Category Archives: Spiritual

Learning, Spiritual, Stream of Consciousness

Losing your kibbles and other hidden gems

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That expression “Losing your shit”… is so amusing to me, its sort of the antithesis of what it normally means.

When you lose something, particularly when its “shit” — typically your happy about this, I mean who doesn’t like a decent BM now and again.

Losing something can sometimes be positive or negative, depending upon if the lost noun is something you were hoping to maintain or were glad to be rid of…

That expression of “losing your shit” … going nuts, just well, it just makes me laugh. I’ve been around people who have lost their shit, and let me just tell you — its sometimes scary in the moment, but its normally amusing, because the things people tend to lose their shit over, are so so not worth the amount of poo being tossed around.

For example, the lady that loses her shit over her drink being wrong at Starbucks – I mean, what does that even mean?

The guy that loses his shit over someone cutting in front of him and taking his space…

Small universe vs Large universe.

Its interesting to me that “spending” also has a similarly odd element to it also…

I mean in the small universe, no one would think much at all of putting an extra coin into a vending machine to help a friend, but donate 1000 dollars to a cause that feeds thousands… well, we don’t treat these things the same way.

Magnanimous and Over-reactive in the micro –> Aloof and Ambivalent in the macro…..

The illusion of self has us all confused, and confirmed to thinking only in the micro –> hidden away from the pure reality of the macro — the oneness of everything all together.

The balance of things. Always makes me think of that see-saw thing, where when we are up, someone else is by very definition down, and when we are down, someone else is up… the trick is to see the up and down as one and the same, and to embrace them both.

I dunno, maybe its just humor 101 for me today 🙂 Weird moments of oddity seem to be prolific around me recently… here is to hoping that the beat continues to go on…

Family, General, Health, Learning, Spiritual, Stream of Consciousness

Shake it up

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Song comes to mind “Shake it off” by Taylor Swift — I seem to be doing A LOT of this lately.

Even as I type this…. sometimes, I’ve found and I’m trying to learn — its best to keep the personal diatribes to yourself.

Sufficed to say, I was a bit too outgoing with my thoughts, and ended up with more work.

On the one conversation, the work might be productive, and end up resolving the issue, however its messy and annoying and will be uncomfortable throughout the process.

On the other conversation, the outcome is just annoying, and it left me more frustrated then resolved. Now not only do I have this thing I want to hash out, but I have the drama associated with having let someone else in on the information.

People, generally are annoying. I’m not saying they suck or don’t suck – they both suck and don’t suck as may or may not be applicable and appropriate at one time or another — I mean I know I suck sometimes — I did cut in line in front of that guy, and pretend that it might have actually been my turn, even though I knew it wasn’t really my turn. I did say that thing that was brash and blunt and caused the person to be annoyed, frustrated or hurt. I’m not exempting myself from the annoying and sucking or not sucking part.

Just having one of those days, that I wish I were a squirrel. Let the pup out a few minutes ago, and as I was talking him into doing his business — yes you heard me correctly, he likes to be persuaded, otherwise, he will play the game of “Oh oh I need to go now, no wait…. Oh oh , its now… no … maybe…” for the next few hours. So I was persuading him to do his business.
When a squirrel on the other side of the fence all the sudden started chirping at me.

I feel like I need to chirp at someone. Just you know, sorta let it all out – not in specific context, just let myself be freed from the annoyance, frustration, and indecision.

Open myself to the infinite possibility of being in the moment, and realizing that none of the other stuff matters. Sure it seems like OMGITHASTOBETHISWAYORELSE … but really, in reality — and I do mean True Reality. It doesn’t matter.

Yellow will still be yellow, and pink will still be pink, and the sun will still rise in the east… Infinite cosmic power, itty bitty living space.

Breathe.

So it was another day, I got to hear from a very good friend of mine today, and listen in on her dramas. Sometimes, well often in fact, its nice to do this … Just sit back and listen, and be thankful that the experiences of others are not mine. Both for the challenges and the triumphs… not mine. Mine are my own, unique, and utterly insignificant to others 😉

Human, the ultimate spec of dust.

I did have a funny epiphany on the way home – as I was suffering with a mean mean case of emotional eating craving… I think that needs an acronym going forward.. EEC, yeah I had a bad case of EEC. What a world it would be if I could turn my compass, and direct my EEC at exercise instead of eating. I’d be the most fit person in the whole world. Maybe this is what my friends – the ones I’ve dubbed “fitness nuts” are really doing – maybe there is some secret power to re-form that EEC… I remember snip-its — yes I’m getting old — of a scifi episode where the were a mutation re-writing dna and mutating people into other things… maybe I just need that thing-a-may-bobber to change my filter from food to fitness… from hungry to healthy… from weight (the belly type) to weight (the lifting type)… Flab to Fit… hrmmm amazing how many of the letters are so close together… why has this never occurred to me before?

It must be another one of those imaginary lies… you know the type … I have had many in my history… maybe emotional eating really used to be emotional exercise, but people were having heart attacks or pulling muscles, and so they decided “just eat away that pain”… hrmmm I can’t even fathom how that could have occurred, but imagination is a wonderful thing.

Will have to give this some more thought.

Books, Family, Health, Learning, Spiritual

In the moment

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Published 2 old drafts that had kept me from progressing. Listening to a book these days… very good book actually, through Audible, that basically reminded me that when you figure out something that you are supposed to be doing, and are passionate about, your the only person that keeps yourself from doing it.

So I’m doing it.

Habits and patterns are tenuous things – they sprawl around in our lives, causing all types of action and consequence.

Harnessing the good ones, and minimizing the bad ones, or overwriting them is what I’m working on now. Its sort of like clearing out the rubble before you can plant a garden.

I wonder how people do that every year without feeling the frustration I’m feeling now. How do you clear out the same space over and over again, and feel empowered by the effort instead of kicking yourself while your down.

That concept of fake it till you make it only takes you so far, I’m very good at faking it – Yeah Baby. I don’t want to fake it, doesn’t really serve me.

This book, it helped me seize the day, the moment for a brief moment in time, and I realized how far far away from it I was…. stepping into that whoosh feeling of being connected to the universe, and spirit, and creation — and I was crying. Realizing how much I’d missed that… Its a simple thing for me, to step back into that moment, I know precisely how to take myself there in a breath, a heartbeat….. but I get so distracted by the mundane, I had failed to realize how truly long it had been before I’d frolicked in that moment for a bit.

I consciously spent many hours pushing myself back into it over the course of this week, and I am feeling so much better, its hard to understand why I continue to let myself drift away from it.

The glitz and glamour of the distractions I guess…. Shiny Treasures. So so easily distracted, its a wonder I can stay focused on anything – including this post – for more than a few moments.

About to be an Aunt – for the 5th time, but somehow this time feels alot more like the first, I wasn’t so close to any of my other nieces & nephews births or wee lives, and they all live a distance from me even now. Plus being able to share in the joy of these two is … priceless. Its such a magic thing, and I am hopeful to see that sweet little angel soon.

This is an odd year, 2015. Its a culmination of a 2 year growing cycle, and as I reflect upon this I see some of the correct paths I’ve trod, and some of the less beneficial ones I’ve dabbled along. Spirit has sent me many guides and messengers to let me know that I’ma bout to embark upon the next 2 year cycle, and I’m very very curious.

We have some strange things afoot at the Casa this year – things I’ve been wishing and hoping for over the past few cycles, will likely come to fruition this year. Its a little overwhelming and frightening to be honest; its always amusing to me how I put these large goals up on a height, and then tirelessly work towards them, only to be scared to death once I actually get close to achieving them. Its like my consciousness is this naysaying ninny, that has no faith in my subconscious and ability to manifest. I_Know_I_Can_Manifest. I have done it so many countless times in my life, the only thing I lack is focus.

I’ve read many times about people learning the bow and arrow, and how you focus, you have to clear your head and be the target, same with firing a gun I’d imagine, but something about firing a gun still feels very very wrong to me. Gunpowder is not meant to kill people. That focus, that single minded intent of clearing your mind, centering your breath, stilling your body and being one with the target, in order to reach the target. That faith and believe in your own accuracy and aim and that removal of second guessing or hesitation.

Thats how you manifest.

Eye on the prize, heart centered and focused.

Time for me to pick a new target, right now, I’m floundering in a sea of possibilities, with out an oar or compass.

Had this weird thought the other day, there are a few people that are alive that I’d like to meet. I’d like to share tea or in a few cases a beer with them. I’ve had meditative conversations with all of them a few times, and I know its a possibility to cross our paths, but I hesitate to manifest it because I’m hoping the universe will provide me with some goal or purpose that will match up with this desire. Other than the sheer vanity aspect of being able to say “I had tea once with … “… I mean, I do have a vanity streak, but I’d like to believe I’m not quite that vain.

Yoga teaching keeps coming up in my meditations. I like yoga, the way it makes me feel, the empowering sense of connecting my mind with my body and breath and the centeredness of action in spirit. I very much enjoy teaching – I’ve just never really seriously considered this path as constructive for me…. Maybe its time to ponder on this one some more.

I think this is a good start for re-joining with my passion, so I’ll leave here, and go off to take P out for some much needed refreshment.

General, Health, Learning, Spiritual

Taste of life

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The taste of sunrise, the taste of morning breath, the taste of that first sip of coffee, the taste of the feeling of having overeatten, feeling miserable overly full… The Taste of relaxation, the taste of tears from overflowing rush of emotions… the Taste of sorrow, of Grief, of Joy, elation, excitement, of surprise… The tastes of life..

Books, Family, General, Health, Learning, Spiritual, Stream of Consciousness

Mad Caucus race and other round maps

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The Caucus Race

Another good quote is: “Everytime she finds a minute thats the minute they begin it” — From Disney’s Cinderella.

Time for a brain dump, or so my guides have indicated to me. I seem to be a bit of a slacker about this, and seem to like to be overly melodramatic about “waiting” to post, when really its just pure slacker.

Reading a very interesting book about Habits – why we have them and how to shape form mold them. “The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and …”
It is definitely providing some much needed food for thought about where I am and how to get to where I want to go, whilst also explaining the where I detoured and what caused those patterns.

Many things going on, not sure where to start. We took the trip to NY – and it was educational – it is not a place I would chose to return, hopefully the universe does not require this of me. It was not a horrible trip, in the sense that I accomplished what I had hoped, and found pleasure in the little things – it was however much more of a working trip then a vacation.

Speaking of working – Stress is an interesting beast. Its definitely a lower elemental form, and while it is a highly enticing title and description to utilize, best to not give this one any more power than necessary. There is really no such thing as stress for me, there are conditions I am able to accommodate with the tools I have at present, and there are conditions that are beyond my ability to handle and require me to learn rapidly new tools. This year has been greatly filled with the latter, and while it would seem like a welcome condition to request more of the former, I am evolved enough to recognize that there is a balance in both, and while I do not perceive the balance at this moment in time, it is progressing as it should.

We have a new pool – its P’s pool really, for me its somewhat a chlorinated heavily hot tub. That is not to say I am unhappy about the pool – more that its urgency and need was not my own driving force. It certainly is nice, and it will especially be nice on cold winter evenings and weekends. P has been using it extensively, which is quite nice to see – score another one for me about knowing and timing.

Right now it feels to me like I’m on one of those very very long road trips, where the journey is more than halfway over, but the brunt of the trip is still lying ahead. There are some lag times, long times of very little scenery and quite moments ore reflection, but they seem to be frequently punctured by the noise of horns, blares of sirens, and general ambient lively distractions.

I did a stupid female thing the other weekend. I was turning and missed an extra median in the road, and drove my little electric car over the curb – popping both the front and rear driver side tires. While I was quite blessed that it was only the tires that were popped, having no damage to the car itself or even the rims, it was a quiet respite, it was an unusual condition to have some what of an enigma in the sense that I had done something “dumb” that afforded me the luxury of something I had highly craved. Quiet time to contemplate.

They are doing renovations at my “Muggle Job” – to coin a phrase my dear sister has started using, and I decided I have found it endearing. My Muggle Job is doing office renovations. They managed to blow up enough dust and dirt to make nearly the entire department sick. Many of us were out for almost a week – I guess this is what comes from turning a warehouse into an office with the lowest possible margin of cost. Not to say it was cheap – heh far from it.

This would be the same Muggle Job that sees fit to give and to take from me nearly in the same breath on a repeating schedule of oddity. Promote here, Punish there – Reward here, Chastise there — I don’t get it. Sufficed to say, I’ll leave it up to the muggles to figure it out, and spend more of my time and energy focusing on the important things in life.

As I mentioned previously, the universe is driving me towards decisions about a few things, but presenting me with challenging opportunities to clearly decide things. For example, for this coming weekend, there were actually 4 available opportunities for me to allocate my time. Two of them being clearly down one path, and two being clearly down the other.

Each day, I begin to feel more and more like Alice in the wonderland of life – verses feeling like the caterpillar or the Red Queen – both of which I have felt in the past for extended periods of time.

I remember a play many many years back that I saw in Orlando – a semi small stage performance of a re-written version of Frankenstein – there was one part of the production that was particularly dramatic – the main character was huddled down, and three other performers were circling around as if the voices inside ones head, chanting loudly “Who are you, What are you, Why are you” over and over to a beat of a crescendo. Lately I’ve been feeling more and more like that huddled figure. Not so much that the questions are the same, but that sense of overwhelming space enclosure has been amping itself up. — This was a queue from my mind that it was time to blog, and I chose to ignore it until it reached a numbing point.

Life feels alot like a roller coaster, from the line through the wait, through the anticipation, the picking of the seat, the start of the engine, up the first hills, around the bends, and over the fast turns and twists, back to the station and exiting to start at the line again. Endless cycle of known possibilities repeating in a fresh perspective over and over again.

The barista at my favorite Starbucks the other day tried to explain to me how Starbucks Green Tea had more caffeine then coffee — and I laughed and tried softly to educate him to the difference – did some research, and while I realized I was indeed correct it has significantly less — less than 1/4 the amount of caffeine of an equal amount of coffee — I realized that it just didn’t matter. At the moment when we were having the discussion, in the drive thru line when he was trying vehemently to get his point across — to the point when I bothered to take the time to look up the actual numbers. Being Right doesn’t matter.

Commissioned an artist to create a Soul Mandala for me back a few months ago, and reached out to her because it seemed as if it were being delayed. She expressed that she had some difficulties, and had restarted the work twice – apparently my soul is more varied then any she had previously worked with – and while she was struggling with some personal challenges, it was assisting her and helping her to develop tools. She expressed gratitude for being able to do this work for me, and at the opportunity to meet with me and my soul. The work is still not finished. While I have no doubts that she is the real deal, in terms of having seen and experienced other of her art work – and I also understand the need of an artist to have an open window of time, the business person that my Muggle Job has cultivated — this person never existed before this particular Muggle Job – is struggling with feeling the need to be overly protective. Its an odd sensation to be balancing two sides of my personality to find a happy medium. I embrace the need of time for achievement of the highest possible good.

We have had the same cleaning lady for many years now, after a string of cleaning staff that stole from us and or did not perform a very adequate job. This lady is kind, and a hard worker and her rate is both within what we can afford, and a rate that we feel is adequately compensating her for her time. We have a cleaning lady because cleaning is not something I particularly relish – and while she doesn’t do a spot on perfect job, she does the rudimentary tasks of cleaning, allowing for the time to expand upon her works for both P & I while still affording us luxury time – the benefits of having a muggle job that can afford this luxury. This cleaning lady has a mischievous side, she likes to move things around in the house in the interest of “straightening” – and she has trained us both to clean up before she comes, for fear of having her “hide” things we might need in the immediate future. Overall her regular routine visits have kept our house presentable, tidy and trained us into some nice habits. Lately however, I’ve been having this sense of doubt. Like its time to stop having her clean the house. While I recognize part of this is from the need to take on some of the actual cleaning portion she performs – I would be much more acceptable to this, if it weren’t for the Muggle part of my mind starting to infringe on my head with all sorts of nonsense doubts about the value of the service and whether or not our house is safe.

Have been seeing alot of Dragonflies and Dameselflies lately – looked up the meaning in animal speak and its spot on – I suspect this is a new animal totem for me. It is also the reason that it became part of my tattoo from the trip to NY – the pink lotus with the blue dragonfly representing a balance to the experience and the rite of passage being achieved.

S has been quite interesting lately. It seems he has decided he would like another dog. He has decided until we get him another dog to micromanage, he will micromanage P & I both. He has exhibited more behaviors of trying to train us. While I still dearly miss both Rommel & Sasha, he is an interesting family Member to have around.

General, Learning, Spiritual, Stream of Consciousness

My first concert, and other forms of destiny

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Lyric from a Billy Joel song “I’m in a New York state of mind” — this lyric Finally makes sense to me now…. Heh, somehow I don’t know if thats a good thing of not yet. I decided to follow some unrelated yet seemingly to me completely related advice a friend gave me about keeping a journal with a name on teach page.

The advise was actually about doing distance Reiki – and its extremely effective, but I also decided, since a small 3×5 moleskin is easy to carry, it makes a good stream of consciousness filter for me.

First, mea culpa to any of my friends for negative spew the past few days – I can’t promise that its over, but I do feel it will be significantly more minimized at this point.

So, we have a vacation in NY – well its a complete vacation for me, although technically spiritually its a working vacation – does one every really get a spiritual vacation prior to death? Not certain I really want to think too much more about that, because the answer doesn’t really matter much for my life.

In anycase, this is a learning experience for me. Sometimes in life those are positive, many many times they are challenging. This is one of the later.

Learned a very interesting tool, for distance traveling – to utilize distance Reiki to make the trip — Smoother? – that seems like it, easiest way to specifically scientifically quantify it, like when the stars align and things go just right… One small minor hiccup was that in sending the distance energy through visualization, I somehow or for whatever reason neglected the “actual” take off and landing… So the energy ride was sort of bumpy in those moments, as my consciousness shifted in and out of the stream I’d prepared for the journey. Wild trip.

From the moment we got to the park and ride, things were just – easier. The shuttle picked us up as it usually does, but was a little less crowded, the people were a little more subdued, and were a little less busy body then usual. There was no line at the Jet Blue check in, and we were able to instantly get our bags checked, tags written and labeled, and boarding passes. While we had the upgraded seating for the speed pace, there was literally NO line through security. We walked right in and the TSA was waiting for us to arrive. Only had a few things to pull out of the bag, and the whole check was in a blink of the eye. The gate was close, and we got water right outside of the security. Bathroom was on the way to the gate.

We parked at the gate for a little longer than normal, due to having literally no delays in arrival. The plane was early! We were last to board, due to being in the front, and we boarded literally 5 minutes before take off, and the flight left a wee bit early. The steward not only greeted me, but made a human connection with me, and getting the seat belt extender for P was no trouble at all. The stewardess was friendly and kind, the drink and snack service was fast, and while I had realized early Friday Morning that the episodes of NCIS I had on my IPad were ones I’d already watched (I love watching NCIS on plane rides, its sort of a personal ritual tradition) – Jet blue had TV, and the first channel I flipped to had NCIS playing at the beginning of an episode, which followed with 3 other episodes. Sure I had commercials, but even those weren’t terrible annoying – most were for web sites, social media, or for future tv shows. Was sort of surreal. The snacks were even mildly healthy.

Flight landed 20 minutes early. Yes, I typed that correctly 20 full minutes early. We got to the luggage area, and even picking up the suitcases was a breeze.

We got a cab and the only snag was Phil decided spontaneously to add an extra stop along the way to see his old neighborhood. It took us a little deviation on the trip, which caused us to hit more traffic and not arrive at the hotel for another 2 hours.

The hotel – ah the hotel – such an enigma. If I were a single women, this would be THE spot to be. It is truly an artists paradise. The decor and charm of this place are on par with the hotel I stayed in with my boss in Malmo (The Savoy right off the train station)

The room is quite small. When I say this I must confess that having 2 bodies trying to share it – two tech bodies trying to share this space makes it stepping over each other. (As I type this I’m enjoying a spot of tea in the lobby) P & I both agree that the entire room is about the size of our bathroom at home. Its approximately 150sq ft with a Queen bed in the middle. There is barely enough room to walk around the 3 sides of the bed, and literally no storage space. There is a small closet area by the door, that has a mini bar, and a small suitcase stand, and a hanging rack for clothes. I’ve commandeered this area and unpacked my clothes onto the upper top shelf in the space. It feels very much like stepping over each other. The bathroom is not a bad size. There is actually a nice amount of room in there both around the sink, and in the shower. The tile is marble and its really elegant. The fixtures are all bronze, and they are well cared for, and old style – the sink especially with a nozzle that turns around, its very — well it makes me feel in touch with the writers of old that have stayed in this place.

We enjoyed a fabulous dinner the first night in the restaurant, local organic fare that apparently changes on a regular basis, and was all very very good. The service was also quite noteworthy, all of the staff at the hotel have been more than kind, seeking to make the experience very intimate and cozy at the same time. They have these enormous Key’s with the concept that you leave your room key when you step out for the day or evening, and pick it back up when you return. In this day and age, its a concept I have difficulties adopting, but the 50$ lost key fee does make it alittle enticing even to me.

The hotel also provides a complimentary continental breakfast – and this is actually a quite nice one. Its a nice take on a choice between yogurt/granola/fruit & pastries/jam/honey — both with a choice of coffee/juice. We have splurged both mornings and supplemented breakfast with an egg/chicken/kale dish that has been well worth the price. All of the portions are generous. They also have a house made almond milk cappuccino that is divine.

Its really not possible to find something unpleasant to say about the hotel other than the size of the room, and this is only uncomfortable from the perspective of being able to hide away from the bustle and game 🙂 so I suppose this is the universe telling me “No World of Warcraft for you” — I actually was able to log in and play, but sitting on the bed, with the laptop on my lap and trying to balance my mouse is just not “fun” in any stretch of the word.

P & I both had a list of things we wanted to see here in NY – there were precious few that made both my list and his list – one of the rare dual objectives was a trip to the secret stash. So yesterday, we braved the highland ferry and a cab ride to Red bank to make a visit to one of our favorite director/comedian/actor/comic book store aficionado’s infamous comic book store. The secret stash. The place was well worth the trip, it was nostalgic to walk through, not to mention I picked up a few Neil Gaiman books for the flight home 🙂

The trip taught me a few things about myself, about NY, about NYers, about NJ – and did I mention yet we had an amazingly racist cab driver on the way back to the Ferry? He apparently owns land in Texas, and I guess the fact that we were white seemed to give him license to feel comfortable expressing his very toxic views. Small world indeed.

The ferry at sunset was truly an inspiring site though – seeing the bridges with the lights, and the statue of liberty lite up – she is much smaller than I’d imagined. Its hard to think of her as small, except she is dwarfed by the skyline of skyscrapers literally overshadowing her.

Truly funny moment today, and an odd thing that occurred. We have a joke in Texas that before anything gets built, there is a pile of dirt. This is a notorious “pile of dirt” – because it basically takes until the dirt starts to have green grass, and sometimes trees sprouting out of it, until they will actually start breaking ground on the construction. Riding past a construction site here in NY for a “new” skyscraper – there was a huge huger hole in the ground — so apparently before construction starts in NY they get a crater. Pile of Dirt = Texas Hole in the ground = New York.

The second thing on our mutual lists, is what filled our day today – to take a city tour. Basically to “find” where his conference is this week, this was a snap – then find where we picked up the city tour bus and ride it around. While I am having some trouble with the sheer crowds of people, I’m having many many moments of simulated panic in my head from the feeling of being trapped on an island with more than 8 million strangers. The city tour actually helped me put that a little bit down. Being on the top, in the back of a double decker bus, it was easy to “see” and “experience” the city, from the relative safety of a slightly elevated perspective. It was probably one of the best things we could have done for me.

Had a friend tell me before this trip that the “food” here – if I avoided chain restaurants – was “fabulous” — well, I understand what she was intending by her comments, but I did have some interesting experiences. The first was the steak dinner P & I had last night in red bank – I mean I know we both tend to be a little frisky when it comes to spending when we are traveling, particularly when we are out trying new places, but the bill including tip was over 300$ thats a tad high even for us. While the food was good, some of it quite good, it still seemed a little bit higher than the value. Today, also we sort of got overcharged for food – which apparently included an over priced tip into the bill, where the service was lacking. Its not the food was “bad” its just it wasn’t as good as the other stuff I’ve had, and certainly hard to justify for the price.

Still have a few other “things” I want to try out while we are here, not the least of which is a slice of true NY style pizza. — I’ve also been told to have cheesecake at Carnegie deli.

Some other quote/impressions from my journal below:

~ Day 1 – Drank enough last night at dinner to knock me out 🙂
~ so so so many people
~ P = weird dreams
~ me = many interruptions
~ busy –> always in motion
~ sunrise in NY = earlier
~ Too many cars makes for sickening cab rides
~ too many heartbeats = too much chaos = nausea

~ Day 2 – Being thankful is a coping mechanism here
~ They spray deodorants to mask the smells of life … clog the pores & toxin increases… its like picking up one grain of sand to clean up the beach
~ missing time = long delays (we missed the first ferry yesterday by 2 minutes)
~ they rent bikes all over the place… but you have to return to the same place as you pick them up?
~ so many confusing conflicting thoughts
~ Red bank notes:
~ Too much steak (42 oz we split)
~ Too much money (300$)
~ waitress was really named Britany
~ cloggers in the street? They were good?
~ Cab Company took 45 minutes to pick us up after we called? (Charging too much in terms of time)
~ racist cab driver
~ Starbucks across from Secret Stash 🙂
~ got to see my favorite comic men people
~ People on the ferry are very very trusting
~ why do NY peeps take bags full of trash from the NJ beach and put in ferry trashcans??? Saw like 10+ peeps do this
~ Everyone on the ferry buying the overpriced greasy ferry cheese pizza.
~ everyone drinking and drinking and drinking
~ tab water in NY isn’t bad? how weird is that/!?
~ Staten Island bridge & Connie Island all light up at night are beautiful

~~~~~~~~~~
Thats enough for now, sufficed to say– Definitely get the “NY state of mind” now…

Health, Learning, Spiritual, Stream of Consciousness

Torn between heavy rain and dripping showers

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Crossroads are things I’m heavily versed with in my life. I’ve encountered them often, and while I would not so much call them a welcome friend along my path, they are definitely something I have frequently in hindsight considered great opportunities.

At this time, I’m within another cross roads. This one is three dimensional. Its a little different as I can see spiritual impacts from both sides, as well as mental, emotional & physical. Typically in the past, the spiritual has not really been a cross roads.

I’m being presented a choice. Two very divergent paths are very clearly presented to me from a spiritual perspective. They have very different advantages, and disadvantages, and I’m having a challenge committing to either of them fully.

One of the paths, is green and lush, and far easier to traverse. Its much more of the known and a steady somewhat predictable progression. It does however, require he tower for me, necessary removal of many things, and this is a conflicting point of ego for me. This path demands these removals to progress, and the pace of this progression is slow but steady. its the light soft rain of the afternoon shower. It has many pleasures along the path, and while this path is not shorter necessarily then the other, it is significantly different.

One path, is rocky and filled with pitfalls. It has the most amazing views, but it requires significant leaps and shifts. It also requires much more in the moment commitment. It affords amazing experiences beyond my wildest imaginings. However, it also requires separation, and acceptance through more than lip service. It requires undivided commitment to purpose, less distractions, far far less distractions. It has just as many pleasures along the way, but it will also be filled with many trials. Much like only the rough coral surviving being brutalized by the rough waves of the ocean.

My soul is torn between the two paths. My guides are silent. Neither path is right, nor is it wrong. Both paths are equal and valid. For the time being, I can continue to walk along both path ways, but there will come a time in the future, not so distant, that I will need to make a choice. If that time were today, I’m not certain which way I would decide. Both paths have learning and growth for me.

More meditation, more alone time, more silent time to listen to my heart. Perhaps these will bring me further clarity on which path is the one I will chose.

Its been a long week. Evolution has reflected a clear shift in my head this week. I’ve found myself detached from my body several times and experiencing my existence both within and without. Living in the moment, and seemingly simultaneously seeing myself living in the moment. There is a revelation of joy in this experience.

Striving to live in balance with life force energy is humbling. I have found amusement in watching myself get irritated at such small things, like the car that cuts over in front of me and scares me for safety’s sake. I find myself angry and mentally shaking a fist at the driver; while part of me soars above myself, and laughs at how silly that feeling of angst is…. Its almost like the emotions are some how more a part of me – this is hard to explain, perhaps if I talk it out with a seemingly unrelated but intimately related thought.

I remember the last conversation I had with my grandmother. Talking to her in her bedroom. I remember exactly how I felt, because while I knew there was nothing I could do to change the situation, and that there was equally no point in being sad. I also remember feeling powerless, but at the same time blessed with such an enormous gratitude to know that I had been blessed with the time to just be there. In the moment, I was so close to her, so very happy and so very sad all at the same time. The emotions were the same. It was more than a week, close to two weeks later that she actually passed away, quite painfully. She was in a significant amount of pain while I was sitting with her, and I think that is part of the reason I was so able to box all of this torrent of emotion so succinctly. I have always been very empathic and able to feel the pain others are experiencing.*** It was not a physically comfortable situation to be with my grandmother, while at the same time, her very presence had always been the absolute most earthly place of emotional comfort available for me. Where ever she was was home, she was home, like true north. And knowing, with absolute truth, that this would be the last time I would speak with, and hug her in human flesh, while also being restricted from sharing this knowledge and experience with anyone was one of the more challenging things I’ve had to experience in my life.

Being in that moment, was being in the balance. The very same state that my spirit is striving to maintain for me now. When I feel upset or angry, my spirit demands harmonization against those, and forces me to find the humor in myself about the situation.

***Boxing emotions was a necessary coping mechanism I developed many years ago, that I am striving to unlearn now, while it served me for many years, it no longer serves me. Boxing emotions requires tremendous amounts of emotional eating to physically build somewhere to hold those emotions without destroying the vital flow of energy in the body. I need to release these physical boxes, and release the need for emotional eating.

It is an interesting and very busy time for me… many paths, many fronts — and yet the rain this week was as always a refreshing break and promise. A quote I’m loving for 2014

“The cure for anything is salt water – sweat, tears, or the sea”

Books, Health, Learning, Spiritual, Stream of Consciousness

Ying Yang, and the grasshopper on your shoulder

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Lyrics from old disney songs popping through my head, “Mr. Blue Bird on my shoulder” — when I think of Jiminy Cricket – the conscience in your head that tells you the “right” and the “wrong” things to do… what if those filters get screwed up?

The voices inside my head – and yeah I’m not talking about voices of other people, just the sides that represent my balance – the sides of possibilities, of black and white, or clear and hazy — health or glutton… Physical or sedentary – they have been in a more climatic battle lately…

Up until last year, I’d say that for the majority of my post teenage life, there has been a calm peace between these two sides, the one side has been far the more dominant, and I have been mostly content – with a few hiccups now and again – to allow some of my more hedonistic tendencies to reign supreme.

Last year things changed, and that side of my personality, Finally, took a back seat. My true personality, the personality that remembers things from my very young childhood that had been buried. The side of me that likes to jump, and skip and hop, and run and walk and laugh – and is so so much less concerned about eating, and so much more concerned about living. That side of me, took the drivers seat.

It was a thrilling experience, I finally felt like myself. Really me, and I started dropping weight, eating healthy, taking care of myself and all the things that made me happy. I felt strong. I felt empowered, I felt that other peoples drama and opinions didn’t matter as much – its not that I didn’t share empathy, and compassion its more that I was so wrapped in the warmth of my true self that they were powerless to hurt me, harm me, or suck me into them.

A few things happened that added some hiccups. Having been buried since young childhood, ague-able 9 or 10, this side of my personality did not have as much real life experiences to relate to the deceptions and manipulations of the people in my life. It was ill equipped to deal with these situations. The emotional experiences of last year also added to this a bit, and even the lost weight, as it was such a drastic change. It impacted how other people interacted with me, and it was hard not to recognize the difference.

I’ve always been easily distracted – Squirrel – shiny treasure, Blue rock – and these distractions took me off center. the two aspects of my personality started fighting for who would reign supreme.

It started like a iron chef – with both sides presenting arguments — and my negative side, or the side of my personality that has had dominance for more than 30 years of my life started to step in and fight. Maybe it had felt (I had felt) that the other side was a phase, that I’d get lazy again and welcome it back with open arms (never left) — The holidays happened, and both sides agreed to an amnesty — we would balance things. We would enjoy many things but not overindulge. Overall, I think that things were going along well — but I was lulled into complacency — and this is the tool of this negative side.

My true personality is fighting back – its trying to struggle to encourage me, to help me follow the correct path – but sometimes I catch myself after the fact and I just can’t seem to understand how or why I did something. Like I’ll pray and start the day off with full intentions of eating only healthy food, and staying true to my goals. Then I’ll find myself having eaten the piece of chocolate cake; so quickly it was hard to blink but realize it was gone – and I didnt’ really even enjoy it. But now Ive had the calories. — And while I know that guilt is ~ Also ~ a tool of this side of my personality, I am struggling to try and figure out exactly how that happened. Why did I not have strength in the moment of the decision? Where was my solid resolve at that time? Where was the decision, how did I just slip so easily into compliance? Why did I slip into compliance? This side of my personality, the facade side, it is not compliant. It is a fighter, it was a struggle last year to stay on course. It wants to be a backseat driver, constantly telling me ‘you were good enough’ — ‘you don’t have to do that today, if you don’t want to’ — ‘you could always do that later’ — ‘one little bit won’t hurt’ (Like hell it won’t, it will make me want and feel the need for another bite, and another and then I’ll have finished the whole bag and sit back and wonder why I had the first one, when I wasn’t even really hungry)

So many things in life have dichotomy. We talk of a clean planet, as we drive our gas guzzling plant killers to our corporate jobs, where they pay us to do mind numbing tasks that inevitable deplete more of the resources through the serial killer-“Business” —- Seems like such a harmless word, but please tell me about one “Business” that made a profit, that didn’t take advantage of someone else. Its not like they give away the results of their efforts, there is always some bottom line, and things have to balance — those “things” are the taking from one person, and selling to another. Sometimes taking involves money of buying, but thats just a repetition of this same process. We talk about improving education, as we numb our minds like drones in front of the latest nonsense of Tv or Internet, “enter – Tain- Ment” — Interesting the etymology of that word — Lip service to one, and action to the other, mental thought, energy towards one, attitude, resources towards the other.

Its that fine line between too cold, and too hot – and whom you ask in which circumstance makes all the difference.

The Light and Dark – day and night — everything has its opposite. They must be in balance. My thought or question is, does my life require 30 years in the opposite dominance to balance? Is this the harmony I’m seeking? — I’m not happy right now; in the midst of this Chernobyl of my mind. It feels like things must come out or I’ll explode.

Started reading a book, I’ve picked up and put down many times over the past couple of years. I have this distaste in reading books that pontificate too much. I know thats a little subjective – the idea of this book is interesting, and I don’t disagree with the writer at all, but if one more time she goes off into what should be some happy go lucky beautiful description where she says effectively “you just had to be there to appreciate it” — I’m going to find her and shove this book down her throat. — The book is about Dolphins & Whales. I completely understand the message, and I am not blind to the information, I would just like to shoot the messenger 🙂 (Okay not really, but the idea fit in line with the rest of the thought)

Have a training class tomorrow and Sunday I’m very much looking forward to — Reiki certification class. Its the first steps on a many faceted pathway. I recognize that these two days will be intense and that they are just truly the first babysteps to recapturing something I have had in many situations in my distant past. On the one hand, I’m thrilled, on the other I’m terrified. I have debated canceling this class over and over and over in my head – its not that I don’t want to attend, its that I am not certain with all this internal conflict if this is the best time. Even as I type this, I’m realizing its precisely the best time, for precisely the reason of this internal turmoil. Guess I’ll be extra happy I didn’t give into the voice saying “you can do it later”…

I wonder if I’ll realize and find that my upcoming trip is much this same thing… Here is hoping so …

General, Health, Learning, Spiritual, Stream of Consciousness

Wild Ones…

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And other things from Florida — or rather Flo Rida – who knows– maybe its all the same thing.

My brain has decided, when I go too long without taking a moment to download back up to this blog, it will start to suddenly give me memory crashing errors. Twice today — You know those moments when you suddenly completely, in the midst of expressing something specific completely lose the thought, the whole ball park of where you were going, and what was intended….. or when your walking somewhere to do something – ask something specific — and you get halfway there and can’t recall why, who, what, where or when you were going… at all – no trace, no bread crumbs.

Here’s to bread crumbs! Not only do the make amazing meatloaf, but they also do pretty well for so many other things in a pinch.

Riding tonight, there was a sexy guy on a bike; you know the type, tight jeans, black bike, cowboy boots, quite quite fit, with a black billowing t-shirt with angel wings in silver on the back. Including the sword. When you think about whether or not angels are among us, stop asking if, and start considering that maybe they aren’t exactly where you expect or what you expect to see.

It made me laugh no doubt about it.

Books: reading one, I think I actually read it a few years back, however my mind decided it was time to pick it up again and start it over again. “Many Lives, Many Masters” by Brian Weiss — great book, many thoughts about this one….

So I’m taking a reiki certification class in two weeks, and my mind is still running though the lessons I need to refresh before this class, trying to clear and cut and go in with a fresh perspective. I do think its an interesting phenomena that once you start down a path the coding in Google sort of starts sending you all sorts more of that particular path, its sort of like “Hey you liked that one link, how about these other 50billion?” …. Really? I already decided that I was going to do this … no need to inundate me and make me question my decision. Where are the links for synergies instead?

Tried an interesting — ODD — yet interesting restaurant today. Inchin’s Bamboo Garden — They had a buffet for lunch, which was priced reasonable, the service was quite good – it was just sort of an enigma. It was Asian style Indian food. Sort of a fusion of Indian and Chinese, with more of a significant lean towards Chinese. Quite tasty selections, just quite odd.

Got an invitation for a crystal class this weekend at Natures Treasures, and am sort of torn about whether or not to take the time to attend. Lots going on right now both with home, work and spirit. More information while always nice, is threatening to exceed overload.

Dunno, have been sort of having difficulty lately with priorities. There are so many things to do, that it just seems like I want to sit back and watch for a while, and laugh and smile more. Its not so much a lack or undesire for motivation, its more that the laughing and smiling just seems higher priority then focus and resolve.

So many happy things going on all over the place, so many changes so many interesting evolutions in life going on.

Had a conversation about missing someone the other day — with the husband about his mother. I indicated that I missed her, but not as much I miss my dog. I qualified it to express that it wasn’t that I didn’t miss her, I do a good deal, but I miss the comforting presence of my pooch more. This caused him to consider and he indicated he missed her more than his pooch. It was just one of those somehow comforting conversations where discussing together brought more peace about the missing. Kind of like one of those misery loves company sort of things, but more of a positive type, where there was comfort in knowing that it was a shared experience.

Have a trip planned for August to NY – and I’m nervous. Its not in my top 10 list of places, while its probably in the top 100 — I don’t actually have a top 100 list yet, maybe thats a project for another day…. Its probably on the list. Still Nervous. We are not renting a car, and its crowded with many many many people. Not a huge fan of dark cavern like things of subways, and not a high love of mass transit or taxi’s. Guess I’m in for a culture shock in my own country! Coupled with the fact that its not likely I manage to get to do the few couple of things I’d actually like to do in NY – hook up with a friend from the Ridge last year — see the Statue of Liberty — Go to the Met — Go to Gordon Ramsey’s restaurant…. Since its unlikely I’ll get to do most of those things, I’m equally not excited. There is a conference there, which is the reason for going. I’m just a tag along, so its not especially costly for me to tag along, and it is a trip.

Tomorrow we head over to some of our family people’s house for dinner, very looking forward to the catch up time. We have been trying to get onto a routine the past few years, somewhat sporadically successfully — spotty at best, but time passes one way or the other, and we have such great family. So much to learn from each other.

Enough for now, my brain feels like its empty – maybe next time I’ll listen and blog before it decides to pull a Cntrl+Alt+Delete on me…. Lesson learned, I got the message, kkthx.