There was a musical my step mother introduced me to years and years ago, “Fiddler on the Roof” … it gave me an introduction to what life could be like for others, and it had so many great actors and music in it.

One of the greatest take aways I took from this movie was the song “Traditions” …. For all the things we are so so unique, and different, we are also so so alike.

A tradition I have for the end of the year – in looking briefly back, I prepare for the new year by starting a new playlist of songs…. for the past many years I’ve been using Spotify for this purpose – I create a new playlist that will be my “start to the new year”

The tradition looks like this: I play all of the old years of songs, and listen and reflect on lessons I’ve learned thru the songs and think of the places and people I interacted with during those times, and the growth I’ve had.

This year is no exception, I had a 2020 playlist that I started the end of Dec last year, and it grew – but I also started a second play list after the early times in the year seeming to be super chaotic – I needed a forceful reminder direction in my songs – so I started a stronger play list – both of which have served for my growth and development this year.

Now its time for a 2021 playlist. There are so so many thoughts rumbling around in my head for directions. This too will be a challenging year, perhaps not quite as much of extremes as this one past, but different things this year, as each one is – I am looking forward to seeing what it has, and my playlist always reflects this – atleast at the beginning, as the year progresses, and I add more songs of the “moment” it changes, and the dynamic between the songs is reflected.

Have talked with alot of old friends recently. Its very odd to consider that I am the age of my grandparents when I was born. This coupled with the new niece born this year – yes she is adorable, and I have work to do for her.

Had chemo last week, and I have encouraged the doctors to make my individual cycle 4 weeks vs the protocol of 3 – this is to allow my body a tad more time to heal and detox after each – but also because each treatment really takes me completely down and out for a solid week. On the plus side, its seeming without infection or other circumstances, that its ONLY a week. This is not pleasant, but it IS something I’m willing to come to terms with as doable. I can be in a very unpleasant place for a week, in order to have 3 weeks worth of incredible life.

Connected with some old friends over the past few weeks – the nature of the holidays and the end of the year – we think about wonderful past experiences, and we want to hold on tightly to those people we shared those with …. Thank you friends and family – Love all of you and I have enjoyed all the life we have embraced, danced, and rocked. Here is to many many more of those times.

There are a couple of stories rolling around in my head and thru my dreams,’ I’ve started drafting some of them in blog, but they are so disjointed right now – partially because of head things, and partially because the stories are healing stories in my dreams. In the past, some stories have come to embrace me and fill my heart only to be shattered at my unworkingness to document them out. This won’t be the case anymore, but I’m struggling with “other” challenges these days, that I will face with grace, poise and strong will.

Its an amazing thing to me to watch P grow and evolve. I’m still trying to persuade him to do the PHD program – he is slightly resistant…. It is something he has always “wanted” to do, and I’m just perpetually leaving breadcrumbs.

Its a blessed time of year for so many reasons, I’m blessed to have so many loved ones, friends, and family to share it with both physically and remotely. The technology of this day and age is fantastic, the ability to pick up a small device and see the world from a totally different place hours and hours away is more than remarkable, its a godsend, that I am extremely grateful for…. if I can’t travel to be close to the people I love, at least I can share time and thoughts with them in a virtual world in which we both can thrive. Thank you universe for all our advancements.

I am both grateful and cringing at all the health things I know are coming for me in 2021. Its going to be a year of rule slapping on the back of the wrist, but its also going to be a year of amazing incredible things. I’m looking forward to being here bright and happy to experience both. May this coming new year be one of prosperity and growth for all of the people in my life.

I think Heart said it best when they sang: “These dreams go on when I close my eyes”

So I mentioned to P yesterday that its actually pretty common in my “healing” work to have some crazy dream occur in my sleep. When I look back at the particular fantasy world or the objective in the dream i was reaching to, its always health – even if sometimes the story is crazy mad.

In my returning to WOW (Worlds of Warcraft a MMORP – Massive Multiple Online RolePlayer Game) many of my dreams have been about a particular dungeon in this world. Its a bit of a “time saver” when I can use someone elses fantasy world lol – IDK if time saver is the right word, but it definitely is somewhat helpful for those times when nature wakes me and I try to return to sleep. Ive also found for whatever reason – probably not as positive one – that nature doesn’t wake me as often or as frequently when I’m using their world – probably something to do with being “more” disconnected from my body, rather than “just don’t have to go” — but maybe I’m just seeing this from an overly critical side.

I’m enjoying my time gaming again – it feels “normal” so much in life right now feels snafu (situation normal all F@d up) but gaming feels… well even the unpleasantness within feels like “thats just the way it is” there is some recognizable pattern that is easy to flow back into for me. I suppose any type of routine would be like this – some more some less constructive – but this is mine. Or the one I’ve had for 15+ years.

Its been interesting to watch many of my friends grow into family people – getting married, having babies, having the babies grow into young people… and watching them struggle with whether to let them game. – It really is a reflection/alternative reality.

I got my sister and mum introduced to a game this year – Animal Crossing – they are both still regularly enjoying it – I play “ever once in a while” but mostly its not all encompassing enough for me.

I greatly enjoy the aspect of gaming that it pulls you in; to the elimination of all things. That is… until I realize I have missed some precious moment IRL that due to the all encompassing nature of, I didn’t’ realize was passing. C came over, I was in the middle of “things” — “things in the game” tend to go on and on and on… its other players your with, so they want to “press here” …”press here” … for hours. I realized he came over, and I heard him and P talking on the back porch. It wasn’t until much later in the evening that it “struck me” that I had missed out on spending time with him at all – he left while I was still doing “my thing” …. and while this was “not the end of the world” … for either point. It was a point where I somewhat missed out on something I’ve been looking forward to IRL for a few weeks. I care a great deal about C and his family, he did get to spend time with his brother without me interjecting, which is also nice, but it might have been nice to get to catch up some with him. They have been social isolating to the extreme – which is both good and sad for me from the selfish perspective. They are safe, I can’t really ask for more, but I do — lol I guess its human nature to always want more. I am very happy they are safe.

Had chemo yesterday. Its the first time that I can remember in a long long year, that I had the chemo WITHOUT an infection or antibiotics to muck up assessment of how it hits me. I’m very tired. got alot of sleep last night, alot of good quality rest – well until my water bottle decided to go flying off my night stand into the abyss beside my bed, releasing its wet goodness all over the cables and side of the bed – it was only 20ish ounces it let out. it was fairly easy to get back to sleep and the beauty of P being on vacation is that he had Starbuck on the quiet side allowing for the much needed rest. We will see if the sleep fades away in a couple days as expected, and maybe I’ll start the year with a bang, or at least more energy than I’ve been having.

Here is to hoping for more blessings in 2021.

Gratitudes abound, my mum got to spend the weekend with my new niece and she was so so happy, the pictures of her – this brought such a beauty and youth to her face. This year has all of my siblings successful and happy. I’ve gotten to reconnect with P and we are able to talk thru things that have for the rest of our marriage been put on a holding pattern. Life is good.

Was talking about the past few years and travel with P today.

Travel has always been one of those things “Id like to do more of this” for me. Was realizing that in the past decade I have taken ALOT of trips, but particularly in the past five years (16+) , and especially in the past 3 even excluding this year (7+), This is alot of travel.

I remember years ago talking to Phil about the idea that my favorite job would have me traveling frequently maybe not once a month but once a quarter, and without even realizing it – I’ve been doing that.

Maybe the trips are not what I envisioned, maybe they are alittle more domestic, a little more family than I had conceived – maybe they were also a little less financially producing than financially expenditure, but still what I wished and asked and envisioned – these things came to pass for me.

Right now, I’m envisioning a body that is whole and able to continue to do this, a world that will enable it vs restrict it, and conditions financially that allow me to do this at a marketable rate, vs having to fit the bill for all of it from my resources.

As a firm believer in the fact of what you put out into the universe is what the universe knows that you want when its time to “provide” those things to you…. and as Time is an illusion – its always time to provide those things to you.

Right now, its “time” for me to be past the learning of cancer. It has provided me with the knowledge I need. I’m still working to master these lessons; however they are all done schooling me, and its time to move to the next phase.

There will be trips “soon” as a relative word for time – to San Francisco to walk across the golden gate bridge so I can see the perspective of the world from that level and sort of throw my energy out into the ethers from there, and feel it travel around and thru the water from that height as well as enjoying the walking adventure across the bridge. It will also be a trip to bond with people I care about.

There will be a trip to Australia – I’m loosely planning this for my 50th – which is a few years away – while I know it will be a “longer” trip, as there are so so many things I want to see and experience, and it will probably include a jant to New Zealand as well, since its far enough away that the travel experience should include many many things on that side of the world.

Hopefully there will be a trip to Indonesia, this one is a little more sketch since I need to be significantly physical more able for this trip – alot of the temples and places I want to experience and explore require significant physical activity and endurance to reach. I will also need a traveling companion that desires this experience, can afford this experience, and is physically capable of dealing with the pressers themselves, as well as possible assisting me.

Many many trips, including possible back to Hawaii, possible Alaska, likely Seattle, Spokane, Oregon, and possible a few other States side locations. Maybe Italy, maybe Greece – so many places I wish to experience, cultures to explore …. I’m very open to the list of places my sister has defined as “cherry blossom trips” …. While not my own personal calling of places, it is for her, and I enjoy traveling with her.

It will be an interesting decade to be certain – just gotta get thru these first few years, and plan it out for maximum exploration.

I am grateful for all these possibilities, and my continued healing and growth. I am blessed to have so many people supporting me on this journey and enjoying the ride along the way. Lets all grow and explore together.

Learning is not easy. Taking that word apart, it has an “ear” it has a “lean” it has an “an” a “ring” a “lear” it has so many parts to the whole, it makes sense that mastering it or the lesson would be equally difficult.

Perpetually I’m surprised by the human spirit. Both the quick and selfish aspects, as well as the Strong and perseverance. We were out driving from one place to the next the other day, and there were so so many near miss incidents. People have patience like that candle that is your favorite that is really to low to keep burning. A car pulled out and cut across three lanes of traffic to slam on breaks right in front of us; when there was no traffic behind us for days. Then there was the vehicle that swerved thru three lanes playing frogger with the trucks there, only to rush up to the light ahead with no gain acquired, and no time gained.

These encounters remind me I’m not alone in my struggles to learn, they are abject examples of other people also on this path to wisdom and enlightenment at a place I’ve already encountered; while I’d like to think I’ve mastered it – its probably alot more accurate to say I’ve found the wisdom in the error of my ways…. Patience is like a vegetable garden, it needs perpetual maintenance and time.

I’ve had some very good days lately – days where I woke empowered and happy – ready to take on the world. Its not right to say I felt like the old Alethia, because she is a past time, and I am happy to be able to say that while there are aspects of her I miss; overall the growth has shown me that the new Alethia is right for me at this time. I have also had some struggle days – calling them bad seems a bit short sighted; because I still woke up, and had a beautiful amazing day filled with surprises and blessings to explore and enjoy. — Instead I am choosing to call them the lesser days.

The days where I struggle a bit to find that energy to “do” the thing I want to do.

Yesterday I had a friend help me with a “something” I was really hoping to do. It was a silly little thing, but man, finishing it so so amazing. Its like the feeling of soaring thru the sky at the speed of light. Being able to mark that checkmark – no matter how big, small, significant or insignificant the want is …. it still feels pretty good. I’m learning to embrace the fact that its okay – and necessary – to be able to “not” mark the checkmark all the time. That times will come again to mark it, and having a thing to check off, and being able to be disappointed are a good marker that I’m still learning.

The ability to embrace the struggle experiences, hug myself, seek a hug and realize … Even though its not the perfect thing, its still a thing, I’m part of it, and it is good.

P and I were talking and we were discussing the fact that these days it feels like we get SOOOOO much more done than we had in previous times, previous days a year or two ago. So many past days where the joy and celebration of completion wasn’t there. Life is being savoured, life is being enjoyed. Overall I’m thriving.

Sometimes when you don’t realize you are holding your breath, letting it go just feels so so amazing. That relief of knowing that the thing you were worried or concerned about being held by someone else, being supported, or being dealt with is so so cathartic.

I have had so many of these in recent days. So So many. Its amazing to me to realize how much stress I was holding onto. The letting it go is just like flying – I’m that balloon that has been freed from bondage and is flattening out all the stress as it zooms around the room. Thats me, just call me zoomy for short.

Its the holidays – I’m not sure what that means anymore. When every day is a blessing, every day has a somewhat holiday feeling to it – and celebrating being alive isn’t limited to one time of the year, no matter how hard Hallmark tries to market it that way.

In my life, I feel so much gratitude for the friends and family that surround me. They are always reaching out to send me happy things. Got a package this weekend, that was filled with happy little things, although at first, it was a mission impossible message, because it came without a return address or any signature. However we were able – my snoop team of D & P and I to conclude that it “probably” came from Jen. We further looked up the USPS to determine that it came from a place in central florida, further confirming our supposition.

I called to thank her, and also tell her that she had filled our time with a mystery. – Sometimes the unexpected game, when you determine specifically it IS safe, is kinda fun.

It was a box of happy things, small little boons to make me smile and to bring a little bit of joy in package. Typically Jen comes to visit, but this year has caused that to be put on hold. Keeping people safe overrides the desire for intimate contact. Here is looking for a time when we can fill each other with hugs of happiness and save the boxes for other things. It was an incredible gift, that made me smile like so many of the things right now.

Talked to D this weekend, and we both reflected on the fact that this trying year has also in gratitude been a year of incredible self reflection/self growth. Recognizing, reframing, redirecting old patterns towards stronger personal growth. Such an amazing thing, that has been elevated thru the choice to remain safe – to focus on these things, apply specific attention to them and allow them to be the fulcrum.

In this decade of gratitude starting out with the hard years is kinda well makes me a tad happy – because I’ve always been one to do the work first and enjoy the boons on the second half or after the work is underway. This year allowed for that in this decade of gratitude.

I feel gratitude for all the strong and healthy people in my life, you remind me perpetually to carpe diem and to keep working as hard as I can, because while tomorrow will be better – today is what I have, and its great just as it is, for the amazing things I can do today.

There is a concept that my Psychologist has been trying to get me to adopt that I think might finally have gotten thru my thick head…. “check in with myself”…. its a simple concept… one that I’ve simple skipped for 40+ years.

“Check in with myself? Check in with myself? … why would I need to do that, I’m here with myself all the time… ” … She was finally able to convey that while I’m here with myself, I’m really secretly “there” with everyone else… So checking in with myself is partially sanity, partially selfcare, and partially putting my needs first.

I can’t possible expect other people to worry about my needs, if I’m not worrying about them first. Physician heal thyself.

Speaking of Physician…. I had what i would consider in my 47 years one of the BEST doctor visits via teledoc yesterday…. Okay maybe not “the” best, but definitely in the top 5 – There is this new doctor – well okay she isn’t a new doctor but she is new to my healing team. She works at the close office I go to on the regular for treatments in the twice a week. She also has “medical privileges” which is apparently a thing, at the hospital I’ve been to twice over recent times… and the one I’d likely end up at if the need should arise again. This is a huge thing, it means she can treat me there, and also it means I can get my chemo at the close location instead of having to go to the far away location. This is not so much replacing my existing team, so much as adding a new member.

The new doctor went thru my medical history with a fine tooth comb and showed she had done her homework – because she had a ton of questions for ME. It was…. refreshing, to have a doctor care about my health as much as I do. This isn’t to say that the other doctor or healer members of my team don’t care about my health – but this doctor brought a new fresh perspective which was just incredible. She listened, and didn’t immediately want to start selling me on some treatment or drug, she wanted fresh tests, but she was willing to wait until the next cycle for them. I came away from the visit with a fresh sense of empowerment, that has been needed.

Edit: There was a section here, that apparently isn’t developed enough in my mind to write about, so its just going to get tabled for now, maybe it will show up eventually about deconstructed burgers and dorkiness.

For this new doctor, I had to “relist” my supplements, and they have my records all wrong, not indicating what I’m taking very well at all – so much so that I promised to get a new list with pictures to the doctor today when I go….. In taking this list; I’ve come to realize I take alot of things…. 16 different products – filled with many many supplements on the daily. This seems like quite a few to me, until I realize that nearly half are vitamins individually so that I can body test and only take them if I need them. As well as two different probiotics, and a couple of whole food things that work with the probiotics to keep my gut health perpetually improving even with the medicines working to blow things up.

Body testing is an interesting thing, had a dream about that too last night, as well as the edited part. I was explaining to this new doctor in the dream about the type/form of body testing I’m using. I’ve actually learned a couple other ones, but this is the one I’ve used for years, and the one that works best for me.

Sometimes life feels like a caucus race, the circle around and around – this is one of those times for me. Forwards, backwards, all the same, keep the wagons moving until its time to change direction.

P showed me an interesting article last night, where a data analyst had done some research to show that it only takes 11 specific counties to “win” the presidential election. Travis county is one of those 11 – “go Austin” …. It was a map that was extremely telling about demographics.

Life is very odd right now, but its still beautiful in all its struggles. The sun continues to rise, the temperature continues to play on the seesaw too, and life continues to go on. The blessings I’m thankful for are too numbered to count; I’m so grateful to have a life filled with them.

So I was talking to P last night, and thinking about my trips last year – I sorta made a comment at the end of last year, that I’d be taking this year to “not travel”…. this was before “conditions preventing travel” occured – it was more a matter of saving money, and focusing on healing at home…. but little did I know that the universe would assist me in this “goal”….

I digress

Thinking about my trips last year, this was facilitated by my mum posting some pictures from Key west trip – which was NOT my last trip last year – my last trip was to Spokane where I got to hang out with my friend’s parents and we went to Couer de’arlene. I was recalling that in our trip, we happened upon this boat dock thing, that I decided we had to walk around, because the views were just so incredible, and it was a long dock…. It was a mile and a half – a little known fact that I didn’t find out until we finished the walk.

This piece of information did not make me more tired, since it was an ephiany from after the walk. In hindsight, from this year, it was an inspirational piece of information. I was recalling that the walk was not overly taxing, it was taxing but I was able to do it without being exhausted or spent. We continued our adventure afterwards, including more walking around several other places. I was “able” to do this walk.

While I’m tired, and feeling physically so so weak these days – it is inspirational to realize this is something I DID last year, just a short period ago…. on a whim without even realizing it. This was ME not talking about other people, not someone else that did it, it was ME. I can get thru this weak period, this tired period, this period of physical down time – I can get back to being strong and capable.

I can reach my goal of walking across the San Francisco Bridge – its only a tad further than the walk I did last year. I have time, I have gumption, and gosh darnit I can do this. I’m stronger than I realize or remember often. I am healing, I am getting back to myself, and I will do these things.

Somehow, remembering the things I have personally done is just so so inspiring.

Today was a cooking day – I made marsala chai – having finished the last of it yesterday, and I made Banana bread – so that the …. Instacart is great for delivering groceries – especially in these days – but sometimes they make odd mistakes – we ordered 2 bananas – they sent 2 bunches of 6 bananas. There are two of us…. 12 bananas is alot …. so it was time to make Banana bread …. Darn the luck. My recipe for banana bread is one I enjoy greatly, its also pretty quick and easy. So with the bread, and the chai my house smells incredible, so it was a superwoman here I come to save the day activation day.

So many things to be grateful for …. Family chats are one of them…. My uncles – both of them, are something I greatly enjoy – I love talking with them, and hearing the antics of my cousins, recognizing the beauty and the shenanigans of it all…. and being able to reach out and talk to them with the push of a few buttons is a joy and a blessing.

In this day and age we are both so separated and so much closer than any other time in history. The diseases have happened many times in the past, but never has technology been available to ease our social isolation, and to bring our world together at the touch of a few buttons. I am grateful to be living in this time, for the social connections that keep us all together. Thank you universe for my blessings.

Kenny Rogers has come to mind a couple of time lately…. mostly because in addition the “the gambler” which overall seems incredible appropriate to me these days…. This song, for whatever reason makes me think of the Willie Nelson song “pretty paper” which is one of my all time favorite christmas songs.

Oddly I have given both of these songs a listen recently, and neither is as hopeful or positive as I’d remembered. To me, they represent inspiration and the best parts of humanity. In truth, they somewhat represent or seem to thru lyrics how to get by in adverse situations — “get by” not “get thru”

This is an interesting theme that keeps coming back to me over and over again.

I want to live a life of Positive Impact. This is incredible important to me.

Recognizing, that the most important step I can take in this direction at this moment in time, is to seize the day, and put myself first.

This is a hard thing to remember to keep in the forefront.

When bombarded on all sides with so so many other struggles, threatening to pull me under, threatening to smother me in their love and needs. To step back and say “No” …

To be honest, saying “no” is not something I’ve ever been particularly good at; while I have developed a mechanism for it, its not something I enjoy. That being said, its something I can see the import of; particularly right now, and I’m learning to embrace the benefit as a form of enjoyment of this small word, that carries so much weight.

Somethings are easier to say “no” to… “No” I won’t be dying of cancer – simple an easy thing to convey and also to believe.

Other things, like “No” I can’t do that thing you want/need. Much more challenging — however the second one helps facility the first, so I need to remember to stay focused on that.

Many causes for celebration – right now its for the smell of freshly oven roasting bacon in my kitchen. P and I talked, and I think we are going to make some Ginger Snaps this year as a holiday tradition. I didn’t realize that he actually loves these nearly as much as me — I also didn’t realize that they are basically a cookie version of my Marsala Chai … no wonder I love them so much. Some in my future.

Happiness has come and surrounded me like a comfy warm blanket today. I love this weather we are having – even if it makes the trees prosperous with their pollen all over the air…. which in turn makes my sinuses agitated.

There was an odd thing yesterday – a Ginormous Vulture was in our backyard, just off the porch. It caught my eyes, and I basically told it that it needed to leave. It hissed at me, … I got shoes for Phil and sent out my trusty attack dog – okay not really attack dog, but Dogs do love to chase away hissing birds….. It was a tad scary because this bird, was almost the same size as Starbuck…. but he forgets he is a little dog, and he chased that thing with all the size and might of a giant shepherd. It flew off… P eliminated the thing that had called it forth from the air, and hopefully both will have a better time somewhere out of my yard, and life.

Sometimes its good to remember the circle of life, particularly when you are chosing to change the rules, and evolve in a direction that is better for you, but goes against what others have declared is “the way” ….

So many blessings, and the best of them is that its December – we get a few more weeks to enjoy this blessed month, this holiday… and then usher in a new year of blessings in this decade of gratitude.

While I don’t think there is a quick resolution of these forced times of contemplation all of us are experiencing – I do feel that as the decade progresses, better roads will become available, and we will be evolving as a species to a better place.

Having come to the true realization that relaxing my mind is where I am able to heal my body. Having come to realize that I must maintain this relaxed state consistently right now…. I’ve been taking some steps to try and help me relax.

That being said, relaxed is not the same thing as happy.

It has come blatantly to my attention that not only must I be relaxed but I must be happy. Now I’m a spin doctor – and I don’t mean the band from 90s 🙂 although I suppose it has appropriateness which I’ll spiderweb in a moment….

Staying Happy – its something I’ve spent a good bit of my life “learning how to appear, and how to present” the overall feeling of happy.

When things get crappy, its easier to put on a smile than a frown. Its easier to see the brightside than to continue to seek the bottom of the whole. Its easier to look for the sun, look up at the clouds and the sunshine. These things, these “easy” things – they have a tendency to drag your mood along with it.

This is not to say that I am a “perpetually happy” person – I’m not, I just know the quickest way to get away from the crud is to focus on the positive. There is ALWAYS something good. There is always some way of viewing everything that has a light or a rainbow. Sometimes we just can’t see it.

In the course of this, its also easy for me to forget to acknowledge the fact that there is validity to my grump or sad. Those feelings are valid. They are real, they have meaning, they drive certain rhythms in my body, and failing to acknowledge them is how I got where I am in the first place.

Life isn’t going to be perfect. Its going to be filled with new miserable experiences all the day long – the goal is NOT to avoid all the miserable, the goal is to be able to live and endure the miserable with grace and humility, while surrounded in the comforting faith of the knowledge that miserable will blink away into bliss at any moment. The more you seek and gravitate towards the happy the sooner the bliss comes.

So the spiderweb. The song by Spin Doctors that was … well most famous “Two Princes”,,,, It goes thru this whole diatribe about two princes – two perspectives on reality and the accoutrements that go with them…. all to boil down to “be happy” …. sorta does seem appropriate.

All of this rambling to say …. it occured to me recently that I don’t have a good mechanism to tell – in Truth. When my emotional state is around a 2 or 3….. Recently I had an encounter that suddenly boosted me unexpectedly to a 6 … at which point it was super super easy to identify “Hey I was feeling real bad” …. The not overly unexpected thing was I had been feeling really really physically bad… but the emotional state going to a six…. it sort of bolstered my immunity in an instant, and I suddenly felt like this dark heavy weight of “ill” was lifted. I was physically feeling better because emotionally I was feeling better.

I’ve had a couple of times lately, when my old “stand by” emotional go to of emotional eating …. wasn’t going to be satisfying enough to be what I wanted. IE – when you can’t think of something that sounds so good to eat, that you know it will give you a brief moment of “aha” emotionally – well that’s emotional eating, but when you can not come up with anything to give you that boost…. that tool … that “emotional eating shovel” …. it just isn’t working. Time to explore the shed! Time to find some other tools – Heck maybe they were be of better service to me…. The old one certainly has had its ups and downs over the years.

Going back to the beginning of this thought – I need someway to help me “yellow light” that emotional state – rather than trying to “as usual” move it…. I need something to help me say “Hey there is a something in the road…. maybe lets not just drive past it at top speed”….

My body is too smart for my mind – it recognizes “Aha your a 2 time to focus on playing vs healing”…. My body is a spoiled 2 year old – time to pay the piper and get it back into a healthy learning path.

Song for this moment in time is “Friction” by imagine dragons – just an appropriate song for the the day and things im feeling.

Its a thing for me when I realize i get so caught up in the things happening to me that suddenly things happening to other people make me realize that while my things are huge for me – other people have things that are just as big and frightening for them. That perspective and knowledge of shared humanity and the realization that this year has been truly hard for all of us – while humbling its also empowering because i realize somehow i can do it. Somehow hearing the struggles and challenges of others makes me realize I can do it with my own.

Was talking to P about the holidays- its a time when we both really miss his mom – it was her favorite holiday and she was like a santa elf or a child fulled with glee at this time of year…..: its also one of my brothers favorite holidays. Watching and hearing all the joy he gains this time of year is always uplifting. Its not a favorite for P or I – its not that we dislike it or anything just sorta a lesser one so we haven’t really ever established a true “tradition ” of things we do ever year—- we have tried a few nothing has really stuck for us. Maybe this is the year…… id have likes to repeat last years of a limo ride to see lights but its just not a doable with the conditions of the year— better to be safe than sorry.

Its an amusing thing the dreams ive had lately too many for words- atleast in this space – and too many super weird ones. – like the train that went around the inside of my house….. but so so many of them.

Trying to embrace so many lessons ive learned about myself this year and evolve into a better stronger person. Somethings are easier and somethings are harder but all of them are learning and ill get there eventually just gotta keep trying. The journey is teaching me so much i am truly blessed to continue enjoying it.