Was throwing together some dinner, and I did this – I don’t know how I did it and I’m certain I could not replicate it if someone paid me. Was using a butter knife to slice a piece of Ezekiel bread that I had toasted and buttered, and the knife slipped, and flipped over my knuckle to fall on the floor. The size of the bruise is impressive. It’s one of those things where I go “wow I’m just glad it didn’t break anything or even break the skin.” P was watching from across the room and he was like, what was that? He could not believe I was not more hurt. Crazy things.

Today has been interesting, what I thought it was going to look like, is not at all what it looked like.

My uncles birthday is today – last year we were in Key West for his birthday – crazy that its been a whole year already. Just shows how my strength has not failed me. He shared a picture with me, just a crazy crazy thing.

I’ve kept some icepacks in my freezer for just these times. Yeah team!

Had a meeting earlier with one of the inspiring people from my workshop. It was supposed to be a 20 minute consult, we are both very verbose, so it ended up being closer to an hour and twenty. We had our time wires crossed a bit, she was expecting me to call about an hour before I was expecting to call, and I had gotten into the middle of things. She shared some of her inspirations and we talked back and forth about things that might help me, and her suggestions. It was a great talk.

I just love my meditation room. It works so great for so so many things. We are going to have another room like this, P has started dubbing it the museum room, I’m not sure thats precisely what it will be, but the vision we have seems to be together and somewhat on point, it will be a room where we can display many of his collectibles finally and allow him to feel they have space.

P and I were talking earlier, one of the places I’d like to visit next year, when I’m a little more recovered – well it came to me today, thanks Microsoft for sharing incredible pictures and making me learn about new places. This one was off the coast of the Netherlands. It was somewhat amusing to me when I started looking into it – P always says he isn’t a fan of travel because its just too much of a hassle, and I had to laugh because this place – really seems like kinda a hassle. The closest airport to this location is 62 miles away, and this place is on an island, that requires a ferry to get to…. so far away airport, and then somehow to get to the island, and then at the end of the trip back to the airport. The close airport is, well it is a small commuter airport, with flights to other airports close to the netherlands only. So it would effectively likely take 4-5 flights to even get to this airport. I’ve traveled some, but I have to ponder how much this place would be for me or not. Maybe I’ll just enjoy the pictures. I mean I know that Bali – the trip I really want to take will likely also be a hassle to travel to – but I’ve looked at that trip before and its more like 3ish flights to get there, and then transport to wherever we end up staying. Long story short, I’m itching for travel again – I think its the perspective of meeting new culture.

On a plus side, P has agreed to another trip to India! He has friends he would like to go visit – as do I – also I’d like to make more time for the amazing temples there. His agreeing means it will be a much more fun trip for me.

D has discussed some European places with me – but its also possible she might be down for Bali.

I’m also debating/planning the trip to SF with C and my buddy I – I want to walk across the Red bridge. I’ve crossed it 7 or 9 times but something about seeing the bridge has inspired me for that 3 mile walk. So best start working on strength.

We walked up to the mailbox today, its not my whole loop yet, but its a good start. Man was it tiring. My body feels like its gone on some long holiday and is not quite back yet. While I feel like I’m winning, its hard sometimes to not feel sad at my lost strength – good thing I have my tenacity to take up the gaps 🙂

I did some time on my rebounder today – I have to say this is one of the most fun exercise things, and so helpful with getting the blood flowing. Something about bouncing reminds me I’m a tigger – and THIS is what tiggers do best – bounce. I’ve gotten P to do this too, and the stagnant Lymph in his legs is so so much better.

Our relationship is so much better, and we are finally tackling some areas in our house that have needed it for X amount of time, that is way too long. X factors are strong with the two of us…. We are starting to clear them – Y? because we are getting to Z 🙂

In the latest saga of health things – my potassium has been going up and down like a Yoyo – it was 4.3 for a week, then dropped to 2.6 and now back up to 3.6 – who knows where the new number will be this week – with the holiday the check won’t be till Tuesday. Have not isolated the cause, but I have strong suspicions.

I have been truly blessed with so many prayers, and positive thoughts. It makes the days go so much easier, and helps me with all the little aches and body things. This is one of those times when I’m praying for prayers. I’m fighting, but there is no back up army waiting in the wings to pick up the slack, I have to keep pressing forward and hope for the best result.

I have found, that my cells really enjoy when I sing, the song doesn’t have to be to them, it can be just a happy song or a song that improves my mood all the way around. Its one of the only consistent things, other than medicating that I have found that kicks me out of Sympathetic aka Fight or flight mode. Something about Singing turns my cells into “we are safe, we are okay” mode and lets me relax. Medication is nice, but singing is also great.

We have had a couple incidents with Starbuck – he is super protective of me lately, and he has growled a couple times at P when he has moved to help me with things. Not sure how we adjust this behavior at this point, but we are working on it.

Was so nice to be able to get back to some of my treatments that help with Symptoms. I know it will take a couple of times to help me clear more of these woozy symptoms. Got to do Acupuncture, Chiro and massage. So many good feeling things, and I’m feeling a little better – have one more week to get stronger before next treatment. Intuition is telling me that it maybe time to stop the Hormone suppression medication (Luperone) while I feel it is helping, I also feel its reaching the point where the risk vs reward is not on the reward side. Trying to pray alot on this, to determine if we do one more of if we just put it on hold for now. The side effects it has been giving me this time are really pretty debilitating and slowing me down from moving. I am apparently one of the super rare people that gets pelvic pain from this medicine.

All in all, what I’m doing is working, I feel that the cancer is diminishing, and leaving my body – however I feel that things that make it harder for me to work the lymph system and the kidney system – aka pelvic pain – are probably not in my best interest. We shall see, more prayer and medication for clarity on this one.

Its funny feeling like an outlaw from the wild west wearing these masks everywhere. I somewhat giggle every time I put it on. I know its a safe thing, for me and for everyone else, but I still keep looking for my outlaw name. I mean P has the Dread Pirate Phillip – its what they call him at Starbucks, maybe I’ll be Lahnie of the Lakes – or some other appropriate banter name for my masked self.

Wishing Safety, Health and above all Happiness to all my friends, family and cohorts in this special time we call the Spanish Inquisition of 2020. Its still a decade of gratitude, so I’ll share my gratitude for isolation – its a good time to get all those artistic endeavors started, enjoyed and finished. A good time to learn new hobbies, or skills, or to just learn to enjoy oneself more. I’m grateful for these new experiences, and the information they have afforded. Even if my brain is like Dory – and I just keep swimming, just keep swimming. Apparently I took a movie off P’s list, but added another – he has not seen Moulin Rouge – so now we have Casablanca and Moulin Rouge to watch. Go figure, I’m certain there will be more as we discuss some of my favorites.

Good Night Jonboy.

So there is a part in the little engine that could – where the engine is working up this hill with the mantra “I think I can I think I can” — and then there is a part in alot of the fast and furious movies, with the engines reviving – and also happy days from way way back – where the multiple engines are going – and I hear that sound of the little engine – much like the Poop from south park going “Hiddey ho” – I think the poop is the same voice as the little engine or atleast it is in my head – that voice “I think I can” with all those reviving engines knowing they can – I’m like a combo of that voice, and those engines – its a race against myself – we are winning. We are going to win – its just there are alot of little battles along this path.

There is something ironic about my believing that the “Hiddey Ho” voice and the little engine that could “go” are the same – with the overall constipation I’m feeling – Come on team! Lets go, lets go!

I digress. Had my first massage since the incubation days in home exile. Also had my first Acupuncture treatment. Both were wonderful. Helpful for so many of the little things – little symptoms that have been bringing me down. 80’s song reference here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B4c_SkROzzo -Aint nothing gonna break my stride.

Water the spice of life – it always makes me think of Dune – Arakis water planet. In past moments in my life circa de cancer – I would remember, anytime one of these minor little “tifts” would show up in my body – that it was a signal for “hey drink more water” – I don’t know why this has shifted, now more than ever I NEED more water. The little “tifts” are the same – weird pain here, weird headache or pressure there, weird crap here — all “drink more water” make the thing go poof. But now, they all trigger my mind to worry – rather than saying “Hey go drink more water Charlie Brown” – by the way, thats my grandfather channeling in – which he was never a good water drinker which is what kinda makes it pretty amusing to me for him to be telling me “go drink more water” but his favorite flowers, Marigolds – they are – well I think this flower would honestly enjoy having one of those perpetual drips on it for water – I know I feed it a gallon of water a day plus the rain its been getting and it is just LOVING it. So lesson assimilated – atleast for the moment – until I next – soon – channel dory and “just keep swimming” – Drink more water.

I got P to watch Finding Nemo – and he had so so many aha moments about my using Dory as my champion for these days. All the times that I have said “just keep swimming” or – sorry honey, I’m dory today – now they make sense. Thank you universe for allowing me to get him on board with watching this – it only took 1.5 hour foot massage – something I enjoy doing anyway.

Overall life is great. I am feeling better, just still so weak. I know this will get better. Each morning I wake from a sound long sleep feeling just a little more like I have some umpf to take into the day. It is definately a fight right now, There is a mantra that Deepak Chopra Quote: “Every decision I make is a choice between a grievance and a miracle.” I feel many times each day that this is the place where I am. I had accepted this mantra years ago, and the truth of it is setting me free right now. Ever one of these moments of being less strong, less endurance, restful, is a choice to enjoy the miracle of of my being alive.

I got to see the sunset the other day, and the sunrise too. I can’t go out and hug them yet from a distance without covering my head – still have to keep it covered from the last radiation. But soon I will be able to embrace the sun from the distance for these wonderful blessings it provides of beauty, warmth, comfort, constance, and happiness. I am so grateful for its love and the love of all the people and places it touches.

I am transliterating someone else’s work in this paragraph – mostly because I do not know the name of the source, and P is working. He reads Stories online – and he told me one of the ones he has been enjoying. It starts with the main character dying and going to heaven. Where he encounters Dog. The character says “Dog? Really” – and Dog answers him and says, of course Dog – why do you think I sent all my angels down to earth to comfort, soothe, protect, and provide you with my unconditional love. — This made me cry, thinking of all the dogs/angels I have had in my life – and the current love I get from my current angel Starbuck. For me it’s totally believable that dogs are angels. While it hasn’t been a part of my belief system – it doesn’t seem to conflict or work contradictory to the things I believe so my angel pup is just the one I have for now.

Looking forward to spending time with peeps for the long weekend. Looking forward to enjoying the time together. So blessed for the many treasures in my life right now.

We got to do some mini projects for P the last few days, and while they were in tiny bitsized time/effort things, the results are huge. The house just feels so much more – nicer – he feels it too, and I’m hopeful to keep on taking these projects down in small bits.

Just want to share the love I feel for all the bright people, angels, and generally hopeful optimistic spirits in my life. Thank you, your heart, prayers, love and positive thoughts are a blessing I appreciate. Thank you for filling my soul and helping rejuvenate my body. I’m a work in progress, keep believing, I am.

Scheduled eye exams for this week. I’ve been needing to go – been about well, close to 3 years since my last, and P went in November, but didn’t get the new glasses. Our insurance covers a visit a year – and its based upon year not upon date of last visit. We have been going to this same place that we will call “widget 1” or W1 for short. Its located very close to our house. They have alot of doctors, a nice free standing building and the “semblence” of being an incredible place. Everytime we have visited, it has been just a true cluster/mess. The first time, and even the second time I was willing to just pass this as “maybe its just me” — but not any longer. The third and fourth visits were just worse and worse. They have a TON of people working at this office. and by ton I mean 3 people at the front desk at all times, and the place appears empty most times — note to self, I wonder if they – well laundering things thru here, because the place is just never busy – so maybe this is just a mechanism for getting people out quickly.

This time, they required me to “re” fill in the same paperwork that we have filled in every time we visit. They also suddenly wanted me to fill in the COV forms, and also the new iPad system that they have moved over to – a ton of employees – none of them working to make a customer/patients job easier. Hrmmmmm…. The show stopper that forced me “out” of the office, is when they confirmed as I first walked in that my insurance covered everything and I had no co-pay – then their forms were requiring a credit card from me – a paper from where I would be required to manually enter my cc information. When I explained to the lady that I would NOT be providing this information, she explained to me that it was a requirement – and that is when we walked. Too many red flags about this, and bluntly while I was “wanting” to go to the eye doctor, there wasn’t a need. I have a need not to get identity theft and I have no confidence this wouldn’t happen with so many people in this office sitting around chatting.

In the process of leaving and just shaking my head – Phil took me to another office not far away – where they were able to “fix” my backup glasses, which is really kinda what I was needing – the nose pieces on both sides had suddenly disappeared and were needing replacement. They were fast, and efficent and the couple of employees were all humping and super friendly. I liked this office, and they advised me that all their paperwork was online and you completed it before you came in – again a plus – I’ll be checking into getting an appt here, its not really any further away than the other one, and maybe we will have found a good one.

I miss my previous eye doctor. When we first moved to Texas we happened upon an amazing guy – his office staff – I still remember her name “Eva” was just the bomb. She knew everything, everyone and she was just always positive and a force for good. She made the entire experience incredible. The doctor was great, but we came to this place because of her. When the doctor retired, she stayed briefly with the new doctor before moving on to another office. It was just not the same experience, and she was just her friendly upbeat self, but the new office was clearly not as comfortable and homey for her. We tried a few other “dr” in Round rock, and haven’t been able to find that synergy that makes for a great experience. Here is hoping maybe this new one – which is actually kinda nicely located out by Starbucks new Vet – will be “the one”.

Maybe I’m old. Maybe there just isn’t a “the one” anymore for doctors offices. Maybe they are like pez dispensers now, you just push one up and then push a different one up when its time. I can definitely say that being a vocal patient, this may just be the case. Time will tell.

Walked thru some sorrow things with the Psychologist yesterday, she helped me understand that these are growing things. These sessions are mostly me talking – I’m very verbose, no shocker to anyone, but every once in a while she will chime in with some serendipity that I need to hear.

Got back on the monthly cleaning schedule with my service yesterday – they had a “welcome back” that allowed us to get a deep clean at the normal monthly rate – yeah team – and the house feels just so so much nicer cleaner now. There were a few caucus races about this – apparently they hired a new front desk person that didn’t realize they had no hold, so she told me I was “terminated” – which I was called back an hour or so later by the owner, who apologized and explained “no no, we love you – can we come clean your house today?” – so yeah – long story short, clean house, back on plan.

Things are doing oddly, but odd is seeming to be synonymous with “good” in many respects these days. I got an amazing amount of sleep yesterday and my body is so thankful it work up telling me “you don’t have to go to eye doctor” (it was right of course) “you can just lay back here and rest more” – I enjoyed the time with P and I got to get my favorite classes fixed – which means I can see again! The ones I’ve been wearing have micro fissures in the lense which makes it very hard to focus on things.

Overall, I’m feeling super better, just really tired. Gotta rest as much as I can to get the body in regeneration mode. Pretty excited to be able to get some of my self care things this week – acupuncture is back on Friday – and my massage therapist is fitting me in tomorrow! – It will be a super relaxing weekend, and maybe it will allow me to “get pumped” “get strong” before the next treatment. Talked briefly to my doctors nurse yesterday – to explain that the Luperone is a bad bad thing for me – to express to her that the side effects are just bleh bleh icky not going to do this drug – I’m counting to see how long they last. I wish there were a way for them to “alter” the protocol – I feel that sometimes they put these “amount of the drug” in based solely upon weight – and thats just not me – I feel like the bad side effects I am having is that they are giving me way too much of this drug – so the extra is just finding ways to torment me – I didn’t even realize that the things I was feeling were side effects – P looked this up – and said “oh those are just ultra rare side effects of this drug” and I’m like yeah gold star – I’m in the small % again! – wait no thats a bad thing 🙂

One of the people who I felt was a dynamo from the workshop has contacted me to offer me a free online consultation, so I’ll be doing that on Saturday – not exactly sure what to expect, but it should be fun, because she was just an upbeat and positive person – who I would NEVER have believed her age. I swear I thought she was my age – and when I found out she was 70+ I was shocked. So she has a ton of valuable information for me – getting to 87 isn’t going to be easy at this point, gotta keep on moving and get my body rejuvenating.

I found a really cool suggestion from a recent article that when you are at a super week thing, start your walking path within your house, and I realized that my house is REALLY conducive to this. I have an in and out that are on clear lines, so I can go out the garage, in the front, out to the porch, across the porch in thru my bedroom and back out thru the garage. Going to try this – I’m working up to a consistent 5k steps per day right now – it feels so low, but I’m hitting it with my shuffling house things most days – once I can get it alittle higher I’ll reset my goal as 10k. I’m super looking forward to being able to take walks to the park again, but I feel that the state I’m in this maybe a couple months off, so a round about the house sounds like a fun game to try and play to help me rebuild strength.

R finally got himself moved out, and it was so so bitter sweet. I’m super happy for him, but I’m just a little sad for me. The house is just different without his energy here. However, its just kinda nice to finally start building the time together P and I have in Our house alone. We have talked in the past about the fact that in our almost 23 years of marriage, that we have really only lived alone for 2ish years. We have had a revolving door of people sharing our home since we were married. This will be a great time together to share and try and get the house set up just the way we like. We are both sorta excited about this…. its also a project we are enjoying sharing together.

There was a funny recently that also sorta made me cry in one of those “awe” ways. P reads alot of books online. One of the stories he is reading, starts with the main character dying and going to heaven. God is a Dog – and the main character is like “Really? Dog? ” – and he is answered with “Of course Dog, why do you think we sent all of our angels to come and live with you with unconditional love” – and this made me happy/sad quite a bit – we have had dogs together our entire life shared, and they have always – including Starbuck now – been angels of a sort. Always there to guide, love, watch over us – and thinking of them as angels – well it fit. So, for now for me – god can be manifest as a dog. I don’t’ think he minds whatever we manifest him as, provided we give him the glory, and the prayer.

Shout out in love to all the people who have blessed my life with their positive thoughts, vibrations, energy and love. There is just never enough love. Praying more often, and sending out my love to all these wonderful souls has been calming and helpful in my healing. Thank you for being in my life.

Quote: “Cats and rabbits Would reside in fancy little houses And be dressed in shoes and hats and trousers In a world of my own” – lyrics according to google by: Kathryn Beaumont – I just know them from the alice and wonderland movie.

My potassium level is low again this week. went 4.4 to 2.6 in one week. My body just having issues with this mineral. Back to the super high dosage of potassium and back to holding my breath each week on a lab work till they tell me what it is at…. The doctor that called me back today, wasn’t my doctor, was a back up doctor calling/filling in…. she mentioned something – rabbit hole thing – that sometimes chemo drugs can cause “a thing” to kidneys that “does this” – she wasn’t intending it to be a rabbit hole – but my brain – data analyst has spent the past hour searching – unsuccessfully – for this information. I’m certain, this is accurate, I trust this doctor, she came to see me at the hospital in January = she is a good cookie. However, rabbit holes are so so bad for me right now.

I’m dropping this and leaving it in the hands of the greater powers in my life and healing circle to find me a resolution – something to “heal” whatever it is that is causing this issue/concern/difficulty with maintaining a healthy potassium level.

Got a chiropractic adjustment today. This has also been a source of well, true scared/danger for me. — Let me unravel this scared feeling. – and yes we are intentionally calling it scared, because Scared is based upon logic, fear is based upon emotion. There were three. One – this particular chiropractor – a long time member of my healing team who I adore and respect highly – his intuition is spot on and he is incredible. Early in our time visiting, he told us a “joke” type of story to cut the tension in one of our visits about a guy that basically broke his own neck trying to crack it. I have no idea why this piece of knowledge stayed in my head but it DID. Its there, its part of my “wow you can kill yourself by trying to crack your neck” permanent knowledge base. So I have a concern about my neck being broken, and this killing me. I also have a concern about degradation of the bones in my pelvis – they already had issues prior to cancer, they were a “bad spot” on my chiro adjustments always for years, cancer has well – one of the things chemo does is take good things out of your bones and make them less strong. So I have a concern about my pelvis, and getting an adjustment that would “break it” or suddenly put me in paralysis. I also had a third concern – while my doctor explained to me the logic and fallacy to rest these fears, and put them away in the “not valid” category – the third one was about being “the patient” that he inadvertently had “bad things happen to” – I have no regrets for my life – but I can tell you – I adore this doctor, and if I were to get to spirit at the end of my life, and this doctor had any part of that ending – I would be terrible regretful. — This last one, even more than the other two is what caused me in January to “not” get an adjustment. P however has really good intuition and he has seen me be in well little pains add up – be in “little pains” for the past week, and he finally said “Enough of that, go see Dr. Rock” – so we did, I got an adjustment and OMG – even if there was validity in my concerns, I feel so much better. Mea Culpa.

So today was alot about thinking. About trying to get my mind to stay in the relaxed zone, which is oddly alot more difficult than one would expect – silly things move me out – like the sound of the Fan suddenly, or music unexpectedly/suddenly – sounds or smells often move me into the “rabbit duck and cover” type of mode. I’m not certain what to do to rewire this – but it will definately be a conversation point with my psychologist tomorrow.

Maybe its a sign its time to watch Alice in Wonderland again – I’m trying to get P to watch another of the films on our list – we will see how successful this is later today.

So many new appts, had to get one for eye doctor – my glasses have been the wrong things for months and now they suddenly seem to have microfractures on them making it difficult to see at all with them – and I’m still in need of correction further than my hand away. Appt with dentist – one of the “wonderful” side effects of chemo drugs is doing horrible things to your teeth and gums – I’ve always been pretty vigilant with brushing/flossing – but its been almost 2 years since I last went, and this new meds is alittle more harsh, have been feeling my teeth say things like “aha we could use some TLC” – so in I’ll be going.

Also super super excited to be able to go back to the acupuncturist this week, it won’t be till Friday but I am so so hopeful she will be able to help with so many of the things – maybe she will have the aha thing for the potassium! Here is hoping.

It always feels a little meh to talk about how I’m doing in this blog because I just don’t feel like super woman much anymore. I mean I feel like the cape is dirty, and the underroos have magic holes that seem to pop over to the least coverage place everytime I try and sing the theme song or get lift off. Overall – I’m not doing bad. I feel like I’m progressing towards healing. There was a game on the price is right – the yoddling guy that would go up the mountain. Right now, I feel like that little yoddler, or even better – from the sound of music – the yodeling goat song.

In any case – be safe, be healthy, and above all be Happy – I am.

But sometimes, it doesn’t make it any less sad. There was an inside Joke about “knowledge is power” when we used to live in San Diego there was this knowledge is power billboard – it was an education billboard and had math on it. He immediately took this as a thing and said, “yeah pie R squared” – in the format of Malcom X supporting the power of the people to rage against ignorance by math. It was one of those things we shared for a long time and then there was a comic that said “No Pie are round” – so its been one of those things we have enjoyed for a long time. “π R²”

Today, I don’t know why this happened today, but it did. I’m having a very very sad moment, an ephiany long in coming for me, that I – well bluntly I feel I could have lived my whole live without this knowledge. — Ignorance is bliss sometimes. But in the course of where and what I am doing, it was time for the universe to give me this knowledge in such a way that it really internalized and became a part of who I am.

Pancakes, are not breakfast they are desert. This is why they are called “Pan-cakes” I know this isn’t really probably a profound thing for most people, its a very obvious piece of information, but somehow my heart and mind had refused to accept this information until today.

I had pancakes today for breakfast, and was sitting relaxing and meditating with spirit in my overcarbed state of mild discomfort mild bliss. When Spirit says to me, Alethia, you do realize that pancakes are just cakes, cooked in a pan. While this knowledge “should” have been part of my venacular – I have had a love love relationship with pancakes for as long as I can remember. I know they are “not particularly good for me” but it never before occured to me that they are just cake, fried in a pan. Sad sad times. Never again will I be able to enjoy my favorite breakfood, and arguable one of my favorite foods of all time without the revelation that its just another form of especially fatty cake. I will let this one go, and embrace the fact that the knowledge is indeed power, and it will help me move past this but still this is a sad sad day.

Not to mention the fact that I still have the remaining half of the pancakes I got from Kerbey – my favorite distributor of “pan-cakes” in my fridge – figured I’d have them for breakfast another day – and now I’m just realizing I don’t really need the desert again – particularly not so soon. Aha cake.

Music always plays heavily in most all my prayers/meditations/conversations with Spirit. This was no exception, during this entire encounter, Stings song “Soul Cake” was playing thru my head. I let P in on this new knowledge dropped on my head, and at first he was somewhat incredulous, however my sheer tears of sorrow at this revelation clued him in on the fact that it was not a joke to me, and while I could appreciate the humor, and the fact that most of the people in my life will find this more than mildly amusing. Its an opportunity for me to realize that as much as I know, there are mountains of knowledge and epiphanies to be had.

May the rest of today be filled with comfort and joy. Good bye dear pancakes, I’ve enjoyed you so much, but if I’m going to splurge on cake, honestly there are other variations I’d probably enjoy more.

Maybe this is just a slightly more painful part of my journey coming to recognize food as a source of sustenance not pleasure. Feels like this is the case, but it also feels a little like my woobie blanket is getting taken away from me.

There is a quote here from another thing I’ve enjoyed about gracefully surrendering the things of youth. – from the Desiderata – thank you to my great aunt M for introducing this to me so many years ago, it has been a life line so many times in my life, and today it will bring me solace, peace and let me find my way back to joy.

I will mourn you not Pancakes, you have brought me much joy in my life, but its time for you to go back to the pan, and for me to find more greens, veggies, and generally healthier things into my stomach, body, mind and soul.

Thank you universe/spirit for lighting my path to the best possible outcome, and for comforting me along my experiences. I will be able to see this as funny soon, I am shaking my head at this even now. Knowledge really is power.

So I cried a bit today – thru an ego fit… about ridiculous things. We were cleaning up the house, and making it nicer, putting some stuff away and doing some of my “this spot needs to be cleared/cleaned” list of things. We didn’t do that much, we didn’t spend that much time, but I wore myself out. Used up all of my energy. I sat down, and while I wasn’t go to sleep tired, I was just rundown. This made me so sad, I am so used to having energy reserves, having Umph to call upon for that thing I wanted to do or needed to do or that felt like I should go go go to do. I had none, it felt like I was not good enough.

P immediately took efforts to try and help me balance this, to help me reframe it, and I was having none of it. He asked “are you going to keep having your crying pity party or are you going to embrace the good things we got done” – and I in the midst of my childish fit said “well, clearly I’m going to keep having my pity party” – about that moment R texted telling us he was coming over. My pity party ended, I picked up the phone and called him, and I explained the situation and it suddenly made me feel better. The universe always helps me with whatever I need. I just needed my brother to give me the ultimate reality check, to say “Yo you got this” – P has me all the time, but sometimes I just need my brother to slap me around.

The energy has come back, just by sitting and relaxing. Its not gone, its just used, I just need to remember that I’m okay, its okay and it will come back. I just forget in the moment, like a child, this is a huge learning thing for me.

Yesterday was the last session of the RR workshop and it was incredible, the ending was as great as the entire thing. I may try and attend this thing again soon, because it was just so helpful for me, and the activities were so beneficial, and while I took alot out of it, I’m certain even with my notes I missed more than I took. I am so blessed to have had this opportunity made available to me.

This last session covered social support group, and provided a reminder that there is a huge need to learn to get good at receiving – allowing other people to give to help support my needs. They also provided a lot of information and links for resources for social support that is readily available. It was an incredible journey and I met quite a few really cool cats during these sessions.

Alot of little personal epiphanies lately, learning to balance these things, and remember to stay calm, and let the universe unfold as it needs to right now. Overall I feel pretty happy and pretty blessed.

Seems like I will get to do an Acupuncture session next week, and I’m pretty happy about that! It has definitely been one of the the healing things I have been missing. It just helps so well, and puts my body in a fast healing mode.

I slept so well last night, but its just a testament to how much I need it when I wake up feeling great, have some meds, have some water, and realize I could easily go back to resting/sleeping again. My body needs the routine, but it also is learning to love these long sleeps. I’m beginning to finally understand what the people I love have gotten out of these sessions. Sleep is great!

Had some very odd/interesting dreams. They conveyed some very personal messages to me, that helped me see things so much better and well. Its amazing to me how much clearer some of my dreams have been lately.

I am very much looking forward to being able to take some trips next year, but I’m also no longer dreading my staycation time this year. Its helpful all these reframings and learning to heal, and learning to love myself more, and learning that relaxing is not giving up doing, its choosing to enjoy the moment without expectations or judgement.

I feel I have always loved myself, but I feel as I get to know myself now, in this new reality, that I love myself even more. I’m great, and I have so much to do and give.

Life is good.

Had some interesting dreams last night, things I didn’t really want to connect but finding from the research I have been presented in this class, and the self knowledge that I have, its just interesting things.

I actually had to break out my journal last night – something I haven’t done in years, just haven’t’ needed to – but the only way my mind would calm is if I’d write these things down so I didn’t have to try and remember them.

It occured to me a few months back when I attended the aroma therapy thing, and they talked about PTSD symptoms that this was probably something I was experiencing. From this latest session, and from some of my therapist sessions I’m pretty certain I have spent the bulk of my life in this state. Having copying mechanisms when you are healthy for dealing with this state, does not make it any less of being in this state.

Two things – first a little reminiscing because I can remember a couple of events in my past that “might” be triggers for this trauma. While there are states earlier, that I haven’t quite worked thru – a little too much TMI here so skip to the next paragraph if your reading and not me 🙂 — the one that sticks out most in my mind is the time I got my period for the first time at school at age 14 wearing a crinoline and a full puddle skirt and having bled thru both – with no nurses office at this school to go to and be rescued, and in the middle of a class, early in the day. This is a profound trauma for me, and molded/shaped alot of my life – this was technically the last “full period” I had until late in my 20s as I reacted in such a way to basically develop PCOS and stop them flat.

Second thing is the thought or consideration that PCOS might play a role in helping cancer develop and or feeding/expediting it. Its a set of symptoms that relate to female health. And basically its a meaning that my body was “doing” something with all this “extra hormone” things each month, ie: making it available for rogue cells that wanna just grow and produce. It would make, IMHO, an interesting point for research study of woman that were diagnosed with PCOS that had/developed Breast cancer, particularly specific types.

For me, what I realized is that the very existence of PCOS, or rather the lack of normality is another pretty good confirmation of perpetual Sympathetic system. I have never slept much; in my life 6 hours has been the norm, and often only after totally exhausting myself to the point that slept slept over me like a plague. I have perpetually felt the need to push my body, to get the most out of it, and some of the “triggers” I’m finding now that I “know” are putting me back into this state, are normal common things.

Like sounds. I will hear something, and then catch that my ears are almost ringing from straining to hear “more”. Like the neighbors, or out in the yard or strange things in the house.

I will smell something, and it will heighten my sense of smell to smell things – sometimes from the porch, but often from 2 or 3 rooms away.

I will see something weird, with or with out my glasses, and I will suddenly find my vision heightend.

Like the fact that fear is generated every time I pick up a glass – that I will drop it and it will shatter. It forces me to alter my behavior, but it doesn’t generate less fear. I really didn’t think there was much I was afraid of until I started contemplating the things that I have altered my routine to compensate for…. Fear is not absent from my life, it’s just compensated for by carefully planned/altered courses. Go data analyst.

All of these are signs to me – warning signs that I have slipped into this Sympathetic state.

I have meditated since I was introduced to it in my 20s. While I can say, that it is sometimes effective for me – that it will sometimes return me to a para-sympathic state, it doesn’t always work this way – I’m not sure if its the time or the specific meditation – its often common even after years and years of practice for me to fall asleep during my meditations – losing my sympathetic state, and exhaustion just sweeping over me to rest.

I am recognizing that being in the Para-Sympathic is where I want to live right now. I want to avoid this other state like its a viper threatening to bite me. I also recognize this is truly hard to do, so many of my routines, patterns and happens just are built around the other state.

The EFT that was covered in the session was amazing. I have implemented it abit, and I’ll be looking for a few more resources – the points seem spot on but I need a few more dialogues that mesh more with my needs, and while I think I could create my own, I feel I’m at the baby step portion and maybe using some from another source might be better – I plan to discuss this with my therapist on Tuesday – hence the notes 🙂

Overall, it has become a new game for me, to recognize the threat of shift, and take action to keep me from going there. Medication seems to be the most effective method of ensuring I don’t go there easily – and that I have more warning on the threats. It does give me a keen appreciation for the folks that suffer with this from a combat perspective, mine is only a life perspective, and while it’s inconvenient and impossible for healing, its only life threatening because of the cancer – I can’t fathom how difficult this must be for folks in a more challenging state.

I wish there were a small blood draw thing – like the Davio phone device I have for blood sugar – quick poke and the device records to my phone what my level is and tracks it. Wish there were a way to measure my hormones like this – to tell me “stop that” or “yes that worked to correct the course” — Maybe someday soon 🙂 Catch up Science, catch up!

Trying to work on/with Starbuck some – he has started being overly sound sensitive, and enjoys it seems, barking at every possible sound outside of the home. This as expected causes triggers in me, IDK if he is doing this by some bad pattern, or if he is working with the universe to help me address another trigger to clear this and be stronger. Hard to say, but it sure is annoying lol – sometimes, learning and growing is the most annoying thing!! (My favorite nephew said something similar to this recently, I don’t remember the full thing – but I have to say social isolation and missing him is one of the few things where I feel challenged, he is such a light in my life and he says such profound things for his age. )

Tonight is the last class for this workshop, and I have to say I’m little bittersweet about it, I’ve learned so much and have really had so many epiphanies from this class- it isn’t that I was not on this path, its that I feel like they have taken me more to the part that is covered with flowers, and has friends to share my struggles with – instead of the part where I felt I was at the beginning and alone. #feelsgood It is definitely one I’d recommend and may actually try signing up for again because it was truly that helpful.

Time to do some more of the things that are helping me heal 🙂

The workshop yesterday introduced me to a few gems of wisdom, that allowed me to recognize a few areas where I proceeded to go “Son of a B….”

They covered Para-Sympathetic & Sympathetic – or in otherwords your Flight and Fight vs Your heal and relax…. While I have KNOWN for quite a while this is an area of struggle for me, it wasn’t until after this session that I really sat back and realized, wow. How can you expect, and hold your body accountable for healing, when you never get it out of the mode for F/F…. Its like demanding the universe to bring the rain, while you are standing in the middle of an arid desert. While it’s possible, it certainly would be easier and faster to do this at a place where rain is more possible.

When I woke this morning, and decided I was going to go back to rest more, in trying to rest, I realized my ears were heightened. They were listening accurately, for sounds. It was one of those moments when I just realized, clearly my body is in F/F – so I took actions to resolve this and promptly fell back asleep for hours.

I slept about 14 hours last night in total. There are two things about this that I am observing, now having been up for about two hours. First being, wow did I need this. Second being, I need to ensure I get to this state again and again for the next few weeks at the least. — The Third and given for me, is that I need to ensure that I start recognizing this F/F place More, and that I nip it in the bud.

In personal reflections, I feel pretty strongly that I have spent the majority of my life in this F/F state. I have healed in the past, “in spite” of this state. How much better and easier will it be for my body to serve me better and easier if I give it tools it can use.

I’ve effectively been forcing my body to pack my house inside a giant cookie costume. Sure its possible, I’m alive to prove it. But man, poor body, having to bounce around and break other things in the process. Let’s just get together, and find a more peaceful place.

Its pretty incredible the things you learn when you are open and receptive to them. P and I talked about this a little last night, while we were doing our nightly run down. We are learning so much from each other right now, it really feels pretty great.

We are working on getting him to watch the next two “must see films” from the list – Don’t worry Nemo! P will come and find you soon. Here is looking at you P – Audrey Hepburn will be there to light up the screen.

I’m very much looking forward to these last two sessions in this series – tonight is on Spirituality. It should be fun and engaging. Also very relaxed, because I have decided I’m enforcing a much more productive and longer bedtime for myself. I think I’m starting to have a love affair with my bed, don’t tell the covers. — It was pretty amusing when P came to check on me this morning, and Starbuck made him put him up on the bed. The dog decided Noon was “it” that was as long as I got to sleep – he started at first with the little hum bark, and then into the pattern bark. He has an idea of what “day” should look like and he is quite persistent. The amusing part is he is now doing Doggie Chi as I type this, gotta keep that Zen…

Life is good, I’m very glad next treatment is 3 weeks away, it’s much more pleasant to think of these being once a month. So many blessings going on, this truly is a remarkable start to a decade of gratitude.

Starting to plan a few things or rather, think about what I want to plan for next year. The travel bug is always a dancing mistress in peripheral of my mind. I do enjoy the fact that I have no fear of needing to rush to do these trips this year, I know I will get to do them in 2021 so no need to try and force them into weird social experiment times.

Got a chance to talk to D briefly about the possibilities of Bali – its been on my list a long time, and many yoga retreats keep tempting me, but it would be super nice to do this trip with her, so maybe at the end of 2020 a trip will appear that will feed the needs of that travel.

Overall, I’m feeling like the path thru this woods is getting to be alot more comfortable, and alot less frightening. I have further to go, but I have so many tools and resources, that the travel is starting to feel enjoyable for its own sake. I’m glad for the birds of wisdom and visitors along my path – including the bluebird that popped on my crepe myrtles the other day just outside the window of my meditation room. Thank you universe for all of the brightly shining stars and suns that have graced me with their joy, and thank you for your prayers and the winds to lead me along to the best possible places. Thank you for Joy.

Okay paraphrase from a quote on an early episode of Southpark – but all the same. In this society we have ruined the word Diet. It has all of these hang ups and things for me – but I feel that this is kinda normal and likely the same for most folks.

Diet should mean just the food we consume, or rather the choices we make to fuel our bodies. Thats not the meaning or images my head has surrounding that word. I’ve been pleasantly plump most of my life – aka overweight. This also has alot of baggage that goes with it. Circa De 2/3 years ago when I decided I no longer cared what I looked like, I gave this up in a hopes of enjoying/having a longer life, I built some new paths for my mind/brain to travel with regards to food/diet.

The problem with paths in your mind/brain – is that they typically never really go away. It is very possible to shift, change, mutate, them – but the old paths stay. My old patterns of emotional eating are still there. The “need” to go on a “diet” to eliminate or compensate for “trying to feed emotions” which is what I tend to fall back on in a pinch. C word or no C word – emotional eating is just bad. Emotions can not enjoy food. Feelings can not be satisfied with food. Also for me, trying to do this – while it feels slightly better in the moment – bad things do spark hormones that cause good feelings – it generally makes me feel much much worse in the end because it doesn’t really gel with long range goals.

In the fall, when I had family around, and plans for family, and many good things surrounding me, I opted to relent on my diet (the true meaning – the food you chose to provide health and sustenance to your body) – I opted to relent a little, and allow myself to enjoy some of the foods I had made “taboo” for my life – because they are also some of my FAVORITE foods.

There IS a difference between eating for emotional reasons, and having foods spark emotions. There are some foods for me that just spark positive emotions. Unfortunately, many of them are somewhat less healthy carbs. Banana bread is one of these foods – that is to say “MY homemade banana bread” – its not horrible bad, but it does have APF (all purpose flour) – While I’ve tried subbing this out, and reducing it significantly, there is a limit/threshold to what I find pleasing to the palate. Pumpkin is another thing that just makes me happy. There is something in the food itself, but mostly its all the amazing and wonderful things it makes – I should also say, while I enjoy savoury pumpkin in the form of soups, its generally the sweeter side that my body finds its greatest pleasure in consuming. Pancakes is another.

These foods, while I DO eat them for emotional eating, or have times in the past, they also just trigger positive happy memory emotions for me, that are not a bad thing. Many carbs in general, like Bagels for example.

The struggle I have been having since November, is that when I loosened the reins, my body decided to explain to me that we are a carb based person. That these carbs are necessary for me. Having the particularly hard health struggle in January – well the data analyst in me almost wonders – with the fact that I was pretty hard core keto, and very rigid and strict until this point – well it wonders, if somehow going back to carbs isn’t part of what triggered the massive thing. Following this rabbit hole just a tiny bit, Keto is used to keep seizures from occuring in many folks – maybe they were keeping them out of my situation – completely unknown – and when I fell off that diet – well you get the idea. Its one of those like how many licks to get to the center of the tootsie roll – the world may never know….

Its very easy to follow the logic of the doctors and agree with them that “Oh its most likely the drugs that have caused this rapid sudden weight gain” …. 🙂 – but its still lying to yourself when you KNOW unequivocally that the weight gain is not from the drugs – although they do have side effects that may have made it harder to maintain or lose weight for me – its the foods I’ve been chosing that have caused the upspike.

I don’t want to think of diet anymore as “restriction” which is what comes to mind when I think of that word. Diet is not restricted at all, there is no one in the world that can stop me from putting in my mouth precisely what I want to put there, other than me. If I want to eat crap, I’ll eat crap. This doesn’t however, seem to fit in with my goals of living a long life, and helping my body heal faster.

My heart, and soul are on board with making healthier choices. My body is needing more carb right now then on the hyper restrictive plans I was doing before – I did notice an improvement in many levels with the introduction of “some carb” – so this is a time of finding a new “food plan” aka diet – that works with healthy carbs, and still leaves me feeling satisfied.

Developing a diet is somewhat exhausting. I would say its easier to just not eat, but thats just simple not true – without parameters, I will eat, and it will not necessarily be the best choices or selections.

I like having a goal. I need to reduce my weight down 10 lbs over the next few weeks, and then down another 15 over the next few months. This isn’t an over ambitious plan, it just requires some strategy. While I know keto would do this, I don’t think that is the direction my body needs to fuel its current – very working – elimination of this mutation of cells from my body.

There are many times that I miss my trip to India. I feel like it’s very hard to get healthy Indian food that is authentic here in the US. The indian food I had in India – even the “street food” had a vibrance to it, and a level of spice and something – maybe it was just the love and joy – that made it alot healthier than the food here. Maybe its something I can look more into and try learning to cook for myself, my few dalliances in this direction have proved extremely rewarding and satisfying culinarily – my tummy thanked me. This will be a call to the universe for all those helpful recipe books of authentic Indian dishes – particularly carb ones, come shower me with your ephanies of goodness.

The session last night on RR was good – they are always good, but it was so much information. I spent an hour after the series trying to scan thru the links that they tossed out like crackers to the birds. So much data, my mind hurt after the session and apparently I missed out on a joy moment at the end from one of the people I’ve connected with…. I was worried about this session, and while the information was helpful, the presenters were good, it was definitely not my favorite section.

The host for the overall session has started doing this incredible breathing exercise at the beginning and it is just so so empowering. She has us breath in good things, and exhale bad things. Its one I’ve seen/heard of before – but alot of what makes this RR series the best for me, is that its good information, that I know to be true and valid, with a gentle reminder/reintroduction to it.

I have connected with so many wonderful people in this session, it brings me joy and happiness to add to my blessings. I did start to wonder last night though – in the guided meditation the Omega symbol was my first symbol – and someone recently as a part of this series – I think it was during a break out session – mentioned “the Omega Instuitute” – which I hadn’t heard of before, but I went looking last night, like the good little data analyst I am. After reading their page, I am still not exactly certain what they are… who they are… they have an interesting message that somewhat speaks to me. Maybe its a path to check into another day.

Super excited to get to take Starbuck to the groomers today. I don’t know if this is the smartest or best idea, but I do know my dog is – well he likes being clean. I have contemplated washing him myself over the past two months – he was getting regularly grooming – but I just don’t have enough strength for this struggle, he gets so nervous and so anxious, and these somehow just feed into my own nervousness and anxiety – we would both be a basket case before we were done. He has his own personal groomer at the place we go, she just had a baby – thats part of why its been a bit since he was groomer – plus the whole lock down the world conditions we have been experiencing. Sufficed to say, they are back for business, she is back at work, and my dog is happily looking forward to his visit today. They put the cutest little scarves on the pooches when they are finished, and P starts nicknaming Starbuck “poncho” because it does quite make him look like one of those cowboys – I guess it just means that my groomer had the dogs ready for masks years before there time.

So many blessings right now in this decade of gratitude. Thank you 2020 for showing me how easy it is to be grateful for the most simple and happy things. Coffee, toilet paper, and the pursuit of happiness.

So I’m doing this radical remission workshop – and there was a day I was truly dreading – yesterday – it was on exercise and movement. Its one on my “I need to give more attention to this” so I should have been excited, but I was nervous. From the beginning of the session my nerves went away, as with all of the sessions, its being handled with loving grace, and this was no exception. Both of the teachers were great, but the second one had a sharing/activity and it was so so amazing. She was doing a seated yoga/qigong/lymph drainage that was just amazing. I started this session in mild pain – around a 3 or 4 – and after this exercise, not only was the pain gone completely but I was super energized, it felt like rays of light were flowing down from the heavens and floating down all of my chakras and filling me with this incredible healing energy. It was just amazing. I was also nervous about the session tomorrow on diet – until she mentioned it was going to include a cooking demonstration – now I am super hyped.

Its amazing to me how my mind can build up these mountains of things that are just silly. Even my mind knows them as silly but its so so difficult to try and convince myself “these are silly” – luckily with the fuzziness right now, its often just easier to say “yeah I don’t care enough about this to old on to it” – I wish this technique had more long term sister techniques that I could master – if they are there, they have not been led to me yet. I can feel that the “not caring” method will only work where we are at the bottom of this mountain, once I have more reserves rebuilt I can see that my mind will try and fight this, thank gosh for new climbs to atleast scrub some things off the plate.

So potassium level was good yesterday! Yeah team. Now I can start to reduce a little, which feels great – I skipped dose last evening, and I laugh about this now, but apparently its Magnesium I really need, because I woke up after 4 hours of sleep and had to literally fight my inner child about “we are NOT getting up now” – but but but “No, absolutely not” – after about 6 meditations, I finally fell back asleep for another few hours, and woke up with some semblance of reasonable amount of time in bed, resting. Inner child loves to “play” and that involves getting up and embracing the day. Its hard to tell her no, she is so positive and so vital to my life.

So many amazing and powerfully positive people have come into my life lately – feels pretty amazing. They have all these gifts and sharings for me, and its so so helping. At a time when my reserves are so low, the universe is bolstering me – its almost like its saying “I got you girl, you keep fighting” — Winning has never been so tiring 🙂 It does feel like I’m doing a marathon though, and I’m definitely over halfway 🙂 feels pretty great to know that the hardest, worst parts are over, just gotta keep fighting thru to get to the next step of my life at the end of this chapter soon.

Got to engage with an incredible woman last night in my breakout sessions that gave me hope in a way very few people can do – She was 78 and I would have placed her by look and her energy life at my age – or younger. She was so vibrant – her cancer journey was many years ago, and apparently she is one of the survivor stories in the first book – Radical Remission by Kelly Turner – She got to share a little of her journey, and some tools relating to our exercise that night, she was very knowledgable.

P & I have been doing just some amazing things – our relationship is going thru one of those highs right now – its almost like a rebirth. He has been so so helpful especially when I am feeling so low, to help pick up the slack and keep me positive. I’ve been able to help him work thru some of his own challenges and while they aren’t gone, he is just alot more aware of them and able to wrestle them on his own.

I have so so many friends and family that are just overwhelming me with support, its so helpful. Was talking to my therapist today in our session about the fact that I’m starting to recognize when my mind is threatening to overwhelm me with woes. And I’m starting to be able to redirect this using the tools I have available. Also came to a realization last night in talking to P.

I’ve had a challenge with medicines. I don’t like taking them. I thoroughly understand the side effects, and I don’t want them lol so easier to avoid them. However, that being said, right now in my situation, the medicines are not only necessary they are more good than harm. While this may not always be the case, I have had to tell myself over and over again to STFU and just take it. To stop trying to control the quantities, and the dosage, to stop fighting the doctors to reduce remove and such and just take them as I need them. The revelation last night was that I don’t view supplements the same way. I take between 16-24 supplements daily – have for 3+ years, with the exceptions of times to allow the chemo drugs to work better, or to allow radiation to be more effective – where I have removed ones that would conflict with the treatments, or stopped for X number of days during treatments.

Back to point – I take these supplements, and I do not view them as “get this out of my life” – I view them with constructiveness of “I need these” – and the reframe was “the medications are the same right now” – I can’t say I completely am onboard this train, but it did open up a path way or two in my mind to silence things. We will see if it allows me a tool to make my mind join the team and calm down for a bit. Its very interesting to me, because I know I have the energy tools and my intuition is NOT the one telling me to worry about these meds right now. Its purely my mind, I have for many years cultivated this “no no drugs” in my mind – and for as smart as my mind is – well present situation excluded – its kinda a lemming – it follow the path until I block or remove it with a reframe. — Thanks Dr B for helping me recognize this tool.

So I’m learning to help my mind relax – somehow my meditation doesn’t always do this- go figure. Learning how to help it find less manic states, and learning how to embrace that slower is better – often for me right now.

In the words of Scarlett O’Hara – Tomorrow is another day.