There are so many quotes or things that Texans, or really people who are adopted texans like me – talk about. Like the motto “don’t mess with Texas” so so true. Bluebonnets, amazing wildflowers in general, laid back southern hospitality, a community sincerity that is hard to explain to someone who isn’t in or from Texas. – When P and I first moved here, the thing that struck me the most – it was 1999 October, and the people – all of them everywhere you went still said “Merry Christmas” – it wasn’t that they were at all being politically incorrect, or considering at all the possible offense, it was just what they did….. it was the fact that in 1999 you could still write a check to pay for McDonalds, or Convenience store things in Texas – a foreign concept to us being from California. We quickly – as most folks do, adapted and welcomed this charm. There is just something that sticks in your heart about it, people first – is kinda the mantra. I’m not at all claiming texas or texans are perfect – we all have growing, learning, developing to do – but there is something about Texas that – well it just wraps the soul in a warm blanket on a cold night and somehow that makes you feel better.

When I was living originally in Florida – born and raised and spent the first 24 years in – and its a tourist place, a place where people go to visit, vacation, retire – basically its mentality just didn’t meld with mine. I have family and friends that find balance, and chi about this place, they find harmony within it – but somehow it just isn’t for me.

When we moved – right after my 24th birthday to San Diego – I was well, its culture shock. California is really incredible, very different and somehow very much the same as Florida. Its a place where people go to visit, vacation, and retire. Its also a place of glitz and glamour – much like Florida is now to be honest, decades later. It’s also an incredible place of competition and imagination or costumes and fantasy.

Texas has places that are incredible to visit, but it will just never really be a tourist destination. It – like most of the world is a place people retire, but its not exactly a place “people go to retire” – while people vacation here, its also not a vacation destination – we have seasonal thingies – like Renfaires, concerts, and amazing sights to see at specific times – aka Bluebonnet blooming. Overall, we are just a family – and the people who are here, are either part of our family, part of our Families Family that came to visit – or they are students attending one of our Fine Universities – “Go Texas”

There are alot of things about this state, that as an outsider seem – well backward – and I’ll confess as an insider they are often cause for “scratching my head” <– Texas way of saying does not compute. Or another of my favorite Texas expressions “Bless her/his heart” – which basically is the most ridiculous thing because its a way of both shaking the head and totally calling someone a nut job – in the most respectful and polite way while simultaneously hoping and thanking God for taking care of them – God loves the outcasts/underdogs/challenged folks best – thank god I’m one of these!

Dunno why I felt like waxing poetic about Texas today but … The stars at night are big and bright… Deep in the heart of Texas…..

Reached out a day or so ago to an old friend – one I haven’t talked to in … years… not a super close friend, just a really great guy I enjoyed talking to in the course of our job, and enjoyed working with – he is one of my cultural diversity friends – one that grew up in another country (brazil) that just has a very different perspective on life. When we worked together, it was over Finance things, and so our perspective was shared due to common objectives and goals. His knowledge is incredible, but overall his smile and his demeanor are positive and contagious.

Reaching out to him was sorta a spontaneous intuition thing – a new friend – one of the guys in P’s Vet class, that I connected with on the first night – connected with on LinkedIn – a tool I used, and many people use for networking in the confines of business. It is seriously great for recruiters, but also great for connecting with contacts like the first one – friends that you don’t share lives or paths with, but that you are learning from about things that make the world go round from a mental perspective not necessarily from an emotional or a spiritual. Its a tool for data analysts 🙂 – but its a social tool – and new friend was asking me questions, so in the process of answering him I realized I had received many many messages in my time of my current job – “Curing Cancer” – that I hadn’t ever replied to – Old friend was one of these.

I sent him a message – much like when I message or talk to anyone, my heart chakra is open, and the information nearly always comes from my heart – its part of why I’m not particularly well suited for promotion too significantly in business. I am not so much unable but very unwilling to do the necessary evil things to help a business – which supports thousands of people at the expense of one person. Greater good, when it comes with a dollar sign as the definition has always been hard for me to reconcile – I worked in finance (10 years) long enough to mentally grasp and manipulate the concept, but I fear my path and heart will never really be comfortable with the concept of putting money above people.

I think thats why I’m most offended by the HobLob situation. R and T work for Hoblob (aka Hobby Lobby) – the guy that owns this company is a multi BILLIONAIRE – and he has chosen during this difficult time to do a very shrewd business thing. First he tried to get his store/company approved as a – wording is slipping my mind right now, but a “OMG I HAVE TO STAY OPEN DURING THESE TIMES” type of business – which made me laugh – but it was at least a good college try – they managed this for a few days – I’d imagine someone else had the same reaction as me “really? hahahahhahahahha” – When this failed to work, they “went out of business” – closed all the stores, and furloughed all the employees. New term for for me in these times, it basically means “unemployed, until we can afford to open again and then you have a job” — This basically moved the burden from His/Hoblob pocket for all of these poor people to the Gov of the State – Remind me again, but we don’t live in a communist company right? We don’t live in a country where it is all of our responsibility to pay for hard working – and I do mean hard working – these employees work super long hours, and make well – some have been there years and are only making barely 15$ an hour. – I know some personally. Many are making minimum wage. And now they can collect unemployment? Which comes from state funds – already over taxed. But thats okay because no worry – he will have enough money to re-open his business – clearly a flawed model if we are not a communism, if it relies upon the state to get him thru a few weeks/months of a global unexpected (right? we didn’t plan for this to happen? No one expects the spanish inquistion right? No one except the church that generated it – Oh our “church” who runs the country/business of our country? ….. Hrmmm maybe someone expected it) Sufficed to say, from an emotional perspective I’m quite happy his employees will now get “something” in two weeks – these people who all have families, lives and bills to pay, where they were struggling and barely getting by already — atleast the states will give them something in two weeks, YOU ARE MOST WELCOME FOR THE TAX DOLLARS.

./rant – don’t know where that spiderweb came from but I think its out of my system now? maybe? when I let my head take over it goes on these tyrants – gotta keep it focused on the job at hand… speaking of which – I digress.

So old friend, I mentioned to him – and in the course of mentioning, I realized why I dislike all these “check up exams” – MRI/CT/BONE scan – all of which I had last week – PET SCAN/ECHO — all of these, in my current job of Curing Cancer – these are … effectively Performance evaluations. I’ve never liked these. I’ve had some people in my life that tried to put spin on performance evals as a tool for improvement, as a tool for making things better. I grasp the concept of what they are saying, but again, I just can’t put my finger on the truth of it – while I have watched and they are INDEED a tool for getting better jobs, getting promotions, getting more money, getting pretty much all the things you need in your job – I’m somehow missing a tool to go from “you want to tell me how bad I’m doing so you can lay me off, fire me or generally give me more work” to “sure we can give you that, sure we can pay you more” — there is like some river that I need a bridge to cross — (animal crossing reference but again this is a huge spider web so setting it aside) — Sometimes I have gotten good things out of performance reviews, but always I have felt better when they are done. They are a huge trigger for anxiety for me, as I imagine they are for most people. I wish they just had a pass fail system with them, because I’d be pretty confident I wouldn’t fail – particularly on this upcoming one (thursday with doctor) – I mean how can you fail at curing cancer when your still alive 🙂 — I am however always very nervous about what these things will say, and much like in my former jobs, there is usually more doom and gloom than there is sparkling happy light.

I told my therapist last week, before these tests, that I was developing an apathy for them. When I spoke it, I recognized it as a half truth – I was apathetic to the actual tests, because I had come to realize they really weren’t the trigger point. The full truth came out as I typed a “I’m at this status” type of message to this old friend, and jokingly called this weeks appt a “performance review” but the more I think on this, and meditate on it, it really is – its a chance for a doctor to tell me what I’m doing that is working or not working and generally how things go – and I suppose much like in those old ones I had, I’ve come to realize that the doctor/boss really don’t have as much power as I “think” they have – because only I can really tell how I’m doing. Unlike in former jobs, the boss has an agenda – I’d really like to believe doctors are much less so, and I’ve chosen good doctors, so I do feel this is the case. I find it comforting somehow that my doctor moved all his appts – or as many as possible to teledoc – so as to protect himself and his patients, although I will miss the hugs – something about physical contact eliminates the mental anxiety significantly for me. It also somehow puts a positive spin on bad information – but I’ll have P here for that too. I think this is actually pretty important but I also know its because the easiest way to ensure your heart chakra is open is to hug someone – ideally someone you care about. I can honestly say I do care about all of my doctors, part of my screening process the first visit to make them “mine” is to decide if I can care about them or if they are not for me. So hugging my doctor opens my heart chakra and that just puts me calmer, and more able to spin any information to the positive. This has been helpful over the past few years of my life – when alot of the times, the information was not overly positive. Somehow I’m a bit like a leaky faucet, plug one leak and the water finds another hole to come out of….

I’ve been crying alot lately. This is quite an unusual situation for me. However, I can say, it honestly feels great afterwards. The well of emotions that get realized to generate the tears have sometimes been decades old, and letting them out and letting them go has well, other than just making me happy has made me lighter, and generally felt better, its like a laundry mat for my body. The tears are definitely sadness or frustration that I have held onto in my cells, and now I need that space to fill with love and light to help fight the cancer cells.

There were a couple interesting videos by Dr. Berg recently, and they spiderwebbed P&I into a couple others – About Vitd being a necessary component for Immune function – which I’ve been taking for years now. Also about Zinc being a tool in the arsenal for this particular virus but virus’s in general – there was also a spiritual tool that came to me from an unexpected source about Virus’s being invading spiritual entities, and with this knowledge you have the right and the obligation to “evict” them from your surroundings and block them like immigration from your body. This isn’t just about taking physical protection, its about telling them specifically with your voice, and your heart to “stay away” “Access denied” – although good hygiene and social distancing protocols work pretty good too – if they never try and come into your body, the do not enter sign is still a good thing to have. — Other video was about the RNA sequencing – which I learned alot about – even with my chemo brain – had to pause many times for P to confirm/explain what we just watched, so a 10 minute medical video turned into about 45 minutes of watching. It struck off an intuition for me however, about how DNA is where cancer starts, and that is where I’m working on correcting it now, it was kind of a grass roots evolution of my spiritual goals – and I feel that it was a better performance evaluation than this doctor has the power to give – because in this job I currently have, I’ve got a ton of bosses, not just one – Lucky Me.

Made some soup again this week, it turned out better than last week, but it also had alot of cabbage – which someone I find makes just this incredible soup. My spices in the soup change each week depending upon my mood and what tastes/sounds good – and honestly so do the veggies “whats left that is about to turn that we don’t have a plan for” – goes into the soup. Its amazing to me how a little hot water, and some flavored dirt with a few lingering growths of earth turn into this magical mix of harmony and abundance after a couple of hours of bubbling together. Good metaphor for these times, and the people we care about in our lives. Its a good time to reach out and hold a hand, or say a blessing, or express gratitude. The more you do of things the more the universe returns those things to you.

I’m trying to eliminate getting angry and frustrated. There is really very little to be angry or frustrated about, I’m alive, I get to enjoy the sunrise again, the sunset again, I have so many blessings upcoming, so many things I will be getting to do. Sure somethings are not going to go as expected, but I am adaptable, I am capable of moving past things, and there aren’t alot of people – atleast none actively in my life or circles – that go out of their way to do things to make me angry – most of it is just my misinterpretation of their intent, or their intent not going according to my plan. I can communicate to them where the bridge failed to cross at the desired path, and I can change my plan – these are things I can do because I have a body, I have a mind, I have a heart, I have a spirit. I’m alive. Once I’m dead – hopefully far from now – 87 is my current goal/objective, once I’m dead, there will be plenty of time for these things, but right now, they only take away from my job and my pleasure, and generally self replicate – the same was as joy and blessings. More Joy, More Blessings, More happiness.

This has made me happy. Thank you life for the journey.

Have always had … versatile dreams. Some that told a story, some that let me work things out – some that were prophetic – some that told a history – some that were just purely fantasy … .many many types of dreams for many types of times.

Was awoken early today after a very odd nightmare. My nightmares tend to be from what I’ve allowed myself to be exposed to, and an expression of feelings I’d rather not be experiencing. Either due to them being inconvenient, not tactful, not appropriate, or just generally irreconcilable. Round pot in a Square hole type of thing …

Tonights Nightmare was one of those things. My neighbors, I call them the tree killer family – mostly they got this nickname, because the very first action they took upon moving in – I’m not even sure the moving had commenced, but within the first 1-2 days of them actually “owning” this house, was to chop down trees. I watched the neighbors that had lived in that house nearly 20 years ago when we moved into our house, I watched this woman and her husband plant all these trees. Watched them water and tend them thru hot summer and cold winter days. Watched them turn from little sprouts into full grown trees. This man, this family the new one, the first thing they felt was a priority for their new house was to immediately chop down trees.

Not going to lie, this set a tone with me that I’m not sure is overly malleable. Trees are important. They cover unsightly things, they camo areas between houses that in suburbia are built entirely too close. They camo construction in back areas. They provide needed shade for grass, and wildlife, they provide oxygen. They have and tell a story of the seasons, the weather, and the overall atmosphere of a place. They provide oxygen, and they take a very long and slow time and process to grow. This family, this tree killer family, chose these things to set the tone for their new life – I mean what sets this tone? It isn’t like we have septic that the roots could possible be damaging, they are way far in the back so there is no way the roots were hitting the house foundation or branches leaning into that, they were camoing the electric box, but still allowing access. I have thought thru in the few years since this has occured to try and rationalize this action. What possible could have motivated it. I still seek to do this…. figure out some logic that makes it an understandable action. To me, it was nothing more than a peepee action, the guy had to show off his big peepee by chopping down some wood. Well sir, you have done it and you will forever in my mind be named the tree killer, and your entire household will be the tree killers. The tree killer wife – who walks the dog typically twice a day, which I find rather endearing. The tree killer daughter, who screams loudly and annoyingly and bosses the other children, shrill sound to her voice. The tree killer son, who doesn’t talk much but its usually excited when he does, seems to enjoy the outside quite a bit – I wonder if you would have enjoyed those trees. And tree killer dog, who likes to sneak thru the fence and torment Starbuck – I know buddy your trying mostly to make friends, I’ve seen your action when you come to my back door to show off your escapism prowess, and also to beg me for treats, but go home to your family and stop scaring my dog.

Sufficed to say, the nightmare was about this tree killer family. First the tree killer dog had escaped into my lawn <again> this happens a couple times a month. I happened to be outside, and I walked him thru the fence gate, which was wide open – oddly but the lawn guy had come today, so the thought that ran thru my dreaming mind was “oh he left it open, good catch, I can close it”….. As I got to the gate to close it, there was a pile of crap/trash/discarded furniture and chotchkis stacked – a larger stack – on the outside of my garage, just beyond the gate – if I hadn’t noticed the gate open it might have been some time before we noticed this nonsense stacked here. It was clearly discarded nonsense, and clearly stacked in a place out of sight out of mind, but clearly our place, not the TK family place.

This made me very angry. Probably more angry than it should have to be honest. Typically I’d just deal with it, but with conditions in the world as they are, no way I’m touching other peoples nonsense with out some sort of protection, and more importantly deal with your own nonsense peeps, I don’t need another reason to have more than just apathy towards you. I went in and told P & R – they were livid as well, I went back and I knocked on the door, tree kill family all presented at the door. Tree killer himself was laughing or trying to stifle a laugh. I immediately said, what are you doing, and why is your garbage outside of my house? No answer came forth. the wife started laughing, the kids less so, clearly they had been the ones to do the heavy lifting for this stuff, and they could see it was moving again time soon. I expressed an ultimatum. I told them either move the stuff or I was calling the police, they had ten minutes to comply. I had other issues I was dealing with and I didn’t need this nonsense in my life.

As the dream progressed….. The trash started disappearing, I started going into the house, and my water bottle was suddenly lost. I was spending a large amount of time searching for this water bottle, I was thirsty and it was one of those things I try to keep with me regularly so I have a means of accommodating my thirst. One would have thought that the trash being removed would have been the end, but NOT SO! R came to inform me that perhaps I should come back outside, as there was clearly more to this story onfolding.

As I went back outside, the garage – our garage was open, and they had started filling in “other trash – other furniture, chotchkies, and the like” — I’m calling this trash, it was very donatable stuff, but it was “stuff” not mine, not ours, used, dirty, and basically in need of “being dealt with” – NOT BY ME. And they were stuffing my garage full – I should say “more full” as my garage was already pretty full – overstuffing my garage with this nonsense, so much so – even in this brief period of time, so that it was flowing out into the driveway, which was suddenly larger, with lots of space for this stuff, because it just kept going and going, there was just so much of it. Because as I picked up the phone and called the police, and they ended up transferring me to Costco? – who apparently has a service for dealing with these types of “issues” – The “costco” lady showed up and explained to the tree killer family – who had been laughing and smug the entire time, that they would need to remove this stuff, and deal with it. And there was some confusion about where their “stuff” ended and ours began. I was just so so overwhelmed and confused, and frustrated. I recall these feelings very well.

After all the things had been moved, and the tree killer family returned to their home – I’ve no idea where they moved the things to, they just suddenly disappeared – solving my issue. I woke up, with an odd sense of confusion. Overall, I’m calling it a nightmare, because the thought of this occurring is truly frightening to me – such is the works of nightmares. But overall, it has left me dazed and confused? What is my subconscious trying to teach me? Every dream has a meaning, even if its telling you “don’t eat that crap so late at night” – this isn’t one of those cases, but still. What meaning is there in this dream?

I know I have a full day today, and it was extremely hard to get back to sleep but I did manage a couple more hours after, even if that was all I could get…. Tests are today, and second hormone suppression shot. Its kinda a long annoying day, but R has volunteered to accompany me, which should make it alot better, nicer, and overall great.

I made soup yesterday, it turned out super great, and I’m sharing it with family. Ive been using a lot more coriander, as there was a study in Israel about Coriander and Lemon helping the body resolve cancer. It tastes good and has healthy benefits to my body, whats not to love. For now, I’m going to go relax, and try not to obsess too much on this dream, or the activities of the day, they will unfold on their own in a few hours without my struggling to control them.

Tree Pollen – so many mixed thoughts here, I mean I love trees, but the pollen is well gross. It covers the cars, sidewalks, air, and most importantly gets into my sinus’s and its like “hey baby wanna wrestle” – this makes for a somewhat miserable experience, and I don’t mean the gin blossoms album…

There are not alot of things demoralizing like being in my situation, where I know even on the course of “winning” there will be some “bad days” – even though I “know” this to be the case, waking up from a sound sleep with a horrible headache is … just it sucks.

Even when you know its from those blasted trees again, because you can feel the pressure in your sinus’s and you try and tell that little girl voice inside of you “its okay its just the trees sending their “love” to us…. it makes me seriously want to support deforestation – okay not really but geez, please Mr Oak, stop spewing your golden goodness all over my air! I need that air, and my nose needs to breath to fight the other things, not your propagation.

Its also really funny when you decide to have a little more than usual caffeine to “help” elevate the tree things, and yep sure enough you go from feeling like “you are dying” from the not quite allergies – I’m not allergic to the tree pollen – I just have one of those horrible sinus things that makes me super sensitive to it.

My acupuncturist is incredible. She did a remote session with me yesterday to show me all the really good points to do for heart, liver, and most importantly SINUS! to help me get these painful things under control – however acupressure is just not quite as good as acupuncture – damn pandemic. Michele, is doing remote sessions, and while she in kindness offered me the first one for free, she is offering these as a service, which I feel is great, because its her way of keeping her business going during these times. her website is: https://austincanceracupuncture.com/ She does more than just cancer, but its her specialty – her partner, does fertility as a speciality, and her practice is incredible. I’ve been going for more than two years, and I have to say it has kept me alive and generally feeling great.

I have to shout out for a great partner – P did this amazing thing to help my family have some synergy during these lock key times. He went above and beyond and I’m still – well in the time we have been married there have been a few times when he just did something that overwhelmed me with emotion – where I am just humbled and awed at the same time – and this was one of those times. Shout out to incredible partners, and how they make lives so much more rich and incredible.

I have been thinking more and more – also getting alot of small signs, that I will get another trip to India. This is pretty inspiring. I so enjoyed my trip there. The culture of that country is just well, its just very different from ours, and somehow it makes my soul sing. Ever since I left there, I have wondered – believing at the time I wouldn’t likely get back – just due to so many other places I would like to visit – but now, the signs are somewhat leading me to strongly believe I will get another trip back there – although its a huge country and I’m not at all certain “where” i’ll get to visit. There are a few parts that I’m still a little scared about, although I’m certain with the expression Vaya Con Dios- I’ll be led to just the place I’m supposed to visit.

Believing in god, is an extremely powerful thing – when you wake in pain and even though rationally you know where the pain is from, when you pray, and you believe in god, its an amazing thing to feel the pain lessen even slightly from the prayer, because god just doesn’t want us to be in excessive pain – that being said – There is a part of me that believes god feels that pain is an equalizer, it teaches us humility, and to respect the confines of our body, so while god doesn’t chose or wish for us to have an unmanageable amount of pain – a little pain is actually well, its like a little bit of work or chores or positivity – it goes a long way to instructing us towards better action and better paths. To appreciating those that are down a course that requires them to experience a larger amount of pain – somehow a little pain is a good reminder that your alive, that you can still feel things – even if they are a little less comfortable, and it also makes those times when the pain is lifted so much more delightful. It somewhat elevates them from a 8 into an 11 – Yes old Spinal Tap reference, my life is elevated to 11.

P and I ranted yesterday – food is annoying and hard right now. The meds I am on make me hungry to varying extremes at weird moments. Food is suddenly hard. Sometimes I don’t have enough “spoons” to cook, or even decide what is best. Its like I have been blessed with the ability to obtain some good veggies, but suddenly they just sound like so much work, I know they aren’t really – but the soup I planned just seems like its so much effort beyond just having that sandwich – which has alot less food value for me. Trying to find balance and harmony in all things – particularly in foods, its just finding the comfortable balance between effort and sustenance. I suppose this isn’t a struggle I’m solo experiencing. Between P & I it was a shared treasure of a struggle, and I’d imagine alot of peeps that don’t normally cook are experiencing this same challenge right now.

P had an old boss, when we were first here in Austin – he had worked there for a couple years, and been treated – well bluntly like an under appreciated dog. Finally I encouraged him to find a new job – this boss pulled me into a meeting with him and P and tried to explain that they weren’t acting out of malice – that they had been “trying to make the strong coral rise to the surface” – I politely explained that my husband was a gold star, and wasn’t some sort of coral that needed polishing, and how dare they try to polish something that didn’t need polishing, and that perhaps they should look at their polices, and find a better way to judge. As we walked out the door, and P walked on to a significantly better job. I have often thought of this conversation, and the “rough polishing of coral” that was the bulk of it, and I still shake my head. Don’t try and play a player – it always ends up poorly for you sir.

On to finding some more adventures, and some more things to help keep me strong, and make me strong – looking forward to finding out the potassium numbers today, after the ungodly amount of potassium horse pills they have gotten me to take for the past 3 days – 60 Mg (3 pills) twice a day with a Mag tablet at the same time – so 120 MG daily. Here is hoping that it has Risen the level enough that I’m out of the danger zone – Enough topgun with my potassium.

I remember see-saws, playing at the playground – in the forced recess or outside time – never much my favorite, I think I was born 20 years too early sometimes. We had parks and things, other forced outside time. I’ve always been an inside bird – conversation with adults wasn’t something boring to me it was a learning opportunity. Watching, and listening to the conversation, usually about things that were a little over my head, but not for long. My mind has always put pieces together – often times incorrectly at first, but settling them into a jigsaw picture that proceduced something that for my mind at least, seemed logical.

This seeming logical for my brain, is something that other people will always struggle with – I can see lines and patterns, and pathways that most people can’t or chose not to perceive. Its like there are railway stations of opportunities that course thru our lives, with so many trains and rails not taken. I frequently talk about pathways. Its very common for our energy to be at crossroads. We are light beings, energy being, that are in a tangible matter for for a – well universally speaking a brief period of existence. The pathways for the energy are always there, some of them we take with our physical forms. When I say life is like a game, it is – this brief period is our “time” to be playing it. When we go back to energy, we spectate, much like watching a Youtuber/streamer doing gaming. Its still enjoyable, there are many more things to do in that form, but its not the same as actually having your hands on the controller, and pushing the buttons yourself.

When you push the buttons within your physical body – when you chose to take this turn or that – go to this store, or that place – say hi to this person – smile or frown – get angry or frustrated. All of these choices are setting you down one path or another. Some paths are easier, some paths are more challenging. They all eventually lead to the same place, but the scenery and experience is very different along many of them.

The choice of path is based upon perception, and personal history within this physical form – not the light form – because it has the cheat codes. It “knows” the correct or most enjoyable path. The trick is to remember, that the personal history is bias, judgemental, and often times wrong. Just because 1+1 used to equal 2 and sometimes still does equal 2 – that doesn’t mean it always will produce that result —— Parents know for a fact that 1 + 1 actually equals 3 – and then 4 and then 5 — very different from the “logic” that tells you 1+1=2 — neither are correct, and neither are wrong, they are entirely perspective based.

In addition to time being a limiter, perception is a limiter – most people are unable to rationally perceive that time doesn’t exist, and neither does perception – they are both just confines of the “game” that we are playing – much like playing monopoly with out the board and the boot would be… well, *smiles sweetly* I’d like to try that sometime, I happen to know most of the positions by heart – this has always been one of my favorite board games – each side has 10 spots – 2 colors, 1 train, 1 community thing that is good, 1 community thing that is bad — I wonder if I could imagine the board enough to do this — In much the same way that having the board and the boot or the dog or the house – to play with …. having our physical body and the senses we perceive as real to experience aka play – this game are helpful. Doesn’t change the fact that is is entirely possible to “play” without using any of them.

There are a plethora of people that have a sense missing – they have entered into this existence with the reality of no sight or sound or arms to touch – and they play just fine – the game is very different for them – but its still the same game. Make a choice, experience something, ramifications of that choice as you are moved along a path. What if you decided, in the moment to change the path? What if you were able to perceive the other path, and you just stopped conforming to the expected result of the path you were on?

That is what I am doing. I call it “curing” cancer, but its more like – I’m working on stepping from one path to another. Sick to healed. Labels for things – names are useful – when you are talking or playing with other people, but the feelings, the emotions, the the believes or spiritual connections/cords of them are a lot more helpful when you are dealing only with yourself.

I am far from an expert at many many things – its 100% accurate to say I am more of a novice then an expert. However, I know how to access, and tap into the infinite pool of expertise, and the unlimited cosmic power of the genie in the lamp or — in my example of Monopoly – the bank 🙂 = btw, if you ever play monopoly never ever let me be the banker – this is something my friends and family learned relatively early – or rather, sometimes never learned and could never understand why I always won…… My definition of cheating is very different from other peoples. Its only really cheating if it takes from another persons existence or experiences, and somehow diminishes them – taking away someone else choice is somehow one of the biggest cheats of all – this is why I’d never really make a good parent, because I feel often, that in raising a child the best possible way, its somehow a requirement that you do this on the daily for protection, learning and generally for raising good healthy well balanced citizens – My mind and heart however can’t help reconcile this concept with the logic of the fact that its for me “cheating” them out of having the learning/experience/knowledge of their very own – This is probably why children of my own were not in the cards and this is a self revelation I’m having in the moment – so kinda an interesting one – Thanks Blog! and thanks to Richard Reeves for inspiring me thru a tactic of flattery – Yes Ego is strong with this one lol – to keep trying to do this more regularly.

I feel strongly the sun will come up today – in a few hours, I feel strongly that it will set this evening. These may not happen, but they are logical, and in this existence they are the most likely path. Many paths in our lives/game are likely and obvious. That doesn’t mean they are best, or the one we should chose. It also doesn’t mean they are the only one to chose. Just because everyone calls a thing a thing doesn’t mean its a thing. It could be a flower, even if it seems like a bee. Change your perception, change your world. I am choosing to feel strong, be strong, and be healthy. Somedays, it will and is harder than others, but not today team, not today.

The tickle that I get inside, that tells me “you should write something” – is not something I know how to share, if its shareable. I just know, that its one of those things, that seems to grow and grow like a jabba the hutt until I let it out. – insert random probably mis-quote here “toe to solo, hahaha” – meaning its time to write.

This weather is again, that lingering sense of endless winter. There is a part of me that thrives in this dark, wet and gloomy. Not sure its the best or the brightest parts of me, but it IS the part of me that has everlasting longevity.

Interesting thought occurred to me the other day during a meditation. Science has come to the revelation – not really something new to the rest of us, but yeah science for catching up – that only 10% of our bodies is “us” or rather, the DNA that they have always considered “us” — now this revelation… is that Cancer is mutation of those DNA cells. So in effect, when you are developing or growing cancer, its with the smallest portion of who you are, and as it grows… its effectively trying to take over the part of you that is a thriving community. Its also worth mentioning in this thought, that part of “solving cancer” is that your body has to replace those cells to keep your “healthy” DNA at 10%, and cancer is constantly trying to mutate/replicate – get the hatfields to join the mccoys so to speak. While all the natural fungi, bacteria, and things that grow and thrive in your body are just living in this war zone much like the gaza strip.

Things that make you just shake your head and go “vaya con dios” – My whole life is all vaya con dios (go with god) – have always had a strong believe in god – not so much as a person – too limiting, or as a singular construct, but more as an infinitesimal limitless essence that makes up everything – every cell, atom, – there is no part of me that is not of the god. So when I say “God is healing my cancer” I mean that its being healed from everything everywhere, all at once, and within the perfect time for what is required to get the job done.

There is something about clean laundry that just has always made me happy. The machines beep beeping to tell me that they are done, tossing and turning the cloth around, and that it will now smell fresh, crisp and clean – and be warm and ready for folding, or wearing, or putting into place. Something about this is just magic. I can’t imagine the days when laundry had to be done by hand, but I can say hanging in the sun – of course not on days or weeks of days like today – but hanging in the sun is a little superior to the dryer – a little – only because the smell of fresh from outside is pretty non replicable but also not the warmth that comes from the dryer itself. I tend to be a bit of a hedonistic person, and do a little laundry every day just to feel this freshness around me – its much like knowing that I’ve given a clean fresh shower to my linens, clothing, towels, curtains, rugs – whatever is in the rotation for the day.

Doing house chores, on a pretty predictable schedule has become the norm for me – I like routine, it keeps me happy and it lets my body feel like it can get into a rhythm with healing. I feel stronger, and it helps me stay happy and that helps me healer better and better.

Intuition is based upon spirit guiding me towards information that is out there in the ethers that maybe isn’t quite present to my physical body at this moment in time. I’m relying alot on intuition these days, because so many other things are failing. The natural clumsiness that I have had since early childhood – I think partially teh reason my grandparents gave me gymnastics lessons as a young child was to try and help “train” this clumsiness out of me – and it only worked to regulate it into a less normal pattern. However, due to current physical things, and my absolute necessity to do only one thing at a time after years and years of multitasking – I can see now often, thanks to intuition, how things are going to fall apart and be an under mess, if I fail to take the one at a time mantra as my edict for life. For example, I’ll have two drinks and a plate to carry. Former self would have tried to balance these things, and I can see the “method” for balance in them even now, but as I go to pick them up, intuition will show me which item will fall and where it will slip and fall if I try this method. Much better to just take two or three trips and carry each thing carefully to its destination. The little bit of extra movement is good for me anyway, and much faster than the time to clean up the mess. However, sometimes, I get that sense “no way, I can be more careful than this, maybe it won’t happen” so I try – and sure enough xyz happens and then I can spend the next X amount of time cleaning up the mess I knew was coming. Just confirmation after confirmation. Listen or be silent, but either way, follow directions or your bound to end up a hot mess.

Being smart doesn’t always mean you do it correctly the first time, nor does it mean you do it the most efficient or the best way. It just means you have the capacity to do it right, and efficiently. But then, everyone is smart – some of us just chose to actively be dumb unintentionally. Its kinda a subconscious game we play with ourselves. Have been finding many and many of these subconscious games all over the place with P and I – also with many family and friends. Its pretty fun and interesting – being a gamer to find these things – however makes me a little frustrated and sad, when often I find that they are not doing us good, but rather we are allowing the games to have been morphed to do us great harm – like, if your losing, that’s okay just don’t punish yourself in addition to losing. The loss is punishment enough. Pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and try the game again – just like every game, eventually with practice, you will get better and you will win more than you lose.

Even if this weather is all mush mush of sloppy wet goo, it will pass eventually, and the beautiful tree in my backyard – which came back a season after we thought it was dead – and finally six years later has buds, and fruit on it – The fruit will eventually rippen and we will have it in a few months to enjoy.

There were two hawks on my walk today, soaring over the trees of a neighbors house a couple down from mine. I saw them – as I’ve seen them before, they are a couple – there are actually four different ones that live around this area, and in the green belt behind my house.

As I walked, with my goal of the second mailbox, last walk I made it to the street just past, so while the maibox was my “goal” I had hope of making it to the street. As I approached the street, I noticed there was ANOTHER mailbox just up a tiny bit more. I thought to myself with a slight internal smirk – well you wanted to go for the mailbox, there you go, a little further, you can do it! So I did, I made it to the “third” mailbox today, it was an 18 minute walk – furthest I’ve gone in a bit, and added another 2 minutes to my walk. Felt really good and amusing to me to make it to the mailbox – the third one.

As I walked, I also found it amusing, that there was a guy washing his cars – this wasn’t the amusing part. The other day when I walked, I noticed this guys black car was super dusty/dirty. I thought to myself, wow with all these stay at home things, and the project things, it would be a really good time for car washing. And wow that guy could use it! I had an entire conversation in my head with this imaginary, at the time, neighbor about how good it would feel to just wash his car, and have it be happy. About how we use a car was, and my mind trailed off at the time, to thinking about people like the employees at the car wash – and how they are fairing thru these times. And here today, was this guy just washing his car, I caught his eye today and gave him two thumbs up, and a bright smile, he got the message, and decided perhaps I was right, as I walked back from my goal, I noticed he had started on his second vehicle, also black, also previously filthy, but now in the sure process of being clean.

On the way, towards car guy, I noticed all the overgrown yards, and was thinking to myself how it would be a kinda cool thing to have a free lawn service, and just go cut the part of peoples lawns near the sidewalks, where it is most overgrown, and where it impacts people trying to get in a few hoofs here and there, for the fresh air, and the exercise. On the way back, there was a guy cutting his lawn, starting with the part near the sidewalk.

The universe is listening, what did you want again? Think it out, the power is there. My body is healing. The cancer is leaving my body. I’m learning, growing and evolving into a better, stronger human being.

Had a remote session with my psychologist yesterday, apparently I am overly blessed, as my medical insurance company is the only one that has approved “remote” sessions to date. As we talked, via a pretty cool remote tool she uses, I mentioned to her that one of my heart concerns, is the people least equipped financially to handle this type of a crisis are the ones that are going to be the most heavily hit. Not the salaried upper middle class, they will weather the storm, all be it potentially less comfortable. Its the lower middle class, and the lower class peeps, the ones that work so hard to make alot of things in our society just work, that will be the most heavily hit by this crisis. The people like the car wash employees. Or the shopping store employees. Or the facility people. My heart and prayers go out to them for some type of resolution.

P mentioned an interesting thing, which really struck a cord with me, this situation has a very strong potential to disrupt our free market economy in a very insidious way. Businesses, the little guy, or the epitome of capitalism at work, are the ones most at risk with this crisis. Large corporations, have reserves, and have means to “weather” this storm. But the little guy, having to close his door, which is bluntly probably the most prudent, is going to have the biggest impact. P’s comment was, that this crisis, if it goes on for any period of time, has the potential to drive alot of these smaller businesses into closing. Here is hoping that this storm passes quickly.

Starbuck is a little confused with the two of us being home, all the time. On the one hand, he is super happy that his peeps are all here. On the other, he has decided this is an indicator that we are now at his beck and call all day. Some of his more assertive behaviors are showing a little more than usual now, although some of his loving behaviors are highlighted as well, its hard to say much about it. Yesterday while I napped, he finally tried to use the doggie steps we got a few months back for the bed, to climb up and cuddle with me. He struggled with the last steps, and gave up the attempt, preferring to come beside the bed and bark at me to ensure I was aware I had “forgotten” to put him on the bed. P came in and helped him manage the steps. We have been working with him for a month to master the steps. It was very encouraging to overhear him actually trying on his own when in a circumstance unobserved. Its just a proof that P was pretty correct, the steps are unfortunately, not in an ideal position for him to be able to utilize them alone.

We are creatures of habit, and routine oriented, and its an interesting thing to see this manifest in Starbuck. He lets us know when its time for bed, and he lets P know – usually I’ve gotten up an hour or so prior – when its time to get up.

Overall, life is good, I’m feeling pretty okay. Detox stuff has had to slow down a bit, having to take an every other day approach to it, which is kinda less than ideal, but necessary, my body just can’t flush as fast as it can pull the toxins out, and its bluntly less helpful to have them piled up in my gut than in my liver. Atleast, that is how it feels, there might be an argument for the later, but the encumbrance of discomfort is not something I overly relish, so every other day it is for the supplements.

A few days ago, I planted the sprouts kit I got, and they are peeking up now, another couple days, and I get to remove the cover, and watch them turn into full grown yummy foods. I have to say, I was a little leary about this kit when I first decided to get it, but its kinda been super easy and a little fun to watch them turn from seeds into green.

Back to more tea, and a warmer room – a story for another day.

Did my walk today, up to 16.5 minutes. Not as long as I’d like but still makes my legs jelly like and my heart pumping above the 125 range, which just seems silly to me with how short, and how easy going the walk is… but its progress. My Wins.

I’m listening to my spotify 2020 play list – which is a little wack – I mean every annual playlist I make is pretty wack, but this one, I started it the very end of Dec and first few days of Jan – and this is really the first time I’ve given it much of a listen.

The plus side of a shorter walk is – I haven’t actually made it thru the play list yet – I keep picking it up each time I walk, so its still a new fresh thing, I can see some obvious tweaks I want to make to this playlist.

The weather is super great for an outdoor walk right now, in the upper 60’s lower 70s and overcast. Still have to keep my head covered, from the radiation – that will be until Oct – one year after last treatment. Which makes it a little warmer, but still its pretty comfy for walking. The pace is super casual, but my feet are progressing, and the path is getting a little longer each day, its like the spirits are beckoning me to come dance with them.

There was a set of guys walking a cute baby today – with all the concerns of human contact, I crossed the road as they passed the other direction, but it was pretty cute to see, they looked like they too were having fun.

The trees are all blooming – which is horrible for the sinus’s but amazing for the eyes. I snapped a few pictures of these white blooms that aren’t dogwoods, as well as the liter of dogwoods one of my neighbors has in their back yard – not as pretty as the archway of dogwoods that used to be on both sides of AW Grimes before they expanded the road, – most of the trees survived the powerline massacre of a few years back – but a few did not – and all in all the archway is mostly gone now – still a pretty view when they bloom but the historical view was just breathtaking – made me realize what an eye some landscaper must have had – to visualize the potential of those trees, years and years before they produced. To see it in the minds eye… and call it forth to reality. What a gift.

In the course of my walk, I pass one of the side streets, “Cyclone Ridge” and it occured to me, I wonder how streets are named. Like does someone – the developer sit back and go “I think this street is just a hot mess, I’ll call it Cyclone Ridge,… because its a little at the edge of this green belt, and its going to take a true act of god to put as many houses in as they are asking, I’ll have to be a tazmanian devil and cyclone the whole area of lots. ” === Or maybe I just have an overactive imagination — its followed by Agarita Trail – I think Agarita was the name of the doll in one of those from the library type movies, that was like a grandmother that was given to these kids that had lost their caretaker, she was an automaton that was an incredible provider, the movie was short, sweet and somewhat sad, but well done. It showed the kids as grownups dancing thru a trail back to Agarita — maybe this developer just had an overactive imagination too.

Dunno, but maybe the naming of streets requires a special skill – like I wonder do you need a degree for this? Or is it a special class in school. “Road Nomenclature 101 – where the pavement comes to be called” – I certainly don’t know, but I think I’d like to learn more about this, so that maybe some day I could do what it took to name a road. Although I’m not at all entirely certain what I’d call it. Not after myself, I think there are enough things named after Truth, a road named after truth might be pushing the boundaries of the universe just a tad too much – like no one could ever live on it, things would perpetually be in a state of half fixed, half broken.

I do however, love the idea of being able to implement my overactive imagination to the cause of naming a road. Of having people walk or drive upon something I’d taken part of creating – if even in name. I suppose its like a tiny tear drop of having a child. The legacy aspect, and the less annoying aspect of never having to worry, or care for or generally look after the thing, just being able to sort of poop out that name and move onto the next.

I wonder what other forms of passionate expression there are like this, without as many lingering tethers to them. I mean most passionate expressions, by their nature have alot of tethers to ones energy. They are a part of your being after all, when you give creative birth to them, much the same was as children are – even if less all encompassing. Life is pretty all encompassing. Tangible things, alot less encompassing, but still holding tethers. Releasing these tethers is something I’ve learned, but I wonder what this is like – how it differs when the tethers are part of who you are… I know recently I’ve had to release some relationships that I created, and I maintained that were not serving me; I suppose this is a similar feeling – although creating relationships isn’t something I’d particular call a passion – at least not for me, but maybe I am being remiss and under evaluating my talents. Just more food for thoughts for another day or time.

For now, time to have some water, and enjoy the rest of the day before the sun ducks beneath the horizon and tucks itself into slumber.

Spring has sprung – or atleast it is so in Texas. The trees, I’m not sure what type they are, we have some of the white and pink blooms – some of them are dogwoods like the northeast, but others are just not dogwoods, and they just get these beautiful pink and purple blooms.

I have always enjoyed the colors this time of year in Texas. The green byways and open fields get these littering of colors. From the yellow, white, blue and red flowers that just pop up and color the landscape. The trees blossoming in their white, pink, purple and even yellow flowers all over the place. It makes outdoor walking so so enjoyable, to see these buds, to watch them fall and dance down into my hair and pave my steps. Its an incredible reminder how beautiful life is, and can be from one brief moment to another.

I did my morning walk today. Its not much, but I’m so thankful and happy for what I am able to do, and it was in these, the wee hours, where its still mostly dark, and the dew is falling, almost like rain on my jacket and headwrap. It wasn’t really cold, just a little bit cool, spring here is a hop from cold to warm to cold again within the same week. Right now its contentedly comfortable. I made it a little further today, each day I endeavor to see how far my steps can carry me comfortable before I feel that tug of my intuition telling me I’ve gone far enough.

Its easier to hear the intuition earlier, before my mind wakes enough to try and build all these barricades of thought, to bombard my intuition with a battlefield of logic and rational things to meander thru to get to the prize. That song love is a battlefield is no lie! Loving yourself the worst one of all.

P and I watched the coolest video to start the day yesterday, it was one of my favorite celebrities – Gordon Ramsey, visiting a girl with cancer for whom he was her hero. It was an incredible moving video, and a great way to start the day. My mind however, in the course of its battlefield of mental vs heart, immediately went to the fact that he brought her a ton of sugary delicious goodness – the worst possible thing he could have done for a cancer patient – and they weren’t even cooked by him. On the one hand, I was so happy for him to be visiting her, and so moved by the effort and gifts, which I’m certain were well enjoyed – I mean cancer patients love sweets, and sugar as much as the rest of the world; so does the cancer in our bodies – more so. On the other hand, my mind is like “BAD BAD BAD” – this is the same struggle personally I’m having…. with balance.

It often feels like I’m on the teeter totter of life. I instituted an accountability human for me a few months back, because while I recognize indulging in some of the amazing treats in life is an important part of enjoying it for me, balance in recognizing frequency is equally important, and its too easy to “forget” when you last “cheated” – I hate calling it cheating, its not really cheating, its allowing for some of that goodness that requires more restraint than our current state of society seems to indicate is normal.

I suppose a once in a life time opportunity meeting your hero, is definately one of those times to induldge in all of the beautiful delicious goodness life has to offer.

I am excited the necessary work at home sequestering that the current conditions have required. I’ll have company here, its not that I’ll have engagement, but I’ll have another pulse to share the space with, and somehow that just feels and sounds amazing. I’m taking it as a win for all the things I’ve had to change or cancel due to this circumstance. Another win would be the raised/elevated hygiene things that have spread, its good to know that we are re-educating adults on basic hygiene things, and that their lives and the lives of others now depend upon them mastering these lessons. Work hard people, I’d like us all to pass!

There is a song by Jewel called Intuition its one of those songs that half sticks with you, and half doesn’t. Last night P and I did this sort of quasi experiment thing – it didn’t start out as an experiment but after about 2+ hours, I’d call it successful – whatever it actually was….

We were using Amazon – or rather, I was, to play a “song” that came to mind. I’d give Alexa a artist and title, and she would whirl up the spinner, and toss the tune on for us to enjoy. It was a rather odd mix of songs from the 70s, 80s, 90s, 00s, 10s, and this decade. My musical tastes have always been, well eclectic takes on a whole new meaning with me. Most music I like, some I have less enjoyment for over time, or, and mostly my taste is a carpe diem musical taste. Whatever strikes me at the time.

It was a pretty amusing mix from the perspective that I tried to pick mostly songs that not only did I know the artist and the song, but also I knew about 90% of the lyrics, meaning I was completely capable of singing along. I’ve read recently that when you are healing, your body loves to hear the sound of your voice. Its like a harmony that makes you calm, and also helps cellular regeneration.

This somewhat makes complete sense to me, and explains the pure value of monk chanting. Its not about “what you say” but that YOU say it. Speak more, sing more, hum more… tell your cells, tell yourself you are loved, by YOU.

Another amusing thing to me, during this time of chaotic caucus races of pandemonium. So many places have closed down, sending employees to the “safety” of their homes… and where is the first place you find these employees. Shopping! The 3 grocery stores we drove past yesterday on the way to my weekly treatment, were literally overspilling with cars and mayhem. Good work people good work, avoid the safety of your clean, and separated by personal space environment, to mad dash with thousands of your equally panicked fellow citizens to empty the shelves and rush and crowd into small spaces. No that’s not a recipe for disaster, not at all….. It was more crowded at these stores than I’ve ever seen it on a Thanksgiving holiday preshopping time. It must be found amusing, otherwise it just makes me shake my head at the utter ridiculousness of it.

Many places that should have had employees working for home, for years, are now doing this as a “good” “preventative” “proactive measure” — well good show companies, even if it is sorta a late way of getting to where you have needed to be for a decade or so…. Hopefully this is a positive out of this experience.

Had a trip planned for April with P to the coast of Oregon. It was going to be amazing. Its the first trip in our marriage that He planned and set up primarily on his own. He bought the tickets, picked the place, and made the reservations. That was one of the requirements. He is more than just not a fan of travel, he loathes it, so this was a huge thing. I have been looking forward to this trip since September, when we first started talking about it.

Because P hates to fly, he booked first class airfare. This is his compensation, for being a large man, it makes the trip so much more comfortable. Now with the state of the union, its pretty doubtful we will get to take this trip, and I’m more than a little disappointed. It was a two week trip overlooking the beach, from the beautiful comfort of a hotel room that would have just been amazing.

There are family I was hoping to see, and friends, that now will be postponed. One of my biggest, and strongest inspirations for “what I am wanting to do with my life” is travel. Cancelling this trip is demoralizing. I know I’m an adult. I know there are very good reasons to cancel, but it doesn’t change the little kid part of me being so so disappointed.

There are so many rational arguments for that little kid, its not even funny. Mostly that little kid is pretty smart, and she knows there will be more trips, but she is still threatening to throw the mother of all temper tantrums when we “actually” cancel the trip. So I’m delaying this as far as reasonable possible, and continuing to use the “might have to cancel” and the “maybe it will all work out to go” in my mind so I keep her hushed. Mostly its giving me time to come up with a strategy for dealing with offering her some shiny treasure when / if the cancellation is the best course of action.

Canceling nearly all of my activities, and restricting my contacts out of my house, is the prudent action I’m taking – I mean I’m an OCD person about hand washing – always have been – so that was never a question. Added a few more cleaning things around the house to my normal regimen to keep things clear, and also added a few more things to my supplement regime that are antiviral things. Just not overly concerned just being overly cautious to eliminate the need for concern.

I’ve recently encountered some really cool peeps that are earning a living working in their passions, this is always a pretty inspiring thing to me, and I’ll try and share more about this at another time.

Overall, I’m feeling pretty okay, the new hormone suppression med, has some really kick me in the rare side effects, for which I was ill prepared. The main one being a sense of depression that somewhat hits me in waves of doom and gloom. It also has this mechanic that is de-regulating my natural body temp, and just making my internal body temperature much like the external weather for spring. All over the place.

I did see a super cool thing, the tree we planted years ago, one of the four – a lemon, a lime, a mandarin orange, and an avocado. The one of the four that didn’t die, is finally fruiting this year! The fruit is green at present, and so so so high up on the tree. Its hard precisely to tell which it is, other than knowing for 100% certainty its not the avocado, that died super fast. P seems convinced its the mandarin orange, and he may well be right, it seems an odd time of the year for that to be fruiting – it has 6-10 that I can find, its also flowering, but I’m not precisely certain what time of year they flower/fruit. Either way, it is kinda neat to see. Fruit coming to a yard near you!

We watched a Youtube last night of coming movies, and it was pretty interesting to see all the Marvel history story movies coming for some pretty interesting characters in the universe. Looking forward to those up and coming.

Mostly looking forward to continuing to live, to find things that make me thrive, and to somehow acclimate to dealing with disappointments, no matter the shape or form they take on for me at this time.