I made a thing…. well, several of them to be honest… I found in the course of one of my spiderweb adventures on the internet… a recipe: https://pinchofyum.com/feel-good-apple-muffins — I have to say the name of that webpage was pretty adorable, and the name of the recipe in particular – I was having an “off day” and those by the name alone struck me as “lets try it” — the recipe is “off” on the baking time ALOT – like it says 15 minutes, and unless they are using some cosmic oven that doesn’t exist…. no way those solidify in 15 minutes… mine took 50 minutes… that delta is pretty ridiculous.

I did not have high hopes for this recipe, but the actual action of “making them” made my general mood improve cause I had “done a thing” … however… those muffins are seriously addictive. Like… must eat muffins cookie monster style…. when I looked back at the recipe and did the evil thing of calorie counting – it was no surprise to me… they are basically a super sweet oatmeal that is baked…. whats not to love. It was however, worth mentioning that they are in fact correctly named as “feel good muffins” they do feel good.

Mine turned out super pretty and amazingly delicious and prep time was actually pretty accurate.

There is something satisfying for me about actually planning and doing a thing. It feels so so great, like reaching the top of a summit. “I’m here world, and I did a thing” … Mostly its a time when I feel good about patting myself on the back and being satisfied with my accomplishments.

Of course I have that little voice in my head that wants to try and tear myself down, and it immediately was like “these taste too good” there must be something bad for us in here… so I spent some time trying to figure out “what are these that they are bad” and just like everything else in life – when you go looking for trouble, you will always be able to find it. … Oatmeal is high in Manganese – something that in high quantities is shown to be good for cancer, bad for good cells.

Its interesting to me, that as strong as I feel, as dedicated to healing I feel… that there is still some crossing guard inside of me that is directing traffic the other direction….

There was an observation in the workshop thing recently when the discussions were on Intuition… about the fact that things are either logic, or they are intuition. In the past, I’ve had a few things that my intuition told me “these are not for you”…. and I’ve taken them out of my path…. these muffins, it wasn’t my intuition speaking ill of them, it was my logical side… and the amazing and harmful thing I’ve found about my logic is … it is literally possible to defend pretty much any position, given the correct amount of time and a universe of possibilities. This doesn’t make it “right” – but then “right” is completely subjective by my own values. I suppose its more appropriate, rather than calling it “right” as to call it… better attuned or in line with my goals and objectives. So its not so much right as “does this help me towards healing?” – these muffins do. Something in them my body just goes “YES! Finally!” – and its the healing part saying this… this time.

Chemo this week – chemo is always hard – was hard. It is very draining on my chi, which is very very draining and opens up my heart to “doubt” I try and guard against this, but that little web of doubt, creeps in and suddenly builds a nice nest for itself. Once its festering, its very very hard for me to pluck it out. — I pray, many times a day, for help with the physical but often its super easy for me to forget to pray for help with this, because in the moment of the doubt – it doesn’t exactly “feel” like doubt … it creeps up like an insipid fly – persistent and subtle as if its saying “no no, you don’t need to swat me” — I’ll have to remember to say “shoo fly don’t bother me” in the future.

For today, P took me on a drive – and there is a point in our drives, that I typically open the windows – because something about the wind is just … its part of my soul and it allows me to take a soul shower and become refreshed and renewed … thru a little thing like driving with the windows down…. Well I’m riding, and we are talking… and P says “Its time”… and I’m sorta questioning – because this is the phrase we use at home for “its time for a hug” … and he rolls down the windows… and as the wind hits my face, my body…. I start shaking and tears start streaming down my face…

I realize, as the doubt flies away… just soars out the window and is gone… and I feel my soul and heart clear and I feel the strength return, and I feel the anxiety and the tension that was in my body, just melt. … I feel this in the blink of an eye, and I’m just overcome with the emotion of the sensation. In an instant.

Some feelings defy words, but P asks me what’s wrong, because clearly, visible I’m overcome… and I struggle to express the mountain that I’m feeling into succinct expressions… because see, while I had the doubt, I hadn’t shared it…. I hadn’t given it the power, but I hadn’t gotten the support to be strong against it. … I try and express to him how I’m doing better, how its helpful… and I do an allegory for him – because the doubt doesn’t have any power, and I don’t need to talk about it anymore, because its gone…. but I want him to be unconcerned about my relief – I want him to be happy for me…. as I am, now again suddenly.

I always say we take our drives for P, but really they are for both of us… its not so much the drive as the experiences along the way that are more for me… but its also time we share together, that is free from all the “things” that hinder us during the normal day to day.

There is a peace with being without and with in all at the same time, and somehow these times culminate in that for both of us.

Sometimes, there are these recent occurrences, where my body tells me that its more important to get up and write, then to sleep. These are happening at a frequency – that its pretty easy to blame it on medicine or other things – and we have come to a consensus that it won’t be before 4am that this occurs, due to the best/strongest healing hours being 11pm-3am – so this allows me to do my healing…. and then struggle for getting back to sleep – while my mind drafts over and over again some message I need to write down…..

I don’t know when I decided this was a “good idea” – or an “appropriate” idea …. I don’t feel like my conscious was actually consulted – I feel like the other “Alethia’s” – the super young self, the teenaged self, the young adult self, and the middle aged self all sort of had this quorum meeting, and decided “this would be the way of things” – its a strong enough feeling to be pervasive. I’ve tried, a couple of times to “silence” this drive of all these versions of myself – and I can chose to “not” get up and write – I can “chose” to lay in bed stare at the dark ceiling, while my mind goes into the zen place where I write….. there is the added frustration if I chose to do this, in knowing that most of what my mind drafts in this restful zen place probably will be forgotten to me consciously if I lay in bed and continue to rest.

There are sometimes when I can put my foot down, I can insist we sleep longer, and we generally do – sleep longer. However, there are other times, we will call these the “medicine is working against you” times …. when sleep is evasive, and getting up is probably the better option anyway.

My mind is often a warzone of concepts and ideas – of moving forward, backward, and back to present – of traveling to beautiful and horrendous worlds or scenes. Sometimes, reality of wakefulness is much more restful in its activity than the inside of my head in quiet and comfort of my bed.

The routine of the day is one I kinda feel like on these days, when I’ve allowed myself to be led into spewing my thoughts onto a page at some pace that is normally kinda frantic – spiderweb here – I remember the message that is mentioned over and over in Hamilton about him writing like he is out of time. …. While I don’t feel like I’m out of time, I do often feel like the writing is late. ….. Maybe more like the White Rabbit in Alice in Wonderland… I’m late, I’m late for a very important date…. – frantic or not, the words just sort of come to me in snippets, and its more like deciding which to say, verses struggling with how to say. …

I was asked by a new friend to write a message about myself – sorta an introduction of myself as a “Cancer Warrior” type of thing – for her blog. And I mentioned to her that this would be a struggle for me…. I mean I blog – but my blog – This is a stream of consciousness for me, basically I’m taking dictation of the words going on inside of my head – not alot of screening or revisioning occurs. ….. For something more “formal” – thats going to be on someone elses page…. I dunno seems a bit more like I need to speak differently? Like I need an actual writers voice? Maybe this isn’t correct, I know at the very least I need to re-read and edit it – something I 99% of the time don’t do with my blog…. A failing perhaps – as I’ve gone back thru my blog (a rare rare thing) and re-read some of the posts – well the parts that were concise and legible enough to convey a full message 🙂 – the beauty and the bane of stream of consciousness – sometimes my thoughts just bounce along like a pinball in a pinball machine – racking up points of “I wrote I wrote” — without ever hitting that one pure prize that seemed like the goal – but I guess overall the goal of Pinball, and of my stream of consciousness blogging is — Like Nike said – just do it.

While its arguable more work than gaming, its alot more satisfying of a hobby – and with as much time and research i KNOW most gamers put into the games that they play – its actually, well atleast the slacker method I presently imploy – alot “less” work…

Had some recent waking thoughts about some of the incredible people I have on the fringes of my life – some of the co-workers for contract company that worked with us in India at my previous job – they were such amazing people – that went out of their way to stay in contact with me for years after I’d left for this health journey. The times I had with them in person in India were timeless and precious. Their faces still pop in now and again to visit me in my head when I am struggling with these times of “I wanna write” and “I wanna rest” — I just wish them all universally to be safe, healthy and above all happy – because my time with them was these things for me, directly because of their efforts and actions.

We went the other day – P had to take his ipad to the apple bar. Its a rather laborious story, but suffice to say, apple ipad of the generation which he uses have this thing where the battery dies if it gets a poor battery memory. This is something he realized a handful – not a week – when the thing was out of warranty with Apple…. it was still fortunately under warranty with AMEX – but they required documentation from the genius bar or other service provider that this was the case. So off to get this documentation we went — mostly I was riding as moral support and the opportunity to people watch from the safety of the car.

The domain was like a ghost town – okay there were alot of people there but like 10% the number you would expect, during the week later in the afternoon. We even got to park less than a block from the Apple store, which is — well there were a ton of empty spots, and this has never happened since that place was opened. My vision of people watching wasn’t let down, but it was significantly less prominent than anticipated.

I got to notice a few of the company buildings that were “coming soon” and wondering how long ago those coming soon signs had been up there…. normally its a couple months from coming soon till open – but with conditions as they are… had this been a “year” of coming soon? My mind pondered. I looked up one of the businesses, which had a cute name for Austin – it was called “Barkin Creek” – a dog food, and pet spa place – a chain and this was to be its new location…. Barton Creek being the name of both a natural exploration place and the posh mail in south Austin.

I watched so many of the people walking without masks, without social distancing – again from the safety of the car. P had work a mask over mask – usually he wears one of those bandana thingies, but since he knew he would actually be out with strangers today in amongst the ramble, and at a tech place with lots of other peoples germies from touching – he wore the more formal “protect me” mask too. Apparently they had hand sanitizer all over too for which we were both grateful.

I wonder how much the profits of the sanitizer business have skyrocketed during this experience. They aren’t the only business that has been uniquely positioned to capitalize on this adventure of life right now…. but they are one of the most consistent and well established.

Kinda its a prop to the American spirit – (spiderweb, I wonder if thats a closet racist term – the “american spirit” – I mean its the name of a brand of cigarettes and I can totally see that being racist – particularly since they have an indian on the cover and are marketed as such because they are free from most/many of the toxins normally in tobacco cigarettes… but when we say the “American Spirit” and we aren’t really referring to the continent of “America” — we are only North America and not even all of that…. we are the Estadoes Unidad – or United States of America or the USA – but we are just “Americans” — except we punish and detain other Americans that aren’t US citizens – so perhaps there would be value in not calling ourselves “Americans” when we don’t really mean Americans at all… but USA) — that no matter how down or concerning some things are, there is someone with an ingenious idea that will be able to rise above and create positive things without at the same time. The ability to take a glass of water and see it both as half full and half empty all at the same time, while having debates, arguments, and wars about it – that is the “American Spirit” — which I suppose now needs to be called the USA Spirit. This isn’t at all meant in a derogatory way. I believe in the USA Spirit – it’s also about the fact that we can take no matter how much we have slid into the mud, and somehow figure out how to sell mud pies from our experience, and encounter. We learn to rise above, to get knocked down, and get up again.

Chemo treatment was yesterday, we reduced my premeds again at my request. My blood levels are well, right now they are playing jump rope, bouncing up and down — not far enough down so as to be alarming, just far enough down to be almost actionable – but also back up to nearly normal range. I’ll be back to Mary Poppins in no time, it seems. I do have to say, the downside to reducing the premeds is in the knowing that the nausea is my own doing. My bodies way of saying “Oh I see, reduce the anti nausea things, don’t give me many carbs before or after, take away my probiotics to avoid conflicts with the meds – and then expect me to keep everything happy and content down here? ” — Yes, body there is a santa clause – I got up and got to write.

I had such a positive experience with the Radical Remission workshop a few months back, when they offered a discount for repeat attenders I jumped at the chance. Invited my mom to attend with me, and we were set.

Unfortunately I had a few limiticky snicket type incidents with the registrations. First, I registered for the wrong session – chosing in error the 1pm session instead of the 7pm session. The facilitator was fast and effortlessly fixed this for me.

Second, the session says it starts at 7pm and for some reason I mixed up the dates and thought it started on Thursday – it started on Tuesday, so we missed the first session — but they had a recording!! So no worries, mom watched it, and I was already pretty knowledgable about this – having attended before – it was sorta like a first session for a college class – alot of introduction.

Third, it said it started at 7pm – but for some reason, in my Texas blind side, I failed to notice the ESD in the time. So we were an hour late to the first session. WE did catch the rest of the class, and got on track.

Last night was the third – second for us – session, and I had a few snafus but got in within a few minutes late. This session was on intuition.

I really enjoyed this session last time, and last night was the same. The lady who does the exercise is extremely knowledgable, and her voice is very soothing. She has a thick accent (German) but its somehow extremely musical to my ears.

The activity/exercise was a group guided meditation. She led us thru this beautiful breathing exercise, then into this guided picturesque scene before our own vision took over. I remembered I had done this the last time, and I’m a pretty diligent note taker, but I could not at all remember the last session.

The meditation was great – and informative. My spirit guide answered my questions directly and quickly. The guide gives you a gift, the thing you most need right now. My gift was an apple with a worm in it. I almost laughed loudly at this – because I KNEW immediately what this represented.

I’ve been really unsettled with doing Chemo. I know how toxic it is long term. I know that basically all chemos “cause” cancers. They are toxic. However, they also are extraordinary and they help. The apple represented me, and the worm represented the cancer. The apple also represented all the things I’m doing to heal myself, and the worm also represented the chemo. It was the universe way of telling me, suck it up buttercup, its not time to stop chemo yet.

It was also a surprise to me, when I went back thru my notes – the place from the previous session was the same. The details – the sights, sounds, temperature, smells, all of the sensory things I recalled from the first session — they were the same in this session This is a place of healing for me, and one I’ve visited often. While the guide this time was very different, the questions I asked very different, and the answers, and gift very different – that makes complete sense to me.

It was just a great session. I’ve always used my intuition heavily, and this was just further confirmation – it also helped settle my mind on this chemo. While there is still a part of me with the “I don’t wannas” – the bulk of me was more resolved to the fact that its good for me right now.

So many of the small things about this intuition session were little aha moments. I love intuition, it is a guiding force in nearly everything I do – the biggest struggle for me is – I love thinking, and turning problems over in my head like a puzzle – and remembering to release these back to intuition.

There is thinking, and then there is feeling. The two are not the same, and while each has a time and place — Intuition is where radical remission comes from, and that is what I’m focusing on right now.

The PA asked me today, “how are you feeling?” – and I just laughed. I suppose that is one way to answer, because she didn’t dig any deeper to find the answer, so either the laugh told her what she needed to know, or she was asking as a social politeness, not as a medical professional. — She did ask more specific questions after this, so I’m guessing she just figured that it wasn’t a question I was particularly prepared to answer …. and that means she wins a prize bob!

I’m tired of having a staph infection. Its been like a disco ball flashing symptoms on and off for months now – and I’ve been on and off antibiotics just as frequently – and I’m tired of this…. Unfortunately, the “symptoms” of the infection are the same as the “symptoms” from chemo – so I can’t really tell which is making me feel…. without complaining “less than ideal?” — Mostly overly abundantly unavoidable tired….. Like sleep twelve hours and still feel like I need more rest, tired.

I recognize that sometimes my body just needs rest.

I recognize that sometimes rest helps with healing.

But geez, can’t we take a break from days that include more sleep than wake? I suppose I should be careful asking for this – because there are WORSE things that being able to rest in my own bed comfortable for as long as my body needs. So I guess, I’ll just be thankful for the opportunity to be able to sleep for twelve hours. To be fortunate to have supportive family and friends that understand this time is hard right now. Thank you universe, for providing me with support to endure.

Struggling with myself over wanting to balance multiple things when I am clearly unable to balance multiple things is still causing me some difficulties. I’m not certain which part of me this is – but it feels like probably the rebellious teenager fighting against curfew that is trying to ensure we are in angst by inadvertently attempting to “do things” outside of our capacity at present. —- Its like, no no, we can NOT have two conversations while holding on the line for another doctor reply to that question we forgot to ask in the office….. that Will, fact send us over the edge.

P made a really good analogy for me today — something he doesn’t normally do well, I should say, he does analogies, I just usually can’t follow the ones he does, which makes sense, because he typically can’t follow mine either – so its one of those areas of opposite sides of the mountain — usually.

Today was an exception – the analogy he used today was equating my brain function currently to crossing a catwalk that has fallen to disrepair — it has a hand rail – which if I hold and pay attention is no issue at all…. but there are huge gaps in the path and if I try and “cross without holding the rail” or try and cross while “Squirrel!” — I will often fall. Its a particularly relevant analogy for me, because I often “squirrel” — and I am struggling with the teenager saying “well, I know I’ve crossed so many times without holding the handrails – those are for “disabled” people….” (also an interesting observation, because P later pointed out “Well atleast your disability isn’t in question” and while very relevant, doesn’t make it an any easier pill to swallow for me from an ego perspective. )

There was a song many years ago — which my good friend “google” is failing me on identifying today… lyrics I remember below, with possible/likely “Alethia” transliteration:

"Everyone has a dream for the future. Each of us has a special goal. Why sit back?  Pave the way, to the future, all of the strength you need lies deep in your soul. With courage and faith as constant companion, you never face trials alone. With faith that is strong you will never abandon believe in yourself and success is your own. Oh I can do it, there's nothing to it, I've got the courage I need. I've gotten this far, I'll board the next star to follow my dreams, wherever it may lead. " 

Its been one of those things, its either from chorus – religious or secular “somewhere vocal training” — Its a song, that has resonated heavily with me … and been a “go to” source of reassurance for times of struggle.

Because I learned this song as a teenager, anytime I need to point the finger at the teenager in my head — this song helps lift her up after the adjustment in thought has been achieved.

So I gotta work on being a little less hard on myself for not being able to hold more than one focus or thought at a time right now. I just — well that part of me doesn’t want to be less hard on myself – it seems to like to find reasons to “you can do more” me all the time. — On the plus side, it is a happy reminder, that probably sometime in the future, I’ll be able to do more again. But for today, I’ll try and be happier with the “what I CAN” do vs being frustrated at the “what I am NOT able” to do.

We are winning. It takes practice, and lots of struggle to win. Learning takes time, and the aha’s will keep coming until I’ve mastered them all – so hopefully another 40+ years 🙂

My little barkerke has decided to inform me he is in need of more attention today — he has taken to telling us/reminding us when its “wet food day”… which is every other, but I find it wildly amusing that he “knows” when its every other — P has tried to “skip” it – and Starbuck is quite verbal about these attempts – its also amusing that he gets particularly “cute” with his reminders. Either way, off to go play some with the pupper.

Its funny to me, how my mind works – how the spiderwebs connect from thought to thought.

P watches alot of youtube videos – or rather, he has a plethora of subscriptions to alot of tubers that are varied. One of the ones he has subjected me to – mostly because I’m kinda ambivalent about these things….. is called “Goonzsquad” – its a couple of brothers that do a variety of things – most recently alot of “land” things… At first, watching these boys it made my eyes roll – “oh another redneck channel? Really bah” – but after 4 or 5 of their videos I found a creeping sense of them growing on me like a fungus… and I started to evaluate what I didn’t like about them…. Only to realize that its their perpetual optimism that was annoying to me. They are always happy. Always finding positive things, and praising each other. Both brothers take time in front and behind the camera – and in the scenes both bust their arses doing insane things, and learning insane things with relation to alot of varied activities – if they don’t know how to do it, they learn. As a viewer, you get to be in the backseat with their learning.

It was very telling and interesting to me that it was their hopeful optimism I found grating, which of course immediately changed my course and I’ve now learned to find them endearing. Its also one of the videos that I look forward to….

Most recently they were building a “wellhouse” – Now I did not know what a wellhouse is… so my good friend google, was quick to educate me (https://acornabbey.com/blog/?p=316#:~:text=The%20pumphouse%20is%20a%20small,in%20the%20days%20before%20electricity.) …. its basically a building to keep the “things needed when you have a well” from freezing when you live somewhere where it gets below freezing for a good bit of the year.

So I got to watch these young men, who had no knowledge of what this was… but had the internet, and resourcefulness, and able hands and bodies — build this thing, after researching, and finding out what was required. They poured the concrete – as the person they had originally hired to do this, suddenly became unavailable, and they had a deadline – they learned how to do this, what they needed, they went and picked it up, and did the job.

Something about this is just well damn inspiring.

There are many tubers P watches, many of them I enjoy for similiar reasons. They are normal humans – not famous or wealthy – doing normal human things – in a way that I get to lean over their shoulder and watch and be there with them. Something about this brings me hope – particularly when things don’t always go exactly as they had originally hoped or planned – and I get to see them react, and move thru the obsticle.

There is some sort of connection to humanity in this….. Something that lets me feel like I’m not alone – that others are having these types of struggles, and we can all get thru — its like the Andy Griffin of this generation. Lessons being taught and received.

Not all tubers are this way – there are … well much like not all TV was that way either. P has a knack for finding the good ones.

In the course of him enjoying his new toy – he was showing me the “many” — lets just call them “recipes” for stuff that you can make – where someone has already done the “requires alot of knowledge and time to do the like-an-architect on a computer software things” — they call these a “mesh” thats a jargon term to describe the “downloaded item” that tells the printer where and how to print. So P showed me a website with a ton of mesh – most available for free.

There were so many things – I started searching for “practical” things – like soap dispensers, or hooks, or laundry clothes hanger clips – all of these and more available here…… And then I started thinking about the upcoming holiday….

We started searching for “christmas villages” — and we found a ton of things — but basically it led us to Railroad/train buildings – where its sort of a “these are all in this scale” type of thing … but a “design and build your own” — a DIY christmas village – I think we might endeavor to try this — depending on how long the models take to print.

D came over yesterday, and we got a chance – after much running around – to sit and chat for a bit. Something about having her here was incredible activation energy for me. I managed to get so many of my “I wanna” list done. Felt good. Plus I now have tasty soup and fresh chai to enjoy.

Its always enjoyable to me to sit with my sister, because we are able to verbally spar, without it becoming emotional confrontational. She is one of the few people in my sphere I’m able to do this with — where its not taxing for either of us, and we can just banter and pro/con both sides of issues. Its very liberating, because while we don’t always agree – or even eventually come to consensus — its always always learning. Its my version of being in the goon squad 🙂 — Plus I got to see kitties.

I don’t know what the rest of the year will hold, or how 2021 will start out, but I do feel tremendous hope and promise. I feel there is a world of positive possibilities just bubbling up to overwhelm us with happiness. I’m very grateful and feel blessed to be here to share that world with rest of humanity; the people I love.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg passed away at the start of Rosh Hashanah – the start of the new year for the Jewish. This makes her, according to Jewish tradition a Tzaddik – which is a person of great righteousness — as she was given the full measure of a year.

While I recognize, the cancer she had is one of the most painful, and the most all encompassing. It is still quite sad for me when cancer takes another soul. She had literally a month of remission, before it came out and reared its ugly head again.

She was a good egg. Wiki does a pretty good job overviewing her life, and her progression onto Supreme court justice. (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ruth_Bader_Ginsburg)

She was a powerful female role model. We all have our heroes, and while she was not one of mine, she was a powerful advocate for many of the things I feel passionately about. She will be missed her in corporal form.

Some days are hard. There are so many things in the news, so many struggles. Sometimes it feels like being one of the animals in a rodeo – no clear direction, and so much chaos all around.

Had some strange strange dreams last night – most of them just chalked up to Alethia Insanity.

Sometimes its hard to get into the space in other people’s heads, to try and see the world from their position …. to understand why or what would drive them to specific courses of thought, action or belief.

While its not really vital all the time, for the people that I love, it does help defuse, or explain why they react a specific way to something I have done – often with a very different intention than they understand.

I explained to a friend recently – when I had a realization and epiphany about the fact that “exercise nuts” – those people that exercise more than I can possible imagine – and enjoy it…. its just another form of “emotional eating” – instead of food, they are working out to release/free/comfort those emotions – I digress.

Explained to this friend, that we are crossing the same mountain, we are just on opposite ends of it – so when we try and describe the struggles, the landscape is just very different. The mountain is the same, the mountain requires the same tools – just the path way is different.

Its challenging to realize that in the course of everyone’s own personal struggle – to understand and help them without minimizing my helping myself. I’d imagine its much like when a flight attended tells a parent “remember to put on your own mask before you help your child” — I can’t really imagine being a parent – but I can see where for a parent, this just seems so wrong. While I can understand, the logic, the value and the truth the statement from a flight attended, its rationally and emotionally hard to stay on that course, and not just reach out and help.

My challenge right now, is being selfish. This isn’t something I’ve ever been particularly good at, I seek to balance things, and to have the people around me be happy – to sacrifice myself, or fall on my sword to ensure that the outcome is pleasant. Right now, my job is to hold the line, even when its uncomfortable and just stay on the course to get what I need.

This should be easy for me, but it’s very not. I desire to acquiesce is a perpetual struggle. I am learning. Hopefully, it will get easier soon.

This is always one of those things that has been on the back of my mind as “I wonder what the difference is…” … Never really having a keen appreciation for this, they were both pretty much the same to me with subtle differences – today I educated myself on the difference here: https://badmintonbites.com/badminton-vs-tennis-whats-the-difference/ – basically seems to boil down to Indoor vs Outdoor, Bounce, and scoring…. Seems strikingly similar to RL atm…. we are stuck as badminton when we would rather be tennis. — not to say there is anything at all wrong with badminton – except when you want to be able to tennis.

Probably have mentioned this many times as is the way of things now, but I feel its an enlightening time …. mostly because alot of folks are experiencing what those serious ill, and those retired experience significantly more….. isolation, and the challenge of “how do I find fun, physical comfort, and activity” while staying inside. Its like 2020 has turned everyone into a “life” gamer — solve the puzzle to get your pez dispenser of happiness. … yes you too can be a gamer! Solve the crisis of today…. keep up your sanity….. find your resources – food, house things, money…. Keep up your health….

Its an odd realization that everyone is now stuck in the Alethia way of life – life is a game… we are winning if we are still alive. The goal is to find enough “wins” within the game to keep yourself “winning” — in an ideal world to keep yourself winning Stellar.

I feel like the fact that everyone else is being … forced? That seems like to harsh a word, but strongly encouraged doesn’t quite seem right either…. Its not exactly coerced …. its “something” — everyone else is “something else” into living life the way I have for my life… is somehow oddly comforting. Its like I suddenly have a stadium worth of other gamers, where there were but a handful before.

This stadium somewhat creates new aspirations/objectives for me within the game — of trying to help ensure my “team” — friends and family – are strong, and doing okay, and winning. I’ve always had this objective, but now it seems to be significantly more satisfying than ever before…. maybe I leveled up? Maybe Pandemic times offered me some sort of weird life power up? Seems Legit.

Overall, life is pretty good right now. Went to acupuncturist today – and like usual I have to be careful what I wish for, because I am manifesting like a fiend these days…. I told her “I’ve been experiencing really cold lately – is there anything you can do about this with this treatment?” …. about an hour after the visit, I”M NOT COLD ANYMORE!! =— its kind of a great feeling to go from being “freezing” to “not cold” but well, its also a warmer–>hot feeling that I wasn’t actually expecting to hit me like a brick wall. Thank you universe for immediately answering my concern…. After so long just being cold, its kinda nice to be not cold for a change.

Got to spend time with my siblings today for the appt run… There is something deeply comforting about time with them… it feels a bit like the cheers feeling of “NORM!” — except I don’t have to buy beer, or sit on an uncomfortable barstool.

R came in and re-arranged things in my meditation/guest room – something I’ve been needing help with for a while – his activation energy was good today, so we got a ton of shifting things done…. I am hopeful that this new arrangement will “keep” a little better – he made some fix suggestions that I’ll need to work on but all in all it looks pretty darn great.

This weekend marks the half century birthday of one of my favorite nurses, she is my adopted sister, and I am so so glad that a little bird told me so I could pop over and sing to her. It was an incredible thing – this is a hard year for celebration moments…. they won’t come again, but they are still important even with mindfulness and safety. I’m so glad she is in my life; and I’m glad I got to celebrate this even if in a small way with her.

Next week is chemo, and I’m dreading it already, trying to not think about it – I wish I could actually go thru some cycles without infection so I would “know” which things are from which thing…. but probably not going to be this next cycle …. so the ten million bandaids of “this and this and this and this” will still be my backpack full of goals for the next month. I am blessed and grateful for this new drug – and for the researchers, that were able to think outside of the box in a way to create something that is magical, healing, and helpful. They pulled a rabbit out of their hat, and that rabbit turns into a bird that allows cancer to fly away.

Here is hoping for more magic and blessings.

This is one of those quick sung expressions I learned many years ago when learning guitar, and also a voice warm up exercise. Itunes you thru various notes, so you can match up and warm up in tune. Its kinda stuck with me in my mind… like all those other things I do by rote.

Another one from voice training is “Many mumbling mice, are making merry music in the moonlight, mighty nice” — silly the things we remember. After repetition, repetition, repeticion…. Like those Spanish phrases I learned in class – or in life…. When I was dating the monorail guy at Disney — “Por favor mantente alejado de las puertas” (please stand clear of the doors) —

These things just stick in your head…. things like “preheat the oven” — common knowledge things, or personal knowledge that acts like common knowledge for the individual…

These things, are struggles for me. I have muscle memory, and I have all these random numanics for so many many varied things in my head… but in the past they had a rhyme and rhythm now they are like a soup that just periodically spells out “Glee”

Today we had a challenge- P is encountering learning hurdles with his new toy, and he typically would bounce these things off me…. doing a quickly explanation which I’d pick up and then be able to be a sounding board for his challenge…. but not so much anymore. The “fast assimilation of knowledge” just isn’t so much in my wheelhouse right now…. learning new things, while still incredible satisfying – well it goes at the antithesis of light speed, requiring significant repetitions, and a lot of time for me to assimilate. This is really frustrating to me, only because of the perspective that I know it used to go faster…. and because its very easy to see how it would be frustrating to others.

Its a bit of a frustrating thing that I’m in a position where I have to implement the “smile and nod” tactic much of the time. Especially don’t enjoy when I have to do that with P. We talked about it, and I broke down some of the challenges.

Jargon being a huge challenge. Word soup doesn’t do very well when the terminology has so many other references in my head. Like “Slice” for example…. is one of the things that he kept using…. and in my head I kept seeing pie, and pizza… and I was wondering why they were giving him so much trouble. …. and after a few moments, I realized I had completely missed his explanation having gone off in my own head into with the pie and the pizza — it was pumpkin pie incase anyone was curious…. and I’m certain it would have been delicious if it hadn’t been pissing P off!

Damn pumpkin pie causing all sorts of issues with his model printing.

Pretty excited to get my wolf painting back from R tomorrow – he finished up the frame on it, and I can’t wait to hang it. We are going to rearrange my meditation room furniture to make it a little more accomodating for hosting guests – right now I have to climb into the closet everytime I want to open up the bed — this wouldn’t be so horrible if I hadn’t filled up the closet…. presently, I have to sort of “pan handle” to the vacuum for a little bit of space while I balance the side of the bed and get it opened …. then I have to climb over the bed to get out of the closet….. calling it precarious is sort of the understatement of the decade.

Rearranging will help improve the room overall. I’m hoping maybe it will make me feel more comfortable utilizing it more frequently – right now it only gets visited once a week or so — it feels somewhat like a sanctuary – and I’d like to be able to harness the energy in it more for my healing.

Going to be repeating the radical remission workshop again – got mom interested, and we are going to be doing this session together. I am hopeful she will find some valuable tools in it, I’m looking for some of the uplifting inspiration from this second session. While the content will be much of the same, the teachers and personal stories as well as delivery will be different enough that it should be interesting.

Overall, I’m very grateful for the people in my life being healthy, safe, and above all happy.

Had a realization today, of something that well it seems logically to be incredible wrong…

As I was waiting in the line at Walgreens to pick up my RX… the elderly gentleman in front of me was trying to also pick up his RX. The girl at the counter was “new” – and his medicare card on file was apparently not working. She asked him for his card. The gentleman pulled out six or seven cards from his old leather wallet.

She asked him if he had his Medicare card. He tried going thru, couldn’t tell if any where the medicare card, and tried one card, which she said no that isn’t it. He tried another, and it was apparently his card. He was also getting a flu shot – a smart thing for someone in his age — did I mention that the girl cleric asked him for his birthdate, and his social within ear shot of me while he was in line, both of which he spouted off – as its a “requirement” to give them what they want, if you want service. — Slight segway of spiderweb….

It has annoyed me recently for so so many people to ask for the social security number, when the card clearly states on the back that you don’t have to provide it. Like doctors offices, or the surgeon asking — I’m sorry why do you need this? Are you assuming I’m, not going to pay you and you will need to file a claim against my credit? Do I seem like a credit risk? Or is the day and age such that you just have to “file” it all and let the gods of credit sort it out. I digress.

Finally this man, this elderly gentleman, finally about 25 minutes later, they were able to help him, and give him a stack of paperwork to manually fill out for his “flu shot”

The thought occurred to me, having to recently jump thru my own Medicaid hoops, that we require so much more paperwork, detailed information and generally “extra” things out of the older citizens than we require of the youth. You know, the people that are already experiencing brain fog, from age, or from other health battles they have faced, or just are “generally” less mentally able than the younger counterparts – who we often don’t require these things of because we know they wouldn’t fill them out. …. So the people with the most hardship or difficulty providing details are the most required to provide them? This seems backwards.

I’ve no idea how this would be resolved, and I’m certain while someone else probably will come up with a resolution its probably not going to be an ideal one – because the younger folks that would NEED to come up with the solution just don’t have an interest in it.

In simpler times, so I’ve been led to believe, eldars were respected and treated like royalty. They were held up and allowed dispensations from doing these sort of hoops – hoops were made for the young folks. Age was a right of passage of wisdom, knowledge and experience…. Now it seems like in our “modern” day and age we treat age as a “opportunity” to test the system. We have created “systems” that are designed to be excessively complicated and difficult to navigate, almost as a test to validate the elderly.

Backwards. Take two steps forward one step back. I’ve been noticing alot of life is becoming more and more like this….

I went to the doctor on Monday, because the staph infection which I’ve had three rounds of antibiotics for – now on fourth round which I started on Saturday when I noticed that my body was saying “surprise I’ve come to visit you again” …. so we went to the doctor – the surgeon who my other doctor referred me to, that I had previously said “why do I need to go see her again? This surgery was years ago … she gave me a rx for stuff to “pack” into this wound, to try and “heal” it from the outside. This seemed great, except Walgreens – my holy mecca of stores for many years, has failed me <again> by their automated system calling to tell me the rx was done, when in fact, they didn’t even have the item.

Now, I’m pretty okay once I’ve decided to “follow” a doctors instructions, at Following a Doctors Instructions. She had said “pack this wound twice a day” — It was too late on Monday to get the RX. On Tuesday, the auto system called me…. We went to the store, they didn’t have the RX ready. They said “tomorrow” …. this is the third time of late, that Walgreens – you know the Pharmacy – doesn’t have the drugs/RX in the store…. Its like a grocery store not having groceries… “Yeah come get the flowers, and firewood – we are out of food right now” …. Okay I understand, not all RX are created equal…. fine. They didn’t have the RX.

I left, not getting the RX on Tuesday. It was just odd that their system told me they had it. I called the Doctor, the PA offered to call it into CVS – apparently CVS didn’t have it either. I figured okay, well maybe its just some “rare” medicine….. Fine.

Today, Walgreens auto system calls me AGAIN to tell me that the RX is ready. We drive over, and I go in…. after waiting for the gentleman above to get taken care of, I get to my turn…. They don’t have the RX again, she tells me its an Over the Counter item, and they don’t have it in stock.

I blink alot. I explain that their auto system called me just two hours before and left a detailed message explaining they had it ready to go. She looks at me and apologizes. I get the bandaids and other supplies I will need, and leave rather frustrated.

Because P is alot better able to think and process when he is angry/frustrated, he decides we will check CVS and see if they have it available. One thing I have noticed, as I work to stay in “lights off” position, I’m very very ill equipped to deal with my own emotions.

Also worth mentioning, that its Austin in the Fall…. My favorite time of the year, the time of the year where my sinus’s cry and lament. Everything is high today – tree pollen, Grass pollen, Ragweed pollen. I don’t have allergies, I just have the family (Atwood) schnoz which is apparently sensitive to all things landscape related…. this typically manifests as a headache….. I’ve had a doozy of one since I awoke, and all these unexpected “surprises” have done nothing to satiate my swollen sinus’s. There are limits to coffee, it solves most issues, but apparently it takes more than I’ve had at this point.

CVS came thru like a champ, they had the RX, and after a safe drive home. Thank you P for being my epic driver. Its like driving Ms Daisy – except its driving Alethia, and I ride in the front – oh and P is a crotchety white guy not Morgan Freeman.

So I was thinking, this morning, before these caucus race of things occurred — geez I don’t know what to blog today… I said “universe, show me what to talk about” …. Gentle reminder to myself to be careful what you wish for…

The thing I like most about being human, is the ability to ponder. Its a fact, that has recently been brought forth in my mind that everyone has an artist inside of them. The medium or direction that we use, is really the only difference – or whether we are embracing or shunning that artist.

The thing I like about the older masters, is that classical “art” for which they are known very heavily is typically NOT their only artform. They were seekers of art in everything.

It never ceases to amazing me to watch someone thriving in their art, to feel the energy and to embrace and soar with them – regardless of the medium. For example, this young girl – Nandi Brushell challenging one of her heroes in a drum off…. Watching her play the drums, watching the excitement in her eyes when he performs just for her…. watching her dance around the room in such glee and excitement….. Well it makes me understand how Da Vinci could have conceived of the Vitruvian Man – It’s humbling to me, how much in our “modern” “so advanced society” that we have rather dumbed ourselves down. … Not a judgement but an observation.

When things are a requirement for children, they learn the value in them, and embrace the dynamic to them, and the balance. They grow into adults with more rounded education, and knowledge seekers – as well as artists that have learned to balance climbing the mountain, pondering the universe, going inside to empathize from the heart, and always seeking the truth. This doesn’t seem to be the case in our “so advanced, modern society” — instead we complain about spending time with our children – at all – and how we feel underpaid to educate them. (a little bitter about a comment heard/read/referenced from P about a parent so happy about public schools opening, because they didn’t get paid enough to teach their child….. my comment to this is “Its called birth control – or better, go get one of those illegal seemingly unwilling hysterectomy that the ICE detentions are allegedly doing. perhaps you should have used it.)

Children are a gift, but what type of artistic things are they being taught? Its okay to risk life and health to go sit in a overcrowded classroom with an underpaid individual responsible for half babysitting and half education….. where the education is focused on “passing the test” not really on learning….. this is evident with a ten minute conversation with pretty much most folks, myself included under 50 in our country.

Perhaps if we focused on “where the childs expertise lives” to help get them excited and self motivated to learn — education would just be following along and helping guide to safer places – not a cesspool of germs likely to make the majority of the high risk folks – the ones that had “an education” have “knowledge” and generally, “have art” — but then they are the ones that will in the end suffer most, because not only are the high risk of “catching” but also of “dying” — almost seems like some sort of an organized plan to turn Americans into drones. I digress – and sorta into hot points of agitation. While its as much your “american right” to not wear a mask — its also your “american right” to not wash your hands after the bathroom. …. both of which are “gross” and not helpful in protecting some of our national treasures – the people over 50 that have knowledge we lack – and yeah I know the internet is full of knowledge — but its also full of money pandering idiots that are filling it up with nonsense making the knowledge harder and harder to reach. === Rant done.

Reaching to that inner artist seems to be an incredible way to draw out the innate curiosity in everyone. If its something you enjoy, and can be passionate about – whether its painting, cooking, or butterfly watching — you will be inspired to study/learn more about it. Humans have an incredible spirit of resilience, endurance, hope and curiosity. We also are very different beings one to another, so what lights my fire, is probably not all the same as my neighbor, and I know for a fact not the same as P. Its rather unrealistic to expect the same stuff to interest the same people. There is however, something for everyone.

I’ve been watching many of these nightly meditations from a friend in Houston – he hosts them nearly every night in Houston, virtually thru facebook. Last nights I caught a little late – and to be honest, many I watch the next day or so…. They never cease to heighten my healing, and to generally better connect me with the universe spiritually. There is also something about watching him in his element – his art, its just inspiring, it makes me more motivated to seek and to learn about mine.

Watching P when he struggles on coding or fixing something on the computer, another person in their artistic element. He just loves doing this, it brings him great joy and satisfaction – when we first got together, this was something he was interested in – but now he is truly an artist with a myriad of expertise, as well as the ability to understand and learn his limits and when he needs to go seek help.

Art isn’t about the work – its about the journey, and finding something you love and are passionate about that makes you want to come back to it again and again. You don’t start out “a great artist” – well most humans don’t…… it comes thru practice, learning, practice, development of skills, practice…. did I say practice? — Know thyself, its one of those quotes always applicable…. the biggest thing with Art is “knowing” what is your art – what makes your heart light, what is the thing you can do that makes all time become the true imaginary thing it is, and disappear as you are in your element….. in our “modern society” there are the most unusual art forms…. we have more avenues and venues and areas to explore and thrive — but this isn’t something we are focused on, so it falls by the wayside of “too busy to do this” …. when its kinda the most vital thing of all….

Someone recently reminded me that “bodies gotta move” – and this is true, for physical health – our bodies are not at all designed for the sedentary life many of us lead. They are designed to move – for hours, and hours a day. This helps with the physical health, and also clears out the emotional and mental filters — a little less helpful for them, but still.

Art – this is for our spiritual health, it works to help us direct and process our emotional and mental – it allows us to have a constructive, creative place to put those things. Sometimes art is destructive, clearing out old things, cleaning out old areas, while we want it to be a “produce things” – the universe is about balance, and it makes sense to me that for every “producer” there would be an equal number of “destructors” or people that find art in take things apart and reforming them – or just making the components available for the next artist.

How to help inspire more artists, how to help more people find their passion, their art. This is something I’ve felt for many years was a task of mine this lifetime. I have always thrived, and most enjoyed myself when I can see or spend time with someone in their art, some doing the things that make them passionate. Observing, thanking, and lifting up the spirit of people that are doing these things is sort of my artform. Making connections for them from artist to artist – sort of the artist that produces to the source that has a need of their production. This is what I find satisfying, and uplifting. This is where my art lives. Just gotta practice it more.