The taste of sunrise, the taste of morning breath, the taste of that first sip of coffee, the taste of the feeling of having overeatten, feeling miserable overly full… The Taste of relaxation, the taste of tears from overflowing rush of emotions… the Taste of sorrow, of Grief, of Joy, elation, excitement, of surprise… The tastes of life..
Category Archives: Learning
Genie out of the bottle, Cat out of the Bag, Writing on the wall…
99 Red Balloons, 99 Bottles of Beer on the wall, 99 Problems, 99 Metaphors… but why did you have to go and try and kill yourself?
A dear friend, and coincidentally family member decided that life was too much, and tried to end his suffering.
My head took over, when my heart checked out at the news. My head is very logical, clinical, and was seeking to restore balance and harmony into my body and energy. Balance was clearly broken. This was a frustration. My head decided that it was easiest to be Angry.
Yes, Anger would work. When all else fails, and the heart is hurt, lash out and be angry. Anger is something my mind can understand, hurt is not.
My mind started tearing through my personal history for times when I have been angry. How did we process this in the past…. Surprisingly, there aren’t many. This is not to say I don’t get annoyed, mad, or agitated – this happens, and more frequent then I’d like or hope to experience — but Anger, bordered on Rage – this is not a response I am very well equipped to accomodate.
From my emotional growth and enlightenment exercises, I recognize that anger is one of the more toxic emotional states one can have, it literally poisons the organs of the body. The body is not designed to sustain this emotion, and has no defense to contain it, it must allow the anger to run rampant through the body raging_against_the_machine — as it were.
So, my mind and my heart decided I needed to have a pow-wow – after a day of coping through anger, I was exhausted, and realized that this would NOT be something I’d be able to prevent doing critical damage to myself to hold onto.
I did some self therapy and drank myself into release. While I’ll acknowledge that this is not a particularly constructive method for dealing with anger – it was perhaps less destructive then my initial idea to hire someone to let me beat the crap out of them — considering I don’t really know how to do this, it would likely have been more injurious to me then to them – not to mention the all sorts of red flags from a sensible rational human perspective about the wrongness of intentionally hurting another. So I drank – it was good beer — I’ve sort of developed a taste for IPA lately. It took a little more than I would have liked – 5 beers over about 2 hours. But I was finally uninhibited enough for my brain to shut off the anger and for my heart to cry out in anguish.
How could someone do this to me? How could they change all of my world, by trying to intentionally change the course of destiny? How could they be so cruel, so heartless, so selfish? From my perspective, suicide is one of the most selfish things one can accomplish. Choosing to try and shift the plans of this lifeline, to force them to artificially conform to some alternative, for the sake of a temporary relief to the self imagined feeling of helplessness is just — selfish.
No person is an island, every other person has an impact on every other person in this life. The kind thought, the kind word, the smile, the hug, the touch – all of these things have an impact. Trying to remove yourself from the playing field because of lacking the skills to deal is just not the best option. There is always help, there is always hope. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like it, I too have and share despair, hopelessness, pain. In those times of darkness, I remember that there is always light. Darkness can not exist without light. I find comfort and solace in remembering that the darkness is just the shadow of my present circumstances, both my choices and the conditions beyond my control temporarily blocking the light, and I have the power to make different choices to let the light shine brighter. To change my circumstances for the better.
I had talked to this person about suicide in the past, we had talked through about these feelings and reaching out for a lifeline, a support, a friend – I had reached out to this person, and offered to always be an ear, always offer a word of encouragement, a kick in the ass, or a general shoulder to cry upon. It was my deepest belief that this person knew they were cherished, loved, admired, and respected. Clearly this was not the case.
While I do not take responsibility for the choices this person made, it is very hard for me to reconcile the hurt and broken trust I feel. While I have walked through the anger, and have embraced the hurt, I still feel betrayed. I feel like my words and love were not only not accepted, they were not welcome. That this person could not reach out to me in their darkest moments, to ask for my help – hurts.
There are not many people that I would allow to hurt me this way, while I generally love most all of humanity and while I would generally be a willing listener to most people in dire straights, there are not many that I make this true and realistic offer unconditionally. I do not walk in front of the moving truck for mostpeople – while I would try and wave, scream or move them out of the way, or get the truck to stop – I would not walk in front of the truck for most people. This person is one of the ones I would consider to be amongst the few I would — would have…. Right now I don’t know.
I feel lost. I feel dazed and confused. It feels like I’m in this desert of sand and just looking for that drop of rain. How do I trust this person again to not hurt me? I’ve read the statistics, the likelihood is that he will try again, and trying again ultimately he will be successful. This is the numbers speaking. I know from a spiritual perspective, that it doesn’t matter one way or the other, if he made this commitment before he joined into this body in this lifeline, that it will happen. I do not have control over this, its not that I ever did, but I thought this was not a concern – and now it is a concern.
How can I value someones life higher than they value it themselves? How could I have been so stupid to value his life when he did not?
I just don’t understand. My heart is making all sorts of excuses for him. Well he was in pain, well he was hurt, well he had a bad day, well he was in a bad place, well he felt the loss and the grief and had no support — but it always comes back to that, no support – and that is a lie. He had support, he pushed it away … why did he push it away?
That expression “you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink” — all the water in the world won’t help a thirsty man if he refuses to take the cup and drink the water…..
We only have each other for support in this life. We can only take what we each say and believe it or disregard it – I offered him support, and he didn’t take it. I offered him advice, suggestions, recommendations…
I keep going through the motions, go to work, play games, play with dog, clean the house, sleep, shower, shit, shave – but its not helping the hurt be any less, and its not helping the others who were hurt.
They seemed to have a plan, I went with it – they had some idea of a solution or a fix. …. Maybe it will help.
More prayer, more rest, more being good to myself. Time, more time.
Mad Caucus race and other round maps
Another good quote is: “Everytime she finds a minute thats the minute they begin it” — From Disney’s Cinderella.
Time for a brain dump, or so my guides have indicated to me. I seem to be a bit of a slacker about this, and seem to like to be overly melodramatic about “waiting” to post, when really its just pure slacker.
Reading a very interesting book about Habits – why we have them and how to shape form mold them. “The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and …”
It is definitely providing some much needed food for thought about where I am and how to get to where I want to go, whilst also explaining the where I detoured and what caused those patterns.
Many things going on, not sure where to start. We took the trip to NY – and it was educational – it is not a place I would chose to return, hopefully the universe does not require this of me. It was not a horrible trip, in the sense that I accomplished what I had hoped, and found pleasure in the little things – it was however much more of a working trip then a vacation.
Speaking of working – Stress is an interesting beast. Its definitely a lower elemental form, and while it is a highly enticing title and description to utilize, best to not give this one any more power than necessary. There is really no such thing as stress for me, there are conditions I am able to accommodate with the tools I have at present, and there are conditions that are beyond my ability to handle and require me to learn rapidly new tools. This year has been greatly filled with the latter, and while it would seem like a welcome condition to request more of the former, I am evolved enough to recognize that there is a balance in both, and while I do not perceive the balance at this moment in time, it is progressing as it should.
We have a new pool – its P’s pool really, for me its somewhat a chlorinated heavily hot tub. That is not to say I am unhappy about the pool – more that its urgency and need was not my own driving force. It certainly is nice, and it will especially be nice on cold winter evenings and weekends. P has been using it extensively, which is quite nice to see – score another one for me about knowing and timing.
Right now it feels to me like I’m on one of those very very long road trips, where the journey is more than halfway over, but the brunt of the trip is still lying ahead. There are some lag times, long times of very little scenery and quite moments ore reflection, but they seem to be frequently punctured by the noise of horns, blares of sirens, and general ambient lively distractions.
I did a stupid female thing the other weekend. I was turning and missed an extra median in the road, and drove my little electric car over the curb – popping both the front and rear driver side tires. While I was quite blessed that it was only the tires that were popped, having no damage to the car itself or even the rims, it was a quiet respite, it was an unusual condition to have some what of an enigma in the sense that I had done something “dumb” that afforded me the luxury of something I had highly craved. Quiet time to contemplate.
They are doing renovations at my “Muggle Job” – to coin a phrase my dear sister has started using, and I decided I have found it endearing. My Muggle Job is doing office renovations. They managed to blow up enough dust and dirt to make nearly the entire department sick. Many of us were out for almost a week – I guess this is what comes from turning a warehouse into an office with the lowest possible margin of cost. Not to say it was cheap – heh far from it.
This would be the same Muggle Job that sees fit to give and to take from me nearly in the same breath on a repeating schedule of oddity. Promote here, Punish there – Reward here, Chastise there — I don’t get it. Sufficed to say, I’ll leave it up to the muggles to figure it out, and spend more of my time and energy focusing on the important things in life.
As I mentioned previously, the universe is driving me towards decisions about a few things, but presenting me with challenging opportunities to clearly decide things. For example, for this coming weekend, there were actually 4 available opportunities for me to allocate my time. Two of them being clearly down one path, and two being clearly down the other.
Each day, I begin to feel more and more like Alice in the wonderland of life – verses feeling like the caterpillar or the Red Queen – both of which I have felt in the past for extended periods of time.
I remember a play many many years back that I saw in Orlando – a semi small stage performance of a re-written version of Frankenstein – there was one part of the production that was particularly dramatic – the main character was huddled down, and three other performers were circling around as if the voices inside ones head, chanting loudly “Who are you, What are you, Why are you” over and over to a beat of a crescendo. Lately I’ve been feeling more and more like that huddled figure. Not so much that the questions are the same, but that sense of overwhelming space enclosure has been amping itself up. — This was a queue from my mind that it was time to blog, and I chose to ignore it until it reached a numbing point.
Life feels alot like a roller coaster, from the line through the wait, through the anticipation, the picking of the seat, the start of the engine, up the first hills, around the bends, and over the fast turns and twists, back to the station and exiting to start at the line again. Endless cycle of known possibilities repeating in a fresh perspective over and over again.
The barista at my favorite Starbucks the other day tried to explain to me how Starbucks Green Tea had more caffeine then coffee — and I laughed and tried softly to educate him to the difference – did some research, and while I realized I was indeed correct it has significantly less — less than 1/4 the amount of caffeine of an equal amount of coffee — I realized that it just didn’t matter. At the moment when we were having the discussion, in the drive thru line when he was trying vehemently to get his point across — to the point when I bothered to take the time to look up the actual numbers. Being Right doesn’t matter.
Commissioned an artist to create a Soul Mandala for me back a few months ago, and reached out to her because it seemed as if it were being delayed. She expressed that she had some difficulties, and had restarted the work twice – apparently my soul is more varied then any she had previously worked with – and while she was struggling with some personal challenges, it was assisting her and helping her to develop tools. She expressed gratitude for being able to do this work for me, and at the opportunity to meet with me and my soul. The work is still not finished. While I have no doubts that she is the real deal, in terms of having seen and experienced other of her art work – and I also understand the need of an artist to have an open window of time, the business person that my Muggle Job has cultivated — this person never existed before this particular Muggle Job – is struggling with feeling the need to be overly protective. Its an odd sensation to be balancing two sides of my personality to find a happy medium. I embrace the need of time for achievement of the highest possible good.
We have had the same cleaning lady for many years now, after a string of cleaning staff that stole from us and or did not perform a very adequate job. This lady is kind, and a hard worker and her rate is both within what we can afford, and a rate that we feel is adequately compensating her for her time. We have a cleaning lady because cleaning is not something I particularly relish – and while she doesn’t do a spot on perfect job, she does the rudimentary tasks of cleaning, allowing for the time to expand upon her works for both P & I while still affording us luxury time – the benefits of having a muggle job that can afford this luxury. This cleaning lady has a mischievous side, she likes to move things around in the house in the interest of “straightening” – and she has trained us both to clean up before she comes, for fear of having her “hide” things we might need in the immediate future. Overall her regular routine visits have kept our house presentable, tidy and trained us into some nice habits. Lately however, I’ve been having this sense of doubt. Like its time to stop having her clean the house. While I recognize part of this is from the need to take on some of the actual cleaning portion she performs – I would be much more acceptable to this, if it weren’t for the Muggle part of my mind starting to infringe on my head with all sorts of nonsense doubts about the value of the service and whether or not our house is safe.
Have been seeing alot of Dragonflies and Dameselflies lately – looked up the meaning in animal speak and its spot on – I suspect this is a new animal totem for me. It is also the reason that it became part of my tattoo from the trip to NY – the pink lotus with the blue dragonfly representing a balance to the experience and the rite of passage being achieved.
S has been quite interesting lately. It seems he has decided he would like another dog. He has decided until we get him another dog to micromanage, he will micromanage P & I both. He has exhibited more behaviors of trying to train us. While I still dearly miss both Rommel & Sasha, he is an interesting family Member to have around.
My first concert, and other forms of destiny
Lyric from a Billy Joel song “I’m in a New York state of mind” — this lyric Finally makes sense to me now…. Heh, somehow I don’t know if thats a good thing of not yet. I decided to follow some unrelated yet seemingly to me completely related advice a friend gave me about keeping a journal with a name on teach page.
The advise was actually about doing distance Reiki – and its extremely effective, but I also decided, since a small 3×5 moleskin is easy to carry, it makes a good stream of consciousness filter for me.
First, mea culpa to any of my friends for negative spew the past few days – I can’t promise that its over, but I do feel it will be significantly more minimized at this point.
So, we have a vacation in NY – well its a complete vacation for me, although technically spiritually its a working vacation – does one every really get a spiritual vacation prior to death? Not certain I really want to think too much more about that, because the answer doesn’t really matter much for my life.
In anycase, this is a learning experience for me. Sometimes in life those are positive, many many times they are challenging. This is one of the later.
Learned a very interesting tool, for distance traveling – to utilize distance Reiki to make the trip — Smoother? – that seems like it, easiest way to specifically scientifically quantify it, like when the stars align and things go just right… One small minor hiccup was that in sending the distance energy through visualization, I somehow or for whatever reason neglected the “actual” take off and landing… So the energy ride was sort of bumpy in those moments, as my consciousness shifted in and out of the stream I’d prepared for the journey. Wild trip.
From the moment we got to the park and ride, things were just – easier. The shuttle picked us up as it usually does, but was a little less crowded, the people were a little more subdued, and were a little less busy body then usual. There was no line at the Jet Blue check in, and we were able to instantly get our bags checked, tags written and labeled, and boarding passes. While we had the upgraded seating for the speed pace, there was literally NO line through security. We walked right in and the TSA was waiting for us to arrive. Only had a few things to pull out of the bag, and the whole check was in a blink of the eye. The gate was close, and we got water right outside of the security. Bathroom was on the way to the gate.
We parked at the gate for a little longer than normal, due to having literally no delays in arrival. The plane was early! We were last to board, due to being in the front, and we boarded literally 5 minutes before take off, and the flight left a wee bit early. The steward not only greeted me, but made a human connection with me, and getting the seat belt extender for P was no trouble at all. The stewardess was friendly and kind, the drink and snack service was fast, and while I had realized early Friday Morning that the episodes of NCIS I had on my IPad were ones I’d already watched (I love watching NCIS on plane rides, its sort of a personal ritual tradition) – Jet blue had TV, and the first channel I flipped to had NCIS playing at the beginning of an episode, which followed with 3 other episodes. Sure I had commercials, but even those weren’t terrible annoying – most were for web sites, social media, or for future tv shows. Was sort of surreal. The snacks were even mildly healthy.
Flight landed 20 minutes early. Yes, I typed that correctly 20 full minutes early. We got to the luggage area, and even picking up the suitcases was a breeze.
We got a cab and the only snag was Phil decided spontaneously to add an extra stop along the way to see his old neighborhood. It took us a little deviation on the trip, which caused us to hit more traffic and not arrive at the hotel for another 2 hours.
The hotel – ah the hotel – such an enigma. If I were a single women, this would be THE spot to be. It is truly an artists paradise. The decor and charm of this place are on par with the hotel I stayed in with my boss in Malmo (The Savoy right off the train station)
The room is quite small. When I say this I must confess that having 2 bodies trying to share it – two tech bodies trying to share this space makes it stepping over each other. (As I type this I’m enjoying a spot of tea in the lobby) P & I both agree that the entire room is about the size of our bathroom at home. Its approximately 150sq ft with a Queen bed in the middle. There is barely enough room to walk around the 3 sides of the bed, and literally no storage space. There is a small closet area by the door, that has a mini bar, and a small suitcase stand, and a hanging rack for clothes. I’ve commandeered this area and unpacked my clothes onto the upper top shelf in the space. It feels very much like stepping over each other. The bathroom is not a bad size. There is actually a nice amount of room in there both around the sink, and in the shower. The tile is marble and its really elegant. The fixtures are all bronze, and they are well cared for, and old style – the sink especially with a nozzle that turns around, its very — well it makes me feel in touch with the writers of old that have stayed in this place.
We enjoyed a fabulous dinner the first night in the restaurant, local organic fare that apparently changes on a regular basis, and was all very very good. The service was also quite noteworthy, all of the staff at the hotel have been more than kind, seeking to make the experience very intimate and cozy at the same time. They have these enormous Key’s with the concept that you leave your room key when you step out for the day or evening, and pick it back up when you return. In this day and age, its a concept I have difficulties adopting, but the 50$ lost key fee does make it alittle enticing even to me.
The hotel also provides a complimentary continental breakfast – and this is actually a quite nice one. Its a nice take on a choice between yogurt/granola/fruit & pastries/jam/honey — both with a choice of coffee/juice. We have splurged both mornings and supplemented breakfast with an egg/chicken/kale dish that has been well worth the price. All of the portions are generous. They also have a house made almond milk cappuccino that is divine.
Its really not possible to find something unpleasant to say about the hotel other than the size of the room, and this is only uncomfortable from the perspective of being able to hide away from the bustle and game 🙂 so I suppose this is the universe telling me “No World of Warcraft for you” — I actually was able to log in and play, but sitting on the bed, with the laptop on my lap and trying to balance my mouse is just not “fun” in any stretch of the word.
P & I both had a list of things we wanted to see here in NY – there were precious few that made both my list and his list – one of the rare dual objectives was a trip to the secret stash. So yesterday, we braved the highland ferry and a cab ride to Red bank to make a visit to one of our favorite director/comedian/actor/comic book store aficionado’s infamous comic book store. The secret stash. The place was well worth the trip, it was nostalgic to walk through, not to mention I picked up a few Neil Gaiman books for the flight home 🙂
The trip taught me a few things about myself, about NY, about NYers, about NJ – and did I mention yet we had an amazingly racist cab driver on the way back to the Ferry? He apparently owns land in Texas, and I guess the fact that we were white seemed to give him license to feel comfortable expressing his very toxic views. Small world indeed.
The ferry at sunset was truly an inspiring site though – seeing the bridges with the lights, and the statue of liberty lite up – she is much smaller than I’d imagined. Its hard to think of her as small, except she is dwarfed by the skyline of skyscrapers literally overshadowing her.
Truly funny moment today, and an odd thing that occurred. We have a joke in Texas that before anything gets built, there is a pile of dirt. This is a notorious “pile of dirt” – because it basically takes until the dirt starts to have green grass, and sometimes trees sprouting out of it, until they will actually start breaking ground on the construction. Riding past a construction site here in NY for a “new” skyscraper – there was a huge huger hole in the ground — so apparently before construction starts in NY they get a crater. Pile of Dirt = Texas Hole in the ground = New York.
The second thing on our mutual lists, is what filled our day today – to take a city tour. Basically to “find” where his conference is this week, this was a snap – then find where we picked up the city tour bus and ride it around. While I am having some trouble with the sheer crowds of people, I’m having many many moments of simulated panic in my head from the feeling of being trapped on an island with more than 8 million strangers. The city tour actually helped me put that a little bit down. Being on the top, in the back of a double decker bus, it was easy to “see” and “experience” the city, from the relative safety of a slightly elevated perspective. It was probably one of the best things we could have done for me.
Had a friend tell me before this trip that the “food” here – if I avoided chain restaurants – was “fabulous” — well, I understand what she was intending by her comments, but I did have some interesting experiences. The first was the steak dinner P & I had last night in red bank – I mean I know we both tend to be a little frisky when it comes to spending when we are traveling, particularly when we are out trying new places, but the bill including tip was over 300$ thats a tad high even for us. While the food was good, some of it quite good, it still seemed a little bit higher than the value. Today, also we sort of got overcharged for food – which apparently included an over priced tip into the bill, where the service was lacking. Its not the food was “bad” its just it wasn’t as good as the other stuff I’ve had, and certainly hard to justify for the price.
Still have a few other “things” I want to try out while we are here, not the least of which is a slice of true NY style pizza. — I’ve also been told to have cheesecake at Carnegie deli.
Some other quote/impressions from my journal below:
~ Day 1 – Drank enough last night at dinner to knock me out 🙂
~ so so so many people
~ P = weird dreams
~ me = many interruptions
~ busy –> always in motion
~ sunrise in NY = earlier
~ Too many cars makes for sickening cab rides
~ too many heartbeats = too much chaos = nausea
~ Day 2 – Being thankful is a coping mechanism here
~ They spray deodorants to mask the smells of life … clog the pores & toxin increases… its like picking up one grain of sand to clean up the beach
~ missing time = long delays (we missed the first ferry yesterday by 2 minutes)
~ they rent bikes all over the place… but you have to return to the same place as you pick them up?
~ so many confusing conflicting thoughts
~ Red bank notes:
~ Too much steak (42 oz we split)
~ Too much money (300$)
~ waitress was really named Britany
~ cloggers in the street? They were good?
~ Cab Company took 45 minutes to pick us up after we called? (Charging too much in terms of time)
~ racist cab driver
~ Starbucks across from Secret Stash 🙂
~ got to see my favorite comic men people
~ People on the ferry are very very trusting
~ why do NY peeps take bags full of trash from the NJ beach and put in ferry trashcans??? Saw like 10+ peeps do this
~ Everyone on the ferry buying the overpriced greasy ferry cheese pizza.
~ everyone drinking and drinking and drinking
~ tab water in NY isn’t bad? how weird is that/!?
~ Staten Island bridge & Connie Island all light up at night are beautiful
~~~~~~~~~~
Thats enough for now, sufficed to say– Definitely get the “NY state of mind” now…
Torn between heavy rain and dripping showers
Crossroads are things I’m heavily versed with in my life. I’ve encountered them often, and while I would not so much call them a welcome friend along my path, they are definitely something I have frequently in hindsight considered great opportunities.
At this time, I’m within another cross roads. This one is three dimensional. Its a little different as I can see spiritual impacts from both sides, as well as mental, emotional & physical. Typically in the past, the spiritual has not really been a cross roads.
I’m being presented a choice. Two very divergent paths are very clearly presented to me from a spiritual perspective. They have very different advantages, and disadvantages, and I’m having a challenge committing to either of them fully.
One of the paths, is green and lush, and far easier to traverse. Its much more of the known and a steady somewhat predictable progression. It does however, require he tower for me, necessary removal of many things, and this is a conflicting point of ego for me. This path demands these removals to progress, and the pace of this progression is slow but steady. its the light soft rain of the afternoon shower. It has many pleasures along the path, and while this path is not shorter necessarily then the other, it is significantly different.
One path, is rocky and filled with pitfalls. It has the most amazing views, but it requires significant leaps and shifts. It also requires much more in the moment commitment. It affords amazing experiences beyond my wildest imaginings. However, it also requires separation, and acceptance through more than lip service. It requires undivided commitment to purpose, less distractions, far far less distractions. It has just as many pleasures along the way, but it will also be filled with many trials. Much like only the rough coral surviving being brutalized by the rough waves of the ocean.
My soul is torn between the two paths. My guides are silent. Neither path is right, nor is it wrong. Both paths are equal and valid. For the time being, I can continue to walk along both path ways, but there will come a time in the future, not so distant, that I will need to make a choice. If that time were today, I’m not certain which way I would decide. Both paths have learning and growth for me.
More meditation, more alone time, more silent time to listen to my heart. Perhaps these will bring me further clarity on which path is the one I will chose.
Its been a long week. Evolution has reflected a clear shift in my head this week. I’ve found myself detached from my body several times and experiencing my existence both within and without. Living in the moment, and seemingly simultaneously seeing myself living in the moment. There is a revelation of joy in this experience.
Striving to live in balance with life force energy is humbling. I have found amusement in watching myself get irritated at such small things, like the car that cuts over in front of me and scares me for safety’s sake. I find myself angry and mentally shaking a fist at the driver; while part of me soars above myself, and laughs at how silly that feeling of angst is…. Its almost like the emotions are some how more a part of me – this is hard to explain, perhaps if I talk it out with a seemingly unrelated but intimately related thought.
I remember the last conversation I had with my grandmother. Talking to her in her bedroom. I remember exactly how I felt, because while I knew there was nothing I could do to change the situation, and that there was equally no point in being sad. I also remember feeling powerless, but at the same time blessed with such an enormous gratitude to know that I had been blessed with the time to just be there. In the moment, I was so close to her, so very happy and so very sad all at the same time. The emotions were the same. It was more than a week, close to two weeks later that she actually passed away, quite painfully. She was in a significant amount of pain while I was sitting with her, and I think that is part of the reason I was so able to box all of this torrent of emotion so succinctly. I have always been very empathic and able to feel the pain others are experiencing.*** It was not a physically comfortable situation to be with my grandmother, while at the same time, her very presence had always been the absolute most earthly place of emotional comfort available for me. Where ever she was was home, she was home, like true north. And knowing, with absolute truth, that this would be the last time I would speak with, and hug her in human flesh, while also being restricted from sharing this knowledge and experience with anyone was one of the more challenging things I’ve had to experience in my life.
Being in that moment, was being in the balance. The very same state that my spirit is striving to maintain for me now. When I feel upset or angry, my spirit demands harmonization against those, and forces me to find the humor in myself about the situation.
***Boxing emotions was a necessary coping mechanism I developed many years ago, that I am striving to unlearn now, while it served me for many years, it no longer serves me. Boxing emotions requires tremendous amounts of emotional eating to physically build somewhere to hold those emotions without destroying the vital flow of energy in the body. I need to release these physical boxes, and release the need for emotional eating.
It is an interesting and very busy time for me… many paths, many fronts — and yet the rain this week was as always a refreshing break and promise. A quote I’m loving for 2014
“The cure for anything is salt water – sweat, tears, or the sea”
Ying Yang, and the grasshopper on your shoulder
Lyrics from old disney songs popping through my head, “Mr. Blue Bird on my shoulder” — when I think of Jiminy Cricket – the conscience in your head that tells you the “right” and the “wrong” things to do… what if those filters get screwed up?
The voices inside my head – and yeah I’m not talking about voices of other people, just the sides that represent my balance – the sides of possibilities, of black and white, or clear and hazy — health or glutton… Physical or sedentary – they have been in a more climatic battle lately…
Up until last year, I’d say that for the majority of my post teenage life, there has been a calm peace between these two sides, the one side has been far the more dominant, and I have been mostly content – with a few hiccups now and again – to allow some of my more hedonistic tendencies to reign supreme.
Last year things changed, and that side of my personality, Finally, took a back seat. My true personality, the personality that remembers things from my very young childhood that had been buried. The side of me that likes to jump, and skip and hop, and run and walk and laugh – and is so so much less concerned about eating, and so much more concerned about living. That side of me, took the drivers seat.
It was a thrilling experience, I finally felt like myself. Really me, and I started dropping weight, eating healthy, taking care of myself and all the things that made me happy. I felt strong. I felt empowered, I felt that other peoples drama and opinions didn’t matter as much – its not that I didn’t share empathy, and compassion its more that I was so wrapped in the warmth of my true self that they were powerless to hurt me, harm me, or suck me into them.
A few things happened that added some hiccups. Having been buried since young childhood, ague-able 9 or 10, this side of my personality did not have as much real life experiences to relate to the deceptions and manipulations of the people in my life. It was ill equipped to deal with these situations. The emotional experiences of last year also added to this a bit, and even the lost weight, as it was such a drastic change. It impacted how other people interacted with me, and it was hard not to recognize the difference.
I’ve always been easily distracted – Squirrel – shiny treasure, Blue rock – and these distractions took me off center. the two aspects of my personality started fighting for who would reign supreme.
It started like a iron chef – with both sides presenting arguments — and my negative side, or the side of my personality that has had dominance for more than 30 years of my life started to step in and fight. Maybe it had felt (I had felt) that the other side was a phase, that I’d get lazy again and welcome it back with open arms (never left) — The holidays happened, and both sides agreed to an amnesty — we would balance things. We would enjoy many things but not overindulge. Overall, I think that things were going along well — but I was lulled into complacency — and this is the tool of this negative side.
My true personality is fighting back – its trying to struggle to encourage me, to help me follow the correct path – but sometimes I catch myself after the fact and I just can’t seem to understand how or why I did something. Like I’ll pray and start the day off with full intentions of eating only healthy food, and staying true to my goals. Then I’ll find myself having eaten the piece of chocolate cake; so quickly it was hard to blink but realize it was gone – and I didnt’ really even enjoy it. But now Ive had the calories. — And while I know that guilt is ~ Also ~ a tool of this side of my personality, I am struggling to try and figure out exactly how that happened. Why did I not have strength in the moment of the decision? Where was my solid resolve at that time? Where was the decision, how did I just slip so easily into compliance? Why did I slip into compliance? This side of my personality, the facade side, it is not compliant. It is a fighter, it was a struggle last year to stay on course. It wants to be a backseat driver, constantly telling me ‘you were good enough’ — ‘you don’t have to do that today, if you don’t want to’ — ‘you could always do that later’ — ‘one little bit won’t hurt’ (Like hell it won’t, it will make me want and feel the need for another bite, and another and then I’ll have finished the whole bag and sit back and wonder why I had the first one, when I wasn’t even really hungry)
So many things in life have dichotomy. We talk of a clean planet, as we drive our gas guzzling plant killers to our corporate jobs, where they pay us to do mind numbing tasks that inevitable deplete more of the resources through the serial killer-“Business” —- Seems like such a harmless word, but please tell me about one “Business” that made a profit, that didn’t take advantage of someone else. Its not like they give away the results of their efforts, there is always some bottom line, and things have to balance — those “things” are the taking from one person, and selling to another. Sometimes taking involves money of buying, but thats just a repetition of this same process. We talk about improving education, as we numb our minds like drones in front of the latest nonsense of Tv or Internet, “enter – Tain- Ment” — Interesting the etymology of that word — Lip service to one, and action to the other, mental thought, energy towards one, attitude, resources towards the other.
Its that fine line between too cold, and too hot – and whom you ask in which circumstance makes all the difference.
The Light and Dark – day and night — everything has its opposite. They must be in balance. My thought or question is, does my life require 30 years in the opposite dominance to balance? Is this the harmony I’m seeking? — I’m not happy right now; in the midst of this Chernobyl of my mind. It feels like things must come out or I’ll explode.
Started reading a book, I’ve picked up and put down many times over the past couple of years. I have this distaste in reading books that pontificate too much. I know thats a little subjective – the idea of this book is interesting, and I don’t disagree with the writer at all, but if one more time she goes off into what should be some happy go lucky beautiful description where she says effectively “you just had to be there to appreciate it” — I’m going to find her and shove this book down her throat. — The book is about Dolphins & Whales. I completely understand the message, and I am not blind to the information, I would just like to shoot the messenger 🙂 (Okay not really, but the idea fit in line with the rest of the thought)
Have a training class tomorrow and Sunday I’m very much looking forward to — Reiki certification class. Its the first steps on a many faceted pathway. I recognize that these two days will be intense and that they are just truly the first babysteps to recapturing something I have had in many situations in my distant past. On the one hand, I’m thrilled, on the other I’m terrified. I have debated canceling this class over and over and over in my head – its not that I don’t want to attend, its that I am not certain with all this internal conflict if this is the best time. Even as I type this, I’m realizing its precisely the best time, for precisely the reason of this internal turmoil. Guess I’ll be extra happy I didn’t give into the voice saying “you can do it later”…
I wonder if I’ll realize and find that my upcoming trip is much this same thing… Here is hoping so …
Failure is a step in the process
Lessons are not always a pleasant experience. Sometimes they are painful, gut wrenching, heart burning, stress inducing situations. It is from these most unpleasant gems of existence that some of the finest more treasured diamonds manage to spark forth.
To quote the finale title of a favorite series “All good things…”
The beautiful part about that is, whether its a good or a bad — every lesson eventually comes to its close. The goal is to have learned the lesson, mastered the skill or message, and not have to experience precisely that same situation again.
Sometimes I’m hard headed, sometimes my ego decides I am above the experience, above the lesson. This is not the case, in these instances, I often must repeat the lesson, to help me gain better clarity. Usually these repeats are somewhat more nasty and more grueling then the first time.
Atleast in my life, I’ve found — if I’m able to accept gracefully the lesson I am being taught, the outcome is usually significantly more favorable and desired then if I’m dragged kicking and screaming to the outcome. The outcome remains the same, but my experience and resistances causes a loss of other opportunities.
I’ve been led to a crossroads recently – a fork in the road is not exactly appropriate, more the expression would be the Tower from the tarot — “The necessary removal of something” – its time for me to change jobs. I have been “wanting” this crossroads for a significant amount of time, but it wasn’t until just recently that the stars have aligned in a somewhat manner of speaking to show me a pathway towards this new experience.
Much like many new experiences, I’m nervous. Not so much afraid, I have plenty of support in this decision, and it will not be a fast process, it will likely be a up and down emotional process for the whole interview, application, screening, waiting process — but its time. There is no uncrossing this bridge now that I’ve reached it.
Was talking to a friend, and former colleague about this today over lunch. How choosing to remain would be detrimental to my health, it is more taxing on me each day I remain. I count it as a blessing that the time to transition has arrived, I hope that it works out with haste and grace.
This transition should remove me from an environment that has become stagnant for an area of my life I had not realized required transition. I’m glad that this realization has come to me, and that I will be able to journey down this new path. It will be a difficult road to traverse, but I have confidence that I will persevere.
Passions and oddly perfect career paths
In another life, where money was only slightly more free then it is now, I could totally see my perfect profession being the hostess of a Hugh Hefner style mansion, with a perpetual night club party atmosphere.
Listening to my favorite Pandora Radio Station “Pitbull Radio” the thought suddenly struck me that I would love to own a night club. The pure reality of the logistics aside, being able to listen to dance music and enjoy the company of people inspired and driven by music to move is rather an intoxicating thought.
Being able to sit and monitor and watch the action is an overly appealing thought to me. While the idea of dancing and grinding to the music is not unappealing, I think it would be secondary to the enjoyment of feeling the energy and general sense of the atmosphere in that type of situation.
The heady feeling of mingling through people lost in the moment of sensation and motion. Dancing and playing, mingling, vying for attention.
A friend a few months back shared a guilty pleasure with me, one of his very own, and while this was not to my particular taste, it did sort of leave me pondering, and I think tonight I started to touch on it with this idea of a night club slash play girl mansion.
I’m not saying it would be precisely like the infamous playboy mansion – but somewhere where co-ed folks went for nights filled with really really good music, dancing away hours, and like minded individuals of the same thought and spirit. Sort of a tribute to Bacchus from a female perspective, representing both the sensual and sexual nature of men and women through music, dance and expressionism.
Maybe I just need a good night out to a night club – hard to say – but I do know that the reality of the experience, from historical personal experience, would probably take away this lovely imaginary fantasy I have right now — I mean its rare that there isn’t someone puking drunk, its rare that there isn’t some ungodly line at the restroom where you have to carefully avoid touching anything for fear of contracting some highly contagious this or that, its rare that the place isn’t miserable steamy hot from all the flesh and the inability of the modern methods to maintain a sub zero temperature…. there is also always the possibility that someone else would have a different opinion of “good music” from my own… No, no, I suspect I’m better off in my fantasy world of a lovely estate type house, that is a pleasure trove of famous musicians and little know talent for latin style, reggaeish dance hip hop music that holds 24/7 festival style events, with lots of large dance hall space for dancing, and on hand seeded members to keep the atmosphere consistent and allow for mingling by the regular guests in a consistent upbeat party.
Tried out a bottle of wine tonight that we have had for a few years – 2006 – turned out quite nice, was quite a treat actually, the wine fridge made itself a worth while purchase tonight. Thanks wine fridge for keeping it real since 2006. May there be many more years and many more enjoyable vintages to come forth from your safe haven.
As might have been guessed, my head is still a little froggy from the day – we could blame it on the wine, but I’d think thats somewhat unlikely — easier to blame it on the crazy ebb and flow of the dynamic days of late. Company sales are never a dull moment. Welcome to the new world for my job. Apparently I have a new title – interesting that seems to be a significant promotion but this is the first I’m hearing of it, and now I’m dreading what additional work this new title may entail that I’ve been arbitrarily committed unto – but tomorrow is another day, and its always a reassuring thing to have a recently polished resume close at hand.
Now if I could seem to only recall how to use one of those recently re-polished resumes I might be in a significantly less stressful position.
Here is hoping that tomorrow brings more clarity, less chaos and equality of purposes.
Wild Ones…
And other things from Florida — or rather Flo Rida – who knows– maybe its all the same thing.
My brain has decided, when I go too long without taking a moment to download back up to this blog, it will start to suddenly give me memory crashing errors. Twice today — You know those moments when you suddenly completely, in the midst of expressing something specific completely lose the thought, the whole ball park of where you were going, and what was intended….. or when your walking somewhere to do something – ask something specific — and you get halfway there and can’t recall why, who, what, where or when you were going… at all – no trace, no bread crumbs.
Here’s to bread crumbs! Not only do the make amazing meatloaf, but they also do pretty well for so many other things in a pinch.
Riding tonight, there was a sexy guy on a bike; you know the type, tight jeans, black bike, cowboy boots, quite quite fit, with a black billowing t-shirt with angel wings in silver on the back. Including the sword. When you think about whether or not angels are among us, stop asking if, and start considering that maybe they aren’t exactly where you expect or what you expect to see.
It made me laugh no doubt about it.
Books: reading one, I think I actually read it a few years back, however my mind decided it was time to pick it up again and start it over again. “Many Lives, Many Masters” by Brian Weiss — great book, many thoughts about this one….
So I’m taking a reiki certification class in two weeks, and my mind is still running though the lessons I need to refresh before this class, trying to clear and cut and go in with a fresh perspective. I do think its an interesting phenomena that once you start down a path the coding in Google sort of starts sending you all sorts more of that particular path, its sort of like “Hey you liked that one link, how about these other 50billion?” …. Really? I already decided that I was going to do this … no need to inundate me and make me question my decision. Where are the links for synergies instead?
Tried an interesting — ODD — yet interesting restaurant today. Inchin’s Bamboo Garden — They had a buffet for lunch, which was priced reasonable, the service was quite good – it was just sort of an enigma. It was Asian style Indian food. Sort of a fusion of Indian and Chinese, with more of a significant lean towards Chinese. Quite tasty selections, just quite odd.
Got an invitation for a crystal class this weekend at Natures Treasures, and am sort of torn about whether or not to take the time to attend. Lots going on right now both with home, work and spirit. More information while always nice, is threatening to exceed overload.
Dunno, have been sort of having difficulty lately with priorities. There are so many things to do, that it just seems like I want to sit back and watch for a while, and laugh and smile more. Its not so much a lack or undesire for motivation, its more that the laughing and smiling just seems higher priority then focus and resolve.
So many happy things going on all over the place, so many changes so many interesting evolutions in life going on.
Had a conversation about missing someone the other day — with the husband about his mother. I indicated that I missed her, but not as much I miss my dog. I qualified it to express that it wasn’t that I didn’t miss her, I do a good deal, but I miss the comforting presence of my pooch more. This caused him to consider and he indicated he missed her more than his pooch. It was just one of those somehow comforting conversations where discussing together brought more peace about the missing. Kind of like one of those misery loves company sort of things, but more of a positive type, where there was comfort in knowing that it was a shared experience.
Have a trip planned for August to NY – and I’m nervous. Its not in my top 10 list of places, while its probably in the top 100 — I don’t actually have a top 100 list yet, maybe thats a project for another day…. Its probably on the list. Still Nervous. We are not renting a car, and its crowded with many many many people. Not a huge fan of dark cavern like things of subways, and not a high love of mass transit or taxi’s. Guess I’m in for a culture shock in my own country! Coupled with the fact that its not likely I manage to get to do the few couple of things I’d actually like to do in NY – hook up with a friend from the Ridge last year — see the Statue of Liberty — Go to the Met — Go to Gordon Ramsey’s restaurant…. Since its unlikely I’ll get to do most of those things, I’m equally not excited. There is a conference there, which is the reason for going. I’m just a tag along, so its not especially costly for me to tag along, and it is a trip.
Tomorrow we head over to some of our family people’s house for dinner, very looking forward to the catch up time. We have been trying to get onto a routine the past few years, somewhat sporadically successfully — spotty at best, but time passes one way or the other, and we have such great family. So much to learn from each other.
Enough for now, my brain feels like its empty – maybe next time I’ll listen and blog before it decides to pull a Cntrl+Alt+Delete on me…. Lesson learned, I got the message, kkthx.
On a clear day…
And other lyrics from random songs of yore. A DMB lyric keeps striking me the most today, well and most every time I blog – “so much to say so much to say so much to say…” — So many of the lyrics of that band resonate with me.
In the recent past, a friend thanked me for a mix tape I’d shared with her. For a time, I was making what I so aptly dubbed “crack mixes” – a mix of song stream of consciousness that was a mishmash of odd genre and songs, always telling or leading through a rabbit hole of a story. I had a personal break from doing those, and it was a fitting time for this friend to thank me, as I’d recently made a new mix. Irony is that I will make a mix, and then I will effectively play it out. I have this tendency to fall madly in love with a song, until I’ve sucked all of the love out of it, and that it starts to turn into a dull ache of encumbrance to listen to it further. Its a rather strangeness about myself, because I typically will put it aside at this point, and then several years later find the song again. And the bitter sweetness of the memory of the passion I’d once felt for the song brings such fond memories.
Music for me falls into four categories. Timeless Music, this is music that hits a soul level for me, and from the very first time I listen to it conjures visuals for me that are so strong and powerful they transcend all explanation. They simple evoke some strong feeling in me. The genre doesn’t really matter, nor does the singer, or the band, I have a few songs of this type from some very oddish type methods. Examples would be Enigma “Principles of Lust” — Sting “Desert Rose” — KD Lang “Calling all Angels” — Ottmar Liebert “Barcelona Nights” — Indigo Girls “Secure yourself to heaven”
Then there would be the category of music I’d call addiction music. This is music that is so close to the above type, that it fools my body into believing its that type, and I try and overplay it to turn it into soul music, when its really just physical music. I tend to play these over and over and over till I start to hate them. Some times they bridge the gap of time, and become by virtue of the bittersweetness something more than just pop music, through self inflicted memories of music. Examples of these would be: Rihanna “Shut up and drive” — Train “Drops of Jupiter” — Tori Amos “Precious Things” — Adam Ant “Stripped” —- Again there are many different flavors of this type of music too, generally its music that starts out as a “Wow I like this song” — and starts to become “I really like this song” to “I must have this song, it must be mine” … and eventually to “Meh, this song again”… and then finally full circle over time to “mmmm I remember that song”
The next type of music is the general “Meh” songs, these are the ones that I really don’t like or dislike – some of them I have learned the words to just through sheer radio play simplicity or repeat play of an album through trying to devour the above type of song, and these get caught in the cross hairs type of music, or basically 95% of all other music falls into this category. Most Beetles songs fall into this group for me, as does Barry Manilow, Elvis Presley, Dolly Parton, Kenny Rogers..
Then the last and ultra rare type of music, is the type I’ll define is ugh music. Its the type that usually I didn’t have a strong opinion of to start with, it was probably a Meh song at first, but it generally over time and repetition becomes one of those ones that I strive to turn off every time I hear it. Unfortunately, there are actually a few bands that I feel this way about, and generally I’ve given them unflattering nick names. Whether it be because someone I cared about just really loved them, or laziness of the stereo repeat playing them, or them being “the album” that was available at the time. The cause can be from many sources, but generally they are the ones that start to give me a headache after a few minutes of them playing.
Its just funny because most people talk about music with an eye to the author, or the sound or the lyrics or the genre, but for me … its all about the self filters. Its about what the music evokes within me that matters, the instruments, the lyrics the sounds are all just sort of icing for me. Although I can acknowledge that I tend to find flute music haunting, and violin music engaging.
Its the most amusing thing to me how talking about so much and nothing can help me feel so much more relaxed. Like the cares of the world are suddenly so much lighter to handle and to hold. Writing is a form of meditative prayer for me, its an outpour of my most intimate self into a world filled with hope, dreams and possibilities. Even if the irony of the fact that the very adding the thought and love to the paper or to words somehow diminishes it in a slight way, for me, it gives me inner peace of knowing I’ve shared it – even if its not read by another soul, I have still expressed it, and for me that is enough.