Had some interesting dreams last night, things I didn’t really want to connect but finding from the research I have been presented in this class, and the self knowledge that I have, its just interesting things.
I actually had to break out my journal last night – something I haven’t done in years, just haven’t’ needed to – but the only way my mind would calm is if I’d write these things down so I didn’t have to try and remember them.
It occured to me a few months back when I attended the aroma therapy thing, and they talked about PTSD symptoms that this was probably something I was experiencing. From this latest session, and from some of my therapist sessions I’m pretty certain I have spent the bulk of my life in this state. Having copying mechanisms when you are healthy for dealing with this state, does not make it any less of being in this state.
Two things – first a little reminiscing because I can remember a couple of events in my past that “might” be triggers for this trauma. While there are states earlier, that I haven’t quite worked thru – a little too much TMI here so skip to the next paragraph if your reading and not me 🙂 — the one that sticks out most in my mind is the time I got my period for the first time at school at age 14 wearing a crinoline and a full puddle skirt and having bled thru both – with no nurses office at this school to go to and be rescued, and in the middle of a class, early in the day. This is a profound trauma for me, and molded/shaped alot of my life – this was technically the last “full period” I had until late in my 20s as I reacted in such a way to basically develop PCOS and stop them flat.
Second thing is the thought or consideration that PCOS might play a role in helping cancer develop and or feeding/expediting it. Its a set of symptoms that relate to female health. And basically its a meaning that my body was “doing” something with all this “extra hormone” things each month, ie: making it available for rogue cells that wanna just grow and produce. It would make, IMHO, an interesting point for research study of woman that were diagnosed with PCOS that had/developed Breast cancer, particularly specific types.
For me, what I realized is that the very existence of PCOS, or rather the lack of normality is another pretty good confirmation of perpetual Sympathetic system. I have never slept much; in my life 6 hours has been the norm, and often only after totally exhausting myself to the point that slept slept over me like a plague. I have perpetually felt the need to push my body, to get the most out of it, and some of the “triggers” I’m finding now that I “know” are putting me back into this state, are normal common things.
Like sounds. I will hear something, and then catch that my ears are almost ringing from straining to hear “more”. Like the neighbors, or out in the yard or strange things in the house.
I will smell something, and it will heighten my sense of smell to smell things – sometimes from the porch, but often from 2 or 3 rooms away.
I will see something weird, with or with out my glasses, and I will suddenly find my vision heightend.
Like the fact that fear is generated every time I pick up a glass – that I will drop it and it will shatter. It forces me to alter my behavior, but it doesn’t generate less fear. I really didn’t think there was much I was afraid of until I started contemplating the things that I have altered my routine to compensate for…. Fear is not absent from my life, it’s just compensated for by carefully planned/altered courses. Go data analyst.
All of these are signs to me – warning signs that I have slipped into this Sympathetic state.
I have meditated since I was introduced to it in my 20s. While I can say, that it is sometimes effective for me – that it will sometimes return me to a para-sympathic state, it doesn’t always work this way – I’m not sure if its the time or the specific meditation – its often common even after years and years of practice for me to fall asleep during my meditations – losing my sympathetic state, and exhaustion just sweeping over me to rest.
I am recognizing that being in the Para-Sympathic is where I want to live right now. I want to avoid this other state like its a viper threatening to bite me. I also recognize this is truly hard to do, so many of my routines, patterns and happens just are built around the other state.
The EFT that was covered in the session was amazing. I have implemented it abit, and I’ll be looking for a few more resources – the points seem spot on but I need a few more dialogues that mesh more with my needs, and while I think I could create my own, I feel I’m at the baby step portion and maybe using some from another source might be better – I plan to discuss this with my therapist on Tuesday – hence the notes 🙂
Overall, it has become a new game for me, to recognize the threat of shift, and take action to keep me from going there. Medication seems to be the most effective method of ensuring I don’t go there easily – and that I have more warning on the threats. It does give me a keen appreciation for the folks that suffer with this from a combat perspective, mine is only a life perspective, and while it’s inconvenient and impossible for healing, its only life threatening because of the cancer – I can’t fathom how difficult this must be for folks in a more challenging state.
I wish there were a small blood draw thing – like the Davio phone device I have for blood sugar – quick poke and the device records to my phone what my level is and tracks it. Wish there were a way to measure my hormones like this – to tell me “stop that” or “yes that worked to correct the course” — Maybe someday soon 🙂 Catch up Science, catch up!
Trying to work on/with Starbuck some – he has started being overly sound sensitive, and enjoys it seems, barking at every possible sound outside of the home. This as expected causes triggers in me, IDK if he is doing this by some bad pattern, or if he is working with the universe to help me address another trigger to clear this and be stronger. Hard to say, but it sure is annoying lol – sometimes, learning and growing is the most annoying thing!! (My favorite nephew said something similar to this recently, I don’t remember the full thing – but I have to say social isolation and missing him is one of the few things where I feel challenged, he is such a light in my life and he says such profound things for his age. )
Tonight is the last class for this workshop, and I have to say I’m little bittersweet about it, I’ve learned so much and have really had so many epiphanies from this class- it isn’t that I was not on this path, its that I feel like they have taken me more to the part that is covered with flowers, and has friends to share my struggles with – instead of the part where I felt I was at the beginning and alone. #feelsgood It is definitely one I’d recommend and may actually try signing up for again because it was truly that helpful.
Time to do some more of the things that are helping me heal 🙂