Sadness. Its one of the emotions I have not had space for in my life. Its one that my coping mechanism has always been – bury this or just set it aside, and feel like its released. I have not “dealt” with this emotion in my life. That is not to say I haven’t been exposed – many many times. Its just, when I was young, and I was crying – well I have a couple memories of this to be fair, but the one that seems appropriate is the one where my grandmother, explained to me that my sadness was just short sighted.

The sadness was over the fact that I was trying to control a situation and she explained that it was silly to be sad. I took this, she told me to cry, clean up and then come back out. I took this. I filed it, built pathways, and this has just always been my way of dealing with sadness. Have a personal cry alone, clean up and move on. The sadness is not gone, or dealt with, its just I’m not allowed to feel it.

I’ve come to realize that this is not the healthiest coping mechanism.

I’ve watched other people wallow – its very easy to judge others for needing more time, when you haven’t been taking the necessary time?

What is the necessary time to wallow? To feel “sad” – I don’t know these things.

Talking to my therapist today, she didn’t have an answer either. I’ve watched people I love – still years and years later still able to recall the sadness of a situation – this isn’t something I’m very easily if at all able to do. Somehow this feels a little broken. The strength has always been nice, the ability to talk and share and help someone else when they are feeling sad – has always felt nice. But maybe its not the healthiest thing. Maybe having time to embrace that sadness is a good thing.

The universe has decided maybe its time for me to have or develop a better mechanism for dealing with this emotion.

Depression is one of the scariest, deadliest things for people in my condition – dealing with the big C – science has proven that being depressed shortens your lifespan by 25% regardless of conditions but its easier for them to research this with patients that are always sick. Depression isn’t something I’ve ever been overly concerned with, because I just don’t hold onto or experience the sadness that leads to it.

But now, with these things, that are just making me truly sad, having nothing to do with my condition – just things that are so external to me, just bringing me to a pulse of tears, its easily understandable why people get depressed, and how they fall down this rabbit hole. I can see the rabbit hole right now – and I feel so ironic about this – I feel like the universe wants me to be able to have new tools for experiencing sadness, for truly understanding it – and that its going to keep pushing me into situations until I have a method for embracing this sadness and using IT to get stronger, instead of using my strength to move past it without owning it.

I feel like owning sadness has some benefit. I’m not sure I understand it, but much the way that traveling the world has benefit for educating you on other lives, other experiences, other highs and lows, sadness is something that has benefit – how can you truly help someone that is in the midst of it, without having embraced your own experiences of sadness.

I feel this is a learning time for me, and the harder I try and avoid or follow along my learned coping mechanisms – the more I’ll be afforded opportunities to be more sad. So I’m working hard to embrace these situations I have of sadness, but how long is enough? What am I to learn from these? How do I avoid them pushing me down this rabbit hole? I mean my old coping mechanism could just show me the good, the bright side, the learning from the experience – how do I embrace the loss? without minimizing it, and still seeing and loving the bright side. There is always a bright side. Life is a balance. The sadness is valid, the brightside is valid. Sadness is there, and needed, but its not forever, its not to be held on or overvalued. Its there to help make the happy taste better, to be better. Maybe learning this balance, will help me experience happy stronger.

I’m trying to grow. My little starbuck and I are still trying to redevelop trust. I’m just sad when I look at him, and remember all the times as a pup that I held him and loved him so unconditionally, I’m trying not to be so sad about the incident, and to see the good of it, and to understand that it was just an accident, to try not to flinch when he comes to me. It isn’t the same as it was. I have been bitten by other dogs before, this wasn’t the first. Starbuck as nipped at me unsuccessfully before. I think part of why its so sad, is that we were both mostly sleepy, and so he bit harder, more aggressively, and I was not fast, and my skin is so thin – so it was worse than it would have been given other conditions. Its not the end of the world, but my trust is just not there – he knows it, I know it. We are trying to rebuild that, and I’m trying to embrace this sad, but its not easy.

Today he came and sat on my lap and gave me a hug. It felt good, its been a few days before I let him do that. I need him – especially in this hug deficit. He was one of the unconditional ones that I still need strongly. So this sadness needs to be fixed, but it also needs to teach me. To allow me to embrace this sadness, to learn and evolve and understand it.

I don’t know how long sadness is supposed to last, I don’t know how long is enough. Given that time is an illusion, I guess its forever and never. So its not about how long as about, how long for me.

No more burying or holding on to sadness, time to let it go – thanks Elsa.

Or rather, in other parts of this life time. I was an avid attender of a particular church – and we had this incredible presentation – show from the performance group “The continental singers” – it was Joseph and the technicolor coat – or just “dreamer” – it was many many years ago – but its one of the first albums that I memorized the lyrics. One of my favorite singers at the time at the church performed this song. And the lyrics have stuck with me thruout.

“When god closes a door, he opens a window” – Song here, it has a bit of preamble but its really beautiful over all: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=slEheK0cfOg

Suffice to say, during the entirety of my life it has often provided comfort to me. Just the knowing that no matter how much I feel frustrated or sad about conditions or the way things seem to be progressing, I have faith that they will evolve, and that I have visibility to see them as they progress – not to mention that if I ever feel trapped, a window is normally large enough to escape where I am.

I’m not really a person inclined to depression. I know its a real thing, and I know that in my particular case its – well science has proven that depression shortens lives. Its not a condition I would ever chose to get stuck in, and my heart and strength goes out to those that don’t have the ability to remove themselves from depression.

Depression is not the same as sadness. This week, has been just overflowing with sadness. With people forgetting they are human, and share time and space with other humans. With strange things, that have just caused me to tear up over small things. Things mostly beyond my control, but my heart feeling like there should be some way I can help, someway I can shake things and show people the beauty, the love, the hope.

We all make mistakes. Whether it be me, in telling P “sure that shelf will hold this stuff, it looks plenty stable” – and being wrong – oh so wrong. The shelf could NOT hold the things, it fell, and took a good bit of the wall with it – it damaged a few of the things we placed on it – and thoroughly broke two pretty solid totes. This was my mistake.

I don’t think larger mistakes are any less good or bad than little mistakes. Mistakes, are just that mistakes. They are however slightly different from choices. Choices are where we select to continue an action that is hurtful to someone else, something else, to a condition. I’m not free of having done this, although I would say I tend to think about ramifications of my choices way too much.

Sometimes choices aren’t something we are aware of consciously – there was an episode of Star Trek once, where they visited this rural earth based planet with this species of energy sprite beings, and the “old one” explained to the visitors “Sometimes the very young do not do what they are told” – as he was explaining to the visitors that they needed to leave – they being the “very young” – – I think many on our planet are these same “very young” – I don’t know honestly that I am not. I am certain there are people and energy beings that are older and wiser than me – older and wiser not always going hand in hand together. Just because someone is older – doesn’t make them wiser, and the reverse – someone can be very young and still be wise.

I feel alot of the bombardment of sadness right now, is because of very young not doing what they were told. The impacts of this is a cause for great sadness. When its someone we feel “should” have known better, its very easy to judge, and to group up everyone as “in this category” but it doesn’t necessarily make it any more correct. The mistake is still the mistake, and while one person doing a mistake is not a guarantee others will not make the same mistake, its also not a promise they will.

One person can stand next to another – one can end up sick the other can be healthy with no concerns. We are all unique snowflakes, and while we share many things the same, we have more differences than there are stars in the sky.

Supporting the positive will always have more lasting effect than the reverse of lingering on the negative or lingering in the sad. But I have to say, I’m being challenged on this right now. The sad – I feel as though I’ve moved a little too deep in the ocean, and I’m treading water, and the waves of sad keep threatening to overtake me. But I can see the shore, and I know if I stay calm, remember I am loved, remember I love the ocean, I love all of the life – that eventually the ocean will take me back to the shore. Breath, and relax.

My love and heartfelt warmth and light to all those struggling like me with this sadness. While its easier to stay in the sadness, to spread the sadness, to lament and share the sadness. The hope, the love, the gratitude for where we are, what we have, and knowing that the window is there, and this too will pass, and the mistakes of yesterday will not always define who we are now or tomorrow. We learn, we evolve, and we improve. I am grateful for the love, I am grateful for life. I embrace this sadness, and I release it.

Prequel – this post is sad. Sorry – very sad. Please don’t read this if you aren’t in a position to handle it. Love you – posts won’t always be sad, sometime I’ll get back to the bouncy happy things. Life has just thrown me a few bones yet, and I haven’t figured out how to make soup yet.

There is a song – (as usual) that sorta culminates in what I’m feeling right now. …. Lyrics here – Pure Energy by Information Society – many many thoughts on my mind.

Had an incident with Starbuck last night, probably me thinking he was awake and he wasn’t. Normally we do a quick cuddle in the middle of the night when I wake for the nightly reminder that I’m alive and that I’ve had enough water. When I come back to the bed, normally I check in with him this time he bit me. Five spots, three broke the skin. Scared me but overall, just made me very sad. He has done this before with strangers, and even with other people when they have gone towards him in a way that I thought was him perceiving it as dangerous. Never before with me.

I don’t typically watch or listen to the news. P & D keep me advised thru social media and also thru general conversation of “things” when they are ones I should know about…. They have recently filled me in on all of the things that make me quite sad to be a white woman these days.

One of the projects around the house that P and I have been working on was in the newly empted back bedroom – as R has moved out, so we have this space that we are defining. We moved the games out of his office, which was great as it gave him space badly needed for his components – we moved the games into this space, and it turns out one of the shelves we thought was sound was not – turns out it ripped a big chunk out of the wall and everything was humpty dumpty all over the floor.

So many little things, so many big little things, so many things in general. My heart hurts. I’ve been letting myself cry a bit, which is a rare thing for me. It still feels alot like feeling sorry for myself, and reminds me of a conversation I had with my grandmother when I was very young, and is probably part of the reason that I don’t cry very much – very often – until now. Trying to let go of some of this pent up stored up emotion that has just been kept inside.

Makes me think of this song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kNodHg73TO4 – Come on people now smile on your brother, everybody get together try to love one another right now.

I think about all the people who I love that are stuck doing things that are normal things but at this point are so much more dangerous. Like my cousins in law enforcement. My sister in medical. My brother in retail – yeah retail – exposure is exposure. Just makes me wonder and worry a bit.

I am grateful for the good things, the blessings in my life that keep me sane, that keep me positive, hopeful and happy. I am grateful that P works in a place where he will be able to work remotely for a few more months – where we can continue to grow and bond and drive each other nuts here at home. I have a deficiency in my hug quotient. P is working to fill this, but he isn’t really a huggy person and he is one man. Maybe this will evolve him, maybe I will turn him into a big huggy bear after all. The thing about hugs, is they are scientifically proven to release the good hormones in both people. More hugs, more health, more positivity.

We are all energy beings, so I suppose energy hugs are just as effective as physical – but I don’t know if that has been scientifically tested or not – maybe someone will use this time as a test for it. I just know, there is no such thing as “too many hugs”

Hug on people, hug on.

There was a song/ride at Epcot – one of my favorite theme parks in Disney World – “Imagination” — and it was a wizard guy flying a balloon with a baby purple dragon – flying around and talking about fantasy things – trying to inspire imagination. I’ve always had a super hyper active imagination. This is something that has not diminished with any conditions in my life.

Fanciful things always fill my head. When I hear or see something my mind immediately thinks of whimsy. For example, I’m doing a project in my bathroom of taking out and organizing all the “things” in there. One of the things is a package of “Gouze” from HEB> its actually “gauze” and it is actually spelled correctly, but they did NOT use the correct type font for an A so from a distance – say the toilet, it looks for all the world like HEB is selling Gouze to cover your wounds. I asked P about this and he thought it was my whimsy but when he looked he was like “wow, this is actually a major thing they did wrong” I’ll post a picture on facebook of this for those that recognize HEB and the fact that apparently They too have whimsy 🙂 or just newbie marketing people.

So I’ve decided no more Luperone since I’m pretty sure its causing me a ton of bad bad side effects that are more than minorly painful. In the interest of “wow lets get this crap out of my system” I went to the oracle “google” to ask – “google, how this Luperone metabolised” several other polls later, and many webpage searches, I found out that they don’t know yet. This drug got FDA approval with out all the proper information…. in 99. No one has actually resolved this answer since that time. Basically my searching netted me information that said “some people have side effects for 5 years. FIVE YEARS – NFW. Not me boy. So I prayed.

Often times when I pray, I get answers in my dreams, this was no exception. So I was going deep into my body, into the cells, looking for the Luperone, and it manifest in my dreams as these weird … things… like a snail without a shell – or like a long parasite. There were several, in the places one might expect of a hormone suppression drug, on my ovaries, on my uterus, on my pituitary gland, on my breasts. There was one – a rather large one that was on my vertebrae, just snuggled up. So I started talking to this thing – we are going to name him “roger” for no apparent reason other than not having a name makes it harder to continue to explain our discourse.

Roger and I did introductions, and I explained that he was causing me pain. He explained that wasn’t his objective, but that the rest of his “family” had taken all the vital spots for hormone production, so he went to my bones to try and “block/leech” the hormone there. I explained this was not ideal, and that he was hurting me in this process, not helping and that his tail? That is what we agreed to call it was flicking my nerve and causing me excruciating pain.

I asked Roger if there wasn’t somewhere else he could go “do his job” – he explained his children and grandchildren had the other areas covered. He walked me thru my body and somewhat introduced me to the other family members. Also the fast food place they had constructed inside my digestive area – a palace of sorts, taking up residence there that was causing some distress to my “good” bacteria, and also causing me some gastric distress. I politely explained to him that he would need to find another place to stay or he would need to leave.

He explained he was bigger than some of the other family, so he was having a rough time. I asked if someone couldn’t just move to the tubes – since there had to be things there that they could “take care of” – all of the conversation at this point was pleasant.

He tried to get some of his family to swap around, to enable him to have a place to “plant” that wasn’t causing me pain. His family begrudgingly tried this, and lets just say the complaining was spectacular. These wormy type of thingies, were moving all over trying to curl up and find spaces to be happy. It wasn’t working.

The family were all different sizes, the “grand children” which were actually the first ones to enter my body – were actually the smallest, and they were curled inside and content. I asked Roger to just sit with the eggs, its not like they were going anywhere, and they would make a feast for him. He agreed while they would, he was much happier around my spine.

I prayed for some advice. The direction I was given was, you asked how to get rid of these guys. Pop off their body, and flush it out. So I started with the medium ones – which seemed to indicate to me that the first two treatments – judging by the size and locations, were a smaller dose of this drug than the third and fourth, but I’d have to remember to check with my doctor about this, and its not really relevent anymore.

Well, I went in and popped the tail off one of these guys, and picked up the head and the tail and flushed them in my proverbial toilet, I’m not sure my colon was happy about this, but it worked out pretty well in this dream of being a toilet.

Roger didn’t seem to care about my killing off his parents, but he also didn’t seem to want to move off the hurting spot. so he was next to go. Then I decided it was time for the Mc’D’s in my gut to go, and I can’t tell you how much more comfy my tummy was when I basically took my good bacteria, rallied them up and we basically blew up that place. we picked up all the rubble and they let me know that the rubble would serve as food for some of the residents, so they would take care of the clean up.

I went on to the rest of these little guys and I found I was quite enjoying popping off tails and picking them up and flushing them. I worked thru the entire rest of my body and cleared them out. Woke up this morning, and my colon let me know it was time for the follow up flush.

Now I know that this was just a dream, but man I woke up feeling alot better. Now just muscular Sciatic issues, which I know how to deal with…. gut feels better, back feels better.

No five years for me boy, Roger had to go. Roger, wilco and out.

Lyric from one of my favorite Pocahantas songs. Today a sad thing happened.

In the radical remission workshop, there were a couple of folks I hit it off with – one of them was a lady named Bunny. During one of the early activities, she mentioned how she really loved the colors that a few of the people used, and how she didn’t have them to color up her sheet. She shared from her breakout session how “fun” was one of the things that was missing in her chart.

This was a call to action to me, as a person that finds fun in everything – all the time – how can we make xyz frustrating chore fun – lets do it. Fun is king. Happiness and fun – hand in hand in a perpetual dance of love and joy. I posted on the RR forum – LETS GET BUNNY SOME COLORED PENCILS STAT!! to get her attention, I got communicating with her, and immediately got some pencils and a coloring book sent off to her.

She was stunned by my gift, didn’t know how to react, but she was so grateful. We started talking nearly every day. Just quick notes, sharing our enjoyment from the sessions, and she sharing her excitement over these gifts. Once they got there she shared pictures that she did with me. She was truly enjoying them – and I was just super happy I got to be a part of this enjoyment.

She had such a happy spirit, at the end of the RR workshop sessions, they would do dance party sessions with empowering feel good music, and she would always be dancing – from a bed where she was stuck – and she would hold up her most recently colored photo to share, so I could see how much joy my gift had brought her.

I felt last night, what has been called in other worlds “a disturbance in the force” – really its just I told P I felt “off” – couldn’t place it – I’ve been overly tired so I just went to bed early. I had weird dreams – but that seems to be the norm for me lately.

Got up after many many hours of sleep, was doing my morning things, checked my mail. There was an email from C – Bunny’s wife. She communicated to let me know Bunny had passed away in the night. She wanted to express to me how much the “colors” had meant to Bunny – how in her last weeks she had used them every day, and enjoyed happily the brightness and possibilities they brought to her life. I know its important to receive, and I know this is the universe letting me receive this – to receive the goodness that my actions – my giving generated for someone else.

I wasn’t super close to Bunny – she was just a kindred spirit on a journey that had some parallels to mine. When I first told her I had gotten the colors, she was not good at receiving, she had written back with a slightly snarky reply. I laughed at this, and basically just chose to ignore it, and just smother her with kindness. We all need friends to get by with…. Her condition is not mine. Her situation is not mine. Her passing is not an overly sad thing, she was in alot of discomfort, and now she is at rest.

Sail well Bunny. Hope to the colorful universal places that a rabbit should enjoy filled with Joy and colors. The cool part about being dead, or so I’ve heard, is that you get to fart colors. So this is something I know she will enjoy. Its like the carebear stare coming out of everywhere imaginable. May your journey to Valhalla pass quickly and with all the joy that life brought to you.

This is a personal opportunity for me to grieve and allow the grief I have stored in many of my cells to release and evolve from my body. Grief is a part of life, and allowing these to pass out of me is a hopeful thing. I’m sad to lose my friend Bunny. I’m grateful for the opportunity to grieve her, and consider my lose, and the past losses I have failed to embrace and release. Thank you Universe for allowing me to meet her, allowing me to hold her so close to my heart, and allowing me to learn how to grieve. She was an incredible spirit, and her passing is teaching me how to embrace and release. Thank you for my grief, may it help me become stronger, and live a brighter lighter existance.

Had a far out dream last night – this is a little odd for me to be saying because I have ALOT of far out dreams but this one – kinda took the cake. I was riding a motorcycle/dirt bike thing. I don’t honestly know if it was more of a motorcycle or more of a dirt bike. I have ridden on both before, but I haven’t ever driven them. I didn’t know this was something my mind had contemplated about, but apparently it had…

I was riding trying to find R – was a little odd, because I was in a place, like a city I haven’t really – well I don’t recall being in it. There were these shopping center places, and there were these patches of grass, and I was kinda off roading, and then at another moment I was driving on the freeway.

Due to conditions, I haven’t really driven in close to two years at this point, so its a little odd to begin with, but the stress of merging on the highway – well it was super realistic, and there was another “motorcycle or dirtbike driver that was kinda cutting me off between a truck” – so it was a little stressful even in the dream.

There was this bridge, I didn’t drive over, sorta like the one in Georgetown. Then the offroading part was like kinda driving thru the grassy dirt patch, and I was kinda having to struggle to hold the bike vertical, it kept leaning different sides, it also didn’t want to keep moving, it was getting stuck in the ground.

The feeling was pretty realistic, then I realized that I must have passed where R was walking, so I turned around to head back. Apparently we had been at some shopping center thing, with this movie theatre, and he had been walking to X destination, and I got on the bike to catch up to him – as I had been delayed at the theatre.

The theatre was pretty sweet, it was sorta like the paramount, except it was a movie theatre, old school style.

Overall the experience sorta made me wonder why I haven’t ever tried to drive a motorcycle. Its not exactly that I’ve ever wanted to drive one exactly just sorta that I’ve been curious – curious kitten always.

Dreams are such an interesting thing – always telling you things you didn’t expect, and showing you things that are in a perspective very different from what you expect.

I slept super long today – having gone to bed early one could say I slept longer than I was awake. I’m coming to realize that my body requires more time for rest than I’ve been allowing it. I’ve been trying to rewire the part of me that doesn’t want to allow this, with increasing success. I actually woke up after about 12 hours of sleep and wanted to sleep some more, so I took meds, and laid back down and slept another couple of hours. Its amazing to me how much better I feel after long sleeps verses short sleeps. Just getting my brain and head to wrap around the concept that sleep is a happy thing.

One of the more amusing things is that Starbuck “decides” when it’s time for me to get up. He will go lay outside of the door, and either breath heavily like long pent up sighs, or he will lightly scratch the door and then lay back down wait a few minutes and repeat. He gets so excited when I finally get up like “thanks human I have been waiting forever for this” Although, truthfully he does enjoy going to bed earlier, and he enjoys when I sleep too. P said last night he curled up on the pillow next to my head, I was too asleep to tell confirm, although doesn’t surprise me, he is always checking up on me to make sure I’m okay and resting well.

Here is to more long sleeps and good rests going forward.

So we have been shopping with delivery. I’ve been craving a sweet treat that was an instant “tasty” thing. HEB had these frozen things, “No sugar added” it said – Strawberry Frozen fruit bars….. No ingredient list – I should have googled, but I didn’t… Mia Culpa – I get them in our delivery today – so fast… and the ingredient list is a mess – sure it has “no sugar” in the classic sense of the word “sugar” – but it has 4 types of sugar that are almost as bad as high fructose.

” Ingredients:

Water, Strawberries, Sorbitol, Concentrated Grape and Strawberry Juice Concentrate, Less than 2% of Glycerin, Maltodextrin, Polydextrose, Natural Flavor, Guar Gum, Locust Bean Gum, Dextrose, Citric Acid, Ascorbic Acid and Potassium Sorbate (Preservatives), Artificial Color (Red 40), Sucralose.”

4 types of easily recognized/identified “not technically sugar, but higher glycemic than sugar” – poisons that I could chose to put in my body. Mostly I’m left feeling very sad at myself for failing to assume that they were lying with their “no sugar added” – sad sad times.

There is a song from top gun “I need a hero” – which is my alternative way of saying “is no one able to be honest in marketing anymore?” Maybe they weren’t ever- please let’s call sugar all of the names that it is…. These are actually far far worse than sugar as they actually all have a higher glycemic level than “real honest to goodness sugar” has – but really – frozen strawberries – why do they need sugar at all? they are pretty sweet to begin with, and I see that you have added juice to them already – so they should be very very sweet even without all these poisons. One may never know.

A friend reminded me the other day, that all of the chemo drugs – all of them are carcinogenic. This is something I’ve already known for a long time, even before original diagnosis. Its kinda confusing to me why to fight something we have to put in the very things that if we had not had in our lives to begin with may have not caused this problem.

Where does the line between reality and fiction rest? Maybe there isn’t a line, and we are all just living in fiction anyway.

I’ve been devoting little times to my project, and its slow but it is definitely coming along. Each time it feels a little bit like progress, and while it still has far to go, I do feel like this work is satisfying. Like it’s bringing me to a better place that will produce a happier result. Its a little project – I decided to clean out my bathroom closet, which had sorta become a catch all for so so many things. Its not like a normal linen closet, its sorta like – well to be honest its the same size as my pantry which is not really a pantry at all, but rather a closet that is big and small at the same time. I think normal guest rooms have a closet about this size, but in this home they are the pantry and my bathroom closet.

This bathroom closet has always been somewhat of a catch all, like many places in my home. I’ve been working through them in the time I’ve been having at home, baby steps – Just keep swimming, just keep swimming. Some areas are more bang for the buck, but this one is one that it was time for— we had a water leak a few years back, and we didn’t notice till a month or so ago, that the carpet in this closet had molded. Phil took care of the mold, and I noticed that the entire closet sorta needed a clean/clear effort. I finally started working on it – but there is so so much in this closet. Small steps will get me to the prize.

We walked up to the mailbox yesterday – P thought there was a package, because apparently the USPS sends him notifications when one arrives. The walk was super nice, we took Starbuck, and he was so confused. I haven’t actually walked him in years – walking with the “C word” has – well its enough of a challenge taking care of myself – taking Starbuck is a challenge of a different type, one of which I have not been prepared for and opted to save for another time. This time, with P we took him, and he was so so confused. He did enjoy it though – this was the second time in a week or so we have done this. The best part about it was the moment P realized the package had actually been delivered to the door – as it was too big for the little lockers are the mailbox. – This was after we picked up the mail and there was no key there. The walk was incredible, and I’m glad we got to do it.

Have some upcoming birthdays that I’m contemplating. P has taken care of one of them, for which I’m pretty happy – with the conditions of our world, plans take a little more time to ensure you get what your after. I wonder if this will improve or worsen as time progresses. I guess speculating probably a little of both. He was able to get more TP – something we have had on subscribe and safe for years now, but we have run thru our stock, and he has ensured we have enough to keep our bung holes satisfied for another X factor of time.

I’m very glad for P in my life, sometimes he can be so so confusing, but other times he is the ray of light that brightens my world. I guess the compromise of marriage is like that… the Tao of marriage.

While Im still a little sad we didn’t get to take the vacation to Oregon, I’m hopeful that maybe some of my family will figure out and plan a family reunion trip there, so that I can just be lazy and attend instead of having to pick up the mantle and carry the flag. Of course, it probably wont be until next year this time anyway, because conditions have to evolve in a way that makes it realistic.

I’ve been keeping journals with a few of my family, and I’ve been debating adding a few more – it’s not that I feel I can single handedly keep the USPS alive, its more that there is something I just enjoy about putting pen to paper, as much as keyboard to screen. I like writing. And doing more of it makes me feel alive, and remind me one of my purposes, to share my experiences thru words.

Want to work thru some epiphany things I had based upon a dream last night. There are several parts to this to get to the goal.

Part one. As a child I read this book series – I don’t recall the author, or enough of the content to find the author was thinking it was Ursula Le Guin, or Madeleine L’Engle – but I don’t honestly recall. The book was about one of her children getting very ill. She explained a concept, that was somewhat the basis for the book – and somehow was a fundamental thing that I grabbed onto for my life.

The concept was that we, our universe, our planet, our countries, towns, houses, lives – we are all a single cell in a giant organism. Much the way that our cells, are infinite universes, with their own star systems, planets, and some of them thriving with life, and some of them being killed off by the entities – our entities that live there.

Somehow this concept resonated with my young self – and it showed me – my young self how to individually heal or in a cluster heal broken or damaged cells. I’ve used this tool the entirety of my life, its very leverageable for other people. It does, however, require a massive amount of multi tasking – one has to be able to accept the reality where this is possible, and then one has to be able to hold the concepts of both the macro and the micro in the head at the same time while simultaneously dissecting the problem of the broken or damaged cell or where the issue lies, and then – in the path of god in our lives – cause the change. Its alot to simultaneously hold these concepts in ones mind while utilizing energy to produce the desired result.

In the course of my life, I have learned many many other highly effective healing techniques. This one will always be the first that I learned, followed very quickly with the tactic of laying of hands, or the power of group energy to heal. I have used all of these techniques over my life.

At this point in my life, balancing multiple things is not only difficult its detrimental to me, and the realization a few weeks ago was that I was feeling something strongly about this negative. I was feeling very much sad about being unable to manage multiple things, and my therapist called it “depressed” and while I saw the truth in what she said I could not fathom why I would be depressed about this – I understand now. Losing the ability – well I didn’t lose it, just its not practical to utilize it at this time, my first healing talent – it hurts. I am depressed about this. It’s not a “OMG THE WORLD HAS ENDED depression” but it is certainly a depression that I am working thru from the perspective that its gracefully giving up the things of youth for a more enlightened path.

Thoughts to ponder. Now on to the next thing to ponder.

Science is documenting/proving that our cells – the DNA that makes up the uniqueness of “who” we believe we are – is less than 10% of our bodies. Less than 10% of the “person” who we are at any given moment is unique DNA for “me” – that means effectively, we are a minority in our bodies. We/I – am a minority within my own body. The parts that truly represent “who I am” are not the overriding presence. Now – this is an unusual situation to embrace – given that I’m a white woman, living in Texas where women are more prevalent than men, and where white individuals are also more prevalent than other races.

I have spent the good portion of my life analysis predjudices, and what causes perfectly rational individuals to judge other perfectly rational individuals by some semblence of characteristics that they have no control over, that were part of their cosmic design from the beginning. It has always seemed foreign to me – but I’ve had to embrace some of the insights from social media lately that pretty much every one is predjudice.

I have always attempted to rise above my – whatever they are prejudices, and to actively seek to embrace and surround myself with opportunities to be in the minority and to learn from these experiences, and to seek the things that make cultures, peoples unique, to ensure I am able to provide some semblance of the comforts of home to those that are not in their normal circumstances. To boldly go where I have not gone before.

This concept that I am a minority is quite curious, and the concept that I am in some cases – in discomfort that I am potentially being persecuted by my body, by my choices – is also intriguing. It is also applicable from the perspective that “the C word” is a minority of the sect of my body that is Me. So many spiderweb thoughts of this, but I need to let the thoughts coalesce a bit to make sure they are true feeling for my life.

In anycase. Happy monday that is really Tuesday, and the beginning of a short week. May you be Safe. May you be Healthy, May you above all be Happy.

Is like a dark morning where the sun has refused to get up, and lingers behind its pillow top clouds dancing with the rain and threatening to hide for the day in protest of the dawn.

Words are my friends. They have always found their way, quite too vigilantly out of my head and mouth. I’m learning to put on some reigns and recognizing that my cells believe the words I allow to populate my mind palace and my mouth. Choosing and being more selective with these words, well its a little challenging. I’ve always just been picking and choosing from the alphabet soup – like a swarm of insects, that is available to me.

Now I am actively working to temper these thoughts, these words, and to propagate them with the ones I want to be sailing the ship. Its more than just gratitudes, blessings, and relaxing mantras of belief. Its more like, setting pathways, and deciding like the gambler said in that song – bless you Kenny Rogers – know when to hold, know when to fold, when to walk and when to run —-

Today is usually the day I go for iv steroid – twice a week, typically on Monday. I have been “thinking” that its time to reduce this – however, thats not what intuition is telling me – another of those detaunts between thought and intuition. I woke today and thought “Hey I feel fine, see see, this means we don’t need it” about 2 hours later, it was clear that my body had been expecting it, and was just not amused that today was a holiday.

Promise I made to P – when I felt that physically my body needed it, I would stop trying to temper it and I would just take it. So I did, and magically I felt better – go figure, physically my body needs this stuff, somehow its doing more things for me than I understand, and while my mind keeps saying “no no, we don’t need this anymore, we are stronger, we can do without it, stop cold turkey” – my body just laughs and says, go take a nap cause mind, you are clearly wack.

Its a hard thing for me, to let myself take the medications I need to be taking right now, and not obsess about them. When intuition tells me to stop – thats easy, it pulls different ropes inside of me, that are not relative to mind things at all, and it makes the correct pathway super easy. I know its not intuition telling me to back this stuff off – it has let me know that it will be time to back things off “soon” – which when Intuition says soon its like when parents or teachers said that to you as a child when you asked in September when Christmas was … “its soon” they would say – and you scratched your head and contemplated “soon”

Tired is another one of those things – the comparison – well I feel like I have been this tired before in my life – when I was a wee wee one – but it was so so long ago I just don’t remember it. My mum has pictures of me falling asleep in the ketchup or other condiment, because when I was tired, I just fell asleep wherever I was, and no regard for what that meant for anything else around me. I don’t remember that feeling or time in my life – but this Tired, it does feel familiar, like an old shoe that fits just right. I know that resting during this tired, somehow – when you wake is the most amazing feeling – its like the sun has returned, the life force is renewed and all is right with the world.

Was realizing as I sat and meditated this morning, that I am spending so much time just relaxing and contemplating life, and all the amazing things I have in mine. The blessings, gratitudes, and thankful things. The healthy people I have in my life, the diverse weather, keeping us all on our feet as to what it will be., the safe home, with temperatures to protect me from too cold or too warm. The beautiful foliage outside, growing plants and trees to provide me with beautiful flowers and vistas, and the back yard recently trimmed that affords the opportunity to watch Starbuck run – so carefree and happy thru the yard exploring his domain and sniffing and investigating all along the way.

There is a project in the house I’m working on – can’t do it fast, its a slow bit by bit project, but I did work on it some today, and it feels so good to have it started.

Made Chai today, and the whole house smells magnificent, all perked up with fresh ginger, cinnamon, cardamom, clove & black pepper. Its just finishing now, just in enough time for me to enjoy a cup before I sit back and relax into more peaceful thoughts of how nice it feels to be able to stretch and move, and enjoy this amazing memorial day.

it being Memorial day always reminds me of talking to my grandfather about his time in the service, and what this day meant to him. He always had poignant comments to share about anything I chose to ask him. Very rarely did he go out of his way to try and assume I was there to be educated if I didn’t ask, he was a quiet man, a humble man, and a wise man. I loved him, and this holiday always was one we talked more than most – well that and the beginning of football season, when I always endeavored to try and understand the game that he was so engrossed with that just wasn’t my bag.

May we all enjoy a peaceful, safe, healthy and above all happy Memorial day.

I recall the first time I realized that time is an illusion. That its one of those constructs that we invent to give us confines. To try and put energy into a box. The things before, the things to come – we create structure and rules around energy. Time is one of those. It has its own set of “things” –

Recently I was reminded of last year, when we went to the keys. What an incredible trip, and the reminder served to make me realize that alot of “time” has passed since that trip. Many breathes.

Breath is real. In and out, lungs pumping, heart beating. These things are real, they are energy confined in our bodies. Time however so imaginary. Sometimes you can have many breaths in a minute, sometimes very few. Depends upon how the energy flows, how breath flows. What a silly construct this time…. trying to get us to live our lives spend our energy by its confines. We are living souls, with a pulse, a heartbeat, these things represent the truth. Time is just an arbitrary construct. You can watch the hands go forward, you can watch the hands go backwards, you can watch the hands stand still. Take breaths, count in breaths., you will surely see the reality of the difference.

The keys was an amazing trip. Sharing it with family was amazing. I was not as well then as I am now. Its easy to forget with my current struggles, how far I have come towards healing. Its easy to whine about the things I DO NOT have instead of rejoicing in the things I do. Memories of these times, which were so precious, are so precious to me. The memories, reflections of the balance, both the good and the bad of them. The place I am at now, is harder but its also better. When many heart beats have passed, and when many breathes have passed, and when we all consensus on “next year this time” and I look back at this time, I’m certain I won’t remember these struggles. Thats why its good to document them here, so that I can experience the blessings all over again.

I am so grateful for life. For the people in my life that teach me, hold me, help me, elevate me, reality check me, and in general chose to be in my life. Its a choice, we chose whose energy we want to engage with, who we want to keep close, to amplify, to mingle in, to play and dance with, its my pleasure to express my gratitude for all of the souls whose energy dances with mine. Thank you, you are loved, you are adored, and above all you are heartfelt and I am grateful.

We walked to the mailbox yesterday. It was a push for me, I was exhausted when we got home. But it felt so so good to have done it. Not to mention to have gotten the mail, so two check marks on the proverbial “to do” list. Later I did a little rebounding, trying to keep P on his toes and challenged for doing it – its a game we don’t talk about, but he has been rebounding, which inspires me, and I have been doing it, which inspires him. I did a little yesterday, and it was a little much after the walk, I went to bed early because I was so so tired. It was a good tired. I slept really well.

Today I kept it up, I added a little more time to my rebounding, and the movement, as usual, helps. It hurts a little in the moment, but my body thrives, my energy dances from the exertion. Bodies were made for movement, it makes the cells happy. Happy Cells Heal faster, live longer and work better.

I am so happy to have this place where I can stream my consciousness, and just share the random things that have crossed my mind. Today, I learned that squirrels are basically superheroes from this Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hFZFjoX2cGg – it was great, an adorable method of utilizing skills to showcase the power of squirrels, one set of ingenuity working towards another.

Got to do a video call with family today, and we just hung out and talked, and somehow it just felt fun. We laughed, we shared silly things, and silly knowledge, and basically just digitally spent a few moments in each others lives. Calling this time social isolation is really very incorrect, its more about Physical Isolation – which hormonally is actually kinda bad – hugs have been proven to promote feel good hormones and overall health – so Physical isolation is kinda a method of making people sick…. Interesting food for thought in this social experimentation time we are living in… Just have to elevate the energy, so that it overcomes the physical by helping remind people we are energy beings that are just temporarily in physical bodies anyway.

Time to go do house things, enjoying a lazy sunday afternoon.