Monthly Archives: June 2015

Learning, Spiritual, Stream of Consciousness

Losing your kibbles and other hidden gems

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That expression “Losing your shit”… is so amusing to me, its sort of the antithesis of what it normally means.

When you lose something, particularly when its “shit” — typically your happy about this, I mean who doesn’t like a decent BM now and again.

Losing something can sometimes be positive or negative, depending upon if the lost noun is something you were hoping to maintain or were glad to be rid of…

That expression of “losing your shit” … going nuts, just well, it just makes me laugh. I’ve been around people who have lost their shit, and let me just tell you — its sometimes scary in the moment, but its normally amusing, because the things people tend to lose their shit over, are so so not worth the amount of poo being tossed around.

For example, the lady that loses her shit over her drink being wrong at Starbucks – I mean, what does that even mean?

The guy that loses his shit over someone cutting in front of him and taking his space…

Small universe vs Large universe.

Its interesting to me that “spending” also has a similarly odd element to it also…

I mean in the small universe, no one would think much at all of putting an extra coin into a vending machine to help a friend, but donate 1000 dollars to a cause that feeds thousands… well, we don’t treat these things the same way.

Magnanimous and Over-reactive in the micro –> Aloof and Ambivalent in the macro…..

The illusion of self has us all confused, and confirmed to thinking only in the micro –> hidden away from the pure reality of the macro — the oneness of everything all together.

The balance of things. Always makes me think of that see-saw thing, where when we are up, someone else is by very definition down, and when we are down, someone else is up… the trick is to see the up and down as one and the same, and to embrace them both.

I dunno, maybe its just humor 101 for me today 🙂 Weird moments of oddity seem to be prolific around me recently… here is to hoping that the beat continues to go on…

Family, General, Health, Learning, Spiritual, Stream of Consciousness

Shake it up

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Song comes to mind “Shake it off” by Taylor Swift — I seem to be doing A LOT of this lately.

Even as I type this…. sometimes, I’ve found and I’m trying to learn — its best to keep the personal diatribes to yourself.

Sufficed to say, I was a bit too outgoing with my thoughts, and ended up with more work.

On the one conversation, the work might be productive, and end up resolving the issue, however its messy and annoying and will be uncomfortable throughout the process.

On the other conversation, the outcome is just annoying, and it left me more frustrated then resolved. Now not only do I have this thing I want to hash out, but I have the drama associated with having let someone else in on the information.

People, generally are annoying. I’m not saying they suck or don’t suck – they both suck and don’t suck as may or may not be applicable and appropriate at one time or another — I mean I know I suck sometimes — I did cut in line in front of that guy, and pretend that it might have actually been my turn, even though I knew it wasn’t really my turn. I did say that thing that was brash and blunt and caused the person to be annoyed, frustrated or hurt. I’m not exempting myself from the annoying and sucking or not sucking part.

Just having one of those days, that I wish I were a squirrel. Let the pup out a few minutes ago, and as I was talking him into doing his business — yes you heard me correctly, he likes to be persuaded, otherwise, he will play the game of “Oh oh I need to go now, no wait…. Oh oh , its now… no … maybe…” for the next few hours. So I was persuading him to do his business.
When a squirrel on the other side of the fence all the sudden started chirping at me.

I feel like I need to chirp at someone. Just you know, sorta let it all out – not in specific context, just let myself be freed from the annoyance, frustration, and indecision.

Open myself to the infinite possibility of being in the moment, and realizing that none of the other stuff matters. Sure it seems like OMGITHASTOBETHISWAYORELSE … but really, in reality — and I do mean True Reality. It doesn’t matter.

Yellow will still be yellow, and pink will still be pink, and the sun will still rise in the east… Infinite cosmic power, itty bitty living space.

Breathe.

So it was another day, I got to hear from a very good friend of mine today, and listen in on her dramas. Sometimes, well often in fact, its nice to do this … Just sit back and listen, and be thankful that the experiences of others are not mine. Both for the challenges and the triumphs… not mine. Mine are my own, unique, and utterly insignificant to others 😉

Human, the ultimate spec of dust.

I did have a funny epiphany on the way home – as I was suffering with a mean mean case of emotional eating craving… I think that needs an acronym going forward.. EEC, yeah I had a bad case of EEC. What a world it would be if I could turn my compass, and direct my EEC at exercise instead of eating. I’d be the most fit person in the whole world. Maybe this is what my friends – the ones I’ve dubbed “fitness nuts” are really doing – maybe there is some secret power to re-form that EEC… I remember snip-its — yes I’m getting old — of a scifi episode where the were a mutation re-writing dna and mutating people into other things… maybe I just need that thing-a-may-bobber to change my filter from food to fitness… from hungry to healthy… from weight (the belly type) to weight (the lifting type)… Flab to Fit… hrmmm amazing how many of the letters are so close together… why has this never occurred to me before?

It must be another one of those imaginary lies… you know the type … I have had many in my history… maybe emotional eating really used to be emotional exercise, but people were having heart attacks or pulling muscles, and so they decided “just eat away that pain”… hrmmm I can’t even fathom how that could have occurred, but imagination is a wonderful thing.

Will have to give this some more thought.

Stream of Consciousness

Sometimes you feel like a nut…

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Sometimes you don’t…

So, I seem to recall mentioning back in a previous blog, or post somewhere… in a galaxy far away, about my relationship to Monday’s.

Today was in line with that general train of thought.

Monday’s & I have a tenuous détente at best, in many cases we struggle back and forth with open warfare.

How does one wage against a day of the week? Quite simple. I do not accept Monday as the beginning of my week. My week begins on Sunday.

When in the course of my weekend activities; it becomes necessary through overindulgence of the Saturday evening activities to not begin my week on Sunday, or to unfortunately begin my week late… it starts my whole week off in a downward spiral, that Monday usually ceases upon as an open opportunity to retaliate.

Starting the week properly. Lets define for a moment. Waking up as or near to when the sunrises. Enjoying, in an ideal case the sunrise, or the moments of quiet when nature hasn’t quite finished shaking off the humble night visages.

Coffee, followed by more coffee, copious amounts to be honest of the java brewed substance; the better the bean, roast, brew, the better the week.

Breakfast – Ideally this consists of protein, carb & fruit… typically my go-to choice is pancakes, not particularly healthy but tasty to make up for the difference.

Breathing, relaxing, meditating — some form of soothing self time 20 minutes or so to remember that I’m a human being, and that I’m loved, adored and perfect in my own form and shape.

Then onto the rest of the day, a balance of chores, cleaning, laundry, gaming, Husband & pup time…. rounded at the end with quiet conversation time to start the week on a solid functional routine role.

This week did not begin in this manner. Struggling with myself to get into a rhythm and finding that the song keeps changing pace.

Today was a day that will not go down in the hall of fame as my best, nor my worst, it will be one of those days, when I did somethings very right, and sometimes less right then I could have done them. I will learn from the things I did today, I will grow, evolve and become stronger. The next time these challenges present themselves, I will create new ways of handling them to develop better resolution.

But for now, I think I’ll just go find some more of that coffee, so I can get the caffeine monkey to shut the hell up and stop pounding on my head.

Stream of Consciousness

Glad you Came

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“The sun goes down, the stars come out, and all we have is here and now. My universe will never be the same…” ~ Glad you came — By The Wanted.

Plan for the one thing, and contingency for the other – thoughts, minds, words, feelings, actions… need more actions.

Had the oddest person tell me that they loved me last night – sometimes when people say the precise thing that you need them to say; but its the most unexpected it its like mom with the warm cookies and cup of milk after a hard day schlepping through the halls. Of course, I don’t recall my own mother ever presenting me with warm cookies and a cup of milk after a long day… but the feeling still is one I recognize as being … a warm blanket on a cold night. Thank you friend.

Sometimes the smallest details seem like such huge obstacles. Sometimes other people’s growing and learning gets in the way of our plans. Breathing, its the most natural thing, we take it so much for granted, and focusing on it seems such a remarkable easy thing to center. Its free, has no strings attached, and in addition to all the work the lungs are doing to purify our bodies, this small tiny focused concentrated effort not only enhances our own feeling of well being, it truly does contribute to the betterment of society in the grand scheme of things.

Snapshots remind me of times and places, I have noticed, that so many of the times and places I specifically chose to remember are wide cosmic greatness scenes, and not ones that happen to include me in the photo. This is something I really should work on improving. Infinite cosmic power, and little old me….. Next time!

Finally got my soul mandala art work piece, long story about this, and to be honest, still not completely certain how I feel about it or the full circle of the endeavor. Its pretty, and I can easily pick out the pieces within the piece that give me pause, but allow me to resonate with its authenticity. There are elements in it though, that really seem … well, I apparently still have some “getting to know me” stuff to work on, because there are some truly wonderful aspects that I have taken for granted. Its kind of like when you get that compliment on breathing — You breath well –… Um, Thank you?

The trouble with letting muscles atrophy is that it takes some effort to get them back into shape and form, but its better to be moving them then to continue to stagnate, so I’ll let this one be short, and consider this a work out — all be it short.

Books, Family, Health, Learning, Spiritual

In the moment

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Published 2 old drafts that had kept me from progressing. Listening to a book these days… very good book actually, through Audible, that basically reminded me that when you figure out something that you are supposed to be doing, and are passionate about, your the only person that keeps yourself from doing it.

So I’m doing it.

Habits and patterns are tenuous things – they sprawl around in our lives, causing all types of action and consequence.

Harnessing the good ones, and minimizing the bad ones, or overwriting them is what I’m working on now. Its sort of like clearing out the rubble before you can plant a garden.

I wonder how people do that every year without feeling the frustration I’m feeling now. How do you clear out the same space over and over again, and feel empowered by the effort instead of kicking yourself while your down.

That concept of fake it till you make it only takes you so far, I’m very good at faking it – Yeah Baby. I don’t want to fake it, doesn’t really serve me.

This book, it helped me seize the day, the moment for a brief moment in time, and I realized how far far away from it I was…. stepping into that whoosh feeling of being connected to the universe, and spirit, and creation — and I was crying. Realizing how much I’d missed that… Its a simple thing for me, to step back into that moment, I know precisely how to take myself there in a breath, a heartbeat….. but I get so distracted by the mundane, I had failed to realize how truly long it had been before I’d frolicked in that moment for a bit.

I consciously spent many hours pushing myself back into it over the course of this week, and I am feeling so much better, its hard to understand why I continue to let myself drift away from it.

The glitz and glamour of the distractions I guess…. Shiny Treasures. So so easily distracted, its a wonder I can stay focused on anything – including this post – for more than a few moments.

About to be an Aunt – for the 5th time, but somehow this time feels alot more like the first, I wasn’t so close to any of my other nieces & nephews births or wee lives, and they all live a distance from me even now. Plus being able to share in the joy of these two is … priceless. Its such a magic thing, and I am hopeful to see that sweet little angel soon.

This is an odd year, 2015. Its a culmination of a 2 year growing cycle, and as I reflect upon this I see some of the correct paths I’ve trod, and some of the less beneficial ones I’ve dabbled along. Spirit has sent me many guides and messengers to let me know that I’ma bout to embark upon the next 2 year cycle, and I’m very very curious.

We have some strange things afoot at the Casa this year – things I’ve been wishing and hoping for over the past few cycles, will likely come to fruition this year. Its a little overwhelming and frightening to be honest; its always amusing to me how I put these large goals up on a height, and then tirelessly work towards them, only to be scared to death once I actually get close to achieving them. Its like my consciousness is this naysaying ninny, that has no faith in my subconscious and ability to manifest. I_Know_I_Can_Manifest. I have done it so many countless times in my life, the only thing I lack is focus.

I’ve read many times about people learning the bow and arrow, and how you focus, you have to clear your head and be the target, same with firing a gun I’d imagine, but something about firing a gun still feels very very wrong to me. Gunpowder is not meant to kill people. That focus, that single minded intent of clearing your mind, centering your breath, stilling your body and being one with the target, in order to reach the target. That faith and believe in your own accuracy and aim and that removal of second guessing or hesitation.

Thats how you manifest.

Eye on the prize, heart centered and focused.

Time for me to pick a new target, right now, I’m floundering in a sea of possibilities, with out an oar or compass.

Had this weird thought the other day, there are a few people that are alive that I’d like to meet. I’d like to share tea or in a few cases a beer with them. I’ve had meditative conversations with all of them a few times, and I know its a possibility to cross our paths, but I hesitate to manifest it because I’m hoping the universe will provide me with some goal or purpose that will match up with this desire. Other than the sheer vanity aspect of being able to say “I had tea once with … “… I mean, I do have a vanity streak, but I’d like to believe I’m not quite that vain.

Yoga teaching keeps coming up in my meditations. I like yoga, the way it makes me feel, the empowering sense of connecting my mind with my body and breath and the centeredness of action in spirit. I very much enjoy teaching – I’ve just never really seriously considered this path as constructive for me…. Maybe its time to ponder on this one some more.

I think this is a good start for re-joining with my passion, so I’ll leave here, and go off to take P out for some much needed refreshment.

General, Health, Learning, Spiritual

Taste of life

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The taste of sunrise, the taste of morning breath, the taste of that first sip of coffee, the taste of the feeling of having overeatten, feeling miserable overly full… The Taste of relaxation, the taste of tears from overflowing rush of emotions… the Taste of sorrow, of Grief, of Joy, elation, excitement, of surprise… The tastes of life..

Family, Learning

Genie out of the bottle, Cat out of the Bag, Writing on the wall…

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99 Red Balloons, 99 Bottles of Beer on the wall, 99 Problems, 99 Metaphors… but why did you have to go and try and kill yourself?

A dear friend, and coincidentally family member decided that life was too much, and tried to end his suffering.

My head took over, when my heart checked out at the news. My head is very logical, clinical, and was seeking to restore balance and harmony into my body and energy. Balance was clearly broken. This was a frustration. My head decided that it was easiest to be Angry.

Yes, Anger would work. When all else fails, and the heart is hurt, lash out and be angry. Anger is something my mind can understand, hurt is not.

My mind started tearing through my personal history for times when I have been angry. How did we process this in the past…. Surprisingly, there aren’t many. This is not to say I don’t get annoyed, mad, or agitated – this happens, and more frequent then I’d like or hope to experience — but Anger, bordered on Rage – this is not a response I am very well equipped to accomodate.

From my emotional growth and enlightenment exercises, I recognize that anger is one of the more toxic emotional states one can have, it literally poisons the organs of the body. The body is not designed to sustain this emotion, and has no defense to contain it, it must allow the anger to run rampant through the body raging_against_the_machine — as it were.

So, my mind and my heart decided I needed to have a pow-wow – after a day of coping through anger, I was exhausted, and realized that this would NOT be something I’d be able to prevent doing critical damage to myself to hold onto.

I did some self therapy and drank myself into release. While I’ll acknowledge that this is not a particularly constructive method for dealing with anger – it was perhaps less destructive then my initial idea to hire someone to let me beat the crap out of them — considering I don’t really know how to do this, it would likely have been more injurious to me then to them – not to mention the all sorts of red flags from a sensible rational human perspective about the wrongness of intentionally hurting another. So I drank – it was good beer — I’ve sort of developed a taste for IPA lately. It took a little more than I would have liked – 5 beers over about 2 hours. But I was finally uninhibited enough for my brain to shut off the anger and for my heart to cry out in anguish.

How could someone do this to me? How could they change all of my world, by trying to intentionally change the course of destiny? How could they be so cruel, so heartless, so selfish? From my perspective, suicide is one of the most selfish things one can accomplish. Choosing to try and shift the plans of this lifeline, to force them to artificially conform to some alternative, for the sake of a temporary relief to the self imagined feeling of helplessness is just — selfish.

No person is an island, every other person has an impact on every other person in this life. The kind thought, the kind word, the smile, the hug, the touch – all of these things have an impact. Trying to remove yourself from the playing field because of lacking the skills to deal is just not the best option. There is always help, there is always hope. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like it, I too have and share despair, hopelessness, pain. In those times of darkness, I remember that there is always light. Darkness can not exist without light. I find comfort and solace in remembering that the darkness is just the shadow of my present circumstances, both my choices and the conditions beyond my control temporarily blocking the light, and I have the power to make different choices to let the light shine brighter. To change my circumstances for the better.

I had talked to this person about suicide in the past, we had talked through about these feelings and reaching out for a lifeline, a support, a friend – I had reached out to this person, and offered to always be an ear, always offer a word of encouragement, a kick in the ass, or a general shoulder to cry upon. It was my deepest belief that this person knew they were cherished, loved, admired, and respected. Clearly this was not the case.

While I do not take responsibility for the choices this person made, it is very hard for me to reconcile the hurt and broken trust I feel. While I have walked through the anger, and have embraced the hurt, I still feel betrayed. I feel like my words and love were not only not accepted, they were not welcome. That this person could not reach out to me in their darkest moments, to ask for my help – hurts.

There are not many people that I would allow to hurt me this way, while I generally love most all of humanity and while I would generally be a willing listener to most people in dire straights, there are not many that I make this true and realistic offer unconditionally. I do not walk in front of the moving truck for mostpeople – while I would try and wave, scream or move them out of the way, or get the truck to stop – I would not walk in front of the truck for most people. This person is one of the ones I would consider to be amongst the few I would — would have…. Right now I don’t know.

I feel lost. I feel dazed and confused. It feels like I’m in this desert of sand and just looking for that drop of rain. How do I trust this person again to not hurt me? I’ve read the statistics, the likelihood is that he will try again, and trying again ultimately he will be successful. This is the numbers speaking. I know from a spiritual perspective, that it doesn’t matter one way or the other, if he made this commitment before he joined into this body in this lifeline, that it will happen. I do not have control over this, its not that I ever did, but I thought this was not a concern – and now it is a concern.

How can I value someones life higher than they value it themselves? How could I have been so stupid to value his life when he did not?

I just don’t understand. My heart is making all sorts of excuses for him. Well he was in pain, well he was hurt, well he had a bad day, well he was in a bad place, well he felt the loss and the grief and had no support — but it always comes back to that, no support – and that is a lie. He had support, he pushed it away … why did he push it away?

That expression “you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink” — all the water in the world won’t help a thirsty man if he refuses to take the cup and drink the water…..

We only have each other for support in this life. We can only take what we each say and believe it or disregard it – I offered him support, and he didn’t take it. I offered him advice, suggestions, recommendations…

I keep going through the motions, go to work, play games, play with dog, clean the house, sleep, shower, shit, shave – but its not helping the hurt be any less, and its not helping the others who were hurt.

They seemed to have a plan, I went with it – they had some idea of a solution or a fix. …. Maybe it will help.

More prayer, more rest, more being good to myself. Time, more time.