This is going to be another one of those carousel blogs, where I go around, and come back around. — that word Carousel always makes me think of disney with the Carousel of Progress — loved that ride, and so many of the things they had on the last scene in the 90s are now actuality. – Go figure, if you can dream it you can do it.
So Prayer and I are intimate buddies. We always have been, the entirety of my life. I’ve come to learn in the past few years, that the garden of my life may perhaps have been more fragrant for me, if we had been closer the entirety rather than just close pals – and more like we are today, frequent intimates.
In my prayers, or meditations today, I asked Spirit, about a topic that has been coming up for me pretty frequently lately that I’m struggling with….
P and I were talking last night, when I was on a call with D&Mom- we somehow – as we frequently do – gotten around to food and or weight. P’s latest running joke is — Have you mastered the “Covid15” yet – like the freshman 15 from college —there is an interesting spiderweb here perhaps for another blog about the parallels between COV15/Freshman15 – illuminating alot of parallels between this year, and the freshman year of college… both a bit more than a little unpleasant, but a step on the journey to knowledge/enlightenment. — Covid is apparently making “many” of us gain weight, due to the extra time with our friend, the kitchen. The discussion was rather light as they typically are – the best part about my family is that we laugh and love alot and frequently. Even over our own personal struggles. The “15” is closer to 30 for me from the beginning of the year…. Now I’ll be the first to admit this year has been one full FULL FULL of curve balls – Please pitcher, just shoot me a straight one so I can knock it out of the ball park…. please don’t try and walk me again, I’m not “really” a ringer…. I digress – this is something I’ve been struggling with….
Hugs, Prayer, Eating — these are somewhat a mantra for my life – and this is another something for its blog – but when one of these is lower… the others seem to raise up to pick up the fall – my equilateral triangle of “health” becomes more obtuse. This has lately been occuring.
Funny note. Music is always something that its easy to say, believe and understand that it is a guiding force for spirits, hope, love and life for humanity. Whether we use it for storytelling, for lamenting, for healing, or just in general to get our bodies moving and in harmony with life, nature, and everything after…. Musicians are some of the most powerful spiritualists in life. They are artists that have learned to tap into that inner part where emotions lay, grabbed out some raw and sliced, diced, and cooked them up for us into bits, that we can consume, and can feed, sustain and overall teach us about life, ourselves, and pretty much everything. One of the most gifted one of these – I’m tempted to call him a sorcerer or a wizard but both of those have such powerfully negative connotations for some folks, its probably easier for me to call him a Prophet. One of the most gifted prophets in this artistic musical populous — is Weird Al — not only does he share that gift, of being able to tap into the inner parts, but he is capable of seeing the fruits of another artists music, and without harming the original at all, able to mold and fashion it into something else entirely – generally super humorous (laughter is always the best medicine) while still retaining the soul intention of both the original and the new form. He is like a car detailer or customizer – able to take something that is perfectly good on its own, or maybe missing some tiny tiny spark – and form it into something new, and amazing. — That being said, I’ve never really been a huge fan of his works – but I can see them for the inspired and incredibly talented art that they are…. and I do find myself giggling often at his turn of phrase. Can actually say that his gift of transformation is one I’ve been jealous of to the point of wishing to understand and master for decades. That being said, his latest work the “hamilton polka” stays the course on this one…. “https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oNEdEDbhTQw&feature=youtu.be” —- And this blog title, is inspired by my atleast small lyric attempt to turn the song from Hamilton “Aaron Burr” – where is lyric is “Say Less, Smile More”– into the “Eat less, pray more” — while its not quite the talents of Weird Al – its more the talents of “A Insanity”
So I’ve been struggling with this “how do I X with food, while still Y with food” — algebra has been no help with this – because while I’ve worked this equation out many times in my mind – sometimes logic gets stuck in the tree of emotional life. So I turned to my friend Prayer.
At first my prayers were like usual “help me xyz” — but lately, I’ve come to realize – when you ask for “help” — its nearly always given – but alot of times, its not recognized 🙂 — or rather, what we view as “help” and what is provided as “help” are not at all the same, so much that sometimes they are direct opposing opposites. —- Like an example heard recently of the “well meaning” adult counselor that told inadvertently an impressionable child to “give up their dreams” in the attempt to “help” them recognize reality…. “help” is so so personal and some S word that is not coming to me amidst the alphabet soup of yesterday’s chemo… How is it realistic to expect that god/God/spirit/whatever the divine source that is the focus of prayer…. that is scientifically made up of all the energy of the universe — how is “help” supposed to clarify and be limited to what “want” would more appropriately define. …. I digress.
I prayed. Have been for a couple months about this…. yes sometimes it takes me a bit to recognize that I have a problem that has become a speeding locomotive with no breaks…. So when I started to see that maybe the break line wasn’t just stuck…. maybe it was infact not attached at all…. I started to seek divine intervention — which did infact release me to not worry about it. I know how prayer works. You pray for something, you have faith, you have trust, you have hope – and you get what you need. — Need being the operative word.
So this morning, in my meditations, which is a little different and more distinctive than prayer – but happens usually around after or before depending upon my mood and the need at the time. I changed it up a little on this one…. I prayed, not just for help but for “how” – How do I fix this…. and in the infinite wisdom of the universe, the voice of the actor that plays Aaron burr – or rather sings it — Sang out in clear spirit voice in my head — “Eat less, pray more” — Everytime spirit answers me so directly and so succinctly it makes me laugh. Its a joyful laugh and a blessed laugh – it’s one of confirmation, and feeling my overwhelming connection to the universe reaffirmed for another day. So I’ll be taking this answer more than to heart, and using it as my mantra for a bit until the query is resolved.
Its worth mentioning – that the “reason” or immudious for feeling the need to change this prayer, came out of the chemo predoc appt yesterday. It seems I have have now, in my run away freight train manner, moved into the “second” bracket of weight for my chemo regimen. Further information – chemo dosage is administered by weight of the recipient; when I started this regime in January I was X — I crossed into Y a couple months back, but Doc and I agreed to keep at the lower dose, because well the goal wasn’t to stay at Y was to go back to X — and now I’m at Z – so Doc and I agreed to move to the dosage for Z — which effectively means while my weight has increased by %a – chemo also has increased by %a — the theory being that the more the weight the more your body can take, and more importantly the more you require to ensure its effective. — Same concept with all meds I suppose so probably a little redundant, but worth mentioning for the fact that I really really don’t like chemo…. and taking more is well, it just makes me sad — so I changed the “help” to “how” and that has made all the difference.
So so many small things on my healing that I’m having to pick up, examine, and reassemble in the tapestry of my life. Many fundamental things that seemed important are just not anymore. Many things I have found a home to tolerate, just don’t have that place anymore – those places being filled more with love and constructive things. I’m working on learning my boundaries, and learning to help develop them where they have not previously existed. Its all about learning.