Torn between heavy rain and dripping showers

Crossroads are things I’m heavily versed with in my life. I’ve encountered them often, and while I would not so much call them a welcome friend along my path, they are definitely something I have frequently in hindsight considered great opportunities.

At this time, I’m within another cross roads. This one is three dimensional. Its a little different as I can see spiritual impacts from both sides, as well as mental, emotional & physical. Typically in the past, the spiritual has not really been a cross roads.

I’m being presented a choice. Two very divergent paths are very clearly presented to me from a spiritual perspective. They have very different advantages, and disadvantages, and I’m having a challenge committing to either of them fully.

One of the paths, is green and lush, and far easier to traverse. Its much more of the known and a steady somewhat predictable progression. It does however, require he tower for me, necessary removal of many things, and this is a conflicting point of ego for me. This path demands these removals to progress, and the pace of this progression is slow but steady. its the light soft rain of the afternoon shower. It has many pleasures along the path, and while this path is not shorter necessarily then the other, it is significantly different.

One path, is rocky and filled with pitfalls. It has the most amazing views, but it requires significant leaps and shifts. It also requires much more in the moment commitment. It affords amazing experiences beyond my wildest imaginings. However, it also requires separation, and acceptance through more than lip service. It requires undivided commitment to purpose, less distractions, far far less distractions. It has just as many pleasures along the way, but it will also be filled with many trials. Much like only the rough coral surviving being brutalized by the rough waves of the ocean.

My soul is torn between the two paths. My guides are silent. Neither path is right, nor is it wrong. Both paths are equal and valid. For the time being, I can continue to walk along both path ways, but there will come a time in the future, not so distant, that I will need to make a choice. If that time were today, I’m not certain which way I would decide. Both paths have learning and growth for me.

More meditation, more alone time, more silent time to listen to my heart. Perhaps these will bring me further clarity on which path is the one I will chose.

Its been a long week. Evolution has reflected a clear shift in my head this week. I’ve found myself detached from my body several times and experiencing my existence both within and without. Living in the moment, and seemingly simultaneously seeing myself living in the moment. There is a revelation of joy in this experience.

Striving to live in balance with life force energy is humbling. I have found amusement in watching myself get irritated at such small things, like the car that cuts over in front of me and scares me for safety’s sake. I find myself angry and mentally shaking a fist at the driver; while part of me soars above myself, and laughs at how silly that feeling of angst is…. Its almost like the emotions are some how more a part of me – this is hard to explain, perhaps if I talk it out with a seemingly unrelated but intimately related thought.

I remember the last conversation I had with my grandmother. Talking to her in her bedroom. I remember exactly how I felt, because while I knew there was nothing I could do to change the situation, and that there was equally no point in being sad. I also remember feeling powerless, but at the same time blessed with such an enormous gratitude to know that I had been blessed with the time to just be there. In the moment, I was so close to her, so very happy and so very sad all at the same time. The emotions were the same. It was more than a week, close to two weeks later that she actually passed away, quite painfully. She was in a significant amount of pain while I was sitting with her, and I think that is part of the reason I was so able to box all of this torrent of emotion so succinctly. I have always been very empathic and able to feel the pain others are experiencing.*** It was not a physically comfortable situation to be with my grandmother, while at the same time, her very presence had always been the absolute most earthly place of emotional comfort available for me. Where ever she was was home, she was home, like true north. And knowing, with absolute truth, that this would be the last time I would speak with, and hug her in human flesh, while also being restricted from sharing this knowledge and experience with anyone was one of the more challenging things I’ve had to experience in my life.

Being in that moment, was being in the balance. The very same state that my spirit is striving to maintain for me now. When I feel upset or angry, my spirit demands harmonization against those, and forces me to find the humor in myself about the situation.

***Boxing emotions was a necessary coping mechanism I developed many years ago, that I am striving to unlearn now, while it served me for many years, it no longer serves me. Boxing emotions requires tremendous amounts of emotional eating to physically build somewhere to hold those emotions without destroying the vital flow of energy in the body. I need to release these physical boxes, and release the need for emotional eating.

It is an interesting and very busy time for me… many paths, many fronts — and yet the rain this week was as always a refreshing break and promise. A quote I’m loving for 2014

“The cure for anything is salt water – sweat, tears, or the sea”

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