so its been a week – I fell last friday geting out of the car, tripped on my bag – it would be less bothersome if it hadn’t happened a few months back. Gotta try and not rush – and to focus.

Because of my knowledge on “how to fall” I didn’t break or tear most things – didn’t fall on my head just bruised my chest and ribs way under the skin.

After many attempts at finding things to help I’m settling for finding things to let it heal faster.

Also focusing on being kind to myself and remembering accidents happen and this could have been so so much worse.

Luckily it was at my house and mom was there to help me up. got an amazing surprise today – dad sent me some yellow roses. The house just looks more amazing.

i have found with all the bruising sleeping in my recliner actually seems not a horrible thing since its easier to get out of i just have to remember to move.

Had milestone this week – new niece turned one. P turns 51 Saturday so its a milestone weeek – next will be the same.

So much is happening over so little time. I guess it isn’t really so little time just going so fast – lightening speed. Soon we will have another year.

Life is good.

One of the songs in my teenage years that was always a comfort but also felt like it was a shadowing at the time was the Circle in the Sand song. Literally I could see the intent and meaning – but figuratively it just applies so much to me.

We rush around and circle, and it is all going to wash away anyway. But its important – the sand is important and the circle. But gosh sometimes feels like alot more work.

Its a time of the year for so so many happy milestones. Looking forward to enjoying all of them.

Somewhat have thoughts of a path to put a harness on progression things. We will see if it has as many twists and turns as I expect, but for today its motion.

Some days are better than others. I like the adage my sister turned me onto of “bones or no bones day” as a way to describe if its a day of activation energy or a day for extra time in the sheets. So much about conditions now make the extra sleep time not possible, but by gosh no bones days ae much harder out of bed lol.

Overall life is good.

This year has been incredible fast. The past few to be honest. Since life has been so fluxuating it is making the time just blink past. There are so many exciting things on the horizon. The well one pulls from for reserve energy for me is getting to the bottom. The mud is clearly indicating that there is a bottom – something I didn’t believe or think possible.

the most recent medical tests were not as favorable as I’d liked. This wasn’t unexpected news just not uplifting. They were a mixed bag at best. The largest concern is the significant new brain tumor. How we will address these things and the courses we will be persuing is still up the air at this time but there are alot of … poopy options.

When I write here its to tell myself there is always hope. There is a plan which I decide and a course we steer the boat to get to the wonderful milestones on the horizon. Sometimes its a challenge for me to remember the hope. When I skip a bit of time its just so I can remember the hope and perspective and have a negotiation with myself about how to reframe some things into my own happy place thought. Sometimes this is fast – often its fast – but sometimes life challenges make it an epic tale for the reframe and I call about the universe and my circle of happy resources to help me with this knowledge.

Coffee is good, life is good – all be it a struggle but one totally worth experiencing over and over. Looking forward to my neice first birthday in a couple weeks <3

Lots to be reminded i’m blessed about and with. Lots of happy things on the near horizon.

Life is good.

This is a time in society when so so many and much of us have struggles with activation energy. There are so so many reasons for this, but my little girl is just upset. She loves fruity pebbles, but its like “thats it? ” — she is frustrated.

A frustrated five year old is not the way.

P and I have been having some really good conversations. The pathways and filters his five year old uses have always been very different, but I’m finally able to see how they are parallel not perpendicular in their approach, and this has helped.

Got scans back from last week – and they were a mixed bag. Trying not to focus on the “wow what the hell is this” part and stay focused on the “that is good. Got my labs back from yesterday and its just well, its easy to get sad.

Taking some time to focus on the things that make me relax and happy. This is going to be a super busy next two years, alot of milestones. Have a new sister to share in the family.

Its the funniest thing to me how amazing this expresso tastes, how I can now make my own “dirty chai” and its just so so much better than anywhere else.

Tomorrow is the “check in” with my actual oncologist. We will see what this member of my health team has to say, already got to review the information with the other team members and its pretty interesting.

So many ups and downs – listening too all the peeps around me is just wow. Trying to stay focused on the things within my realm of focus and let everything else go.

This is why today is a make chai day, and my house smells amazing!!!

The engine is still firing, we working towards health there are just a few things that we gotta focus on to get things moving. — Sometimes you have to make a bigger mess to fix things better – this is apparently the case with Cancer – its teaching me things, and I only can learn them so fast. Its like all of life, we just keep moving the engine, an d eventually we will get to the shiny treasure!

Life is good.

Today was day one of rescan things – that is to say every 3 month multiple scans to let doctors see “whats going on” – specifically this one will say if the “shitty” protocol – yeah irony here – is “working” on brain mets. We will know on Thursday!

So doing this MRI scan is always one … I wish I didn’t have to the most. The techs are good, and I’ve done enough so I know what to expect but there is no part of the experience that is “pleasant” – its icky. More icky than others, but it has been show to have value so we buck it up soldier!

Today, I had scheduled this super early – as it has “food and beverage” requirements – not as harsh as Petscan – but basically they want you to have little to no issues laying horizontal for this test on the flat hard metal slab. So nothing to make you puke lol – or cause conflict with the metal chemicals they will inject for the “contrast” to make prettier pictures.

Then the tube for the MRI – the particular place I schedule which has a “new machine” takes prettier pictures – they are “better” according to my doctors – but they are also slightly more pleasant cause designers fixed the camera but also slightly improved the entire by making the tube “a tiny bit bigger” – so I still have to squash but its not like fitting 10 gallons into a 5 gallons its more like fitting 8 gallons into a 10 gallon. They have also improved the “music” to allow them to provide me with “something” — to help count/cover the ridiculously loud scan – which is metal resonance. – its loud and its proud and man its scary loud, but the music helps.

Music also helps because your flat, uncomfortable squished into this metal tube coverd and secured – and they don’t want you to move for X amount of time – they tell you how much but …. I don’t know about you but gaging “x amount of time” is something I can do but is deviated alot by meds, and discomfort. So the music helps because it gives you a “guess” how long its really been – ie – x number of songs long – and the “scan” is 2 sets one before and one after contrast.

Its 3-4 songs long for each. So you breath, relax and listen to your music while the machine just bumps and grinds with you there. Staying still makes the process faster and it doesn’t have to repeat. Staying calm makes better pictures. Overall unpleasant but not the end of the world.

In order to “give you contrast” it means they have to “access” — IE stick you. In order to have you set up with an IV for the tech – in my case this is not something out of the norm unfortunately – but I have a port which “should” make it seamless – however my port has had so so much access and so so many chemicals it likes to be a problem child. My veins are so so — well chemicals and meds make them not so great anymore – thank gosh I had incredible veins before cancer – but now I bruise super easy – so the tech “wants” to use my stubborn port. This means longer but less for me to do lol – instead of a quickie 2 minute poke and move to next – now it takes 10-15 or them to “get me hooked up”

While I am sitting here, uncomfortable but preped and resolved to this – I’m noticing that all of these people – you can feel the energy – all of them have their own nonsense going on – just like bluntly everyone alive these days especially. They need me here.

While we are waiting for the next phase there is a woman seated – socially distanced and masked – across from me by about 15 feeet who is … older, found out she was born in 39. She is scared — very scared and her fear is palpable. We start talking – because I’m a chatty person – and she tells me she was just diagnosed with Breast Cancer – and I help her, I fill her in quicky with 10 second version of where I am and why I’m here and she calms down. I’m an inspiration. I tell her these things, I tell her she is strong, she is just jumping through hoops. WE talk about how scary this time is, she isn’t afraid anymore. If I — the spring chicken who has been the little growly pup – if I can do this, she has strength.

The tech that is helping me, he has some struggles with family. They are resting energy wise on his sleeve, he is trying to check on them, but focus on his job. He is doing incredible, but its very hard. He comes back to start over with me, and I bring him into the lady and I talking and I fill him in on where I am, and he too relaxes. I tell him I dont’ know what is struggles are but they are real and valid and just as challenging for him. I remind him this time is hard for everyone, and his courage to be here to help so so many is incredible. I tell him he has this, I talk about the balance, and recognizing that when life puts those struggles in front of you.

Remember the energy scales balance. So when you deal with those struggles, and you have the strength and the tools, and the people around you to help you – remember its life setting you up for incredible joy, bliss, and success. So be thankful for the struggle, be thankful for your resourcefulness and most of all look forward to the incredible heading to you to balance those.

Be grateful for the small things that you have help to take care of — like the full bag of expresso beans I spilled all over my living room and kitchen yesterday while trying to grind them. I had an incredible husband to come and help me clean up. — I tell all these things to this incredible guy here and he listens and he laughs with me, and I made his day brighter.

I made the day brighter of all the peeps in reception – I did a happy dance when I arrived 10 minutes early for all of them. I made all the techs in the back happy because I could. I shared my spirit with them today. Because while I have ONE job to cure cancer. The people around me are my second job – elevating energy is needed for all of us, and me swirling around and helping more wonderful peeps – peeps that got up and did things to help people today. Other peeps that got up for their “test” to help resolve things — they need all of us. They needed ME today.

I am glad its over, but I’m also glad I got to experience it.

Life is good. More tests tomorrow.

I had this incredible idea this morning – I went to go to the product and share it – and there wasn’t a “idea box” or anything like it – but I tried their automated chat and wow too early to give them my thoughts. Really short sighted in our whirlwind of incredible tech that we cant’ just submit.

Then I took a second step because I “figured” I’d post it on social media and maybe my idea might eventually get to “right hands”…. but oh yeah Twitter doesn’t recognize me anymore – and all the hoops I’ve jumped through because trolling ME is now a job for alot of bored folks is more important than sharing cool things.

So I’m posting my idea here – probably it won’t go anywhere – I wasn’t looking for anything other than “wow this sounds so cool” and to put it into the brains of people that “could” think it was cool and actually actionable.

What if all those super cool appliances that “beep randomly” at you to tell you they are done – what if you could put in a x number of second Particular sound that was pleasurable to tell you they needed your attention.

We have a “routine” that plays a particular personal anthem for P and I at 9’oclock on Saturday night – because its part of a song that makes us both smile. Its something the …well I could state her name here lol — luckily she doesnt’ “react” from typing just yet – but anytime I say anything remotely like “Alexa” in our house she goes nuts – which is particularly amusing since the artist that did the song for our routine – also did another one I love with her name.

My idea was … Like play part of a song for when the washer is done, or the dishwasher, or the microwave, or the oven — let me pick what sound I want instead of just beep beep beep – randomly screaming at me.

I’d love to have made this suggestion – too bad couldn’t find the place on the whirlpool place to do it lol.

Oh well, here is hoping for another day that someone gets around to wright brothering the “transporter” tech they have envisioned.

Today is a good day!

Sometimes the hardest feelings are the ones you have to realize while they seem like they might not be great are actually blessings in disguise.

I have had – always my whole life – difficulties putting myself first. I learned at a very young age the adage of the peacemaker. To put other people needs/wants/desires before my own in the interest of generating a more peaceful realm to which I would exist.

This has been a tool with value my whole life. It is however, a tool I’m learning stronger, better options for now. Most times, it is not only “not bad” to put myself first, but it is incredible more valuable.

There can be no peace for ME in my realm if I am not taking care to make sure it exists. If I am not cared for first, there is significantly less value in anything else.

While its easy to speak these words, not holding them against myself is alot harder. What I mean by this is “finding a reason to find fault in my logic”

I’m very very good at poking holes in things, rather than recognizing that sometimes, they are easy to make it easier for me to use them to climb the mountain.

The mountain top will be a much easier place to spread the peaceful realm then in the climb. And its more important to make sure I am taking care of myself to ensure I get to the summit.

The specific is that I am going to take a pause in this chemo on Monday when its time for my re-assessment. I would love to be able to consult with my doctor first, to respect her wide depth of knowledge. I have logged into this protocol and this should pose little problem to anyone but me, and even to that end very little challenge or problem if any. These medicines are not likely to become resistant with a few extra day delay or abscencia. The rescans are going to be with contrast, and coupled with the fact of potential side effects with these meds, is the fact of “no food or drink” before the scans, which are required for the medicine.

So the difficulty I’m having is that I am worried about this doctor being offended that I am making this decision for ME without consulting her, when she is my partner in healing. I know with all of my being this is the correct decision, but the peacemaker is looking for trouble and sees the potential for offense at adding a member to my team with extensive knowledge then not consulting that member before decisions are implemented.

Honestly if I had a direct way to reach out to the dr and say “hey I’m doing this, you okay?” without it having to play telephone tag with staff at the office where she is stationed like 3-4 times, and maybe eventually getting my message to the dr, I’d reach out. But the amount of stress involved with “advising her” before decision is implemented is … well its no where near the balance of deciding the best thing for me — so I am deciding the best thing and planning to let the chips fall – but there is a part of me that is very unhappy with ME about this decision.

Doing what’s best for me should NEVER be this much internal conflict. Ultimately its me that is responsible for me.

Silly me, for struggling to find peace with putting me first.

Life is good, and I should be looking forward to more days with less chemo lol instead of worrying about hurting my dr feelings.

Today I’m having one of those days, where I can’t help but thank the universe over and over again for all the incredible amazing people it has blessed me with in my life.

Words often get in the way of an explanation. They complicate many things based upon individual filters that are neither right nor wrong, but are person perception.

There are many things that are the best things in the world. Its also amazing when you KNOW exactly what you need, but its better when you know what you need and you actually get precisely that thing.

The psychological and mental things sometimes you just can’t feed with anything but emotional comfort.

This third round of treatment is harder. For so many reasons, some physical and many that are in the more important area.

Its funny the older I get the more I realize that part of longevity is not physical at all but mental, psycological and emotional houses being in order. The Physical seems to be an “extra” but its not the end all. There are amazing things that humans are capable of doing and accomplishing with the other things being in order. We are all healers, and the ability to heal ourselves, loved ones, everyone, and the world are significantly based upon the concept of being able to recognize, and adjust for the other challenges.

This is a time for testing for all of us, a time for understanding how to tap into and utilize those remarkable abilities we have from birth to See beyond physical, to feel and touch beyond the physical – the Physical was never intended to be our most direct route to exploration …. it was intended to be our “back up” — our real route has to do with all the other things that make up our being.

Prayer and positive vibes. Keep them coming and I’ll keep surrounding myself with these things to help myself clear out decades of forgetting that I’m my most important job that taking care of myself is the only way I can be here to help support the other people in my life.

Bright blessings, love and light to all those that are fellow light sources, intent to fill us all with their hope, strength and the power of belief.

Life is Good.

“Great heaven knows, we wish we had not so many clothes!”

This is an Adam Ant song that I have always loved – “Strip” – it is an analogy that is just so appropriate 🙂

Its an extremely sexual song, with extremely sexual undertones – however – that being said, the concept of being “striped down” psychologically is so so appropriate, and if you take the content and context of what is being said and put it into todays day and time challenges we are facing as a society, and you consider them in a very truly non-sexual way – its so so appropriate.

We are in this life, this shared experience together. We all have our own bears to wrestle, we all have our own pooh’s filling our head with fluff.

Today is the start of cycle three, and my little girl is jumping for joy…. how/why you say? Because I striped her down, and fruity pebbles is apparently enough right now for her to nudge nudge me excitedly to get up and start my day. How can this be? Because that pure part of me, that innocent part of me, just loves the simplicity and beauty and the happiness they bring. Bluntly I’m gonna be that little girl today, because her strength is what I need these days.

I talk to so many of the bright souls, I am blessed with in my life. I listen to so many of the challenges, to lament with them of their struggles, their personal bears, their wrestling matches – how they too fall and struggle with getting back up. We are all sharing these experiences. No one is alone.

I recall the simplicity of that science experiment from decades ago that proved to me in physical form – the principle definition of the conservation of energy – that it can neither be created or destroyed. It can completely be altered.

When I too, am struggling in those moments of the dark night, I remember that train I took so so long ago, and the true epiphany of seeing that adage of the light at the end of the tunnel. We are just in the tunnel. We have each other for comfort and safety, but there is light. Sometimes we just need to practice our self tools for reframe to “remind ourselves” that it can always get better. — Or laugh at the concept that Angelica Houston stated as the “naughty witch” in Ever After where she says “No matter how bad things get, they can always get worse”…. I laugh everytime I think of this, because I understand how energy works. It likes balance.

I was telling a friend going through struggles, to remember the scales of justice, and that to think in the reframe of the fact — to enjoy the struggles – to think of them as the balance for all the good amazing things coming. To see these struggles, these challenges as the “prep work, the dirty work” you have to do in the kitchen to get to that AMAZING delicious result. The struggle is real. The struggle isn’t as bad as you think. You can get through the struggle – and sometimes the fruity pebbles are just over in the cabinet, and those young parts of you that truly believed in just the amazing, just the beautiful – that beautiful young part is still there 🙂

Come out and play.

Life is good – we got this!

Its funny to me that this word has so so many connotations, “Direction” — like what the director told you to do .. for the play, for the musical, for the singing piece…. And then when it comes to navigation within driving, kinda you need to know atleast what direction you wish to move the car in….

Right now, direction is becoming relative to society – and seeing so many old patterns be bounced, changed, or directed somewhere differently.

For me, Direction is about – which way are we leading life?

Had the realization that 2060 will be the year I turn 87. What a crazy whirl win of time that is to be moving towards – watching so much of everything I’ve known become everything that is relative in the moment – watching everyone else not inside my conditions experience this same thing.

Having had a love for coffee for the majority of my adult life, and having had a passion for so many aspects of it in recent decades – it was time for P and I to take a trip down this rabbit hole together – he procured a new expresso machine lately, and he took a masterclass on being a barista. He is just loving making me the best expresso.

I am a spoiled woman, because I am getting to order, and have my own personal barista available to dance over and make me some yummy liquid goodness.

Its amusing to me that I’m having to monitor to ensure I don’t over caffeinate. Which is especially challenging because not only is it amazing tasting but he is so enjoying dabbling I want to encourage this, and by cracky I’ll enjoy that expresso too.

Finishing the second round of this new protocol this week – tomorrow and I am so so looking forward to it. This round has been harder, and here is hoping that they get easier again soon.

We have aligned our northstar and we know which way means which things, now we need to set the sails and have some smooth sailing soon.

Life is good.