Everyday, I learn something new about myself.

I started this Radical Remission workshop/lecture thing. Its based upon the research and book by Kelly Turner. I was first introduced to this information in a documentary series from Netflix – I think it was called “heal” – they did an interview with her, and she covered her research – she worked with 1500 patients that had recovered from cancer … gone into “Radical Remission” – and she found trends – or rather 10- overlying things that they did – not everyone of them did all ten – but all of them did most of the things, and many of them did all of them. — This seemed like a list that was valuable to me – so I remember screenshotting the TV and keeping the list.

At the time, it was a pat on the back thing for me, because I was doing the majority of the things. It also was a bit eye opening, because I recognized a couple of things on the list that I felt I NEEDED to do, but was struggling with doing.

One of those things was having a pervasive reason for living. This may sound strange coming out of my mouth – I LOVE LIFE – everything about it. I do not chose to die. I’m not afraid to die, I know it will come for me eventually (Post Age 87) – and I do not fear what happens after death. But not wanting to die, is not the same as needing to live. While I “Want” to live, I have been struggling with what I NEED to do that makes me Need to live. — I mean I don’t have the – what I’m somewhat egotistically/little kid like – calling the easy path – I don’t have children. I don’t have another soul that is fruit of my loins that I must provide, care and support with my life essence making an easy no brainer “Need” — I have a loving husband – who sometimes I know might have an easier road without me. I have a loving dog, who also has my husband. I have a truly loving family and a very good circle of friends – all of whom I love and cherish – but I also know they are strong, and would be fine with or without me. This was not a need to live type of thing.

So while I recognized more than a year – closer to two years ago that this was something important, I have been struggling. So much so that I basically said “Fuck it” – lets just do the things we feel are most important, and let the reason come to us. You can’t really “think” yourself into a reason you need to live, you have to live it.

What this lecture series yesterday showed me, somehow was like a lightbulb in my head inspirational moment – thru its exercise on this step — It showed me that I’ve been doing this. Let me go back.

They did an exercise last night, where we had first Step A – if you were in optimal health and had 10 billion dollars – what would you be doing, where you would you be living, how would you be spending your time, with family/friends/loved ones – what would be bringing you joy.

This was an easy one for me, I wrote on and on filling quickly three business cards with details.

Step B – if you knew you would die suddenly in 1.5 years, you are in strong health now.

This one was also an easy one for me, I realized thats precisely what I have been doing for the past two years.

Step C – overlap the two. — This is where my moment of realization came from. — I realized that the one thing I have been “not” doing – and there are many valid and good reasons for this — but I realized that writing/blogging is the only thing between the two that I haven’t been doing. All of the heart of Step A I have been doing and I suddenly realized, while I don’t consider this of the 10 things on a “Done” thing – I do consider it to be more done than I’d realized. It was a moment of pure joy.

I have had some amazing experiences with my family and friends over the past two years – all of them because I felt strongly I needed to do them, and I made them happen.

I went on a two week vacation with my brother. I got to see a friends new home – he moved from California to Washington – from a suburban in the heart of the city place, to a country type area, with deer and nature in the back. It was a very different environment and I got to experience it. I got to ride with my brother driving a convertible thru the mountains, over the hot land, and generally tooling around. I got to see him relax, and experience a vacation.

I got to reconnect with my sister in florida, she came to visit and we got to spend time learning how each of us had evolved in our lives. It deepened our bond and made her feel like a real sister, instead of the distant step sister she has felt like since I was a teenager.

I got to reconnect with my Uncle and his family when they came out to visit. We got to spend time with them, and share Texas with them. It was a short visit, I was not super strong, we didn’t get to spend much time, but the time was quality and enjoyable.

I got to spend quality time with April and enjoy a Ren Fair – I haven’t done that in years, and its something I truly enjoy getting lost in the moment and exploring all the other people who are also there for the experience. April also made sure I got to spend alot of time with my nephew who I adore – and watch him learn and grow and experience life for the first time. We went to the park, I got to watch him interact, and she helped me get some of the physical activity I need badly. She turned me onto some healthier juices and things that are great for me, that are tricky for me.

I got to plan, and take an international trip to London with my younger sister. It was her first international trip, I got to be there, I got to see it. It was over my birthday, we shared that alone together, and made some incredible memories. I got to watch her explore, and adventure and love the city she wanted to visit on her own. My health was not very strong at this moment, and I had to by necessity take alot of downtime- more than I would in an ideal world take – I feel that some day I’ll get to have this type of experience again with her, perhaps with me in a condition to walk to the Prime Meridian instead of just getting to hear of her grand adventures.

I got to take a vacation with my mom – with my Uncle, and Aunt, and my brother to the Keys – a place I have always wanted to go but never really felt comfortable going to – from bad experiences in the Everglades in my younger driving years. My uncle loves the keys, and he got to share them with me. My health was particularly off – this was before the first radiation and the cancer in my head was making me so overwhelmingly tired, I missed out on some of the amazing adventures they had – but I was super happy to be there, and be able to share, and my family were together, and having a grand adventure and THIS is what my life needs are about. Enabling for other people to do the things that fill their heart. This is what fills my heart. I don’t always have to be there, but I have to know that rather than take a piece off of someones heart, someone’s dream I have somehow mended a piece they didn’t know was broken or bent. My uncle did a few driving tours, its almost like he knew I needed to be more a part but wasn’t really able. I did take sometime to enjoy the amazing views – they found this place to stay that was just fricken incredible. it has views on both sides, plenty of room to accomodate all of the adults, and an amazing view of the ocean.

I took another trip to Spokane to visit my friend, and bonded with his parents, got to explore Couer De Arlene, ID – a place Had very very very very low on my bucket list – my bucket list is thousands of places long, and while this was on there, it was very very remote – when I was working for the Gas industry company – I worked with a client/that was based in this city, you work with techs and owners for many remote companies, but these folks were amazing and incredible people. They were inspirational – even in horrible conditions, and I wanted to know why – how this area could drive that. After this visit with these little visits to see things, I can understand that now. Its an amazing place – we did a boat ride thing, and it was incredible. I took pictures and videos.

I did a Family Thanksgiving and had a Chef cater it 🙂 = this is something I’ve always wanted to do, and I found this amazing opportunity to get this incredible Chef that prepped everything and brought a hot wonderful meal to my house, so all I had to do was spend time with family and friends and enjoy the day – enjoy the experiences. While many of my family weren’t able to attend, it was a marvelous day of sharing and spreading joy and love.

I took my Family on a limo ride to see christmas lights. I’ve always wanted to go ride around and see the lights, to see them where we could all admire them, not have to have one person driving – or be squished. My mom had never ridden in a limo so this was an experience for her – we all got the opportunity to dress up and to share. We indulged in all the holiday treats – something I’d been avoiding for so long it was an incredible experience and made wonderful memories.

All of these things – And So so so so , many more – all of them were me working on the things that I need to do before I’m willing to leave this earth. I’m not done, I’m just getting started. I just didn’t’ realize until last night, that the important component that I was missing was writing or blogging about them. When I went to India, and I blogged from my heart about my experiences, the big ones and the small ones, and how they made me feel, how I felt in the moment, what I learned, and what I have as take aways – this is what I need to do. I need to write and feel these things, and I need to share them. The sharing them is what I Need to be doing. This is my purpose.

Feels good to realize that my higher self already knew these things, and has been trying to guide me to this information for quite a while.

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