So I have animal totems, these are – well this is a good link – not 100% my thoughts of the wording, but pretty good. Animals that have lessons or information for me in my life journey. Microsoft, has started doing these screen things to show pretty pictures. My picture today was of a snowy owl – one of my totems. I have enjoyed the fact that the picture takes you to a page to learn more about “the picture” – so I learned some interesting things I didn’t know about this particular “animal guide/totem” for me.

They have, snowy owls, when fully spanned – a 5 foot wing span – basically the thing is almost as wide spanned as I am tall – I’m a little taller but geez thats big. Crazy big for a bird that is somewhat small in stature and appearance. Sorta made me reflect and contemplate all of my animal friends.

I have known for a while that I need to be getting my animal tattoos to go on my life compass, but its challenging because the risk vs reward is high at this time with the health challenges. The reward will be great once its done, but the risk of infections, exposures, or “things” is not worth it right now. So I just have so much information coming from them from other sources that is sometimes hard to process, and I have to “Just keep swimming” – aka “Alethia does Dori”

Yesterday I helped P accomplish a goal that was super important for him to do this past weekend, and I didn’t realize in the moment that I way way overdid it. I realized about twenty minutes later, when my body flooded with all the things that normally wouldn’t be bad, but for me are really not particularly good. I was suddenly just feeling horrible, and tired. Good news is, I recognized it was probably just having overdone it, but man it still didnt’ really feel like overdoing it.

Its very hard right now, because physical exertion is just well, its very very easy for me to overdo it. I slept for a solid 12 hours last night, and woke up well sleepy and tired, but feeling alot better – but also sore and realizing “Oh thats why you felt like crap yesterday, you overdid it” — its so nice to be able to understand the feeling like crap even when it is in hindsight. Suspecting something, and having big signs that say “this is what it is” are two entirely different things. It was just kinda nice to wake up sore – which just seems funny to say. I also felt better from overdoing it – but man better vs feeling like crap is a hard hard pill to swallow. Gotta take it slow. Babysteps is an understatement.

It feels more like I’m taking in vitro steps – or better – the Genie in the lamp – infinite cosmic power, itty bitty living space. Smart me however, recognized the not feeling well and did a meditation on my biomat.

I use this software, Insight – and I’ve been doing this meditation by David Ji which is soothing and incredible. I have also not quite committed soundly to his 56 day challenge to change the structure of the brain – but I have done his meditation – well probably that many times in recent months. It is an incredible body scan meditation and his voice is just so relaxing and soothing. The biomat amplifies any intentions, and also its like the best heating mat ever. He allows me to relax into my breathing, and harness my chi to relax and resolve many of the little poky physical discomforts that are pulling at my sleeves.

Tried an experiment last week – have been going to a psychologist weekly for a while (I think its over 2 years at this point) and discussed/decided to try a week off to see if I’m ready to go to every other week. While I feel that it might be possible, right now in these society times where there is so much isolation, I think its probably best to keep it with the once a week times, and I’m super happy/excited for the session with her tomorrow. I have so many things I’ve walked thru, and I’m still tinkering over in my head – My head likes to loop – that is – my head likes to loop and loop and loop – with thoughts, ideas and things, and she is very good at helping me reframe, which by design of being something different, allows my head to release and let the thing go – for good, bad or indifferent – usually taking something bad and seeing it from the good, or the possibilities. My sessions with her are always helpful, and I have always left with a feeling of resolution, and positive possibilities.

Looking forward to the lecture series section tonight – its on exercise and movement – and I feel, with my particular enlightenment on “somethings are too much” from this weekend, it will be a GREAT opportunity to talk about this or get some possible suggestions. How do I get “some” without getting “too much” – how do I recognize “too much” before or in the moment so I don’t end up well, to use the spoons thing, my body let me know clearly yesterday – and unfortunately it was first thing – super early in the morning -that not only had I used up all the spoons for the day, I’d borrowed from the next day already, so tread lightly. It will be nice to have other peeps that have traveled along these challenges, or are in them now, to share their thoughts, experiences, and suggestions – there maybe some bread crumbs of wisdom to lead me along the path to my own further enlightenment. I am truly blessed to have this experience to poll from for my mind.

Now back to resting, and relaxing and recovering, before I figure out the next figurative mountain to work on climbing right now, that hopefully won’t overtax me but will challenge me in a way to build myself up physically. I’m excited to be helping my body heal and recover.

Silly Ole’ Bear. Right now, sometimes my mind is filled with Fluff – and I feel since this was a desire of mine years ago – to be more like Pooh – that this circumstance is allowing me the opportunity to get that wish, and see that while its conducive to some things, its just not the nature of me that I want for the every day.

Happy Mothers Day – to all the moms in my life, that have shaped me, raised me, taught me – and provided a living example of what it means to cherish. I haven’t always liked all of you, there have been times, when my mind has struggled to see the logic of the things you have asked me to do, have instructed me to do, or have cajoled me into doing – Not all of them always were the best for me – but they were always with the best of intentions, and with the full force of your love. Thank you, for all of your love. Thank you for all of your support, and praise, and for always being my strongest and most heartfelt cheerleader. I have always known that whenever I am down, and need someone to show me that I am great, and that I have the strength to do what I need, no matter what the goal in mind, you have always been there. Your calm and sometimes not calm lol – your presence and guidance has been like a lighthouse beacon thru the storms of my life. There is no other person in the world I can most feel like I am sheltered from the storms that I ride, than with you. Thank you for being my friend, confident, and above all my mother.

Life is such a powerful thing. We went driving yesterday – P had to put miles on two of his cars that don’t see the road that often, to ensure that they maintain good function. The little things, you notice as you drive, the birds, the squirrels, the small animals, the people walking their dogs – I wish they would be walking their cats, but that’s another whole story. The just sheer joy in life. Its amazing to me. We had the windows down, as it was cool enough outside to afford this luxury, unexpectedly for a May afternoon here in Texas.

The sound of the wind, the feeling of its force and its power has always been one of those forces within my soul. Its like a friend that neither wants to help or hurt you really, but just enjoys being. Fluttering in and out of your life at whim to shower you with chime sounds, or a dirty front porch filled with leaves. To cool you with a soft breeze from the heat, or to blast you with the hot vibes of a smoldering day. Its like both sides of the Ying Yang – both the black and the white. I think for me, it’s more than just one lesson in learning how to balance those sides. To keep my calm and my raging storm — To quote the gambler song – to know when to hold them and to know when to walk away. — Oh and to know when to run 🙂 Which kinda seems to be pretty frequent right now in my life. – An oddly sardonic thing considering I am physically not in a true condition to run.

Got to spend some time yesterday talking and video chatting with some people I love dearly. Was a great, brief period. I guess Video Chats are our lives these days – Tech has to come up with a better way of sharing hugs. This lecture series on Radical Remission has sparked a curiosity in me about whether or not someone has actually done the scientific research on the value of hugs. They quoted the other day some studies on the physiological benefits of laughter, and got me energized about finding some “Laughter Yoga” classes from the benefit of the small class we did with a ten minute session. I digress – I wonder if there has been research about “hugs” — I know there were some studies with babies, about thriving – but I don’t remember the details – maybe this will be a directional point for my mental searches sometime soon. To scour PubMed for studies on hugs – I mean I know they feel good – I know they have spiritual, and intuitive help from the top of the head to the tip of the toe – but would be sorta well another ribbon on the knowledge map to have some physiological scientific backing for them being a benefit.

Matcha Green Tea is something I happened across – well okay I was introduced to this stuff years ago – but much like my original introduction to coffee – it didn’t sit with me. With Coffee, I remember tasting my grandmothers coffee and immediately thinking “why on earth would you ever drink this stuff, it tastes like dirt” – and I now, in hindsight can understand my sentiment at the time, but after years of my tastes evolving – it happens that I enjoy the taste of dirt… well, I enjoy the subtlety that exist in the flavor of the beans, in a way I never could in my youth, and now I can move beyond the earthy (aka dirt) taste of the coffee into the rich subtle flavors of the fruit. Matcha seems to be smiliar.

My first introduction to Matcha was in my 20s – and I remember thinking “why would someone ever drink this grass” – because it tasted just like grass to me. Now years later, I can taste the subtle phytonutrients (aka grass) flavor, but I can also taste the richness of the leaves that represent the tea, the care with which they were harvested and prepared in the lightness of the flavor. I’ve started having these on the regular, and something in the nutrients my body deeply needs. I have a cup every morning – Ceremonial grade, which is – well there is like a hint of the fruit that was in bloom at the time the tea was harvested, very subtle and light, but the fruit and flower flavor almost caress the leaves – and when the grind it down to a powdery pulp it just has this flavor that is distinctive and somehow my body has made it seem pleasant, and I look forward to it. —- Almost more than my coffee. I feel the nutrients in this Matcha are helping heal my body, and that is definitely a crave worthy experience.

I love when the universe provides me with rich and vibrant dreams. When they are there to give me lessons, warnings, signs, help guide me to plans, and goals. Its soul fulfilling in a way that very few other things are – often on this journey I’m traveling now, my dreams have been out of reach – the medications somehow put a stopper on those dreams, but now as I heal some, I’m finding my friends back in my nightly sleep sessions, and its a very empowering thing. I think more than many of the small wonders, this one has more hope instilled in me.

Finally got P to watch one of the 3 movies on our list of “must see” — and by must see – Its a purely A&P must see thing, its movies I have seen that I just can’t believe he hasn’t watched. This list includes Casablanca, Finding Nemo, and the one we watched the other day – Thor Ragnarok – yeah I have weird “must see” tastes. It isn’t that these are the “best” movies ever made, they are just ones that somehow I feel shape aspects of my life in weird odd ways. So we watched Thor Ragnarok, it’s one I’ve seen maybe 10 times, so this time, I worked on his feet, and he watched, and it was just a great movie – as always. Mostly I was glad to have him finally having experienced a movie that comes up so much for my mind as a “that part” type of movie. I wonder if other people have this happen. — Where a movie becomes like a weird parallel for things happening in their lives, there experiences, for a time or in general. Movies aren’t the only thing that this happens for me as, songs OFTEN are this way too – heck paintings are this way also – pretty much all forms of art, somehow there will be one that just sort of … captures the sense of where I am, or where I’m going, or what I’m experiencing — in a weird parallel sort of parable sense.

I really wish I could enjoy reading philosophers more – I enjoy talking about them, and learning about them – but when I start to read a philosopher it somehow seems alot like editing my own work – aka I started reading my own blog from the beginning recently and geez I whine alot. I guess thats sorta the way I feel about other philosophers – I would love to engage and talk to them – I do love talking to people in general, and rapping and learning about philosophy, but reading it is like – well I’d rather have a tooth pulled. I guess this is just one of my shortcomings – mea culpa.

So maybe to sum, I don’t really want to be more like Pooh Bear anymore, I’ll just enjoy my aspects of Pooh, My aspects of Tigger, my aspects of rabbit, my aspects of Piglet, my aspects of Eeyore – and above all my aspects of Christopher Robin – try and learn to balance them and continue on my journey.

Always a song lyric 🙂 to start my mind into “lets write” frame…

I am blessed. Particularly so when it comes to the amazing plethora of people in my life. People to inspire me, empower me, to life me up, to laugh with me – all around me.

Yesterday was treatment day. Doctor gave me a nice reality check. Since my incident in Jan I’ve been gaining a little weight. This is a “not good” thing for many reasons. Most of which involve the fact that physically, I’ve made it harder for my job of healing. I mean, I know I love a challenge, but its really sorta rude to pray about something, and not be willing to put in the tiny effort of STOP PUTTING CRAP in your mouth. Thank you to my spirit guides, angels and all the empowering people around me to keep trying to inspiring me. Thank you to god for blessing my oncologist with the correct words/information to relay to me to finally be able to lovingly hold my little kid and explain that play time on this issue is over. The meds I’m on – I moved weight thresholds. Meaning I have gained enough weight that they want to give me “more drug” each time – this is NOT something I want. My doctor looked at me, recognizing this was exactly what I needed to hear, and she said she would compromise with me for “this time” and not give me more, with a goal that I would address this…. I asked her where the threshold is and how much she thought I needed to lose. She explained that the threshold is just 10lbs beyond but it would be better for me to drop 25 of the 30 I’ve gained since January. I agreed with here that this was reasonable. We also changed the regime schedule to 4 weeks, so it will line up with the Luperon. So now I will just have one day every 4 weeks of additional things.

Its funny how when someone places an incentive that is truly desirable to me in front of me, its funny to me how much easier doing or rather not doing things is for me. Thank you to the universe for recognizing one of my strengths and allowing it to help me reach my goals.

So I tried the thing about praying before the treatment, have added to all of my prayers meditations – about helping the medicine reach its target and having the cancer and the extra meds leave my body gracefully – thanking them for their help and lessons. Its amazing how much better I feel after this treatment. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still blessedly tired, and the steroid still plays havoc with the schedule, but overall I just feel – well comfortable, much more comfortable.

This is just one of the so so many things out of this workshop/lecture series.

Last nights session was so happy and amusing for me on so many levels, and I LEARNED so much!! Last night was 2 experts on Herbs & Supplements. And the happy surprise to me was that my Acupuncturist was one of the experts!!! Talk about how intuitions lead you to just the right people when you need…. Gratitude for mine.

Both of the experts went thru their information, and it was really good to see that I have a few thing spot on, it was also nice to see a few areas where I have some Good Options for improvement. The way that M structured the supplements as either Detox, Immune or Gut was so helpful – it also allowed me to recognize a few that I could add to the Immune and the Gut – and why my detox might be one I need to back off on periodically without having to give up the Gut ones.

At the end of the session there was a breakout portion – and I met the neatest group of ladies, we shared stories, and later I was able to connect with two of them. Our journeys are all individual, but the knowledge is great to have even if its not overly useful to me now, maybe I’ll have it available for someone else when they are seeking.

I just love being able to help people. My challenge is to ensure I have enough routine and activities planned to make sure I bring my focus back to myself. I’ve always been a giver, just now I am needing to focus that giving on myself – not at the reduction or expense of the joyful experience of giving or helping others, but more at the benefit. The more I take care of myself, the more the universe opens up times, places, and things to help other people. Its like the stronger and healthier I am the more I have available to help.

I made my bucket list of places I want to experience, and the first one on the list is Bali – I don’t know why but this place just well there is some element of my soul that feels it has unfinished business here – and maybe thats just to go sit on a hammock and enjoy the breeze and the sounds of the ocean 🙂 the guided meditation from the other day, actually made me think this is the case.

It was nice to do this exercise of writing the list – and it was nice to know that there are a few in my travel future – maybe not in 2020 but definitely soon.

Life is good, looking forward to tonights session which should cover Emotional stuff. This is one of those areas where I feel “I got it” but part of me intuitively knows “maybe we need some work here” — was talking to a friend this morning, and it came up that I’ve always been an emotionally charged and driven individual so it would NOT surprise me to learn I have some work here – heck my reason for going to a therapist these past almost two years is BECAUSE I recognize there is alot of information I do not have. So looking forward to what pearls of wisdom might come out of todays session.

This workshop series on Radical remission is just amazing for me. My intuition is spot on, but I am an excessively stubborn person. I was introduced to this information more than a year ago – and to the complimentary information more than 2 years ago. I wasn’t ready for it until now. Thank you again M for this – you are a starlight along my path – thank you. I listened.

The workshop – I typed just now “ship” and that seems so so appropriate the “workship” – because in so many ways for me, its a ship – they are helping guide us along chaotic waters to a beautiful island of restoration and a path for a better stronger healthier life. Bring on the boat! — The workshop – yesterday, was about Intuition.

My ego is such that I said to myself as I was getting ready to go to this session “Hrmmm this is a ten for me — (ten from the categories of “what do you need to work on) – I could probably skip this” — my intuition said “Um, just because something is a ten doesn’t mean you have learned all the universe has to teach you – get your arse in there and pay attention.

I was tired. I was worried about treatments today, I was fidgety – but I went. I committed to attending this, for Myself. This is a program to help ME make a better ME. These other people are devoting there time, for this purpose – what a wonderful thing – these compassionate souls willing to devote some time to help ME get better, stronger, to ask me questions, to help guide me – empowering stuff all the way around.

The class was on Intuition. In the form of this workshop there are two speakers, covering one of the 10 concepts of “radical remission” – Book by Kelly Turner. The first speaker resonated so much with me – I could relate to her story, her information and it was well it was like clapping in my heart for the info she was giving, confirmation and “I got this” moments.

The second speaker, her smile just lite up the room. She had this overwhelmingly strong presence, that as I had started to slip into the “meh I don’t need more info I got this” Her voice and demeanor challenged me to “Pay attention” – and I gotta say I am so so so glad AND BLESSED that I did. She covered opening information, but most of her section was a guided meditation.

I’ve done meditations since I was 13. Being a crazy visual person, guided meditations have always been my jam. I love them. They give me messages that just get past my logic filters and deliver the packages of intuition in clear and concise methods. The meditation she delivered for us, was hands down one of the best I’ve had in more than 15 years. It was calm, and her tempo was perfect for where she was taking us….. It easily opened up my chakras and allowed spirit to convey some information right to me.

It had been a physically struggly day – where I was NOT feeling great – chalk it up to Austin Allergies – but nonetheless I went into this meditation with a slight amount of discomfort. This meditation eliminated that seamlessly – didn’t even notice it slipping away.

There were three specific messages – well honestly more like 15 or so messages for me, but 3 specific that I got out of this session.

She had us ask the spirit/presence/god for information about the challenge – and the answer I got was a very very clear Omega. – In reflection after, and in dreams – this has been made very clear to me. The lessons I was to learn I have learned, this time of challange is coming to an end. There will be many new challanges for me, but this specific flavor – The Big C – is at an end.

The second thing she directed us to ask/get information about was direction or what to be working on – and I again got clear symbols. I got an Alpha and an Ichthys – these two symbols go very well together, and have been in my meditations many many times before – I’m sure they will be again. Its learning for me that I’m starting on something new, and there will be learning, learning, learning as well as the usual blessings/protection that is prevalent in my life.

The third part of the meditation was the spirit gave us a box – a beautiful vessel of information to help us on our journey. When I opened this vessel there were this massive pile of pretty pink hearts – I was running my fingers along them – they were so soft – and they suddenly started fluttering up and all around the space. They were pink, heart shaped butterflies – they had a warmth and love powerfully pulsing from the lady, the box and in the air, they surrounded me, and I was overcome with joy – it was blocking and clearing out old sorry, old locked restrictive emotions. The butterfly hearts fluttered around me, covering my body, from head to toe — After a few minutes they returned to the box, and they settled back down the pulsing still there at first, but it settled back into this amazingly beautiful supply of unending energy. The lady hesitated a moment, and told me I was welcome to come to see her, to get empowerment whenever I needed, but she gave me the box, and she told me it was mine to take, to use for my healing, and to use to help anyone that I felt needed help. I hugged her, she laughed, and she was very etherial. I felt her joy, her strength, her power, her calm her presence and she sent me back up the stairs during the meditation.

When the session ended, I felt so empowered, so strong, so relaxed, and so much healthier.

There was one of the things that came up in the workshop last night, that was a well reminder for me. One of the ladies mentioned that during their treatments they prayed for the treatment to help the cancer find its way, and to pass thru their body unharmed. I remembered doing precisely this same thing for my first two years of treatments. I remember praying during my radiation and having basically no symptoms during most of these — However, I also recalled I’d gotten lazy? Is that what you call when you forget a powerful thing you know you should do but suddenly you just forget it. — Whatever you call it, I remembered and I did it today – at my treatment. With Premeds, Chemo & hormone shot – and I have to say 🙂 so far its helping tremendously. So many good things from these sessions.

I feel these sessions are so so empowering. They are making me strong, reminding me of who I am. Reminding me of how far I’ve come in my journey – its very easy to see “you have so far to go” — but sometimes its nice to see “Yeah but look how much you have accomplished” — I rock!

I am so blessed to be able to help other people, I am so blessed to be doing so well, and I know I will be getting better and better. I also know there will be many many people that I get to stand at the cross roads like a tour guide and point out the options. I love helping people. I am thankful for being alive, but more I am thankful for having inspiring work to challenge and reward me.

So I’m learning – when you ask for direction, and your given that direction – best get off your rear and start following it.

This is an easier thing in some areas of my life than others.

So I had this remote session with an intuitive on Monday. She gave me some clear direction about a few things in my life, she also gave me a few details that I was just – well I’ve been praying and meditating about them every since – until today. She mentioned about the fact that I still had some people in my life that were causing more escalation of drama for me. This was/is causing me unneeded stress which is harmful for my overall goal/objective of healing cancer.

Sometimes clarity comes where you least expect it, and it isn’t at all what you would have hoped or really wanted. This was sorta the case for me today. The truth and direction of who and what became clear. Now comes the hard part of distancing myself from encounters.

That concept of gracefully releasing the things of youth comes to mind, and has always been a difficult thing for me. Like some of my eating patterns – that little voice that says “But but but… I want, I want, I want…. ” … its hard to take such a cute kid (yes, I find myself a cute kid…) and tell them “No, not this time” – honestly its like trying to tell my dog “No its not wet food day”

Giving is easy. Identifying a problem and NOT solving it, not trying to solve it – allowing it to just be a problem and finding that “okay” is hard for me. I have been learning, that other peoples problems are not mine. That I am not super woman, that its not my job nor is it my lifes work to solve other peoples problems – and who am I to assume that they need solving to begin with… However, this is an uphill battle, and sometimes, there are dips in the road.

Thank god for being alive to learn new things. Thank god for the grace to apologize when I need to, to recognize when I’ve faltered, and to get back up and try again. Thank god for all the wonderful people in my life that are there to help me, to teach me, to guide me. Thank god for the ones that will gracefully move out of my life, and allow me the space to heal.

Time to change thought directions ……

I got to say a special thank you yesterday, to an incredible person. The lady that P works with that made us these amazing masks. She is just this amazing person, who gifted us months ago these masks – they work super well, and are easy to use and wash. She is a seamstress and it was super great to be able to see her on this virtual meeting and tell her thank you and how much her work means to me. I seem to attract seamstresses to my sphere of energy, and it’s an incredible thing, my grandmother was an amazing one, and I miss her terrible, so it is always a happy thing when another of these busy bees buzzes into my life.

There are many amazing and generous people in my life – this has always been the case; and will always be the case. I live a semi charmed life. Its nice to know that it will be going on for a lot longer. I’m committed to the things that I feel are most important to me, and one of those is sharing my lessons – thru blogging.

Its funny how the mind works. I was realizing in talking to a cousin – second cousin truth be told, that the mind does things, and builds mountains. I met this cousin in person for the first time in my formative – well formative for me 🙂 20th year. She was a grad student at a university, and I realized somehow in my mind, she became the pentacle for all research of any type of scientific nature anywhere.

I’m not even certain what she was studying. But her passion, her decorum – it just set itself in my mind as “the one” – and I was realizing this as I was studying things about my condition, the world condition – generally a few things – that everytime I study — pretty much anything – she comes to my mind. My interactions with her – and she is “the one” – in my mind.

it isn’t anything in particular she did – this is all about me. All about my mind deciding she is the leading forefront expert on everything. Its not that the nature of our relationship is such that I can ask her – anymore than I could ask Neil Tyson about things – but in my mind – she is a “super star” when it comes to research. Intuition led me to tell her this out of the blue yesterday. I connected with her a bit back, on that social thing we all use – the F word. We have had a few snafu type of interactions, but mostly intuition said “you need to tell her about this” — this is the fact that pretty much EVER time I look for information, and a search in research – I think of her – and wonder what she would say or think about it – and I can still hear her voice. Minds are such a dynamic and crazy thing.

Logically I know she is just another human – a mother and while she is my cousin – we are distant, and there isn’t really much closeness in our relationship. This is a case where the mind has pathways that aren’t always necessarily accurate, so we have the ability to shift these or change them for whatever we need.

Its an example for me to remember, when my mind starts telling me negative thoughts or things about what I’m dealing with – that while it has alot of things stored in it, alot of knowledge – it isn’t always right. Its stuck due to the pathways of my entire life – and while I love my life – alot of my pathways have been wild and twisting, and I know – I KNOW I have gotten some things less correct or less best for me, overall. So this example with my cousin, who is not the earth leading expert on everything science – into an ambassador for the human race on all things scientific — While my mind does this; its good to balance it into the reality of the fact sometimes, my mind gets things wrong.

The heart tells the truth – the mind just follows the patterns.

I started this Radical Remission workshop/lecture thing. Its based upon the research and book by Kelly Turner. I was first introduced to this information in a documentary series from Netflix – I think it was called “heal” – they did an interview with her, and she covered her research – she worked with 1500 patients that had recovered from cancer … gone into “Radical Remission” – and she found trends – or rather 10- overlying things that they did – not everyone of them did all ten – but all of them did most of the things, and many of them did all of them. — This seemed like a list that was valuable to me – so I remember screenshotting the TV and keeping the list.

At the time, it was a pat on the back thing for me, because I was doing the majority of the things. It also was a bit eye opening, because I recognized a couple of things on the list that I felt I NEEDED to do, but was struggling with doing.

One of those things was having a pervasive reason for living. This may sound strange coming out of my mouth – I LOVE LIFE – everything about it. I do not chose to die. I’m not afraid to die, I know it will come for me eventually (Post Age 87) – and I do not fear what happens after death. But not wanting to die, is not the same as needing to live. While I “Want” to live, I have been struggling with what I NEED to do that makes me Need to live. — I mean I don’t have the – what I’m somewhat egotistically/little kid like – calling the easy path – I don’t have children. I don’t have another soul that is fruit of my loins that I must provide, care and support with my life essence making an easy no brainer “Need” — I have a loving husband – who sometimes I know might have an easier road without me. I have a loving dog, who also has my husband. I have a truly loving family and a very good circle of friends – all of whom I love and cherish – but I also know they are strong, and would be fine with or without me. This was not a need to live type of thing.

So while I recognized more than a year – closer to two years ago that this was something important, I have been struggling. So much so that I basically said “Fuck it” – lets just do the things we feel are most important, and let the reason come to us. You can’t really “think” yourself into a reason you need to live, you have to live it.

What this lecture series yesterday showed me, somehow was like a lightbulb in my head inspirational moment – thru its exercise on this step — It showed me that I’ve been doing this. Let me go back.

They did an exercise last night, where we had first Step A – if you were in optimal health and had 10 billion dollars – what would you be doing, where you would you be living, how would you be spending your time, with family/friends/loved ones – what would be bringing you joy.

This was an easy one for me, I wrote on and on filling quickly three business cards with details.

Step B – if you knew you would die suddenly in 1.5 years, you are in strong health now.

This one was also an easy one for me, I realized thats precisely what I have been doing for the past two years.

Step C – overlap the two. — This is where my moment of realization came from. — I realized that the one thing I have been “not” doing – and there are many valid and good reasons for this — but I realized that writing/blogging is the only thing between the two that I haven’t been doing. All of the heart of Step A I have been doing and I suddenly realized, while I don’t consider this of the 10 things on a “Done” thing – I do consider it to be more done than I’d realized. It was a moment of pure joy.

I have had some amazing experiences with my family and friends over the past two years – all of them because I felt strongly I needed to do them, and I made them happen.

I went on a two week vacation with my brother. I got to see a friends new home – he moved from California to Washington – from a suburban in the heart of the city place, to a country type area, with deer and nature in the back. It was a very different environment and I got to experience it. I got to ride with my brother driving a convertible thru the mountains, over the hot land, and generally tooling around. I got to see him relax, and experience a vacation.

I got to reconnect with my sister in florida, she came to visit and we got to spend time learning how each of us had evolved in our lives. It deepened our bond and made her feel like a real sister, instead of the distant step sister she has felt like since I was a teenager.

I got to reconnect with my Uncle and his family when they came out to visit. We got to spend time with them, and share Texas with them. It was a short visit, I was not super strong, we didn’t get to spend much time, but the time was quality and enjoyable.

I got to spend quality time with April and enjoy a Ren Fair – I haven’t done that in years, and its something I truly enjoy getting lost in the moment and exploring all the other people who are also there for the experience. April also made sure I got to spend alot of time with my nephew who I adore – and watch him learn and grow and experience life for the first time. We went to the park, I got to watch him interact, and she helped me get some of the physical activity I need badly. She turned me onto some healthier juices and things that are great for me, that are tricky for me.

I got to plan, and take an international trip to London with my younger sister. It was her first international trip, I got to be there, I got to see it. It was over my birthday, we shared that alone together, and made some incredible memories. I got to watch her explore, and adventure and love the city she wanted to visit on her own. My health was not very strong at this moment, and I had to by necessity take alot of downtime- more than I would in an ideal world take – I feel that some day I’ll get to have this type of experience again with her, perhaps with me in a condition to walk to the Prime Meridian instead of just getting to hear of her grand adventures.

I got to take a vacation with my mom – with my Uncle, and Aunt, and my brother to the Keys – a place I have always wanted to go but never really felt comfortable going to – from bad experiences in the Everglades in my younger driving years. My uncle loves the keys, and he got to share them with me. My health was particularly off – this was before the first radiation and the cancer in my head was making me so overwhelmingly tired, I missed out on some of the amazing adventures they had – but I was super happy to be there, and be able to share, and my family were together, and having a grand adventure and THIS is what my life needs are about. Enabling for other people to do the things that fill their heart. This is what fills my heart. I don’t always have to be there, but I have to know that rather than take a piece off of someones heart, someone’s dream I have somehow mended a piece they didn’t know was broken or bent. My uncle did a few driving tours, its almost like he knew I needed to be more a part but wasn’t really able. I did take sometime to enjoy the amazing views – they found this place to stay that was just fricken incredible. it has views on both sides, plenty of room to accomodate all of the adults, and an amazing view of the ocean.

I took another trip to Spokane to visit my friend, and bonded with his parents, got to explore Couer De Arlene, ID – a place Had very very very very low on my bucket list – my bucket list is thousands of places long, and while this was on there, it was very very remote – when I was working for the Gas industry company – I worked with a client/that was based in this city, you work with techs and owners for many remote companies, but these folks were amazing and incredible people. They were inspirational – even in horrible conditions, and I wanted to know why – how this area could drive that. After this visit with these little visits to see things, I can understand that now. Its an amazing place – we did a boat ride thing, and it was incredible. I took pictures and videos.

I did a Family Thanksgiving and had a Chef cater it 🙂 = this is something I’ve always wanted to do, and I found this amazing opportunity to get this incredible Chef that prepped everything and brought a hot wonderful meal to my house, so all I had to do was spend time with family and friends and enjoy the day – enjoy the experiences. While many of my family weren’t able to attend, it was a marvelous day of sharing and spreading joy and love.

I took my Family on a limo ride to see christmas lights. I’ve always wanted to go ride around and see the lights, to see them where we could all admire them, not have to have one person driving – or be squished. My mom had never ridden in a limo so this was an experience for her – we all got the opportunity to dress up and to share. We indulged in all the holiday treats – something I’d been avoiding for so long it was an incredible experience and made wonderful memories.

All of these things – And So so so so , many more – all of them were me working on the things that I need to do before I’m willing to leave this earth. I’m not done, I’m just getting started. I just didn’t’ realize until last night, that the important component that I was missing was writing or blogging about them. When I went to India, and I blogged from my heart about my experiences, the big ones and the small ones, and how they made me feel, how I felt in the moment, what I learned, and what I have as take aways – this is what I need to do. I need to write and feel these things, and I need to share them. The sharing them is what I Need to be doing. This is my purpose.

Feels good to realize that my higher self already knew these things, and has been trying to guide me to this information for quite a while.

There are several stories that have been tinkering around in my head for years – none of them pervasive enough to say “write me write me” – to be more descriptive with this, there used to be about twice as many, but I have found that many of my story ideas, if I don’t act on them, apparently they have a life of their own, and someone else has taken up the mantle and written them – mostly doing a fine job. They were good to read. I don’t know if I’d have written them as well or as – well a story is a story – no matter how its conveyed. The general idea and thought is there, and the writing is just a matter like cleaning of someone getting off their arse and doing it.

I have failed at this for most of my life, but I think its time for me to stop failing, and actually win at this game. Write something down, and see how it turns out. Its a little tricky for me, because I don’t remember how some of these twist and turn, but thats okay – I know the story will lead me along the path to where it needs to be – stories are like that they have a life of their own and tend to guide you where they wish to belong.

One of the worst parts about writing these is the editing. Right now, my mind is cloudy. They call it chemo brain, but really its just a combination of chemicals and head things tossing and turning, fighting for who will reign supreme and some days I get good days, where I almost feel normal, and I can almost sense things as they should be aligned. Most days right now, reading is a struggle – even if its my own story, my own writing. Its like trying to make a functional story out of vegetable soup. Sure its somewhat possible but the exercise is one of a little more frustration, and by gosh who ate that A – I needed that!

There is an expression about excuses being like well, arse holes. Everyone has one, and this is so so true. Some of my excuse isn’t actually excuse, but it does feel like on good days that I “should” be doing some of this. Blogging helps – it releases a little of the pent up creative desire to “go go go” its like making a snack when you are hungry though – it satisfies for the moment, but deep down that rumble comes back alot sooner.

This week is a treatment week – on Thursday – that means while I’m a little anxious – mostly I know that this is a “good week” for things, and that the next two will most likely be filled with less great days, less days of joy and prosperity and inspirational motivation and activation energy.

Today I start this lecture series, and I also have an appt to talk about goals with an unusual source, I’ll let you know how it goes after. I am trying a week “off” with my psychologist. Since I knew this would be a good week, I am testing out the waters of taking my sessions with her to every other week. The sessions with her are one of my few, predictable self care activities that are schedules and expected – that I can look forward to — I’m much of a hedonist – always have been, and so I literally have litanies of self care things – however most are just random and haphazard – appts with docs are not. She helps, I always feel great afterward, and with the “times” as they are, I’m on the fence about if going to every two weeks is a good idea or a poor idea for this point of life.

There are so many good things going on right now, I’ve engaged with so many people that are learning and evolving as humans. There are so many beautiful artistic visions coming out of this rubble – its like when you trim the flowers and sure they look all like stubble, but then they bloom – and the plant is so much stronger overall, and the blooms are so much more vibrant, lavish and overall alive. I feel this is a perfect example of how life is right now, we are trimming off all that dead wood, and learning the best way to strengthen our branches, and our bodies are preparing for those incredible blooms to sprout. I have watched so many people become the butterflies when they have been stuck in “do I cocoon? mode for so so long – its inspiring.

There is that song that was in the movie with Will Smith – Danger is real, but fear is a choice — seeing so many people chose to be strong, to not embrace fear. Feeling this energy, this life, this spirit all over our society. Its truly an amazing thing. Its like we have all been stuck in this elevator that won’t move, and we have chosen to empower each other and know that the solution is coming.

Waxing poetic is a good way to avoid working on my stories 🙂 it feels great, and while I know 100% its true, it still gives me a good old fashion work thing I accomplished that wasn’t what the plan or intention was…. The best of intentions…. I think it was the road to hell that was paved with that… Probably its likely the road to heaven is also paved with it – doesn’t make any sense that they would have used the stones for one but not for the other.

There are some trips I have in the back of my mind for “this is where I’m going” – I want to go back to India, I want to go to Australia, and New Zealand – I want to walk across the San Francisco Bridge. – I want to go to Banff and Iceland – There are experiences I intend to have, places I intend to behold and wonder at their amazing presence. For now, gotta work thru these body things, and get myself strong.

Today I had to start this survey thing – I was recommended for this lecture series called “radical remission” by my acupuncturist – she is an incredible person in my life, and its part of a program thing she is studying/learning/sharing. The idea of Radical Remission is that there are certain individuals with the – well that refuse to get cancer and die… they put there cancer into remission – somehow, that science, doctors and most of the “logic” based side of society doesn’t quite understand – I mean bluntly if they did they would be somewhat “oath” bound to help everyone with cancer – not just leave it to those of us that are stubborn enough that we refuse to die. – I digress.

So I signed up for this lecture series – and there is a Harvard school study – probably some groups PHD 🙂 – one can hope, one can dream – studying “does this lecture series help” … and they had this “voluntary study” you could opt into if you are doing the lecture series, but it has really no benefit, so one has to basically be willing to jump thru these hoops for the betterment of others in humanity – I mean face it, it’s not going to help me with radical remission by filling out this survey. What I am doing is working – as proof by the amount of time I’ve stayed alive, and also by the fact that I’m not dead. This is something, I not only have interest in however, but I have a strong belief and hope that maybe someday, there will be a smarter, kinder approach to helping people that have fallen off the path and developed cancer, to guide them back to a path that is easier, less painful and ultimately better for humanity as a whole. Every life matters. Cancer sucks.

I opted to help with this survey. They warned that it could take up to 6 hours to complete these questionares and while I figured they were bluntly overly exaggerating I also figured I would ponder and decide if I wanted to do it. The obligation would be to complete the first one prior to the start of the lecture, one during the lecture and one after the lecture with the request that I send a copy of my medical records at some point to verify/validate my diagnosis. – this doesn’t have to be before, it can be at any point within a reasonable thing. They also warn that there is a possibility that the data may not be completely confidential – although the do promise to protect according medical guidelines…. so its more a matter of specific compensation and a commitment to help – which I can opt out of at anytime.

So I started the survey, it didn’t take nearly as long as they suggested it might – but it was pretty thorough and comprehensive. They are basically asking “what have you been doing for the past month” – including food, holistics, spiritual…. and general conditions overall from beginning, to now of diagnosis. It took me the better part of 2 hours.

When I was in high school – I was in chorus – there was a song we learned – I don’t recall the name 🙂 being horrible with names, of the artist of the song – just some of the lyrics – and apparently some of the “choir songs” aren’t as easy to find as recorded musical lyrics are – I remember the lyrics – after hours and hours of performing – or maybe the problem with finding the song is that I am “remembering” the lyrics with my own personal “Alethia spin” aka – incorrect lyrics 🙂 This is a humorous thing from way back, with many many times I have transliterated lyrics in my hearing. Sufficed to say – the lyrics for this song went “Everyone has a dream for the future, each of us has a special goal”…. “Why sit back pave the way for the future” …”With courage and faith as your constant companions, you’ll never face trials alone”…. “with faith that is strong you will never be abandoned, believe in yourself and success is your own”…… it was a hoppy tune, and it pops into my head as I think about this survey.

I realized so much lately I’ve been focusing on the present, and on the future….. and some of those things are bluntly somewhat unpleasant, and uncomfortable. But in completing this survey, I realized, it gave me a moment to pause and realize precisely how much I’ve accomplished. It showed me a few areas where I have fallen off my course… not oblivious to me, but very difficult to turn the ship slightly into another channel… but this gave me renewed vigor to set the boat on the correct channel again. …. It allowed me to see, that bluntly the things I have done over the past – more than 2 years since recurrence, are why I’m still alive to do this…. and the areas where I’m fighting myself and my “I don’t wannas” … it gave me strength to say “yes, yes we do”… it also was just uplifting in a way that no one else can be… Being proud of myself is something I have not been overly good at most of my life – but this was a time to realize, not only can I do this, but damn skippy I’m getting better at it! Dunno if this feeling is any more clearly defined into expression. It just felt empowering. Go me!

I feel pretty strongly that I should be writing more. Its just often, I don’t know precisely what I want to say, sometimes paper seems hollow and a needy child that often doesn’t feel like mine, whom I’m constantly feeling the need to find their parents. Shoo Shoo paper, another day will come when I have words to fill you…. But maybe the day is now, and maybe the page is here before me so I can hope and dream here.

Things to ponder as I sip on my water and my homemade “dirty chai” – thank god for coffee, thank god for so many things. Life feels pretty good.

There is a song from one of my favorite musicals – Camelot – when the new / future queen is going to meet Arthur – and she is singing “its May” – Great song and it always seems to pop into my head this day – every year – this one is a particular one since I’ve found out that so many of my favorite people are expecting – the result of the lusty month of May a bit early 🙂 Babies to come all around.

Have had some weird interesting things lately – most of them just too bizarre even for me to blog. Suffice to say the rollercoaster of emotions is real, its been a up down and circular event for a solid week.

I go twice a week for a treatment/steroid shot and blood work – at this facility, they ask a litany of questions, and take my temp before I’m able to enter the facility – there was a new list of “questions” today – which I bust out laughing about — its not a funny thing – but the lady asked me “how is your appetite? are you experiencing a lack of hunger?” – I laughed because no, no I’m not. Can confirm, cookie monster is now living in my belly – well he is sharing space with the plant monster from little shop of horrors — feed me Alethia, feed me all day and night long.

Just perpetually hungry. When I eat, to the point of being “full” almost stuffed – which is actually kinda hard to do when your chewing every bite 35-40 times – you get full pretty quickly. – When I eat to the point of “full” or “stuffed” – it takes about 45 minutes before my stomach is like “we could eat again” 0r “man that xyz thing…” – usually heavy carb, sometimes with bad things in it – “… sure sounds tasty right now” — if I ignore this feeling – it tends to amplify over the next hour or so – and the longer I wait, the harder it is to redirect it to a “lets have a carrot or something else healthy instead”

Praying helps some – asking for divine intervention to get my cravings under control is helpful. Angels are the first to understand the bad temptations. So asking for some assistance, usually works pretty fast, and if its a true need to feed thing, suddenly something a tad healthier sounds a tad less icky.

Carbs are on the menu right now, only because something in the meds they are giving me – either the ones to prevent seizures, or the potassium/magnesium mega dose, or the chemo or the hormone suppression – something about this cocktail is making it so that the “bar” is serving carbs. This is great, I like carbs, we have been friends all my life – it seems fitting for them to be helping me heal.

I do feel like I’m healing, but man this chemo is harsh. This is the good week though, so just enjoying the time and the bliss.

Have quite a few friends, and most of them are staying safe, but some of them are having a more harsh time with the realities of quarantine. Truth be told it isn’t a walk in the park for me, but being as how I have to be out so much of the time for treatments I feel blessed to be able to have a valid and true reason to get out and enjoy the sun a couple times a week.

I remember in high school was the first time that the christian church heavily published a “day” when the end of the world was coming – it came and went and it made the next few times seem alot less prophetic. This however, does seem very revelationesq – maybe its noteworthy or a time I should re-read – just hate all the re-publications of the bible – the recent interpretations are … well they are alot harder to sift through the interpretations or propaganda and get to the message from god.

I read the quran a few years back – and it was interesting – like all hermetic texts – the messages in it were — well clearly inspired holding beauty and truth in allegory and prophetic text. Its worth noting, that my perspective on the bible should probably apply to this text as well, as I’m certain it has also had many interpretations that have in an attempt to make it mass ready and to convey a message been … transliterated with the best of intentions.

I wonder if there are any books that get revised that are NOT transliterated. I wonder which of them is more true in the transliteration. Makes me wonder about the bible as a whole, as it was translated so so so so so many times during the middle ages. Would be an enlightening and humbling experience to read the older versions. – Guess I’d need to be a catholic priest to have any hope of that – wrong sex I suppose.

Got a new spiritual job today, not exactly allowed to talk much about it, just supposed to “do” – actions always speak louder than words, and the comfort for me is – if your getting jobs, it means your not dying 🙂

I realized when I told someone this earlier today, the truth of it, and how it sort of inspired me – sometimes I do need an ego pat on the proverbial back — it was two years three months ago when I was given three months to live – still kicking – I’m like the human energizer bunny – I run on caffeine and hopes – Thank God the coffee still flows in this rough times – think god for P for finding and fetching me some of the creamer I most prefer for my coffee. Life is good. Keep me caffeinated and all things are possible

Many thank you’s and blessings to all the wonderful people in my life. I love you and I’m blessed to have you here. People make the world. Its people we enjoy, compete with, speak of, talk to, hug, adore, love, care about, worry about – they drive most of our emotions, most of our actions stem from them. Its people that drive us nuts, make us impatient, make us angry and drive us to do crazy things. Have to remember we love them, they are part of us, we are part of them, and with their help and love all things are possible. God watches us and has a plan, but he also gave us free will to make it harder or easier on ourselves. Gotta come together right now…. (its amazing to me how circular all lessons, all experiences and all emotions are…. Gotta keep flipping the circle back to best possible outcomes.)

Much Love, Much Light, much hope for days filled with overwhelming joy and boundless blessings of infinite possibilities.

Today I asked P if he thought this was what alzheimer’s was like – where I know there is a piece of information that I am / want to access, and I know its in my head, but the damn thing might as well be locked behind fortknox – the good one, where no one ever goes in, no one ever goes out.

Many things, useless and valuable things are locked up right now for me, its like playing pictionary sometimes, when I can get enough sidebar to play and use it to help – with the loving attentions of the people who care for me. Let me qualify this – there have always been a few things that I just have blind spots for in my head — I’ve never been a name dropper, especially people who believe they are famous because they are able to carry a toon, display an emotion that everyone can understand or appreciate, or elicit an emotion – those people are just human like the rest of us, and I have a hard enough time remembering my bosses, my coworkers, and the people who work in my life to enhance and make it easier – thank you Efrim for running an incredible starbucks and teaching a whole generation of starbucks employees to be worthy enough to hold memory for names in my head. Names get into my memory when the person goes above and beyond as a human being, and shows that they are worth of my precious memory – not before – I suppose I also remember the horrendous ones, as an example of what never to be or do.

These days, this – what was once kinda just one area, where I could pull enough reference things to get someone else who values these names, to come up with this information that society values, but I don’t – now its much more – many of the things that I DO VALUE – that I need, that I want, they just aren’t there at the moment I need them – sometimes just not really there at all period.

Moments have to be repeated. Like when I ask the question XYZ – and five minutes later – sometimes I remember asking the question, often not, and I ask it again – like the merry go round of my brain. The answer is usually important for some tangible reason, and usually its not terrible to be asking it again, just mildly annoying I’m sure. Feels like the little kid going “why, but Why” but Why? – except its not a why question, and I’m not asking to hear the answer again or to enjoy the quality of the voice of the speaker, I’m asking because it was important and it just didn’t stick in my brain.

I’m trying to appreciate the fact that most of the things just don’t matter, the goal is to keep swimming. Most of the things will heal themselves – as it is what is commonly referred to as “chemo brain” coupled with so many other factors and things that I strongly believe are temporary. I have had these experiences before, much like a storm on the beach – I know that they will pass, and that they will resolve themselves, and while there maybe damage, its likely to be short lived, and there will be more or different brain cells for me to teach to do these things, patterns to help me, I am a smart and capable woman. Just have to stop shooting the messenger right now when its so confounded frustrating that I just can’t get that word of the name of the thing that I’m trying to order because its almost out – and I could just go fetch the bottle – but I read the bottle – out loud just before I came out to search and order it. This too shall pass, Alethia, this too shall pass.

Texas has the best things, and the worst things – Allergies. Please seasons, come to the next the “non Allergy season” so my sinus’s will stop trying to stage a revolt and pound in my head. This is one of my pains during isolation, no Acupuncture, no help/relief for this torture.

So many things to be grateful for in this decade of gratitude. Mostly I’ll be extremely grateful for all the learning that people are experiencing and having right now during this time. Its like we all magically get to go to the best school in the world for a brief period and just learn – at our own pace, thru our own baggage and experience a different sort of life- a part of me is so grateful and thankful that everyone is getting to have this experience – its the one I’ve been learning thru since 2016 with cancer, and its the one that most people with cancer experience, as well as most retirees that become less mobile, or aged relatives that are no longer to actively participate in the societal trials of life – they just get to experience the trials of basic necessities. Its a good thing, from a cultural diversity experiment for everyone to have a little personal experience with this, to help build a better, stronger world, and overall potentially a happier society.

I am grateful that we still have electric, water, sewer removal, trash removal and hell we even still have starbucks and delivery. Decade of Gratitude rocks!

I am so thankful for my family, for their staying strong. Its going to be an exciting year for us all. I’m happy to be making positive verifiable progress along my journey. Its overall inspiring.

P took his vacation, and although we didn’t get to take the trip we had planned, the staycation has been amazing. We have another week, and we are enjoying each others company, and getting some projects done together, just great times to be had.

Its kind of a funny thing, I said to the universe last year, when I returned from my trip to Spokane that I really needed a way to get the vitality for life out of something within my home and homebody experiences. I have been struggling with this, and I was longing for the escape that the Oregon trip – I’m kinda an odd lazy about these things, because suddenly when I had a trip on the horizon it was like “oh we can work on this “how to do thing later when the trip is over. The universe said to me “nah” that aint how this works sister – you set out an intention – lets see if we can make this happen for you — I mean, I didnt mean to cause the spanish inquisition, but hrmmmm I did set an intention – my bad – guess I’ll have to get this resolution to my stir craziness – my finding peace in the harmony of my home. Learning all around.