excited about a “day off” — Wed this week is my “day off” …. its not really a day off, because I suppose in my current “working on xyz” thing a day off would be death – but thats too morbid to give thought to … so we will call it a vacation from all the hard work I’ve been putting in…. Here is hoping the next scans, when I finally get them scheduled and taken are showing even better result than the last.

Here is hoping that talking thru a few things helps me clear my thoughts enough to have a bit more peace about them.

Here is hoping I have an amazing day – since I started with an amazing breakfast 🙂

Life is good.

New “things” – not just the material ones, but the ideas and the hopes, and the dreams – “things” in the ethereal sense meaning above and beyond as well as here and below. — I’m super glad to be able to have “new things”….. Today this manifest as an itching idea for breakfast.

We will see in a bit how it turns out – I sliced the onion and am cooking the bacon on top of it – might be just not feasible, but it could be amazing – we will see in another 20 minutes when it finishes.

These are the things that put a bounce into my getting out of bed. There is alot to be grateful for — So many people I adore in my life – but these new things – they are the spice. They kick my life up a notch – and I am so so thankful to be able to be inspired to get them.

Started back supplements today! Yeah team! – I have to stop them before and right after the chemo – its not so much that I “have to” so much as – probably a smarter/better choice. Yes, lets let the toxic chemicals do all their responsibility before we flush them out of our body forever. Seems legit.

Was presented, yesterday, with two opportunities to “not multitask” – and I failed. I “tried” … and was literally very unsuccessful, as well as making myself extremely exhausted to the point of naptime – and frustrated at my inability – these are poor choices. Its just challenging for me to remember that I need to be making smarter choices and just nip these rabbit holes of multitasking in the bud.

In hindsight, while I see pathways for the one, I’m still working on pathways for the other, so until I can see them to follow probably better to avoid them. It was one of those things that leading up to it I heard the “dum dum dum” music playing in my head and at the time I didn’t understand it – Hindsight is so thoughtful to place musical points in the score of life.

Speaking of music – had a very sad moment the other day – its still rattling around in my brain and I’m certain I’ve blogged already about it, so in the effort of not duplicating I’ll just put a pin in the fact that the 93 year old man that invented the cassette tape passed away. This is sad to me, because this was a revolution in something that now we take for granted almost – with the ability to have music portable — would the universe have moved us directly to digital if we had never invented cassettes? Its possible but I feel that the bread crumbs from this creative inspiration are what lead alot of other people to invent other things that pulled us thru this transition.

Babysteps are alot easier to take then giant leaps. When the right brothers were creating methods to fly – they weren’t trying to get to the moon or the stars, they were trying to see the landscape and move more quickly. Its a good thing their invention moved from one step to the next – It honestly feels like we skipped a few steps in this progression from personal transport to mass transport – and we are perhaps not as rich for passing by this path. Think of the jetsons and personal flying vehicles.

Its going to be a great day, even if the daylight savings time is still mucking with me for the lost hour – I guess it will be there to enjoy with my pumpkin pie in the fall.

Life is good.

Sometimes things make me sad. I’m not able to do the things I used to do, something about the sweet taste from before not being available – there is some quote about being so concerned about the dregs of wine that you neglect to notice the vibrancy of the new glass.

This seems to be a trend with me – not really a great one, but a common one – one I’m trying to learn how to embrace. Not just the not being able to do things, but the fact that it must be okay for this to be the case. There are so many things I get to do, just not the ones from before.

Its hard – I guess its like a porn star that retires – suddenly not known for “their body” anymore – now what are they known for?

I’m working to find my nitch – and I’d ideally like it to be something happy and positive not the big C — I want to be known for the optimism, the joy, the fun.

There are alot of things, in my head mulling around – not the least of which is that Instacarts was ? out of ginger? I mean… I’ve seen the store be “out” of a lot of things, particularly in the past year – but Ginger? Really? So odd.

LIfe is challenging me to embrace things from different angles. Some days I’m better at it than others.

Today is one of those feel sorry for myself days, because when I can’t give myself a “cookie” of emotion, the part of me that is little somehow enjoys throwing a pity part.

I have alot of friends that are not playing nice together. I’m used to being the peacemaker – but this isn’t a skill I’m able to utilize right now, so it just makes me … very very sad. Its something I’ve done, but can’t do anymore.

So many things to ponder, and contemplate and learn from – today is the hit the books day in life.

Life is good.

Had this thought this morning, about the pretenders song “I would walk 500 miles” and I was wondering, for someone I love how far would I walk? I mean 500 miles is roughly 10 miles a week – or over a mile a day.

Really, its not that far – it just seems far when you put it into calculation as the whole – thats a year of daily walking. The song is about him walking to show his love.

I’ve been learning over the past few years to better love myself – so would I walk 500 miles for me? To prove to myself that I’m worth it?

I mean I did walk the neighborhood until last years episodes – and seeing so many of the people outside not covered or protected and not really feeling safe out there. So I guess walking 500 miles for me is pretty good.

Getting or working on getting that activation energy, and I will say that walking – while its kinda counter intuitive, because it makes me so so tired in the moment – DOES grant that activation energy – its like my body surrenders and then it gets rewarded. Its kinda a cool thing and feeling after all, when its reflected in hindsight – that doesn’t make me excited about doing it however.

I remember how important I knew intuitively it was, to start walking as soon as I possible could in the hospital – and out – how it was critical to get my body in motion and to push to the limits of what I could absolutely do reasonable – I mean I wasn’t trying to do marathons, just do a couple laps around buildings where we were, or push up around the block.

Babysteps, but steps.

I had P get me an apple watch to help me monitor my steps – and I honestly think I fell off track when the thing started bruising my wrist. I had a blood clot form in the left wrist area because of the watch. This was kinda … well I feel this kinda derailed me alot. The watch is also not good at tracking movement if your not super aggressive with your movement. Like if your arms aren’t aggressively swinging it doesn’t recognize a “walk” until about 20 minutes into it when it suddenly says “Oh your walking? Should we track this?” — for a less than robustly physical fit person, this is horrible demoralizing. I mean its like when the friend comes to ask about helping you but your already done, and the help would have been GREAT but you found ways of making it happen even without it.

I suppose thats a good analogy -maybe it shouldn’t be demoralizing, because the walk still got done, even if it didn’t get tracked. It just is, because this is not a friend, but a tool that isn’t working as intended.

P and I have had alot of talks recently about how tech is NOT what its supposed to be….. It often causes alot of frustration in “trying to make it work as intended” for all the carefree moments it provides “sometimes” — its like “fast food” …. not really being fast when you consider transport time to and from and the health implications of eating it. But I digress.

I had this thought of trying to buckle down and set a target for hitting with the scale between now and my birthday – but its super aggressive, and I’m not certain I’m up for the pains/struggles of working towards a super aggressive target so diligently – maybe we do baby steps on this one too. Any progress is forward. I mean I guess I go forward regardless of the progress.

Doc yesterday was so so good – I’m very glad to have added her to my team – she had some research insights that she added to the “pot” of my healing that were great. Its very reenergizing towards the healing when the doctor is just as excited to her/see/progress it as you are….. Don’t misinterpret – the other doctors that have been part of my team were not negative, more just not individually motivated to help me get the job done. …. there is a difference between stepping out of my way and allowing me to heal – and helping lifting me up when I’m struggling and reminding me of the direction of up…… Yes sometimes, down feels like up and its easy to get confused when your in the middle – life doesn’t have the best markers for N, S, E, W – every direction is the same – those are individual and placed there to show you the direction YOU want to go.

Had some sad things this week – some things able to be interpreted as Sad easily/societally – but I can embrace and recognize them for the circle of what they are – so while they are sad to embrace and hold, they are showing the good things that come from out of the mire of progression.

There will be chai today – and I’m super excited, because I finished up the last one just a couple days ago, and my body has been craving having some fresh – not to mention the house loves the smell. Yeah team!

I am so so thankful for all of the team that supports me, and ensures that I’m doing okay that I have what I need, and reminds me of so many of the blessings in my life.

Life is good.

The song by Ed Sheeren – I see fire has been running heavily thru my head, its a different sort of metaphor than I usually use. Its a song he wrote for the the Smaug/LOTR thing a while back, and its very situational towards that movie/theme – it is about a dragon blowing red flames all thru the sky, burning up the sky and the landscape and killing everything in its wake.

For me, alot of the conditions in our world are like this, there is something coming thru and burning up everything we know, love, and expect to be there timelessly.

Its also a pretty good reflection of what I’m trying to do with the cells that have mutated into a cancer in my body. Being as how I’m a dragon (insert Alethia Insanity) the fire doesn’t hurt the good cells, just the bad ones. I see fire.

It brings to my mind that there is a striking parallel between these two things. Me and the virus. but I digress.

Today is chemo. They are going to give me a potassium (banana bag is what they call it which just makes me amused) bag while I’m there today, as my potassium has been consistently low for over a year and I’ve been on supplements which are quite unpleasant to take.

The infection is debating about sprouting its ugly head once again, and I’m applying all the prayers and homeopathic remedies I know to the area and to my body over all – but its challenging to split focus from “remove/cure/heal cancer” to “oh and don’t forget to kick to the curb this bad bacterial infection that has come again” — Which one is coming to kill me today.

A thought occurred to me, well a message from my intuition to be fair of “I told you so” … back when I was originally diagnosed, they sent me to see a surgeon – this was to “schedule” my port being installed. I recall seeing him – he was the second doctor I saw about my cancer, and honestly the first one where we talked bluntly about my cancer, and my intuition screamed out at me cut it out cut it out and so I asked him, the surgeon. Is there some reason we can’t just remove this tumor? … I will forever remember his reply, because it has shaped my life since that moment. He replied that while he could, he wouldn’t recommend it, because it would disfigure me and make me in eligible for doing a reconstruction, and its just not something he would in good conscious recommend to any of the woman in his life, his wife or daughter.

I remember this conversation vividly, because I went with his “conscience” not my “intuition” and it has made all the difference. I’ve since learned that probably the biopsy spread the cancer around, its what happens when you stick a sharp object inside a cluster of something solid – it breaks off pieces, and leaves an opening for more to leave. I’ve since learned that all the chemos I’ve had over the years (5+ at this point), the radiation, the testing, the surgeries (x7) multiple are all a direct and explicit result of this choice.

There are many many good things that have come from this experience, and I am not minimizing at all the positive learning, loving, living that I’ve gained. That being said, intuition is king.

So I’ve learned, to think and embrace the fact that the chemo is like fire, and its burning thru all of the bad things to stop the cancer from spreading, and my goal/job as a dragon is to embrace this fire, and to help it do its job.

I see fire.

So I’m enjoying some coffee, having a bit of water, and I’ll be off soon for my monthly treatment of fire to help me on my goals.

My life is filled with people, things, and experiences that are incredible. They have things to share with me, things to help me learn, and things that fill up my cup of blessings on the daily. This treatment is no exception, the doctors, nurses, and staff I’ll see today will make the whole experience “fun” …. in a very unusual Alethia Insanity sort of way, but then I’m Alethia and I’m the only one.

That is not to say I dislike cake – cake has its place, particularly when its fried in a pan – but I digress.

I’ve often used pie as an analogy for life – the part of the pie we understand, the part of the pie beyond us, and the part of the pie that other people bless us with their knowledge.

I like pie. I mean literally I love pumpkin pie, but I’m also pretty fond of most fruit pies, and pretty much “pie” – because its bread and filling whats not to love – its like a non-hispanic version of empanadas. Which I personally find genius – from the perspective that they figured out to make a pie portable without wrapping it up – its self contained. All the love, none of the wrappings and mess – well different sort of mess.

Today is the day before chemo. Always pretty pensive on this day – this time is no exception. Many thoughts are all singing to be at the forefront of my head. I’m having to remind them “slow down, life is to be savoured”

Last night, I had many dreams about taking trips to all the places in the world I really really want to see. Microsoft graced me this morning with – well a picture of one of the places that has been on my list but is more than a little problematic; it has one of the largest buddhist temples in the world. Its not exactly for the temple that I wish to travel to Indonisia, but its many reasons – mostly to be surrounded by the people that live near all these amazing temples all the time. I want them to share their pie with me.

Had the weirdest thing happen – my french press broke. The glass on the container broke – a large pie shapped chunk broke off making the vessel dangerous and not usable. Of course, I discovered this after I’d pooled my activation energy to brew my morning coffee – its an especially low energy day. Anyone who knows me …. will understand the sheer travesty of this – its not as if I don’t have caffeinated alternatives, its more that coffee is my passion and my goto beverage of chose. It helps me feel awake, alive, and part of the community that is the whole of our world.

P in his infinite wisdom (this is still after so many years of marriage a blissful surprise to me when I stumble across one of these nuggets of wisdom) had a spare. Coffee,morning, generally my pie – was saved by his grace and forethought. Coffee was had by all.

Today I’m using my laptop to write this – its something I haven’t really done since my last trip – its such a great devise and one I’ve enjoyed having for so many years – I had forgotten the amazing music I have on this machine – so its also tickle my ears day – because I found some old mixes by one of of my favorite artists – they are techno that is over an hour long (concerts really) – its music I use when traveling because its soothing and focusing at once.

Now if Starbuck will just be content we will all be super good. Coffee in hand, music in head and a day filled with amazing surprises to enjoy.

Maybe Indonesia will come another day if I can figure out how to overcome the challenges of traveling as a woman to a country that is less safe for my sex.

Life is good.

So I promise, mental trips were what woke me at 5:30 am this morning. I was traveling, traveling, traveling….. I visited my great aunt in Oregon, I visited cousins, I visited Mount Rushmore. I went back to India, I went to China and saw so many things….. all in my dreams, but it was so so busy. I traveled thru customs and so many airports. I traveled on planes, on trains in europe, on bus….. overall it was a crazy night, and excessively busy.

When I woke, wide awake – I figured I’d get some things done for realz, since all the dream things felt pretty great but man so so tiring. Need my physical body to be as tired as my mental body.

I have tried lately to NOT do so much of this traveling, but I feel it was because I went to bed with traveling on the brain. Part of me wants badly to take a trip right now – but part of me doesn’t feel its safe yet; soon, but not now. People gotta keep their cooties to themselves, and I need to keep my cooties to myself.

Today we take Starbuck to the groomers – this is a thing we have been doing every other month for a few years now – He loves and hates it. He loves being clean, but he is scared of the trip, and he gets so sad when I leave him…. he doesn’t whine or bark but you can tell he is nervous about the whole experience. It will be nice to have him looking so fresh soon though, his fur just looks a little scruffy since the blizzard.

I am feeling more and more this is a time to embrace the chaos and find peace and joy in so many things being crazy. Its a lesson for me to remember that its a choice to be stressed, or to be grateful. Its a choice to feel frustrated or take it as a challenge; remembering we are all humans and that the things I’m seeing as detrimental might just be some other human finding bliss.

This is often times harder than it should be.

Today is my therapist, I’ve alot and nothing to talk about – we will see how it goes. There have been so so many things, little and huge in the past week – every week really. Its amazing to me how much happens each week – how much I’ve put into boxes. … Makes me think of the theme song to the show “weeds” — “little boxes on the hill side” … I know their little boxes is houses, but it seems appropriate here, I’ve also found it amusing that the show is called “weeds” both from the perspective of escaping and things to be plucked. Too many thoughts.

Gotta keep remembering the joyful things, and the blessings. So so many blessings in my life. D is graduating from college; finishing her degree after so long, and I’m so grateful and blessed to be able to be here and enjoy it with her. She is and always has been a bright joy, and shining star in my life; her aptitude for growth is amazing; and I’ve watched her climb this never ending learning staircase for her entire life. She is amazing.

Life is good.

Okay so I know the lyrics are off, but its an amusing thing to me – and today is in need of more amusement.

There is this thing about tact being something lacking in our society.

One of the things I’ve found for myself, is that frequently I don’t act at all because it seems “more” tactful to fail to act, then to act in error. But I think thats more from conditions where I grew up than anything else.

I’ve found today in particular that alot of people don’t come equiped with this filter. They just throw it out there and whether they don ‘t have tact, or whether they don’t care at the offense, it is all good for them. This is a skill the “all good for them skill” that I’m trying to … well gain an appreciation for……

My life, has often – most often to be fair – been focused on whats good for everyone involved, myself second or last, depending upon the conditions.

There is a book I’ve seen recently called “leaders eat last” …. and I think, that perhaps its partially my leadership skills that have forced my focus on these things. On whats best for all – not on whats best for myself.

Not so much selfishness, more self focusedness. I’m learning to embrace my inner self focused self, and not chide myself as being selfish.

The universe is perpetually providing me opportunities to practice/master this skill. I’m very bad at it. Focusing on the “good of all” or the “good of the group” seems much much more natural. It isn’t that I’m incapable of being self focused, its just that it feels bad.

Somethings, I’ve been able to be self focused on in my life. They are things where I do not perceive any possible negative ramifications for anyone else in my life by being self focused. But at this point, its not about the possible ramifications for other people, its about the positive ramifications for me; and while I don’t quite feel free to disregard other people, I do feel alot more unencumbered by the need or desire to placate or please everyone.

Growing is a little uncomfortable and this is definitely one of those areas, its kinda like growing an extra limb of “be selfish, be selfish”

Watching other people with what seems like their best of intentions for themselves do things that are just insanely amusing to me at their ridiculousness is a good reminder that its “okay” to be human and to put myself first.

Many thanks to the universe for so many incredible people that are NOT selfish in my life to share this crazy rollercoaster.

Life is good.