Feel a little like the picture of a boat sailing in choppy water, where the ocean is threatening to overcome the sides of the ship on the left and the right. Cannons to the left of me, cannons to the right.

Just have to keep on target, and sail thru these choppy waters.

There are many good days, I’m surrounded by good days, days where I feel pretty great, almost so much that I forget about things, and I’m able to just be a rational, kinda human being. Where things all feel, well, mostly comfortable and normal.

What is normal? I’m not sure I know anymore. I’m not sure it has a definition either, normal seems to be the state of the union for my body, and that is in such a constant state of flux.

On the not great days, sometimes I have to remember that weather still happens, and my sinus’s will still be sore from pressure systems. That I’ll still get headaches from pollens, and molds. I’ll still get headaches randomly from loud noise, or conditions that are anxiety ridden. That these have nothing to do with the state of the union. They are not a failure, rather they are a – perhaps calling them pleasant is a bit too much, but they are definitely a reminder that I’m alive, and still fighting.

I cooked today, its a pretty great day, I made this stirfry stuff, and it turned out fabulous, it’s like a curry sauce, with a slight bit of heat, just a tiny bit, enough for a good flavor. I like being able to do this, to harness the produce and things I’ve bought, and actually bring the plans to fruition.

Some Days aren’t like this, some days I have to take a detour on the way to albuquerque and take a nap. I’ve come to a white flag with naps, and I recognize their value far exceeds my abhorrence for taking the down time. It helps that I normally wake refreshed and comfortable after a nap as well.

I’m very thankful for the people in my life. I’m surrounded by happy people that perpetually make me realize that life is good. Which is why last evening, when I was suddenly caught in the middle of someone else’s torment of life, that I was reminded that other people’s drama is not mine. Time to focus on my spoons, and let them just be…. They will sort themselves out, or not.

Have been looking and studying quite a bit about music therapy things. There is some interesting science about the harmony/vibrations of particular hrz in terms of cellular resonance. I’ve been dabbling with some playlists on spotify, that have particular ones, and I must say, that some of them work differently for me than anticipated. Data analyst part of me is still working with this, but I will say intuitive is very much along this path, and calling for this type of information.

Its pretty interesting to me, that when you are “in the zone” that when you call to things in the universe, in the universal consciousness, or “God” depending upon how you view/believe. Its interesting to me how quickly response is provided, if it’s actually something you need or should be working with…. So many examples of this right now, where I ask for a particular thing, and suddenly its here, just waiting for me to use it. – Many universal thanks again to my step-mother – or rather “mom #2” – for the Merkaba she provided me with – its great, and precisely what I was asking/needing.

I wonder where the term “step” came from. I have a step mother, step father, step sister…. I think originally “step” allowed me to have distance, so maybe thats where its from – a way of separation. I have to say, I’ve sort of come to believe that none of these people are really “step” anything to me – just because they aren’t biologically the title, somehow they have characteristics that make them a part of my human experience, but it does get confusing to have multiple moms, dads, and siblings with different parents.

I guess data analyst is always looking for labels. Something to classify, and sort. I suppose I could just call them all “loved ones” its a bit generic, and tends to encompass people that aren’t just family. I have alot of adopted family that definitely fall into loved ones, but that wouldn’t actually or legally fall into family regardless of title.

Sometimes the labels seem to serve the purpose of providing an artificial separation. A way maybe of viewing people are more separate. Its a classification, but a way of creating division perhaps, I dunno maybe today is just wax poetic about nonsense day – but wait thats everyday! 🙂

Starbuck and I meditated today – its one of a few times he was allowed into my meditation room. He is doing dogi chi right now, as I ramble. Watching him go from play to relaxed is always something I’ve enjoyed. Its rather amazing to me how versatile animals are, there are definitely things to learn from them.

Here is to learning, all sorts of things, from all sorts of sources, and remembering that after the showers come the flowers.

Lyrics for today, are actually “only” from this one storytellers version of this song – thanks Rick – this is hands down my favorite version of this song, and seems appropriate for today.

Lyrics first link: https://genius.com/Counting-crows-mr-jones-live-version-vh1-storytellers-lyricsYoutube of the song: https://youtu.be/AwXltVvuoCY

“So you wanna be a rock and roll star, well listen now to what I’m saying, just get an electric guitar, take some time learn how to play”

There was a quote I heard once, that is very much the writing echo of this one above – “Writers, Write” – I can’t remember/google to find it – seems like its too generic, and appropriate to deserve much specific credit. I’ll just take it to say, as truth.

I love writing. I always have, I don’t feel its a passion exactly for me, its more like breathing. Its a method for my hands, specifically my fingers to connect to my head and my heart. It allows them to try and keep pace – as if they ever could, but I guess thats the game. To boldly go where my head and heart are traversing.

I’m lazy. Or more, as I recently pointed out to someone else I love greatly, while I do have some laziness tendencies, mostly I play this subconscious game – lets call it the “laziness game” – many of us learn this in life, although in my experience its learned more readily by non-only children thru the course of childhood. Its that tendency towards “maybe if I wait someone else will do it for me” – which is NOT precisely the same thing as laziness. Laziness is deciding to wait, because you don’t want to do it, or doing it requires more energy than you are presently willing to invest.

This game of laziness is more a matter of a warped sense of hopefulness. Its a matter of hoping and relying upon laurels of good energy output in and from the universe to provide for your desires, with no effort on your part. Its the “win” of no effort. However, the amusing part about this game is “THERE IS” an effort, and the rude part, is that usually we self deprecate ourselves whether we are winning or losing at the game. We negative speak to ourselves BECAUSE we are being lazy, rather than taking time to enjoy the game.

I have come to realize, that this game is unhealthy for me, if I am playing subconsciously. I have also come to realize that being lazy is not always a bad thing. However, sometimes, being lazy is not allowing me to amplify the energy towards goals I feel are important.

Back to writing. I have been lazy. I am going to work on this. Thank you for inspirations from a few friends, that reminded me – in the same voice I have reminded countless people. Live is about pursuing your passions, about the things that make you happy, doing them – not just wanting or desiring, or wishing – DOING.

Writing makes me happy. I don’t always have things to say, but I can always manage to fill a page with words, even if its just talking about filling a page with words – thanks “Blues Traveler – the hook”

Mostly I do have things I feel the desire to say, to share, and otherwise inject in my unique blend of sarcasm, amusement, and generally life method of writing. On to one of those now!

There is a new thing I got, its a blood sugar monitor – long story on this one, but the new medicine they have me on to help with the seizures since the hospital – one of the side effects for me, is that it drops my blood sugar quickly surprisingly low. How low you ask? This is the same question I have been asking, so I decided to venture into this “avenue” of things.

The people in my life closest to me, laughed at this, as they know me well enough to know that the thought of sticking myself with a needle daily to monitor this, or to check it is NOT something that will ever be appealing to me – however, they were quieted from the perspective that I AM a data person, and you can’t make educated/informed decisions with out specific data points. The doctor at the hospital was like “maybe if you check it, and its low, you can just have someone stick you with some insulin to make sure your safe” – As I thought to myself, lady – I’m not a diabetic, I don’t just have a blood monitor around, nor do I have insulin – its not like it grows on trees, it requires an RX – which first off requires a primary care doctor – both of which I do not have……

However, her sentiment, was somehow intuition based. I paused at this, and realized, checking blood sugar, and a way to monitor it on the fly was not only important, but was something I needed at this point. So on to the search…. or rather on to Amazon, the great mall of this time and space – or in the words of a great old movie from Disney – (bednobs and broomsticks) Port-a bellow road

In my hunt, I came across this beauty of a device, that takes my iPhone and turns it into a portable monitor with the use of a cool test trip. (https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/B07G3BNXR6/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o02_s01?ie=UTF8&psc=1)

I feel like this maybe more gimmicky than value, but I’ll be testing it to check, and honestly I’m a sucker for the gimmick thingies when it comes to tech. Now I just need to get past my nervousness of sticking myself – its one thing to let my acupuncturist stick me again and again, or my tattoo artist stick me again and again, or my nurse poke me with some stuff, or the hospital nurse lancet me to check my blood while in the hospital – Sticking yourself requires a slightly different headspace, and it feels like one of those reality show challenges of kitchen nightmare, or bake off or iron chef – with Who will reign supreme – Me or the Lancet. We will see if this is a challenge I am up to, or if I have to lose to the pirate who claims I will not be able to do this…. Sometimes he does win, but I’m stubborn enough to keep trying to beat him, so we will see how this turns out.

Odd spiderweb here, when it comes to Amazon, and its major appeal, it was an interesting thing to me, since about 80% of my purchases are made thru Amazon, and its now super easy to track your spending – but more than that, I use “smile” which is the amazon donating thing, and it was a super super feel good moment to be able to see precisely how much money has been donated, thru no specific action, other than my normal shopping/buying to the cause of my choosing “https://polkadogz.org/ ” – its an animal rescue that my Aunt and Uncle help out, and donate significant amount of human power to support. Its a super feel good thing, to see how much donation I generate for them, based upon selection power only. Thanks Amazon for earning your gold star.

I recently started drinking more matcha tea, and I have to say, it is doing very very good things for me, that coupled with my mud wtr, is a well – its definitely not a lack of caffeine lol – but its all the good stuff in both of these that is helping my body heal, and my mind clear. And on that happy note, I think its time for another cup.

The little engine that could, keeps popping thru my head. If I keep breathing, and I keep plugging along, some things will get easier, I know this to be the truth.

I did 15 minutes today. I walked to the “long away” mailbox. its almost exactly 15 minutes there and back. The weather was beautiful. It started out in the 40s today, and I wasn’t sure it would get warm enough, but I told myself if it was atleast 65 at 2pm I’d do a walk.

Its hard sometimes, 15 minutes seems so short, the walk of 10-15 seems so worthless. I know for a fact its not, but the perception really is reality, so I need to change mine to believe that the time is the time, no matter how much I can do today. Tomorrow will be different, all of the tomorrows.

The treatments get into my brain, with the lymphatic system compromised from the surgery a few years ago that removed just an excessive amount of lymph nodes, the drainage gets stopped up. Drug and medicine gets stopped up in my head, and while on the one hand that’s helpful, on the other its not. I need it to get thru my entire body, and I need it to leave at an orderly fashion as it was intended. The best way for me to ensure and facilitate this, and to promote good processes in my body is to move.

Even when its hard, and I’m tired, and I don’t feel like it, I need to move. They didn’t get across the desert by being complacent and stagnant. They had to move. They didn’t get across the sea by being complacent and stagnant. Every religious leader in all of the stories had their time of movement and time of activity. While I’m not claiming or really even desiring to be a religious leader, the example has been set, the bar has been placed, and I know that for health and wellbeing I need to move.

After much thought and many discussions I have come to accept that a small amount is far far better than none. I’m just trying to reconcile this still. Knowing that the “good” endorphins start to come out after 15 minutes makes it really alot harder to do less than that…. Even if right now, thats all I can manage.

Today when I walked, there was another person walking – a guy he was coming from the other way, and it was … an interesting observation. He also had on a grey shirt and black pants, and his head was bald, he looked like – well honestly I felt solidarity because the sense I got was that he was another fellow cancer survivor. I was going to speak of solidarity as I smiled in passing, but he had a huge scowl – perhaps struggling alot harder in his movement progression – and had his headphones soundly in place. I smiled and waved and kept on with my walk. The sky was beautiful, the weather was the perfect temperature and I still had half the walk to go.

As I passed one house on the way back, I noticed there was a couple outside – I hadn’t noticed this passing on the way out, maybe they weren’t there, but I could swear it was the same couple I saw at the treatment place yesterday.

Yesterday when I had my new shot for hormone suppression – perhaps I should digress a little and explain. I have always had a fear and tremendous anxiety around shots. This has been for as long as I remember, having avoided them like they were some sort of horrendous plague – I recall as either of my parents can easily confirm, from my earliest visits, I would cry, scream, shout cajole and otherwise try and maneuver my way out of the shots I had to get for immunization. I recall this many many times, so much so that they would NEVER tell me in advance if it was time to go to the doctor and time for a vaccination. I feel part of my innate ability to detective, or puzzle things out in advance, my ability to predict and determine what will happen, is from this very factor. I would not know we were going to the doctor until we were almost there, and as soon as we were there, I would immediate seek confirmation we were getting shots, and then I was just simple inconsolable. –

Sorry mom and dad for this, I’m not certain where it came from but I know there is some truth in the fact that strong emotional things linger in our cells, and perhaps it was / is time for this one to go away. I was extremely anxious before the shot yesterday. Not at all anxious about the medicine being injected or anything other than relative to the actual needle in my backside – yes they have to inject this particular one in the rump, its a time delayed type of thing only given once a month, and by injecting it into the meaty part of your tush, it keeps the meds on a somewhat slow release type of thing – which honestly is probably really good since it causes Menopause symptoms as the side effect of all its suppression goodness. Extra hot flashes, with a side of moody, thanks loves, and a sore spot in the tush to remind me that I elected for this….

Sufficed to say, as I waited for the nurse to “prep” the meds, I was sitting in one of the infusion chairs where I would get my chemo treatment, and I was vocal – not so much like a child although I suppose its arguable like a child in an adult version lol – I was whining incessantly to Phil, quite vocally, and I was apparently quite amusing to the couple who was across from me. Apparently they must have had a child with a similar reaction as me to shots! I didn’t get to ask, but their amusement did serve to calm me down somehow.

I had the shot, which thanks to one of my favorite nurses, in my previous weeks lament, had suggested I use the lidocaine I had from the port they installed to make chemo treatments safer and easier, and the conversation the day before at my lab draw with this nurse where I had her mark the specific spot for the injection, and the clever husband who was able to help me get the entire area completely numb before the injection. The shot actually really wasn’t all that bad, I could hardly feel it and it was super fast, the nurse was good. I came back from the shot, and the couple was still laughing, now with me instead of at me, and I was apologizing to everyone in the room for my silly overactive behaviour.

One of the other guests at this infusion place, asked me strikingly: Have you had anything that was worse? To which I replied, that is a trick question, she answered, I know, but my goal is to make you think about this a minute. I did, and I replied, many things have been worse, and I think the anxiety about the shot – I explained to her all of the information above – was the worst. It allowed me to process a little bit, and while I can’t say I’m exactly looking forward to the next shot, I am somewhat appreciative for the opportunity to continue to release these pent up locked up things from inside my cells.

I can craft a newer better me, as I go along this journey. So many opportunities, so many hills left for me to conquer.

Carpe Diem Baby, Carpe Diem.

And now for something very different……

The thought occurred to me the other day, somewhat a profound one. That Politics, is really supposed to be Polite Conversations, or discourse on differences of thought.

One thing that has struck me recently. Regardless of which candidate one chooses to support, or choses to disavow. This election, much more so than perhaps many in the past years, is about Trust.

Trust is a very intimate and personal thing. Its not something that you can necessarily harmonize with someone else, or necessarily have in precisely the same way with someone else, as we are all special snowflakes in a sense, and our trust, is intimate and personal.

The goal of our government, and our political system, and specifically the president, as the “parent” in charge of this system, to ensure that its learning, growing, and evolving along the best possible course to achieve these goals, is “Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness. ”

So really, when one is debating about “who” has the right method, and “who has the best option” – it’s really more about which person you “trust” to ensure, and protect your “Life, Liberty, and Pursuit of Happiness”

There are many organizations in our country, that we have “invented” to help pursue these things, and to help ensure these things, for the greater populous. The CDC, the FDA, the National Park Service, the Judicial System….. the list goes on and on…. All of these organizations ultimately, the president has the influence, and much like a parent with the School, or Doctor of a child, the Parent has the power to direct, or change how things are handled or controlled. As a child, we trusted our parent to handle our decisions. As a Citizen, we trust our president to handle these things, and chose wisely, the course of our nation and the things that influence our lives – our Life Liberty and Pursuit of Happiness.

Its not a matter of party, or political view about most things that seem to get alot of talking points and pressure. Its really not about anything specifically financial. When you are dying, what you care about is Life. When you are oppressed, what you care about is Liberty. When you are sad, or trapped, or in general in life, you care about the ability to pursue happiness, about national treasures.

Think not about what your president can do to protect the “goodies” you get or want, but think about what this person can do to ensure that your Life is not in danger, that your ability to chose is not in jeopardy, and that your ability to explore and find your way to the best possible happiness is not stifled.

Back to where we started. Who do you trust?

Had a very very odd dream last night. It was a toss between my current self, and my teenage self. I was at an open area movie theatre. Seated type, somewhat classy but open to the sky. To my knowledge this isn’t a place I’ve actually been to, but it was a combination of maybe ten different theatres I’ve experienced in my life.

With me, were my sister as a younger version of herself, and herself now. My brother, as his younger self, and himself now. My cousins, all three of them as younger versions of themselves, and the adult versions I most recall them being – much younger than they are now. My mother as her younger self- circa de my current age, my step father, as a interesting version of himself of today with some elements of a younger man.

Missing from this dream were my husband and his family. However its interesting to note, that the tech and the accoutrements I had at this theatre experience, like my purse, notebook things, were all of “today” like things I would pull from a shelf in my room at this time.

It was some sort of show we were going to see, not exactly a movie, not exactly a rock concert, not exactly a comic, just a “show” and people were taking pictures of their friends/pals like coordinated selfies type of thing. I tried to do this with my current phone, and I somehow couldn’t get us all into the frame.

There was this young kid, offering to take pictures. He offered to take my camera/phone and get us all into the frame, as I had watched him do for the other couple of groups that were sitting in front of us.

At first, I was quite obliged to just hand him my phone. But I recalled, as we had entered this place, that the man at the concession stand, had been commenting to the girl at the concession stand, people who seemed some what familiar to my mind, but not enough to stand out, they were talking about how “I’d never give my phone to a stranger, and I’d never keep my cc’s in my phone. If you lost the phone, you would lose your whole life, and the cc just make the identity theft so real too” – something about this conversation sort of struck a chime in my head, as I went to hand this kid my phone, and I immediately took the phone out of the case, where I store my id and cc’s. The phone seemed so bare and naked out of its case, but I figured alls well that ends well.

The kid took the phone and backed up as if to take the picture, and then immediately shouts out “sucker” as he proceeds to run off with my phone. He puts on a helmet as he runs thru the theatre and jumps on a well – he is like a 8 or 9 year old kid, so he jumps on a small like tricycle scooter and starts to ride off into the sunset, inside this theatre with my phone. I go to grab the scooter, missing by a tiny bit, and then start to give chase, only to realize that this isn’t going to end well for me.

Somehow, I recall I have some safety measure on my phone that, to my knowledge doesn’t actually exist, but it some sort of an EMF buzzer, and I activate this by a tab inside the case. This somehow turns off his scooter, and suddenly my family is all swarming hims bike. We capture him, and find his pockets full of other peoples tech, and we recover my phone. We turn this kid over to the management of the theatre, and now suddenly the “show” whatever it was that we had come to watch is over.

As we start to pack up to leave, I am overcome with the fact that I have so much junk packed in the seat backs of the seats in front of us. I start pulling out jackets, and notebooks, and other odds and in, things I obviously felt I couldn’t live without for the brief period of the for this event. The items, I keep setting on top of my cousins, who are still sitting in the chairs, my sister, and brother who are trying to help me organize and gather them. All of these items somehow fit into the backpack I am currently using when we entered, and I unpacked them all, but now there is like 10 times the amount of items to the amount of space. I am creatively trying to figure out how to deal with this problem, and the next gathering for this theatre is starting to arrive, I am feeling the pressure to “hurry”

My family, and friends – apparently there are a couple other folks here with me at this adventure, or they have shown up just to help me accomplish this packing up of things. We are struggling, there are literally 10 jackets – little hoodies that I have stuffed into seat backs, in the event that the place got cold – there is one for everyone. Notebooks, with some history of whatever it was we came to see or do, and each seat has one, old wallets, new wallets, with some trinkets and bobbins that might be useful. Just an overwhelming amount of things, that I am tempted to leave just where they are, feeling so detached from them all, but even that doesn’t quite seem appropriate because there are other folks waiting to fill these seats.

Rick and Diana, with the help of Kristi, Alana, and Michael quickly help me wrestle all of these supposed treasures into arms, and bags, and put them on or tie them up and we start to hobble out of the theatre.

It was a humbling experience. I’m not precisely certain exactly which of so many visible messages I’m supposed to be getting out of this dream. There were just so so many thoughts and avenues of thought here.

As the universe has been pestering me to blog, and as its now March 1, and I’m committing to new strong avenues of pathways to health, I figured it was time.

Welcome to the overactive imagination that I live with from moment to moment. Thank you for being in my world, as I sift through the years and years of cells that have taken on emotions and patterns that don’t belong within them, and as I work to release these, and heal my body.

Okay more lyrics time:

Song is: Save yourself by Stabbing Westward – Lyric that has always always been a go to for me is the chorus of this song:
“I can not save you
I can’t even save myself
So just save yourself”

Right now I am reminded that my job is not to save anyone else other than myself. I’m fighting. I’m working on finding solutions, some moments I fall off the track, it isn’t about the fall, its about the strength to get back up.

Right now many of my loved ones are facing their own falls, we are all looking for power from the inspiration of those that are doing it, going thru the motions. I know they are there, just like the fact that the sun and the weather tells me its nearly spring, and that the birds are busy doing bird things and there will be baby birds coming soon. The strength is there, its in the universe, I just have to harness it and keep it going.

Today I fell. I slipped up and had some amazingly delicious, horrible bad treat that is only available “for a limited time’ – I didn’t eat it for emotional reasons, I ate it because I wanted it. I wanted the taste. It was so so good, so so worth it. Until it was gone, and then abruptly I started feeling really physically bad. I know it was a bad choice, I know choosing to do it was bad. The physically feeling horrible, the sugar feeling horrible after so long not having a sugar binge like this, really felt super lousy, on top of just feeling my body suddenly wanting to crash, sleep and feed all that horrible toxic badness to the stuff I’m trying to shoo shoo out of my body. I went to nap, because I literally was struggling to keep my eyes open from the crash. I tried eating some celery to slow down the sugar, and it helped a tiny bit, but not enough. Sleep seemed like it.

As I lay down, to drift off, I recalled a recent passage in the book I’m reading right now… https://www.howtostarvecancer.com/ She mentions about the fact that if your going to eat one of the “bad for your cancer” things, you should work out soon/immediately after, so that your body tries to burn it or use it as fuel for your muscles. This came to my mind as i was trying to drift to sleep and I took this as my intuition trying to tell me “No, not nap, workout” – so I got up, put on my tennis shoes, and walked on the treadmill… I know this sounds a little odd, but when my intuition says something, I listen. I have to say, even though its only a short little walk I can do super slow right now – my short walk, fixed the feeling like crap. I feel instantly more alive, more alert, and maybe my body is helping me deal with my poor choices and helping me from inadvertently killing myself.

This book I reading, its interesting, so interesting that I picked up two copies for both of my favorite doctors, and “wrapped them up” – like book covers from the 80s 🙂 as the content is excessively controversial, and I don’t want to get these two doctors who I am keeping on my team, and on board with helping me kill this cancer, I don’t want to get them into hot water, but I do feel this is information they might find valuable. They may also be able to explain some of the sciency things that are just – well I’m struggling with them. Its a well written book, but even when my brain was its former glory I’m not sure I would have followed along, this lady has a science background, and I do not.

Spiderweb time, it has come to my attention that the reason that my dog is such a “mean dog” – aka “asshole” – is because I have somehow inadvertantly trained him to be my personal “ptsd” or “anxiety” dog. He reacts HEAVILY with barking and bad/more dominant behavior when I am stressing. I have tested, and tracked this…. its kinda uncanny. This is somewhat interesting to learn, as well as helpful but also down right annoying.

One of the struggles I’ve been having with reducing my stress, and anxiety, is that I don’t recognize when I am stressed or anxious. I mean once I get to “attack” phase its pretty easy, but recognizing the triggers pre that point are not something I have found a “aha” moment for…. my general take on these types of things has been “suck it up buttercup” and just power thru… which is apparently not “no stress or anxiety” its apparently “step one” … so somehow, having him start to be freaking out – which inadvertently makes me really feel bad, like makes my head hurt and makes me grouchy – somehow this has become my “step one.one” – which has allowed me to go back and go “wow that was a trigger?!?” — But most importantly, it has allowed me to instantly stop the escalation with the tools I have, and allowed me to calm down and prevent further escalation. I’m sure this will be a good thing, once I figure out how useful a tool it actually is – but more importantly, having these “wow” moments has allowed me to “suck it up buttercup” in a different way and just take the anti anxiety meds I need right now when I can anticipate that a situation is GOING to cause a moment. (sorry Nancy)

Overall, this has created a more peaceful happier me. Go figure, go pup go.

Speaking of meds – got to finally stop taking the blood thinners! Yeah team, clots all gone. This was something that was minorly concerning to me, but mostly I’m just super glad to be done with those.

In other unexpected things, finally had follow up with Neurologist about the hospital thing – I have to say, I was not anticipating good things from this appointment, and perhaps it was my super super low expectations, or perhaps it was just that this doctor was — he came highly recommended by my oncologist – who its worth mentioning has made some Incredible doctor recommendations to me in general. I went in with a strong desire/hope for one course of action, and this doctor was able to explain to me a few gaps in my puzzle of events/realities that I had not concerned, but that made complete sense, and thru this discourse was completely able to rationally convince me by my own desire, that keeping things as they are presently was the best course of action. Its not very often that someone can completely change my plan of action – I think alot, I rationalize alot, before I present a plan I have considered all of the aspects/parameters that I can see and consider, weighted them heavily and chosen the one that gives me the greatest outcome to my personal nervana – which these days is “quality of life – while fighting to kill of the cancer” All in all, it was one of the best doctor visits I remember in a very long time. He listened, he heard, he countered in a way that was both logical, clear and concise, I agreed with his assessment, and while he was willing completely to be persuaded to my perspective, I agreed with the course of keeping things stable for now. I can say, while its surprising to me, I actually feel happier and more content with this decision than I did with my initial plan from entering.

I love that I can still be pleasantly surprised. I love that I still have so much to learn, so much to understand, so much more to achieve.

Still many more good days than less good days. Still feeling overall better and better. Have resolved to get back on the strong choices to 95% good things March 1st, this is going to include a much more return to vegan style for most of my eating, much to the sadness of my love with Dairy and red meat.

Overall, things seem to be going pretty well, I have upcoming great trips to look forward to, and while I’m still a little anxious from what the hospital bills will be, when they finally arrive – I am so so thankful for very good insurance.

Have had some incredible dreams lately with so many possibilities of things, most I can’t even remember, I just wake up feeling good. Coupled with these highs are the lows of watching and crying through Moana – I’m mourning the loss of old life things, but its not in a bad way, its just in my own way, of knowing I need to let them go, so there is space for the new better way of doing things I’m learning now, and crying through such an incredible Disney movie is one of the best ways/tools I have for releasing that sadness and giving it a happy home. So when the ocean picks that little child going for the shells, and I am balling my eyes out, its in sorrow, but its also in joy. The balance is real, and my heart is okay with that.

I have to say thank you to the universe for the weather we have had the past week too, while I know its miserable, and many folks have been pretty discontent – its kinda my favorite type, dark gloomy, overcast, chilly and rainy. Its much like the weather I love from Seattle. It has put a tiny spark in my heart of calm, for the fact that I am itching for a trip up NW, and I know I have another month and a half to wait to get there. Thanks Universe, for bringing me the glimpse! — Feel free to return to the normally scheduled Texas weather 🙂

Lyrics always come to me for titles, don’t ask why – just a song person – one of those people that somewhat breaths songs. There is this thing that I learned how to do back in middle school around 7th grade I believe. Circular breathing. I had understood the concept of it even earlier, with church choir, but it didn’t snap into place in my mind until I was working on a solo for a performance, and suddenly I realized I wasn’t exactly holding my breath, but I wasn’t breathing normally, I was somehow breathing as I was singing.

Its an interesting thing, circular breathing. Its breathing in and out as you talk or sing in a sense. Allowing the breath to control your vocal cords and somehow just facilitate the voice via exhalation and inhalation. Its something, I have done since that time, although I’ll confess I’m a horrible teacher of it, having a functional understanding, but not really a practical understanding of what precisely I’m doing with this technique.

I just know, it has allowed me to talk over people, and thru people, and perpetually go on talking and talking and talking without pause ad infinitum to the distress of others going “how is she still talking” Its an interesting tool with regards to debate.

Suffice to say, I feel quite strongly it has saved my life. Hard to explain this feeling, other than to say my lungs are quite strong with regards to breathing, and my body has in addition to a strong fight sense for survival, a good strong sense of how to control my breath for sustaining life.

I digress. This blog wasn’t about that at all, but more about the life part.

I’m feeling alot these days, strong feelings about life. About how its about joy. Doing the things that bring you joy, and happiness. Not to say that the other mundane things aren’t valuable, they are just significantly less important.

Was coaching a friend recently, on advice for life. I laugh at this, I am far from a poster child for how to live ones life, with the exception of the fact that I am spending my days fighting for the right to be included among the living. And most days, I’m more than winning, I am enjoying the day in the process.

Some things I have learned, thru intuition and thru specific non earthly messages. Control is an illusion, and the sooner I release and let it go, the better off I am as a whole, particularly in the health area. The less I aim to channel or focus things, the more flexible my healing skills and those healings directed at me, are more able actually help me in the way I need, verses the way I feel or think I need – which I too suffer from the common problem of getting in the way of what my intuition has told me, or I know I should be doing.

There is an irony in the fact that I drank the Kool-aid, and followed the Nancy Reagan adage of “say no to drugs” – having gone thru the bulk of my life completely avoiding drugs. The irony being the quantity of drugs I have experienced, been forced, coerced, recommended, and pleaded with to accept and endure, now years later. Sorry Nancy, the time to say no is over. Intuition has told me, if I want to cure cancer, I have to suck it up buttercup and just take what they are telling me. The upside is not all of them are horrible.

This new found feeling of strength I have, of realizing that my job is not to try and control things but to maintain my faith, my belief and stay strong in these things. When things happen, when other people bombard me with their “things” – Like the lady at Kerbey lane a bit back – my job is to embrace them, ask what I can do, and just move on. They are human, just like me, they are dealing with things, just like me, and it isn’t really personal, no matter how it feels in the moment. I shouldn’t accept it personally, and I should do what I can to help them understand that it’s okay, to let their “things” pass, and to do what I can to help them get back to joy faster. I think I finally in this moment, as I type this understand the mentality I tried to capture in India. That mentality that not only is it bad for ME on a spiritual level, but bad for universal harmony for anyone to not be in a place of happy joy. My part is to do whatever I can to help them get back there expeditiously, particularly if all it takes is listening humble with an empathetic ear. I can do this.

My brain is a weird place these days. So many things I felt were so important for so long, that took up so so much brain space, so many direct and important rivers of information, channels that were trod by my thoughts so frequently and repeatedly are just – well many of them are just gone. For a time, I was worried about this, but now – in my meditations I have come to realize they obviously weren’t serving me so them being unavailable or gone – whether temporarily or permanently is probably for the best. I do have to say growing up with adaptability being a underlying personality trait does have its advantages, particularly at moments and experiences such as these.

I take solace in the fact that learning new things has always been a passion for me, and the opportunity to relearn things I have known before is quite intriguing. It allows me the joy of the learning – particularly since I have memory of knowing it before, so I know I once before learned it, which both gives me confidence in my ability to master it again, and the fact that it really isn’t as new as it feels, while simultaneously being joyful for being new, fresh, and a skill I get to re integrate.

It can be a little frustrating to my friends and loved ones however, and this is a struggle for me, it makes me a little sad. It somehow makes them a little agitated, because I’m asking about things they KNOW I knew at one point. They know I could do at a point somewhere. I know they are right, and I can completely appreciate why it would be frustrating that I don’t understand or can’t complete the thing now. Their valid frustration makes me sad. It makes me realize that I have lost something, that although it is somewhat a cool puzzle for me, an opportunity to learn it better, to be stronger – well it makes them agitated, and that just makes me a little sad. Sad is the only emotion I can really express with it, because I just don’t have time for much else, and even with sad, this isn’t something I have control over – having released control and embraced that healing comes from being in the moment, from relinquishing. I know they understand, and will be patient, they are my friends and loved ones after all, but they are also human, and I’m human, and the human things are often messy, sticky and generally act first think later, and embrace the feeling last. For me at this moment the feeling is the first, and strongest.

I’ll get back to knowing how to do somethings, atleast I am hopeful I will, but gotta figure out what to do about the sad. Maybe I’ll find a channel for it. A wall to stick it on, so that it stays with me – all feelings are valid, even when they are sad – but doesn’t stick inside.

It was a beautiful morning, a sunrise, that was so fiery it gave me pause and caused me to go flick a picture. The picture doesn’t do it justice other than to remind me of how powerful the sun looked in that moment, sharing here as a reminder.

Sunrise Feb 2020

Life has been good, I think I just needed to get past the first month of the year, sorta like the rough start of a car that has been sitting so long. We are on a journey. Its an adventure, Time for some amazing and good things.

C comes to visit this week, and I’m so excited. She is a great friend and sister – always glad to see her, and this is no exception, we will be having a blast, and enjoying some most desired sushi. Its a short visit, as all of her trips are, but it will be plenty of time to get in some R&R, some dominos, many laughs, and a plethora of hugs.

Had some pretty crazy but amazing dreams this week, that gave me a path towards some things I’ve been struggling with – a bit hard to explain but suffice to say, it reassured to me that I still have some things I’m an expert at enough to be of value to other people.

Couple of other odd thoughts occured to me this week. Being a nurse is always one of those occupations that came up on my profile tests, however it was one I always laughed at, due to my vehemoth abhorrence of blood and guts. It has been an interesting side note, that my experiences over the past 4 years have totally eliminated that – not only do I no longer have energy to hate or stress so much over them, I just have become extremely desensitized to them overall – much the way that massage school taught me to be more comfortable with my body in general. Not saying that I will be going to nursing school anytime soon – but I do have to say after my recent hospital trip – the idea of being able and certified to access my own port is highly appealing – still healing bruises on all my arm veins after three weeks – wouldn’t have these, if they had just accessed my port. The idea of being able to be self sufficient in this is – well I know this probably isn’t even a reality thing, cause probably there are reasons not to access your own port, but still it is somewhat of an appealing idea.

I’m not sure if my pervasive reason for needing to be alive will turn out to be something of a medical nature, a metaphysical nature, or more of a random data nature. But I do feel its out there, I just have to have my ship steer its way towards it. I’ve asked for a star to guide my ship, and I can feel the clouds will be lifting soon to guide me.

Its a kind thing that the universe has allowed me to have a few small blocks of time to game. Its always been a thing that allowed me to be laid back and relaxed, while engaging my mind. I can’t play for nearly the blocks I used to be able to, but even small blocks feel so comfortable, that they help my heart feel strong.

I am so blessed and thankful for all the caring individuals that have crossed my path, and have filled me with joy. Their inspiration and cheerful dispositions have helped sustain me as I climb the mountain thru my self and my own ambiguity that has kept me from having a straight and narrow towards my goals. Prayers help, positive thoughts help, and I am blessed to have so many kind souls sharing their hearts with me. There is not enough thanks in the world for me to express my gratitude. I will state again, this decade of gratitude is starting out quite magnificent. I have learned so much already in the brief time of this year, and I have no doubt there is so much more knowledge coming my way. Its nice to know that we only get what we are capable of handling.

Finding so many things where my brain just isn’t the same – I think I finally have a keen appreciation for the adage “brain fart” – my brain is full of gas and just won’t stop unloading.

P and I have been enjoying more time leisurely driving around – and while he enjoys driving thru new areas, and exploring, I have been noticing more and more that I’m somewhat unaware of exactly where I am – or rather, a thing about knowing where I am that was rather a given for me with my data point brain, is now not only NOT a given, but its a wee bit of a struggle to go from “oh look at all the pretty things” for where I am to “oh this is xyz street, we are SE of ABC” – it feels somewhat like what I recall of preteen times, when I realized I’d kinda need to know how to navigate for when I would be driving, so I started paying attention. Now its more like – do I care about this? I’m safe with P and in a pinch I have tech to show me and navigate for me.

I think I’m starting to become comfortable with the idea that I can just enjoy the smelling of the flowers. Roses are nice.

Speaking of roses, a few months back, I had J trim back my rose bushes, they are alternated in my front garden with my rosemary – which the hedgehog seems to LOVE to burrow in (the rosemary bushes oddly). and the trim back did amazing things, those rose bushes are going gang busters now, they have all grown taller and are budding. It seems to early for buds, but I’m seriously enjoying them. They are almost up to head height so makes them nicer for enjoying.

My meditation room is painted, and carpeted, with new furniture, and will get its first guest next week when C comes to visit. Super excited about this – we have a plan for sushi Friday night and I’ve invited some of my favorite Nurses to join us – although I’m not certain if they will be able to come, a girl can hope! C will get to break in my new fold away guest bed – should be a hoot.

I got to go with T this week to a lecture on essential oils to heal ails in the brain. The lady that gave the lecture actually used conventional things, and oils to heal the cancer in her own brain – it was insightful and informative, and provided one of those quick infusions of hope. Hope is such a powerful thing. I’m so blessed to have so many people in my life that just randomly toss me a banquet of hope now and again. Got some hand written cards from two folks this week – and there is just something that touches my soul about opening up letters – like christmas cards, cards thru the rest of the year are even more impactful because they aren’t around that all overriding holiday – they are more well – they seem more powerful because they required more activation energy. Christmas seems to have alot of activation energy surrounding it already. These cards were so kind, so nice, and beautiful

The universe seems to be in a state of testing me right now. Not bad tests, just “are you really at this point now? ” – with a few right turns, unexpectedly. I’m adapting and showing “yes, yes I am” – and things seem to be improving. I’m not overly anxious about these tests, but they are – well I’m finding them more amusing as time goes on. Little things like the fact that after years and years of using water bottles all day, every day. and not having damaged or broken any. The past three months I have broken one a month. Including one of those hard plastic ones that just isn’t supposed to break. I have told the universe, no problem, we will use something else, I have had a plethora of alternative water bottles so it really is no sweat, just a little clean up. The unusualness of them breaking though has created one of those shake my head things. Go figure. Sometimes odd coincidences – maybe odd coincidences? If not, I’m certain I’ll get instructions on how to resolve this the best.

I am really thankful for all the incredible people in my life, and all of the prayers, and blessings they share with me on the regular. I’m working with God. He is working to cure my cancer, and heal my body. I’m a little stubborn, so I’m certain it would go faster if I’d step more out of the way. Here is to learning how to stop being my stop sign, and to helping things go as fast as they are able to go. For the most part many many more good days than anything else, and alot of learning as I heal.

So had first chemo this week of a new treatment. (Enhertu) Seems to be doing well, but it will probably take a few for my body to get accustomed to it, and to learn how to maximize its abilities. So far mostly very tired – which is actually kinda a good sign, since generally, that would mean it’s doing something.

I have to say, this one has an unexpected unpleasant unusual side effect. I’m usually very good about keeping my gut in – well lets just say I’m regular – very regular – almost like clock work. This medication, is mucking with this. For the first time in a very very long time, I’m horrible constipated. When I say horrible – I mean with a capital H. I’ve got this gut that doesn’t do well with gas or bloating – and it somewhat makes me feel like the movie aliens, where things are trying to break out of that area. I feel like since having had surgery a few years back on my gut, it made a minor thing alot worse. I don’t think it was intentional but somehow the surgery made a space that was already pretty constricted much more constricted so discomfort feels so much unpleasant. This medication or some combination of it is accentuating this problem in all the wrong ways. Unknown to me last night, when I tried to massage my gut, I inadvertently unset my back – which made for quite an unpleasant night. Working now to double down on finding foods and things to fix this problem – its a bit of a struggle because its something I have made certain to be good at for a few years – but new meds mean stronger solutions. Go Figure.

On the positive side. There have been a few times over the years, when I have done a treatment that I KNOW it was working. This isn’t to say that all of the treatments have been bad, just a few were significantly better than others. For example, the first radiation I had last year, while I lost the first day, the rest of that series, I could feel it was working. I could feel a tiny bit of pain in the places where the radiation was killing off cancer cells. Small things, but powerful and important. This treatment feels the same! Its super exciting and inspiring. I’m working on curing my cancer, I have prayer, hope and god on my side. Lots of people working and believing in me, and this new treatment just makes me hope even more.

There are so many good and inspiring things in life right now. P turns 50 this year, it’s an inspiring year of good and positive things. I’ve been going with P to his veterans teaching class. He has been doing these classes for a bit, and I’ve talked to him about them alot, as well as talking to the students after the classes have finished. Its basically a non-profit that helps veterans learn a new skill of quality assurance testing. P thrives in teaching these, and the students are always interesting and diverse. This class is no exception, and I’ve met some amazing people already in these few weeks.

One thing I’m dealing with – or working thru dealing with – is from my recent hospital stay. I’m struggling with a sincere fear of being alone. It took until a few years ago for me to develop an appreciation for being alone at all, for the majority of my life its never been something I particularly enjoyed. The recent hospital stay made me somehow – maybe it was the situation that sent me to the hospital – not sure – just know that I’m super nervous to be alone. This has created some amazing opportunities to do some really fun things with the people I love. Its not that I couldn’t have done these things before, just now I’m doing them out of an odd sense, but it doesn’t seem to be making them any less enjoyable.

I’ve always been alot of a do-er type of personality, and now is no exception – I enjoy the going and doing, and its somewhat – well it just feels good. Somehow I just wish it wasn’t motivated by a discomfort for being alone. I’m hopeful I’ll get out of this rut or feeling of discontent eventually. I had finally, over the past few years, gotten to the point where I greatly enjoyed my time alone, and enjoyed my own company. Its not that I don’t enjoy my own company now, just more that I’m nervous to not have others around me.

I think its partially because I made a mistake. Over the past few years I’ve worked very hard to protect my liver, and minimize the amount and quantity of medications I’ve taken. Erring often on the side of avoiding them. I feel like in this case, I erred too long and low. I feel that perhaps if I’d have taken enough medication I wouldn’t have landed in the hospital. Its kind of a case of learning your limits by failing, just in this case it was a dangerous and uncomfortable lesson. I guess the time of dabbling with this is over, time to just take what the doctor says, and hope they are doing more help than harm.

Speaking of doctors and medicines. The doctor at the hospital put me on these incredible harsh anti seizure meds, and sent me to find a new neurologist to prescribe the next dose – they gave me 30 day supply. The neurologist I contacted can’t see me until 12 days after I run out of meds. So this because an interesting challenge to ensure that I get more of these controlled substance meds that I apparently now must keep taking to avoid the potentials of a seizure from failing to take them, while somehow getting a non-neurologist to prescribe for me. Go figure, interesting doctor things. In conversations with friends and family, this is apparently NOT a new problem. One would think that a hospital would provide enough of a prescription to cover you until another doctor could take over care, since it somewhat seems like they are “doing harm” which is against the doctors hippocratic oath, to prescribe something that is really bad for you if you stop it, but failing to ensure you have enough of it to not have to stop it. I suppose this is like the fine line between love and hate – fine line between help and hurt.

Its similar to the fact that this hospital – non profit one – that is close to my house, that I just love. None of my doctors have privileges at this hospital – and this hospital will not use my port for blood and medicines. Port that was installed at a hospital surgery 2 years ago to allow for me to not need to get all bruised up whenever they must give me fluids or meds. Instead, this hospital accessed six of my veins and left me with horrible bruises up and down all of my arms – including the one with the lymph nodes removed that they are not supposed to even try and access. I guess I can just keep hoping that they will get better and smarter and get certified to be able to use the port, and somehow my doctors will get privileges to see their patients at this hospital. I like this place – https://healthcare.ascension.org/Locations/Texas/TXAUS/Round-Rock-Ascension-Seton-Williamson So probably it will be the one I’ll be back to if I need the hospital again, but it certainly would be nicer to know my doctors could see me there, without having to jump thru all sorts of hoops – its worth mentioning 2 of them did jump thru hoops even without privileges – this is why I love my doctors.

Going to wrap this up for now, with the hopes that I’ll have more things – exciting and promising things to talk about again soon. I’m being led to some things that are a little fuzzy right now, but I feel they will be very fun to share, soon.