Real Life superheroes were scrubs and facemasks everyday. Its easy to tell them, because while they are saving the world, they are also carrying a smile, and a cheerful voice, with all the litany of obnoxious questions they must ask before they can finish your form.

I had surgery today. It was – well I should say ” I was told” it was scheduled for 7am – it was “actually” scheduled for 7:30am – the surgeon was … well her RL things were spilling all around and she didn’t get in till just before 8 – the surgery started just after 8 or closer to 8:30 which is what P says since they called him to let him know “they got started”….

This was somewhat an elective surgery – elective by the fact that it wasn’t endangering me imminent at this present moment in time. I could have waited for x amount of time in the future when it were – it could have gone away, or it could have killed me unexpectedly (or rather in the world of a virus, by design) –….. Yes folks, lets put out the roulette wheel or the loaded gun and lets gamble with your life “elective surgery” — so really in a real sense, not elective at all, timely is a more appropriate description.

While all surgeries are scary – this time, in particular is a scary time to be at the hospital and to be “one” with the knife so to speak.

Lets start by saying that P and I neither one slept well – being woken by clarity of conscious, and heartfelt empathy for each other and the folks that would be helping me today – kept me from consolidated sleep. Which ultimately wasn’t a horrible thing, because it made rising at 4:30 – to allow “get ready time” before heading to the hospital (about 30 minutes away) to arrive by my 5:30 report time – allowed this to be a less stressful endeavor.

P is great, I adore him – always have – he rolled out of bed, and tried to encourage the dog to roll out of bed. Starbuck is like “whats wrong with you hooman – this is WAY WAY too early – its sleep time still” – until I came back in – having finalized getting myself ready – to encourage Buck with a “come on hippo, lets go lets go” — he sniffed as if to say “Fine but I do this underdress and there better be treats later” – as usual he was a great dog did his business and got back in to plop into his favorite resting spot and crash again.

We picked up the pace and headed out the door.

There was a surprisingly bigger number of peeps on the road at 5am than I had anticipated, expected, or even considered. This made the drive in the dark a bit more stress ridden for P. I had suggested he get coffee for himself – before realizing Starbucks wasn’t even open yet. He elected to pick it up on the way home.

We arrived about 5 minutes before the report time; he dropped me and as pre-arranged took off to head home before the insane drivers became more prolific, and to get some sleep – atleast one of us should we had devised – before I’d be scrubbed, happily medicated, wheeled in, surgeried, and done well before his normal wake time – or so we thought.

As I entered the surgery center, and approached the check in counter, I was greeted by a chipper young woman that was, to my surprise and delight, actually ready and enjoying her day. What a wonderful unexpected blessing. She also helped me complete my check in paperwork – as Poohs typically have trouble reading/responding to things, and we laughed as I mentioned this to her.

As I waited in the lobby, a wife who had also arrived for her surgery, with her husband in tow were bantering back and forth in the row in front of me. She as very very nervous. I chimed in to help her break her anxiety a tiny bit and to make it more light hearted, we all three had a good laugh for a few minutes, before the nurse arrived and called my name back to the next step.

The gentleman escorted me to the back, he was social friendly and we had a lighthearted quick exchange as he walked me into the next phase of this party – the COV test. I could write a whole book about this test. None of it would be pleasant. Sufficied to say, the general thing I can say that will be appreciated by every woman is … it was a man that designed bras, and it is self evident that this was the case…. I’m quite certain it was a male research clinician that designed this test – with never having the joy of experiencing it. I have had alot of truly horrible things done to my body over the past four years in particular, and this is a “joy” (insert a shit ton of sarcasm here) that I will gladly pay substantially to avoid ever doing again. Not only did it requiring removing my mask, having my personal space invaded by a nurse with a … qtip that had been weaponized…. twice….. it required one of the most painful things I’ve had to withstand in a long time. They shove this qtip like thing up your nose, far enough to touch your brain. Little known fact that this is what you do to test for cov. This is allergy season, my sinus already hurt. There are still lurking tumors in my brain, my head hurt. I’ve been off – by hospital requirement – my anti-inflammatory supplements for a week, my head hurt. But no no, lets rock the vote, and go for the full monty – No way you won’t be in pain with this!! I feel for the poor tech that did this test, what a horrible horrible job to have. I wish I could recall her name. I tried very hard to remember all of the superheroes today and this one was absolutely one of the ones I felt the strongest for and about. No one wants this job; well I suppose if you were a person that truly enjoyed inflicting pain to another human being over and over and over again all day — maybe this is your bag. Never does a person leave her care without being actually hurt.

I cried. It hurt. It didn’t last long – thank the stars, but man it was up there with cutting things open and off by myself. NOT PLEASANT.

This kind person and I talked all the way along the path to where she escorted me to room 28 – a number I thought was odd, being the first patient to walk back into the surgery area, but turned out to be nice…. apparently the ultra friendly people all got assigned to this section of the surgery room, so I felt glad to have been one of the patients assigned here too.

I had left my cell phone with P – out of many reasons, the first being that youtube recently (Simon Sinek) mentioned something I hadn’t considered, that being addiction to Dopamine is evident in addiction to cell phone – picking it up and scanning it everytime something goes chime or buzz, is a form of pez dispenser/pavlov’s dog for the human dopamine — So well … me in typical fashion – lets try to work on minimizing this – its something I’ve considered multiple times with my observations/discussions with April. The second being – no sense making it a target. Hospital folks are superheroes, but even they have their weak spots; they are also underpaid and under appreciated — sure lets put the people who are responsible for keeping you alive on a salary that isn’t at all commissary with work/responsibilities. — we seem to do that alot in this country/society. but I digress – this is a topic for another blog

I quickly changed into the “hospital attire” — its like when you go to the costume ball, everyone wears a costume. They had given me one of the “regulation” masks – which are horrible things. Holding a mask by my ears? Really? Did no one consider that this is a weak piece of cartilage that controls alot of trigger points in the rest of the body for things that are important? The mask is important, but how about we “tie” it to our face, instead of attaching it to a part that will inadvertently get uncomfortable, and btw, peoples ears are NOT all the same size, so these can’t possible fit “one size fits all”

The nurse – Jennifer, came in to check my vitals – blood pressure was high (again) no shock, I took my anti seizure med but not my anxiety med…. note to self, maybe next time don’t forget to ask if its “okay” to do this. Much to my delight, Jennifer was a superstar, and got me the “premeds” my surgeon had ordered to “help” medicinally with the healing — an anti-inflammatory, and a pain med (oxycodone) — I told Jennifer she should have led with this… I’m not at all a drug addict, but I know the effects of Oxy, and I have to say, it is one of the most potent, most addictive and fastest acting– “flush my cares away” meds I’ve every had….. She also explained to me that she would “need” a pee test for pregnancy…. I laughed. … good thing intuition told me when I was first brought into this room, and the kind lady told me where the bathroom was, I elected to not use it at the time…. because after so long without any fluids… there was no way I’d have been able to evacuate my bladder earlier, and still have enough to give for a pee test.

I’m guessing it must have – as expected come back Negative – same with COV test, but I honestly never found out. Jennifer did check and confirm for me that my surgery time was indeed not 7:00 but infact, 7:30.

Next came the Anesthesiologists or as I like to call them “the partridge family” — aka “come on get happy” — these are the people that you will never remember but that make or break the surgery experience from the perspective of helping you not feel anything, not remember anything, and above all wake with nothing but a smile and a desire to be done.

So my get happy people today – first I was greeted by “Austin” who it turns out was a trainee – I call him this – he is actually doing residency things right now to wrap up his training. He is also from Seattle – a fact I heard him later discussing with the nurses outside the room – thin thin walls. He had a great smile in his eyes. We hit it off, and when his “somewhat IDk what else to call her, and its not an appropriate title” boss, Karen came in because “I was talking too much and making him take too long” — We started over. I’ve taken to telling these people that I am their difficult patient of the day – mostly because its true – — when I went to schedule a surgery last year this time, the anesthesiologist for the other hospital called me to ask if I knew I had a 2 page document about the challenge to keep/get me copacetic – I didn’t know this then, but I make a point to share it, to help try and set appropriate expectations with these people at the beginning. Always, everytime, they think I’m just being hard on myself – and I heard Karen holler at Austin for giving me this title – which he xplained I had given myself … bet she still didn’t’ believe him — bet she does now.

So we, the three of us talked a bit, I explained the Vimpat situation, and the cause of it, I explained the “no I didn’t take ativan, but I probably should have” situation – I confirmed about the two drugs Jennifer had given me. I summeroized to the best of my “invisible” knowledge about “why” I would be a difficult patient – not from a conscious perspective – and I looked Karen in the eye, and told her … when I was difficult, and she was having to “fix something” to talk to my seemingly fast asleep ass and tell me what she needed. So that I could help… and not keep trying to fight against the borg invading my body. “resistance is futile, you will be assimilated” (hell no, I’m a win one for the gipper) … but I digress.

Karen and Austin rounded up there questions, or atleast I hope they did, I did ask them twice if they had any more questions… and I noticed that Austin had forgotten to get a signature from me…. one he mentioned he would need at his intro… but thats okay he got Jennifer to bring it in and get me to sign … so before his boss and Karen’s boss noticed. No harm no foul.

Next came the waiting. wait wait– wait wait….. I did quite a few meditations. This room was surprisingly good for this, but then its probably the distant/time warp reiki I had done the couple days before to send myself love, light and healing to this space.

Eventually my favorite nurse of this experience “Quo” as she called herself, or “Quoessha” showed up to introduce herself, and check my BP again as it was “still high” — Note to self, pizza probably not the best pre-op food the night before, as its high in sodium – and while my BP wasn’t in the “danger zone” it was higher than they liked, and no amount of me “calling it down” was working when there was just too bloody much sodium in my system. Thanks Mr, Rogers, it was a beautiful day in my neighborhood -but I could have used some advice to not eat the comfort foods to help with the emotional worry of the day, only to cause the physical worry of the next.

Quo talked a little and made herself human for me …. All of the nurses did this, and I think its part of why I call them superheroes, its not just that they have the job, wear the uniform, deal with the fires…. its the fact that they are real, and human and they will share with you – if you just ask, just show interest…. and bluntly – atleast for me, this is the most emotionally calming thing …. hearing and relating to someone else as a human with the same problems — all be it different in the moment. Problems I have….. Life goes on.

Quo finished her check in — verifying the access Jennifer had given – they weren’t able to use my port…. No idea why… and Jennifer had used one of my … least desirable points, crock of my right elbow — its one of my best veins but it is always one that I move too much and then end up with a golf ball to heal…. “yes body, I know we have an XYZ that we are doing .. as well as yeah the C stuff … but could you take a few minutes with this bruise that I did to myself … by … wiggling? ” ….. Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle wiggle wiggle…. I tried to stay ultra still and tried to immobilize my body — this is something I’ve had alot of training in … Acupuncture again to the rescue…. but its still a challenge being that this is my dominant hand, and in the worst possible place.

The boss of Karen and Austin popped in to just check if I had any questions…. I smiled at him, and confirmed he was there boss. I told him how wonderful they were, and I asked him if he had any questions? He smiled back, and he thanked me for my feedback. I confirmed that he would not be in the OR with me, and he let me know that as soon as the surgeon showed up, we would get the show on the road. I thanked him again. I don’t recall his name, he was a nice, cute and friendly man.

Around 8, Dr Fisher magically appeared outside and had a conversation with some nurses that sort of set my mind a worry – as it was a dejavu of the conversation about MY surgery with the breast reconstruction — a patient had “signed” about a breast removal – where the paperwork said two breasts, but the surgery was only for one. …. Scary scary delta, and apparently a common thing? ….

Dr F pooped in – she was NOT in scrubs yet. We checked in, I asked her if she had worked out today, because I know this is her “go to” for less stress, she thanked me for checking in on her, and said “no” today was a sleeping day instead. I told her I understood this was hard times. I willed her an incredible day, starting with my surgery which would be fast and easy. She told me she was thinking she might need to do a drain. She quickly explained… but more, she mentally sent me the picture of “why” and it made sense…. not a pleasant thing but the best hope for the best outcome. A drain would allow her more access to “get the crap” … without being overly invasive to my body. I told her I trusted her, and to make it so, if she felt it was what she needed. She relaxed a bit, and nodded her head.

She left the room, and Karen, Austin and Quo outside got me into Rock and Rolling. I don’t remember the rest of what happened until i was in the recovery.

“Mickey” who is actually Michella in the recovery room, was super great. As soon as my eyes popped open – oh Karen and Austin had remembered to remove/return my glasses (I am pretty bat style blind without them) so I was able to see!! A blessed unexpected thing that….. I asked her to call my husband and let him know I was done – she did this post haste. I’ve never had a nurse call from my bedside like this – and I voiced to Phil, I’m done, come get me. She stiffled a laugh.

I spent the next little bit with her, and she was just delightful. Physically I was in and out and the pain was bouncing up and down the scale like a ping pong ball — I blame the wound vac.

So a wound vac, is what they put on surgery sites to keep it — air/toxin free, while helping encourage demandingly your own body to prioritize this spot. My body typically doesn’t need this type of thing – but Dr F is an A type so there would never have been a world where this wasn’t the way we went. … the Wound vac itself is an R2D2 style device, about the size of an original cell phone – or 6x4x3 inches in size– that quacks like donald duck…. when its “removing air” from the wound. They seal the wound up like fort knox and the tube coming out of it to this device is the only opening. its packed inside with the best possible outcome of stuff, and you can’t shower with – only sponge baths (so avoid me like the plague for stinky for the next week or 2 depending on when they free me) and its basically a piece of noisy hardware attached to your body…. the “drain” yeah we went that way… is small and seems relatively neat and clean – and will in most likely events be gone before the wound vac – which is both odd and predictable – go figure — my body “yeah we do what we want” —

Tell my body to heal X first, and my body is GOING to be that rebellious teenager and X will be healed last…. I can encourage otherwise, cajole and otherwise spank into submission … but healing is going on either way, and bluntly while Donald will become annoying, right now, drain that i will require P assistance to manage is alot more annoying.

So M and I talked alot – she is trying to get into the doctor about some issues – which I got to hear about because she was talking to the nurse across…. the Patient in the next bed kept “forgetting”? to breath – or rather just nto breathing — her o2 kept dropping. So M would remind her politely — I finally intercede and got her talking about her kids. Go figure a momma talking about her kids is never going forget to breath …

And after what seemed like a lifetime – she finally got a BP reading low enough to send me back to 28 and Kaitlyn – to get de-accessed, dressed, and wheeled out to P. Kaitlyn is the first person in my life to actually look like a Kaitlyn! I never knew what a Kaitlyn looked like until today. She was kind, pleasant, and above all ready to do whatever I needed to help me reach my goal of GTFO.

P and I stopped at Starbucks for coffee — mmmm coffee. and life is good.

I’m good, tired but not sleepy – and of course the RX they sent didn'[ get to walgreens – Rachel with Dr F office really needs another job. She is a good data person, but a horrible working with humans person, and she is too self (career, comfort, body — a thing I’m working on learning) focused to do the things like “wow lets call in RX for the patient we finished, before we go into “the next patient” …. so I’m sure she will call in RX after they finish all the surgery for the day…. too bad we are already home, so no more pain meds for me until tomorrow — Thanks Rachel for treating me like a data point instead of a human being. I wish you a better job where people interactions are NOT part of the position. I also wish Dr. F more people like the other assistants in her office, that are so people focused that they are always a joy to have around.

Mostly I’m blessed to have this experience in the rear view. Thank you P for chauffeuring me again — thank you to all the Super Heroes in my life. Thank you for learning and growing experiences, and thank you universe for providing me with quiet and insanely helpful intuitions in my life. I’m certain they were always there, but I’m blessed to have the volume around 8 instead of around 2.

Today I felt like a vip gold star traveler…. at St Davids in down town Austin. A little far to travel, but so worth the journey.

Last night we were flipping thru my Youtub subscriptions to find something P & I would both enjoy or atleast that I’d enjoy and wouldn’t drive him overlynuts.

Was in a weird mood and happened upon a couple I thought were good, but turned out not so much.

One of these was odd – it had “my boi” well one of them… Matthew M – and an interview where he was talking about his new book – which is kinda an auto biograph… where he talks about journaling since in his teens. This is something I could relate to – having journaled much of my childhood and into adulthood.

I think part of what broke the habit for me was losing a box of old journals to weather damage in the garage. It wasn’t the end of the world – they were just old writings…. But it was also the end of that.

This is kinda a feeling I haven’t really come to terms with – it was a loss and while it wasn’t overly large – it was also huge. The reconciliation my mind and body has taken – all these years was … enough of that, we will deal with this another time. I’m just not sure that other time will ever come, because I’m not sure how to make it be okay to lose this… yet I’m not sure how I feel about the loss all the same.

I wrote alot – I wrote poems, I wrote how I felt, I wrote stories… They were old friends. It wasn’t anything particularly valuable – I’m not a great writer – I just wrote. I do know this loss, was a tad profound in a small way. It eliminated trust in my ability to safeguard these things… These self expressions or feelings.

Sidegress. So the Youtube we started – I started a couple, including the MM one before I moved onto one by Simon Sinek – on one of his older books – the title of the session caught my eye/attention… Leaders Eat Last – I had forgotten having listened to books by him previously in seeing his name, because I’m usually not a person by name. This particularly video showed a presentation on the science behind hormones and leadership. Its incredible.

In such a brief period it had so much relevant information about this day, this age, this time – but also about things with myself. Both dealing with the anxiety, the stress, and the big C …. as well as old things…. like this feeling, for my old journals.

When I lost the feeling of safety back so long ago… the part of me that leads me… the part of my personality that “leads” the pack – lost the faith of the other parts – including the creative part of me. This explains why so many of the turns and turmoil in my life have happened.

Its particularly relevant for the time this occurred – early 20s. I shied away from journaling for many years. Away from writing. This was both exceptionally detrimental to me, and also an area of hypocrisy for me…. I have always and will always be the first to declare to everyone else how beneficial and easy journaling is….

Blogging is my current form of journaling – and its one of those funny things – back a few years ago – maybe 7 or so…. my blogs were almost lost this same way, and its part of why there are some gaps – why I couldn’t get myself to commit to the daily habit of this routine. The trust, and leadership elements are not minor, they are everything.

Now that I’m older, and have an understanding of these things, its alot easier to recognize these things, and to help coach myself in areas where I know I’m doing or shying from doing – as appropriate – the things that are most beneficial to me. Its easier to gently nudge myself back to the right path – with the cheerleader elements of my personality. Yeah Team!

Thank you Simon for being an excellent public speaker as well has having timely and poignant information.

Thank you universe for helping me improve and learning how best to help myself be the best person I can. Thank you for surrounding me with love and a wealth of people that care about me and remind me on the daily of my blessings. Thank you for my blessings.

When I was a teenager, I recall having a discussion with my grandmother. Both of my grandmothers were intelligent inspiring women, but in this particular case the conversation was with my Maternal grandmother. It came up, as a further discussion with my Paternal grandmother and grandfather at a different date, when my perspective on the discussion was slightly shifted.

My “granny” as we called her, was discussing with me – as we sewed. Her favorite past time. A hobby she passed some knowledge down to me, but that I was unable to recognize its true merits until lately – particularly in this year.

Our discussion was over something that I took for granted that was always an offensive thing to her. I was raised by children of the vietnam era, both of my parents were of the age to be greatly impacted from this war, and this struggle – the overall climate of society, the volatility and the fight for freedom. In this manner, one of the things the instilled in both myself, my brother and even later in my younger sister, was the fact that it was “okay” to speak your mind, and to cuss and to passionately argue your position – provided you weren’t inappropriate with the timing, or place of these things so as to get them in “trouble” with your rhetoric. IE – don’t cuss at church, because it might be offensive, and cause someone to point fingers in dismay at my parents for being “bad parents” – don’t argue or fight with teachers, because while your in school you are under their direction.

My parents, both of them, but particularly my mother was quite outspoken about our “right” to freedom and to do what we felt was right. While not preventing someone else from that same right. Part of true freedom is the right to do what you feel is right, while not inhibiting someone else’s ability to do what they feel is right. Its the balance of passion with wisdom.

These things were instilled at a very young age. There is an argument for me to say that these were some of the most prominent lessons my parents instilled in me. More so even then right and wrong – leaving this up to god to persay and a good dose of common sense. Teaching me “how” to identify right and wrong rather than “what” is…. a Very different lesson.

I digress.

This conversation with my Granny – her perspective was excessively different from that of my parents. Her perspective was that of a child of a first generation immigrant. Her perspective was that of “blend in” – and for her, it was unthinkable that I would even consider cussing. How could I possible view this as EVER being something that was a “right” thing to do? – This discussion went on further to discuss the fact that while it was a privilege and a right to have freedom, part of the responsibility that went with that was ensuring moderation and temperance. She instilled in me the fact that society only works when EVERYONE is taking care to look out for the safety and humanity of everyone else, including themselves. By making an environment where everyone feels safe.

I remember just being overly confused at the time with how cussing, how expressing myself bolsteriously could possible be excluding anyone – how it could be endangering the freedoms we all so love and rever.

I remember further having this same conversation with my Paternal grandparents, to see if their perspective provided any further enlightenment. I know the conversation was not as direct, or as clear as the way I’ve typed it above – the conversation with my Granny wasn’t either – she was “lecturing me” about utilizing all of my words, instead of the words of grace, understanding and showing myself as a proper lady verses a heathen as she called those that didn’t. It was none the less the same conversation. I talked to them about these things, knowing full well, it was a given that for my Paternal grandparents, it was a not something I’d have ever considered with using cussing, or raising my voice – as I’d watched my cousins do this to must chastisement and frowning from my grandparents.

The information they provided in the round about way we discussed this, was about how protecting society was by showing always your best face, and encouraging this in others. By helping and promoting the best always, even in the worst, it was the way to encourage and ensure that everyone got thru – sure things were not always “the best” but there was never a good reason for lamenting or cussing. It happened, but it was never a good thing.

I remember taking all these things in, but just never understanding them. Just never being able to have a perspective on it. Until today.

Today, I saw how anarchy happens. I felt it. I felt the raw sense of when society falls to the point that its suddenly perceived by some as “protecting my rights as the expense of others, is okay” — it was like a lock fiting into the key for that conversation.

It is not a pleasant revelation. Its also not a safe one. I understand now, how walking down this seemingly comfortable whimsical road of “its okay to do x, what could it hurt?” – is actually – well there is an expression “the road to hell is paved with good intentions” — that expression makes so much more sense to me today.

I also remember being told this year, when I decided I want 40 more years of life – that this would not be an easy 40 years. I remember being told, that many things would be taken away from me, and while not all of them would be bad, that there would be a heavy cost to living another 40 years.

I remember when I was younger – a teenager, a 20 year old – I remember the nostalgia I felt for the 20’s and the 30’s – and I am realizing now, how the 80s and the 90s are going to start feeling like the 20s and 30s did most likely for the people – my grand parents that lived those years. They were not really overly great, and the things that seemed so “wow cool” from those ages were actually the fringe from all the turmoil that was erupting.

I’m reminded of the fact that this wheel of time goes around and around, and the lessons continue to repeat. It is both a reminder of the blessings, and a warning of the potentials.

I think my granny was probably right. There is never a reason to not be lady, and to exhibit poise and grace – however, that being said, wearing my pj’s around the house sure is nicer than getting dressed up.

P took me around for a drive today, because too many passionate things set me off… rather set off my imagination into wild whims of mad max and the thunderdome fancy. I needed to be bombarded with nature to remember that for all the struggles that we are experiencing right now as a culture – as a society – as a country … that the world will continue to go on – the sun will continue to shine (at least for a couple million more years at least) and the wind will continue to blow. To quote one of my favorite poems (thank you cousin P for introducing this to me so many years ago) Desiderata: With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Thank you universe for reminding me that there is a balance.

There was an old SNL (Saturday Night Live) skit that always used to crack me up: Hanz and Franz (Going to Pump you up)

It gets filed in the same category as the fitness nuts I’ve had in my life, one of those things I can find amusement/enjoyment at, for my ignorance, as well as the sheer bliss of knowing that these friends are in their job.

Recently it occurred to me that exercise is another form of emotional crutch – a slightly more healthy version of my old standing one of emotional eating. In the way of meandering through my struggles overtime with the fall back of emotional eating – trying to get out of this rabbit hole – I’ve been looking at ‘what other options’ are available in the slightly more constructive world.

Emotional Fitness is one I’ve come upon. It has alot more potential than I’d realized until lately. There is a synergy for the body with fitness. You feel good, and you don’t beat yourself over the head for doing it. Emotional eating is a double edged sword – first it usually doesn’t make you feel good – eating too much of bad things. Then you have the guilt of “doing bad things” – feeding ones self when you don’t need it, for an overweight person is just not good.

While my heart and head both know this “not good” thing – its hard in the moment to shut up the little kid saying “but I wanna, I wanna” – and work with the teenager, and adult to say “we could….”

I’m trying – I’m trying.

Thinking back about this skit, gave me inspiration to “try” this alternative form of emotional satisfaction – not only is it constructive, it also produces feel good emotions, which are so so helpful when one is in need of an emotional blanket of feel good. Dance, walk, boogie, bounce, swim, cycle, pace, kickbox – anything that sounds fun and moves the body – these are cool little things that tell my cells “we are healing” – which is what emotional “insert activity here” without the need to beat myself over the head with a broom for healing on one side, while harming on the other.

I remember when I was younger, circa day 20’s, that I spent a few months in DC with my great aunt, and I would walk a mile to and from the little cashier job I had at the pharmacy there…. we would do these Volksmarches on the weekends when we were both off… basically a walking trip thru nature or a small little offshoot town area, that would be a healing thing – a Relaxing and movement thing. These were things I did not recognize the intent of, but that were groundwork for the feelings I have now. Thank you Aunt Maureen.

The healthiest people I know, walk or move a great deal everyday to help their body process. Eating isn’t the only thing we need. Bodies are designed for movement, not sedentary. Spending so much time confined exacerbates the mental challenge of “I gotta move” – quote from a game I typically play daily – Hearthstone.

Still struck by the lady I met at the Radical Remission workshop that was 78 and would walk 5-10 miles a day for pleasure. These are concepts that are just so foreign to me. But then I talk to my uncle, who lives on 15 acres on the side of a mountain in a beautiful area, and I realize his movement is obligatory. Animals don’t understand when you don’t provide necessary care, they know movement is as much a fact of life as water, sunshine and food.

Why is this not a concept like breathing? Why do I have so many hang ups about exercise. Why does it feel like “work” or “chores” – gotta find the fun, and the game in it. Working on one of these now, I’ll report back if I find it working in a few weeks. Test, test test – and report. Always the data analyst in me.

Constantly seeking new and improved ways to put the fun in making my body move. To draw the fun out of it, so I want – not just need – WANT to do it daily. So that the movement becomes the joy and the reason for doing it, not the obligatory action of “I gotta move”

I am blessed to have fitness “nuts” – yes I’ll still call them nots, because while I can understand and appreciate the desire to emotionally ‘work out’ I’m not sure I’ll be able to reframe the movement into this niche. I am blessed to have these people in my life, as a gold star example of the infinite possibilities of opening my mind and allowing the plethora of variety of life to embrace and show me the world.

Thank you universe for giving me the sun, the moon and the stars – and especially this blue moon on this amazing day of hallows eve. Thank you for giving me the people in my life that bring me joy, happiness and surround me with bliss on the daily. Thank you for giving me safety, health, and above all a wealth of wonder full engaging things that bring me infinite doses of happiness to brighten my world and bring the joy of life out in my smile, my eyes, and my heart.

And when you get to the end, stop. – a quote from Lewis Carroll; Alice and wonderland. And one of the ones that perpetually creeps into my mind like a odd growth upon my soul.

I’m a tad nervous about the surgery on Tuesday. While I recognize its the better choice – by a very very long shot. Its still “surgery”. I’ll be glad to have it in the rearview, and moving on to happier progress.

Thoughts in my head are changing. Shifting, and morphing, influx about priorities, and how to make what matters more of my time.

So much of my time, today and currently, seems to be spent in relaxation and contemplation. Not at all a bad thing, but an extremely dynamic difference from “this is where we were” and the former plan for “this is where we are going”

In the contemplation, I am drawn back to my experiences in India. The magical day? Yes, we were there for more than one, and there are many many experiences that were dynamic along that entire trip. However, the one that most strikes me is the whirlwind one in Mumbai with the team of people I’d worked with across the ocean, that worked viligigantly to show an ostentatious American an amazing time and the delight of experiences in India. Maybe I’m not exactly ostentatious – but there is DEFINITELY many other words/phrases expressions I’d use to express myself, most of them not overly flattering.

These people were my friends, my coworkers, my colleagues, and they were the most happy, friendly, giving folks I’ve encountered. Ensuring that I had happy memories to take home from my experience in their country. Its a gift I can not be grateful enough. … Three blogs from the experience here:

Part 1 – Harmony and Bliss

Part 2 – SERENDIPITY – MEDITATION IN THE MOMENTS

Part 3 – GATEWAY TO INDIA, FRIENDSHIP AND EXPLORATION OF OVERHEATED VARIETY

I am so grateful for my time and experiences. That whirlwind of time, and exploration somewhat strikes an odd parallel for me now. It was so different than anything I’d ever experienced in my life, just like everything right now is – in so many respects. I will have this time as a growth experience in another 5 years, once I’ve embraced all of the treasures this time has to offer, and learned to integrate the value into my life.

Thank you India, and the kindhearted blessed souls who facilitated my learning during this experience.

Thank you for all the family and friends in my life for all the support and gratitude you are perpetually showing and helping me with – Growth is not a simple thing, and its a thing we are all experiencing. Learning to embrace the valuable in life right now, is something I’m blessed to be able to enjoy. Both the pleasure, and the discomfort of the entire world.

Sometimes, when P talks to me about things, he will slip into Jargon – and because I more enjoy the “sound” of the voice – particularly his, I just let him talk – even though I don’t know what the letters he is spewing stand for or mean.

Every field, job, game, area of society has TLA – three letter acronym that represent “something” – we are a society of efficiency – and that means using TLA to keep things fast and simple.

They are … “brief” ways of sharing a joint meaning for a concept, word or set of instructions.

We have holidays in the US – I mean most countries have them – and there are “shared concepts” but we don’t generally use TLA for these holidays. We just have “concepts” that we all share, visions of what is “supposed” to be for a particular holiday.

None of these things are “necessary” – the holiday will happen with or without our perceptions about whats supposed to happen.

Like Valentines day is about “people we love” … sharing love.

The upcoming one – Thanksgiving – is well – we generally think of it as “getting together” “having a feast” – and sharing love and warmth with those we love. …. What does it look like this year? Is this a year where we morph a tradition?

2020 is an interesting year. Its a year of … “how do we do X, while still maintaining Y and avoiding Z” – we have gotten alot better about this all year. Somethings will remain the same, but many things will shift. There will be a “new normal”

Spending time with family is important. Sharing food and blessings is important. Where is the balance?

All of life is balance. There is a time for caution and there is a time for perspective, and there is also a time to shift the rules to make the game more enjoyable. I don’t really believe that this is that time.

The cautions we are all taking are important. They will be important for – “some time” in the future. I don’t honestly know how long, but my instinct tells me more than six more months…. that’s a minimum – part of me can see this going on ad infinitum. The more data that shows up about this invader, the more cautious I feel it is necessary to become. The more long term ramifications of being exposed, or working thru the illness, show me even more truth in the need for caution.

I’m left with the little kid parts of me going “but why, but why” … when I think about NOT spending this thanksgiving with all of my family. My family – well family and to be honest friends I’ve adopted as family – is big. My house is, well for some parts of the world its big, but for this part of the world its not. The number of people I can safely have social distancing inside and on the porch is alot more limited then the amount of family that I have….

Suffice to say, this difficulty/challenge is not unique to me – I’m certain many families and friends as well as many others within my family – are feeling the struggle with this challenge.

On the plus side, being able to socially distance, or remote/zoom chat for the gathering – means people are still alive, healthy, and safe. These are important things, and being able to chat with the ones I loved, is something I am very very thankful for…

Energy doesn’t recognize distance, so I suppose it means no matter where people are, we will be close, and sharing in each others beautiful energy.

I remember my first thanksgiving away from home – with my “new” husband, years ago. It was hard. This year will be hard. Hard doesn’t mean bad, it just somehow means growth and development. We learn, we evolve – we become better and stronger.

I am thankful for this year of challenge to become a better version of myself.

We went to Starbucks today – and in the line was this … Pink … car. Not Mary Kay Pink – which is more like pink panther – this was a little more purple, It was an incredible distinctive car color.

Staring at this car – as it happened to be in front of us – I was struck that it “seemed” like the same color as some fictional cartoon character – but as I racked my brain, and solicited P in the hunt – we could not identify which toon might be this color. It was too purple for piglet or a my little pony character. It was sort of the color of the girl mushroom lady from mario brothers, but the accents on the car were black not white so seemed a bit off.

I’m not sure why this struck me so much – my mind kept wondering “why would someone do that” …. It was brought to my attention years ago, and has been more profoundly so this year – that the question “why” is really one of the most unimportant questions one can ask. While it does usually provide some common ground for understanding.

Even if there “is” a specific why that this person would want to drive around in a uniquely pink car…. its probably not something I’d have a basis to relate to anyway – so I should just “love them” for their uniqueness and stop wondering about their life choices.

Speaking of pink… well okay not exactly, but I got these super cool pants a month or so back – they have these amazing flowers on them – and when I ordered them I was unconcerned with them matching because they just had so so many colors in them, I was certain there would be “something” in my wardrobe to match….

Boy was I wrong. Okay wrong is a little to harsh. White and Black match them – well, most of my blacks as the pervasive color in the pants is black its often the case that black does not match black. It does seem that most of mine does match – but its still so much black to wear when the top is black, and the bottoms are black with a pattern.

I thought for certain one of the greens would match, … but the paints are a little more teal than I have, but not the same teal as I have teal of… also the pinks are not the same pink at all – these are more of a coral, which I generally don’t have because its too much yellow and thats just not a good color for me to wear. The browns – surely the browns would match – not so much, I do have one shirt that would match – but the shirt is striped and striped top with a pattern bottom is less than ideal – even if the colors look okay. … But what about the red/maroon you say, surely you have something in that shade, it looks really good on you … Yes, many options – all slightly a different shade then looks best with these pants.

These pants, its worth mentioning are supremely comfortable. They are like I dream of jeanie pants – slightly loose in the legs, with a cuff at the bottom and a cuff at the middle – just so soft and comfy. My white matches, however most of my white shirts at present, are pretty see- which is just not a look that is particularly appealing for a woman my age…. so I’m left/resigned to my black shirts.

Aha for something of the right shade of pink….

S started me on this new game last night. I’m struggling, because its a storyline I’m not really finding satisfying at all. Perhaps its just early in the game, but man its like “really? this is so so dark right now”…. I generally don’t like scary content – finding too many scary things in life in general, and particularly right now, in 2020 in life. So while games “should be a reflection of life” IMHO – they should be a reflection of the best of life – NOT the worst. They should be the happy go lucky feel good things, that we just can’t get enough of….

Or atleast that is my opinion. Feels a little bad to leave my friend hanging though … since we started this game together, so I have to figure out a way to suck it up buttercup and just see if the game gets redemption later. (Balders Gate 3)

There was the coolest work of art? at the nurses station for my favorite nurse last friday — they had taken all the cards and notes they had received, and made a cabinet collage with them at the nurses stand – it was just beautiful. I asked the ladies about it, and they explained it was cards they had gotten over the years. I was so inspired it made me want to send more cards, to help fill their beautiful collage with more pretty notes.

I can see this being a light in the dark for them – a place they could turn to when the day was grey and filled with not shiny happy things – to help brighten things up. Nurses work hard, this is a loveless job – even in the best of times. I wish there were more I could do to help fill them with sunshine on the regular.

Its one of those times of year, where I feel like we all need a bit more sunshine. The day was particularly grey and gloomy looking today. It IS supposed to get super cold over the next couple, so here is hoping that we get a little pretaste of winter our way soon.

There are just so many things to be thankful for – as we drove today and enjoyed the wide open spaces along 130 – from one appt to another – I was struck by how much the area has changed, and how many more people live here now then 20+ years ago when we moved to Texas. While I won’t say Texas will be my forever home – I’m still stubborn enough to believe in the possibility that “go west” still applies to me. – it is my home now …. and “Yall” can just hug me and bless my little heart.

Gratitude for another Monday, gratitude for friends, family and loved ones. Gratitude for overcast gloomy days that help water the plants and the trees, and remind us that there will be sunny bright ones again soon. — Gratitude for Pink skies – well, and Pink cars, that make me think.

Today I’ve been a busy little bee. Clean up, clear out and work work work – do the hustle and all other sorts of shuffle things.

Cleaned up a few things, got alot of hugs from family (always a good thing), fixed up some breakfast and coffee for family and cleaned up stuff after. Taking care of P as he recovers, to ensure he moves, but not too much.

Will be glad when Nov comes, particularly after Nov 3 – both for my “election of surgery” and for the other one too.

Life has been a very good thing lately for me. So many little reminders of how I’m doing great. How things are moving along if I just keep swimming, just keep swimming.

Little somewhat less unpleasant reminders of the fact that I’m not alone, and that everyone is going through something – mine is neither bigger, nor smaller – just my own. Lots of opportunities to help boost up people and remind them I’m just another human and they are cherished.

I think people forget they are human. I think that we all forget that we share the same air, the same water, the same space – its good to just gentle remind each other that there are more of us here together than any other time in history and its so much more important to check in with each other and make sure that we are all doing okay.

Yesterday I had the opportunity to go see some of my favorite people at the Oncology places I visit – while its Friday for them; its also the busiest time. I watched the front desk person at the place as I waited patiently get overwhelmed and rushed by no less than 15 people in the ten minutes I was there – usually they have four people in that space, and there was just her – until another lady came back from …. somewhere else? and immediately set to work to help — but it was clearly not her normal place.

Its remarkable easy to identify when someone – a fellow human is overwhelmed. That look and vibe of held in frustration balanced with exhaustion and sadness. That look of pleading for humanity. I looked over, after I had been checked in – and watched as she was bombarded again and again with just a barrage of people and issues – she is the front line, and has to handle both all of the checkins, the deliveries, the phones, the questions that need to get routed both to nurses, schedulers and others – she is the first line of introduction, and the last line. This lady usually is one of the happiest and kindest soft spoken folks, but it was quite clear she was at the end of the candle yesterday.

I reached out as she took a breath and happened to look up and did my arms wrapped around in a “virtual hug” that I typically do to ALL of the staff, and most of the folks I encounter these days …. if I can’t do the real thing, I will absolutely damn sure send energy ones. I told her, since she looked briefly perplexed – “virtual hug” – she instantly visable relaxed. I don’t know if she was expecting me to be attacking or what, but she replied with a “Boy I needed that” and she suddenly had just a little more spunk, a little more energy to help her get through the next three hours – of her long long week.

While I don’t know what troubles other people are going thru – that old adage “do unto others”…. sticks heavily in my mind. I’d ALWAYS like a virtual hug – so I figure its the least I can do for every other person I encounter…. Particularly the ones that are clearly, most evidently in need. It may not be the “surgery” of the fix – but its damn sure the triage. My thought is, if I can help someone hold out a little longer, maybe either the universe will perform the surgery that will help with a better solution – or atleast I’ll stop the bleeding long enough for them to seek “professional help” – whatever that is in this day and age.

As I’m doing the hustle and busting a move – as I continue to do things as I can today – I’m very grateful for all the bandaids other people have put on me to help me get to today. To help me continue fighting, and winning. Love life, love all the people in my life – and I even love my struggles – because they are and have been teaching me how strong and how much I can do. Exceeding my own expectations.

This has been a super busy week. Filled with rollercoasters. First is the discovery that I’ll be doing surgery on election day. Apparently this infection does have a known common root cause, and now it is going to be plucked out like the small bug it is…. or atleast thats the theory.

Second the rocking ship of the test results. Mostly good – CT & bone scan showed clean (other than the belly button which is the infection) – and the MRI showed no new growth but the three stubborn things left did increase a little from July – though not as large as April so its a little difficult to say why the seem bigger.

Third is the pause of chemo – need to give my body a few weeks in between treatments for the surgery – so I get a cycle reprieve.

Fourth is P having some unexpected snafu things – that are both pro and con. We will see how they flesh out, overall just keeping a close watchful eye on him.

My imagination always works overtime. Both for the good and the bad of that. I’ve had some truly bizarre dreams this past week. “Take it to you Bob” – the price is definitely right, but its now Drew Carrey which I don’t know if that makes it better or stifles some of his insanely incredible inspiring comedy.

Everyone keeps waiting for 2020 to hurry up and end – but the fact is we bought tickets for a full decade. Its started out rocky but we have learned so much, and there is so much more to go.

Found an adorable mountain village in Germany that has the coolest holiday traditions – I wonder how cov things will impact them. Also realized I had such an incredible time in Germany its fair to say I’m missing it.

Revisiting things, is part of this pinwheel. Go backwards to go forward on the wheel… where things just keep spinning, just keep spinning.

I am so blessed to have so many people in my life I cherish. They bring a smile to my face, and a bounce to my step as I navigate through this sometimes tumultuous course.

I tried my hand at pimento cheese yesterday – it was “one” of the six or seven things I cooked – got on a spree and felt the need to just let it out in a whirlwind – and things were produced. Pimento cheese is alot easier than expected and I have to say, my homemade one is so so much better than any I’ve ever bought. it was actually pretty easy to make – the cuisinart did all the heavy lifting – and if it weren’t for the fact that I tried to “half” the recipe – it would have been so fast, I had to let it mix a little longer because it was so much less and my cuisinart is so much more. In the end, we triumphed, and it turned out just amazing – I think peppers with cheese is a tad hard to mess up, but I can’t imagine most people realize the small list of ingredients in this, or there would be pimento cheese parties and competitions. I could see the “challenge” type thing for this.

Its been pointed out to me by the stars that I’ve officially tasked P with making me smoked turkey on his birthday. Happy 50th – smoke me a turkey biotch. Its not what I’ve intended, however, I do want him to smoke a turkey – he does enjoy the satisfaction of it – and I have been rambling/struggling in the head with what to do with this birthday of his for months now with no clear answer in mind. Yes, I care – go get in the kitchen and make me some pie – well a turkey 🙂

Originally, I’d picked out a thing for him – well he picked it out and thought it was too pricey so I told him to get it for his birthday/christmas/anniversary and would be great, but it turned out to be sold out by the time he tried to fire the thing for the purchase. He is just ridiculously difficult to buy for – because when he wants something, he just gets it.

Its inspiring to see all the wonderful outlets people are finding for their creativity during these isolation times. So many artists are arising from the ashes like phoenix – we apparently are just a culture of birds.

Its time to fly like an eagle and soar like a bird – find some new inspiration in my day. My hawk has been aloft on the heights recently, always popping over to visit now and again. Its a gentle reminder from the universe that things will get better, I just have to stay the course and go the distance.

So one of the evidence of progress in our area, is the fact that Friday night, we got to hear a concert…. No, we didn’t attend it….

It played until almost midnight. It was a country concert at the Dell Diamond – and it was so incredible loud we could all but hear the words to the songs here inside the house. Their base was so loud, that it was somewhat vibrating things…. little over half a mile away by bird. Driving, it takes a little longer to get to where the concert was, but birds and music – you know how these things travel.

It sort of made me reminisce both of the concerts I’ve attended, and those I opted to Not attend. Many were loud. Not so loud I’ve felt my ears were in jeopardy – but none were this concert. I literally can not conceive of how loud it must have been inside the actual venue where it was being performed – so loud to be heard half a mile away inside a house.

Also made me a tad mindful of the lesser insulation in our house and that this is something probably we should address. Especially now when its cooler, so as to not be insanely hot for the installers.

I mentioned a bit back about my proclevaty at the present for associating everything to lyrics – some for songs I don’t really recall or remember exactly – so Google has become my “life line” to getting to the song, playing the song and sharing it with P.

Last night it was the song, not the sound that I recalled. We were talking about childhood things – and the “Electric Company” came up in our discussion. I remembered watching them, but couldn’t recall the entire song – just the last words. P went and found it, and while he could recall the name of the show, not the song or watching it. Once he found the copy, and played it, even he was struck by the memories.

Its memories of cartoons only being “available to watch” on Saturday mornings. There was no streaming of cartoons, there was no weekday cartoons – although that came very quickly after when the producers realized the marketing they were missing in the form of figures and other paraphernalia.

So I have taken the red pill, and it has made all the difference. Things seem brighter and happier. Suddenly all has come into focus. Yes, this is metaphor but I’ve decided to leave it at that for the moment. I had tests this past week, results will be coming post haste.

Starbuck has taken to barking at me, when he wants “anything” – he has determined that this is the “way” – I’m working to break him of this habit, and I think it might actually be time to start crating him again… which seemed like an unnecessary thing for a while, but since he has taken to making his own “crate” under my dining room table…. perhaps he won’t be adverse to this idea either.

We are deliberating about how the back room will be done, and whether it should be the chicken or the egg of our house projects – our bedroom being the other. Backroom is … well its alot more empty than the bedroom. However, bedroom is in desperate need of new carpet. The old carpet called me, and said “thats it we are done, we retire” I tried to persuade it by the use of rugs over all entry ways, and covering the worst offender of the spots – but its still folding its arms and say “nah” – I can’t blame it, its done its 20 years, its time. There will be negotians I’m certain over what we get and where we put it…. and it will be a holy hell of a project to “empty” the room and paint so that it will be all fresh. Painting is something I still haven’t gotten P on board with yet.

His comment is “its perfectly good paint, why do we need new” …. and I look at the paint, and I see the stains from age, and I see the wearing on it. And I see how pretty and fresh the paint in other rooms looks…. and I am at a loss how to explain this to someone who doesn’t understand. Its like when you are young and you seriously don’t see why the floor needs to be vacuumed. Or more importantly how some adult can tell that you “did” or “didn’t” do it. Its just one of those mysterious of the universe at that time …. and then you reach that point…. where suddenly you see the crap on the floor and its like “ewe, where have you been hiding all my life”…..

Its not really observation, because as a child, I remember my powers of observation being highly skilled…. like I could tell when were were “going to grands house” or to the “store” or “doctor” by the demeanor of the parent driving, and also “how” they approached the drive. – I guess thats why they call it “animal instinct” — but I didn’t see the dirt, until well into my 20s.

Funny how things happen at different points for different people. I wonder if P will ever see the walls need paint.

When we first moved in here, C/R & I painted a mural thing of flowers on the open window space…. It was so so pretty, and I have loved it for the entire time… however, it really needs either a refresh, to be painted over or “something” – I haven’t decided exactly “what” its going to get, but my mind has been toying with options… that is after the “other” two projects get prioritized and complete.

Life is good.