Today I asked P if he thought this was what alzheimer’s was like – where I know there is a piece of information that I am / want to access, and I know its in my head, but the damn thing might as well be locked behind fortknox – the good one, where no one ever goes in, no one ever goes out.
Many things, useless and valuable things are locked up right now for me, its like playing pictionary sometimes, when I can get enough sidebar to play and use it to help – with the loving attentions of the people who care for me. Let me qualify this – there have always been a few things that I just have blind spots for in my head — I’ve never been a name dropper, especially people who believe they are famous because they are able to carry a toon, display an emotion that everyone can understand or appreciate, or elicit an emotion – those people are just human like the rest of us, and I have a hard enough time remembering my bosses, my coworkers, and the people who work in my life to enhance and make it easier – thank you Efrim for running an incredible starbucks and teaching a whole generation of starbucks employees to be worthy enough to hold memory for names in my head. Names get into my memory when the person goes above and beyond as a human being, and shows that they are worth of my precious memory – not before – I suppose I also remember the horrendous ones, as an example of what never to be or do.
These days, this – what was once kinda just one area, where I could pull enough reference things to get someone else who values these names, to come up with this information that society values, but I don’t – now its much more – many of the things that I DO VALUE – that I need, that I want, they just aren’t there at the moment I need them – sometimes just not really there at all period.
Moments have to be repeated. Like when I ask the question XYZ – and five minutes later – sometimes I remember asking the question, often not, and I ask it again – like the merry go round of my brain. The answer is usually important for some tangible reason, and usually its not terrible to be asking it again, just mildly annoying I’m sure. Feels like the little kid going “why, but Why” but Why? – except its not a why question, and I’m not asking to hear the answer again or to enjoy the quality of the voice of the speaker, I’m asking because it was important and it just didn’t stick in my brain.
I’m trying to appreciate the fact that most of the things just don’t matter, the goal is to keep swimming. Most of the things will heal themselves – as it is what is commonly referred to as “chemo brain” coupled with so many other factors and things that I strongly believe are temporary. I have had these experiences before, much like a storm on the beach – I know that they will pass, and that they will resolve themselves, and while there maybe damage, its likely to be short lived, and there will be more or different brain cells for me to teach to do these things, patterns to help me, I am a smart and capable woman. Just have to stop shooting the messenger right now when its so confounded frustrating that I just can’t get that word of the name of the thing that I’m trying to order because its almost out – and I could just go fetch the bottle – but I read the bottle – out loud just before I came out to search and order it. This too shall pass, Alethia, this too shall pass.
Texas has the best things, and the worst things – Allergies. Please seasons, come to the next the “non Allergy season” so my sinus’s will stop trying to stage a revolt and pound in my head. This is one of my pains during isolation, no Acupuncture, no help/relief for this torture.
So many things to be grateful for in this decade of gratitude. Mostly I’ll be extremely grateful for all the learning that people are experiencing and having right now during this time. Its like we all magically get to go to the best school in the world for a brief period and just learn – at our own pace, thru our own baggage and experience a different sort of life- a part of me is so grateful and thankful that everyone is getting to have this experience – its the one I’ve been learning thru since 2016 with cancer, and its the one that most people with cancer experience, as well as most retirees that become less mobile, or aged relatives that are no longer to actively participate in the societal trials of life – they just get to experience the trials of basic necessities. Its a good thing, from a cultural diversity experiment for everyone to have a little personal experience with this, to help build a better, stronger world, and overall potentially a happier society.
I am grateful that we still have electric, water, sewer removal, trash removal and hell we even still have starbucks and delivery. Decade of Gratitude rocks!
I am so thankful for my family, for their staying strong. Its going to be an exciting year for us all. I’m happy to be making positive verifiable progress along my journey. Its overall inspiring.
P took his vacation, and although we didn’t get to take the trip we had planned, the staycation has been amazing. We have another week, and we are enjoying each others company, and getting some projects done together, just great times to be had.
Its kind of a funny thing, I said to the universe last year, when I returned from my trip to Spokane that I really needed a way to get the vitality for life out of something within my home and homebody experiences. I have been struggling with this, and I was longing for the escape that the Oregon trip – I’m kinda an odd lazy about these things, because suddenly when I had a trip on the horizon it was like “oh we can work on this “how to do thing later when the trip is over. The universe said to me “nah” that aint how this works sister – you set out an intention – lets see if we can make this happen for you — I mean, I didnt mean to cause the spanish inquisition, but hrmmmm I did set an intention – my bad – guess I’ll have to get this resolution to my stir craziness – my finding peace in the harmony of my home. Learning all around.