Rambling thoughts of Life…

Had a weird dream last night…. It started with these suits, that were – well not unlike the stillsuits – a little less “recycling” oriented, because they were not designed for long term use, just for protection for short term things. They were high temperature protection for 1-2 hours.

In the dream, the temperature periodically got to high enough temperature outside to be seriously dangerous to humans, and these suits were worn by folks that had to do outside things. It was an unusual dream, because it seemed like “today” but it was not today, there were subtle things that told me it was sometime in the future. Like it was in my house, but the furnishings were slightly different; they felt like “my house” but it didn’t look like my house today.

When I woke I started thinking about these suits, and wondering if anyone has started to manufacture these – because it seems like the type of thing that might be useful / helpful even in the randomly high temperature that happen periodically in a few places. They were sort of like a triple lined suit, with a cooling material in the middle so as to keep the suit cool on the inside where the person was… and in my dream, an ac repair guy was wearing it while fixing our AC which had overheated.

Dunno sometimes dreams make me wonder about things. I know that global warming is a thing – have felt this since I was in high school. It does seem that the planet, much like my body, is more resilient than anticipated/believed. I remember everyone saying “its coming now…. Its coming now”…. for years. Its like the boy who cried wolf, so that those of us that truly believe have a hard time imagining it after so many “welp not really this time” things.

Humans – as far as I know I’m one of them, although somedays I do feel a bit alien when I see some of the crazy insanity like “no masks? Really?” – have this incredible ability to destroy. We burn thru and up resources like they are infinite, and there is kinda an argument for them being infinite – as energy is conserved, but just because “more milk exists” doesn’t mean that its in the fridge for us to access, or that the cow has been milked yet to provide it.

Alot of the things we enjoy, hell expect, are finite. Humans – well atleast our bodies, are finite. We exist in the form we are for a time – yes, fake time – for a time – and then we go back to the energy form. We are a resource too, but seems like we enjoy destroying other resources, almost I wonder if its part of our purpose.

Maybe god said “welp this planet is great, but it needs an end eventually” maybe his experiment was “I wonder if the Sun or the humans will kill it first” —- “an end eventually” – makes me think of the title of the last Star Trek next gen “all good things…” – such a great series, such a great ending. Also reminiscent of the Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy, and Dr. Who with the witnessing of the end of the universe.

I’m not sure if I believe in a true end to the universe, kinda I think I believe the universe is just one giant ball – much like time, and it just circles around in existence – seeming to expand and contract with various cosmic events, but only doing this via perspective.

Perspective is a powerful thing – its a frame of reference. Right now, my perspective on life often is unclear if I’m winning, or shoving the pull door with all my might. I reframe for myself often, to picture myself five years from now, stronger, healthier, busier (yes I still keep chastising myself for not doing enough… whatever that is…) more able to accomplish “things” — which I’m not certain what they are yet.

I feel like the blues brothers “I’m on a mission from god” — I just am not certain what that mission is yet….. I know when I have strength and capacity to handle it, clarity will be provided, and that I’m supposed to be “enjoying my rest” right now…. but thats hard. Resting has always been somewhat a love hate relationship. Sure I love it, but I equally hate it, for taking me down, breaking my stride and otherwise making my time — time that trickster again – feel less thoroughly utilized.

I’ve started walking every day again. I’m at day 12. I started with 20 minutes, at a super slow pace – because honestly it was all I could handle. I’m getting to a little faster, and a little longer, but gosh it seems so slow. I know its valuable, I know each step I take tells my body: “fight” “we got this” “move to live” — but it feels more like “can’t we rest now?” ” are we done yet?” “are we there yet?”

There was a Ted talk – although I think it was TedX that I watched, that showed me the best way to deal with this – two sentences to memorize to help me with this internal drama – “Are my thoughts useful?” and “how do my thoughts behave?” — and its an amazing thing to me, how quickly those thoughts — most of which are my inner child trying to find some “alternative game to be playing” – those two sentences, quiet things down and let me just keep going, and enjoying it helping my body and mind to move.

Interesting times to be living in, just interesting times.

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