Today I asked P if he thought this was what alzheimer’s was like – where I know there is a piece of information that I am / want to access, and I know its in my head, but the damn thing might as well be locked behind fortknox – the good one, where no one ever goes in, no one ever goes out.

Many things, useless and valuable things are locked up right now for me, its like playing pictionary sometimes, when I can get enough sidebar to play and use it to help – with the loving attentions of the people who care for me. Let me qualify this – there have always been a few things that I just have blind spots for in my head — I’ve never been a name dropper, especially people who believe they are famous because they are able to carry a toon, display an emotion that everyone can understand or appreciate, or elicit an emotion – those people are just human like the rest of us, and I have a hard enough time remembering my bosses, my coworkers, and the people who work in my life to enhance and make it easier – thank you Efrim for running an incredible starbucks and teaching a whole generation of starbucks employees to be worthy enough to hold memory for names in my head. Names get into my memory when the person goes above and beyond as a human being, and shows that they are worth of my precious memory – not before – I suppose I also remember the horrendous ones, as an example of what never to be or do.

These days, this – what was once kinda just one area, where I could pull enough reference things to get someone else who values these names, to come up with this information that society values, but I don’t – now its much more – many of the things that I DO VALUE – that I need, that I want, they just aren’t there at the moment I need them – sometimes just not really there at all period.

Moments have to be repeated. Like when I ask the question XYZ – and five minutes later – sometimes I remember asking the question, often not, and I ask it again – like the merry go round of my brain. The answer is usually important for some tangible reason, and usually its not terrible to be asking it again, just mildly annoying I’m sure. Feels like the little kid going “why, but Why” but Why? – except its not a why question, and I’m not asking to hear the answer again or to enjoy the quality of the voice of the speaker, I’m asking because it was important and it just didn’t stick in my brain.

I’m trying to appreciate the fact that most of the things just don’t matter, the goal is to keep swimming. Most of the things will heal themselves – as it is what is commonly referred to as “chemo brain” coupled with so many other factors and things that I strongly believe are temporary. I have had these experiences before, much like a storm on the beach – I know that they will pass, and that they will resolve themselves, and while there maybe damage, its likely to be short lived, and there will be more or different brain cells for me to teach to do these things, patterns to help me, I am a smart and capable woman. Just have to stop shooting the messenger right now when its so confounded frustrating that I just can’t get that word of the name of the thing that I’m trying to order because its almost out – and I could just go fetch the bottle – but I read the bottle – out loud just before I came out to search and order it. This too shall pass, Alethia, this too shall pass.

Texas has the best things, and the worst things – Allergies. Please seasons, come to the next the “non Allergy season” so my sinus’s will stop trying to stage a revolt and pound in my head. This is one of my pains during isolation, no Acupuncture, no help/relief for this torture.

So many things to be grateful for in this decade of gratitude. Mostly I’ll be extremely grateful for all the learning that people are experiencing and having right now during this time. Its like we all magically get to go to the best school in the world for a brief period and just learn – at our own pace, thru our own baggage and experience a different sort of life- a part of me is so grateful and thankful that everyone is getting to have this experience – its the one I’ve been learning thru since 2016 with cancer, and its the one that most people with cancer experience, as well as most retirees that become less mobile, or aged relatives that are no longer to actively participate in the societal trials of life – they just get to experience the trials of basic necessities. Its a good thing, from a cultural diversity experiment for everyone to have a little personal experience with this, to help build a better, stronger world, and overall potentially a happier society.

I am grateful that we still have electric, water, sewer removal, trash removal and hell we even still have starbucks and delivery. Decade of Gratitude rocks!

I am so thankful for my family, for their staying strong. Its going to be an exciting year for us all. I’m happy to be making positive verifiable progress along my journey. Its overall inspiring.

P took his vacation, and although we didn’t get to take the trip we had planned, the staycation has been amazing. We have another week, and we are enjoying each others company, and getting some projects done together, just great times to be had.

Its kind of a funny thing, I said to the universe last year, when I returned from my trip to Spokane that I really needed a way to get the vitality for life out of something within my home and homebody experiences. I have been struggling with this, and I was longing for the escape that the Oregon trip – I’m kinda an odd lazy about these things, because suddenly when I had a trip on the horizon it was like “oh we can work on this “how to do thing later when the trip is over. The universe said to me “nah” that aint how this works sister – you set out an intention – lets see if we can make this happen for you — I mean, I didnt mean to cause the spanish inquisition, but hrmmmm I did set an intention – my bad – guess I’ll have to get this resolution to my stir craziness – my finding peace in the harmony of my home. Learning all around.

Going to wax on about Intuition. Intuition is this force, its a form of energy, it flows from the source – although it feels like it flows up from the dirt often, or flows down from the clouds depending upon what I’m asking or what I am needing. Sometimes, it feels like it flows like the carebear stare – right into my heart. It always comes out thru my heart, having the energy source from variable places has been something that my mind has been curious about. It feels often, like a child seeking an answer from Mother, Father, or a friend. The answer is there, and its not more right or more wrong depending upon the source, but its often different.

When the answer comes into my heart, it goes thru this filter system. Truth, is one of the filters. However, truth is a very subjective thing, because what is true for me, is not necessarily true for you – and just because its true for me at the moment, doesn’t mean it will be true for me tomorrow, next week, next year. Truth is somewhat a sneaky thing, its only valid in the heartbeat of the moment. While there are “things” that seem to stay constant, that doesn’t necessarily make them truth – although I guess calling them truth makes it a much easier way to discuss them.

Trust. Its based upon experiences, and perception of truth. What I perceive to be expected result is something I can rely on or trust – its a mind thing, but its also a heart thing – its one of those areas where they work together – Mind says “we expect X” – Heart says “well thats ridiculous, how can that possible be…” – Mind says “from past expectation, and from predictable variables” — Heart says “but we know it feels like this, so shouldn’t it just be this instead?” — Mind laughs and says, grow up heart, we know that X+Y= Z – we have told you this a thousand times, when will you learn. Heart pauses, and says “you aren’t always right mind, sometimes, Z becomes M — X becomes <3 and Y becomes 🙂 and the formula becomes <3 + 🙂 = Me. …. Mind says, “sigh, sometimes I just don’t feel you”…… Heart says, ” thats why you have me, to do the feeling, now I feel we can do X and I feel we can do Y – and while I know they should be Z – I feel they will be R instead – can you find some confirmation for R? — Mind says “Well, R does happen sometimes …. you might be right….. And as soon as we feel that “might be right” …. Heart is certain it will be right, and we suddenly believe.

Belief is a powerful thing. It can move mountains, change the face of the planet, change the dimension and atmosphere of our lives, and make impossible things occur at the blink of an eye, with no time or barrriers.

The mind is strong, the heart is powerful, and together they make the intuition to lead us to ultimate cosmic power – Itty Bitty Living space – our bodies after all, in comparison to the size of the universe are relatively itty bitty living spaces. We are pretty much the genie in the lamp – except our wishes are somewhat infinite. We all have the power to make live better for ourselves, those we love, and the world as a whole. Of course, the balance is we all have the power to make decisions to make lives more difficult for ourselves, for those we love, and for the world as a whole. The struggle is letting the heart show the mind the better way, and the less stressful way and the healthier, stronger way that leads us to a more harmonious state of being.

This is an interesting time we are living in. There were some times, back in the 70s and then the 80s and then the 90s and then the early 00s that were interestnig, but I think in hindsight, this time will probably be one that leaves a more lasting impact for longer on many minds, hearts, believes and intuitions than many of the past – although when I think about the creative inspirations that came out of many of those times in music, art, media, machinary, mechanism, medicine – government – its not difficult to say, its all a circle that repeats again and again – going on with the idea that time is a circle, not linear as its easier to postulate.

The universe or god or spirit or whomever you believe and empower with your believes that gives us warnings and signs has shown us many leading signs to this state, many intuitions were and are available of courses that would be easier and kinder to take for this….. It also has provided much information about how to help where we can, who we can, and who to avoid for safety. There are times, when it’s important to pay attention to the message from the flight attendant, and put on your own mask before trying to help someone else. — Can’t really help someone else if your dead.

A smart person, recently reminded me that Virus’s are like unwelcome guests. Its an import thing to remind your cells, that you do NOT welcome them into your body. Your body, your cells enjoy the sound of your voice, your words. It’s important for you to vocalize and rebuke or just state that virus are not welcome in your life, in your heart, in your body temple. Your mind might not believe you, but your cells and your heart will, and your intuition will pat you on the back for wise ways.

Bodies are strong, our cells have the tools of infinity within them. They can heal, they can manifest miraculous things, they can also stop plagues, and wars, and refuse to listen to propaganda. I just have to remember to feed mine, to clean mine, and to thank the creator for helping mine heal.

Had chemo treatment this week – I had to be a PITA patient this week. My oncology doctor, she is being — well I think its noble and I commend her, for donating her time one week every three to the hospital to help with the increased load there. That being said, every three weeks lines up with my chemo treatments, and as I must see my doctor before each treatment – its been 3 treatments since I “saw my doctor” – I’ve been relegated to a PA – don’t get me wrong – this Physician Assistant is great, she is gold star. However, she is not a doctor. I have some — weirdness – My potassium level is being monitored ever week, due to it dropping … dangerously low, and me being prescribed/forced to take 120 MG – 3 horse pills twice a day. While I recognize other people having pressing needs. I too have value, and pressing needs. Seeing my doctor with this weirdness, and also with my recent test (CT/BoneScan/MRI) seemed like “the way” when the nurse recently called to let me know – my dr would not be available, but she could schedule me <again> with the PA – and I a little more … direct than polite, confirmed for her that I really wanted to see my doctor. MY doctors nurse called to explain, and also to let me know that I’d be able to see my doctor “again soon” – and offered to let me delay treatment – which I strongly felt was the WRONG course, so we met with the PA, and I got the treatment – and apparently the universe shifting the week my doctor does hospital things, so the next treatment she should be available to see me – which seems good to me. It “feels” a little rough, trying to surf the wave of “what is the right amount of wave to make” vs “what is the right amount of bend over and take it” to take…. I want to heal as quickly as possible, so I’m riding the intuition wave of “say this not that” – sometimes it feels good, other times it feels – well it mostly makes me wonder. I didn’t want to make that nurses day harder for her calling me and me effectively throwing a fit – but I DID feel justified in my request. I spoke to the specific nurse when I went in for treatment, and she brushed it off like it didn’t matter. I know being a strong patient advocate is something all of the nurses respect, but it still feels bad when you have to make someone else’s day harder to get the best possible result for yourself. Thank you people for helping me.

Have been working thru some old stores of emotional baggage lately. When this happens, something current triggers me to feel X emotion – usually frustration or sadness – apparently I have a shit ton of those stored. And I flash back to some — well the timeline on the old memories is really very broad – most recent was something from high school that suddenly popped into my head as I was crying over some little thing – well suddenly I felt the emotion from the incident then, where I had suppressed the emotion, and I felt my tears releasing it from the cells, felt overall alot better – the emotion from the current thing was alot less than the old thing, but somehow the release worked for both. I’ve been having over the past few months alot of these releases. They generally feel incredible when they are done, they feel like I have released not only some thing that hurt me and was holding me back, but also something very prickly from my body, my body feels softer, and generally I feel filled with warm fuzzies. Its just weird to my mind that I have to truly cry, feeling the sadness well up or the anger or most often the frustration. P is a trooper as he has taken the brunt of these releases, and he has been magnamious with understanding, letting me have the release and talk things out and not judging, or taking it in and just letting me know its okay.

Generally life is good. Life is filled with Blessings – This is the decade of gratitude, maybe we will have more to be grateful for as we move further into this decade. Build the foundations now so we can enjoy and celebrate them later.

There are so many quotes or things that Texans, or really people who are adopted texans like me – talk about. Like the motto “don’t mess with Texas” so so true. Bluebonnets, amazing wildflowers in general, laid back southern hospitality, a community sincerity that is hard to explain to someone who isn’t in or from Texas. – When P and I first moved here, the thing that struck me the most – it was 1999 October, and the people – all of them everywhere you went still said “Merry Christmas” – it wasn’t that they were at all being politically incorrect, or considering at all the possible offense, it was just what they did….. it was the fact that in 1999 you could still write a check to pay for McDonalds, or Convenience store things in Texas – a foreign concept to us being from California. We quickly – as most folks do, adapted and welcomed this charm. There is just something that sticks in your heart about it, people first – is kinda the mantra. I’m not at all claiming texas or texans are perfect – we all have growing, learning, developing to do – but there is something about Texas that – well it just wraps the soul in a warm blanket on a cold night and somehow that makes you feel better.

When I was living originally in Florida – born and raised and spent the first 24 years in – and its a tourist place, a place where people go to visit, vacation, retire – basically its mentality just didn’t meld with mine. I have family and friends that find balance, and chi about this place, they find harmony within it – but somehow it just isn’t for me.

When we moved – right after my 24th birthday to San Diego – I was well, its culture shock. California is really incredible, very different and somehow very much the same as Florida. Its a place where people go to visit, vacation, and retire. Its also a place of glitz and glamour – much like Florida is now to be honest, decades later. It’s also an incredible place of competition and imagination or costumes and fantasy.

Texas has places that are incredible to visit, but it will just never really be a tourist destination. It – like most of the world is a place people retire, but its not exactly a place “people go to retire” – while people vacation here, its also not a vacation destination – we have seasonal thingies – like Renfaires, concerts, and amazing sights to see at specific times – aka Bluebonnet blooming. Overall, we are just a family – and the people who are here, are either part of our family, part of our Families Family that came to visit – or they are students attending one of our Fine Universities – “Go Texas”

There are alot of things about this state, that as an outsider seem – well backward – and I’ll confess as an insider they are often cause for “scratching my head” <– Texas way of saying does not compute. Or another of my favorite Texas expressions “Bless her/his heart” – which basically is the most ridiculous thing because its a way of both shaking the head and totally calling someone a nut job – in the most respectful and polite way while simultaneously hoping and thanking God for taking care of them – God loves the outcasts/underdogs/challenged folks best – thank god I’m one of these!

Dunno why I felt like waxing poetic about Texas today but … The stars at night are big and bright… Deep in the heart of Texas…..

Reached out a day or so ago to an old friend – one I haven’t talked to in … years… not a super close friend, just a really great guy I enjoyed talking to in the course of our job, and enjoyed working with – he is one of my cultural diversity friends – one that grew up in another country (brazil) that just has a very different perspective on life. When we worked together, it was over Finance things, and so our perspective was shared due to common objectives and goals. His knowledge is incredible, but overall his smile and his demeanor are positive and contagious.

Reaching out to him was sorta a spontaneous intuition thing – a new friend – one of the guys in P’s Vet class, that I connected with on the first night – connected with on LinkedIn – a tool I used, and many people use for networking in the confines of business. It is seriously great for recruiters, but also great for connecting with contacts like the first one – friends that you don’t share lives or paths with, but that you are learning from about things that make the world go round from a mental perspective not necessarily from an emotional or a spiritual. Its a tool for data analysts 🙂 – but its a social tool – and new friend was asking me questions, so in the process of answering him I realized I had received many many messages in my time of my current job – “Curing Cancer” – that I hadn’t ever replied to – Old friend was one of these.

I sent him a message – much like when I message or talk to anyone, my heart chakra is open, and the information nearly always comes from my heart – its part of why I’m not particularly well suited for promotion too significantly in business. I am not so much unable but very unwilling to do the necessary evil things to help a business – which supports thousands of people at the expense of one person. Greater good, when it comes with a dollar sign as the definition has always been hard for me to reconcile – I worked in finance (10 years) long enough to mentally grasp and manipulate the concept, but I fear my path and heart will never really be comfortable with the concept of putting money above people.

I think thats why I’m most offended by the HobLob situation. R and T work for Hoblob (aka Hobby Lobby) – the guy that owns this company is a multi BILLIONAIRE – and he has chosen during this difficult time to do a very shrewd business thing. First he tried to get his store/company approved as a – wording is slipping my mind right now, but a “OMG I HAVE TO STAY OPEN DURING THESE TIMES” type of business – which made me laugh – but it was at least a good college try – they managed this for a few days – I’d imagine someone else had the same reaction as me “really? hahahahhahahahha” – When this failed to work, they “went out of business” – closed all the stores, and furloughed all the employees. New term for for me in these times, it basically means “unemployed, until we can afford to open again and then you have a job” — This basically moved the burden from His/Hoblob pocket for all of these poor people to the Gov of the State – Remind me again, but we don’t live in a communist company right? We don’t live in a country where it is all of our responsibility to pay for hard working – and I do mean hard working – these employees work super long hours, and make well – some have been there years and are only making barely 15$ an hour. – I know some personally. Many are making minimum wage. And now they can collect unemployment? Which comes from state funds – already over taxed. But thats okay because no worry – he will have enough money to re-open his business – clearly a flawed model if we are not a communism, if it relies upon the state to get him thru a few weeks/months of a global unexpected (right? we didn’t plan for this to happen? No one expects the spanish inquistion right? No one except the church that generated it – Oh our “church” who runs the country/business of our country? ….. Hrmmm maybe someone expected it) Sufficed to say, from an emotional perspective I’m quite happy his employees will now get “something” in two weeks – these people who all have families, lives and bills to pay, where they were struggling and barely getting by already — atleast the states will give them something in two weeks, YOU ARE MOST WELCOME FOR THE TAX DOLLARS.

./rant – don’t know where that spiderweb came from but I think its out of my system now? maybe? when I let my head take over it goes on these tyrants – gotta keep it focused on the job at hand… speaking of which – I digress.

So old friend, I mentioned to him – and in the course of mentioning, I realized why I dislike all these “check up exams” – MRI/CT/BONE scan – all of which I had last week – PET SCAN/ECHO — all of these, in my current job of Curing Cancer – these are … effectively Performance evaluations. I’ve never liked these. I’ve had some people in my life that tried to put spin on performance evals as a tool for improvement, as a tool for making things better. I grasp the concept of what they are saying, but again, I just can’t put my finger on the truth of it – while I have watched and they are INDEED a tool for getting better jobs, getting promotions, getting more money, getting pretty much all the things you need in your job – I’m somehow missing a tool to go from “you want to tell me how bad I’m doing so you can lay me off, fire me or generally give me more work” to “sure we can give you that, sure we can pay you more” — there is like some river that I need a bridge to cross — (animal crossing reference but again this is a huge spider web so setting it aside) — Sometimes I have gotten good things out of performance reviews, but always I have felt better when they are done. They are a huge trigger for anxiety for me, as I imagine they are for most people. I wish they just had a pass fail system with them, because I’d be pretty confident I wouldn’t fail – particularly on this upcoming one (thursday with doctor) – I mean how can you fail at curing cancer when your still alive 🙂 — I am however always very nervous about what these things will say, and much like in my former jobs, there is usually more doom and gloom than there is sparkling happy light.

I told my therapist last week, before these tests, that I was developing an apathy for them. When I spoke it, I recognized it as a half truth – I was apathetic to the actual tests, because I had come to realize they really weren’t the trigger point. The full truth came out as I typed a “I’m at this status” type of message to this old friend, and jokingly called this weeks appt a “performance review” but the more I think on this, and meditate on it, it really is – its a chance for a doctor to tell me what I’m doing that is working or not working and generally how things go – and I suppose much like in those old ones I had, I’ve come to realize that the doctor/boss really don’t have as much power as I “think” they have – because only I can really tell how I’m doing. Unlike in former jobs, the boss has an agenda – I’d really like to believe doctors are much less so, and I’ve chosen good doctors, so I do feel this is the case. I find it comforting somehow that my doctor moved all his appts – or as many as possible to teledoc – so as to protect himself and his patients, although I will miss the hugs – something about physical contact eliminates the mental anxiety significantly for me. It also somehow puts a positive spin on bad information – but I’ll have P here for that too. I think this is actually pretty important but I also know its because the easiest way to ensure your heart chakra is open is to hug someone – ideally someone you care about. I can honestly say I do care about all of my doctors, part of my screening process the first visit to make them “mine” is to decide if I can care about them or if they are not for me. So hugging my doctor opens my heart chakra and that just puts me calmer, and more able to spin any information to the positive. This has been helpful over the past few years of my life – when alot of the times, the information was not overly positive. Somehow I’m a bit like a leaky faucet, plug one leak and the water finds another hole to come out of….

I’ve been crying alot lately. This is quite an unusual situation for me. However, I can say, it honestly feels great afterwards. The well of emotions that get realized to generate the tears have sometimes been decades old, and letting them out and letting them go has well, other than just making me happy has made me lighter, and generally felt better, its like a laundry mat for my body. The tears are definitely sadness or frustration that I have held onto in my cells, and now I need that space to fill with love and light to help fight the cancer cells.

There were a couple interesting videos by Dr. Berg recently, and they spiderwebbed P&I into a couple others – About Vitd being a necessary component for Immune function – which I’ve been taking for years now. Also about Zinc being a tool in the arsenal for this particular virus but virus’s in general – there was also a spiritual tool that came to me from an unexpected source about Virus’s being invading spiritual entities, and with this knowledge you have the right and the obligation to “evict” them from your surroundings and block them like immigration from your body. This isn’t just about taking physical protection, its about telling them specifically with your voice, and your heart to “stay away” “Access denied” – although good hygiene and social distancing protocols work pretty good too – if they never try and come into your body, the do not enter sign is still a good thing to have. — Other video was about the RNA sequencing – which I learned alot about – even with my chemo brain – had to pause many times for P to confirm/explain what we just watched, so a 10 minute medical video turned into about 45 minutes of watching. It struck off an intuition for me however, about how DNA is where cancer starts, and that is where I’m working on correcting it now, it was kind of a grass roots evolution of my spiritual goals – and I feel that it was a better performance evaluation than this doctor has the power to give – because in this job I currently have, I’ve got a ton of bosses, not just one – Lucky Me.

Made some soup again this week, it turned out better than last week, but it also had alot of cabbage – which someone I find makes just this incredible soup. My spices in the soup change each week depending upon my mood and what tastes/sounds good – and honestly so do the veggies “whats left that is about to turn that we don’t have a plan for” – goes into the soup. Its amazing to me how a little hot water, and some flavored dirt with a few lingering growths of earth turn into this magical mix of harmony and abundance after a couple of hours of bubbling together. Good metaphor for these times, and the people we care about in our lives. Its a good time to reach out and hold a hand, or say a blessing, or express gratitude. The more you do of things the more the universe returns those things to you.

I’m trying to eliminate getting angry and frustrated. There is really very little to be angry or frustrated about, I’m alive, I get to enjoy the sunrise again, the sunset again, I have so many blessings upcoming, so many things I will be getting to do. Sure somethings are not going to go as expected, but I am adaptable, I am capable of moving past things, and there aren’t alot of people – atleast none actively in my life or circles – that go out of their way to do things to make me angry – most of it is just my misinterpretation of their intent, or their intent not going according to my plan. I can communicate to them where the bridge failed to cross at the desired path, and I can change my plan – these are things I can do because I have a body, I have a mind, I have a heart, I have a spirit. I’m alive. Once I’m dead – hopefully far from now – 87 is my current goal/objective, once I’m dead, there will be plenty of time for these things, but right now, they only take away from my job and my pleasure, and generally self replicate – the same was as joy and blessings. More Joy, More Blessings, More happiness.

This has made me happy. Thank you life for the journey.

Have always had … versatile dreams. Some that told a story, some that let me work things out – some that were prophetic – some that told a history – some that were just purely fantasy … .many many types of dreams for many types of times.

Was awoken early today after a very odd nightmare. My nightmares tend to be from what I’ve allowed myself to be exposed to, and an expression of feelings I’d rather not be experiencing. Either due to them being inconvenient, not tactful, not appropriate, or just generally irreconcilable. Round pot in a Square hole type of thing …

Tonights Nightmare was one of those things. My neighbors, I call them the tree killer family – mostly they got this nickname, because the very first action they took upon moving in – I’m not even sure the moving had commenced, but within the first 1-2 days of them actually “owning” this house, was to chop down trees. I watched the neighbors that had lived in that house nearly 20 years ago when we moved into our house, I watched this woman and her husband plant all these trees. Watched them water and tend them thru hot summer and cold winter days. Watched them turn from little sprouts into full grown trees. This man, this family the new one, the first thing they felt was a priority for their new house was to immediately chop down trees.

Not going to lie, this set a tone with me that I’m not sure is overly malleable. Trees are important. They cover unsightly things, they camo areas between houses that in suburbia are built entirely too close. They camo construction in back areas. They provide needed shade for grass, and wildlife, they provide oxygen. They have and tell a story of the seasons, the weather, and the overall atmosphere of a place. They provide oxygen, and they take a very long and slow time and process to grow. This family, this tree killer family, chose these things to set the tone for their new life – I mean what sets this tone? It isn’t like we have septic that the roots could possible be damaging, they are way far in the back so there is no way the roots were hitting the house foundation or branches leaning into that, they were camoing the electric box, but still allowing access. I have thought thru in the few years since this has occured to try and rationalize this action. What possible could have motivated it. I still seek to do this…. figure out some logic that makes it an understandable action. To me, it was nothing more than a peepee action, the guy had to show off his big peepee by chopping down some wood. Well sir, you have done it and you will forever in my mind be named the tree killer, and your entire household will be the tree killers. The tree killer wife – who walks the dog typically twice a day, which I find rather endearing. The tree killer daughter, who screams loudly and annoyingly and bosses the other children, shrill sound to her voice. The tree killer son, who doesn’t talk much but its usually excited when he does, seems to enjoy the outside quite a bit – I wonder if you would have enjoyed those trees. And tree killer dog, who likes to sneak thru the fence and torment Starbuck – I know buddy your trying mostly to make friends, I’ve seen your action when you come to my back door to show off your escapism prowess, and also to beg me for treats, but go home to your family and stop scaring my dog.

Sufficed to say, the nightmare was about this tree killer family. First the tree killer dog had escaped into my lawn <again> this happens a couple times a month. I happened to be outside, and I walked him thru the fence gate, which was wide open – oddly but the lawn guy had come today, so the thought that ran thru my dreaming mind was “oh he left it open, good catch, I can close it”….. As I got to the gate to close it, there was a pile of crap/trash/discarded furniture and chotchkis stacked – a larger stack – on the outside of my garage, just beyond the gate – if I hadn’t noticed the gate open it might have been some time before we noticed this nonsense stacked here. It was clearly discarded nonsense, and clearly stacked in a place out of sight out of mind, but clearly our place, not the TK family place.

This made me very angry. Probably more angry than it should have to be honest. Typically I’d just deal with it, but with conditions in the world as they are, no way I’m touching other peoples nonsense with out some sort of protection, and more importantly deal with your own nonsense peeps, I don’t need another reason to have more than just apathy towards you. I went in and told P & R – they were livid as well, I went back and I knocked on the door, tree kill family all presented at the door. Tree killer himself was laughing or trying to stifle a laugh. I immediately said, what are you doing, and why is your garbage outside of my house? No answer came forth. the wife started laughing, the kids less so, clearly they had been the ones to do the heavy lifting for this stuff, and they could see it was moving again time soon. I expressed an ultimatum. I told them either move the stuff or I was calling the police, they had ten minutes to comply. I had other issues I was dealing with and I didn’t need this nonsense in my life.

As the dream progressed….. The trash started disappearing, I started going into the house, and my water bottle was suddenly lost. I was spending a large amount of time searching for this water bottle, I was thirsty and it was one of those things I try to keep with me regularly so I have a means of accommodating my thirst. One would have thought that the trash being removed would have been the end, but NOT SO! R came to inform me that perhaps I should come back outside, as there was clearly more to this story onfolding.

As I went back outside, the garage – our garage was open, and they had started filling in “other trash – other furniture, chotchkies, and the like” — I’m calling this trash, it was very donatable stuff, but it was “stuff” not mine, not ours, used, dirty, and basically in need of “being dealt with” – NOT BY ME. And they were stuffing my garage full – I should say “more full” as my garage was already pretty full – overstuffing my garage with this nonsense, so much so – even in this brief period of time, so that it was flowing out into the driveway, which was suddenly larger, with lots of space for this stuff, because it just kept going and going, there was just so much of it. Because as I picked up the phone and called the police, and they ended up transferring me to Costco? – who apparently has a service for dealing with these types of “issues” – The “costco” lady showed up and explained to the tree killer family – who had been laughing and smug the entire time, that they would need to remove this stuff, and deal with it. And there was some confusion about where their “stuff” ended and ours began. I was just so so overwhelmed and confused, and frustrated. I recall these feelings very well.

After all the things had been moved, and the tree killer family returned to their home – I’ve no idea where they moved the things to, they just suddenly disappeared – solving my issue. I woke up, with an odd sense of confusion. Overall, I’m calling it a nightmare, because the thought of this occurring is truly frightening to me – such is the works of nightmares. But overall, it has left me dazed and confused? What is my subconscious trying to teach me? Every dream has a meaning, even if its telling you “don’t eat that crap so late at night” – this isn’t one of those cases, but still. What meaning is there in this dream?

I know I have a full day today, and it was extremely hard to get back to sleep but I did manage a couple more hours after, even if that was all I could get…. Tests are today, and second hormone suppression shot. Its kinda a long annoying day, but R has volunteered to accompany me, which should make it alot better, nicer, and overall great.

I made soup yesterday, it turned out super great, and I’m sharing it with family. Ive been using a lot more coriander, as there was a study in Israel about Coriander and Lemon helping the body resolve cancer. It tastes good and has healthy benefits to my body, whats not to love. For now, I’m going to go relax, and try not to obsess too much on this dream, or the activities of the day, they will unfold on their own in a few hours without my struggling to control them.