Lyrics from old disney songs popping through my head, “Mr. Blue Bird on my shoulder” — when I think of Jiminy Cricket – the conscience in your head that tells you the “right” and the “wrong” things to do… what if those filters get screwed up?
The voices inside my head – and yeah I’m not talking about voices of other people, just the sides that represent my balance – the sides of possibilities, of black and white, or clear and hazy — health or glutton… Physical or sedentary – they have been in a more climatic battle lately…
Up until last year, I’d say that for the majority of my post teenage life, there has been a calm peace between these two sides, the one side has been far the more dominant, and I have been mostly content – with a few hiccups now and again – to allow some of my more hedonistic tendencies to reign supreme.
Last year things changed, and that side of my personality, Finally, took a back seat. My true personality, the personality that remembers things from my very young childhood that had been buried. The side of me that likes to jump, and skip and hop, and run and walk and laugh – and is so so much less concerned about eating, and so much more concerned about living. That side of me, took the drivers seat.
It was a thrilling experience, I finally felt like myself. Really me, and I started dropping weight, eating healthy, taking care of myself and all the things that made me happy. I felt strong. I felt empowered, I felt that other peoples drama and opinions didn’t matter as much – its not that I didn’t share empathy, and compassion its more that I was so wrapped in the warmth of my true self that they were powerless to hurt me, harm me, or suck me into them.
A few things happened that added some hiccups. Having been buried since young childhood, ague-able 9 or 10, this side of my personality did not have as much real life experiences to relate to the deceptions and manipulations of the people in my life. It was ill equipped to deal with these situations. The emotional experiences of last year also added to this a bit, and even the lost weight, as it was such a drastic change. It impacted how other people interacted with me, and it was hard not to recognize the difference.
I’ve always been easily distracted – Squirrel – shiny treasure, Blue rock – and these distractions took me off center. the two aspects of my personality started fighting for who would reign supreme.
It started like a iron chef – with both sides presenting arguments — and my negative side, or the side of my personality that has had dominance for more than 30 years of my life started to step in and fight. Maybe it had felt (I had felt) that the other side was a phase, that I’d get lazy again and welcome it back with open arms (never left) — The holidays happened, and both sides agreed to an amnesty — we would balance things. We would enjoy many things but not overindulge. Overall, I think that things were going along well — but I was lulled into complacency — and this is the tool of this negative side.
My true personality is fighting back – its trying to struggle to encourage me, to help me follow the correct path – but sometimes I catch myself after the fact and I just can’t seem to understand how or why I did something. Like I’ll pray and start the day off with full intentions of eating only healthy food, and staying true to my goals. Then I’ll find myself having eaten the piece of chocolate cake; so quickly it was hard to blink but realize it was gone – and I didnt’ really even enjoy it. But now Ive had the calories. — And while I know that guilt is ~ Also ~ a tool of this side of my personality, I am struggling to try and figure out exactly how that happened. Why did I not have strength in the moment of the decision? Where was my solid resolve at that time? Where was the decision, how did I just slip so easily into compliance? Why did I slip into compliance? This side of my personality, the facade side, it is not compliant. It is a fighter, it was a struggle last year to stay on course. It wants to be a backseat driver, constantly telling me ‘you were good enough’ — ‘you don’t have to do that today, if you don’t want to’ — ‘you could always do that later’ — ‘one little bit won’t hurt’ (Like hell it won’t, it will make me want and feel the need for another bite, and another and then I’ll have finished the whole bag and sit back and wonder why I had the first one, when I wasn’t even really hungry)
So many things in life have dichotomy. We talk of a clean planet, as we drive our gas guzzling plant killers to our corporate jobs, where they pay us to do mind numbing tasks that inevitable deplete more of the resources through the serial killer-“Business” —- Seems like such a harmless word, but please tell me about one “Business” that made a profit, that didn’t take advantage of someone else. Its not like they give away the results of their efforts, there is always some bottom line, and things have to balance — those “things” are the taking from one person, and selling to another. Sometimes taking involves money of buying, but thats just a repetition of this same process. We talk about improving education, as we numb our minds like drones in front of the latest nonsense of Tv or Internet, “enter – Tain- Ment” — Interesting the etymology of that word — Lip service to one, and action to the other, mental thought, energy towards one, attitude, resources towards the other.
Its that fine line between too cold, and too hot – and whom you ask in which circumstance makes all the difference.
The Light and Dark – day and night — everything has its opposite. They must be in balance. My thought or question is, does my life require 30 years in the opposite dominance to balance? Is this the harmony I’m seeking? — I’m not happy right now; in the midst of this Chernobyl of my mind. It feels like things must come out or I’ll explode.
Started reading a book, I’ve picked up and put down many times over the past couple of years. I have this distaste in reading books that pontificate too much. I know thats a little subjective – the idea of this book is interesting, and I don’t disagree with the writer at all, but if one more time she goes off into what should be some happy go lucky beautiful description where she says effectively “you just had to be there to appreciate it” — I’m going to find her and shove this book down her throat. — The book is about Dolphins & Whales. I completely understand the message, and I am not blind to the information, I would just like to shoot the messenger 🙂 (Okay not really, but the idea fit in line with the rest of the thought)
Have a training class tomorrow and Sunday I’m very much looking forward to — Reiki certification class. Its the first steps on a many faceted pathway. I recognize that these two days will be intense and that they are just truly the first babysteps to recapturing something I have had in many situations in my distant past. On the one hand, I’m thrilled, on the other I’m terrified. I have debated canceling this class over and over and over in my head – its not that I don’t want to attend, its that I am not certain with all this internal conflict if this is the best time. Even as I type this, I’m realizing its precisely the best time, for precisely the reason of this internal turmoil. Guess I’ll be extra happy I didn’t give into the voice saying “you can do it later”…
I wonder if I’ll realize and find that my upcoming trip is much this same thing… Here is hoping so …