I would generally consider myself to be a pacifist – meaning, I would be one of those people that would say, there are not alot of times when it is right to fight for something. That being said, its a very different perspective fighting to the right to be alive.

I feel, that I’m right in saying this is an appropriate time to fight – but then who am I to say. I suppose there are times when its right to fight – like in defense of those incapable of defending themselves. Or rather, fighting for the right to live for those whose right is being infringed. I also feel its appropriate for me to be fighting for life.

That being said, I’ve pretty well decided no matter what the MRI says, its nothing more than a guideline for whats working and what may need tweaking. There are alot of things going on in my body – yet STILL I am capable of having very good days. I am capable of resting and enjoying the moments of peace in between the raging going on.

This is a battle I intend to win. Its one I feel is worth the effort and the outcomes. There are precious few things right now that rise above this battle. P and I had an interesting conversation on the way to his scheduled vaccine appt. He managed to get into one of the sites doing the vaccines, and we were on the way. He was nervous about the appointment – which I told him my intuition said it was going to be super fine. I felt strongly it was not only okay but super good for him to be doing this.

He has been super scared of this virus. He has read so many of the horror stories, in the news, he and D both have….. The conversation today, was over the fact that in his mind – and I’m certain it has crossed my sisters mind as well – that this is a mortality battle. One minor slip and you have the potential to die. Our discussion today was that my perspective is so very different.

This virus maybe scary, but its like “meh” to me – mostly because what I’m dealing with – and have been for nearly six years now, is also scary and this virus sorta … well its not nearly as uncertain – we talked about the fact that I feel less scared of the virus because there are so many elements within my control…. and because its so widely spread there are alot of brilliant minds working on this problem. This is not at all to minimize the brilliant minds working on the big C – its more that something that has the power to impact everyone is a little more frightening to everyone than the things that have the power to impact a percentage only.

Personally the big C is a tad more scary to me, because so much of it feels ambiguous. I know that there are many elements of it being my body fighting against itself – against my patterns, behaviors triggers – however there is a genetic element to it – that tells me there is the fact that nature is also aware, and has encouraged development of this thing to help reduce the excess population – so I’m fighting against natural selection.

Somehow, being able to identify these things, makes me feel more empowered – sorta like “know thyself” “know thy adversary” – it makes me think some on the art of war that I have tried to re-read may many times. It is written in a language of allegory that appeals to my sense of rightness.

Talked today to my psychologist – thru the course of “things” there was a firedrill of sorts over the past week where my insurance decided to support the idea of a monopoly – which changed thru the course – but I basically accepted the firedrill, boxed into a mental box of “we will deal with this later” … and moved along. This was a great tactic, because it solved itself for the time being and insurance added a “new and improved” deadline to their idea of right. So a battle for another day – or technically another month.

We talked about the “things” that have bothered me over the past two weeks since we met last, and most of them have been physical which she can’t offer alot of suggestion for, but is sorta concrete reflection for me of the fact that I’m ready to reduce my sessions with her from once a week to twice a month. There will be times when there will need to be pick up sessions, but for the most part, I’ve developed tools for looking at things more appropriate as “this is not mine to deal with” …. This is a powerful lesson I just never learned growing up.

I’ve always felt like the weight of the world has been laid on my shoulders, and its my job to fix everyone around me. Part of my healing is recognizing this is not only not true, but its a very unhealthy place to be as well as self destructive. Its alot more peaceful to recognize my responsibility is taking care of myself, and I’m only responsible for this – everyone else will either fix themselves or stay unresolved, and I need to not only embrace this but to accept that its the best way for things to be.

I am blessed to have this time to reflect on things. P was realizing its been very nearly a year of him being home – and it has been a true blessing for both of us – as we have developed tools for a better happier home.

I am blessed to have people in my life that care about me, that care about each other and are able to just share and breath together.

I am blessed to have this battle to fight – to be able to fight for myself.

Good days, its where its at.

I got to spend time yesterday with R&E – was super nice, she is growing so fast, and its very cool to see how my brother is also growing – she has alot of work cut out for her, but he is definitely putting in the effort.

Yesterday was acupuncture. This is always helpful, all though I’ll admit that it has become more of a thing I worry about. I’m not sure why so many of my “things” that I know work, are things that seem more like a struggle. Perhaps its the fact that my mind is just ready for a vacation.

Wouldn’t it be nice. …. the Beach boys song always skips thru my head as I quote that line… https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nZBKFoeDKJo…. Although the lyrics don’t exactly mess up with what I’m feeling, the lyric of their voices will forever be something that grabs at my heart and makes me dance.

This is the second day in a row that I’ve slept – well risen earlier than usual or needed. Just an observation. I figure its partially medicinal based, and partially just starting to feel better.

It was nice to get out of my own head and follow along on someone elses journeys for a few hours. Today will be a very different journey but potentially alot more of the same – D is coming over and that will just be great.

Today might be a squash day – its been sitting on my counter looking at me longingly lately. “Hey baby, didn’t you have a plan that included me? ” And truth be told, I did…. my stomach could use some of this tasty delicious healthy carb. Its been a little unhappy with some of my food choices lately – I can’t blame it overall, emotional eating has been strong lately – however it feels like maybe I’ll get a little respite from that soon, the feeling better helps significantly.

P has had alot of struggles with work lately – they are pulling him in 50 directions, and its hard for him to stay centered. He is doing a bang up job; its just challenging to watch him working so long and hard – into the super late hours. Knowing his mind is filled with many projects and things. Perhaps he will get some good relaxation this weekend.

Its very interesting to me – a friend posted something …. conflicting to me, about political things. Perspectives are such a weird thing. Specifically Judo-christian vs Transgender. There is an appropriate analogy I’ve had for a long time, that in this day seems so much more vivid to me – that all of life, every action, reaction is a part of a pie. We generally are limited to our particular slice, but there is a whole rest of the pie to be explored.

I have to remind myself of this, when people do things I just can’t understand….. That there is some world, some perspective that for them, this is the only or best way.

Its hard to have grown up as a peacemaker. Its hard to truly believe the above, and try and reconcile it with the fact that this means there is a rationale for “most” things.

I’m not saying, that every action is pure. That ever belief is based upon rational or heart based feeling. I do believe that there is such a thing as insanity, and it skews the perspective or the ability to rational evolve to an opinion or belief. However, its not the common, and many of our “differences” are really just perspective from being on opposites sides of the pie.

We are human, can’t we just get along?

Its kinda made me, through out my life go back to the fundamentals of “is this something worth fighting for?” …. But along that same line, what I believe IS or ISN”T worth fighting for, is not the same as what someone else believes.

The beautiful, and disgusting thing about belief is … its individual, its neither right nor wrong, and it doesn’t have to be justified to be acceptable. It is however, extremely potent and powerful.

I believe there is a purpose in my rising at this dark hour, before the sun – yesterday I did get to see an amazing sunrise, so I suppose thats part of a driving force behind this belief.

I believe I am getting stronger and healthier – although sometimes it does NOT feel as if this is truth – sometimes, my mind tries to convince me that this belief can’t possible be valid. It doesn’t change the fact that this is what I believe.

I believe I am experiencing the challenges and obstacles I have for a reason – that my life has meaning, purpose and goals.

I will continue to hold these believes with every ounce of my being, with every breath, and every heartbeat.

Life is good.

This early morning – far too early in some parts of the world – including mine, this Billy Joel song is chasing thru my head. “You may be right”

I rose this morning, to the thought and motivation of coffee. Bliss in a cup. Mentioned to P that its “time” again for me to place an order for more beans – something that happens pretty frequently – because I love coffee.

This week has been wrought with many many ups and downs. So many blessings – too many to count – and so so many trials I wish they were few enough to give them a number.

First the struggles – second week after treatment is always difficult – body screaming “sleep more” – mind screaming “do more” – heart softly telling me “slow down, life is to be savored” — This “one” of the second week after treatments was particularly a struggle because of vaccine – and also due to infection return. — As if this were not enough of a challenge – it was also “rescan” week – something I’ve opted to call my “report card” …. MRI, CT, Bone scan….. Well, got back results on last two, and they are still showing no activity – they look from signs as “good” … will need to wait for MRI till late next week. This is the time when I keep telling my head “remain hopeful” – “remain hopeful” … sometimes I have to scream it, I am quite thick headed afterall “REMAIN HOPEFUL”

Then we can move onto the blessings. My doctors rock, calling me immediately after the scans to let me know the results was incredible. Calling me with results of my labs the day of the labs, also equally incredible.

I got beautiful videos of my niece – she is growing so fast.

I got an adorable picture of my nephew using his Christmas present – science kits.

We got a new president – which I suppose this is last weeks news, but something I will consider a blessing for a while – especially considering all the things he is doing – working already speedy within his first weeks of office.

P got cars fixed (again) maybe this time things will stop breaking as soon as it returns from the shop – darn cars, always like “oh, oh, we liked it there” …. its been an interesting year for cars so far, time will tell.

Supportive family that shuffle, shuffle, shuffle to my many appts.

Good Insurance.

Helpful people, likely overworked, in the medical field that go above and beyond to ensure that I am doing okay, and that they are treating me – and every other human being as the incredible person we are – even in the midst of all the safety, protection, extra sanitizing and overall rigors of this pandemic times we live in…..

The amazing food, tech and connection abilities we have even in the course of conditions. The ability to continue to be human, continue to have our needs exceeded, and the ability to share this with those that we love.

So I’ve been trying to do one of my “coping” mechanisms this week, and start thinking about my next “trip”…. while I know in my heart its alot further away than reasonable to plan – it still provides me some joy to reflect on past trips in order to engage in the future of planning forward.

This week has been filled with memories from my trip with my sister to London. The “what did I enjoy best” things, and the “what do I want to repeat things”… and also — where do we go to get all these things, and the new things too….

Her plan is to visit all the places where Cherry Blossoms bloom – my plan secretly – okay not so secretly – is to help facility for this plan as much as possible. By facilitation I should not lesson her plan or trip at all, just make it a tad easier, and help with some of the heavy planning/lifting. Traveling “with someone” is a little more easy/comfortable than “traveling solo” when you are a single woman. Not to mention I have an uncanny ability to find great hotels (thank you IHG) and good airfare. I’m a pretty savvy traveling companion to have – and I adore traveling with my sister – because she is so strong, so amazing, and incredible.

One of my favorite parts of our trip to London – was that she would go out exploring and adventuring — We would hook up at dinner and get to enjoy her retelling of her exploits for the day. It was the best Storytime experience for me….. someone sharing from the heart all the learning, loving, and living they were doing – particularly someone whose company I thrive in – and whose thoughts, and mind processes always enlighten me.

So the next trip will have a steep hill to climb to exceed that trip.

Here is hoping to my personal health – and the health of the world improving soon – to facilitate more amazing experiences.

The holy roman empire thought they were the end all be all of society. They thought they had all the answers, and would be the way of things ad infinitum. While we still utilize many of their concepts, ideals and values…. alot of their methodology is not suited for today.

There is part of me that feels like we are in that period again. The time for many things is gone. Holding on to the last dregs is just that.

What vision do we have for the world? I don’t know. I’m too busy healing my body, and finding a new vision for it.

Some of the movers and shakers have tried to solicit my view on this, have tried thru multiple sources, my general stance is GO AWAY – its time for pooh corner, its time for trips and visits to the hundred acre wood. It isn’t that the new is uninspiring – its very inspiring, but its it belongs in the hands – trusted hands of someone else.

Today I had the first of scans – always I work hard to schedule the MRI first, as it is the test that is the most scary and least pleasant to me. Always its never as scary or long as I set it up to be…. Somehow in my mind this is this all day anti-joy ride where I go and be trapped in someone elses world, with the need to hold still while they take internal pictures of my brain. Once again, it is never as long or as scary as it seems to be. Its a mental reframe I’m working very hard on doing. There are several aspects that make this reframe more difficult – the fact that its loud and bright – the fact that its actually 2 full scans that take 15-20 minutes each – as they scan without contrast first, then pump me filled with a chemical I’m not at all pleased to have coursing through my body to get a “light up picture” and do the full scan again. So its pretty long in terms of scans.

The folks are always kind, and always work to make things the best and fastest possible experience. I know how to hold still – so its usually 30 minutes end to end, as they are able to get what they need, do the things, and redo the thing and lam bam thank you mam (or man as in my case) I’m all done.

My mind however has this as Armageddon. Its always quite certain this will be “the big one louisy” – as quoted by Mr. Jefferson. It was nice to have Phil for this one today – or before it, as his presence works as a safe rock of calm in my world, he also helps with these reframes fairly well too.

Tomorrow is scan day number two with CT & Bone scans – both with and without contrast – darn doctors with their needs for pretty colored pictures.

I try and get these as few a year as I can but still comply with requirements for my treatments – it seems to work out for 4 times a year.

Tomorrow is alot less scary, alot less intimidating and overall faster and slower – because the bone contrast requires me to “wait” for 3 hours after injection to “get it done”

Maybe they will show things for the surgeon to fix the — “its back…..” staph infection that is recurring again – its never reassuring when a surgeon tells you “welp I got most of the stich but I was expecting it to be this long (holds hands out about 6 inches) and the stitch part was only this long (holds out about 4 inches) …. I dug and dug around, but the other piece was MIA, so I had to seal you up and hope for the best” …. No no, the best would be to never have had this problem to begin with – and certain to have caught it years ago…. but second or myabe evfen third best would have been to get the whole darn thing at the surgery that I’m … well I recovered okay so clearly not to bad off to have had …. but no no, we are going for broke and hoping we can have another surgery down the road when a scan shows where the remaining part of the stitch is? — wow.

I feel like I have blogged about this before, so I think thats all I have to say, as its evident there is still some pent up confusion around this entire process, and my gut is super super tired of more antibiotics, but thats the way of things today.

Lots and lots of tired, from so many “things” … but sleep has been good, and helpful and very restful. World seems to be getting more and less crazy so here is hoping for balance in all things.

I am thankful for life. I am blessed for the incredible people in my life. I am blessed for the things like beautiful weathers – even when I curse the cedars for spunking all over the place and driving my head insane. I am blessed and grateful for so many new experiences, and the chance to talk and engage over the old. I am blessed for new nieces, and opportunities soon to see more family.

Sometimes my brain self sabotages. Okay, yes thats a thing, and its not as much sometimes as often. This is one of the infinite cosmic powers it possesses. Its trained to be a balance, to help me from working too hard on something.

That being said, as I’ve grown older – perhaps wiser or atleast thats the goal – the tool or trick is to recognize, and to gentle guide it back into the light of no doubt.

Its rather amusing to me the power of faith. Nearly anything is possible with enough faith and believe in the power to accomplish the thing. The brain is the magical cosmic tool to prevent things from occuring by attempting to convince you that they aren’t possible.

Its a crafty one, the brain, sometimes it uses stealthy methods – often. Things you don’t recognize as necessarily direct sabotage, often they even seem to be quite enjoyable or quite helpful….. but then suddenly I find myself off the goal path, and in the field of poppies.

In my personal experience I have found that my brain will use all my best powers of subtredge – and I’ve gotten pretty good with these in my 40+ years to “mask” or “shroud” the direction of the thoughts – so to be quite pleasurable; until they are so far from the goal as to suddenly be obvious.

My job of late has been to be completely healing my body. My brain has been finding me underhanded methods of trying to convince me this isn’t possible. Ways of little bread crumbs into giving up. I am more than one part of me – my brain is one part, and it doesn’t get to make the decision to give up. It can make the decision to get on board with all the rest of the little children or it can make the decision to be quiet and be still. No longer will I willingly allow it to derail my progress by pulling us off into tangents of contemplation or pathways of activity that don’t work towards the goal or path.

I can do this. It is possible to heal my body, it is possible to be whole and strong. While I have in my years gotten older, it is apparently quite possible to live healthy strong and happy to 99 – or atleast thats the example of one of my heroines, Betty White – whom Phil pointed out to me really is older than conventionally created sliced bread. I believe, and my faith is strong.

There are alot of things going on inside my body right now. The mickey mouse sorceress apprentice is strong with this one. The brooms are coming and going so fast with all the water, sometimes its easy to forget that I control them and that sometimes slower is not only better its more effective. It just still doesn’t necessarily feel best.

One of the little “tells” I have found about myself – when I get into “stress” mode – which is apparently how I have been for much of my life …. my “showers” – you know the times you go to get clean under warm water with soap – are ridiculously fast.

I have always found it odd … well more correctly stated, I had never really had a perspective of understanding in the past… that people were able to relish or take long showers on the regular.

As I have found relaxed mode… as I have become one with recognizing time as salt-water taffy (digression for another blog) — I was sorta amused at myself for taking a long luxurious (as I considered it in the past) shower. Meaning one longer than 7-8 minutes….. I don’t actually know how long I took in the shower, but I do know it was a 5 song shower. With the average song length around 3 minutes, thats 15 minutes or double my normal time.

The amusing part to me, is that I didn’t do anything different. My hygiene routine was precisely the same. Somehow relaxed mode is just less cognizant of “hurry” and therefore enjoying the moment more. I can’t say it was a “better” shower or a “best” shower – it wasn’t really either. It was just a shower, but it was absolutely more relaxed. It left me with a feeling of clean – not that stress showers don’t, but peter and paul were left un robbed and unpaid. Mostly just different.

Being able to see the pleasant ness of the change in perspective is growing for me, but its not growing at weed speed, more at fruit tree speed. It makes sense to me that I’m a fruit, this is something I’ve always known. Tangy, fresh, sweet, sour, and overall somewhat nourishing in an odd eclectic way… thats me.

Today is a good day, all be it way too early – I’m certain that sleep will bribe me to come back to enjoy it again soon.

We had snow yesterday! Wasn’t just a light flurry after dark that litered the ground with white …. this was a full on “blizzard” for us…. here in Austin.

I remember when I stayed with my great aunt outside of DC – snow days…. when I could not believe it was “raining snow” … have this amazing memories of just sitting and watching it come down and stick to the trees and litter the ground… it was so amazing.

This was one of those days yesterday – it snowed the majority of the day…. It never quite lost its uniqueness – its amazing beauty. Thank you Universe for providing such a beautiful thing.

P video taped, and flew his drone and got some amazing video of the snow…. it wasn’t subtle, or was it light – it was literally like so many of our rains, but in icey flake fashion. My trees, the yard, the houses, the streets all look beautiful – even the next day as it “tries” to melt it off… but its quite a few inches to melt, and its just not quite getting warm enough to do it.

The extreme of this – the just bliss of this rare pleasure, this ability to enjoy and smile — while knowing its unlikely to linger long.

Starbuck does NOT enjoy the snow – well I should be more specific – something about pooping with cold wet stuff touching your bum does NOT appeal to him in the slightest – he found the one spot in our yard — where the gutters hang over, where he could poop in peace from this white cold covering up all his smell spots. He did enjoy watching it, and the crunch his paws made in the powder.

They called me from the place I go for appts Mon/Fri – to let me know they would be closed today… it was so sweet to be able to share this joy with one of my nurses, to thank her for the call, and to wish her a great snow day.

While there are parts of the country covered in this stuff for much of the year – and while they get it at a regular frequency – its such a unique thing for here that its relish able and savored like many fleeting pleasures.

Again I feel this is the balance for all the things that have been weighing so heavy on my heart. This is a hard time to be alive – yet I wouldn’t have it any other way. The hard things are the ones that teach you the strength you have within, and how to grow to be a better person. It is however, super uplifting when the universe sends you a reminder that its not all hard – that some days, are meant for just listening to the wind, and watching the snow fall on the ground.

Thank you universe for helping restore my faith that it won’t be be here forever, and that all things much change.

There are a few things heavy on my head of late. They have been around the past few months and after multiple reframes – some more successful than others – I feel its time to give a shout out to them and let them go.

This is not the first nor will it be the last time that a global but decides to grace us with its presence. Bugs – specifically virus’s are smart. Read an interesting commentary recently – and I would like to take a brief moment to shout out at how happy I am at being able to read …. even if it is in very small amounts… the chemo brain is bad, but being able to read enough to take in some intelligent commentary is such a blessing. I digress.

I read an interesting commentary that we “judge” the “smart” of a creature against our own abilities, not against its own abilities. This is an extremely understandable, and short sighted value system. It would be like judging a story based solely upon whether it had exactly what you needed, instead of what it has …. using this judgement system I would NEVER EVER consider the home depot to be valuable.

The commentary was based upon animals, and our assessment of how “intelligent” they are based upon their ability or inability to complete tasks we complete. I feel it would be better to call this judgement “how human they are…” vs “how intelligent they are” but getting this value system changed is definitely beyond my abilities, and probably beyond the scope of this society.

Virus’s are smart. This one is especially smart. They are also incredible impatient. This is a good thing, it means our vigilance is on our side. Our tendency to be lackadaisical is however, not.

Washing hands frequently is one of those things I have often considered my tendency to be OCD. In light of this current environment, perhaps it is less OCD and more unconsciously cognizant of the existence of smart entities that are unable to survive in water combined with the use of specifically targeting soaps. This opens up another whole can of worms – or thought — are these and the other smart bugs out there able to survive in water with specifically targeted soaps? Is it like swimming in shark infested waters? Sure it can be done, but why risk the potential endangerment.

My fear is that their intelligence will eventually develop “tools” to overcome these minor feeble protections we have at present.

The vaccines that are available are somewhat about making “us” a less viable source of food — right now, our bodies look like a duffs or some other brand of all you can eat buffet to these bugs.

As a society we have de nutrient ourselves, and our food supply to the point of critical mass. We have stuffed ourselves full of goodies that are nutritionally defunct that we call food, but really is just not. We have for all intent and purposes over the past 50 years changed the definition of “food” — its more now with “what we put in our mouths” rather than “what value this provides”

Our bodies are filled with bugs. Science has recently identified that roughly 90% of our bodies are NOT our DNA but rather a synergistic biome of bugs providing for our existence. These are also smart bugs. We are like Santa to them — we drop presents or coal down the chimney on the daily …. maybe their days are not the same as ours? Another interesting spiderweb there. We either help them thrive or we help them die. They in turn help us be stronger or weaker and more able to fight off the virus’s that could possible be invading our fleshy body.

These vaccines to this latest smart bug are targeting the RNA – the part of the 10% …. What if the concept changed and we were more cognizant of the 90% and we targeted THEM to be in charge of removing this invader… we supply weapons to the “home grown” and let them take care of us…. as they have always/often done. When you eat something bad, or when your body is subjected to something “not good” its not really your DNA that goes in to fight off the bug…. Its the signals you send, that call in the troops to battle that invasion….. why not just support them better to help them be stronger to be better prepared to handle these invasions. I’m not smart enough to answer this question or thought.

Last year, before the election even started – all though there is an argument that it started more like 4 years ago after the last one was won…. and that everything accomplished or done over the past 4 years has been nothing more than driving to this point. I made a comment that it wasn’t about the person, it was about “whom” was trusted to protect your life, liberty and pursuit of happiness.

There is was no doubt in my mind that this wasn’t 45 at the time, when I made this comment. There is extreme sadness in my heart over the people I have always considered wise, to be unable to see that not only is MY life, MY liberty and MY pursuit of happiness unable to be protected by a mad man, but our society as a whole is not only being undermined – he is directly impacting the lives, liberty and pursuit of happiness of those I care about, and need protected – all in the name of some financial socialist objective that will become clearer in years from mow. I never expected to see a second Hitler in my lifetime. Now that has changed, and I’d like to see a different outcome than my grandfathers fought against another country to eliminate. There is no rational excuse or reasoning I will ever understand for inciting violence in defense of power, that is not the basis for our country, our country was founded on precisely the opposite of this concept. Power in defense of life, power in defense of liberty and power in defense of happiness — I suppose one humans vision of happiness could be to incite civil war.

Maybe we need to have the TSA protecting our government buildings – I remember two decades ago when I went to visit the capital building – how my nail clippers were confiscated at the detectors for the building. How in those two decades has security at our national buildings been so compromised? Oh wait, 45 is in charge of national security – he has an agenda for civil war clearly, I wonder if the other humans — the ones misguided into supporting him see him for the self serving individual he is…. The one that has declared bankruptcy more times than I have fingers, and is still given loans to start some other guaranteed to fail business endeavor. … but this is the man that has created the cult to follow him….. I think thats what you call a group of people who without rational thought to implications or intentions follow a leader blindly down a path paved with intentions into hell.

There is always the possibility that I’m wrong. There is always the possibility that my thoughts are short sided, or driven by a desire for equality and safety …. and above all preservation of my life, liberty and pursuit of happiness. This is a year I’m sad to be an American. It doesn’t represent what has been fought for more than 200 years. I guess that’s what happens when we leave a failed business man selling us snake oil in charge of our highest office for four years. He will use his failed skills to destroy a nation.

I guess I’ve taken my “non political” views to a whole new level of opinionated. These are just thoughts that refuse to be silent in my head.

My hope that someone will take away his microphone and throw him out of our town, so I can go back to focusing on healing.

The things going on in my own body seem to be somewhat a reflection of this macrocosm of the country . More thoughts on this later when the picture of how it parallels becomes more clear.

It has been exceptionally hard to heal this week, but I’m still fighting, I’m still keeping my body whole – using the intelligence that lives within me and without me to work down to the cells and have a “come to life” conversation. Cancer is a mutation of the 10% — overall in my body its a small portion that I just need to straighten up and fly right.

The weather has turned exceptionally cold – we have a possibility this next week of snow – its so rare as to have the little girl part of me jumping for joy. A friend mentioned she would send me snow angel pictures if it snowed. It made me laugh and smile at the thought, and I realized I don’t’ think I’ve ever made snow angels before…. maybe this is an experience I can take joy in …. if we get to be graced with snow.

There is an old adage about history repeating itself – I’ve always felt a kinship to this adage, but I don’t recall in my life feeling so so close to it as I do now.

Because of all the online searches, and the nature of online hunting for things, I’m going to use a little subterfuge in this typing – but it will be pretty apparent what I’m saying.

There was a guy back in the 1930s that talked about nationalism. He spouted all kinds of good things that the people that were working hard wanted to hear. He had a vision, he had a plan. Mostly he wanted to be “praised and be on top” and to take care of what he saw as the problem, while making himself shine. He wrote a book about it.

Then there was a group of people that supported his vision, they shared “the same ethnicity” – they killed tons of people and insighted violence to reach their agenda. They used gangster and mob scare tactics all in the support of the national agenda to make their country great. They killed many many people that stood in the way of that agenda, in the name of them being “the bad guys”.

It was a horrendous time in history. Their entire country and the entire regime is something used to frighten school children with the woes of a man on a mission that is self serving.

We have a man now in our country that is this same way. He has a plan, he has a vision, he is insighting people by the nature of nationalism. While its respectively in its infancy, his supporters are unsurprisingly of a unified ethnicity. They are already killing and promoting mob tactics.

It was such a scary and horrendous period of history, its hard to believe it would manifest again in such a direct parallel. Yesterday was hard.

In my life, I feel there have been very few days where I was sad to be an american. Yesterday I was embarrassed, angry, and incredible sad to be an american. It was a day of watching history unfold before my eyes in a striking parallel that is undeniable.

I remember thinking, when I was young, and I learned about the events from the time period of the former bad guy, and thinking – not during my lifetime – that I would be a superwoman, that I would stand up to his tyranny — that I would NEVER let that happen.

I remember thinking yesterday how powerless I felt, how I felt unable to do or say anything about it. How all the citizens that were not part of the gangster mob must have felt during those times, during the 30s.

I wish I had a solution. Its very troubling.

There is another thing that is troubling to me – these “new” vaccines – that everyone is rushing to get as fast as they can…..

The circumstances of the past year …. and this new “treatment” are basically the opening cut scene storyline of about 5-6 zombie storylines verbatim of games I’ve played. There is some horrible pandemic, some giant medical corporation rushes to “save” the world… and ends up creating a mass death and tragedy that brings about the zombie apocalypses. And then you enter the game, and you run thru cities, hospitals and clinics where zombies have taken over to “save the world” by eliminating the vaccine. ….. So yeah, I’m a little nervous about the vaccine.

Overall, life is the weirdest, chaotic, and odd that it has been in decades. However, its beautiful. My great aunt sent me a holiday card, which arrived late yesterday – with the most adorable puppies gracing both the front and the inside. She wrote a hand written message inside the card. She is an incredible woman, and this was a heartfelt wish for an incredible year.

There are things that are important. Hugs, love, reaching out to help a friend with something. These go on even when the world is in a state.

Yesterday, I got to have conversations with a couple of my “non american” friends…. trying to explain conditions is not possible, there just isn’t an explanation that makes sense to me – so trying to rationalize for someone else not so intimately touched is just not reasonable.

I made Chai. I cooked jalapeno poppers. I gamed. I breathed, I hugged P and Starbuck. I found things to laugh about and….

In the words of the great Scarlett O’hara – …. Tomorrow is another day.

Yesterday I slept for twelve hours, and it was glorious. The only downside for sleeping so long, is the fact that the day is shorter, and going to bed at your normal time feels too early. Because of this, we stayed up a wee bit later, and so this morning I am suffering, a tad for less sleep. I could go back to bed, I could take a nap, but then this getting out of routine would slide further and further away from me – and the routine of sleep is important right now.

P has been cooking up a storm – we had the most amazing sautéed cabbage last night – this is something he has gotten to cooking on the regular and its so so yummy. Just a little butter, onions, salt and pepper and it makes the most delicious dish.

Today I’m supposed to make chai and cook his poppers – and I’m find myself bogged down with sleepy and the cedar trees coming to invade my sinus’s…. Every year here in Texas there is this time, when the cedars decide to “come play” with the air…. and my sinus’s call “uncle” they are out….. Its the best time of year for travel….

I think I have decided that we are staying in this house, just gotta do some of the projects here that will make it be more perfect for us. Its a slow and steady project. It will require getting plans drawn up, and finding “that right” contractor … we have had a couple of “not the one” guys in the past, and our projects haven’t exactly turned out as intended.

This week, I intentionally have three days “off” from all doc appts, and it feels glorious to be able to just chill and relax. There are so many obligations in my dance card. Had a little bit of a “thing” after my chiro appt on monday, sufficed to say that one will be off the list for a bit. While its helpful, three confirmations to put it on hold are enough for me to fully listen.

Had a thing happen in my game last night that just made me crushing sad. Was doing a new dungeon, that I had queued to do with strangers for twenty minutes. I got lost, and the rest of the “team” had done this dungeon many times before, so rather than help me get “found” they chose to “boot me” from the dungeon. Was the first time that has happened in years, and it felt … well very bad. But friend to the rescue, when I mentioned it to a friend, he immediately put us in the queue again, and took me on an escorted tour of this new dungeon…. protecting me from a repeat experience again. Life is better with friends. Particularly ones that understand the drama that is your life, and circumstances. It was a hugely positive thing, and helped return me to some semblance of great. While I know I shouldn’t take these things so harshly, its hard to have “been” in one place, and now to “be” in another…. I’m learning.

Have had alot of revelation type talks with P lately … realizing that feeling I get when I make chai or when I bake…. its not exactly comfort but its some feeling of being closer to my Grandmother A… whenever I visited her… and probably in my entire life was less than 15 times. I would always get that feeling of being safe, of being loved, of being cared for…. and she would always be cooking something in the kitchen. This feeling, culmination was the revelation from last night, that my nostalgia for those experiences is what I feel when I cook.

Here is hoping that 2021 is filled with so many fabulous experiences, and so many things to build incredible memories that it shines bright in this decade of gratitude. I’m grateful for having a new year to experience, and having my life filled with incredible people.

So I had my first nightmare of the new year – I don’t’ know if this is a good thing or a bad thing, but it is definitely a thing – waking up at 1:30 from a weird dream. Definitely a case of what you ask for you get … I’ve been asking for the source of certain patterns in my life – and I am fairly certain this showed me where they have originated.

We got to do some family gaming – using remote software to its fullest last evening. Was so great to be able to see and play with everyone from a distance safe environment. This was a more comfortable thing for some than others, but it was just super fun all the way around. Didn’t realize how much I was missing this family time.

The clouds this morning – when P and I went out for our morning routine – it was this amazingly blue sky with a tinge of grey…. but over the course of our drive, it looked almost as if the universe had pulled up this blanket of grey rain clouds over the blue. By the time we reached back home, the entire sky was suddenly all grey and rainy looking ominous for a day of rain just like yesterday.

Lake McNeely in our backyard is growing beyond the boundaries as usual this time of year. Starbuck decided to go “play” in this lake yesterday – until he realized it was in the 30s and he was freezing. Time to schedule his next grooming appt, also it was rather interesting to see him enjoy being dried hurriedly with the towel, he was quite appreciative. He was also surprisingly calm during the multitude of fireworks action last evening – barking at first through the first slow random intervals, and then it was as if he suddenly realized what all the racket was about, and it was authorized. Dogs are amusing in some things.

I wore a jacket today that I haven’t worn in a few years – its one of my things that I feel clothes should be worn – if they don’t get into the rotation probably they belong to someone else and I just haven’t set them free yet. So I wore this jacket, and it was so neat, it has a really cool flair to it that is very flattering, mostly I wore this one thru necessity – getting distracted from finishing my laundry yesterday where I washed, but failed to remember to dry my normal hoodie – because it got soaking wet when I decided it was paramount to walk up the mailbox, and the rain decided to laugh at me halfway thru my journey.

P mentioned to me about a lady complaining on our community blog areas about someone “farting” in her mail box…. My first thought about this was “how does she have a mailbox” … we have had a community “mail kiosk thing” the entire time in this house – close to 20 years, and I’d really pay money to have a standalone “real” mailbox. Like Post office, please put a mailbox at my house, and stop my mail carrier from deciding to send me to the real post office every few weeks, because they can’t cram anymore advertisements into the box….

So its a new year. When I reflect back, last year was … well it was tremendously chaotic, however it was also extremely educational. I learned so much, as did most all of the folks around me. It has been one of the most educational years for so many people in my circles in decades. While not all education has been pleasant, the positives very much out weigh the negatives, so overall it was a “good” year. Here is hoping that 2021 is a tad less chaotic but just as good as the last.

There are these new vaccines for this invader, and I’m really on the fence about them. They have been pushed thru with so so little indepth review, its really hard to say if they will be nearly as good as they indicate. My chemo, the one I’ve been taking for more than a year – it was in R&D for more than 15 months. But these two new vaccines, they have had less than a few months to be developed, and tested…. and it scares the begesus out of me to be surrounded by people that have taken them. It seems like alot of the opening scenes of the zombie games or movies I’ve seen. “there is this virus…. then a vaccine…. then the zombie apocalypse” …. I just don’t know. One thing is for certain, I’ll need to go fetch a shot gun if it turns out its the zombie apocalypse.

So many things to explore, so many things to learn, so many things to hope for and do…… a whole new year to explore them. Blessings here there and everywhere, and so many things to be thankful for… thank you universe for giving me an amazing year and an amazing group of people with whom to share it.