Some songs – scratch that most songs – are so much better when you DON”T know what the lyrics mean. This song is one….. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8MmW_GOFS8I — Its recently been a get up in the morning anthem of mine – as its got a bebop enough beat to get my body dancing and ready for the day.

Chemo treatments are hard – this is the week of infinite tired… No amount of sleep is enough – I just feel the strong desire to live in the bed. Sleep what a daunting mistress you are… It feels better when I can sleep, and getting the rest feels better, but gosh I get so tired so fast. Nap time is soon!

There are alot of things that feel …. not good? I’m focusing on the things that are working right – and I’m alive. — Pearl Jams Alive keeps crossing my mind– https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R_Vyn5kGsy8 – although again, much better until you KNOW what the lyrics mean…

Have had so so many weird and off putting dreams – just the places I’ve traveled in my dreams are so far and wide and then some are just here in the house – quite odd.

Still waiting on fridge repair – its now becoming more and more frustrating – although also more and more like ‘well this is just life’ — I suppose thats kinda how I feel about cancer things….

Next week is the “testing” time again – its time for all the “check on this check on that” – Echo for my heart on friday, MRI on Tuesday, CT & bone scan on Wed – then I have to hold my breath and wait a week to find out how I did with the tests…..

I’ve been feeling alot like Alice in wonderland lately – except not the disney one the scary one version where its really an incredible dark place where she travels….. then I remember I’m secretly Dori and I “just keep swimming just keep swimming” –

I made Chai – this is one of those things that I’ve done for years, and I enjoy and there is something about making it and smelling it that is just therapeutic in a way that nothing else really is… It takes a wee bit of time to boil the water, and to clean the ginger, and to portion the other spices, but the pot and the stove top do most of the work – so mostly its about waiting – for 3 hours of slow rolling boil and then adding the tea, and turning it off and just enjoying. The spices always turn out great – I have honestly made it with no tea before and it still tastes pretty great but something about the really good Assam I have makes the spices sing in a way that they don’t without it – they have this symphony of song that just makes my body happy. I especially love to share this, and my mother and sister both enjoy it so its very great to be able to portion and share with them and just allow all of us to enjoy this tasty treat.

My thoughts have been like a rollercoaster of ups and downs lately. In talking to my psychologist about it, I realized that getting comfortable with the relaxed not “stress all the time” mode – the relaxed state – which has never felt normal to me in the past, but I’m working on it feeling normal – I’m somewhat in a condition where I’m dealing with all the boxes of emotions that my stressed state has just bottled up for another day. Basically Emo Alethia – where things make me sad, or joyous, or feel all of these emotions in waves suddenly — these have roots in overflowing boxes of these feelings that I just neglected in the past.

Sadness is a releasing state, to allow things to pass out of my body, out of my mind and release me from its grips. Which honestly is kinda nice, because it feels pretty good after having a good cry over spilt milk, particularly when the cry is for something from years ago, and the milk didn’t really spill.

Every day I’m learning….

Had chemo on Thursday. Have been in a fog of absolute fatigue – the sort that just makes your body want nothing else but the bliss of the bed. Slept many many hours. Feel a bit better? How much is a bit? I don’t know, more than a tad?

We went for a drive today – one of the ones that P enjoys – around Granger Lake – pretty long drive. The wind usually feels so good to me, but we took the Silver car today – it has a much better stereo but it also has a less effective AC and its a tad warmer today and there was also a lot less breeze – Usually the lake and the area just have this incredible breeze even when its super hot, but not so much today. The drive is head clearing.

We listened to my favorite Pitbull playlist on Spotify – so many good empowering sounds. Had one of my coffees from Starbucks, the comfort of P’s favorite car, him driving me along, and just the tunes playing – all in all one of the good things.

We drove around a way he hadn’t driven – there are so many sneaky little bypaths in Texas – so many ways to get from point a to point b – we are always finding a new “path” — this seems like a thing with me in my life right now – finding a path.

Starbuck was quite put out that we took so long when we went out. He had a few buff buffs to get in when we got home. If he weren’t just a little too anxious we would have taken him with us.

This is the week of R&R – with just a few appts – before next week with the next set of scans. I’m optimistic but nervous, what if I’m wrong? It has happened many times in my life – its not so much that I doubt myself, its just I KNOW I’m not always right – and what if this is one of those times?

I have been getting randomly just overcome with sadness lately. We went to Hat Creek for breakfast this morning – they have this amazing sauerkraut – its just cravable. They were super busy – they had us all pulling up to wait for the orders – because they make EVERYTHING to order – when they delivered the food – they mixed up the cars. The sweet kid doing the delivery went to “reroute” the deliveries, attempting to bring us our delivery last – and P already knew – I wasn’t going to eat it – after it had been delivered to another car. For whatever reason, this made me overwhelmingly sad. Its proper etiquette, the guy “should” have taken all the orders back and remade them – but hey this is Texas, and we are usually just go with the flow, and under normal non pandemic, non cancer conditions – I’d have gone with the flow too…. But no way – I can’t eat something that could have been potentially exposed not by the restaurant staff, but by some other random person that wasn’t even wearing a mask.

Having to bring this to the attention of the kid doing the delivery – this made me cry. P did all the talking, but just made me sad – so many reasons – The kid “shouldn’t” have been redelivering – but I’m not his manager – There “shouldn’t” be a pandemic right now – and I “shouldn’t” have cancer… Life is what it is… I’m glad P expressed his concern, and they remade our food – but the sadness – it lingers.

I wish I knew why it lingers – driving thru this beautiful terrain – Texas has some amazing sights – its not mountains, its not oceans – its just wide open spaces – but there is some majesty in it and the simplistic comfort of it – Its taken me a while to understand and embrace this – but its easy to be overcome with it as we drive along.

I got to go see D’s new addition yesterday – the kitten formerly known as cheese – she is calling him “the little” right now – I think I’ll stick Panda Jr – he is just adorable – animals know things about people – Starbuck has been overly protective – and while Panda came up to tell him this new addition – to express his concerns to me – the kitten at first wanted NOTHING to do with me — I understood why – Panda explained I was “safe” and that I was part of the pride – or whatever it is that cats call their family – then the kitten came and was curious – but I didn’t get too close, as he is young enough to be all teeth and claws, and my skin is just waiting to bleed.

Chemo brain is just such a thing right now – words are just missing – its amusing to me the ones that I DON”T forget – like some random name of something or some place from years and years ago …. so so odd, this I can remember, but whether or not I took my meds — nah just out of the brain.

Have had some really odd amusing dreams lately – this chemo treatment makes my nose all stuffy – and I had this amusing dream about pulling a Yeast Roll out of my nose. Like I’ve had to mess with my nose to get the crusties out so I can “breath clearly” – but in the dream the crusties were a full on Logans style Yeast roll – it was like “good show lady good show”

Most of the dreams are in quick snippets – like a commercial more than a dream – not that I’m complaining – when you can get 12 hours of dreamless sleep its 100% a confirmation that your body is in NEED of rest – also the dark circles that were present under my eyes are starting to fade so thats a good sign too.

We had our fridge go out – not the freezer mind, that is still working, just the fridge – we called for service, and somehow thought it was the next day – it wasn’t it was the following week. P called and got them to escalate the service – How in this day and age is a fridge NOT a priority service?!? – so they came out two days later – the day before the holiday – and said “Oh its the fan, that blows the cool air up from the freezer thats broken – we will get approval and then order the part” – so long and short is that it will take LONGER to fix than the original service request, but I suppose that means a week sooner than it would have been if we had just waited for first service request – maybe.

Its an amusing day and age when you could totally get a brand new fridge the next day, but service takes weeks. Guess we really are a disposable society. How can it be faster/easier to get a new one than fix an existing one? — I mean I like my fridge.

It did provide an opportunity – to completely scrub out the fridge – which its a happy clean fridge now – look great and smells fresh and clean. Too bad its still 65 inside lol – the first day I tried to treat it like an “ice box” — I mean they were called this in the past right? I’m not making this up? — but it melted the bags of ice I had in like 2 hours — so this was a no go. Cleaning out the food that spoiled in it was hard. I hate when food goes to waste. Hurts my heart. It also didn’t help that we had gotten delivery — both P & I of our weekly groceries the day the fridge broke — but we didn’t notice it till the next day. At this point its on its way to final resolution, so I can be finally less sad about this one.

So many good things in life. Waking up to the sunshine. Friends and extended family to talk and remote celebrate a holiday. Tasty foods, available from so many sources. Coffee – thank god for coffee – people working to service it to me fresh, hot and tasty. A great husband, loving and willing to spend time with me in a car – even when I get randomly weepy – willing to shuttle me around to things that will make me happy. Time. Fresh Water, Safe spaces, Clean Air – all of these things that are real, there and easily taken for granted. Thank you, universe, god and other humans for being part of my world, and educating me to the good things in life.

I’ve always had this uncanny knack of being able to help people process things they are attempting to repress – in other words, I’ve had this ability to allow people to cry about things they are holding back. This is one of my infinite cosmic powers, that I have strived to use for good. I’ve noticed lately, not thru conscious thought or effort that I’ve been using this “gift” on myself.

This release of sadness, or repressed emotions is a blessing, but for a good bit of time its felt alot like weakness to me – felt like I was somehow doing something not good. However, its been a blessing to release that I’m doing this as a trigger from my gift, because it feels more “right” to let these things out, and I’ve become alot more accepting after this realization.

I know that this gift is only one to be used to help, so it being used on myself is a great and super cool thing. It makes the bouts of crying and sadness feel more like a great release. So I’m extremely thankful for this revelation.

Its been a great couple of days with many self realizations of some of my blind spots – a little sad at being blind for so long, but more happy at having knowledge to grow and be more aware of things.

There is a retreat next april to bali that I’m debating about putting a deposit on – just a little bit nervous about this. Its a Yoga retreat, and its not inexpensive. Its not one I’d prefer to do alone, and I just don’t know what world conditions will hold then. Its hard to plan travel with the conditions as they are – feels like wait and see – but if you wait and see generally you miss out on opportunities, and this trip has somewhat of a sketch refund policy.

Bali is one of those places I’ve wanted to travel to for quite a few years – its called to me, I’m not certain if its an experience to be had there, or just seeing the place and experiencing it – just a “we want to go there” feeling inside my heart.

Have had some weird dreams lately about taking a driving trip with one of my nephews to visit some family. As I’m not driving these days – almost two years of that, the dream had me offering the opportunity to travel with the requirement of being my driver along the trip. The dream didn’t have many details of the trip – and it didn’t feel very prophetic just a random type of “wouldn’t it be nice” type of dream.

I’ve been getting more sleep lately, but it just doesn’t feel like “enough” – I don’t honestly know how much is “enough” especially right now, because I haven’t really seemed to hit that mark yet.

There are some times, that I wish my doctor wasn’t a person that I liked as a person – because I feel for a doctor, it maybe time to find a new one. My potassium level has been still going down, at a much slower pace, but I’m still taking a huge amount of the stuff twice a day, and the fact that its still going down is concerning. My other blood levels have also been dropping, slowly – but my iron is also on the lowerish side, and I’ve always been slightly anemic – I’ve recommended an iron infusion, but lately with my doctor I’m kinda feeling a bit like a number, not like a priority. If I didn’t like and have a human relationship with this doctor I’d have already moved the ship on a different course, but I keep “hoping” that things will improve. The challenge is that because I recognize her as a human being, I KNOW, understand and appreciate the reasons behind this – she is challenged and engaged with the happenings around the COV things – and while this is incredible for her as a doctor, its interesting, and provides new knowledge that is a learning and growth opportunity for her – she has donated time at the hospitals – much needed, and a great chance for her to help so many people. While I respect this, and appreciate this as a place of passion and a good thing for HER….. it divides her, and keeps her from being able to focus on ME…. which isn’t the best for me. Tough choices coming up soon. Difficulties associated with being my own patient advocate…. maybe there will be a best case solution soon.

So I found out yesterday, through a sort of odd source, that this blogging tool I’m using has “badges” of which I had been previously unaware…. now I feel this gamer mentality towards “lets get those” – specifically for blogging or hitting markers over course of days.

While I do feel that the writing itself helps, there is something that appeals to the gamer spirit inside of me to “get that one” – Do it girl do it…. We will see 🙂

Its definitely an interesting year to be alive, and working on thriving. So grateful for the incredible people in my sphere that keep sending me happy thoughts and lots and lots of hugs <3

Went to the chiro today for my cracking – it helps – and heard – well overheard and yes its hard to “not over hear” at this place the conversation, so in this case :-), I wasn’t exactly “snooping” – the guy was talking to my dr about the fact that one of his neighbors had a kids party this weekend – and had like 300 kids – and it turns out “some of the kids” had COV19 – so now they all do potentially. It just makes me …. well honestly I just don’t know how to react about this anymore.

The angel and devil on my shoulder are somewhat in an emotional state of doing a role reversal. While part of me knows that for “physical” health – isolation is one of the safer options — there are alot of discussion points about whether or not its the “best” but thats a different discussion. For emotional & psychological health – this type of super long isolations is not only hard, its not necessarily the “way” for the majority of people.

There is also a point and many studies that prove that emotional or psychological health can impact physical health – or rather – feeling down can actually make you sick – so its a question of… do you do the best “physical course of action” at the detriment of the other, and “hope” that your body/mind/heart don’t make you sick? – and that this “sick” isn’t confused with cov? –

In my case, I go to dr office 3-4 times a week – and EVERY time, I’m asked to confirm I haven’t had ANY symptoms that “could” be cov – the list of symptoms keeps getting longer — and most of them are the same things that allergies feel like and cause, or that the cancer could be causing — interesting to note – so am I supposed to tell the complete truth – Yeah I had a headache – when the pressure was high – and risk not being able to see my dr and get medicine? Or do I just keep saying “No I don’t have cov symptoms” – which sorta seems well – the OCD data analyst in me is shouting in my head “BLASPHEMER” – EVERY time I say “No I haven’t had any of these symptoms” – I mean – sure give me chemo – which is likely to cause ALL of these things, and then ask me “have you had any of these things?” – so so ethically confusing.

I had an especially great weekend. D came as a guest and crashed at our home. It was amazing, she and I have such great conversation points. She broadens my mind. She makes me think, in a non confrontational way. I often don’t agree with her, but the value in the conversation is beyond price. We had planned to do an Indiana Jones marathon – P mentioned “oh are you going to watch all 4 or just the good ones” — I was confused, I didn’t realize there were 2 good 2 bad of these movies….until we started the marathon – we only got thru the first two movies, and saved the last two for another time.

She explained some of the views of things – as I try and avoid the news right now – it just makes me sad, it doesn’t typically educate me, and it always takes up heart space I need for healing. D is one of the few people able to synthesize concepts, and events in a way that allows me to take them in and ponder them without impacting my self healing work. Time with her is just more than helpful its vital. When I was in HS, and College I used to carry a dictionary with me – mostly because I was a terrible TERRIBLE (still am) speller, and also because I have a tendency to romanticize words and use them incorrectly — D for me is much like this dictionary – and its fairly often that we end up going to wiki or google to clarify things during our talks.

Its crazy, but also an incredible interesting time we are living in…. with so much potential and energy for raw social change. Change that will impact so many millions of lives. Its also a time when we will be having potentially the opportunity to voice our opinions about who we trust to lead us and direct the course of this nation during these times. That is, if they figure out a way to allow us to be registered and allow us to “vote” during social distancing – or maybe they will just “take over” and take the options out of our hands. I don’t know how or what will happen, but it is definitely an interesting time to be alive.

Had a dream the other day, about taking a driving trip to see some of my loved ones – and “persuading” one of my nephews to do the driving – since I’m not able atm, and since they were able to take the 2 weeks it would take for the trip I had in the dream to accomplish. I don’t know that this is likely to occur – there are still alot of logistic things that are obstacles – and I’m not even certain that either of my nephews have licenses – a thought which to me just is almost as shocking as some of the many other things – too bad my niece is too young 🙂 she just got hers in the past month 🙂

I am grateful for the people in my life, and for all the blessings available to me, and for the fact that I have freedom enough to blog like this stream of consciousness – and for trees. There is never enough thanks for trees, but they are providing the most beautiful landscape right now with flowers and birds and just foliage which is breathtaking. Thank you Trees. I go for a chemo treatment this week, and while I’m nervous and apprehensive, I feel this stuff is working – even if it makes me feel like a zombie for a couple weeks after – I get out of that feeling eventually, and get back to feeling empowered and able to keep fighting and winning. Lets hope it happens quicker this time and on to new scans soon.

There isn’t alot of argument that the world is sorta topsy turvy these days. My world in particular. It feels alot like I wish I were superwoman. Able to save the world in the blink of an eye.

I wonder about all our superheroes. The fantasy ones, that have embraced mind and heart for years. I love the fact that they have gotten tv shows, and movies in the recent past, to expose another whole generation, but part of me wonders if they are “good things” – like do they show the values that we are trying to fix, or do they show the values in the best possible light – like maybe fixed.

A friend, who has been holding daily meditations made a comment that resonated with me – it has crossed my mind many times recently and become a part of my meditations. His comment was, stay in the now, and visualize what you want as if it exists NOW, not some future goal. Like don’t pray or think for “curing cancer” as if its some future goal to attain, but more as if it is what has been done now. Don’t think about “I’ll do this when xyz has happened” but more – I can work on doing part of this now, because the tools are here. This is a hard concept for me, but I’m finding the more I do it the easier its becoming.

Sadness is still a great big crying bout part of my life. It never seems to linger long – thankfully – but it is always quite sudden and profound over the things that well – to be honest, it feels like I’m crying over spilled milk alot, but the waves and waves of emotion are DEMANDING release, and acceptance. Overall, when I let them out it feels very good in a sense, like some tidal wave of existence has been survived. Like I’m stronger and have weathered some storm. It doesn’t make it any easier for the loved ones around me, but they are weathering this storm with me and embracing me as much as they can — Hurrah Hugs.

The more I learn the more it becomes blatantly obvious I have so much more to learn. I am grateful for the new people that have been thrown into my life, like veggies in a bowl for salad, to help me along this path – the salad is becoming quite tasty and helping make the hunger of knowledge a little more satisfying. Here is to hoping for many more experiences.

Get to hang with my sister this weekend and very very much looking forward to it – it will be a great time before the next chemo which comes up next week. These treatments are very taxing – I look forward to the day soon when I won’t have to do them, when I will be able to just enjoy all of the health and balance without additional medical support along the journey.

Getting to know all about you….. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4MNANgFCYpk

I really love the learning about myself of the time and conditions right now. Was thinking earlier, about the fact that the family thing about my mom has always been “she will go anywhere” – she has a natural “lets go lets go” mentality – its part of her nature. One of the things I’ve learned, is that I’m a lets explore, lets explore – not quite the same thing, but pretty similar. I feel that I really enjoy the new opportunity – similiar to a quote from Winnie the Pooh – “Lets explore, if we don’t find anything pleasant, atleast we will find something new” — This is me.

One of the things I’m learning is I need to be a bit more cautious with this, Some things are NOT the best for me right now – NOT THE BEST, danger will robinson, danger!!

I am learning to understand why “Black lives matter” instead of just “all lives matter” – I’m learning to understand – this isn’t an easy thing for me, because it feels wrong to single out someone by the fact that they are black, even if it’s for a “seemingly” good reason. Singling people out for “works” or things that they have done or achieved seems right or good. Singling someone out for something beyond their control just hasn’t ever seemed right. I’m learning.

I’m working to learn the things that I need to be focusing on, the things that I have to accomplish. I know blogging is one of those things, its is satisfying to stream of consciousness. Its very satisfying to express the things I have seen and experienced in the world around me. Mostly its satisfying to share, and know that when I am wondering what I realized, I can go back and see that moment in my time, and feel the amazing sensations and memories I have experienced. It also lets me sort of clear out thoughts from my head, and the struggles that inhabit my head.

This is a good week, a week of recovery and feeling pretty good to work on the projects I have been staring around at for the past couple of weeks just not feeling strong enough to tackle. Thank you universe, for the energy to do some of these things this week, to clear out some things that could use being done.

I am blessed for all the prayers and kind thoughts I get from my friends and family. I can not express enough thanks for these things, and for the empowerment they give me for continuing to learn, and step in the poop of life that teaches me how to grow and become better and stronger. Some experiences might not be the best, but they are definitely new, just trying to move at a slow enough pace – a Pooh pace, so I can maybe miss a few of the ones that are not so good for me, and enjoy a few that are great.

Song for today: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S0x1yBiFiUw

When I was working for Walt Disney World – one of my earlier jobs coming out of high school, we used to watch the fireworks every night. The position was in the Laundry, not as glamorous as some jobs, but it was always busy, and there were a few aspects of it that were pretty cool….. Like getting to see fireworks, everynight. It became kinda “old hat” – like “nah I don’t need to go see them tonight” – I wish I had watched more fireworks. The parks would have incredible displays for the tourists that maybe this was their only night to see fireworks – having traveled X amount of distance and spent X amount of money to be able to enjoy this magical experience. For me, it was just another night of fireworks. The music was always good, the display was always great, but it was the same night after night. Or atleast very similar.

Last night I had my first “hot flash” – I had been thinking that maybe the other experiences were hot flashes – but no, now having experienced one, I KNOW what a hot flash is – and I also know WHY its called a hot flash. Its rather like no other exact feeling. The closest I can describe, is that its like that feeling when you have a fever – that feeling of being “hot” except your not hot on the outside, your skin is cool or cold or whatever temp it is to the touch. Your whole body is normal on the outside, but it feels like your blood is Hot, and its a – well it came on me like the paparazzi snapping a picture – Please no more snaps, I’ll just go back to sleep kkthx. It didn’t last for too long, but man its like – internal hot, not external – so so very bizarre. I went back to sleep after I woke up P to explain “Oh oh oh – I know now what this is, and why they call it this” — I’m sure he was thrilled 🙂

We went for a drive today – to Lake Granger – I didn’t realize how much I needed this…. something about driving thru the wide open spaces, and getting to the Lake, and driving across the bridges to see the water, and just enjoying the view of the water, the colors against the sky. Its just relaxing, clearing, and humbling all at once. That nature has taken a glance at all that we have going on the world, and said “yeah I think I’ll just sit here and go for a swim thanks” – so relaxing.

P is pretty funny – he knows more than me when I need to get out – I’m trying to work on cultivating places at home that are an “escape” for me – like my travel has always been – but its not an easy thing for me – my body, my heart, my soul wants to just fly around and explore and experience things. Today he had to practically drag me out, but I am just so blessed to have him, and so grateful he did, I feel so much better than I did – the escape is important to me, like the hugs. Gotta have more of it.

Its an amazing Fathers Day – so blessed to have so many amazing fathers in and around me. Its so incredible to be loved and appreciated by them, and to be able to share my experiences, my joy and my life with them.

Got a bunch of hugs from my mom today – we did some errand delivery for her and I’m so happy to have a touchpoint of a place to get my hug fill. I get one more week of getting strong before the next chemo. The sadness in the world is hard right now, I’m super sensitive to it, and I’ve found myself just choked up and overly sad for seemingly little things, or nothing at all. Need to find more laughter. Need to find more things of Joy.

I took a video on our road trip today, so I can just curl up with a blanket – well atleast until the next hot flash decides to descend upon me – I wonder how often they come – only one so far, and even it was kinda short – either way I’m sure I’ll figure it out – but I can enjoy this video and just sink into the relaxation of the day.

Billy Joel song – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZSaaEVAMi3o

When I think about where I am, and what I’m working on – somehow compared to everything going on in the world right now, and the world as a whole – my struggle seems very small. Super important to me, but very small in comparison.

I know, when I get past this time, this struggle, this time will seem far away. I won’t remember these individual days, that are like a roller coaster ride. The ride it self has some very interesting things, so much learning. Learning about myself, my relationships, things I’m super good at – things I am very very poor at – some of which I thought I was good at…. So much learning and growing.

Its hard. Some of the things just make me sad. Sadness isn’t bad in and of itself – and I have such an amazing support system of love, trust, gratitude, and blessings. Thank you universe for allowing me to learn in this time and place. While it doesn’t in the moment always feel like a blessing, it is. I’m here, I’m great just the way I am, and I’m learning to get better, stronger, healthier, and more present.

These blogs, are both a task I look forward to and something I dread. I feel that its never quite enough. I feel like I put myself into these, and I enjoy and relish doing it. I feel like my ideas, while not unique, are mine, and that makes them special just because they are mine. I am so grateful for the tech to be able to do this – for the support of P to keep it up and alive and to keep me able to do these easily and seemlessly.

Yesterday, when we were driving, there were all these net covered areas on the trees – and P told me they are probably cocoons which will be butterflies soon. This feels like me alot of the time, I’m in a net covered web, that will burst out into some amazing butterfly sometime in the future. Just have to wait and work on growing.

Diet is one of the struggles I’m having right now. Emotional eating has been a bane of my existence for as long as I can recall. I recall a story my mother told me about when I was a babe that my Paternal grandfather chastised her for giving me M&M’s instead of healthier treats, I think my emotional eating subsciously started back then. The words that are said around small children are heard and internalized.

I gave up emotional eating during my harsh keto days. It was easy to just create a line in the sand and not cross it. Taking a break from that, both for my emotional and physical needs of the time, made this incedicious thing a struggle again. Now I have this periodic voice that says “we can feed this” when my mind and heart knows – No, No you can’t. You can’t feed emotions successfully – it just doesn’t work – the worst part is that when you try, you end up doing a vicious circle of chastising – which is FAR worse then the original emotion – or atleast it is for me. Trying to work through this, while allowing myself “some” healthy and less healthy choices is hard – ensuring I’m not trying to feed emotions, is a challenge.

Its sorta funny to me, I have tasked “my inner child” with stopping our emotional eating – and she is REALLY good at this. She enjoys “winning” and telling that emotional eating part of myself “no, no, no” – I find it kinda amusing that the strongest advocate inside of me for NOT emotional eating is that little kid. She is just great. She is the part of my personality that will always – always find the best in everything.

She isn’t always easy to please, and when she gets disappointed….. watch out, I can be quite a biotch. She is the most equipped part of me to throw temper tantrums. I’m trying to become a more balanced adult and recognize her need to tantrum, while at the same time, recognizing the hurt and pain that my tantrums can cause to those around me, and the universe as a whole. Its not about holding it back, more about channeling it into something positive and constructive. Not always easy, but definitely worth the effort.

Spotify decided to make me a “daily healing” play list – that oddly is full of commercials lol – so won’t really end up on my playlist at all – I don’t understand how someone could think that “healing” of any form could possible include selling someone something they aren’t looking for or needing. — There was another example of this in my recent past – I was buying a supplement that intuition told me would help – and in the process of trying to check out I was bombarded with SIX different “are you sure you don’t want this too? We won’t make this special offer available again for you” — and I’m like, no just let me buy these damn supplements – it really made me question if I should really get these, spirit said “Yes, they will help” – and I persevere- but maybe the lesson is that sometimes you have to work for the things you need. Seems like a good lesson, to take out of it – but I’m certain there are more… There is always more.

Direction and perspective frame everything of who I am. I was given a piece of information that was so small and humbling that the fact that it turned so many of my understandings upside down and around, is overwhelming

Sometimes when I think I understand a thing, it is a good idea to turn it upside down or atleast lean it to another side, to make sure that I haven’t missed something totally obvious in the midst of all my “understanding”.

I’m beginning to realize that my understanding has always been conditional. Upon the condition that the frame is facing the same way as my frame. Sort of like trying to put a triangle into a square hole. There is a condition upon which it will fit – maybe not well, but definitely fit – but not if you are looking at it from the front, overwhelming condition of “no way”

My mind likes data analysis. It’s been chewing on this problem of hidden prejudices for a bit now, and it’s come to a very frightening and overwhelming reality of the fact that they are not native to this country, nor are they less than several thousand years old.

In the dark ages, (an odd but appropriate to this point named period) the bible was re-scribed/interpreted by scholars of the day – that were white males with an agenda. This is sorta something of common knowledge, but the depth of this hadn’t been in my frame yet, until today.

As humans, we like to have symmetry – our brains seek that symmetry – the patterns. Most of nature provides us with that symmetry so it’s a pretty great synergistic relationship. Just because there is a pattern doesn’t mean its correct or accurate, it just means there is a pattern, sometimes turning that pattern inside out, or upside down, or to the North – provides a much much clearer revelation.

Going to have to work with these thoughts and things a bit more – or rather let my sandbox of a brain play a little more to see what other “trees” it can find in the forest.

The bird nesting in my marigold gave me a bit of a squawking at (from a distance) yesterday – even though I told her before she built the nest in here, I did plan to continue daily waterings of this plant. She was not at all amused (for the third or fourth time) of my sprinkling her with water in the midst of ensuring that the plant has enough water to thrive. I think, there maybe an egg or even a baby in that nest already, I thought I heard little chirping, which would explain the squawking. I will keep monitoring on it to ensure I haven’t stranded some babies due to daily waterings. Overall – Marigold is doing well, and i guess birds are doing well, since she hasn’t abandoned the nest yet.

So many blessings in the midst of so much of this difficulty. P took me out to run an errand yesterday, and we took the long way so I could have a little drive to clear my head and the cobwebs from being inside so much. It was amazing, got to see some fields of sunflowers.

Things are growing, things are being born, life is going on just as intended. We will too. Might as well smile and be happy along the ride.

My nephew – one of them – had his birthday yesterday. This little guy has stolen part of my heart – I can’t exactly explain why, but the smile he gives me sometimes, is just like the whole of the universe exists behind his eyes, and he knows things.

He had his birthday yesterday. Its a little sad for me, that I didn’t get to hug him. I know its the right thing that his parents are doing, to protect him, holding to a stringent social isolating thing. I miss him.

Sometimes I feel like imagination allows us to get smarter, and the creativity unlocks some magical door that allows us to have access to the infinite power of the universe. Somehow I visualize this world, our world, in terms of the amount of things that people have to learn. The infinite cosmic possibilities that exist. Then I hear about the lack of humanity that someone has done, and it makes me fall off this beautiful place where I see infinite possibilities for growth and good, and realize we are all just humans. Doing the best that we feel we can, each time thinking of ourselves first – which is right, but sometimes maybe we should consider others before we act.

My nephew, one of the things about him – he thinks alot. I have watched him consider things, to step back mentally and evaluate them. If a five year old can do this, we all can…. go slower, and consider, how it might be for someone else.

Even the things we think are “OMG this is a lovely thing” – think about how it could be not lovely for someone else. My sister, has challenged me alot lately on this, making me step outside of my box, and look at the box from the outside.

The imagination land is even more broad and wide when you step outside of the possible, and consider the infinite universe from the frame of it having confines.

From my meditations, from my prayers, from my perspective and believes, there is no outside of the box. The box has no sides, no walls. These are all just constructs of our imagination that confine us, and allow us to perceive things. Energy is infinite. It’s what we chose to do with it that is finite. How it will impact someone else is finite. Our reactions to someone else, and how they have taken to form some energy and presented it to us – whether we chose to accept it in the form they presented, or shape it into the perfect form for us to receive. These are within our control.

The choice to live in harmony is personal. Its much easier to not. Its much easier to react, to choice to see each bit of energy and just react to it. But its possible, to see the energy and reform it to be what it needs to be for me.

Intention, I believe is somehow less of a construct. Its somehow important. Its not like complete absolution from doing bad things, but it is somehow a consideration point.

The conversation with my sister went something like this – with me pointing out that the documents that found our country – the declaration of independence – isn’t really racist. Her pointing out that it was formed and written by slave owners, so how could it not.

Her points are valid. My points aren’t invalid. There really isn’t disharmony between these two views. There is just energy, that requires a little creativity, a little imagination to make it comply with “the best case” – Much smarter people than me are required for this, as I have reached the point where I am not as smart I as used to be, where my brain needs to focus on things that are not being mickey mouse trying to learn as the sorcerer’s apprentice to control the ebb and flow of time and space.

My job is to stay alive. To be here, as a resource to help show “maybe this could be…” – My hope, is that the smarter people – the next generation – My nephew – will help us solve the problems. Perhaps their infinite cosmic wisdom will provide us with the solutions we need.

He sees the world differently. Perhaps if we don’t muck up his world too much he will be able to show us how we need to live. How we can fix social inequality. How to resolve decades of inbalance.

How to live in harmony.

He is five now, maybe that is old enough to save the world.