Ive found, that over my 48 years I have a side effect of putting other people before myself – that is NOT to say that I’ve had no times of being ultra selfish – more that the % of the norm — I’m saying over 75% of the time, my desires and needs have taken a back seat to the needs of the people I love around me.
This has been a self preservation technique I learned at a very young age as a peacemaker.
While I recognize that time of my life is over, its very hard to just turn off the faucet and flip the switch. I can “see” what I need to be doing, asking for, working on – but its not my “go to” — and its often somewhat uncomfortable for me. I mean on the one hand, its nice to have the discomfort be something other than physical – this or that or this is getting quite old – its not usually debilitating, but the physical discomfort is with me often – but its nice to have it be mental/psychological discomfort – however its encouraging alot of other bad patterns that are impacting the physical.
The medications I am taking on the regular have this wonderful side effect of causing suicidal/mass depression. I came to terms with these things a long time ago, and I recognize their tendrils. There are days where its alot harder to tell them to STFU. I’m doing. I’m surviving. working very very hard on thriving.
P and I are talking about taking a trip to south padre so I can get my “beach” urge satisfied — I’ve never been there so it will atleast be new if it isn’t what I’m seeking exactly – the challenge is that Starbuck needs to come with us – so finding a place that will meet my needs, and his is a challenge – and of course P gets to be the chauffer for this mad adventure so we will see how it goes. The planning part is seeming like a significant amount of work – and while I’m still early in my cycle of healing, my activation energy is low.
We took a drive this past weekend to Bastrop and it was … very good for me to get out of the house and zen.
Got to spend some time with my little sister – who is doing amazing things.
Life is good.