I’ve always had this uncanny knack of being able to help people process things they are attempting to repress – in other words, I’ve had this ability to allow people to cry about things they are holding back. This is one of my infinite cosmic powers, that I have strived to use for good. I’ve noticed lately, not thru conscious thought or effort that I’ve been using this “gift” on myself.
This release of sadness, or repressed emotions is a blessing, but for a good bit of time its felt alot like weakness to me – felt like I was somehow doing something not good. However, its been a blessing to release that I’m doing this as a trigger from my gift, because it feels more “right” to let these things out, and I’ve become alot more accepting after this realization.
I know that this gift is only one to be used to help, so it being used on myself is a great and super cool thing. It makes the bouts of crying and sadness feel more like a great release. So I’m extremely thankful for this revelation.
Its been a great couple of days with many self realizations of some of my blind spots – a little sad at being blind for so long, but more happy at having knowledge to grow and be more aware of things.
There is a retreat next april to bali that I’m debating about putting a deposit on – just a little bit nervous about this. Its a Yoga retreat, and its not inexpensive. Its not one I’d prefer to do alone, and I just don’t know what world conditions will hold then. Its hard to plan travel with the conditions as they are – feels like wait and see – but if you wait and see generally you miss out on opportunities, and this trip has somewhat of a sketch refund policy.
Bali is one of those places I’ve wanted to travel to for quite a few years – its called to me, I’m not certain if its an experience to be had there, or just seeing the place and experiencing it – just a “we want to go there” feeling inside my heart.
Have had some weird dreams lately about taking a driving trip with one of my nephews to visit some family. As I’m not driving these days – almost two years of that, the dream had me offering the opportunity to travel with the requirement of being my driver along the trip. The dream didn’t have many details of the trip – and it didn’t feel very prophetic just a random type of “wouldn’t it be nice” type of dream.
I’ve been getting more sleep lately, but it just doesn’t feel like “enough” – I don’t honestly know how much is “enough” especially right now, because I haven’t really seemed to hit that mark yet.
There are some times, that I wish my doctor wasn’t a person that I liked as a person – because I feel for a doctor, it maybe time to find a new one. My potassium level has been still going down, at a much slower pace, but I’m still taking a huge amount of the stuff twice a day, and the fact that its still going down is concerning. My other blood levels have also been dropping, slowly – but my iron is also on the lowerish side, and I’ve always been slightly anemic – I’ve recommended an iron infusion, but lately with my doctor I’m kinda feeling a bit like a number, not like a priority. If I didn’t like and have a human relationship with this doctor I’d have already moved the ship on a different course, but I keep “hoping” that things will improve. The challenge is that because I recognize her as a human being, I KNOW, understand and appreciate the reasons behind this – she is challenged and engaged with the happenings around the COV things – and while this is incredible for her as a doctor, its interesting, and provides new knowledge that is a learning and growth opportunity for her – she has donated time at the hospitals – much needed, and a great chance for her to help so many people. While I respect this, and appreciate this as a place of passion and a good thing for HER….. it divides her, and keeps her from being able to focus on ME…. which isn’t the best for me. Tough choices coming up soon. Difficulties associated with being my own patient advocate…. maybe there will be a best case solution soon.
So I found out yesterday, through a sort of odd source, that this blogging tool I’m using has “badges” of which I had been previously unaware…. now I feel this gamer mentality towards “lets get those” – specifically for blogging or hitting markers over course of days.
While I do feel that the writing itself helps, there is something that appeals to the gamer spirit inside of me to “get that one” – Do it girl do it…. We will see 🙂
Its definitely an interesting year to be alive, and working on thriving. So grateful for the incredible people in my sphere that keep sending me happy thoughts and lots and lots of hugs <3